Original subtitles

We are in the thick of awards season

We are in the thick of awards season

We are in the thick of awards season which means only a few more weeks of

which means only a few more weeks of

which means only a few more weeks of pretending I saw hamnet

pretending I saw hamnet

pretending I saw hamnet which I loved obviously all the ham and

which I loved obviously all the ham and

which I loved obviously all the ham and the the nets and uh when the ham went

the the nets and uh when the ham went

the the nets and uh when the ham went into the nets you know masterfully done.

into the nets you know masterfully done.

into the nets you know masterfully done. Anyway, yesterday another major award

Anyway, yesterday another major award

Anyway, yesterday another major award was presented. The Washington Coal Club

was presented. The Washington Coal Club

was presented. The Washington Coal Club presented the president with the

presented the president with the

presented the president with the inaugural undisputed champion of

inaugural undisputed champion of

inaugural undisputed champion of beautiful clean coal award. The uh Kopi

beautiful clean coal award. The uh Kopi

beautiful clean coal award. The uh Kopi says the undisputed champion of

says the undisputed champion of

says the undisputed champion of beautiful clean coat. Thank you, sir.

Oh, incredible. Bravo. Oh.

Oh, incredible. Bravo. Oh.

Oh, incredible. Bravo. Oh. Oh,

Oh,

Oh, don't don't don't

don't don't don't

don't don't don't be jeal don't dispute that. Undisputable

be jeal don't dispute that. Undisputable

be jeal don't dispute that. Undisputable you all. Oh, no. Congratulations to

you all. Oh, no. Congratulations to

you all. Oh, no. Congratulations to Donald Trump on winning the inaugural

Donald Trump on winning the inaugural

Donald Trump on winning the inaugural award for undisputed champion of

award for undisputed champion of

award for undisputed champion of beautiful clean coal. And so soon after

beautiful clean coal. And so soon after

beautiful clean coal. And so soon after winning the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize.

winning the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize.

winning the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize. And if you're thinking this guy sure

And if you're thinking this guy sure

And if you're thinking this guy sure wins a lot of awards that were created

wins a lot of awards that were created

wins a lot of awards that were created just this year for him in particular,

just this year for him in particular,

just this year for him in particular, you're right. That's why tonight we're

you're right. That's why tonight we're

you're right. That's why tonight we're proud to present President Trump with

proud to present President Trump with

proud to present President Trump with the

the

the inaugural AWARD FOR WINNING THE MOST

inaugural AWARD FOR WINNING THE MOST

inaugural AWARD FOR WINNING THE MOST INAUGURAL AWARDS.

Congratulations to our one and only

Congratulations to our one and only

Congratulations to our one and only nominee. But back to the Cole award. Mr.

nominee. But back to the Cole award. Mr.

nominee. But back to the Cole award. Mr. Trump, would you like to say a few

Trump, would you like to say a few

Trump, would you like to say a few garbled words? You've never had a better

garbled words? You've never had a better

garbled words? You've never had a better friend in the Oval Office than me. And

friend in the Oval Office than me. And

friend in the Oval Office than me. And I'm proud to officially

I'm proud to officially

I'm proud to officially name the undisputed just when did this

name the undisputed just when did this

name the undisputed just when did this come out, Mr. Speaker?

Is it really undisputed? Seems like your

Is it really undisputed? Seems like your

Is it really undisputed? Seems like your brain is disputing it as you speak. Now,

brain is disputing it as you speak. Now,

brain is disputing it as you speak. Now, now, if this was a toddler saying their

now, if this was a toddler saying their

now, if this was a toddler saying their first words, I'd be actually very

first words, I'd be actually very

first words, I'd be actually very impressed. But for a a president of the

impressed. But for a a president of the

impressed. But for a a president of the United States who's actively having an

United States who's actively having an

United States who's actively having an aneurysm,

aneurysm,

aneurysm, I'm also pretty impressed.

I'm also pretty impressed.

I'm also pretty impressed. Which is why I'm presenting you with our

Which is why I'm presenting you with our

Which is why I'm presenting you with our inaugural

inaugural

inaugural best underser

best underser

best underser award.

award.

award. Congratulations

Congratulations

Congratulations for President Trump.

