Original subtitles

The world is always ragging on America

The world is always ragging on America

The world is always ragging on America these days. Like, your president sucks.

these days. Like, your president sucks.

these days. Like, your president sucks. Your economy is just AI. You're all

Your economy is just AI. You're all

Your economy is just AI. You're all dying of measles.

dying of measles.

dying of measles. Like, we get it. We get it. We're not

Like, we get it. We get it. We're not

Like, we get it. We get it. We're not perfect. We know we have problems. But

perfect. We know we have problems. But

perfect. We know we have problems. But guess what? The rest of the world has

guess what? The rest of the world has

guess what? The rest of the world has got issues, too. Okay. All right. For

got issues, too. Okay. All right. For

got issues, too. Okay. All right. For instance, China with your fancy solar

instance, China with your fancy solar

instance, China with your fancy solar panels and your fast trains and your

panels and your fast trains and your

panels and your fast trains and your sneezing pandas falling down. You know,

sneezing pandas falling down. You know,

sneezing pandas falling down. You know, China,

China,

China, you've got problems. Check this out.

you've got problems. Check this out.

you've got problems. Check this out. >> Condoms and birth control pills just got

>> Condoms and birth control pills just got

>> Condoms and birth control pills just got more expensive in China. The change is

more expensive in China. The change is

more expensive in China. The change is part of a push from China's government

part of a push from China's government

part of a push from China's government to reverse the country's falling birth

to reverse the country's falling birth

to reverse the country's falling birth rate and encourage more couples to have

rate and encourage more couples to have

rate and encourage more couples to have children.

>> First of all, why would you pay for

>> First of all, why would you pay for

>> First of all, why would you pay for condoms? Just go outside. They're on the

condoms? Just go outside. They're on the

condoms? Just go outside. They're on the ground.

ground.

ground. But like, haha, China, you've got

But like, haha, China, you've got

But like, haha, China, you've got falling birth rates. And I know, I know

falling birth rates. And I know, I know

falling birth rates. And I know, I know you're going to say, "Hey, Americans,

you're going to say, "Hey, Americans,

you're going to say, "Hey, Americans, don't you also have falling birth

don't you also have falling birth

don't you also have falling birth rates?" Yeah, but we find ways to

rates?" Yeah, but we find ways to

rates?" Yeah, but we find ways to embrace them like like becoming Disney

embrace them like like becoming Disney

embrace them like like becoming Disney adults. Okay. It's like, we don't need

adults. Okay. It's like, we don't need

adults. Okay. It's like, we don't need kids. We are kids.

Also, who does this condom tax target

Also, who does this condom tax target

Also, who does this condom tax target exactly? Someone's like, "I want to have

exactly? Someone's like, "I want to have

exactly? Someone's like, "I want to have sex, but I'm a cheapkate, so I guess

sex, but I'm a cheapkate, so I guess

sex, but I'm a cheapkate, so I guess I'll just have a baby."

Like, if China really wants to put

Like, if China really wants to put

Like, if China really wants to put condoms out of reach, they should put

condoms out of reach, they should put

condoms out of reach, they should put them on the top shelf.

Actually, yeah. No, no, really though,

Actually, yeah. No, no, really though,

Actually, yeah. No, no, really though, their overall health has improved, so

their overall health has improved, so

their overall health has improved, so they are getting taller. But

they are getting taller. But

they are getting taller. But you know, you know what else? They're

you know, you know what else? They're

you know, you know what else? They're getting lonier. There's a new app in

getting lonier. There's a new app in

getting lonier. There's a new app in China that's making headlines, are you

China that's making headlines, are you

China that's making headlines, are you dead? Skyrocketing to the number one

dead? Skyrocketing to the number one

dead? Skyrocketing to the number one paid app spot. It's a quote safety tool

paid app spot. It's a quote safety tool

paid app spot. It's a quote safety tool crafted for solo dwellers, aka people

crafted for solo dwellers, aka people

crafted for solo dwellers, aka people living alone to let their loved ones

living alone to let their loved ones

living alone to let their loved ones know that they're alive. Users have to

know that they're alive. Users have to

know that they're alive. Users have to hit a big green button once a day. And

hit a big green button once a day. And

hit a big green button once a day. And if you fail to do it two days in a row,

if you fail to do it two days in a row,

if you fail to do it two days in a row, it reaches out to your emergency

it reaches out to your emergency

it reaches out to your emergency contact.

