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1
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,049
I don't usually meet women
as beautiful as you
2
00:00:06,136 --> 00:00:07,833
at a tech convention.
3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,531
Aw, that's very sweet.
4
00:00:09,618 --> 00:00:12,316
And you were definitely
the hottest guy there.
5
00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:14,362
[chuckles] Thank you.
Although, to be fair,
6
00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,929
being the hottest guy at a tech
convention is kind of like...
7
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,019
well, being the hottest guy
at a tech convention.
8
00:00:19,106 --> 00:00:22,935
Although, once, I saw
Justin Timberlake
9
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:23,849
at a Microsoft party.
10
00:00:23,936 --> 00:00:27,244
Lady boner! [laughs]
11
00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:31,205
Yes, he did bring sexy back
to Windows 8.
12
00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:33,076
So, you said
you work for Google?
13
00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:35,252
That's right, in the
modeling department.
14
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:36,079
Oh, that's awesome.
Like graphic rendering
15
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:37,863
and 3-D imaging?
16
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:38,995
More like pointing.
17
00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:41,824
"New from Google,
18
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:44,914
confusing tech crap."
19
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,482
Oh, so you're, like,
a model-model?
20
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:50,963
Yep. You can't spell
Google without "ogle."
21
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,965
Can you?
22
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,446
No, you can't.
23
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:58,145
But being a model at tech shows
isn't what I really want to do.
24
00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,842
I just do it to
pay the bills.
25
00:00:59,929 --> 00:01:01,278
Oh, I get it.
What's your ultimate goal?
26
00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:02,932
I want to help
teach people to read.
27
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:06,936
Oh, that's noble.
So, you want to be a teacher.
28
00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:09,547
No, I want to be
the next Vanna White.
29
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,810
[giggles]
30
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:14,726
Oh, you're serious.
31
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:17,599
Yeah. I mean, she
has an amazing job,
32
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:20,558
she wears amazing outfits
and she has amazing hair.
33
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,344
Somebody needs to buy
a new, amazing adjective.
34
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:26,347
You can't buy adjectives.
35
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,653
You can only buy vowels.
36
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:30,786
Right.
37
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:32,309
Only vowels.
38
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,050
Well, I owe you
another drink.
39
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:36,096
"O." "K."
40
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:43,364
[under breath]: Certainly won't
be any "I" in "U" tonight.
41
00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:46,845
Wow, that girl is gorgeous.
42
00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:48,282
Yeah, she's a model.
43
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:49,370
We don't really
have a connection.
44
00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:51,067
She's not very bright.
45
00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:52,764
I think she thinks
Silicon Valley is the place
46
00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:54,810
where women go
to get a boob job.
47
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,204
Oh, you want
intellectual stimulation.
48
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,336
Uh, why don't you
watch an episode of Nova
49
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:01,773
while you're
banging her brains out?
50
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,427
No, I'm gonna go tell her
it's not gonna work out.
51
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,734
Well, if you don't want her,
can I have her?
52
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:09,564
Oh, sure, let's change shirts.
Maybe she won't notice.
53
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:10,652
Oh, she's thatdumb?
54
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:11,740
Great.
55
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:13,524
WOMAN:
Walden!
56
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,178
Look, a seagu...
[screams]
57
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,224
Oh, my God.
58
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:18,790
Wait.
59
00:02:18,877 --> 00:02:20,966
We didn't switch shirts yet.
60
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,797
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
61
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,365
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
62
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,198
Hey, what's going on?
63
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:36,634
I was cleaning out my closet
64
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,375
and I found a box
of Jake's old stuff.
65
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,682
Aw, that's sweet.
66
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:41,987
Who's Jake?
67
00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:44,076
My son. Y-Your cousin.
68
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:47,123
Oh, right.
69
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:49,386
Oh, and how did he die?
70
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:53,303
Oh, no, h-he's not dead.
He's in the Army.
71
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:54,739
Huh.
72
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,654
Ah. Nice bong.
73
00:02:56,741 --> 00:03:00,615
Guess he's not
fighting the war on drugs.
74
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:02,530
No, that-that is
a hummingbird feeder.
75
00:03:02,617 --> 00:03:04,140
He made it in art class.
76
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,490
And in shop class,
I made a train whistle.
77
00:03:06,577 --> 00:03:08,710
[imitates whistle]:
Weed, weed!
78
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,190
No, no, seriously.
