Original subtitles

Previously onTwo and a Half Men...

There is something I...

probably should've told you before we slept together.

Oh, God. Husband or herpes?

For the first 40 years of my life,

I was a man named Paul.

Wow. [chuckles]

Um... You don't look...

40. Oh...

I love Christmas in Malibu.

I just saw Santa Claus smoking a joint on the beach.

No, that's just Crazy Don.

He's a homeless guy with a beard who asks girls

to sit on his lap and try to find the North Pole.

BERTA: This came for you.

I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.

He spelled "Malibu" M-A-L-I-B-O-O.

Oh. No,

actually, it's "Maliboobs."

He put little nipples on the O's.[laughs]

I just can't get used to Christmas without him.

It's just not the same.

Remember how he used to screw up Christmas carols?

♪ Shark named Harold ♪

ALL: ♪ Could not sing ♪

♪ Let's all go to Burger King ♪

Oh, look. He sent a note.

Oh. Here we go. Uh...Oh...

"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry I can't be there.

"I am having a lot of fun in Japan."In Japan."

"Uh, Christmas is very commercial here.

"Sometimes I think they don't even remember

"it's Santa's birthday.

I hope you enjoy this little homemade holiday treat." Oh.

Aw, maybe he baked us cookies.

Mmm.

Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.Oh!

Oh, man.

Well, at least he tried.

He packed 'em in ice.[coughs]

Well, it's better than the time he sent us those Easter eggs.

ALAN: Mmm.And that poor, poor bunny.

Looks like, uh, Jenny's Christmas present

got here early.Mm-hmm.

And from the sounds of it last night,

it's a Scream My Name Elmo.JENNY: Hey,

guys, this is Brooke.

Um, Brooke, this is my uncle Alan,

and this is Walden.

Walden runs the Alan sanctuary.

Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Where did, uh, you two meet?

At my work.

Oh, and, uh, what do you do?

I'm an esthetician.

Ooh, an esthetician.Very impressive.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

No. Zero.

How do I put this?

Do you guys like hairless vaginas?

Aw, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, there you go. That's what I do.

You know, waxing, tweezing, threading and plucking.

She plucked the hell out of me last night.

Ooh, and brought a whole new meaning to "ho, ho, ho."

Listen, you want to go get some breakfast?

Nah, I got to bounce. Thanks again.

See you.

[door shuts]Did I just get blown off?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Big-time.

Well, no biggie.

I'll just go back to plucking myself.

I feel bad for her.

Do you remember the first time you were rejected by a woman?

Yeah. When the maternity nurse handed me to my mom.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪

[commentator speaking over TV]

Care for some mulled cider, mull-lady?

Oh... thanks,

but I can't. I take hormones,

and the acid in the cider makes my beard grow.

[groans]

God, you are so lucky.

I wish I could grow a beard.

Oh. Look what else I have,Hmm?

a, uh, sprig of mistletoe.

Okay, great. Game's in overtime.

Mwah. Come on!

[groans] I had the craziest day at the mall today.

You heard me about the overtime, right?

You heard me about the mall, right?

Darn it. [groans]

Is everything okay down there?

Oh. [chuckles] My bad.

I got phantom nuts.

Hmm...

You can scratch mine if you want.

WOMAN: Hey, Paula,

I'm just... Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize you had company.

No, no. Come on in. Uh...

Rachel, this is Alan.

Alan, this is my ex-wife.

Oh. I, uh... I didn't know you were married.

Uh, then again, I didn't know you had a penis, so...

She lost them both at about the same time.

Nice to meet you, Alan.

Oh. You, too. It's really great that you guys are still friends.

Yeah. And thankfully the same shoe size.Oh.

By the way, those silver platforms that you lent me

really did a number on my back.

Oh, I'm sorry. But you're in luck.

Alan here is one of the top chiropractors

in Los Angeles.Well, I was named, uh,

one of the "Top Chiropractors to Watch"

by the Personal Injury Lawyer Trade Association.

PAULA: Yeah, he's just

being modest. Last night,

he threw my back out. This morning, fixed it.

Oh... [chuckles]

Well, maybe I can come by your office.

Oh, well, uh, I-I closed my office.

Uh, I'm actually semi-retired.

Uh, I-I do philanthropic work

out in Malibu with a billionaire.

We, uh... we run a sanctuary.

What kind?

Uh, you know, the homeless,

unemployed middle-aged men, lesbian alcoholics, the usual.

That's nice.Mm-hmm.

Well, um, maybe you'd make a house call

if that's not too weird?

No weirder than me dating a dude. [chuckles]

Oh. Somebody's been sneaking the cider. What?

What? Really? Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hey.

Looks like someone's celebrating the 12 steps of Christmas.

Yeah, well, I've had a tough morning.

You want to talk about it?

Let's rap.

"Rap"?

You're like the creepy guidance counselor I had in high school.

"Tell me all about your lesbian experiences.

I can't help you unless I know every detail."

God, I hated her.

She was good in bed, though.

Really? Tell me about it.

I can't help you unless I know every detail.

Oh, come on. You're a relationship guy, right?

