Original subtitles

I'm crazy.

You'd be a fruitcake, too, if you had someone like King

Henry for a father or a queen out, or for a mother.

Flat, light, cheap steel.

That's all they ever did.

If a third year's, when they weren't busy

trying to kill each other, there was no love.

Hello, darling.

Nick, such a man.

Never once do I remember either of those clowns ever saying, hello, darling.

Good night, sweetheart.

Or even how you're doing an algebra.

Oh, is it any wonder I have such a lousy self, image of myself?

Is it any wonder I do such cruel things to people?

I mean, how can you be loved as a prince if you've never been loved as a child?

By the way, at least I know I'm a monster.

Stop it, sir.

You mustn't say such things about yourself.

You are a prince of a prince, and for God's sake,

stop worrying about whether or not you're a monster.

Torturing people and pillaging pillages makes you feel good, then do it.

I'll buy that.

You have made me feel so much better.

What am I here for?

You are here because I have both of your parents in the dungeon of this castle,

and if you ever tell me anything I do not want to hear, I

will have them stretched until I hear their bones crack.

Do you think that'll bother me, sir?

I hate them.

You think that your parents have been rotten to you?

I mean, you think that Henry and Eleanor mean is.

Let me tell you what my dear, my dear, and daddy did to me.

Every time I was bad.

Yes, my humble apologies for interrupting your session, your highness.

What is it, boy?

The birthday party, everyone, is waiting for you at the asylum.

Robert, are you sure you don't want to come?

Wonder, I'm deaf in my left ear.

Happy birthday, sir.

All together, now.

For he's a Johnny Good fellow.

For he's a Johnny Good fellow.

For he's a Johnny Good fellow.

You're a health prince John.

Mother, Lady Marion, the guy.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

Speech, speech, speech, if you can please laugh at us.

What can I say?

I expected it.

Brother, I would like to say something.

In fact, I would like to propose a toast.

Thank you, Mother.

Not to you, you idiot.

To reach the lion heart.

I mean, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland.

All right, Mother, we all know my dead brothers' credits.

But what you don't know is that I have today

received a message from Duke Leipold of Austria.

Richard is not dead.

He is alive, but he's being held hostage for the sum of 200,000 gold marks.

To the safe return of Richard, my son, and your beloved brother,

to the throne of England, Richard the lion heart.

Richard!

Richard!

Richard!

Richard!

Richard!

In order to obtain the 200,000 gold marks, there's

necessarily to be raised taxes immediately.

Not from us, you boneheads, from the sex and sweat.

Are you crazy?

Who wants Richard back?

We keep the 200,000, sir.

The gold stays here with us, Johnny.

What about Richard?

Have you ever spent a winter in Austria and Dungeon?

Hm?

Even the rats get your money out.

Hey,

hey, hey, all the symbols!

I bring birthday greetings for Prince John, for the super admire!

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you off?

Received, madam.

Happy birthday, dear Sire, the worst to you on this terrible day.

While the church hates your guts and the peasants live in conditions most dire,

what's they like to say except for your nuts?

And the world's biggest liar, who should burn in hell and burn his own pockets?

Stop it!

Stop it!

With this more sire, this verse to you will love it.

You smell!

Let's talk about it.

Grab it!

Grab your smell!

It's in my day.

Oh, no!

Stop it, you morons!

I said grab her!

Don't grab her!

Grab her!

Now, my pretty wench...

who gave you that message to deliver?

Well, I was summoned to show it for us last night by man in Robinhood.

And he tipped me most handsomely.

Have you ever heard of a man named Robin Hood?

Yes, Sire.

We know him well.

The most dangerous man and the reason that would be easy to collect the new taxes.

He leads a band of outlaws loyal to King Richard.

They live in showered forest, stealing and robbing everything that's not nailed down.

A very anti-establishment, politically-oriented group of wild men's eye.

Real trouble makers.

Why at this very moment as we sit here talking?

They're in the forest, plotting.

A revolution?

More like a protest, Sire.

But it could grow.

I mean, if they ever get to the college kids at Oxford or Cambridge.

Would you take us to that place in showered forest where you met this Robin Hood?

No, no, no, no, Sire.

That would be against company policy, wouldn't it?

I mean, I could lose my job.

If you don't, you could lose your head.

If your permission Sire would leave a door.

It's simply not fair, Eleanor.

You majesty, every eligible young man in the

kingdom marched off three years ago to the crusades.

And here I am, stuck, having made a vow to

King Richard to remain pure until I'm married.

I hear you.

I made the same promise to my husband, King

Henry, every time he marched off to the wall.

And he trusted you?

He trusted the six-pound chastity that he don't mean to, but be a good heart.

Dear child, you may still find someone to love.

I doubt it.

But even if I did find Mr. Wright, who is there even to Marius?

Every priest in the kingdom went with them to Jerusalem.

Except for young father Luther?

Well, only because he hid in his mother's barn when they came to get him.

Yes.

Oh, my lady, I'm a normal, healthy, 24-year-old virgin with normal,

healthy, 24-year-old desires.

It's awful.

I mean, I am taking two cold dips a day in

that mouth just to keep them coming unglued.

Patience dear girl, my son and his men will be returning soon.

King Richard will never say England again, never.

Of course he will.

City girl, didn't you hear what I said at dinner?

Yes, yes, I heard you, but what you didn't hear was Prince John and Sir Guy,

Whispering.

Those 200,000 gold marks, they're raising in taxes, they're going to keep.

Biggie, biggie, biggie.

That doesn't solve your problem, doesn't matter.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my lady, do you know what the average

lifespan is for a woman in the 13th century?

27 years.

You know what they're going to call me when I die?

Old maid, Marion.

Still, there's always Suggie or Brisbane.

He's mad about you.

You would marry you tomorrow.

That old creep, I hate him.

Yes, I know.

But I have a plan.

Use him.

In courage.