79
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,756
Uh, one summer,
back in high school,
80
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,019
he and his friends
got into bird watching.
81
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:17,284
They'd spend all day
out in the woods, and they'd...
82
00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:20,156
they'd come back laughing and...
83
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:24,421
Oh, God, I'm an idiot.
84
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:27,207
Don't worry.
All parents are idiots.
85
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:30,079
My mom used to think I was
locked in the bathroom all day
86
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:31,776
with an electric toothbrush.
87
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,952
[buzzes]
88
00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:36,607
My first wife was always
using her electric tooth...
89
00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:39,523
God, I aman idiot.
90
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:42,222
Oh, look at this.
One of his old report cards.
91
00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:46,051
Oh, you can still see where
he tried to change his grades.
92
00:03:46,138 --> 00:03:47,966
Yeah, he changed the C's.
93
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,273
To D's.
94
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,102
Yeah. That was the year
his bus got a little shorter.
95
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,757
But, you know,
in his defense,
96
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,411
his teacher changed
that year, too.
97
00:03:57,498 --> 00:04:00,109
She went from C's to D's.
98
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:01,763
Is this how you're
spending your night?
99
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:03,808
Oh, no, no. Later,
I'm going to shave my back.
100
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:04,809
Oh, actually,
if you're not busy...
101
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:06,246
I am. And so are you.
102
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,596
I'm gonna get a drink.
Where's Walden?
103
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:10,859
Oh, he had to take his date
to the hospital.
104
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:13,862
Ooh, what are they pulling out,
and from where?
105
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,777
No, it-it's nothing like that.
106
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:18,127
She was looking up at the sky
and she fell off the deck.
107
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:19,476
High?No.
108
00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:20,738
Drunk?No.
109
00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:21,957
Model?Yeah.
110
00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:25,874
♪ Men.♪
111
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:26,744
How you feeling?
112
00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,268
I'm all right.
113
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,095
Uh, well, we need
to fill out this paperwork.
114
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:32,446
So, uh, first name, Nadine.
115
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:37,451
This is awkward.
I don't know your last name.
116
00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:41,455
It's H-O-R-E.
117
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:44,936
H-O-R-E.
118
00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:47,678
Like "hooray"?
119
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:50,159
No, like "whore."
120
00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:53,075
You think I
should change it?
121
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,598
No, be proud.
122
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:59,211
I'm sure you come from
a long line of... Hores.
123
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,040
Uh, any relatives
I can call?
124
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:03,564
No, they're
all back east.
125
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:06,218
I'm the only Hore
in Los Angeles.
126
00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:08,133
Agree to disagree.
127
00:05:10,266 --> 00:05:12,268
Emergency contacts.
Okay, so no family.
128
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:15,402
Uh, friends? Roommates?
129
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,969
Anyone you've gone on
more than one date with?
130
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:18,840
Not really.
131
00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:20,320
I live alone.
132
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,452
I've only been in L.A.
a couple weeks.
133
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,889
The only men in my
life are you and Frank.
134
00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:26,195
Oh, all right.
How do I get a hold of Frank?
135
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,110
He's a pig.
136
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:29,285
[chuckles] He's a pig,
you're a Hore.
137
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:31,679
No one's judging.
138
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,463
No, he's my pet pig.
139
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,857
My little frankfurter.
140
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:37,467
A pig.
141
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,121
Does he sleep
in a blanket?
142
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:42,254
Yeah, he totally
hogs the covers.
143
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,823
[laughs] Hogs. Good one.
144
00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:48,696
Never mind.
145
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:51,089
Uh, what about medications?
146
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,700
Love 'em.
147
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:55,659
No, I-I think they mean
"are you taking any now?"
148
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:59,315
Oh, let's see, there's
plaxitril for my depression,
149
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,186
zaxaprin for my anxiety,
150
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:04,059
dilapamin for my
insomnia, and clodex
151
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:06,540
for my occasional
bouts of rage.
152
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,368
No one likes
an angry Hore.
153
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,332
[indistinct conversations]
154
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,726
[sighs] Why didn't you tell me
we were going to a gay bar?
155
00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:20,597
'Cause if I told you,
you wouldn't have come.
156
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:23,818
Yes, I would. I just
would've dressed better.
157
00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:25,036
And just to be clear,
158
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:26,647
you do know I'm
not gay, right?