Of course. Of course. Like any award

Of course. Of course. Like any award

Of course. Of course. Like any award recipient, Trump made sure to thank the

recipient, Trump made sure to thank the

recipient, Trump made sure to thank the little people who did all the actual

little people who did all the actual

little people who did all the actual work.

work.

work. >> Our amazing coal miners. Thank you very

>> Our amazing coal miners. Thank you very

>> Our amazing coal miners. Thank you very much, fellas. That's great.

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You made

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You made

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You made them keep the hard hats on in the White

them keep the hard hats on in the White

them keep the hard hats on in the White House. You don't make NFL players wear

House. You don't make NFL players wear

House. You don't make NFL players wear their helmets when they visit. I mean,

their helmets when they visit. I mean,

their helmets when they visit. I mean, why do these poor guys have to? Is this

why do these poor guys have to? Is this

why do these poor guys have to? Is this like a Disney World thing where they

like a Disney World thing where they

like a Disney World thing where they can't take off the costume in front of

can't take off the costume in front of

can't take off the costume in front of Trump because it'll ruin the magic for

Trump because it'll ruin the magic for

Trump because it'll ruin the magic for him? You know, you know, sorry, sorry I

him? You know, you know, sorry, sorry I

him? You know, you know, sorry, sorry I interrupted you, Mr. President. Go ahead

interrupted you, Mr. President. Go ahead

interrupted you, Mr. President. Go ahead and show your appreciation for those

and show your appreciation for those

and show your appreciation for those coal miners in the most condescending

coal miners in the most condescending

coal miners in the most condescending way possible.

way possible.

way possible. >> And you wouldn't want to do anything

>> And you wouldn't want to do anything

>> And you wouldn't want to do anything else. You wouldn't switch with a guy who

else. You wouldn't switch with a guy who

else. You wouldn't switch with a guy who had a beautiful penthouse apartment on

had a beautiful penthouse apartment on

had a beautiful penthouse apartment on Fifth Avenue. You wouldn't switch with

Fifth Avenue. You wouldn't switch with

Fifth Avenue. You wouldn't switch with that me.

that me.

that me. >> WHAT? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

>> WHAT? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

>> WHAT? WHAT THE HELL, MAN? COAL MINING IS THEIR JOB. They're not

COAL MINING IS THEIR JOB. They're not

COAL MINING IS THEIR JOB. They're not gophers who have to keep digging to file

gophers who have to keep digging to file

gophers who have to keep digging to file down their nails so they don't grow

down their nails so they don't grow

down their nails so they don't grow inward. It's not like some biological

inward. It's not like some biological

inward. It's not like some biological necessity here. Although that being

necessity here. Although that being

necessity here. Although that being said, a a coal miner switching with a

said, a a coal miner switching with a

said, a a coal miner switching with a New York billionaire is my favorite

New York billionaire is my favorite

New York billionaire is my favorite Olsson twins movie. So,

Olsson twins movie. So,

Olsson twins movie. So, you know what? If this were just a silly

you know what? If this were just a silly

you know what? If this were just a silly little award to make the president feel

little award to make the president feel

little award to make the president feel like a special boy, no one would give a

like a special boy, no one would give a

like a special boy, no one would give a But unfortunately, unlike the FIFA

But unfortunately, unlike the FIFA

But unfortunately, unlike the FIFA Peace Prize, the president seems intent

Peace Prize, the president seems intent

Peace Prize, the president seems intent on actually earning this award.

on actually earning this award.

on actually earning this award. >> The president just signed a new

>> The president just signed a new

>> The president just signed a new executive order for the Pentagon to buy

executive order for the Pentagon to buy

executive order for the Pentagon to buy electricity from US coal powered plants.

electricity from US coal powered plants.

electricity from US coal powered plants. >> Oh,

>> Oh,

>> Oh, okay. I You know what? I don't know

okay. I You know what? I don't know

okay. I You know what? I don't know what's worse. The fact that Trump is

what's worse. The fact that Trump is

what's worse. The fact that Trump is directing our military to prop up the

directing our military to prop up the

directing our military to prop up the dying coal industry or that Seal Team 6

dying coal industry or that Seal Team 6

dying coal industry or that Seal Team 6 will now have to travel on coal powered

will now have to travel on coal powered

will now have to travel on coal powered helicopters. You know, like

helicopters. You know, like

helicopters. You know, like Osama BIN LADEN. JUST PUT UP YOUR HEAD.