Be his friend.

Get him to trust you.

We must not let John and him do this terrible thing.

We must get Richard back somehow.

For both our six.

Here, here they come.

She will.

Is it much further?

That much, Sarah.

Get ready, men.

Here they come.

It's about time.

I've got to go to the little boys' room.

And this bird wants his damn nest back.

Get ready, boy!

Where does this thing go?

It was all the same guy.

It was only following orders.

He

made him press it like a feeding Norman wretch.

Why, you weirdo.

First word to the guy.

Think of a bird.

So, close.

He has abreast the color of your chest when we get through with you.

All face and face.

Give me another clue.

He arrives every spring just as the snow melts.

Five letters.

I've got it.

A canary.

Do I look like somebody named canary?

Besides, that's six letters.

You moron.

You tell him, all right?

All right.

I've got it.

Robin Hood.

Your days as an outlaw are numbered, Mr. Robin Hood.

Season.

Look out, Robin!

Never.

But never hear the man in the stomach when he's wearing armor.

Really smart.

There is a man called Robin Hood.

So, Braden, true as he.

He met the man of Bad Prince John and stung him like a bee.

Terrible, stinks.

I hate it.

You're welcome.

You're paid for this, sir.

Oh, no, sir.

You're paid for this.

Little Johns strip them of their valuable.

Strip him?

Yes, strip him.

We'll call it help him.

Hi, Robin.

By a child, could you go back to camp and get me some ice cubes for my hands,

please?

What do I ask you?

All right.

Ice from the river.

The river isn't frozen yet, Robin.

A cold wet rag.

My god, can't any of you follow a simple order without asking dumb questions?

Robin, there's nothing on it.

There's gold credit card with his name on it.

I never leave home without you.

Let's kill him all.

Kill our fairies.

Great idea.

No bread, no head.

No, stop.

We mustn't.

We don't murder unarmed men.

Why not?

Because we're the good guys, right, Robin?

Yes, but please don't sing about it.

All right, diamonds, on your horses.

You too?

My name's Jim.

This is Fred, Bert, and Harry.

If only you got one, Norman, he's got.

Get on your horses.

This horse is not mine.

It is now.

This is your last chance, gentlemen.

All my merry men will ride you out of the end of a sword.

Mark me, Robin Hood.

You won't get away with this.

We'll meet again.

Don't know where.

I don't know when.

But we'll meet again.

Bad chance.

We'll meet.

We'll meet.

We'll meet.

We'll meet.

Someday.

We'll...

Robin?

It's true, your majesty.

It's true.

Just the two of them escaped.

Well, barely.

I went to Sir Guy's room late last night, with a bowl of hot chicken broth,

and he told me everything.

Good.

I knew the food would come fight in you.

It seems they were attacked by the spell of

Robin Hood and his army of thousands of men.

He said they barely escaped his allies.

Thousands of men.

Loyal to my reshows.

We must go in disguise to show it first tonight, and ask that gentleman for help.

But they're outlawed.

There girls can't be choosers.

But they may kill us before they even realize who we are.

On the other hand, thousands of men.

I mean, they can't all be old and ugly.

Of course, I could never fall in love with the

peasants, especially the sacks of peasants.

Even a very sexy sacks and peasants, Marion.

Yes, my lady.

I am very fond of you.

You know that.

But do me a favor, please.

Put a zipper in your mouth.

What's a zipper?

Hold another?

Yes, Mr. Carreza.

I don't think this was such a good idea.

And besides, I'm getting awfully hungry.

I hear voices.

I hear voices.

All we want is now.

Better like here on earth, that's what God intended.

For all these creatures.

Good King Arthur and his knight at the round table knew we were human beings.

Just like they were.

And when we had a complaint, they listened.

We loved him for it.

But... And things have changed, Mr. Norman took over.

So I say, to hell with the divine rights of kings.

Yeah, yeah.

To hell with the power of the man.

Let's go with them.

Let's go with them.

Let's hear a better fire.

Remember Jesus?

Our lord himself, he said, A rich man shall enter the kingdom

of heaven as often as a camel through the Iron Needle.

What we need now is an enterery pression, cruelty and high taxes.

He's always without our prisoners.

They never were, and they never shall be.

Yeah.

Are you sure they're on our side?

When men have empty bellies, strong words can sometimes fill the void.

They are all King Richard's followers, holy mother.

I mean your majesty.

It is you, isn't it?

Don't you remember?

I'm Robin, good King Richard's friend.

My 10th birthday party.

The little boy to whom you gave his first bow and arrow.

Robin.

Oh my god.

Robin of locksling.

Richard's childhood friend from Sommelcamp, the same lad who helped my son

burn down the head-counseless bunk because he made you eat your cauliflower.

Are you, are you?

Are you the Robin Hood?

I'm afraid so, your majesty.

At your service, my queen.

Um...

Is that Robin, R-O-B-I-N, or R-O-B-Y-N?

Robin, this is... Lady Marion, of course.

How... how did you know my name?

A simple deduction, my lady.

When one hears that the most beautiful woman in all of England is Lady Marion,

and then one happens upon, by chance, the most beautiful woman in all of England.

Thank you, kind sir.

Come, let us go to my camp and suck.

Dinner.

How delicious.

We are both starving, right, Marion?

Food is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

It matters not.

Whatever we have is yours to share.

Robin, I was wondering where the rest of your army was.

What army?

Come.

Mouse pie.

Mouse?

Moose.

Moose.

He doesn't have a pronounced French.

It's a moose pie, chocolate moose pie.

Oh!

What are those little tails sticking out of it?

Those are wafers.

Oh.

Fifteen men.

Against 300 knights and soldiers of arms.

I don't think I quite like the odds.

Worry not, dear Queen.

We'll get the money.

But how, Robin?

The same way Prince Jonathan tends to, we'll steal it.

The only difference being, while he robs the poor, we only take from the rich.

