Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

In '61 I was lost.

I was looking for myself.

It's embarrassing to ask me what I was doing in 1961.

Oh, well I met Mo Saltzman of course.

Mo was a compelling guy.

He was short, heavy, stocky, heavy,

strong though, and very agile.

I mean he moved beautifully.

He was this kind of intense short little guy

with big ideas, talked a mile a minute, very philosophical,

a real impresario.

He says well listen, I'm having a party today.

Would you like to come?

We went up to this big old house,

a big old mansion-type house.

It was big, and it was open, and it was so California.

It was out in Chatsworth.

And we went into the backyard, and there are quite

a few odd things going on.

But you have to remember, I went to Hollywood High.

First I saw a couple of nude ladies running around.

Next thing I know, something's rubbing up against me, and--

And then some man ran through across just the hallway.

He didn't have a stitch on.

And he had a bone on him like this.

And--

Everybody started kissing and fucking.

And I got caught up in it.

I just got caught up in it.

Breasts and assholes and balls.

Men on top of men.

There were women on top of women.

Sometimes it was two.

Sometimes it was three.

Imagine having six or seven people work on you at one time.

There were like 15 couples there, all bunched together,

you know, shtupping away.

It was like a plate of calamari.

I open my eyes and there's a camera looking at me.

It might have been one of the first

recorded organized, quasi-not orgy

orgies that came out of Mo.

The things I did that day, that I'm not particularly proud of.

But there's nothing I wouldn't do

for a good pastrami sandwich.

I think that was the beginning of the Mo Saltzman legend.

That was the beginning.

I think that afternoon was the beginning of everything.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Mo Saltzman was, without question,

the most influential pornographer

of the 20th century.

I mean here's a guy who made hundreds of commercially

successful films, from fun-loving nudie cuties

to darkly original sexploitation films, to his groundbreaking

work in musical pornography.

But what really separated Mo from everyone else

was that he made pornos that mattered.

I mean, I remember I was 10 years old,

and my Uncle Andy snuck me into the Corinthian Theater

there in San Francisco.

I'll never forget it.

It was a matinee performance of a Fistful of Penis.

And it was a revelation.

It was a life changing event for me.

I was 10 years old.

I'd seen a lot of porn.

But I had never seen anything like a Mo, because no one had.

Mo took the medium and he massaged it.

And he was able to really address

social and political issues of his time.

Now that is Moe.

[HELICOPTER]

We're living the Constitution.

We're-- we're the physical and mental

embodiment of our rights, of the Bill of Rights, you know?

A kid goes, what does these Bill of Rights mean?

You can point them to the porn industry and show them,

this is what the Bill of Rights are.

These are why our Founding Fathers did what they did.

Is so that we could sit in our own living rooms

and masturbate to the movie of our choice,

whether it be pornography or the Sound of Music.

NARRATOR: In 1967, Saltzman broke

pornography's color barrier with guess who's coming on dinner.

It featured the industry's first interracial Dirty Sanchez.

And in 1987, Mo buoyed up the spirits

of the entire handicap porn community

by directing Pile Driving Miss Daisy.

Oh, you're so thick.

NARRATOR: This was the first ever for the hearing impaired.

Fuck me! Fuck me!

The handicapped porn consumer had largely been ignored.

There was a little bit of amputee porn,

the Stump Fucker Series.

But if you were blind or a retard,

where do you go for your porn?

NARRATOR: In the '70s and -80s, Saltzman subtly tweaked

the political establishment with his Pap Smears,

political action pornos.

The issues we're trying to address, like the environment,

you know, we made a movie about the hole in the ozone layer.

The ozone layer is a very important layer to have.

And there shouldn't be a hole in it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Sweet.

Yeah, I'll meet you at your place later, baby.

That's right. All right.

You just make sure that waterbed's nice and hot.

Mitch.

How could you?

That's an aerosol cooking spray.

What, this?

Busted.

How do we turn Sheila on?

-Act locally, think globally. -Right.

-Ow. -That's right.

Shazam.

Yes, yes.

When Mo died in the spring of 2007,

he left such a gaping hole in the porn industry.

Hundreds of porn stars had lost a beloved father figure.

And porn fans across the world, they

lost the thrill of ever seeing a new Mo

Saltzman production again.

Until they found out there was one film left.

Well I'd been working in Europe for the past couple years.

So I was in Saint Tropez, directing

second unit on a car campaign, when I heard about Mo's death.

The next day a trunk arrives at my hotel.

It was a steamer trunk of Mo's that the Estate

had delivered to me.

When I opened that trunk and saw what was inside,

it was one of those moments that you know your life

will never be the same.

It was a script called Dial M for Milkjugs,

with storyboards, pages and pages of notes.

It had been a project he'd been working on for years and years

and years, and wanted to make, and never

got the chance to make.

And it was in his will that if he passed before he

got a chance to do it, that he wanted

me to take over the project.

I quit my job the next day, flew back to the states,

called everybody on the cast.

They're all on board.

It's going to star a dream team of porn superstars

from across the generations.

Everybody in the business wanted to be in this picture.

But Mo hand-picked the cast himself.

And he picked the best.

NARRATOR: Coming out of retirement for this shoot

will be Mo's favorite leading lady

of the '70s, Lynette Kelly.

A couple of friends and I went to see this Joe Cocker concert,

and Mo Saltzman was there.

And we began talking and sort of struck up

an immediate friendship.

And he invited me to watch them shoot the film

that he was working on at the time,

which was COCK-A-Doodle-DON'T.

I was impressed by how everyone was really Mo's family.

I asked Mo right there how I could be a part of it.

And so he put me in a scene with Bud Hurley.

-Fuck. -Yeah.

LYNETTE KELLY: Bud Hurley was the master.

He read your body like a blind man reads a novel.

He could not only make you have an orgasm,

but others watching it would have orgasms simultaneously.

Most people don't get a chance to relive their youth,

you know?

But I'm getting that chance.

And I just hope I'm up to it.

It will be a different kind of project, obviously.

It will be a boomer experience.

And I hope maybe some of those boons will be sonic, you know?

I don't think it's a good idea. He's older.

He's gained weight.

His blood pressure is too high.

And I worry about him.

He gets winded.

NARRATOR: In the '80s, Mo continued

his political activism with films like Mr Gorbachev,

Tear Down Those Pants.

He also redefined the genre.

He merged action adventure filmmaking and pornography.

Doug and Debbie Vander Spiegel were his stars.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Man's got to do what a man's got to do.

-He's going to kill you. -Think so?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's go save some mathletes.

Blue or red? -Red.

[LOUD BEEPING TONE]

God Bananaman, come on.

Clear!

Let's go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING): I don't know, but I been told.

(SINGING): I don't know, but I been told.

(SINGING): Climb those rocks and share the load.

Our work that we've created is all about building and working

together, and teamwork.

Share the load.

It's very simple.

We worked so well together, and we wanted

to pass that on to people.

It's not about you taking it in.

It's about them taking it in.

-I've never been on this trail. -I don't give a shit.

You know, when I first started out,

I paving Mo's driveway, just for a couple extra bucks.

That's hot work, working with tar.

And he's like, you could do more.

You could do a lot more.

I've got a whole patio up here you can do.

Mo really made me feel like I could live my dreams.

And I didn't have to settle for less.

I love Mo very much.

And it was upsetting for me.

At the same, of course I was thrilled to be a part of it.

I mean, to be back in the saddle?

Woo-hoo.

I mean, wow.

That's all I was thinking.

I was like whoa, one more try, you know?

Let this bronc out of the-- you know, out of the stable.

But I mean, you know, only in a professional way.

NARRATOR: By the 1990's, porn fans

we're demanding more three way action.

And Mo rewarded them with a huge helping

of his tag team superstars, Jerry and Marty Sphincter.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's been eight years since I've done a picture.

You know, I just walked away.

It's exciting, you know?

I mean, I still feel-- I've got the equipment.