Osama BIN LADEN. JUST PUT UP YOUR HEAD.

Osama BIN LADEN. JUST PUT UP YOUR HEAD. JUST GIVE ME A MARCO POLO. MARCO,

JUST GIVE ME A MARCO POLO. MARCO,

JUST GIVE ME A MARCO POLO. MARCO, you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT, Donald

you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT, Donald

you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT, Donald Trump? You may want to promote coal, but

Trump? You may want to promote coal, but

Trump? You may want to promote coal, but don't forget this country has something

don't forget this country has something

don't forget this country has something called an Environmental Protection

called an Environmental Protection

called an Environmental Protection Agency. And I think the EPA will have

Agency. And I think the EPA will have

Agency. And I think the EPA will have something to say about that.

something to say about that.

something to say about that. >> So, the president this afternoon just

>> So, the president this afternoon just

>> So, the president this afternoon just stripped the EPA of its most powerful

stripped the EPA of its most powerful

stripped the EPA of its most powerful tool to regulate air pollution and

tool to regulate air pollution and

tool to regulate air pollution and greenhouse gases. God damn it.

greenhouse gases. God damn it.

greenhouse gases. God damn it. Where's Captain Planet when you need

Where's Captain Planet when you need

Where's Captain Planet when you need him?

him?

him? Okay. Yep. I'm being told Captain Planet

Okay. Yep. I'm being told Captain Planet

Okay. Yep. I'm being told Captain Planet was deported to South Sudan. Okay.

was deported to South Sudan. Okay.

was deported to South Sudan. Okay. Right. All right. Fine. So Trump is

Right. All right. Fine. So Trump is

Right. All right. Fine. So Trump is killing the EPA's ability to regulate

killing the EPA's ability to regulate

killing the EPA's ability to regulate all the worst sources of greenhouse gas

all the worst sources of greenhouse gas

all the worst sources of greenhouse gas emissions. Power plants, cars, and

emissions. Power plants, cars, and

emissions. Power plants, cars, and trucks, Shan Penn, all of them. It's

trucks, Shan Penn, all of them. It's

trucks, Shan Penn, all of them. It's going to have a devastating impact on

going to have a devastating impact on

going to have a devastating impact on human health and the environment.

human health and the environment.

human health and the environment. Personally, I'm concerned about this.

Personally, I'm concerned about this.

Personally, I'm concerned about this. >> What do you tell Americans who are

>> What do you tell Americans who are

>> What do you tell Americans who are concerned that the $1.3 trillion in

concerned that the $1.3 trillion in

concerned that the $1.3 trillion in savings does come at a cost to public

savings does come at a cost to public

savings does come at a cost to public health and the environment based on

health and the environment based on

health and the environment based on science?

science?

science? >> I tell them, don't worry about it.

>> I tell them, don't worry about it.

>> I tell them, don't worry about it. >> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> Oh. Oh, thank God. Cuz this seems

Oh, thank God. Cuz this seems

Oh, thank God. Cuz this seems devastating, but if you can't trust the

devastating, but if you can't trust the

devastating, but if you can't trust the undisputed champion of beautiful clean

undisputed champion of beautiful clean

undisputed champion of beautiful clean coal, who can you trust? Although, you

coal, who can you trust? Although, you

coal, who can you trust? Although, you know what? Now that I think about it,

know what? Now that I think about it,

know what? Now that I think about it, are you saying don't worry about it?

are you saying don't worry about it?

are you saying don't worry about it? like it's going to be fine or don't

like it's going to be fine or don't

like it's going to be fine or don't worry about it like what a mobster says

worry about it like what a mobster says

worry about it like what a mobster says while he drives you to an empty field. I

while he drives you to an empty field. I

while he drives you to an empty field. I mean, Trump clearly doesn't understand

mean, Trump clearly doesn't understand

mean, Trump clearly doesn't understand the science behind this. Interior

the science behind this. Interior

the science behind this. Interior Secretary Doug Bergam, can you can you

Secretary Doug Bergam, can you can you

Secretary Doug Bergam, can you can you ease my mind about all the carbon

ease my mind about all the carbon

ease my mind about all the carbon dioxide we're going to be pumping into

dioxide we're going to be pumping into

dioxide we're going to be pumping into our already overheated atmosphere?