Excuse me, dear Queen.

Tomorrow morning, you and your friends will ride throughout the country and I...

I won't see you again until you have all the

money we need to rescue Good King Richard.

You know... I think I'll miss you.

I know it sounds silly since we've just met but... And are you?

I guess it just happens that way sometimes, doesn't it?

I mean, people bullying don't each other for a few hours.

Yes, it is strange, isn't it?

Who could explain it?

Who can tell you why?

Wolves give you reasons.

Wise men never try.

That was very beautiful, what you just said, but Wild

Scarlet may be listening and make a song out of it.

Robin, please, I don't know how to say this but... Say it.

You've... you are really getting to me.

Ah...

You're very big on hand kissing, aren't you?

I dare go no further, my lady.

After all, it is our first date.

You call this a date?

Our date is dinner in a restaurant and evening

in the theatre roses, a ride in the moonlight.

Well, time for another dip in the moat.

My name is Robin Hood.

I suppose you know what I'm here for.

Hi, Jackas.

You're going to take us to a vanna.

Where's a vanna?

What's going on up there?

You might have found me in the announcement of the passengers, so they don't panic.

Fine, sure, but make it quick.

Will you just tell them I want their money?

Money?

Well, I can't very well tell them that.

I mean, they're paid already.

Look, this is a hold-up.

Just say anything.

All right, I'll give them my old purpose, excuse.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your driver speaking.

There'll be a slight delay.

There's a bunch of lunatics sitting on horses in the middle of the road,

potlars at our heads, and threatening to rob us.

They don't seem too worried, but why should they be?

They don't have any money.

Don't have any money.

What do you think I am?

Stupid?

Only the wealthy can afford to travel by coach.

Not anymore.

This is the peasant express.

We transport standby peasants from London to Liverpool for only a shilly.

Only a shilly.

How can you afford to do that?

Well, basically, we cut out the frills.

No bathroom, no first-round tapestries, only a one-course dinner.

In fact, I think it's up a time already.

I think they're right.

I can't get the food.

There you go.

I think we ought to look for the money somewhere else.

All right, nobody moves if you're back in your lives.

Array, you've done it.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

What's going on?

Why are you the winner of our contest?

I didn't enter any contest.

That's right, but you won a prize just by coming in.

Do you realise all the first person in the bank this month?

That's very nice, but we didn't come here for any prizes.

Oh dear, that's too bad.

Could we just see a rubbish prize?

Yeah, might be nice.

All right, what the hell?

We'll take a look at it.

Good to hear you.

I'll get the prize, president.

My dear sir, many, many congratulations.

I'm Arthur J.

Huckster.

Well, I'm the vice president of this bank.

I know I'm going to regret this question, but why are you having this contest?

Yeah, well, to drum up business, of course.

It's been rather slow since the crusades began.

Could we see Robin's prize?

Yes, of course.

But first, I wonder if you would mind answering a small questionnaire.

What would you like to know?

Why did you choose this bank?

To rob it.

I said thank you very much.

It's very good.

Girls, would you get the prizes, please?

Now, you have a choice, surprise.

There's the oven toaster.

No, and we have George, a blender.

Nice to meet you.

Look, I don't want an oven toaster, and I don't want a blender.

I want all the money in this bank, and I want it now.

Who am I to argue with the man with the sword in his hand?

I mean, it's not my money, is it?

I really work here.

Miss Thomas, would you mind getting all the money from me?

Please, gentlemen.

Would you like large or small coin?

I don't care.

Just put it on a big brown bag.

I do think you'll need a bag.

My dear.

Thank you.

There we are, sir.

Three coins in a phoenix?

Yes, that's all we have in the bank.

It's still the same old story.

A fight for loving glory.

Don't you dare.

I wasn't going to know.

Just hope King Richard is getting used to prison food.

As time goes by.

So Robin Hood wrote far and near.

Just like he said he would.

To rob the rich.

For King Richard Podir.

But it really didn't do much good.

With no money on the coach.

Or even in the bank.

It was still a job to help the masses.

So Robin said to hell with the rich.

Let's try the middle classes.

We try supermarkets everywhere.

We even hit the tourists to discover a fair.

But it wasn't easy.

And it wasn't funny.

In port of England there wasn't anybody.

Up here my queen.

Are you alone?

Quite alone for the moment.

But come on down and hurry.

John has spies everywhere.

I failed you, Your Majesty.

There is no money.

I've tried.

We busted our butts looking.

England I'm afraid is broke.

So what else is new?

I am sorry.

Sorry will not bring me back my son.

Fortunately, there's still one man who can help us.

Isaac of York.

The leader of the Jews?

And the most powerful money lender in all of Europe.

But why should he lend us the golden free Richard?

We've been really rotten to his people for centuries.

Why should he help us now?

Promise him something in Richard's name when he returns.

Like what?

Anything you like dear boy.

Anything.

Anything.

So the daughter is finally getting ready.

Thank God, she's 30 years old.

It's one of them.

Excuse me, Madam.

I seek the house of Isaac of York.

Over there much you will know.

Maybe it's my Hanukkah present from Saxony to Babony.

Good evening.

I seek Isaac of York.

I am his daughter Rebecca.

And who shall I say his calling?

Robin of Loxley.

And the nature of your business, sir?

The hour is late.

I am on the king's business.

I shall inform him and return properly.

Can I help you?

My father will see you now.

This way please.

Oh, Britannia.

Britannia rules the waves.

Britons never, never shall be slaves.

Then you'll end us the 200,000 goldmarts.

It can be arranged.

Just like that?

Just like that.

And one small favor.

Name it?

Now, unfortunately, some of our people are not as traditional as I am.

In fact, to put it mildly, oh boy, some of them hated you.

Here, here in the old company.

I've heard that rumor.

So what is it that we can do to make them like it better?

Let them leave.

Leave?

Yes, you know.

Give them a place of their own.