I don't know. I mean, I-I do believe

there is someone out there for everyone.

I'm just terrified that my someone is Alan.

So... [clears throat] how do you know

when you want to be in a relationship?

The first sign is that you start asking people,

"How do you know when you want to be in a relationship?"

Oh, God.

Sick of plucking yourself already?

Is it the, uh, girl from yesterday?

Yeah.

Brooke.

Why don't you just call her?

No. No. I'm the girl that gets called.

I don't do the calling.

Oh, my God, she gave you a fake number.

It's possible she lives in the back of a Mexican restaurant.

Hey, look, if you really like this girl,

look her up on Facebook and send her a message.

Oh, or... send her a picture of your boobs.

That's desperate.

Besides, she already has a picture of my boobs.

Or the busboy in the back of the Mexican restaurant has it.

All right, look.

Sometimes in life

you have to take a risk

and put yourself out there.

Sometimes it doesn't work.

But sometimes it does.

And sometimes

it works so well that you end up proposing to them

and they say no

and all you're left with is a custom designed ring

that you can't return whose very existence mocks you.

[exhales]

You want to rap about it?

Shut up!

I will have this set up in a sec.

[loud cracking]Oh! My back.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

[cracking][chuckles]

Little chiropractor humor.

I call it "cracking you up."

Hop on up.

How long have you and Paula been dating?

Oh, just a-a couple of weeks.

You know, still holding hands, running the water while I pee.

How long were you and Paul together?

20 years.

Wow. That's pooping while the other one showers.

Uh, so, uh, Paul's change

must have been a big adjustment for you.

Oh, I was pretty angry at first.

When he said he wanted to become a woman, I grabbed a knife

from the kitchen and offered to do the surgery myself.

Woop! [chuckles]

Baggage just stowed for takeoff.

Um, at least the two of you are in a healthy place now.

Oh, it's not easy.

Can you imagine how annoying it is

that she's a better-looking woman than I am?

And the boobs, by the way,

exact copies of mine.

Well, I think you're both very beautiful,

and, uh... and kudos on the boobs.

Would you mind working a little lower?

Oh, sure. Let's, uh...

let's narrow it down to the lumbar region.

Uh, where does it hurt? Uh, L5? L4?

Lower.

Okay, we're into the-the sacral region.

Uh, that's S2. S3?

A-A little lower.

Okay.

Uh, I believe we are out of the S's

and into the asses.

How does that feel?

Uh, like the tension has moved out of your back

and into my pants.

I'm sure this is wildly inappropriate,

but I'm very attracted to you.

Well, I'm-I'm flattered. Uh-uh, it's just that...

I'm dating your ex-husband.

Boy, that was a weird thing to hear yourself say.

I understand.

Let me know if you change your mind.

You do realize your hand is still on my ass.

I do.

Still there.

I'm just glad you don't know where my other hand is.

Hi. So, I have you down for

the total bro-zilian wax.

Yeah, I wasn't really sure which one to choose.

It was either that or the Butt Reynolds.

Wait, don't I know you?

Yeah, I'm Walden.

Hang on. Did you chase me out of your house the other day

for banging your wife? 'Cause she came on to me.

No, uh, you hooked up with my friend Jenny.

Uh, we live in Malibu.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Jenny. Yeah, she was a lot of fun.

Oh-oh, God, does she have herpes?

Is that why you're here?

[chuckles] No, that is not why I'm here.

Actually, I wanted to see if you...

Ow!

Oh!

[panting]

Okay. Oh, my God.

How 'bout a little heads-up next time?

Okay, heads-up.

Hey! [panting]

So, why are you here?

Uh, well... [laughs]

Well, um, my-my friend Jenny--

she thinks that you're really cool.

And this is kind of awkward.

I don't really know how to say this.

Take her out again!

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I like to keep it casual.

Lesbians get too attached,

and then somebody always ends up screaming or crying.

[screams, crying]

I get that.

Um, uh, but here's the thing.

Like,

Jenny's really awesome,

and I think if you took a chance

to get to know her that you would really like her.

Yeah? I don't know. Turn over.

What?

All fours, butt up.

Oh. This...

This reminds me of a horrible prison nightmare I once had.

You know, I got to say, if you're willing

to go through all of this for your friend,

she must be all right, huh?

Yeah. I'll give her a call.

[sighs] Okay.

This one's gonna hurt.

This one?

[shouting]: Mommy!

[sighs]

Whoa.

Some might say that a guy who does this

out in the open wants his housekeeper to catch him.

No, I-I... [sighs]

Oh, hey, Johnson and Johnson.

And Johnson.

[laughs]

Oh.

[laughs]

Hold on.

Weren't you the one that called the house meeting

about no more masturbating in the kitchen?

No, I... I, uh...

I got groomed.

Actually,

I went down to Brooke's salon...

and asked her if she would go out with you again.

Are you insane?!

What, you think I can't get my own dates?

Do I look like a child?

No, but thanks to Brooke, I do.

And thanks to me,

she wants to go out with you again.

She wants to go out with me again?

What did she say?

You want to rap about it?

