Original subtitles

If I squint at you from a distance, I can almost see a soldier. But what I'm

wondering right now is, what do you dress like?

Can you be more specific, sir?

Like?

Like Shrek. No, I bought this costume at a Halloween store. This is angry green.

Swamp ogre. Colonel, the troops have chosen to watch Shrek for the 17th

movie night. I am dressed as an angry green swamp ogre. Now, if someone were

dress as Shrek, maybe they would do so because the film is a cultural

for an entire generation.

Get your feet off my desk.

Officially, as of now, Major, Shrek is banned on this base.

Confirmed, sir. Fine.

Guess we can watch Shrek 2. Shrek 2 is banned. Shrek 3, banned.

What? Is there a Shrek 4? Because it's banned.

Forever After.

What? Shrek 4. It's called Shrek Forever After.

Well, not on this base.

Hey! Come on now! Does the Constitution even allow that?

Okay. Bye -bye. Great.

Ready for the next meeting? Yeah, sure.

What is it?

Specialist Gideon is dressed as a giant donkey.

Why are you trying to impress her? She's just a Canadian NATO general.

General Martin is coming here on my invitation. You understand that, right?

that her last three mentees are all lieutenant generals now?

Okay, relax.

What do you have in that love me folder? It's insane.

Most soldiers put in their resume.

Do you have your kindergarten artwork or something in there? It didn't go back

that far. It started, like, middle school.

Dad, I would appreciate it if you were on your best behavior, you know? No,

like, Canada jokes or anything.

Stupid. Have I made a candidate joke yet? They are an important strategic

partner. Okay.

Here she comes.

What's she going to teach you? How to say sorry?

Just said stop.

Well, maybe she'll introduce you to Santa Claus if you're lucky. Stop. Oh.

General Martin.

Well, hello, Nico.

You must be the famous Quinn.

The rumors are true. I could smell your base's cheese a half a click out.

General Martin, it is an honor.

Canada is, of course, one of our most important strategic partners.

We are big fans of Canada. Welcome. Can I get you coffee or tea?

Caffeines for the unmotivated. I'd like a tour.

This is our urban training site with state -of -the -art equipment to

our troops for any situation.

Mock buildings for forced entry exercises, a rock wall for terrain skill

development, and this is our picnic table for people to have lunch.

What is that, a sandwich?

Yum. This whole place here was a useless bowling alley until I turned it around.

This was your influence? Oh, yeah. Impressive. Thank you, General. Thank

General, would you care to see the most advanced armed forces laundry operation

in all of Europe? I'm sure it's not advanced enough to deal with my dirty

laundry.

Your reputation for risque humor precedes you, ma 'am. Well, there's not

of finishing schools in Saskatoon.

You will be proud to know, Colonel, that we use your training methods on NATO

troops. Oh, really?

Well, I'm very, very honored to hear that, General.

I would like to hear more about that. And I also hear you have something to do

with the NATO troops.

It's a fine program. Not as fine as this facility, though, I have to say.

You know, we could use an upgrade like this at the NATO shape base in Mons. We

mostly have glowing maps and conference rooms. And look, it's all fun and war

games, but how can you train soldiers if you've forgotten how it feels to hold a

rifle in your hand?

Yes, General. And you know what?

I still have my glock knuckle.

Oh, please don't. 35 years ago. I love a glock knuckle.

You know? Oh, that's a big one. It is.

I have one, too.

You do?

General, I would love to come to your base and help assess the situation and

perhaps continue our conversation about that professional development.

Captain, your letter got my attention. And it brought me to this base. So I

would love to host you at mine.

Awesome. And Colonel Quinn as well.

I would love to see those conference rooms. Well, they're great for one -on

meetings. I'd love to have a one -on -one. Me too.

Can I see your cows?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey. It's her.

Is it true? You guys are really banning Shrek? Yeah, the colonel banned the

movie. Okay, yeah, but it's not like a real order, right? It's like one of his

silly orders, like when he told his side we couldn't say bless you after

sneezing anymore because it was superstitious nonsense?

Orders are orders, no Shrek.

Okay, you are too old to understand how much this movie means to our younger

enlisted soldiers.

This is the cartoon about a fat Grinch.

I assume. I've only seen the poster.