Their own country?

Their own country?

Well, only a little one.

There's no need to overreact, Rob.

Where?

Palestine would be very pleasant.

You know, the weather's nice, the water's warm.

I would have said my army, but it is very, very muggy in the summer.

Okay, you're not it.

Will name it Isaac after you, would you like that?

Very kind, Rob.

No thank you, no.

No, I enjoy a rather low profile in the

community and I would prefer to keep it that way.

Think of another name.

Irving?

Please.

San.

Oh yeah, yeah.

I've got it.

Name it after my dear father.

Israel.

You remember Israel of York?

Israel it is then.

Dump!

Good!

Rebecca, Rebecca coming here, dear.

Now, if you're excuse me, it's been a very tiring day.

Rebecca!

Now, prepare the snack for our guest.

It's a long ride back to the forest.

We'd be in touch.

Excuse me.

And can you put the eggs on top of the toast?

Good.

Very good.

And did you salt it?

Never mind.

And don't drop the plates.

You sure you don't cook?

Of course, I can cook, but it's more fun watching you.

Here's such a cost.

I've been there here.

Don't you know how to use a knife?

No, I never carry one.

Only a bow and a sword.

I've worked for a while.

I suck with a rock in it.

You've got it all over your chin.

Out there.

Or use a napkin.

God!

If you like cleaning bills, it must be atrocious.

Not a mention.

The germs.

You put in your mouth by using the same thing as doing... Oh, hold it.

Hold it.

Is there any way to keep someone like you quiet?

Only one.

And he took the beautiful lady and put her in the hay loft.

Then throwing himself upon her.

Take this cord and pull it until you find a rope.

And then tie it to something firm.

But I got the loose.

I've done it, my lady.

Isaac of York is going to lend us the money.

It may take a few weeks, but it looks good.

Wonderful.

That will give you just enough time to do it.

An army!

In the forest.

Robin, sweet boy.

You don't think John is going to greet Richard when he comes back with open arms?

Hi there.

Glad to see you back.

Yes, your throne.

I've been keeping it warm for you, big brother.

Well, that's all well and good, my lady.

But how am I ever going to feed an army?

Feed them with ease.

Oh, they'll break their teeth on those.

Oh, you mean sell them?

Hock them.

Ah, good.

Well, that'll be okay to feed and clothe them.

But suppose we have to go into battle, which we will, how am I going to pay them?

They're not going to fight for free.

Do the same as with Isaac.

Promise them something in Richard's name.

What?

Anything you want.

Now, get out here.

Before I forget, you're the best friend of my son.

And though you are cutest hell, I am old enough to be your mother.

Good night, my lady.

Ah, come on, say, use the window.

Oh, well, I thought I would say good night to Lady Marion with your permission.

Good night, my lady.

Boy, is he wasting his time?

Then it's settled.

What, what's settled?

As soon as King Richard returns, we'll announce our engagement.

Now, let's go to bed.

Let's go to bed?

My, I'll romantically put.

Oh, Robin, don't talk to me like a peasant.

Talk to me like a knight in shining armor.

Right.

I'm sorry, what I meant to say was I think that perhaps we should consummate our

undying love for one another in an act that

will bring us both immense physical pleasure.

Come, let me unlock your most sacred treasure with a passion that I've kept

hidden within me since that glorious day we met and showed for us.

Oh, Robin, it's beautiful.

Thank you, is it working?

No.

When I look into your eyes, I see the promise of eternal happiness.

And when you're smiling, when you're smiling the whole world.

Forget it, Robin, we are not going to bed, not until we're married.

Why not?

What's the big deal about getting married?

You say you love me.

I know, and I do, but I made a vow to King Richard.

No sex until I'm married.

Is that so hard for you to understand?

I mean, is it?

Oh, Mary, I love you, and you love me, and

Richard may not be home for weeks or maybe months.

I know.

Well, I can't wait that long.

Well, find father Luther, haven't Mary us now.

Are you insane?

Get married now.

Do you have any idea what Prince John would do if he

found out that you were married to Robin the Outlaw?

You can never find out.

Oh, darling, it'll be our little secret.

It's too dangerous.

Come here.

No, I made a vow.

I really did to King Richard.

The King we both love.

Oh, I know.

I do love you, Robin.

Oh, then please, God, get back in the bed, will you?

I can't.

I want to, but I can't.

Oh, darling, please, try to be patient with me.

All right, I'll try.

I'll try.

I'll do my best.

It'll be worth it.

I promise you.

It better be.

And besides, it's daybreak.

You must go.

It is?

I must?

Yes, you must.

My God, have time flashes by when you're having fun.

What do you want?

Why don't I take the stairs?

They go up?

Piece of cake.

Are you in there?

I can't hear.

Oh, that's better.

Ah!

Why is it quiet, Robin?

Just want to be left alone, all right?

Just think.

Can Richard alive and we'll see him soon?

God, can't tell you how excited I am, Robin.

I'm excited.

I got him, I'm excited.

You only knew how excited I was.

I'm even more excited than that, Robin.

Me too, but much more.

I'm so turned on and completely turned on.

Me, Bratuck, and even Lil John.

Oh, turned on.

I

can handle this.

I gotta handle this.

After all, Pope's handle it.

Men in prison handle it.

Oh, God, I gotta do something to get her off my mind.

Could he mean Robin?

Ned.

Hello there.

Darling, come on in.

Are you busy?

Well, I look busy.

No, you don't.

And I'm glad because you see, I've got a problem.

Come on, come on, make yourself comfortable.

Look, I don't have any money right now.

Darling, move down.

But I could pay you next month.

I'll get an afternoon.

Well, Molly, I don't want any special favors or privileges.

No, don't go, Robin.

Never see me.

I never charged your father.

Then why should it be any different reason?

Oh, you're brother, or your uncle Ned.

Bye.

Good evening, Ned.

See you then, Robin.