You know it's still-- everything's functional.

I still feel sexy.

I still feel like I got it going on.

And that's-- and that's exciting for me, to be able to-- to--

OK.

Well that money's going to fall through now, because you

couldn't get me the deal.

How does that feel Jim?

Does that feel good? Yeah.

So yeah, you're not going to have any money to make

that deal in Century City.

Right, you little motherfucker.

Hold on one second.

Where's my salad?

I changed my name to Marty Stevens

when I realized that a name like Sphincter

wasn't going to do me great in the business world.

It was supposed to be here five minutes ago.

Where's my salad?

I did what you said.

Get me my salad now.

Salad now.

NARRATOR: Growing up in Piscataway,

New Jersey, Jerry and Marty were as close as brothers could be.

In 1986 they rose to national prominence

as champion high school cheerleaders,

known for their spirited routines

and their signature handshake.

Psh, psh, ready, OK.

NARRATOR: Mo saw one of these performances,

and he immediately recognized their potential

as a porn stars.

Fuck.

The day after Jerry and Marty graduated from high school,

they appeared in their first porn together, Jew Sandwich.

The Sphincter Brothers went on to become the most influential

tag team duo in porn history, until a tragic incident

ripped them apart in 1999.

It's been eight years since the incident.

And it's been a long journey.

I haven't seen my brother Marty in that time.

And that's hard.

I haven't seen Jerry in a long time.

And I frankly don't need to see Jerry.

Hollister called about the reunion movie,

and you know what?

It was a great time when I did porn.

And I loved all those characters.

But we had our moment.

I've moved on.

It's just porn is not a part of my life anymore.

And I hope-- I wish them all well.

That's all I can say.

God bless.

I've called Marty a few times, a few times a week.

And I haven't heard back.

And it's been about four years now.

But I'm composing a letter.

And I'm trying to put all my thoughts

down on paper for him to read.

My hope is that it'll hit him somewhere deep,

and he'll show up for the shoot.

Maybe get some closure.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Could you make it out to Doug please?

All right. Doug, you a big fan?

Yes ma'am.

I'm really excited about the signing today,

because it's my--

Anus and vagina.

Yeah.

And 4 and 1/2 inches of taint.

Mwah. -All right.

You head downstairs mister.

A committed fan deserves an ass.

NARRATOR: As a new century dawned,

Mo introduced what critics would later call the anal explosion.

His series of anal themed films made

Whitney Sweet a household name.

Rub it.

I love you.

Rub it.

Hey, hello.

You are fucking awesome.

I do the job to you all the time.

Nothing I do is gratuitous.

She's very classy.

Very conservative up to this point.

Yeah.

You know, if it's in the ass, it isn't in another hole

at the same time.

When she works on this project, it's going to skyrocket

her into a new place, OK?

She's going to be starting by doing her very first number

one, numero uno, lesbian scene.

She's going to be working with Hallie Lujah, who is the number

deux woman in the industry.

My job as her manager is more to shape her career.

And the way I've been shaping it is

more into the ambiguously legal stuff, you know?

So, you know, the girl who's been stood up on prom night,

like, who's voted for the first time.

Anything else?

While I have done the sleepover and we get in a pillow fight.

And then, oh, that last one I did was 16.

Of course.

Driver's license.

That was really, really funny.

That was exciting, yeah.

-Suck your thumb again. -Yeah.

That's what she does best.

I've really enjoyed working with Gretchen,

because I feel like Gretchen understands

what it's like to be a man. -Thanks a lot.

Keep it moving.

And I understand what it's like to be a woman.

-I'm Carrie. -Gretchen.

I'm Gretchen.

I got a little flustered.

And so what's gone into this strange marriage of a shemale

and a female in business--

Let me put it this way.

I work in business.

I know what it's like to be fucked up the ass.

And so does she.

Well it's hard to believe, but Mo Saltzman

never won a Peevie Award.

Now it's one of my personal goals to get Mo a Peevie.

The deadline for submissions is in 10 days.

But that will not be a problem, because we

have the best producers in the business, the best of the best.

-You're doing great. -Just show me again.

Just do it again. -Sweetie, look.

NARRATOR: Life partners Ted Haynes and Andre Cox will

be producing in the 1990s they starred in a series of wildly

original homoerotic films.

Titles as varied as The Crack of Dawn, Taste of Seth,

and of course, Howard's End.

We decided to have a baby about two years ago,

and we did a computer progression

of what one could look like if we

actually could mix our genes.

Which you can't.

But the computer progression is--

it looked strangely looked like Charles

Nelson Reilly or Kevin Costner.

It was weird.

I'm pulling for Costner, personally.

Yeah, hello.

But with Charles Nelson Reilly's talent.

Put that phone down or I'll break your leg.

Mac Hollister called us, and he said he had the script.

Ted's grandmother luckily left him some money,

so getting the money together was actually pretty easy.

And it's so exciting.

We're casting our bread upon the water,

and it's going to come back 100-fold.

And hopefully not come back as soggy bread.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch any video online with Open-SUBTITLES Free Browser extension: osdb.link/ext

Andre and I just saw your last film.

Your clitoris is adorable. -Thanks.

Did-- do you know Tiki?

No, hi. Mac Hollister.

She is the mother of my third kid.

Oh, how wonderful.

-And fifth. -And fifth.

And fith.

I'm sorry.

Have you met your co-star?

Hi.

-Hey. -Hi.

-How about that, our two stars. -It's so--

-My hand's in my hair. -OK.

Got it, got it.

Hi Oliver.

How are you?

Good to see you. -Hi Gretchen.

Your necklace is so beautiful. It's--

Oh, hey.

-What's wrong? -Oh.

Don't touch it, or maybe look at it.

It's a synergy wave pendant.

Synergy.

It is so beautiful.

It was the anal beads of the first pope.

-That's what you told. -Really?

So that's what we think it was.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mac.

Oh.

Oh Mac, it's so good to see you.

-Hey. -Oh my gosh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh it's so good to see you. Jerry.

Jerry Sphincter. -Jerry, oh my God.

Jerry.

Bam, bam, somebody's been doing pilates.

-A little bit. -Yeah.

And the ball.

I do a lot of stuff on the ball.

Listen, have you-- have you seen Marty?

Is he coming today?

I haven't heard back from him. -Yeah.

Oh yeah.

He'll definitely be here.

He's definitely in though. You guys have--

Oh he's in.

OK.

Good.

We didn't talk today.

But sure, he's-- I think he's just busy with work.

Oh, OK. Sure.

Great to have that old Sphincter magic.

That's what I'm thinking.

Very exciting.

Listen, you might want to lose the beard though.

OK.

Love it. -The girls.

First gay scene, huh?

Mhm.

She got her asshole bleached special.

Fantastic.

It's an expensive process. Do you know--

Well just submit the receipt.

---what they do for that?

They spread and they go in there.

They go in there. I've never seen--

Have you ever had it done?

-Oh heck no. -No?

Heck no. I like it furry.

The whole range.

It's like, you know, like I have a whole skunk

sitting on my pelvis.

You know what I mean?

NARRATOR: Rounding out this remarkable cast

will be legendary dominatrix, Furious

Georgia, and world-renowned sissy, Carl Munson.

Thank you.

NARRATOR: Jake Storm, inventor of the grudge fudge

and the donkey punch.

Words.

Words are funny.

Hey.

All you bastards, I'm here.

So let's party.

NARRATOR: And of course, Roger Hogman, the loutish '80s porn

star and practical joker who was famous for leaving

sperm deposits in various foods for his coworkers to find.

Hey Roger, how you doing?

Hey, get lost, freak show.

Hey, how about you, huh?

Thank you all for coming and being a part

of this fantastic project.

It's really a labor of love. -It is, yes.

And if God made the universe and everything in six days,

then we can make this a Peevie Award

winning film in six to eight.

So let's go ahead, and let's shoot a big one for Mo.