our already overheated atmosphere?

our already overheated atmosphere? >> But CO2 was never a pollutant. Uh when

>> But CO2 was never a pollutant. Uh when

>> But CO2 was never a pollutant. Uh when we breathe, we emit CO2. Plants need CO2

we breathe, we emit CO2. Plants need CO2

we breathe, we emit CO2. Plants need CO2 to survive uh and grow. They thrive with

to survive uh and grow. They thrive with

to survive uh and grow. They thrive with with more CO2. Oh, now I understand.

with more CO2. Oh, now I understand.

with more CO2. Oh, now I understand. You're aing idiot. Okay. Okay. Look,

You're aing idiot. Okay. Okay. Look,

You're aing idiot. Okay. Okay. Look, nobody is saying CO2 shouldn't exist.

nobody is saying CO2 shouldn't exist.

nobody is saying CO2 shouldn't exist. The amount is the issue. We need water

The amount is the issue. We need water

The amount is the issue. We need water to live, too. But the crew of the Titan

to live, too. But the crew of the Titan

to live, too. But the crew of the Titan submersible is not living extra hard

submersible is not living extra hard

submersible is not living extra hard right now.

right now.

right now. So, look, look, I know facts hurt.

So, look, look, I know facts hurt.

So, look, look, I know facts hurt. Look, I feel that way, too. But when I

Look, I feel that way, too. But when I

Look, I feel that way, too. But when I take when I take a step back and I look

take when I take a step back and I look

take when I take a step back and I look at the consequences on human health and

at the consequences on human health and

at the consequences on human health and the world at large and I contemplate the

the world at large and I contemplate the

the world at large and I contemplate the ramifications of all of these actions,

ramifications of all of these actions,

ramifications of all of these actions, there can be no doubt Donald Trump truly

there can be no doubt Donald Trump truly

there can be no doubt Donald Trump truly is the undisputed champion of Cole. I

is the undisputed champion of Cole. I

is the undisputed champion of Cole. I can't think of anyone else that deserves

can't think of anyone else that deserves

can't think of anyone else that deserves that award.

that award.

that award. >> Not so fast, Jordan Quifer.

>> Not so fast, Jordan Quifer.

>> Not so fast, Jordan Quifer. Wait, who who said that? It's me, the

Wait, who who said that? It's me, the

Wait, who who said that? It's me, the Coleman Colerson. I am the real

Coleman Colerson. I am the real

Coleman Colerson. I am the real undisputed champion of coal AND I'M

undisputed champion of coal AND I'M

undisputed champion of coal AND I'M COMING FOR THAT TITLE, DONALD TRUMP.

>> I'm sorry.

>> What do you mean you're the real

>> What do you mean you're the real

>> What do you mean you're the real champion of coal?

champion of coal?

champion of coal? >> Did I stutter?

>> Did I stutter?

>> Did I stutter? >> NO ONE TOUCHES ME WHEN IT COMES TO COAL.

>> NO ONE TOUCHES ME WHEN IT COMES TO COAL.

>> NO ONE TOUCHES ME WHEN IT COMES TO COAL. I MINE COAL. I BURN COAL. I eat coal

I MINE COAL. I BURN COAL. I eat coal

I MINE COAL. I BURN COAL. I eat coal bricks. AND I PISS COAL DUST. WOW.

bricks. AND I PISS COAL DUST. WOW.

bricks. AND I PISS COAL DUST. WOW. FRANKLY, that does not sound normal.

FRANKLY, that does not sound normal.

FRANKLY, that does not sound normal. >> IT'S NOT. MY DOCTORS ARE BAFFLED.

>> IT'S NOT. MY DOCTORS ARE BAFFLED.