And now it was Robin's turn to obey.

The promise he'd made to the queen that night.

So out, we did ride on the very next day.

To raise up an army who knew how to fight.

It wasn't as easy as you may have kissed.

The brave, the brave, the brave, the brave.

Of Saxons had all left their jobs.

To join a king Richard on his holy quest.

So all that we found were a large group of lobs.

Oh, we hoped for the little basic training.

We might get lucky and turn him to slops.

On your knee nights, hanging dogs over the ears, only two pins.

Come and get your head and dogs, two pins.

Today

with holding, taxman is due.

Good Prince John.

How many times do I have to tell you?

We don't have any blatant tax money to give you.

I can't even feed our family.

Proceed.

Hey, before you hang the one on the ride, he owes me money from Polka.

And afterwards, all of his shoes stem my size.

It's been too long for me to pass.

It's probably good.

Get back!

Thank you, Sherwin Torres.

Go on, both of you.

Well, I'd like to speak to our lawyer first.

He's working on this appeal.

Join us.

Join us.

And when King Richard returns, you'll have no taxes.

No!

And you'll road to take your crops to market.

And free schools for your children.

Well, sounds good, but we'll eat pretty and right in.

Right, you Saxon Cards.

Right for Sherwin.

Oh, he said right.

Where are we running?

We should have asked him for horses.

Saxon John, Sherwin Glory.

Why are you doing all this?

It isn't interest, Peter.

You already take my horses.

Cow, chicken.

Sorry, I'm just doing my job.

Nothing personal.

Baddie to the ground, man.

Oh!

We're sailing!

I'm in ho!

I'm not I'm in ho, you nitty.

I'm in ho with black.

I'm robbing ho!

I thought Carol Flynn was robbing ho.

Peter, this land is your land.

My land?

From the show with Forrest to the Isle of White.

What else?

Isn't that enough?

Don't be a pig.

I need a pig.

Oh, you got it.

Two pigs.

What about it in the grain?

Why not?

Lift the grain and bargo.

And?

I want his head on the end of a pike.

That's what I want.

Oh, gentlemen, he has got to die.

Before that army of rattle that he is raising out there

in show at Forrest does something really dangerous.

Sheriff, raise the award.

And if that doesn't work, offer two first class round-trip tickets at a week's

all-expensification in the Auckland Islands.

It won't work, sir.

The peasants loyal to him.

Besides the way he operates, he's much too sneaky to be caught.

Sneaky!

Are you insinuating that there is anyone sneakier than me in this kingdom?

I'm sorry, sir.

I have an idea since the gentleman of your pardon

the expression is the best archer in all of England.

Why don't we have a competition?

The winner of which will be presented by you with a gold arrow.

That is a terrible idea.

That's a terrible idea.

I mean, even I, with my sick ego, wouldn't be

stupid enough to fall for a trap like that.

I hear he's starved for the company of a beautiful woman.

Who isn't?

A beautiful wench, sir.

We could send her into Sherwood, dressed in finery, wearing jewelry,

and carrying gold.

He would capture her, seducer, and then she could kill him afterwards and he'd sleep.

That is a smashing idea.

Now, who do we know in this kingdom who is beautiful

enough that we can trust on such an errand?

Now, how about Lady Marion?

Oh, no, sir.

I think not.

I mean, she's still an inexperienced, unwed virgin.

Ever since the crusades, every unwed woman in England is in an experienced virgin.

Marion, smashing idea.

Please, sir.

Not her.

Why not?

Oh, don't tell me.

No, no, I can see it in your eyes.

You love her.

I love my prince more.

Sorry, smart answers, a guy.

But unfortunately, Lady Marion is a complete feather-brain, sir.

I mean, put her head on a scale and the needle wouldn't even move.

As sneaky, I mean, as clever as Robin Hood is.

I'm afraid he'd discover the russians she would be

held captive for ransom to say where your brother is.

A normal noble woman held for ransom in the hands of that swine.

Bad public relations, sir.

Okay, okay, all right.

X-Nay on the Lady Marion idea.

But we have to think of something soon to destroy that rebellious traitor.

Or else we're in big trouble.

Right, sir?

No, no, no.

I'm in big trouble.

For both your troubles, it will be over.

Permanent, please.

Welcome, my boy.

Welcome.

Here's your sword.

And remember, if you do wander back when the battle's over.

Don't point at the penis, unless you're going to use it.

Please?

Oh, the dalleys.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, swing out.

It's heavy.

Of course it's heavy.

You'll nip.

You want to kill the man, don't you?

Oh, I'm not sure I don't even know his name.

George.

Oh, hello, George.

Please, to me.

That's cut that out.

Swing at him.

Go ahead.

Couldn't I just use a big rock instead?

Swing at his head.

Hey!

What'd you do that for?

Well, for you, he was going to hit me with that thing.

I know, but you're not supposed to duck, never duck.

You're supposed to hold up your sword and bend him off.

Like this.

Now go ahead, do it again.

You didn't say nothing about jumping, Robin.

Only ducking.

Can you cook?

No, but I can sew and dance.

Coming up on 11 a.m., the Vietnam veterans, going back to World War Zones

with their families as part of what they call the healing process.

66, 67, 68, 69.

Good evening, Marion.

Who is he?

This dear lady is Father Luther.

The priest.

The priest, the anti-war demonstrator, the folk singer,

the health food nut you name it, he's going to marry.

Oh, thank you, sir, guy.

To who?

To whom?

What a silly question.

Sweet lady, give me your hand.

To me, of course.

Not tonight, Shirley.

I love it.

I told you she wouldn't do it.

Mr. Big Shot War Lord, I told you.

God bless you, little lady.

Shut up.

We'll set him and he will take place this Sunday, at high noon.

No way.

I'm afraid I must insist.

Sir, Shirley, you jest.

You have known me long enough, madam, to know that I rarely jest.