You don't get it. As kids, these soldiers saw Shrek as this down -to

outsider. It means something to them. You know what means something to me?

Following a chain of command.

No. Don't say it.

Hey. Hey.

So can you review these talking points that I wrote up for our trip to NATO?

Where are you going?

I was going to pop over and see General Martin and make sure she knows where the

defect is. In that blazer? This is my lucky blazer. It's your lucky blazer.

not my fault that I'm five for five in this. It's just a nice blazer.

Don't sleep with General Martin, please. Why?

I really don't want things to get messy, okay? The program's so important to me.

Why would it get messy?

This is what you do. You'll sleep with a woman and then come up with some excuse

like a...

Fake phone call that you have to go save America, and then they're left there

alone and hurt. It's the pattern that you have. It's not a pattern. It's a

lifestyle choice. I fought in two wars and defend this country so that all

Americans have the right to do whatever they want, including wear whatever

jacket they want to say hello to somebody and walk them over to the DFAC.

All right, all right.

I won't make my move until you make your move.

Yeah, thank you for your sacrifice.

It is a sacrifice.

Hey! What's up?

I forgot where the dining hall is. Oh, it's just across the lawn there, if you

want me to... That sounds far.

You'd use a drink to tide me over.

Oh.

Hey.

Nice place.

It's your place. I know. Sometimes I just forget and I re -admire it. That's,

uh, General Patton's gun.

Ooh! Yeah.

Impressive. Yeah.

I've been sitting all day. I think it's going to be like a standing evening

because I've just been sitting all day.

Pretty tight.

What's going on here?

I mean, it's clear we have a natural attraction to each other, right?

I mean, why retreat from it? It's perfect.

We're not in the same chain of command. We're not even in the same army.

I know. The thing is, my daughter, she thinks that my... Personal life gets

messy, and she doesn't want me to get messy with you. Oh, I'm counting on it.

Oh. So get over here, peel off my sex blazer, and we'll see if you have the

fortitude to invade Canada. Oh!

Wow.

Now,

I know some of you are upset about recent programming changes.

I told you not to play with Shrek.

Since Shrek is your favorite childhood movie, I found the perfect substitute.

What is that? A giant vape?

This is a VHS, and it contains a recording of my favorite childhood

NeverEnding Story.

Enjoy.

Give it a shot. Just give it a chance, okay?

They hate it.

Wait, a horse died in it? We want Shrek. Hey, dude.

Be cool.

Dude? It's Major.

Sorry. Dude.

Major. Listen, why don't you take a walk?

Let us watch The Star is Born.

Okay, this is just a DVD of Shrek.

Prove it.

Put it in. You know what? No, we're not watching Shrek. That is an order.

Great. Enjoy your flying dog, creep.

I'm leaving.

Okay, he's a luck dragon, and he's really cute and charming. It was ahead

time!

Oh, my God. What happened to Canadians being polite?

It's a high -altitude training perk. I need very little oxygen.

I was getting a little worried, you know?

What? What's that scar?

Oh, ISIS terrorist. He was inside of a building, so I smashed through a window,

grabbed him, pulled him right out. Oh, that's cool.

I mean, you know.

Oh, my God. What's that from?

Bar fight.

Moose jaw. I won.

It's so much bigger than mine.

Cool.

Oh, boy, I... Man.

Looks like I gotta save Canada.

What?

I can't believe you said that.

What? That's my move. That's what I was just about to say.

I swear to God. Well, you said you didn't want things to get messy, so...

this is perfect.

This means it could just be a mutual transmission of fluids.

Hmm. And, you know, respect, obviously. Hopefully not too much respect.

Good morning, Meg.

Oh, my God.

What? You slept with General Martin. No, I didn't. What are you talking about?

What? You never say good morning, Meg.

You potentially destroyed my chances at the NATO Professional Development

Program after you said...

I won't make things messy. It's not messy. It's so cool. She's the female

version of me. She actually even used my move on me after we, you know, we're

done having, you know, relations.

She picked up her phone and she was like, oh, I gotta go save Canada.

I was like, really? From what? The Yetis? Let's say that she doesn't hate

guts yet. She doesn't. She loves many parts of me. Okay, stop.

New plan.

You are just gonna give her this.

You're going to talk me up, and you are going to help secure me this mentorship,

okay?