159
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,083
I don't think you're gay.
160
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:30,346
I-I mean, do I know guys
that act less gay
161
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:33,393
that have sex
with other guys? Sure.
162
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,047
But I know
you're straight.
163
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,049
So, why bring me here?
164
00:06:38,136 --> 00:06:39,616
Look around this room.
165
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,575
See all
the women here?Yeah.
166
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,881
Well, some of them
are gay. Those are mine.
167
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,362
The rest are straight.
168
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:47,798
Some of those
are mine, too.
169
00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:49,757
And everyone who's left
170
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,541
is gonna be drunk and horny
by the end of the night
171
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:56,024
and looking for someone who
doesn't think vaginas are yucky.
172
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,245
Oh, oh, you mean me.
173
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:02,465
[high-pitched]:
Yay.
174
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,292
[deeper voice]:
I mean, yay.
175
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,254
Okay, be careful.
176
00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:11,213
Mm.Watch your leg.
177
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,563
You smell so good.
178
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,260
Thank you.
179
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:18,220
Let's see how you taste.
180
00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:21,353
Okay. All right.
181
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,224
I see the painkillers
have kicked in.
182
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,531
Oh, they sure did.
183
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:27,621
Right now, you could
do anything to me
184
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,666
and I wouldn't remember.
185
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,672
Did I wink?
'Cause I was trying to wink.
186
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:38,719
Okay, let's-let's get
you on the couch, huh?
187
00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:41,504
Hey, let's get you
on Nadine.Oh, okay.
188
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:45,290
All right, fine.
Let's... just rest.
189
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:50,078
Thank you so much
for taking care of me.
190
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,558
Well, you have a broken leg.
191
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:54,299
You don't have
any family or friends
192
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:57,694
and you live on the fourth floor
of a building with no elevator.
193
00:07:57,781 --> 00:08:00,480
So, I couldn't just
leave you on the street.
194
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:03,657
Could I?
195
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:06,137
You're handsome.
196
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:07,138
[grunts]Yeah.
197
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:08,444
You're... drooling.
198
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:11,491
I'm gonna get
you some food.
199
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:15,103
All right, but I have
certain dietary constrictions.
200
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:18,454
I don't eat wheat, dairy,
or anything with a face.
201
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:19,890
Although...
202
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:22,850
I would make
an exception for you.
203
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,203
So, you're here
with your niece?
204
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,553
Uh, yeah, she just recently
came out of the closet
205
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,295
and she's painfully shy.Oh. Mm-hmm.
206
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:39,562
Now, that's what I
call breast-feeding.
207
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,740
She's, uh, still trying
to find her gay legs.
208
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:47,396
Ah. Well, she's lucky she has
an uncle who's found his.
209
00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:49,703
[sighs] No, I'm straight.
210
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:51,705
Why does everybody
think I'm gay?
211
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:53,794
Oh, that is way too tart.
212
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:56,231
Um, so, Paula,
213
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,885
what do you do?
214
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,495
I'm an investment banker.
215
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,715
Oh, wow. Oh, okay,
maybe you can answer a question
216
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,107
I've always had.Mm-hmm?
217
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:05,240
What's the penalty
for early withdrawal?
218
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,416
Well, uh, that depends.
219
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,418
How big is your deposit?
220
00:09:11,333 --> 00:09:14,075
Oh, interest is rising.
221
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:16,556
You know, the longer
you keep it in,
222
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,645
the bigger your reward.
223
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,517
Sometimes,
the market collapses
224
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:24,476
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
225
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,870
Uh, wait. Are-are we
doing sexual innuendo
226
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:29,220
or are you asking for
free financial advice?
227
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:32,006
Why can't it be both?
228
00:09:32,093 --> 00:09:33,573
You know,
if you're interested,
229
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,357
I've got a Malibu
beach house.
230
00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:38,882
Oh. Well, if you're interested,
I've got very loose morals.
231
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:40,275
[high-pitched]:
Yay.
232
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,279
[deeper]:
I mean, yay.
233
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:53,027
[chuckling]:
Wow.
234
00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:55,029
That was amazing.
[laughs]
235
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,205
Uh-huh.
236
00:09:57,292 --> 00:09:59,076
Wait, it wasn't?
'Cause I can do better.
237
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,861
No, you were great.
238
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:02,427
Oh, thank God,
'cause I can't do better.
239
00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:04,168
Oh.