Prince John has agreed to be best man, and my mother

is coming all the way from Paris to weep happy tears.

I really can't believe this.

I mean, how dare you walk in here and order me to be your wife?

What am I?

A piece of land, a prize, racehorse, a cavalry troop?

I am a ward of the King, sir.

And I belong to no man.

I'm a person.

And no one, not you, not Prince John, or King Richard, or the Pope himself has

the right to tell me when, or whom I shall marry.

Madam, this is 1228.

Find a fight dress.

Don't let him intimidate you, my lady.

Back to the dungeon, loud, until the wedding night.

God!

Remain outside the chamber.

This lady is not to leave this room without my permission.

...

Allan!

Allan!

You called my lady?

Yes, take this to Robin Hood and show it for us.

Please hurry.

Yes, my lady.

So, so, so, my lady.

Is this mother?

You know the law?

I wrote it.

You certainly did, my lady.

Lady Marion, you will be taken from this hall to an outside place of execution,

where tomorrow night, if it doesn't rain, you shall all be present at your beheading.

Unless, of course, your friend, Robin Hood, should have the courage to

show up and be willing to take your place on the block.

Oh, yes.

There is always a possibility of that, isn't this a guy?

Anyway, Sheriff, be sure that everybody knows that good seats are available at all

mutual ticket agencies and at the castle gate.

General admission to crowns, reserve seats, slightly higher.

Guard, take it to the dungeon.

Give her a last meal.

Nothing too heavy or elaborate.

I hate messy executions.

Take her away.

I don't care.

I don't care.

You can't be pushed down.

I don't care because I love Robin and I love him until the moment I die.

Let's go up to your creep.

Will you take your hands off of me and any idea on this dress card?

Well, if I tell Robin, he is just dumb enough to

do something really dumb and blow the whole thing.

I'll be what is silly, but I remember what it was like to be in love.

At least I think I remember.

No.

Which it comes first, I don't know.

No, no, no, no, no.

England comes first.

Oh, the hell with it.

So Eleanor got really smashed and thought she'd better go and warn Robin.

She picked up a habit that she'd used before.

The perfect dress to do the job in.

She mounted on a noble steed to find this that anyone could get her.

She felt that when needed reached top speed, a cap would have suited her much better.

You want us to risk our life over some bloody normal noble woman?

Is that what you're asking us to do?

Yes, Ned, that's what I'm asking you to do.

Well, we ain't going to do it, Robin.

Us against all those in the castle is suicide.

Which, in the eyes of God, is an unforgivable sin.

You too, Brother Tuck.

You too.

My God.

I've seen some miserable cowards in my day, but you whims really take the cake.

A beautiful lady whom I happen to love is about to lose her life.

And all you yellow bellies can think of.

Calm down, Robin.

Listen to reason.

Reason?

I don't hear any reason here.

All I hear here is fear.

Pure, unmitigated, chicken-livered fear.

Robin, dear boy, please try to understand.

We must have every man here when Richard returns.

This adventure you propose, though highly romantic in nature and noble in purpose.

Bug off.

Thank you.

I'll do it myself.

But Robin, go suck an egg.

Robin, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't try and talk me out of it, my queen.

Trying to rescue Marion by yourself is a very self-destructive move.

You're going to guess yourself wasted for nothing.

I have no choice.

No, no, you do.

Don't.

You do.

There's a way.

What?

Yeah, I'm going to hate myself for saying this.

But gold has been known to open locked dungeon doors.

The guards?

I know them.

But where am I going to get...

Isaac.

You're a wonderful woman, my queen.

I ride for York immediately.

Very big on hands.

172,000.

We're almost there, dear boy.

One more dumb drive for our country.

And we'll have the 200,000.

Your country?

A band drive?

You don't even have a country yet.

That's never stopped us before.

One week, two at the most.

And we'll be in business, Robin.

Not quite.

What exactly is that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm going to need some of that money, Isaac.

A personal matter.

What's the girl's name?

And who's sure she's pregnant?

I've got to bribe the captain of the guards of Prince John's Castle.

Also a lieutenant, three sergeants, five

corporals, and 27 other miscellaneous characters.

They are holding Lady Marion hostage.

Not another hostage, it's unbelievable.

They're going to execute her tonight with an axe.

How much?

Her whole head.

I mean, how much cash, Robin?

Ah, cash, right.

Well, let's see, I've got to have 50,000 at least.

Better make it 60, to be sure.

What about 75, and I'll give you the chain?

Tell me, dear pillar.

How long do you intend to put up with these brutal terrorizing

misfits who have chosen to ruin this great kingdom?

Look, Isaac, no speeches.

I couldn't agree with you more as just they got me between a rock and a hard place.

All right, but stop piecing up and down.

You will hold in the raspberry.

Look, I can't give you this money.

It's been raised to ransom King Richard.

No, I know, Isaac, but I really love this girl.

What am I supposed to do?

What, what, what?

I may have an idea.

You may have an idea.

I just said that.

All right, right, right, right, but you can't help me.

No, no, no.

But I know the small group of nice Jewish boys who just might.

...

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ruben, Ruben Hood.

Ruben, Ruben Hood.

Oh, yeah, I forgot you're not one of us.

Ah.

Ruben, I'd like to introduce you to Irving.

Bernie.

Yehudi.

Ruben.

And Scott Kelly.

Hi, I'm Ruben.

Shalom.

Okay, let's go.

Get it across the mud.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.

That's not the state of love.

A road, a road, a road, your boat.

Shaped across the mud.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.

That's not the state of love.

Quiet.

Quiet.

Now, remember, men, we got a complete operation,

merrily, and exactly two and a half minutes.

So synchronize your voices for the countdown.

Fellas, we're breaking into a castle, not boiling an egg.

Gather on, men.

Ah, we got it down.

Right down here.

All right, let's go for it then.

Mud on the faces except for Bernie, Yehudi, and Ruben.

