Original subtitles

Here's the thing, Papadakis.

If I squint at you from a distance, I can almost see a soldier.

But what I'm wondering right now is, what are you dressed like?

Do you be more specific, sir?

A little hike.

Like Shrek.

Now, I bought this costume at a Halloween store.

This is Angry Green Swamp Poker.

Colonel, the troops have chosen to watch Shrek for the 17th straight movie night.

I am dressed as an Angry Green Swamp Poker.

Now, if someone were to dress as shrek, maybe they would do so because the film is

a cultural touchstone for an entire generation.

Get your feet off my desk.

Officially, as of now, Major, Shrek is banned on this base.

Confirm, sir.

Fine.

Guess we can watch Shrek, too.

Shrek, too is banned.

Shrek, three, banned.

What?

Is there a Shrek, four?

Because it's banned.

Forever after.

What?

Shrek, four.

It's called Shrek forever after.

Well, not on this base.

Hey!

Come on now, this Constitution even allowed that.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Just missed.

Great.

Ready for the next meeting?

Yeah, sure.

What is it?

Especially this getting as dressed as a giant donkey.

Why are you trying to impress her?

She's just a Canadian NATO general.

General Martin is coming here on my invitation.

You understand that, right?

And that her last three men to use are all Lieutenant generals now.

Okay, relax her.

What do you have in that lovely folder?

It's insane.

Those soldiers put in their resume.

Do you have your kindergarten art work or something in there?

It doesn't go back that far.

It starts at like middle school.

Dad, I would appreciate it if you're on your best behavior.

You know?

No, like, Canada jokes or anything stupid.

Have I made a Canada joke?

They are an important strategic partner.

Okay.

Here she comes.

What's she going to teach you?

How to say sorry?

Just said... Well, maybe she wants to do shoot a Santa Claus if you're lucky.

Uh-oh!

General Martin... Well, hello, NATO.

You must be the famous Quins.

The rumors are true.

I could smell your base.

This is cheese, a half a click out.

General Martin, it is an honor.

Canada is, of course, one of our... One of our most important strategic partners.

We are big fans of Canada.

Welcome.

Can I get you coffee or tea?

Caffeine's for the unmotivated.

I'd like a tour.

This is our urban training site with state-of-the-art

equipment to condition our troops for any situation.

Mock buildings for forced entry exercises, a rock wall.

for terrain skill development.

And this is our picnic table for people to have lunch.

What is that, a sandwich?

Yum.

This whole place here was a useless bowling alley into life.

Turned it around.

This was your influence?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, General.

General, would you care to see the most advanced

armed forces laundry operation in all of Europe?

I'm sure it's not advanced enough to deal with my dirty laundry.

Your reputation for risky humor precedes you, ma'am.

Well, there's not a lot of finishing schools in Saskatoon.

You will be proud to know, Colonel, that we use your training methods on NATO troops.

Oh, really?

I'm very, very honored to hear that, General.

I would like to hear more about that.

And I also hear you have something to do with

the NATO professional development program.

It's a fine program.

Not as fine as this facility, though, I have to say.

We could use an upgrade like this at the NATO shape basin mons.

We mostly have glowing maps and conference rooms.

Look, it's all fun and war games, but how can you train soldiers if you've

forgotten how it feels to hold a rifle in your hand?

Yes, General.

And you know what?

I still have my Glock.

I love a Glock, you know?

Oh, that's a big one.

I have one too.

General, you know, I would love to come to your base and help assess the situation.

And perhaps continue our conversation about that.

I have to admit that the bureau letter got my attention.

And it brought me to this base.

So I would love to host you at mine.

Awesome.

And Colonel Quinn as well.

I would love to see those conference rooms.

Oh, they're great for one-on-one meetings.

I'd love to have a one-on-one.

Mm-hmm, me too.

Can I see your Kelsey?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I just heard.

Is it true?

He was a really banished wreck.

Yeah, the Colonel banned the movie.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, but it's not like a real order, right?

It's like one of his silly orders.

Like when he told us that we can say bless you after

sneezing anymore because it was superstitious nonsense.

Orders are orders, no Shrek.

You are too old to understand how much this

movie means to our younger enlisted soldiers.

It's just a cartoon about a fat gridge.

I assume.

I've only seen the poster.

You don't get it!

As kids, these soldiers saw Shrek as this down-to-earth outsider.

It means something to them.

You know what I mean?