She said that she would call you in a few days,

and that my balls would stop burning by tomorrow.

Or wait.

Was it that she would call you tomorrow,

and my balls would stop burning in a few days?

Let me know when she calls.

Okay?

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You are welcome from the bottom of my scrotum.

[panting]

Wow. That was amazing.

[both laugh]

I got to tell you.

The guy who built your hoo-hah is an artist.

Aw.

He's like van Gogh, but instead of cutting off ears,

he's cutting off... well, you know.

[sighing]

Hey. What?

Can we talk about us?

Oh, God, can't I... can't I just buy you something?

Well, gifts are always welcome,

but, uh, I was just wondering if we were exclusive.

Okay, look, Alan...

[panting]

...I like you, but I always... I always promised myself

that if I had the courage to become a real woman,

that that woman...

would be a total slut.

Okay, so-so... so, just to clarify...

Mm-hmm.

...you... or me are free

to date anybody else, anybody in the world?

Yes.

Okay, if that's what you want.

[laughs]

Oh, hey, you look great.

No, I don't.

I've tried on, like, a hundred outfits.

Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie.

There was even a dark moment

where I was wearing one of Alan's polos.

Oh, actually, they're called "polas."

He buys them at a gas station.

If you look close, the guy's not playing polo.

It's a gardener riding a donkey.

I'm a nervous wreck.

Oh, come on. You're going to be fine.

Just be yourself. Right.

Right. Right, just be myself.

W.W.J.D.?

What would Jenny drink?

I don't think that alcohol is the answer.

Well, clearly, you don't know the question.

On vodka, on soda,

on blender, on mixer!

Okay, I'm just gonna go back to blowing myself.

So, uh, did you ask Santa for anything special this year?

Oh, just someone to stuff my stocking.

Oh. Someone's on the naughty list.

Well, I hope that won't keep me from getting a nice big package.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm sure Santa's got something in his sack for you.

Ooh, look who's on the naughty list now.

[laughs]

But you have to be careful

about shipping rates around the holidays.

You could pay extra for a package that's oversized

or an irregular shape.

Rachel?

Paula?

Alan? What's going on here?

Uh, well, this is a... an awkward coincidence.

It's not a coincidence. I come here every Friday night,

and she knows it.Oh, this is completely innocent.

Oh, please. You're wearing my screw-me pumps!

That's funny. Uh, I have a screw-me pump, too.

I only need it when I'm drinking too much.

All the women in the world, and you have to pick my ex-wife?

Uh, first of all, I don't actually get to pick.

I'm more of a take-what-comes kind of guy.

Besides, you said we weren't exclusive.

Oh. Yeah, he can date whoever he wants.

Okay, you only brought him here to make me jealous.

Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself.

Okay, let's all... let's just calm down here.

Hey, I see it now.

You guys do have the same boobs.

Jenny?

Are you okay?

I'll be right there.

Can you knock again so I can find the door?

Okay, I'm coming in.

Hey.

Hey, Walden!

Are you drunk?

No, I only had one drink.

Okay, I went to a lot of trouble for you,

and you are going on this date.

Why do you care so much?

Well, I can give you a bro-zilian reasons why.

Now, come on.

Let's get you sobered up.Okay, let me just use

the bathroom real quick.

Jenny?

That's not the bathroom.

Too late.

How could you do this to me?

It hurts losing the man of your dreams, doesn't it?

Please. Alan is not the man of my dreams.

He's just the only guy who didn't think

an inside-out wiener was a deal breaker.

I've also been told I have nice eyes, but okay.

Well, you werethe man of my dreams.

Don't you see what's going on here?

You still care for her,

and you're just trying to make her jealous

by dating a sexy, handsome, well-endowed man.

I do still have feelings for you.

And you still have feelings for her,

despite taking a lover whose charm and wit is only matched

by his unbridled passion in the boudoir.

I do miss you.

I miss you, too.

Oh, how nice is this?

You two should kiss.

Come here.

You two are probably gonna want a picture of this.

Let's get some coffee in you.

Okay, I'll have a half-caff Zach Braff.

[snoring] Oh.

Perfect.

[doorbell rings, Walden scoffs]

It's a tale as old as time.

Don't wax your ass to help your roommate's lesbian niece.

Hey, Waldo!

Hi, Baldo.

Brooke, are you drunk?

No, I'm merloaded.

You drank that whole bottle yourself?

It's okay. I'm gonna eat later. Shh.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I never do second dates,

and I was nervous 'cause I really like Jenny.

Hello. Hey, there's Jenny!

Okay, nap date.

Uh, good idea. Mm.

How cute.

It's like two drunk, gay puppies.

Ah. They're gonna want a picture of this later.

♪ Men. ♪

WALDEN: 'Twas the night before Christmas

when all down the beach not a creature was stirring,

not even a leech.

Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed,

while visions of lesbians danced in his head.

Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap,

surrounded by bottles with nary a cap.

Jenny was nervous and frightened,

but took a big chance.

She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants.

While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie

had just baked our brains out

with a big Christmas fatty.

We started to doze, we hadn't a care.

Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org