Mud on the faces?

Is this kindergarten games?

Listen, Schnuck, you've got three choices.

You do it our way, you take a walk, or let's call the whole thing off.

Give me the mud.

Right, let's start digging.

Bernie, let's cut Kelly.

Everybody here.

Ready for the countdown, lady?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

I'm telling you, men, she's my sister, but she's awesome.

A pair of a diversion reaction.

No, Lord, you die, Lord.

I said, men, she's a trap.

Take that off, I knew no one picked me.

Please, don't move.

The two of us are going to die.

I'll have a drink.

The two of us are going to die.

I said, I'll have a drink.

You're a dubious man.

You're a dubious man.

Get them in there.

You're a banger, no.

You're a dubious man.

We can talk about my sister, I can't... Oh, boy!

Oh, let go my nose, you freak!

Not until I ripped it off.

You slimy snake.

I'll fix them.

Here, open up.

This won't cool them down!

Oh, hell, rat!

What are

you doing over here?

I'm sick.

Oh, you can't.

I knew you would.

I knew you would.

You have got how I love you.

I know how I love you too, man.

But who are those strange men?

It's my pleasure.

Come on.

Wait, we must stay farther from there.

We're under 30.

Free.

He's going to get him out.

Good.

They did it two and a half minutes.

And you, Lady Mary.

I do.

And you, Robin.

I do.

Then, with the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you, man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

Not on the hands, Robin.

I promise I'll make you a wonderful wife.

You won't be sorry.

I'll be faithful and loving and totally supportive.

You turn now.

Well, I just want to say that... I've been ecotistical, selfish, beastly.

No, it's not.

Every time I've come with him five feet of you, I've lost all control.

I've become a complete sex maniac.

I give you permission to become a complete sex maniac again.

To think that in the midst of all this violence and confusion and madness,

that we too found the time to find each other, meet, fall in love.

It almost gives you faith in the future of the human race again.

Robin.

Yes.

But there are two things I'd like right now.

Oh, speak, speak, tell me whatever they are you can have.

Please, stop with the speeches and may love to me.

And the second thing.

What?

What?

What?

What will tell me what it is and let me do it for

you before this beautiful magical night of love?

Would you mind taking a very quick bath?

You know, I don't intend to stay home doing needlepoint, Robin.

And I do hate shopping and going to lunch with the girls.

I won't have you working.

Oh, well, who's talking about working?

I would like to take French lessons, though.

And maybe raise radiant horses and show them.

And I would like to keep up with my painting.

I'm really quite good, you know.

I remember our watercolor I did once of a rich burning.

Father loved it.

Said it made him cry.

Marion, what about, I mean, suppose we...

What about a family?

Robin, bring children into this terrible world, oh, I don't think so.

Oh, no.

Remember, I told you when we first met.

I'm different.

You're not different.

I'm not?

You're perfect.

Oh,

I've been looking for you.

Got the gold.

Now, who could be trusted to carry the gold?

To ransom King Richard from Duke Leopold?

So, though it may turn out a dangerous trip, Isaac

booked Rebecca I's class on the very next ship.

When Wicked Prince Tom first discovered the news, he wasn't delighted or even amused.

He raved and he rented and blew him a fuse.

He'd been shafted by Robin and a whole bunch of Jews.

Oh, that's it.

It's over.

It's finished.

It's come.

Oh, and I'm swine, Robin Hood.

He's rescued by Marion.

He's out there in the woods with that army to wait.

He was something like this.

He promised those sacks and morons to move.

We've got an army, too, Johnny.

Don't forget that.

A bigger one.

They won't be fight because they're afraid of me.

And there's a difference.

Outboy's hard.

Just don't seem to be in it.

Why don't we beat those sacks and so their own game?

What does that mean?

Robin Hood has paid promises to the people in Richard's name.

Let us make some, too.

Bigger ones.

Oh, I see.

And those poor dumb slabs will love me more than they love

Richard and when he shows up, they'll tell him to stick it.

Exactly.

Oh, I love it.

Oh, look, that is dynamite.

And I'll wait a minute.

No, no, no.

Won't they just be a little upset?

I mean, these same poor dumb slabs when they find out a year or two from now that

we never have any intention of honoring any of those promises.

What promises?

Sir Guy.

We put them on paper and you'll sign it.

And so will all the bottoms.

We'll make a big deal out of it.

Send out press releases.

Have a party.

Let everybody know.

Are you insane?

Since when has politics been nice?

I love it.

We'll call it Magna Carta.

Nothing can go wrong.

Hello, 10 ladies.

No more, Mr. Nice Guy.

I agree, my lord.

Prince John is going to have himself crowned

king tomorrow morning at Canterbury Cathedral.

Oh, no.

Then it's over.

We've lost.

Robin, perhaps if you asked the men to fight.

Forget it, my lady.

They'd never fight without Richard being here?

No, he's right.

And who could blame the poor devils?

Damn him.

Damn Prince John and his evil ways.

Dear boy, at least we tried.

And we shall go on trying, my queen.

We shall fight them on the beaches.

We shall fight them in the fields.

And we shall never, never surrender.

Robin, perhaps you should come to bed.

I think you're over tired.

Not now.

Sometimes a man has to be alone.

Oh, fly a talk.

Don't tell them anything.

Let them sleep.

Rebecca, is that you?

What are you doing here?

You should be with King Richard.

She is Robin of Loxley.

Richard, your majesty.

Your home.

Bless you, Rebecca.

Men, King Richard has come home.

Welcome home, Richard.

Welcome home, Richard.

Today is known as St. Mortimer's Day.

He who sheds his blood with me today shall be my buddy.

When he be rich or poor.

He who does battle on the side of God and all her.

Which is our side, of course.

Shall have Richard's ear.

For as long as this good night can listen.

My leg, we really must hurry, your majesty.

The coronation is scheduled for high noon.