Something to me.

Following the chain of command.

Let's go!

Don't say it.

Hey.

Hey.

So can you argue these talking points that I wrote up for our trip to NATO?

Where are you going?

I was going to pop over and see General Martin

and make sure she knows where the defect is.

Mm-hmm, in that blazer?

This is my lucky blazer.

It's your lucky blazer.

It's not my fault.

Down in five or five in this is just so nice.

Ah!

Don't sleep with General Martin.

Please.

Why?

I really don't want things to get messy, okay?

The program's so important to me.

Why would he get messy?

This is what you do.

You'll sleep with a woman and then come up with some excuse

like a fake phone call that you have to go save America.

And then they're left there alone and hurt.

It's a pattern that you have.

It's not a pattern.

It's a lifestyle choice.

I fought in two wars and defend this country so that

all Americans have the right to do whatever they want.

Including wherever jacket they want to say hello

to somebody and walk them over to the defect.

All right, all right.

I won't make my move until you make your move.

Yes, thank you for your sacrifice.

It is a sacrifice.

Hey!

What's up?

I forgot where the dining hall is.

Oh, it's just across the lawn there a few a minute.

Sounds far.

Did you use a drink to tide me over?

Oh.

Hey.

Nice place.

It's your place.

I know.

Sometimes I just forget and I re-admire it.

That's General Patton's gun.

Oh!

Where is it?

Yeah.

I've been sitting all day.

I think it's going to be like a standing evening.

Oh.

Because I've just been sitting all day pretty tight.

What's going on here?

What do you mean?

I mean, it's clear we have a natural attraction to each other, right?

Yeah.

I mean, why retreat from it?

It's perfect.

We're not in the same chain of command.

We're not even in the same army.

I know.

The thing is my daughter.

She thinks that my personal life gets messy

and she doesn't want me to get messy with you.

Oh, I'm counting on it.

Oh.

Whoops.

Let's get over here.

Peel off my sex blazer.

And we'll see if you have the fortitude to invade Canada.

Wow.

Now I know some of you are upset about recent programming changes.

I told you not to play with Shrek.

Okay, since Shrek is your favorite childhood movie, I found the perfect substitute.

What is that?

A giant vape?

It's not a vape.

This is a VHS.

And it contains a recording of my favorite childhood movie, the never-ending story.

Enjoy.

Give it a shot.

Just give it a chance, okay?

They hate this.

Wait, our horse dies in this.

We want Shrek.

Hey, dude.

Be cool.

Dude?

It's major.

Sorry, dude.

Major.

Listen, why don't you take a walk?

Let us watch the stars born.

Okay, this is just a DVD of Shrek.

Prove it.

Put it in.

You know what?

No.

No.

We're not watching Shrek.

That is an order.

Great.

Enjoy your flying dog.

Creep.

I'm leaving.

Okay, he's a luck dragon.

And he's really cute and charming.

It was ahead of its time.

Oh, my God.

What happened to Canadians being polite?

It's a high altitude training perk.

I need very little oxygen.

I was getting a little worried.

You know?

What?

Let's have scar.

Oh, ISIS terrorist.

He was inside of a bowling slide.

Smash throw window grabbed and pulled him right at.

Oh, that's cool.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

What's that from?

Bar fight.

Who's jaw?

I won.

It's so much bigger than mine.

I know.

Cool.

Oh, boy.

I... Man.

Ah.

Looks like I got a saved Canada.

What?

I can't believe you said that.

What?

That's my move.

That's what I was just about to say.

I swear to God.

Well, you said you didn't want things to get messy.

No, this is perfect.

This means it could just be a mutual transmission of fluids.

Mm.

And, you know, respect, obviously.

Hopefully not too much respect.

Good morning, mags.

Oh, my God.

But you slept with General Martin.

No, I didn't.

What are you talking about?

What?

You never say good morning, mags.

You potentially destroyed my chances after NATO professional

development program after you said, I will make things messy.

It's not messy.

It's so cool.

She's the female version of me.

She actually even used my move on me after we,

you know, we're done having, you know, relations.

She picked up her phone and she was like, oh, I got to go save Canada.

That was like, really?

From what?

The Yeti's?

Let's say that she doesn't hate your gut.

She doesn't.

She loves many parts of me.

Okay.

Stop.

New plan.

You are just going to give her this.

You're going to talk me up and you are going to help secure me this mentorship.

Okay.