This is so heavy. It's seven pounds. Like I'm begging you to just edit. Go!

So I can go watch my brain.

Thanks for coming to my neighborhood.

I just couldn't turn down the chance to have sex on a war table.

Next time, instead of doing it on Canada, can we do it on Russia? Because

like if we do it long enough, Putin might actually find out. Oh, he'll find

All right, well, I got to go.

And don't worry, I'm not saving Canada this time. If anything, I'm putting her

in more danger.

Hey. I was thinking, you know, like you and my daughter should get to know each

other better.

She's a great girl. She's really interesting. She's wicked smart.

She's an impressive officer. You should be very proud.

I'm so proud. And I actually told her that once under oath. So I was just

thinking that we could grab dinner and get to know each other. There's an

Italian place nearby.

They do a family style thing. It's great.

I don't do family style.

But they can do individual plates. It's no big thing.

Anyways, she gave it, which is a folder, summing up her career and her ideas

about the future. Oh, my God.

I know. What the hell is that?

She has an oddly shaped head, and it took us a while to figure out what

worked for her, and that was not one of the ones that worked.

But anyways, so it's all in here. You can just get to, um, where are you

Uh, call my office.

Okay, well, we're still on for tomorrow, right? I'm sure it'll work out.

And hut!

Why are soldiers in the DFAC eating raw onions like an apple?

Because it's Shrek's favorite food, sir.

Also a representation of these many layers.

I am following orders, and so should you.

You know who else was just following orders?

Lord Farquaad's knight.

Lord Farquaad.

No, I got it from context clues. Thank you so much. This is ending now, and no

more playing All -Star by Smash Mouth. Terrible song.

Hey, now.

It's a classic.

What have you done?

Greening our sheets.

You've just been assigned to latrine duty.

Oh, you can silence me.

Good luck silencing the insertion.

Yummy? We've been waiting a long time.

Oh, she is a general.

And everything went okay yesterday?

Great. You gave her my folder?

Yes, I showed her the folder.

You showed her the folder? Yeah.

Did she read the folder? No, she didn't have to. Like, that's the thing. She's

obviously, like I said, she's so into me.

General Martin can't give the tour after all. She's been pulled into an

important meeting.

Oh, okay.

Of course.

Thank you, ma 'am. Got it.

You said that she was very into you. She is into me. Oh, why is she blowing you

off? She's not blowing... Women don't blow me off, honey. Okay, well, you get

pulled into an important last -minute meeting all the time. And when you're

doing that, what does that mean?

It means I'm blowing them off. Come on.

Come on.

What the hell is going on here?

What? What the? Oh, my God. This is your big meeting? You're re -gripping your

hockey stick?

Unbelievable. It's called a Canadian breakup.

It's as direct as we can be. You're breaking up with me?

That's a laugh.

This means war.

Look, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.

Oh, you're going to be very sorry. You know what? I'd like to challenge you to

one of these little war games that you supposedly run here in this toothless

little dollhouse. He's very passionate. Perhaps that is not the best idea,

considering Canada is one of our most important...

Strategic partners.

Important strategic partners. They're a bunch of syrup -sucking, puck -making

losers. No. You haven't won the Stanley Cup with a Canadian team since 1993.

How dare you bring up my country's greatest shame.

Fine. War it is. You pick any country on the map and I will use that country to

crush NATO.

Bhutan. Bhutan it is. I love Bhutan. Yeah, here we go. Bhutan.

I'm Captain Bhutan.

Yeah, Bhutan is a pacific country with a million Buddhists.

I'm going to... with a bunch of booty um okay i'm gonna double that bet bhutan

wins which it will because i'm running it my daughter gets the professional

mentorship thing how about that okay well you have a lot of confidence or no

faith in your daughter let's find out which one i'm very confident that's

one it is okay yeah okay let's go you think you're cool pretty hot

god sir

This war table is connected to an AI program that immediately assesses any

geopolitical consequences by military actions.

I remember when nuclear war was still done by human hands pushing the big red

button.

Okay, let's begin.

Hmm, um, my entire professional future is now tied to this war game, so you're

sure you can beat her? 100 % sure. Great. No question in my mind. All

Just show me where, uh, you can at it.

New Mexico?