Do not shut up.

We do not have a moment to lose.

On to Canterbury Cathedral Men.

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Robin,

what's wrong, relish?

I cannot do battle in Canterbury Cathedral.

I will never again shed blood on holy ground.

I must not.

I have given my word as a Christian knight to sheek, son of him.

What?

You slaughtered half of Jerusalem, and you want what?

You are from my life's work.

Not to mention the happiness of your best friend.

Is at stake, and you won't slaughter a man on holy ground.

You!

You!

You!

No, you!

You played with your cousins those till you were 11.

You didn't kill your first man until you were 16.

You didn't make love.

You were bleeding.

Please, not in front of the peasants.

But what do we do now, Robin?

Why does everybody always ask me that question?

I'm a hero, not a thinker.

Look, we've got four hours to come up with something, so I suggest...

I suggest that everybody here start thinking!

I think I have an idea that might just work.

I think I've got it.

I can hear the ready man on ten, count down, Lujan.

One, two, four, six, seven, eight.

Remember, no bloodshed, these are holy men!

Oh no, no much left.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

What is the meaning of this?

Good morning, Thomas.

That's odd.

We're getting close, Robin.

Tell the boys to sing something holy.

It'll look better.

Start the men singing, Will.

Isaac.

Something holy lands.

99 bottles of beer on the wall.

99 bottles of beer.

You take one down and hand it around.

98 bottles of beer on the wall.

It's the only song they know, Sir.

...butодар.

If I keep bottle of beer,... you take one down and hand it around.

Remember no bloodshed, Sir.

I guess I love Lujan.

98 bottles of beer.

80 bottles of beer.

98 bottles of beer.

98 bottles of beer on the wall.

Doctor, I remember.

I remember.

No blood, right?

All right.

By, and by what authority do you, John Lackland, Prince of England,

claim to be crowned this dear sovereign of this realm?

I write a blood succession.

According to the law of the realm.

Come on, Thomas.

Is it of your own free will that you thus depers your brother?

Thomas, knock it off.

I repeat, is it of your own free will that you thus

depers your brother Richard the Lion Heart of England?

Richard is dead.

From this day forward, I, John, am King of England.

Surprise!

It's a pleasure.

Richard, this Richard the Lion Heart.

It's a trick of the outlaw to the postman.

King of England.

Do I look like an imposter, sir, guy?

A dead one.

Remember, no bloodshed.

A bloodshed.

He would touch me, let's off of gruel.

My gruel.

Blood.

A good late cut.

I hate chatting at a jewel, dear.

But do you have any prayers?

Only one?

Good.

That was it.

Who did that?

Who?

Who'd you think?

You didn't think I was going to stay home and miss all the fun, did you?

But mother, I told you I made a promise to shake Saladin

that I would never again shed blood from holy ground.

Oh, blow it out your ear, old you vimp.

Not going to earring.

I told you not to pierce your ears.

Now, go on, John.

Tell your brother you're sorry.

Richard.

I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

That's it.

You're sorry.

You want more?

It would be nice.

Because you are my brother, I have decided to spare your life.

But for crimes against this realm, I banish the job.

I would like a press conference before I leave.

No.

No press conference.

How about a pension?

I'll think about it.

Wait.

I really can explain how all this happened.

You see, I'm an analysis.

This is sibling rivalry, you know, big brother time.

Ask Rupert.

I have this note from him.

It's somewhere, but I'm cured now.

I really am if you just give me another chance.

Oh, just one more chance to show all of you.

Goodbye, John.

I did pretty good while you were gone.

I balanced the budget.

I made peace with Ironman.

Have a good life, John.

I'm now for you, Robin, the friend who helped me back to my rightful place as

king over all my people's norm and sex and alike.

What can I give you as a reward for your loyalty, love and devotion to your king?

Sire, I would seek your permission to take a nice long honeymoon with Lady Mary.

A honeymoon?

Do you mean that you're already married?

Yes, Sire.

The ceremony was performed just last week by good father Luther.

I find that very hard to believe.

You were coming up?

Marry a baron's daughter!

Him impossible!

Draw near!

Never in the long history of this realm has

so much been owed by so many to serve you.

Nigo, Robin Hood.

For thus I doubt thee.

Sir Robin of Loxley.

Rise, Sir Robin.

I'll

go.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

But when are we going to get Israel?

Yes, that's Israel.

What about Indoor Plumbing?

What are these people yelling about?

What about Maggie Volk's?

Robin had to make a few promises to bring you back.

What about child support?

Israel is a homeland for the Jews.

What about social security?

In the Holy Land.

So you're going one more crusade, big deal.

Oh boy.

Oh, no way.

I am not going back to Palestine, my lad.

Robin.

Did you?

We needed the 200,000 sire and the old Jews, the only one ready to come up with it.

We can't.

You will reach war.

Well, maybe we better get out of here before he changes his mind about us.

What about equal opportunity for women in the weak fields?

What about unemployment benefits?

I want employment benefits.

Yes, the Medicare.

I want Medicare.

Then I want to be Richard's Queen.

Robin, I love you, Richard.

Rebecca, you know you can't be Queen.

But you promised.

That night when we crossed the channel coming

home and you may be doing all those wild things.

Together.

I was lonely.

I hadn't been with a woman in a year.

You mean you don't love me?

Of course I love you if I say I love you.

I love you.

Then I want to be Queen, Richard.

I want to be Queen Rebecca the first.

All right, all right.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make you a princess.

I'm already a princess.

I don't want to be a princess.

What are the 40 hours we had children on the 12th?

I want it so that you get women the right to work.

The right to work.

John, what you have to face rich things, you know?

John, it's a spiritual thing.

John, it's a spiritual thing.

John, it's a spiritual thing.

John, it's a spiritual thing.

John, it's a spiritual thing.

Johnny,

please, come back.

I only use a comeback.

Johnny, you've fallen down.