This is so heavy.

It's seven pounds.

Like, I'm begging you to just edit.

Go!

So I can go wash my brain.

Next we're coming to my next words.

I just couldn't turn down the chance to have sex on a war table.

Next time, instead of doing it on a Canada, can we do it on Russia?

Because I feel like if we do it long enough, poop might actually find out.

Oh, he'll find out.

All right.

Well, I got to go.

And don't worry.

I'm not saving Canada this time.

If anything, I'm putting her in more danger.

Hey.

I was thinking, you know, like you and my

daughter should get to know each other better.

She's a great girl.

She's really interesting.

She's wicked smart.

She's an impressive officer.

You should be very proud.

I'm so proud.

And I actually told her that once under oath.

So I was just thinking that we could grab dinner and get to know each other.

There's a tiny place nearby.

They do a family style thing.

It's great.

I thought maybe I don't do family style.

But they can do individual plates.

It's no big thing.

Anyway.

She gave me this, which is a folder.

Something up her career and her ideas about the future.

Oh, my God.

I know.

What the hell is that?

She has an oddly shaped head.

And it took us a while to figure out what hair cut worked for her.

And that was not one of the ones that worked.

But anyways, so it's all in here.

You can just get to...

What are you going?

Uh, call my office.

Okay, well, we're still on for tomorrow, right?

I'm sure it'll work out.

And, huh?

Why are soldiers in the defect eating raw onions like an apple?

Because it strikes favored food, sir.

Also, representation of these many layers.

I am following orders.

And so should you.

You know who else was just following orders?

Lord Farquaad's Knights.

Lord Farquaad is an emissary.

No, I got it from context clues.

Thank you so much.

This is ending now.

And no more playing.

I'll start by smash mouth.

Terrible song.

Hey, now.

It's a class sick.

What?

Reading our sheets.

You just been assigned to the train duty.

Oh, you can silence me.

A good lock silencing the insurrection.

Yummy?

Whoa.

You've been waiting a long time.

Oh, she is a general.

And everything went okay yesterday.

Great.

You gave her my folder.

Yes, I showed her the folder.

And you showed her the folder.

Yeah.

Did she read the folder?

No, she didn't have to.

That's the thing.

She's obviously like, I said, she's so intimate.

General Martin can't give the tour after all.

She's been pulled into an important meeting.

Oh, okay.

Of course.

Thank you, ma'am.

Got it.

You said that she was very into you.

She isn't to me.

Oh, why is she blowing you off?

I'm blowing.

Women don't blow me off, honey.

Okay, well, you get pulled into an important last minute meeting all the time.

And when you're doing that, what does that mean?

It's blowing them off.

Come on.

Come on.

That's not me.

We can come down.

Yes.

Sure.

How's going out here?

What?

Oh, my God.

This is your big meeting.

You're regretting your hockey stick.

Unbelievable.

It's called a Canadian breakup.

It's as direct as we can be.

You're breaking up with me.

That's a laugh.

This means war.

Look, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.

Oh, you're going to be very sorry.

You know what?

I'd like to challenge you to one of these little war games that

you supposedly run here in this toothless little dollhouse.

He's very passionate.

Perhaps that is not the best idea considering Canada

is one of our most important strategic partners.

It's important strategic partners.

There are a bunch of syrup stock and puck-making losers.

No.

Yeah, I haven't won the Stanley Cup with a Canadian team since 1993.

How dare you bring up my country's greatest shame?

War it is.

You pick any country on the map and I will use that country to crush NATO.

Bhutan.

Bhutan it is.

I love Bhutan.

Yeah, here we go.

Bhutan.

I'm Captain Bhutan.

Yeah, Bhutan is a pacifist country with a million Buddhists.

I'm going to war with a bunch of Buddhists.

Okay, I'm going to double that bet.

Bhutan wins what you will because I'm running it.

My daughter gets the professional mentorship thing.

How about that?

Okay, well you have a lot of confidence or no faith in your daughter.

Let's find out which one.

I'm very confident that's which one it is, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Let's go.

You think you're cool?

It's pretty hot.

Dad, circuit.

All right.

This war table is connected to an AI program that immediately assesses any

geopolitical consequences by military actions.

I remember when the war was still done by human hands, pushing big red buttons.

Okay, let's begin.

Hmm.

My entire professional future is now tied to this war game.

So, you're sure you can beat her?

100% sure.

Great.