240
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:07,302
But there is something I
probably should've told you
241
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:08,695
before we slept together.
242
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,827
Oh, God,
husband or herpes?Uh...
243
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:14,265
Well, there was
another guy. Paul.
244
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:17,007
Paul. Paula.
That must have been confusing.
245
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,619
Very, yeah. Um...
246
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,665
You see, for the first
40 years of my life,
247
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,494
I was a man named Paul.
248
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,937
Wow.
249
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,593
You don't look... 40.
250
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,900
♪ Men.♪
251
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:48,386
So, so, you were a guy?
With, you know,
252
00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:49,736
an Adam's apple
and facial hair,
253
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,826
and the whole kit
and kaboodle?
254
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:56,264
Yep, I had a kit
and two kaboodles.
255
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:57,961
So, so, how did
you get that?
256
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:00,007
I mean, did you
have to get a donor?
257
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:02,574
'Cause I've never
seen that box
258
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,446
to check on
a driver's license.
259
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:09,538
Actually, uh, I-I... I
donated my own organ.
260
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:12,280
You see, what they do, they
take your penis, all right?
261
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:15,675
They slice it right
down the middle...Oh! La la la la la la la la la.
262
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,547
Okay, I'll-I'll
spare you the details
263
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,462
on what happened
to my balls.
264
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:24,422
Well, I know
what just happened to mine.
265
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,250
Look, I-I know I should
have told you earlier.
266
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,600
I just didn't want to scare
you away. I really like you.
267
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,516
Oh, and I like you. I mean,
we have a lot in common.
268
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,605
Clearly more than I realized.
269
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,217
Maybe it's best if I go.
270
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:36,957
Oh, no, no, d-don't go.
271
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,001
You sure?
272
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,611
Yeah, yeah, no, I like you.
273
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,439
I'm just, I'm trying
to process this whole thing.
274
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:43,964
I mean, for instance,
275
00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:47,271
there's no chance
it'll grow back, right?
276
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:48,882
What, like-like a
salamander's tail?
277
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,579
No. Uh-uh.
278
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,494
So one day you're not gonna,
you know, sneeze real hard
279
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:55,584
and suddenly
I'm dating a dude?
280
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:59,196
Alan, I am as much a woman
as you've ever dated.
281
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:02,243
But if you're not
okay with this, it's...No, no, no, you know what?
282
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:05,289
I am not going to let one
little thing come between us.
283
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:07,814
Oh, it wasn't little.
284
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:10,817
Okay, uh, Paula, bit of,
uh, relationship advice?
285
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:12,470
Uh, no guy likes to hear
286
00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:15,169
that his girlfriend
had a bigger penis than he does.
287
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,953
You're right.[chuckles]
288
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,433
I'm sorry.
289
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,174
[sneezes]
290
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:22,263
Sorry.
291
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:26,920
Gesundheit.
292
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,316
Morning.Morning.
293
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,884
Oh great, we're
out of bacon.
294
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,190
Whoa.
295
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:41,543
We're out of naked
Heidi Klum.
296
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,155
Damn.
297
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:47,636
That's Frank. He belongs
to my date Nadine.
298
00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,943
Alan told me about her.
299
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,119
That's the model
you took to the emergency room.
300
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:55,905
Twice. She calls it our
"special place."
301
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:56,863
It's the worst date of my life.
302
00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:58,516
Is her mouth broken?
303
00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:00,910
No.
304
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:02,433
So what's the problem?
305
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,044
The problem is,
we have no connection.
306
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:06,089
How can I be attracted
to a woman's body
307
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:07,874
if I'm not attracted
to her mind?
308
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:09,527
Sounds kind of gay,
but all right.
309
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,747
Hey, Walden.
310
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,793
Jenny.
311
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:17,753
Zippy.
312
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,496
Just a heads-up, there's a girl
asleep on the couch.
313
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:24,281
Don't worry,
I know the drill, boss.
314
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:27,328
Give her 500 bucks,
pat her down for silverware
315
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:29,417
and throw her in a taxi.
316
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:30,592
What?
317
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,943
Sorry. Charlie flashback.
318
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:37,425
Morning.
319
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:38,643
[snorts]Whoa!
320
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:41,124
That's a pig.
321
00:13:41,211 --> 00:13:43,257
Whoa! That's a leech.
322
00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:46,913
Long story, crazy night.