>> Okay, wait. So, first of all, this is a

>> Okay, wait. So, first of all, this is a

>> Okay, wait. So, first of all, this is a paid app.

paid app.

paid app. So after the free trial, I have to like

So after the free trial, I have to like

So after the free trial, I have to like watch an ad for DraftKings before

watch an ad for DraftKings before

watch an ad for DraftKings before finding out if my grandma's dead.

>> Okay. So, like doing it through an app

>> Okay. So, like doing it through an app

>> Okay. So, like doing it through an app is so impersonal. Like just do what I

is so impersonal. Like just do what I

is so impersonal. Like just do what I do. I text my mom, "Are you dead?" And

do. I text my mom, "Are you dead?" And

do. I text my mom, "Are you dead?" And she she always says, "No." And then I

she she always says, "No." And then I

she she always says, "No." And then I respond, "How about now?"

respond, "How about now?"

respond, "How about now?" Like it's this cute little thing that we

Like it's this cute little thing that we

Like it's this cute little thing that we do. And although she hasn't texted me

do. And although she hasn't texted me

do. And although she hasn't texted me back in two days, so miss you, old gal.

back in two days, so miss you, old gal.

back in two days, so miss you, old gal. But see, this is like the Uber Eats of

But see, this is like the Uber Eats of

But see, this is like the Uber Eats of wellness checks. It's like, "Hey, do I

wellness checks. It's like, "Hey, do I

wellness checks. It's like, "Hey, do I smell rotting flesh? I could get up from

smell rotting flesh? I could get up from

smell rotting flesh? I could get up from the couch or I can check the old dead

the couch or I can check the old dead

the couch or I can check the old dead neighbor app."

neighbor app."

neighbor app." Sorry about that, China, but that is so

Sorry about that, China, but that is so

Sorry about that, China, but that is so not our problem.

And do you think we forgot about you,

And do you think we forgot about you,

And do you think we forgot about you, England? Yeah, maybe we don't have

England? Yeah, maybe we don't have

England? Yeah, maybe we don't have health care like you do, and we did end

health care like you do, and we did end

health care like you do, and we did end up with a king after all. But

up with a king after all. But

up with a king after all. But at least this didn't happen to us.

at least this didn't happen to us.

at least this didn't happen to us. >> An English beach has been covered in

>> An English beach has been covered in

>> An English beach has been covered in French fries after a cargo ship spilled.

French fries after a cargo ship spilled.

French fries after a cargo ship spilled. >> Thousands of spuds and other veggies

>> Thousands of spuds and other veggies

>> Thousands of spuds and other veggies have washed up, tumbling off a container

have washed up, tumbling off a container

have washed up, tumbling off a container ship in a storm. And it could take years

ship in a storm. And it could take years

ship in a storm. And it could take years to clean it up.

to clean it up.

to clean it up. >> What?

>> What?

>> What? FRENCH FRIES GO IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT THE

FRENCH FRIES GO IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT THE

FRENCH FRIES GO IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT THE SEA.

SEA.