For Mo!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Mo shot well over 2,511 films in his home

in the San Fernando Valley, which was affectionately

known as the Love Shack.

Man, if God wanted to create the perfect porno house,

this was it.

It has eight bedrooms, four hot tubs, three dungeons,

a classroom, a locker room, a Turkish prison, an Afghani

interrogation room, a pew room, a douche room, and enema room,

an operating room, a petting zoo,

and most importantly, Mo's spirit schmeared all over.

Family's always been very important to me, you know?

And I think I've created a family here at the Love Shack,

you know? I consider us all a family.

It's a different kind of family.

It's a family that has sex with each other,

and puts it on film.

OK, listen everybody.

AF Barnes gave us a great little script here.

And let's see what we can do with it.

Not everybody's here, but we're just going to have to go.

Interior, Bjorkland Manor, main salon, day.

The sound of thundering hoofsteps

builds, and constables Magnus Bjornson and Anika

Thornquist Bjornson storm in.

Ladies and gentlemen, calm down.

What's happening?

Silence.

And all will be explained. -The script?

Yeah, I know the script.

I saw the script when it was being passed around Hollywood

ten years ago, and it's a joke.

Want to hear the premise?

OK.

A bunch of Swedish aristocrats gather

at the end of the Second World War

to debate Sweden's neutrality. OK?

You hard yet?

There's been an [INAUDIBLE].

Everyone gasps.

That's right, a murder.

Secretary Blomquist is dead.

And everyone in this room is suspect.

-What? -Who?

What are you talking about?

Suspect.

And you, Ula, the Secretary's paramour,

cast asunder when he reconciled with his wife,

might it have been you?

It's true, I loved him.

-What the fuck is she doing? -OK, OK.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was playing Ula.

OK, well you thought wrong.

No, see, because?

We've been rehearsing for two weeks.

-Yeah, I-- -When there's Ula words--

That's her. ---I read them.

When there's other words that don't matter to me,

you read them.

Wait, wait, what the hell is going?

My client is playing Ula.

Oh, are you getting up?

First of all, this is blinking at me.

So I can't really-- -Whoa, guys, guys.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

The agents, sit down.

You're not playing Ula, we're playing Ula.

I'm sorry guys, where are you?

My client is playing Ula, all right?

We already had this covered in contractual meetings.

I'm sorry that you were not informed.

I always wanted to be an agent.

Now I'm my own shark in my own pool.

And it's salt water, baby.

You know what those are? Shark teeth.

We're walking. Come on, let's go.

Oliver, Oliver--

No, let's go.

---Oliver, Ollie!

Sit down.

OK.

This is so silly.

Whitney, you play Ula.

Because you're the star. -Thank you.

So you're Ula.

Elsa, got it.

That's all right.

Let's continue, please.

You have no right to detain us.

No, that's not your part.

You have to read Ula's part now.

It's true.

I loved him once, but now my love belongs to another.

Just then, Ula grabs Elsa and jackknifes

into a reverse cowgirl with a Sri Lankan half twist.

Lars enters, pees on Brigetta.

Then Elsa corkscrews into a slow motion Lassie

Come Home and roasts Sigvard's chestnuts

with an $8 Jiffy Lube.

That's going to be such a great scene.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you hear that?

Better question.

Do you feel that?

The French call it melange trois.

It's an angel passes over.

This is the moment.

I tend to get here a couple hours

early just so I can soak it in.

Have a cup of coffee, shine up the dildos, get my belt ready.

It's religious.

It's what we do.

I would say making love, the act of making love,

is probably as close as we get to touching God.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

Wow. Wow, that's great.

That's great. Hey, let's try something.

Are you familiar with the films of Ingmar Bergman?

-Yeah, of course. -Great.

Think Swedish too. Give me a little--

Swedish? ---Swedish thing.

[MOANING IN SWEDISH]

OK. So then I get down on my knees.

And I whip down my pants.

And I say oh Magnus, you're so big.

Slurp, spit, gag. -Oh yeah, baby.

Right there.

[MOANING IN UNISON]

Slurp, spit, gag.

OK baby, are you ready for the hot beef

inject-- I don't feel that's right.

I don't think I would ask.

Wait, what's the matter?

It's just that line.

It's like, if I'm such a great detective,

why would I ask you if you're ready for the hot beef

injection?

Why wouldn't I have seduced that?

OK. Are you kidding?

No.

Like, just let me try it.

Let me try it a different way.

You are now ready.

You are now-- you are ready-- you

are ready now for the hot-- you are now ready for the hot beef

injection. [MUSIC PLAYING]

Doug and Debbie were it.

We all wanted to be one or the other of them.

They were gorgeous, devoted, hot.

And they made it work, year in and year out.

Pretty-- it was pretty amazing.

Thank you guys so much for all the silver.

And although we said no gifts, we really-- well,

frankly, we appreciate it.

Oh absolutely.

We're definitely going to hang on to that silverware.

Maybe we'll even use it. I'm serious.

We're probably going to sell it.

Hey, it's hard for two porn stars have a relationship man.

I mean, your first date's in a fuck swing.

Where are you going to go but down, OK?

Off the top of my head I can think of three

relationships that worked.

In the '30s, Three Ball O'Brien and Dust Bowl Daisy Adams.

In the '60s, Tush Bushman and Urethra Franklin.

And in the '80s, Doug and Debbie Vanderspiegl.

And the jury's still out on them.

You are now ready for the hot beef injection.

You're kidding. You've got to be kidding.

You are-- are you ready now for the-- no, once again.

Are you ready--

Oh would you just say the fucking line?

-I am. -Just saying the fucking line.

I'm trying to say the line.

God I'm working on something here, OK?

You know, just because I'm forcing

you to have oral sex does not mean I'm not a real person.

Oh hi.

Marty Stevens please.

This is his brother Jerry calling again.

I just wanted to see if he was going to be-- OK, yeah,

I'll hold.

I feel blessed, you know?

I'm healthy, I'm young.

I don't want to brag, but you know,

I've got a pretty nice sized, you know, apartment.

And so when I look at Jerry, you know,

I mean it's been eight years since the incidence.

And he's still in so much pain.

I'm just praying Marty shows up.

Because Jerry needs it big time, you know?

It just kills me.

Jerry also needs a bath.

I used to write you all these letters.

Did you ever get them?

Um.

I was like your biggest fan.

And I got your headshot back with a little signature.

Oh. Wow.

You sound really lonely. -No, not at all.

I just-- well now that we're filming together,

I thought we could be like sisters or something.

Because we're going to get so close.

Oh. Yeah.

Maybe we could go for a waxing.

Oh.

Are you Greek?

You know, Whitney's a little bit different than I expected.

A little bit meaner.

And kind of anti-Greek, so-- but you know,

I'm not going to stoop to her level.

I'm just not.

Does it ever hurt your feelings that no one, you know,

wants to have sex with you from the front?

MO SALTZMAN: My great grandfather,

he made a feature in the-- it was 1897,

called Cousin Myrtle Blows a Kiss.

I was shown this movie at a very young age.

And I wanted to make my own movies.

And that's how I got the bug for it.

I was so inspired I hung a production still

from Cousin Myrtle on the wall of the Love Shack.

And I look at it for inspiration before every shoot.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Pretty girl pictures are stills that we use for the internet,

the DVD box covers, VHS box covers, merch.

It's probably one of my favorite parts of the job,

you know, try to catch the actresses

before they get all juicy.

Could you get closer?

I want this to say what, what, what.

What?

You are just one big mole, aren't you?

What, what what?

Can I see your butt?

Not yours.

Sweet. [MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm king of the world.

Hogman, can I actually have you get out this shot?

Ow.

Great. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Hogman!

Bang, bang, buddy.

Bang, bang, yeah.

Any cum on your vegetables?

Ned, take a break.

OK.

Because I'm not going to pay for that.

No, I am not going to pay you for pink flagstone

when I ordered grey flagstone.

Because I specifically remember ordering.