Bhutan is here on the China -India border. Interesting.

Okay. You ready to lock in? Oh, I'm locked in. Okay. You think I got banned

three trivia nights without locking in?

What is happening here?

Okay, what is wrong with you all? Get back to work. Clean this up. That's an

order. It's a total revolt, sir. I cannot believe that Papadakis and Sparta

rebelling over a stupid cartoon.

This is a mutiny.

It's a very stupid mutiny.

We here at the Indochina Bhutanese Alliance respond with a drone squadron

mountainous region and artillery at the northern border.

Now we're at a stalemate. Not exactly, because while you were digging trenches,

I was training the Bhutanese Liberation Front in the Himalayan cave.

You're leading an army of Buddhist guerrillas.

Yeah, we call it karma.

And, you know, the VLF advantage is that we only live in the moment. That and

the nuclear weapons that we have smuggled into half a dozen Eastern

cities. That's a highly unusual move.

Yeah, but you can only push Buddhists so far, right?

Get ready to be reincarnated.

Can I talk to you privately for a moment? Mm -hmm. Um, I can't believe I'm

saying this, but I think this is a little aggressive, don't you?

No. Yeah? No, I would rather trigger nuclear winter than lose my mentorship

because I played it too safe.

Trust me. Okay.

Whew!

Your turn.

Papadakis, this is out of control. You gotta call it off.

You know, Major, I was never asking for slack.

I was only asking for Shrek.

I wish it was that easy.

It is that easy.

The base has Shrek on, like, DVD, Blu -ray, audiobook, even that weird big

It's called a VHS, and it is the colonel's order.

He isn't here.

It's your order now.

Conway, you volunteered for latrine duty?

I'm finally serving a cause. I can believe it.

Totals act like soldiers.

Only question now is, what kind of soldier are you?

Is that a line from Shrek?

Only one way to find out.

NATO forces invade the BLF, the Bulgarian terror cell.

That is too bad.

Because we were never there.

We were in North Macedonia the whole time.

North Macedonia. North Macedonia. One of NATO's newest members, but they agreed

to house us in exchange for a nuclear weapon, which is the reward that we

for any country willing to join the Indo -China Bhutanese Alliance.

Oh, my God.

And then the Eastern Bloc will join you, and the NATO alliance is permanently

broken.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Wow. Crazy impressive, right?

See, I told you. That's why you should have had that family -style dinner with

the three of us. Sorry. Did you invite a woman that you barely know to a family

-style dinner?

Yeah. I mean... Well, that's insane.

I'm insane? You're the Putinist bin Laden. I mean, no wonder she blew us

That's not why she blew me off. Oh, yes, it is. No, it freaked me out. I thought

you were going to propose going on a Disney cruise as a family next.

Oh. Hang on a second.

Child 911.

I don't know. Look, he is not invested in family at all, but he did raise a

daughter who knows her way around a war game, which I think I just won.

So, about that... Captain, I can't in good conscience let a maniac like you

on the street without my guidance.

Therefore, the mentorship is yours. Congratulations.

Thank you, ma 'am. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

They say Shaw overrode my Shrek band on the base, and he says we have to show

the film tonight because it has generational importance.

Shrek, I love Shrek.

Mike Myers, he's our guy. He's our Canada guy. Can I come and see it? I

seen it in a while. Sure, I'll just tell Shaw to save us a couple feet.

I'm so excited. Yeah. Oh, that's great.

Great.

Wow. You're going to watch Shrek?

Yeah, she's watching it and I'll watch it. Okay.

It's, what is he? He's a giant fat frog, right?

Mm -hmm.

You made the right choice, Shaw. I'm glad we didn't have to kill you.

You know, I always wanted to date somebody that was basically the female

of me.

Hey, can I touch your callus again?

Oh, yeah. Go ahead.

Last and final offer,

Colonel. I'll agree to one shared holiday.

I'll give you Boxing Day.

Any 24 -hour rendezvous can turn into a 48 -hour rendezvous. But at that point,

the clock resets, and it's a mutually agreed -upon 72 -hour cooling -off

Fine. Okay.

Terms of endearment I will accept. Special someone, main squeeze, gal pal.

I'm never going to say gal pal. Done.

All right.

Lock the doors.

Let's test the bounds of this agreement.

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