>> IT'S NOT. MY DOCTORS ARE BAFFLED. BUT I STILL LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL, SWEET

BUT I STILL LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL, SWEET

BUT I STILL LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL, SWEET COAL. EVERYTHING I HAVE IS COAL POWERED.

COAL. EVERYTHING I HAVE IS COAL POWERED.

COAL. EVERYTHING I HAVE IS COAL POWERED. My TV, my blender, my wife's vibrator.

My TV, my blender, my wife's vibrator.

My TV, my blender, my wife's vibrator. >> Whoa. Wait. Your wife's vibrator.

>> Whoa. Wait. Your wife's vibrator.

>> Whoa. Wait. Your wife's vibrator. >> DID I STUTTER?

>> DID I STUTTER?

>> DID I STUTTER? >> NO.

>> NO.

>> NO. >> LOOK, MR. COLER SAID,

>> LOOK, MR. COLER SAID,

>> LOOK, MR. COLER SAID, >> CALL ME THE COLEMAN. MR. COLON'S MY

>> CALL ME THE COLEMAN. MR. COLON'S MY

>> CALL ME THE COLEMAN. MR. COLON'S MY FATHER. WE'RE NOT ON GOOD TERMS.

FATHER. WE'RE NOT ON GOOD TERMS.

FATHER. WE'RE NOT ON GOOD TERMS. >> OKAY. SORRY, COLEMAN. I don't think you

>> OKAY. SORRY, COLEMAN. I don't think you

>> OKAY. SORRY, COLEMAN. I don't think you should take this personally. They just

should take this personally. They just

should take this personally. They just made this up for Trump to secure profits

made this up for Trump to secure profits

made this up for Trump to secure profits for the coal industry. It's It's a fake

for the coal industry. It's It's a fake

for the coal industry. It's It's a fake award.

award.

award. >> Jordan, EVERY AWARD IS FAKE. You think

>> Jordan, EVERY AWARD IS FAKE. You think

>> Jordan, EVERY AWARD IS FAKE. You think your EMMYS ARE SO REAL?

your EMMYS ARE SO REAL?

your EMMYS ARE SO REAL? >> HEY,

>> HEY,

>> HEY, THE EMMYS ARE REAL, YOU SON OF A

THE EMMYS ARE REAL, YOU SON OF A

THE EMMYS ARE REAL, YOU SON OF A TAKE THAT BACK.

TAKE THAT BACK.

TAKE THAT BACK. >> OKAY. OKAY. SORRY. I I I touched a

>> OKAY. OKAY. SORRY. I I I touched a

>> OKAY. OKAY. SORRY. I I I touched a nerve. I sincerely apologize.

nerve. I sincerely apologize.

nerve. I sincerely apologize. >> Okay, that's fine. Accepted. Accepted.

>> Okay, that's fine. Accepted. Accepted.

>> Okay, that's fine. Accepted. Accepted. But you you really think you deserve

But you you really think you deserve

But you you really think you deserve this Cole award more than DONALD TRUMP

this Cole award more than DONALD TRUMP

this Cole award more than DONALD TRUMP DOES?

DOES?

DOES? >> OF COURSE.

>> OF COURSE.

>> OF COURSE. >> OKAY.

TRUMP IS A COAL POSER. HE ONLY LOVES

TRUMP IS A COAL POSER. HE ONLY LOVES

TRUMP IS A COAL POSER. HE ONLY LOVES BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN COAL. I LOVE ALL COAL,

BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN COAL. I LOVE ALL COAL,

BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN COAL. I LOVE ALL COAL, DIRTY COAL, UGLY COAL, black coal, gay

DIRTY COAL, UGLY COAL, black coal, gay

DIRTY COAL, UGLY COAL, black coal, gay coal.

coal.

coal. Cole can be gay. When you're down in

Cole can be gay. When you're down in

Cole can be gay. When you're down in these mines long enough, it can.

BUT THAT'S WHERE I BELONG. I BELONG IN

BUT THAT'S WHERE I BELONG. I BELONG IN

BUT THAT'S WHERE I BELONG. I BELONG IN THE mines except Saturday nights when

THE mines except Saturday nights when

THE mines except Saturday nights when I'm at Lincoln Center watching the hit

I'm at Lincoln Center watching the hit

I'm at Lincoln Center watching the hit Broadway revival of Ragtime.