Oh, OK, that's the problem.

You answer to me from now on, all right?

You don't answer to Doug.

You answer to me, Debbie.

It all started two years ago.

We decided to do an addition to the house.

It was going to be really simple.

We were going to add an office, a home

office so people didn't have to go through our house

to consult with.

And then Doug got his hands on it.

I wanted to give her her own space.

I basically wanted to be like Winston Churchill

when he went to India.

I wanted to build her a Taj Mahal.

And then he came up with more ideas.

And then he came up with the idea of well,

if we have more clients, we need a bigger garage.

And why don't we make an octagonal garage?

So I tore it down and I put in eight sides.

Which is a bitch.

That was Jose Luis just right there.

That was Jose Luis.

He's taking over the job. -All right.

Wait. I have one question for you.

Come on.

And that is, why?

-Because you're inept, OK? -I'm adept?

That's a good thing. I'm adept.

No, inept. Not adept.

And then I got on this thing about not

using gasoline powered vehicles to move things.

And I hired some mules.

Then one of the mules died, which set me back.

Mules are very sensitive to the heat.

And I thought they always used them in the desert,

so I thought, you know, maybe they were like a camel.

But they're not like a camel.

A camel and a mule are entirely different things.

Point is, it became too much.

And I was overwhelmed.

The cost was skyrocketing.

We started fighting all the time,

because we didn't have the money.

So we're getting a divorce.

This movie's going to be our last experience together.

And that'll be that.

The heart is not a resilient muscle.

Or the heart is the most resilient muscle.

I guess we'll find out.

We're so glad to have you with us.

Oh I'm flattered.

It's like the old days, isn't it?

Absolutely.

It's a shame Mo's not here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi.

You're here.

Help me out.

Bud and Lynette?

They're more than inspirations.

They're like icons.

I want to get a piece of that.

Say again?

So I'm excited.

But it's tempered with the fact that I might have to throw up.

So-- [MOANING]

Bud yes.

Right there.

Your knees are grinding into my pacemaker.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[MOANING AND SCREAMING]

God.

[CRYING]

[APPLAUSE]

I still have chills.

It's like the adrenaline's still pumping through me.

Bud and Lynette.

Who would've thought, after 30 years apart.

We've got a picture here.

We've got a picture on our hands.

All right, let's go, let's go.

Do we have a picture on our hands.

Oh my God. -Break it down.

Let me call my mom.

It's unbelievable.

That Peevie is as good as ours.

I don't want to jinx it, but I can feel it.

I can feel it, you know?

Really made a mess of the place.

What I'm doing now is I'm going through

and I'm bagging and tagging.

That's industry jargon.

Basically anything used on a porn set

can be sold on the internet for mucho dinero.

Oh, we have a bogie.

Seen worn, Bud Hurley thong.

Oh dude, this'll get at least 2,000.

Are you kidding?

2,500.

Last night, when I said I went for a walk to clear my head?

Yes, my darling.

I was really with Ernst in the vestibule.

Secretary Blonquist?

I can explain.

Like hell you can, you insensitive whore.

Oh my God, is that Marty?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Jerry?

Jer, you look-- you look like a Jewish Bee-Gee.

You're here.

What's with your hair?

You know, I wasn't going to come to this thing.

But Jerry wrote me this letter-- it was pathetic-- about how

much he needed me.

And so I thought I'd come in and save him once again.

I mean, that's ostensibly why I'm here.

But Mo's Estate's going to have to be owned by somebody.

And I figured I'd get in on the ground floor,

if you know what I'm saying.

Good to see you.

My brother Marty's here!

What's with the hair?

There's a very short list of cultural and historical events

that have such impact, such resonance throughout society,

that everybody remembers exactly where they were when they

first heard about that event.

And I think that right up on that list

would be November 22nd, 1999, on the set

of a Rock and a Hard Place.

All we really know is that in a routine double penetration

scene, Jerry and Marty Sphincter accidentally touched tips.

This was a maneuver that they'd done before.

They'd done it 100 times, 1,000 times, maybe a million times.

Nothing had ever happened.

And that collision was later the subject

of a documentary, Six Seconds in Reseda, an American Tragedy.

NARRATOR: To the naked eye, the scene

appears to go off flawlessly.

But slow the footage down, and the images

tell quite a different story.

Frame 75, Jerry and Marty begin performing

the standard double pork roast, with Jerry assuming position

two, of the classic cowgirl poses, while Marty punishes

La Cienagas anus from behind.

Frame 123, Marty instigates the signature handshake.

Jerry counters with a move that made him

famous, the bunny ears.

Frame 228, La Cienaga moves to unleash

her massive dirty pillows, setting off

a disastrous chain of events.

Frame 273, Mary leans 45 degrees to his right

and thrusts just as Frame 291, Jerry thrusts

back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Frame 301.

Oh dear God.

NARRATOR: Impact.

[UNINTELLIGIBLE MOANING]

Help me.

It affected me deeply because we had just

lost a really wonderful presence in the adult entertainment

industry, you know?

Lots of people can screw on camera.

But very few people can make it sing,

and really just have a smooth, easy flow, it seems natural,

it seems very free.

You know, it's like Yo-Yo Ma versus the next guy

who plays cello.

I mean these guys were good.

I remember exactly where I was when the brothers touched tips.

I was doing a karaoke, a regional championship round,

in Dickinson, North Dakota.

I was doing a Johnny Cash set.

And it threw me off, threw me off my game,

when I heard about that.

I actually came in sixth out of seven contests.

You know, people say I'm shallow.

I've been through shit in my life.

I've been through heavy shit.

When I was eight years old I was diagnosed

with a rare immune deficiency syndrome, OK?

I spent the next eight years in a plastic bubble,

no human contact.

Cut to my 17th birthday, turns out I was misdiagnosed.

I was just allergic to shellfish.

So that was a pisser.

But the only day I ever cried was

the day I heard the Sphincter brothers touched tips.

I don't remember a lot of what happened right after.

I think I had some sort of break.

Some sort of psychotic episode. I floated.

I was in a fugue sort of mist.

But finally I found myself in a cult, the Order of Pegasus.

And it was very intense for me.

And I found a family in those people.

And we had created a suicide pact.

And unfortunately that morning I had a flat tire on my bike.

So I missed that event.

But it was there that I discovered

the six stages of grief.

You know, you start off with complete denial.

It never happened.

And then the rage comes, number two.

Number three is the bargaining, which

I didn't really understand.

It was very confusing to me.

So I went up to four for a while, which is depression.

But who wants to be depressed?

So I went back to one for a little while and just denied.

And then I doubled down, had to hit two again.

Jumped up to five, which is accepting, which I'm

sort of trying to embrace now.

And of course banjo, the last.

Marty's obviously stuck in one, with a little bit of two

and just a dash of four.

But I think he'll come around if he-- I think he's

coming around.

Rock and a Hard Place.

Rock and a Hard Place.

No, don't remember it. Sorry.

Who was in that?

And move that please.

This is the scene where they've come to the Jacuzzi

to celebrate.

This is kind of a big, big moment for us in the picture.

And I know that these two are going

to deliver a hot scene for us.

Let me find my center.

Everyone keeps asking, is it going to be weird to have sex

with someone you're divorcing? -I'm beautiful.

And I have a secret.

And I gotta say no.

It's not weird at all. Right?

Oh no, no, no. Absolutely.

100% normal.

Well look.

In this industry you get paid to have sex.

So sometimes you have to have sex with someone you

can barely stand to look at. -Right.

Or someone you find totally repugnant,

both morally and physically.

And action.

I was thinking that maybe we could celebrate.

Ah.

We're on the same page.

Ow!

What?

Nothing.

Why don't we-- fuck.

Oh, are you trying to hit my hat?

No, I'm not trying to hit your hat.

If I wanted to hit your hat I would do this.

Hey. Oh great.

Now I'm not in character.

[HALFHEARTED MOANING]

Are you kidding me?

What?