No question in my mind.

All right.

Just show me where a butan is in.

Your Mexico.

Bhutan is here.

Only China, India border.

Okay.

You are ready to lock in.

Oh, I'm locked in.

Okay.

You think I got banned from three trivia nights without walking in?

What is happening here?

Okay, what is wrong with you all?

Get back to work.

Clean this up.

That's an order.

It's a total revolt, sir.

I cannot believe that Papadakis and Sparta were building over a stupid cartoon.

This is a mutiny.

It's a very stupid mutiny.

We hear at the end of China, Bhutan is alliance respond with a drone squadron in

the mountainous region and artillery at the northern border.

Now we're at a stalemate.

Not exactly because while you were digging trenches, I was

training the Bhutanese Liberation Front in the Himalayan caves.

You're leading an army of Buddhist gorillas.

Yeah.

We call it karma.

And, you know, the VLF advantage is that we only live in the moment that and the

nuclear weapons that we have smuggled into half a dozen eastern European cities.

That's a highly unusual move.

Yeah, but you can only push Bhutan so far.

Right?

Get ready to be reincarnated.

Can I talk to you privately for a moment?

Mm-hmm.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think this is a little aggressive, don't you?

No.

No, I would rather trigger nuclear winter than

lose my mentorship because I played it too safe.

Doesn't he?

Okay.

Whoo!

Your turn.

Papadakis, this is out of control.

You got to call it off.

You know, Major, I was never asking for a slack.

I was only asking for Shrek.

I wish it was that easy.

It is that easy.

The base has Shrek on, like, DVD, Blu-ray, audiobook, even that weird big vape.

It's called a VHS.

And it is the Colonel's order.

He's in here.

It's your order now.

Can't wait.

You volunteered for the dream duty?

I'm finally serving a cause.

I can believe it.

He told us to act like soldiers.

And the question now is...

kind of soldier are you.

Is that a line from Shrek?

Only one way to find out.

NATO forces invade the B-L-F, the Bulgarian terrorist cell.

That is too bad.

Because we were never there.

We were in North Macedonia.

Oh, all time.

North Macedonia.

North Macedonia is one of NATO's newest members, but they agreed to house us an

exchange for a nuclear weapon, which is the reward that we offer for any

country, willing to join the Indo-China-Bootenese Alliance.

Oh, my God.

And then the Eastern block will join you,

and the NATO Alliance has permanently broken.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Wow.

Crazy impressive, right?

See, I told you.

That's why you should have had that family style dinner with three of us.

Sorry.

Did you invite a woman that you barely know to a family style dinner?

Yeah.

I mean... Well, that's insane.

I'm insane.

You hear the food that needs to spend a lot.

I mean, I wonder she blew us off.

That's why she blew me off.

Oh, yes it is.

No, it freaked me out.

I thought you were going to propose going on a Disney cruise as a family next.

I guess I could.

John 9-1-1.

Hmm.

No.

Look, he is not invested in family at all, but he did raise a daughter who knows her

way around a war game, which I think I just want.

So about that.

Captain, I can't in good conscience.

Let a maniac like you out on the street without my guidance.

Therefore, the mentorship is yours.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

So much.

So, let's say Shah over road my Shrek band on the bass, and he says we have to show

the film tonight because it has generational importance.

Shrek, I love Shrek.

Oh, like my ears.

He's our guy.

He's our Canada guy.

Can I come and see it?

I haven't seen it.

Sure, I'll just tell Shah to save us a couple seats.

I'm so excited.

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Wow.

You're going to watch Shrek?

Yeah, if she's watching, I'll watch it.

Okay.

It's... it's... what is he?

He's giant fat frog, right?

Mm-hmm.

You made the right choice, Shah.

I'm glad we didn't have to kill you.

You know, I always wanted to date somebody that

was basically the female version of me, you know.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, can I touch your callous again?

Oh, yeah, good.

Mm-hmm.

Last and final offer, Colonel.

I'll agree to one shared holiday.

I'll give you boxing day.

Any 24-hour rendezvous can turn into a 48-hour rendezvous, but at that point,

the clock resets, and it's a mutually agreed upon 72-hour cooling-off period.

Fine.

Okay.

Terms of endearment, I will accept special someone, main squeeze, gal pal.

I'm never going to say gal pal.

All right.

Lock the doors.

Let's test the bounds of this agreement.

It's going so well.

Thank you so much.