Broadway revival of Ragtime.

Broadway revival of Ragtime. >> Is that because the main character's

>> Is that because the main character's

>> Is that because the main character's name IS COLE HOUSE?

name IS COLE HOUSE?

name IS COLE HOUSE? >> OF COURSE.

>> OF COURSE.

>> OF COURSE. >> OKAY. GOTCHA. GOTCHA.

>> OKAY. GOTCHA. GOTCHA.

>> OKAY. GOTCHA. GOTCHA. >> IF TRUMP THINKS HE CAN TAKE THAT TITLE

>> IF TRUMP THINKS HE CAN TAKE THAT TITLE

>> IF TRUMP THINKS HE CAN TAKE THAT TITLE AWAY FROM ME, I WILL SHOVE COLE SO FAR

AWAY FROM ME, I WILL SHOVE COLE SO FAR

AWAY FROM ME, I WILL SHOVE COLE SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE'LL BE POOPING DIAMONDS.

UP HIS ASS HE'LL BE POOPING DIAMONDS.

UP HIS ASS HE'LL BE POOPING DIAMONDS. >> WOW. WOW. REALLY?

>> WOW. WOW. REALLY?

>> WOW. WOW. REALLY? >> DID I STUTTER?

>> DID I STUTTER?

>> DID I STUTTER? >> NO, you didn't stutter. GOOD, BECAUSE I

>> NO, you didn't stutter. GOOD, BECAUSE I

>> NO, you didn't stutter. GOOD, BECAUSE I DO HAVE A stutter

DO HAVE A stutter

DO HAVE A stutter >> and I've been working on it in speech

>> and I've been working on it in speech

>> and I've been working on it in speech therapy.

therapy.

therapy. DONALD TRUMP HAS NOTHING ON ME WHEN IT

DONALD TRUMP HAS NOTHING ON ME WHEN IT

DONALD TRUMP HAS NOTHING ON ME WHEN IT COMES TO COAL. I

COMES TO COAL. I

COMES TO COAL. I >> I don't know, man. I I know you love

>> I don't know, man. I I know you love

>> I don't know, man. I I know you love coal, but Donald Trump just repealed the

coal, but Donald Trump just repealed the

coal, but Donald Trump just repealed the entire legal foundation for regulating

entire legal foundation for regulating

entire legal foundation for regulating emissions. America's climate policy is

emissions. America's climate policy is

emissions. America's climate policy is effectively over.

effectively over.

effectively over. >> Holy brother.

>> Holy brother.

>> Holy brother. I love coal, but we do need a few common

I love coal, but we do need a few common

I love coal, but we do need a few common sense regulations. We got to be able to

sense regulations. We got to be able to

sense regulations. We got to be able to breathe, right, Quaifer?

breathe, right, Quaifer?

breathe, right, Quaifer? >> Cleer, it's it's cleer. But

>> Cleer, it's it's cleer. But

>> Cleer, it's it's cleer. But essentially, yes, that's what I'm

essentially, yes, that's what I'm

essentially, yes, that's what I'm saying.

saying.

saying. >> Well, THAT DOESN'T SCARE ME, JORDAN.

>> Well, THAT DOESN'T SCARE ME, JORDAN.

>> Well, THAT DOESN'T SCARE ME, JORDAN. BECAUSE I'M STILL COMING FOR THAT TITLE

BECAUSE I'M STILL COMING FOR THAT TITLE

BECAUSE I'M STILL COMING FOR THAT TITLE WITH THIS. OKAY. AND WITH THIS.

>> Why do you have a dead canary?

>> Why do you have a dead canary?

>> Why do you have a dead canary? >> Oh, no. MR. FEATHERS, HE'S DEAD.

>> Oh, no. MR. FEATHERS, HE'S DEAD.

>> Oh, no. MR. FEATHERS, HE'S DEAD. >> He's the only father I've ever known. We

>> He's the only father I've ever known. We

>> He's the only father I've ever known. We had tickets to rag time. Oh, I'm sorry.

had tickets to rag time. Oh, I'm sorry.

had tickets to rag time. Oh, I'm sorry. Cole the cold man Cerson everyone.