It's hard.

It's not hard, that's the point.

I'm having shrinkage issues.

-Do you need a little-- -No, I'm good.

Do you need a little tweak or something down there?

-Oh my God. -Can you help him out ?

-Yeah, all right. -Can we get this thing going?

That was good by the way.

I thought maybe now we could celebrate.

Mm.

Well hip, hip, hooray.

Ow. Ow.

What are-- -What?

What are you trying to do, drown me?

-What? -Goddammit.

I'm trying to get some glamour.

[SCREAMING]

So you're married, huh?

Yeah, she's amazing.

I'm sorry I couldn't invite you to the wedding.

But it was a small affair, just like 400

people at the Bel Air Hotel.

It was great.

Are you guys thinking about kids?

Actually we have a kid.

-You have a child? -Yeah.

Beautiful girl. Her name is Leila.

You-- I have a niece named Leila.

Yeah.

Oh, I should tell her about you.

Jerry's ass is a good ass.

It's just very hairy.

So it has to be dealt with by me.

Oh sweet Jesus.

It needs the special clippers.

Stasha, we need the 517 immediately.

It's a different kind of blade that they use for horses.

What about you? What have you been up to?

-OK. -I'm doing great.

I found out-- easy there.

-There you go. -Easy Kitty.

Spread them a little bit.

I found a buyer for my kidney, so I'm working out that deal.

No mom.

I'm not bringing anyone home for Yom Kippur.

Because it's not a festive holiday, that's why.

Ma, people don't even eat.

You know, well I find it depressing.

Can I talk to dad about this please?

You know what?

I'm sorry, I've got to call you back.

-Gretchen, my-- -What?

What? -My synergy wave pendant.

My synergy wave pendant's gone. -Your pendant?

It's gone. It's gone.

Where did you leave it?

Where did you put it?

The last time I had it I was wearing it.

And that zip-a-dee-doo-dah was looking at it.

And she--

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Hallie?

-Yes. -Oh wait, is she--

-She had-- -I can't randomly accuse--

She stole it. ---someone.

She stole it. It's not random.

It's not random.

Are you sure, because if you're not sure--

Gretchen I'm so sure.

There are two things that I am more

sure of than anything else.

OK, what?

One is, you are going to find a man.

And the second thing is, Hallie Lujah took my pendant.

And I need it back.

I'll take care of it.

So I'm like, you've got your schnitzel in my strudel.

-I love your accent. -Yeah.

-It's fantastic. -OK.

So I'll come in to this.

So you're down first?

You come on top of me.

OK, so I'm in the back, right?

-This is our specialty. -Awesome.

OK.

And then I'm going like this.

I get under, right?

-You come in here somewhere. -I've got it.

Let me just get under. -This is great.

-OK, so-- -Ow.

Oh, you know what? Hold on.

One second. -Wait just a second.

-Hold on. -Hey.

-Hey. -You OK?

-Yeah. -This is going to work well.

-OK, so then-- -Can you just give me a minute?

One second. I'll be right back.

No, no.

All right.

We're just going to stay on sticks for this.

Hollister, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah Marty. What is it?

I can't shoot today.

Well I need you today.

-Why can't you shoot today? -It's Shabbos.

Shabbos? Marty it's Tuesday.

This whole Marty things really freaking me out man.

It's like he's so in denial that he can't even

admit the whole thing happened.

He has no recollection of it.

It's like OJ Simpson, you know?

I watched an interview with him.

And it's like, he can't even remember

he ever even played football.

What kind of toothpaste do you use?

Crest.

Have you ever shaved all your body hair?

Yes, I have.

When I first meet the actor, I do like to take a history.

I'll make notes.

I have questionnaires, you know, are

your parents married, divorced.

If they were spanked as children.

Great. Fantastic.

Because it makes my job so much easier.

Have you ever played hangman?

Yes, I have.

Guess a letter.

-G. -Nope.

OK.

This is one of my favorite scenes, Whitney.

This is where we establish Ula as this

really sensuous being through her baking the lingonberry pie.

You've made a pie crust before?

Ollie, Ollie!

This is lost!

Whitney!

That is outrageous, what you've done.

Hey, hey, what is outrageous?

You put superglue in our mascara.

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon.

Why would she put superglue in her mascara?

Whitney, why would you put superglue in my mascara?

I didn't.

She wouldn't put superglue in your mascara.

But if I did, maybe it was to get back at you

for stealing my synergy wave pendant.

But I didn't put superglue in, what is it?

Listen, we gave you Ula.

That's enough.

Well maybe you put superglue in your own mascara.

Get the on set medic.

It's burning, it's burning.

It's OK.

We're going to the emergency room.

Come on.

I'm extremely disappointed.

And I don't mind telling you. -Really?

I thought it worked great.

Anyway, back to the scene.

Did you--

The whole pie-- listen-- the pie, the pie, the pie baking

thing with the, with the--

NARRATOR: In the 1980's, no porn director enjoyed more success

than Mac Hollister.

He was the industry's golden boy, the Spielberg of smut.

The Lucas of the lube.

But then he made a crucial error in judgment.

In 1988 Hollister directed Fondling Fathers,

a 12 hour gay porn set at the Constitutional Convention.

And outside of a few pleasantly surprised

constitutional scholars and a closet Federalist, no one

went to see it.

Fondling Fathers collapsed like no movie

has ever collapsed, OK?

It cost $500,000 and grossed a buck and a half.

And he went into a major depression, OK?

He did not pass go.

He did not collect $200.

He went home and he started eating.

After a month he gained 10 pounds.

After a year he was up to 563 pounds.

I mean, who's going to hire the guy?

I don't know what he's been doing for work.

Action.

No one on the Hillside Heaters could believe their eyes.

Spencer, a right handed hitter who wore the number six,

was paralyzed from the waist down.

But as he rolled his wheelchair into the batter's box--

Cut!

That's the worst reading I've ever heard.

What the fuck was that?

[CAR ENGINE]

He says he's been directing commercials and Europe

for the last 10 years?

Yeah, he's been in his mom's garage for the last 10 years,

on an allowance.

Who the fuck is that?

It's just me, mom.

Where the fuck you been?

I've been working mom, go back to bed.

You get my fucking box out?

I mean, I feel for him.

You can take a guy like that, try

to marshall that kind of cast, with that kind of baggage,

he doesn't stand a chance.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mo never had conflicts on his sets.

He didn't believe in that.

I mean, Mo's philosophy was, it takes a village to make a porn.

He had people in the Love Shack who

had great big hearts, who had immense amounts of tolerance.

And that collaboration worked.

Every important innovation in pornography,

with the exception of the delivery boy and the face shot,

came from Mo Saltzman.

NARRATOR: In the late '60s, Mo merged

pornography and poetry into an experimental genre

called pornetry.

I am fear.

I am unwell.

I'm a roasted peanut.

I am my own orgasm.

NARRATOR: And in 1979 he produced

Phallus in Wonderland, the world's first computer

generated porntoon.

What's my name?

Steve.

Say my name, bitch.

Steve.

Louder.

Steve.

33.

Didn't we shoot 33 last night?

Oh, yeah, 90% of it.

There are just a couple hiccups. -OK.

Yeah.

And what about 45?

Pick ups, a couple inserts.

And 50?

Inserts.

Mac, I've got to be honest.

The rest of the sheet looks like a xerox

of yesterday's call sheet.

We didn't get everything yesterday.

We got 90% of it. All the exposition and dialogue.

Well what did we not get?

Maybe we don't need it. -Everything.

Great. Then what are we missing?

The sex.

The sex?

Yeah, just a little of the sex.

What the fuck are people going to be watching?

People are not coming to a porno for its snappy dialogue.

Yeah, no.

That's why Meryl Streep doesn't do porno.

We've got the best of the best coming up.

Whitney and Hallie, Spinchter Brothers.

-Yeah? -Jake Storm.

Are they going to fuck? Or are they just going to talk?