323
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,524
[scoffs] Pig or no pig,
not as crazy as mine.
324
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,743
100 bucks says mine beats yours.
325
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,311
I had sex with a woman
who used to be a man.
326
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:56,836
And we have a winner.
327
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,620
What, really?
328
00:13:58,707 --> 00:13:59,795
I can't believe
that you would...
329
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:02,711
Well, ah, then again, it's you.
330
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,713
Hey, hey, say what you want,
331
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,541
but she really
knows her way around a man.
332
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,673
It's like climbing Mount Everest
with a really good Sherpa.
333
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,547
Yeah, but you don't
shtupthe Sherpa.
334
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:16,333
How did it work?
Like, where did it... go?
335
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:17,857
Oh, that's easy.
See, what they do is,
336
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,162
they slice the penis
down the middle...
337
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:21,599
Oh. La la la la la.La la la la la.
338
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:23,688
NADINE:
Walden?
339
00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:27,257
Is there somewhere
I can take a bath?
340
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,216
Oh, yeah, upstairs.
Here, I'll help you.
341
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:30,652
No.
342
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,349
I will never get out of here
343
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:34,656
if I don't start
to do things on my own.
344
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:38,181
Unless you don't
want me to leave.
345
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:39,791
Top of the stairs, on the left.
346
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:44,100
That girl is really messed up.
347
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:45,536
The only thing wrong with mine
348
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:47,669
is the occasional
five o'clock shadow.
349
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:50,324
You know, I've got to say,
Alan, you going out
350
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,674
with a post-op transgendered
person without any judgment--
351
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:53,762
very enlightened.
352
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:54,937
Oh, thank you.
353
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:57,592
And you should see her boobs.
354
00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:02,249
[cell phone chiming]
355
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,947
You're getting a call
from a "Hore?"
356
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,691
Hi, Nadine.
357
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:12,085
You got... you got it
stuck where?
358
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:15,740
Don't move, I'll
be right there.
359
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:20,441
Nadine got her boot
caught in the banister.
360
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,356
Excuse me.
361
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:25,533
NADINE:
Never mind, I got it.
362
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:29,754
[loud thud]Oh no.
363
00:15:29,841 --> 00:15:33,019
500 bucks in cab fare,
and he'd be out of this.
364
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:36,500
I can't believe how easily
we agreed on a movie.
365
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,938
I know, men and women aren't
usually on the same page.
366
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,722
Oh, oh, here it is.
367
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:44,030
Uh, theater three, Julia Roberts
in Hashtag: I Love You.
368
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,119
Listen, I'm gonna get a soda.
Do you want something?
369
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,947
Oh, sure. Uh, oh, let me see
what I'm in the mood for.
370
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,732
Oh, uh, want to split
a hot dog?Mmm.
371
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:51,733
Oh, I am so sorry.
372
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,169
It's fine.
373
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:54,692
Hi. Uh, can we have
two Diet Cokes
374
00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,303
and a hot dog, please?
375
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,869
Oh, uh...Don't worry, I got it.
376
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:01,264
Okay, but
I'm used to paying.
377
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:07,270
This is...
this is so weird.
378
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,924
Sorry, just, you know, old
habits from when I was Paul.
379
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,882
I-I hope you're
okay with that.
380
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,450
I think it's pretty clear
that I'm willing
381
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:15,017
to work around things
in this relationship.
382
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,584
Well, I appreciate it,
383
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:17,846
because I'm having a
great time with you.
384
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,543
Oh, well, so am I.Mm-hmm?
385
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,458
Uh, but going forward,
you're gonna have to learn
386
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,721
to embrace my masculinity
and, you know, accept the fact
387
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:26,855
that I'm the-- thank you--
man in this relationship.
388
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:29,205
Oh, it's chilly in here.
389
00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:31,729
Oh, here. Take my jacket.
390
00:16:31,816 --> 00:16:34,167
Oh. Cozy.
391
00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:41,174
[slap, thud, knock]
392
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:44,264
[slap, thud, knock]
393
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:47,919
[slap, thud,
knock]
394
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,747
Who's there?
395
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:56,798
It's just me, silly.
396
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,974
Is everything all right?
397
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:02,934
You've taken
such good care of me,
398
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,373
I thought it was time for me
399
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,679
to take good care of you.
400
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:11,943
Oh, that's not necessary.
401
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,380
Why not?