SEA. ALSO, it's going to take years to clean

ALSO, it's going to take years to clean

ALSO, it's going to take years to clean this up. Just get a group of girlfriends

this up. Just get a group of girlfriends

this up. Just get a group of girlfriends together who will be like, "Hold on.

together who will be like, "Hold on.

together who will be like, "Hold on. Should we be bad and eat all these ocean

Should we be bad and eat all these ocean

Should we be bad and eat all these ocean fries?"

fries?"

fries?" Like, they'll have the beach cleaned up

Like, they'll have the beach cleaned up

Like, they'll have the beach cleaned up in an hour. This is This is what British

in an hour. This is This is what British

in an hour. This is This is what British people get for not seasoning their food.

people get for not seasoning their food.

people get for not seasoning their food. Okay? Food deserves better. Frankly, I'm

Okay? Food deserves better. Frankly, I'm

Okay? Food deserves better. Frankly, I'm not convinced those French fries didn't

not convinced those French fries didn't

not convinced those French fries didn't just kill themselves.

just kill themselves.

just kill themselves. So, sorry Brits. Maybe we're clogging

So, sorry Brits. Maybe we're clogging

So, sorry Brits. Maybe we're clogging our arteries with French fries, but

our arteries with French fries, but

our arteries with French fries, but you're clogging the tunnel with them.

you're clogging the tunnel with them.

you're clogging the tunnel with them. And that that is sonara.

>> Guten Germany. You think you're better

>> Guten Germany. You think you're better

>> Guten Germany. You think you're better than us because you have what?

than us because you have what?

than us because you have what? Accordians and giant pretzels. It's not

Accordians and giant pretzels. It's not

Accordians and giant pretzels. It's not like you don't have your own weird

like you don't have your own weird

like you don't have your own weird going on.

going on.

going on. >> Cyborg cockroaches ready for the

>> Cyborg cockroaches ready for the

>> Cyborg cockroaches ready for the battlefield. Sci-fi fantasy. Absolutely

battlefield. Sci-fi fantasy. Absolutely

battlefield. Sci-fi fantasy. Absolutely not. Swarm Biotactics in central Germany

not. Swarm Biotactics in central Germany

not. Swarm Biotactics in central Germany is working with the Bundes to develop

is working with the Bundes to develop

is working with the Bundes to develop technology that can steer the creepy

technology that can steer the creepy

technology that can steer the creepy critters autonomously and send them on

critters autonomously and send them on

critters autonomously and send them on reconnaissance missions.

reconnaissance missions.

reconnaissance missions. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Cockroaches in the military. Can you

Cockroaches in the military. Can you

Cockroaches in the military. Can you imagine? Wait, so now instead of

imagine? Wait, so now instead of

imagine? Wait, so now instead of screaming when I see a cockroach, I have

screaming when I see a cockroach, I have

screaming when I see a cockroach, I have to say, "Thank you for your service."

Let me guess. Let me guess. They get to

Let me guess. Let me guess. They get to

Let me guess. Let me guess. They get to board the plane before everyone else,

board the plane before everyone else,

board the plane before everyone else, too.

too.

too. You know, if they get 10% off at Carell,

You know, if they get 10% off at Carell,

You know, if they get 10% off at Carell, I'm going to lose it.

I'm going to lose it.

I'm going to lose it. But hey, as long as this isn't part of a

But hey, as long as this isn't part of a

But hey, as long as this isn't part of a larger trend in Germany.

larger trend in Germany.

larger trend in Germany. >> Germany's new chancellor has vowed to

>> Germany's new chancellor has vowed to

>> Germany's new chancellor has vowed to build the strongest army in Europe.

build the strongest army in Europe.

build the strongest army in Europe. >> Germany wants to recruit an estimated

>> Germany wants to recruit an estimated

>> Germany wants to recruit an estimated 80,000 more active soldiers in the

80,000 more active soldiers in the

80,000 more active soldiers in the upcoming years.

The world hasn't heard Germany assert

The world hasn't heard Germany assert

The world hasn't heard Germany assert itself like this since World War II.

>> Yes, Germany is rebuilding its military

>> Yes, Germany is rebuilding its military

>> Yes, Germany is rebuilding its military for the first time since World War II.

for the first time since World War II.

for the first time since World War II. And that's okay because it's actually

And that's okay because it's actually

And that's okay because it's actually maybe that is everyone's problem.