Yeah, yeah they're going to fuck.

Not fucking talking, fucking.

You're going to hear, you're practically going to smell it.

Who's your guy.

-You're my guy. -I'm your guy.

You guy's not going to let you down.

It would be so sad if something happened to my guy, right?

Yeah. Nothing's going to happen.

-Be my guy. -I'm your guy.

Yeah.

And action.

Ladies it's official.

Secretary Blomquist is officially dead.

No, not dead.

Hands down the biggest asshole I ever met?

Jake Storm, OK?

Asshole.

A lot of different porn stars are-- they're more oh, or uh,

or darling, it's all about you.

I'm not like that.

I'm more like huh? Yeah?

You want some? Because I've got more.

Are you sure?

I was with him for 90 minutes.

Did you check your stethoscope?

I did. Twice.

You know, it's funny.

They say that the best way to get over tragedy

is to do something that makes you happy.

Oh, I know.

Let's do something that you're in love

with, something that you want to spend the rest of your life

with.

Something that you don't--

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on. [SCREAMING]

No, no, no, girls, girls.

Knock it off, for God's sake.

Come on, we've got to-- no, no, no, no!

Not the wig, it's a rental!

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Shut up.

Goddammit. [MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you know what type of underwear your mother wore?

She always wore one size above what she needed,

just to have that little extra.

-What about in azure? -OK, forget it.

You know what?

This is it.

Not happening.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh that's great.

That's really cute. -Hot, right?

He's hot, too. Yeah.

-See? -Good.

Let's see one of the other ones.

-How about Halle and Whitney? -Yeah.

Show me the girls.

That's it.

That's it for Bud and Lynette.

Show me-- show another one. A whole other one.

Yeah. What about Doug and Debbie?

This is all we've got.

Mac?

Oh my God.

Andre.

It's going to come together.

We've got a lot of the dialogue still to shoot.

You've been coming home every night

and telling me everything's great.

It is great.

Oh I knew you were cleaning the stupid garage for a reason.

Goddammit.

Look, I wanted to spare you, because I know how emotional--

You've got beautiful women, you've got guys

who've been doing this forever.

Put 'em on a set and let them bump vaginas

and get a fucking movie together.

Jesus.

We got-- we got most of the dialogue stuff.

You are not my fucking guy.

You are not my fucking guy.

When you're cutting a film like this,

it's like you go to one of those all you can eat buffets.

Way to go, Mitch.

And as the editor, you pick and choose what looks good.

And you put it together into a potentially beautiful meal.

And all we've got now is like a side of coleslaw.

You know what?

We had a rough couple of days.

So I decided to shake things up a little bit.

I called our leads, told them to take the morning off,

and get your shit together.

I'm really glad our scene got pushed back, because I'm

still in a lot of pain.

And my depth perception's way off.

So it's really hard to get around set and everything.

Well it took a little finessing,

but I moved some things around.

I scheduled a scene with Furious George and Carl Munson,

masters of sado-hygienic cinema.

-I feel waxy. -Take it.

I'm still dirty.

What do you have?

Gingivitis.

I can't hear you.

Gingivitis!

These guys are total pros.

We can't mess with these.

We'll get a couple easy scenes under our belt,

we'll be back in business.

And action.

Did you, or did you not bake the lingonberry pie?

No.

Liar.

Did you, or did you not know that the Secretary Blomquist

was allergic to lingonberries.

-I didn't know. -Liar.

You're a very weak little man, are you not?

Say it.

I'm a weak little man.

I'm a mouse.

I'm a mouse.

Liar!

I'm sorry, that's not any good.

This fucking sucks.

We're still rolling.

All right, we're going.

From the top.

Jesus, right?

Liar!

Like that?

I spoke with one of my guys down at the Center

for Advanced Menopausal studies, and here's what he says we can

expect out of Furious Georgia.

Mood swings, irritability, fatigue,

memory loss, depression, hot flashes, decreased libido, OK?

Vaginal dryness, and incontinence.

Now if that doesn't say porn star, I don't know what does.

Did you, or did you not, bake the lingonberry pie

that killed the Secretary Blomquist?

I did not.

Liar.

You're almost making me feel as badly about myself as you do.

Fuck me.

I can't do it.

I mean I'm fucking menopausal.

I didn't have to do this when I was menopausal.

Do you need some sugar? Do you need a diaper?

I don't need sugar Hollister, I need hormones.

It was pretty bad.

We saw one of the great ones go down today.

You know, really.

Truly one of the great ones.

It rocks me.

It shakes me.

[DOG BARKING]

All right. OK, OK, OK, OK.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck these fuckers who are fucking me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the moment I've been waiting for for eight years.

Yeah. Right.

All right. I'll see you out there.

It's finally here, me and Marty back in the saddle.

It's beautiful.

OK, you guys, you want to take positions?

-Yeah, we do. -Marty, in the middle please.

Yeah, OK Marty, you take your spot in the middle.

Jerry, you're right over his right shoulder.

LaCienaga, take your one please, right here.

Beautiful. Ready.

Roll camera. OK.

Ready. And action.

You!

You slept with Senator Blomquist in the study.

How could you do that to me?

Niels, you need to get over it.

Because you need-- we need to focus on getting an alibi.

I've been cuckolded by a new [INAUDIBLE].

Dammit Niels, you're drunk again.

Regita's right.

Constable Bjornson's forces are coming

at us from the north wing.

The Swedish National Guard?

They're coming at us from the south.

It's only a matter of time before the tips of those two

forces touch, and--

All right, hold it. Hold it.

Keep rolling, keep rolling.

The slow thing's not really working for me.

Establish the forces, the forces, boom!

And the pounding action.

They pound down, pounding.

Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound.

It's the violence of the smashing of the tips.

We want to see the jackhammer.

The tension comes from the violence.

-Collide. -Collide, collide!

Yeah.

But the tips have to--

Smash.

Pound, pound, pound, pound.

Oh dear God.

Yes, yes, the jackhammer.

Marty, Marty wait a minute.

We're just working the scene here a little bit.

Marty?

Get the fuck in here.

-What was that out there? -What?

We're shooting a scene.

Sometimes things get a little hairy.

A little hairy?

That was like chaos out there. -Well--

The deadline for the Peevies is in two days.

That's the whole point of this.

I can shoot this in one day. We got two days?

Great. No problem.

Listen, you don't understand how desperate I am, OK?

Listen. -Look, no--

I'm playing with Ted's money here.

And if Ted's money goes away, Ted's going to get bitchy.

And if Ted gets bitchy, then I get bitchy.

And if I get bitchy, trouble ensues.

You get me?

I get you, I get you.

I'll get it, I'll get it Andre.

You better get it.

Because you know what?

If I wanted to get fucked in the ass, I'd go home.

Well I had a really productive meeting with Andre last night.

We addressed some concerns that we were both having.

And I've made some calls, I've taken some measures.

Everything's going to be, you know, right on track.

Huh. Yeah, that's really good.

Essentially I'm a diva doctor.

I am brought in to sets to different locations

all around the world.

And I help everybody solve problems.

So when I leave, people can skip hand-in-hand.

Do you remember when you used to fight in grade school,

and the teacher would make you hold hands with your friend,

and say, sing the friendship song?

(SINGING) Make new friends, but keep the old,

one is silver and the other's gold.

I can't hit the high note, but I think you know what I mean.

That's kind of what I do.

I don't do the song.

But the song's really in here.

Hey everybody.

My name's Kat Waters.

I'm thrilled to be here.

I was called upon by your director

to be an on set negotiator.

Let's clear the air here.

I'm going to start a phrase, and you're going to complete it.

I feel things went wrong when--

I feel things went wrong when Hallie showed up.

We're not going to point fingers yet, OK?

Because when you point one finger,

there's three pointing back at you,

and a big old thumb that's probably

been in someone's tush, pointing right back at you.

I felt things went wrong when I can't open my eye right now.

We're going to do a little thing called leaving the crying

to the audition room.