402
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,598
We could play doctor.
403
00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:16,905
Haven't you
seen enough doctors?
404
00:17:16,992 --> 00:17:20,169
Okay, we could play
Pat and Vanna.
405
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:25,479
The clue is "things
people do naked."
406
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,785
Okay, Nadine, just stop.
407
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,049
What's wrong?
408
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,051
[sighs] We're not
gonna sleep together.
409
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:35,967
Are you saying
410
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:40,450
that you don't
want any of this?
411
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:48,676
"N," and I'd like
to buy five O's.
412
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:52,332
Look, we-we just don't click.
413
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:55,291
I can't believe
you led me on. Ooh.
414
00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:58,512
Led you on? I let you in.
I was trying to help you.
415
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:01,428
Do I look like I need your help?
416
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,912
♪ Men.♪
417
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:19,837
[phone rings]
418
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:22,405
Yeah? No, I'm not
doing anything.
419
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:25,234
Seriously?I know, I know.
I should say something.
420
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:26,757
No, no, it's fine.
421
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,672
I'll come over
after the movie.[scoffs]
422
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:29,847
He should go now.
423
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:30,848
What's that?
424
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:33,199
Shh!Shh!
425
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:34,983
Just ignore him. People
can only make you angry
426
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,811
with your permission.
427
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:39,030
Right. But if he opens his mouth
again, I will get the usher.
428
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,208
[chuckles]
I got my review.
429
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,035
Hashtag piece of crap.
430
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,385
Shh!Shh!
431
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:46,821
All right, you know
what? That's it.
432
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:48,823
Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no,
Let me do this.
433
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:50,694
Alan, Alan, you don't
have to do this.Yes, I do. I'm the man
434
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:52,087
and this is what a man does.
Now, hold my Jujubes.
435
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,613
Uh, excuse me, sir?
436
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:59,007
What?Um, uh, we're all
trying to watch the movie
437
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,314
and I don't know if you
remember what the, uh,
438
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:02,315
the little cartoon
popcorn bucket said,
439
00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:04,534
but "silence is golden."
440
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:08,103
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it?
441
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:09,844
Uh, well, I
just did it
442
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:12,020
and it didn't seem
very effective, so...
443
00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:15,545
Go sit down.
444
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:17,417
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you sit down?
445
00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:19,593
Ow.What the... What...
446
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:20,811
I'm sorry.
447
00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:22,335
Don't apologize.
448
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:25,947
Paula? Hashtag
I love you.
449
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:30,212
♪ Men.♪
450
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:33,041
I thought this relationship
was going somewhere.
451
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,783
Okay, seriously? The only place
this relationship is going
452
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,393
is the emergency room.
453
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,395
I thought this was
something special.
454
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:42,877
I thought I was going to be
Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt.
455
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,401
Okay, this is crazy.
456
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:47,621
I mean, we wouldn't have
gotten past the first date
457
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:50,667
if you hadn't
fallen off my deck.
458
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:51,668
That's right.
459
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:53,714
I did fall off your deck.
460
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:56,195
I'll be sure to mention that
to my lawyer.
461
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:57,196
Your lawyer?
462
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:59,110
You heard me.
463
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,025
Perhaps you've seen his picture
on the side of the bus?
464
00:20:01,112 --> 00:20:03,071
You don't get to be
the numero uno accidentelawyer
465
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:04,812
by accident.
466
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:06,335
Come on, Frank.
467
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,555
[Frank snorts]
468
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:11,210
Take care of yourself, Frank.
469
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,433
What's going on?
470
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:22,351
Oh, Nadine is going to sue me
because I won't sleep with her.
471
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,179
Oh, that's a thing?
472
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:25,876
Don't tell Alan.
473
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,400
[tires squealing]
474
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:28,139
[crash]
475
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:31,708
Oh, that can't be.
476
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:33,754
[cell phone chiming]
477
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:40,978
Hi, Nadine.
478
00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:43,154
I'll be right there.
479
00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:48,421
Nadine got hit by a bus.
480
00:20:48,508 --> 00:20:51,598
Back to our special place.
481
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:52,903
♪ Men.♪
482
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,346
What do you want to watch?
483
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,217
I know someone
wants to watch Babeagain.
484
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:03,174
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
485
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,742
and TOYOTA.
486
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:07,091
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
487
00:21:07,178 --> 00:21:08,919
♪ Men.♪
34283
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