You know we're all adults here.

And we just need to talk, because little babies cry.

Oh, oh point Kat Water.

We really need to be adults here.

She's good.

She's very good.

Kat Waters?

I saw myself in her.

And I saw herself on me. You know?

I just saw the two of us connecting, you know?

Like two women who know exactly what they want.

You know?

Who know how to go at it and get it done.

That's right.

Woman to woman, mano a mano, womano a womano.

Mano a mano, oh ponytail lady in a suit.

I like your style.

I love it.

Cheers to a working lady with a ponytail.

Right on.

I'm done.

That's my water.

That's my water.

OK.

Gretchen, you want to go ahead and start with your demands?

Yeah, I do. OK.

The specific demands that we are making

all pertain to a health issue, and a safety

issue on behalf of my client.

She is allergic to glitter, peroxide, the lipstick

that she uses, pigtails, unwashed pubic hair,

and baby powder.

Not to mention the fact that Halle

has one nipple the size of a yarmulke,

the other one is an acorn cap.

That's just disorienting.

We can't work with that.

That is outrageous.

I will not do with that kind of attitude.

Excuse me.

These are her demands.

You're not effective when you yell, dad.

I'm not comfortable with the unwashed pubic hair.

We wash every single pubic hair singularly, every day.

OK.

I've heard this happening before.

When girls have that weird unwashed smell,

it's actually an excess of melon.

So if you could stop with your honeydew honey,

I think things will be smelling pretty nice down south.

Oh she is good.

She is good.

So we're OK with that?

-I won't eat melon. -OK.

She won't eat melon.

As far as the nipples go, could we fill in the small one

with a rouge or a blush? -Something.

Something that won't come off in a hand once it's pinched.

Because I see it, and then I'm like, where I am?

I can't have that. She could fall.

I could fall over.

You're sensing that her nipples are like the size of an acorn,

but you want more of a bagel bite?

Yes.

I think we can work this out in make up.

Are you all right with having a little rouge, maybe

a little lip liner, something to spread out our areola more

like a little pizza.

Is that OK?

Yes.

OK.

I'm hearing that we've kind of wrapped

this up pretty beautifully.

I mean, I think we can put a kiss on this stamp

and put it in the mail.

Can we put this letter in the mail?

Send it to me.

Everybody thinks I'm having some emotional reaction

to something. I'm fine.

It's this production.

I mean, this thing is not a tight ship.

It's being run like a freaking high school

production of Pippen.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey Marty, can I borrow you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Cool, thanks.

It's probably another wardrobe fitting.

Yeah?

Come on in, Marty.

My wardrobe's fine.

Hey Marty.

Hey.

We love you, you know that, right?

Sure.

I have a fondness for you.

What's up?

We care about you.

And we feel that you have a problem

that we need to discuss.

What are you talking about?

Jerry, what's he talking about?

This is an intervention.

You're having an-- you're having an intervention.

Why Jerry?

Why are we having an intervention today?

Marty, I'm your brother.

I love you.

Eight years ago, Rock and a Hard Place.

LaCienaga was there, Hollister.

We were doing a scene.

Something went wrong, terribly wrong.

What are you talking about?

You guys touched weiners.

I got it.

Marty, we touched tips.

Let's face it.

We touched tips.

How-- how do you know-- how do you know we touched tips?

I heard it.

You heard it?

I heard it.

I don't know.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You can't run from it, Marty.

Believe me, everyone knows.

It's on the internet.

Not helpful.

All right.

All right, fine.

So what? So what?

So what if we did touch tips? So what?

What's the big deal?

That has to mean something?

I lost my brother over it.

Well it's not my fault that your life is shit,

and mine is fantastic.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault that you're playing

the banjo on Venice Boulevard, and I'm making

multimillion dollar deals.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

Well it's partially his fault.

It's not his fault.

It's not my fault.

There were two penises there that day.

It's not my fault that we don't play catch anymore.

It's not my fault. I'm not responsible

for this relationship anymore.

It's not my fault.

Talk to me.

It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault that we touched tips.

We touched tips.

We did it.

We touched tips.

We touched tips.

And we enjoyed it.

OK, well.

What?

We enjoyed it.

I didn't enjoy it.

That's disgusting.

Marty.

Stay in the room, Marty.

Marty.

Did you really enjoy it?

Wow.

They enjoyed it.

That's a little creepy, don't you think?

Well, those Jews.

Why am I in charge of the keys?

It doesn't seem like I would be the guy who would be selected

to be in charge of the keys.

Because you were driving.

Were you in this room? -I don't know.

I just really want to get out of here.

Where did you leave them?

I handed them to you. -I know.

You gave them to me.

I had them in my hand.

And then I-- I remember I put them--

Put them where?

I don't think they're in this room.

I don't feel-- -Feel?

Have you looked?

No, I don't have to look.

I just feel them.

See if they're in the room.

So let's just--

Do you remember this room?

---get another way home. No.

I don't.

It smells like Chinese food.

This was the room we shot Deep Dish.

Deep Dish?

-Yeah. -No.

You think? -Yeah.

This was definitely Deep Dish.

Wow.

This really smells like cats in here.

I don't know what that--

Do you remember this?

You know, I have to get back for water practice.

But I could spare a few minutes. -Nice.

You were the one that wanted the sausage and pepperoni.

You must be a meat lover.

[MOANING]

Yeah, I remember that.

You do?

Mhm.

We deliver in 30 minutes or less.

I remember.

You do deliver.

You delivered that day.

Oh that one day, yeah.

And the day after.

You were so amazing to me. -Yeah?

Yeah.

You totally calmed me down.

Because I was so nervous.

And I was completely broken out in hives.

You know how nervous I was.

And you massaged me.

And you have this whole little patter,

this whole little story--

The healing hands.

Healing hands.

You know, you've always been really sweet to me.

You're a really good man.

You're not too bad yourself.

Should we try to find the keys?

I know where the keys are.

Where?

I locked them in the car.

[LAUGHTER]

[SEXUAL GRUNTING]

And cut. All right guys.

Guys, this is beautiful stuff.

This is gorgeous stuff.

We're just going to rest some lights.

Just stay locked down.

All right, thanks.

Still there, still there.

Oh my God, I'll never want to leave.

It's like a hand in a glove.

Oh, or a mitten.

So I was thinking maybe we could

do something this weekend. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Like maybe go for a hike. -Sure.

-Yeah? -That would be awesome.

You know what? No, wait.

The tiler is coming.

No, I can't do that.

Whatever.

No, I mean--

Why don't you go on a hike with your tiler?

---we just have to finish it up.

-Oh stop. -No, seriously.

Go on a hike with your tiler.

That's an insane thing to say.

What?

It's an insane thing to say.

I'm going to run off with the tiler?

Everybody's having their little problems.

It's OK.

I can bring them back together.

I'm a problem solver. -Get off me.

I'm done. -Hang on a second.

It's just going to take a second.

I need to leave.

No, wait, wait, wait, what's happening?

-Let her go. -What's happening?

What do you need? -Let her go.

What do you need? What do you need?

What do you need? Some water, or--

I'm done.

I'm just completely fucking done.

Done? Do you need just a break?

Five minutes? -You know what?

Let's get somebody else in here.

I gotta have this today.

Debbie! -Doug!

-We were so close. -Doug!

Debbie, you do not just whistle and I come.

Doug!

-What? -Come.

All right.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, OK, look, I admit it.

We got nothing.

You know, we've got absolutely fucking nothing.

But you know what?

We've still got Halle and Whitney.

And they're our leads.

And that's what's going to sell the movie.

I can sell the whole movie on their scene alone.

It's going to be hot.

It's going to be hot, believe me.

And trust me, they're ready to go.

Ned and I'm going to need more blush for the baby nipple.

Oh I'm ready for my scene.

I'm so ready.

Agents, if you could clear the set.

Glamour squad, lay off please.

All right, looks lovely.

You know what you're doing?

OK, great.

Let's roll sound.

Rolling.

Roll camera.

Speeding.

And action.

Ula darling, Ula?

Ula!

Come here.

Have a look at me.

Aye, miss.

You look radiant.

Like a delicate little flower.

It is no wonder Lars has taken a liking to you.

Ula darling, you know you can never be with Lars.

You are a common house frau, nearly twice his age.

Aye, miss.

Tis true.

Oh, your patch.

Allow me.

That's better.

Good.

Then we'll have no more of that.

Well, let's see what we have here.

Oh, my my, what a lot of lingonberries.

Just what the recipe calls for.

Fancy a taste?

You know I don't snack before meals.

I wasn't talking about the pie.

Neither was I.

-Whore. -Bitch.

Skank.

Hag.

Oh, that is it!

Ula angry.

You're going down, Captain Hook, and not the way

you're used to going down.

Bring it on!

I'm going to cut your pretty face like I'd

cut it on the street, lady.

I'm not afraid of you.

Oh really?

Because I'm going to cut you.

Whoa wait.

You are going down!

You are going down!

You're nuts, you are!

That crazy bitch pointed a shoe at me.

-I saw. -Come on, let's go.

We quit. That's it.

Goodbye. -You can't quit.

You're under contract.

Oh really? You know this sign?

I'll give it to you again.

Come on, let's go.

Amateurs.

This is out of control.

You have lost control of this set.

This movie is done.

I'm pulling the plug. -We don't need her.

We can work with just Whitney.

This movie is no more.

Mac, you're done. -She's hot.

She's sweaty. We'll make this happen.

It's done. Go.

-Andre, Andre! -Go.

Go! -Andre.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's not the end of the world for me.

But it was a-- it would have been nice for these folks

to have one last go around.

I thought this would be a great opportunity

to see the old gang, and to pay tribute to Mo.

We came close.

I think we came close.

We were almost there.

I don't know, maybe Mo could have pulled it off.

It didn't work out the way we thought it would.

It didn't come together, you know?

But a work of art is never finished.

You are so full of shit.

That's two.

That's stage two.

He's working through it.

You're pathetic.

I thought this would be good to kind of rekindle things,

re-- see each other in a different light.

But I guess only I saw it that way.

I can't believe they let it come to this.

It's so stupid.

I mean, the worst part is, if you needed an actor,

why didn't you just use me?

I'm right here, dammit.

Are you blind?

You're an idiot.

Back to one.

I hate you.

That's one and four.

That's nice. -You're an idiot.

-I know it's painful. -You're an idiot.

That's four.

I know it's painful.

Is it?

That's four, by the way.

He went back to two that time.

I wanted this experience to be something beautiful.

I wanted it to be two women, you know,

having that lesbian experience.

And it just wasn't going to work.

Whitney and lesbians, uh, uh, uh, they don't work.

They don't work.

You know who else doesn't work?

My maid.

She is so fucking lazy.

I'll take a week in the south of France

and field some offers, and get back to it.

A couple commercials waiting for me back there.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MO SALTZMAN: Love is a very powerful thing.

It transcends time.

You can always find love again.

It makes, you know, the old young again,

and the young wise.

I think people go away from love,

and then they come back to love, you know?

And that's where they're the happiest,

when they find the love again.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I want to thank you all for coming back.

Listen, I've got something to say.

I can't do this anymore.

It's a lie.

It's all a lie.

I haven't been working in Europe.

I've never even been to Europe.

Ever since Fondling Fathers I've been

living in my mother's garage.

And I've been directing books on tape.

But the biggest lie is that there isn't a steamer trunk.

Mo didn't leave a script, or a cast list, or anything.

I just wanted to make another movie.

And for a little while there, it felt like family again.

And that's the greatest feeling in the world.

Now I haven't been true to myself, or to you.

I don't think that you have been true to yourselves, either.

Debbie and Doug, my God, your marriage was an inspiration.

Everybody in the business-- I looked

for that kind of relationship my whole life, and never found it.

You can't let the color of carpet

destroy what you two have.

Jerry, what happened to you man?

Where'd you go?

What happened to that happy go lucky kid from Jew Sandwich?

Marty, you've just become an asshole.

You were the best.

You were the best because you were brothers.

And you loved each other.

You touched tips.

It happens.

You guys got to get over it.

This is Mo's Bolex.

This is the camera that he shot Cock-A-Coodle-Don't on.

Hey, That's Not Fondue came out of this camera.

We can do the same thing.

We can come together.

We can find the love.

We can find the family.

We can take this camera.

Esteban's got a bunch of short ends we can put together.

We'll just shoot this thing old school, like Mo did.

We go out, we set up a scene, everybody at once making love.

Not just having sex, making love.

We do it old school.

No sets, no lights, no props, just the

love we have for each other.

No one's seen a film like that in a long time.

In a long time.

Now who's with me?

Who's with me?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, Esteban, you set?

Yeah, we're ready.

Roll camera.

Speeding.

Ready, and Hogman!

In the end, Hollister did make his deadline.

And Dial M was nominated for a Best Picture Peevie.

Unfortunately it lost to Dr. Stinklove

or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love

the Bum, which starred Halle Lujah

in her first anal release.

But even though it didn't win an award or get any recognition,

I do feel that the picture did exactly what

Mo would have wanted it to do.

For millions of porn fans, it gave

them something to-- something to masturbate to

for years to come.

Now.

Find your target.

All right.

What does she do that disrespects you?

You don't even have to say anything.

I just want that visual image-- -Oh, I see it now.

Hit the nail. -Use that visual image.

-Put in the nail. -Put in the nail.

Well I'll tell you what, what's exciting and wonderful

right now.

We've created this new company called Erect and Connect.

We're really working on remodeling

people's homes, which is where we found frcition.

Mhm.

And, well--

Remodeling their lives.

I don't want to lose a nail.

Honey, do you want to lose your marriage?

Do you see my nails?

Have you seen your marriage?

Love and honor.

It's the teamwork.

Oh honey, hold this. OK.

I'll be there. I'll support you.

And then they support the beam, and the husband or the wife

hammers the nail.

And there's the sawing.

And then there's screwing.

And then there's screwing.

After Dial M's release, Mac Hollister

was immediately catapulted back onto the A-list.

Glen, I wanted teal.

And he signed several international endorsement

deals.

My urban sprawl.

My mini mall.

My giant balls.

My home is in the valley.

My cigar is El Guapo.

Could you sign your nads for me?

Yeah. You want to write on the balls?

I feel like I've been blessed this past year.

The film we're working on next is titled Special Ned.

And it's about a mentally handicapped high school

student who vows to lose his virginity

before the end of the summer.

And as you know, handicapped kids have a hard time

getting laid in real life.

Through this film we hope to inspire other handicapped kids

to go out there and try it.

Safe, not rape.

Whose idea was that?

That's gross.

Not to get retarded kids out raping people,

but to inspire them to live normal lives.

What the fuck is this?

But no one benefited more from the experience

than Kat Waters and Gretchen Becky.

A week after the film wrapped, they

were married at the Love Shack.

-I just came. -Too loud.

-Hi. -Too loud.

Hey, too loud.

We don't actually do the Ferber method.

We don't them-- we don't let her cry it out.

But what we do is, it's a shrieking technique.

Watch this.

[SHRIEKING]

Calms them right down.

I don't think that you can't overstate

the importance of the Sphincter Brother's reconciliation.

But sadly, the story doesn't end there.

During the Dial M orgy, Jerry accidentally entered

Marty's anus for eight seconds.

Oh, whoa whoa.

How would I like to be remembered?

I think I've created a lot of love, you know?

Through the relationships I've created, you know?

I've brought some fantastic people

together who have fallen in love,

and created love, and made love.

And they spread their love.

To be the acorn of so much love is such a wonderful legacy.

And I think that's a beautiful way to be remembered,

as the acorn of love.

Or with a plaque.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm