All language subtitles for Don’t Go Near the Water 1957-en

# Don't go near the water #

# Near the water,
stay away from the bay #

# They say don't go near the water #

# 'Cause the water's for fishes,
for rinsing the dishes #

# For lawns that are fading away #

# Don't go near the water #

# Stay away from the water today #

# Don't go near the water #

# Near the water,
stay away from the bay #

# They say don't go near the water #

# 'Cause the water's for drinking,
for shirts that need shrinking #

# For waiters to spill from a tray #

# Don't go near the water #

# Stay away from the water today #

# It's grand on the land #

# 'Cause the land
that we stand on is durable #

# But the sea, oh the sea #

# We've been longing to see it,
that's almost incurable #

# Don't go near the water #

# Near the water,
stay away from the bay #

# They say don't go near the water #

# There are gals we could yearn for
that we might return for #

# But so far we've not heard a word #

# Don't go near the water #

# Stay away from the water #
# You know that you oughta #

# Stay away from the water today #

While the mighty U.S Navy thundered
through the battles of Midway,

the Solomons, the Coral Sea,

here on the island of Tulura,

the public relations section
was fighting a battle of its own.

This is the story of
some of these dry land sailors.

The only deck they trod
was the floor of a Quonset hut.

Their only battle sounds,

the roar of typewriters.

The only salt they tasted,

from peanuts.

The fearless sea dog
in charge of this operation

was Lieutenant Commander Nash,

known affectionately
to his men as

Marblehead.

BELL RINGING

Phew.

Made it.

Been looking all over this
fool island looking for a mate

for that pet canary of Nash's.

I don't even know whether
it's a male or a female.

Yeah, how do you tell?

Well, it's been so long,
I don't remember.

What's old Marblehead doing in there,
thinking big or playing with his sextant?

He was reading one of his books.

I think it was 'How to Abandon Ship'.

How to abandon one?
He's never been on one.

Ross, why isn't my three inch shell
full of paper clips?

Sorry, Commander.

Where's the music?
What happened to my record?

The men turned it off, sir.

But what for, don't they know
that it builds morale?

The men don't seem
to think so, sir.

They're under the impression that
the only thing that builds morale

isn't available on the island.

That's nonsense.

Statistics show that
even Rhode Island hens

lay 10 percent more eggs
when listening to music.

Well, yes, sir,
but the men don't lay eggs.

- They say they don't...
- That will be all, Pratt.

I wish he'd knock it off.

I gotta date with a nurse.

How do you like that? 12 nurses on the
whole island and he's got 3 of them.

Why don't you open
your own hospital?

Ross!

There's Marblehead again.

Aye, sir.

Two Bells, pipe them aboard.

WHISTLE SOUNDS

- Captain.
- Commander.

Commander.

Evening, Commander.

All right, sailors,

let's up anchor and get underway.

Everything ship-shape
in your department, Pendleton?

Well, frankly Commander,
I've run across a slight snag.

Nothing, of course, that I can't lick.

Nothing that we in this department
can't lick.

As Admiral Perry always said:
"don't give up the ship".

Didn't Perry say, uh,
"we've met the enemy and they're ours"?

He probably said that, too.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, those pictures you wanted
for the news reel,

the jungle stuff
and native colours?

I couldn't find any natives
wearing loin cloths.

It seems there are no
loin cloths on the island.

- You try the ship's store?
- Naturally.

They had face cloths,
dish cloths, but...

no loin cloths.

Well then, adapt them.

As we used to say
in the brokerage firm

of Merrill Lynch, Pierce,
Fenner and Beane, use your head.

I tried that, Commander.

Unfortunately, the face cloths were too
small and the dish cloths were too big.

You, uh, have no idea
of the variants in loins.

Oh, live and loin, man.

LAUGHTER

Sailors...

this increased levity
that I've observed lately...

frankly, I don't like it.

Correspondence Liaison Officer,
any report on Admiral Boatwright?

Yes, sir. He refused to grant
the Times and Newsweek interviews.

The Admiral is one of those
old-fashioned naval types

who seems to believe that the navy
is merely a collection of ships.

- Remarkable attitude.
- Isn't it?

What did he say, exactly?

Well, he said that
the public relations outfit

was a, uh, collection of
oddballs and freaks.

Doesn't he realise our importance?

The invaluable contribution
that we're making?

I'm afraid not, sir.

Matter of fact, he suggested
we load all the correspondence

and public relations oddballs
on one ship

and steer that one ship
right into the middle of Tokyo bay.

As he figures this would
drive the enemy nuts

and get the war over with
one year earlier.

Very funny.

Well, I thought it was
kind of funny, sir.

Whose side are you on, Siegel?

The public relations side, sir.

I mean naturally, but...

well, having served
on a ship myself I...

Do you have to keep throwing
your sea duty up to us?

I'm very sorry, sir, I-I...
it just slips out sometimes.

Sometimes I have the feeling
that you don't belong here, Siegel.

You know something?

You know, sometimes
I get that very same feeling.

Well, you're going to be here for
the duration, mister. So forget it.

I'd like to report some difficulty
with a correspondent, sir.

Gordon Ripwell, Chicago Gazette.

What is it this time?

Well, he claims he isn't getting
his sheets changed often enough.

Someday I'm gonna tell him
what he can do with them.

Now don't forget, ensign,
Ripwell has 2 million readers.

He's in a position to do
the Navy a lot of good.

He has been getting
his sheets changed weekly.

Yes, but he claims
it isn't good enough.

He wants them changed every day.

I don't suppose
you could ask him why?

Might be something quite personal.

Some sort of skin ailment.

A lot of crud in the Pacific.

Yes sir, I hope that's it, sir.

That's a negative attitude, Tyson.

If daily sheets will make Ripwell
write good press for the Navy

I say he should have them!

You'll just have to take them down
to that navy base laundry yourself

and have them done there.

Me carry dirty laundry?
But I'm an Ensign, Commander.

Now, quote:
"Ensigns shall perform such duty

as may be assigned them in order to
broaden their experience" unquote.

Oh!

How, in blazes,
does carrying Ripwell's

cruddy sheets broaden
my Naval experience?

Now knock it off.

I try not to run a taut ship here
but you're getting my bilge up.
[BELL SOUNDS]

Three bells, 5:30. Conference dismissed.

- Oh, Siegel.
- Yes, sir.

Two members of Congress
are arriving tomorrow,

I want you to give them
our best tour.

- Yes, sir.
- Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

Well, I'm sorry but when
you've seen one conference...

- You may leave, Siegel.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, Pratt,

take the braid off my cap
and soak it in seawater.

It's losing its green.

All ready, sir.

They're waiting in the Jeepster.

Representative Jansen
of New Jersey, Republican

and representative
Smithfield of North Carolina.

Democrats.

Sir, I...

I think I ought to tell you something;
I'm requesting... transfer to sea duty.

Yeah.

It's been great being a yeoman,
Mr Siegel, you've been swell to me

but it's just that... well, frankly,
I'd like to get my feet wet.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
I know.

- You think Marblehead would.. I mean
Commander Nash would OK it... - No.

- But, sir.
- Garrett, there isn't a chance.

The last man who requested a transfer
to sea duty was sent to the psycho ward.

No.

Nash figured he had bats
in his vinegar or something.

- Congressman Jansen?
- Yes.

How do you do, sir?

- Uh, Congressman Smithfield?
- Howdy.

Well, gentlemen,
I would like to take you

on an orientation tour
of our very lovely island.

Our first stop will be at the typical
native village at Tanalolo.

- That's at the far end.
- How far?

Yeoman here said there
were a number of men

from New Jersey stationed
at the Seabee Battalion.

I believe you also said some of
my boys from North Carolina are here.

Said he would like to drop by
and say howdy to them.

Certainly. Well, I appreciate
your concern, gentlemen,

but we must not forget that
these Tulurans are more or less

wards of the United States
government.

And to these very simple people...

well, a congressman is
a fairly important person.

So, I think we ought to spend
a few minutes at the native Village

and then we'll go on to visit
with your perspective--

Today's Tulurans are the result of

early marriages between the native
women and the ancient Spaniards

starting with the passionate
sailors of Magellan.

The modern Tulurans
are usually short, slender,

light brown in colour
with round heads.

What other kind of heads are there?

The majority of the natives

live in rectangular wooden houses
with thatched roofs.

Observe the camp that's on your left.

Oh, that's very interesting.

Nowadays, many of the Native males
wear nothing but loincloths!

They say you're two very distinguished
gentlemen and they want to thank you

for lifting the yoke of oppression
from their shoulders.

All that in four words?

Let's go. All right, boys.

Now look, young man,
this is all very instructive.

What do you say, let's get over
and see that Seabee Battalion.

Presently, gentlemen, presently,

just as soon as we have a
little bit of liquid refreshment.

Good morning, Mr Seguro.

What a lovely native flower.

Who is she, Miss Pacific?

I've never seen her before.

Say Lieutenant, uh, maybe you
could fix it up with the young lady

to enjoy one of those five hour
Tuluran dinners you were talking about.

- I thought you said you were having
dinner with the Admiral? - Huh?

- The Admiral, remember?
- Oh, oh that's tomorrow night.

Isn't it, Arthur?

Do you know,
I believe you're right.

One loses all track of time
here in the Pacific.

Yeah. Go ahead and
tell the young lady we're free.

Gentlemen, as important as I believe
the Tulurans to be,

I don't think that you gentlemen ought
to neglect your own constituents, do you?

Maybe she has a sister.

Go ahead, make the date.

And then ask her if she
has a sister for Arthur here.

I'm afraid you're out of luck, gentlemen.

Yeah, it seems that she's married.

And has three children.

- Three children?
- Yep.

Oh, she couldn't have.

Well, Tulurans marry
very young, you know.

Three children, well I declare.

Actually, I have four.

I'm Lieutenant Max Siegel
of the United States Navy.

Oh, I'd like you to meet, um,

representative Jansen
of the United States Congress.

- How do you do?
- I'm pleased to know you.

- Oh, this is representative Smithfield.
- How do you do?

How do you do, ma'am?

Our island is honoured
to have two distinguished

- members of Congress plan a visit.
- Thank you, ma'am.

- What states do you represent?
- New Jersey, ma'am, 17th district.

Uh, North Carolina, 16th District.

Both sides of the Mason-Dixon line.

- This is an honour.
- Thank you, ma'am.

So you speak Tuluran?

No, I...

Yes. Yes, yes. I-I... a little bit.

I'm sorry to leave this enjoyable
conversation, gentlemen

but you know how it is
with four children.

You two look as if you are
parents yourselves.

Oh, yes, I have three.

Yes, ma'am...

five.

I live at the bachelor officer's quarters.

I'm sorry I didn't bring my children,

all four of them along to meet you.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Hasta luego.

Tulurans are presumably civilised

and completely unpredictable.

Well!

Well, all right, guys, let's get on
to that Seabee Battalion man.

If you'll excuse me.

You know, it would appear,
Admiral Boatwright,

that you underestimate the great weight
of American public opinion.

Now, I'm nothing myself,

but I do represent two and
one half million Gazette readers.

I consider myself the
watchdog of their interests.

Looks like Ripwell has got old
Admiral Boatwright cornered over there.

We better send out a rescue party
if we know what's good for us.

So, did you or did you not

call a public relations outfit
a bunch of oddballs and freaks?

Look mister, why don't you
go peddle your papers?

Whoa, now just a minute, Admiral,

when you start pushing
Gordon Ripwell around,

you're pushing around two
and one half million Americans.

Ah!

Tell me, Boats,

do you visualise Okinawa
as being the last assault landing

before we hit the home
Japanese Islands?

I would call that
top secret information.

This is not a private war,

this war is the property
of the American people.

Then why don't they keep you
correspondents home and let us fight it?

- Oh, well...
- Excuse me, sir, uh, Mr Ripwell,

the ensign here has your
sheets all squared away.

Oh, good boy.

Bartender, whisky sour for the ensign
here. You take good care of me, kid.

- Went to Harvard didn't you, junior?
- Princeton.

Six of one, half a dozen
of the other.

They're both pantywaist factories.

I wouldn't go within spitting
distance of a college myself.

I sensed that.

Say, how about that date
you're going to fix me up with?

That's a little out of his line, isn't it?

His line is servicing
the correspondent.

So get the lead out and
scout around Fleet Hospital.

Oh, and while you're on the way,
get me one of those

Frank Buck helmets
like Nash is always wearing.

Any special size, Mr Ripwell?

Mm... seven and five eighths.

About the same size in dames.
Ha-ha!

Hey, Garrett.

Yes, sir.

How'd you like to earn
a fifth of bourbon once a month?

Well, I'd like it fine, sir.

Provided, of course,
it's OK with Mr Siegel.

Petunias, giant ruffled.

Why not? All you have to do is act
as convoy duty when I have a date.

Back the old '45.

Well that sounds like an
interesting proposition, sir, but...

well, I thought the rule was you
had to have an armed officer along.

Don't let it worry you,
I fixed all that with Nash.

However,
before we close the deal,

there are one or two rather
important details to get settled.

I, uh, don't want any
peeping Toms around

when I'm telling the lady goodnight.

Or I hope showing her
the beach by the moonlight.

I could wear blinders.

That's hardly necessary but I'm glad
you catch the spirit of the thing.

Of course, Garrett, you realise this, uh,
Miss Tomlen is a lieutenant.

As an enlisted man I'm sure you're
aware of the non-fraternisation orders.

You're not even
supposed to speak to her.

Yes, sir. Well, I... can see now
why you prefer me to a fellow officer.

Exactly.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Now listen to me
you fur-bearing limey,

I've already got a date
for the dance.

- Matter of fact, I've got six offers.
- Six?

Why not, you've heard of
the law supply and demand?

There's no supplies
so I'm the demand.

You'll just have to
wait your turn.

Well, put me name down at
the bottom of the list, me love,

- and I'll work me way up.
- OK.

Ah, that's no way to treat his Majesty's
public relations liaison officer, Janie.

Takes a man to grow
a muff like that.

I'll get around to him
when the weather cools off.

Who's the lucky lady tonight?

Lieutenant Alice Tomlen.

Ah, kindly inform her
of her good fortune.

Lieutenant Alice Tomlen,
wanted in the lobby.

Why do you have to pick on Alice?
She's a nice kid.

Well, I'm a nice kid, too.

Figured it was time
we got together.

Get your overrated carcass
off my desk.

Ah, good evening, Lieutenant.

Hey...

you look ravishing.

What's that perfume?

Parabolic acid. She just
scrubbed the operating room.

Janie's incurably romantic.

What are the plans
for tonight, Lieutenant?

Well, I thought we'd get a bite
to eat, take in a movie and...

- maybe go for a drive along the ocean.
- Watch out for that last one.

Lieutenant Alice Tomlen,
logging out at 19:45.

- Curfew's at 24:00.
- Don't wait up.

Ooh!

Careful, that's valuable merchandise.

6-Pack Three Officers Club.

Garrett?

Well, yes sir, right away, sir.

Hey, Garrett,
why don't we pull up here?

I think Lieutenant Tomlen
might like to see the beach.

Oh I've seen the beach,
Lieutenant.

Ah, but you haven't seen
the beach by the moonlight.

Oh, I've seen it at the
full of the moon, Lieutenant.

Not by the full of the moon
when the Grunion are running.

Running from whom, Lieutenant?

Grunion, my dear, are a species
of silvery little fish.

You can catch them
with your bare hands.

- Sounds fascinating.
- Ah, it is.

Stop right here, Garrett.

During this time of the year the slippery
little creatures come up on the beach

stop, spawn, then go out to sea again.

Sounds like some naval officers I know.

Alice, dear, this cynicism
doesn't become you.

- You better take shoes off.
- Oh, I'm all right.

You can't catch Grunion
with your shoes on.

Where does she live?

What for you wish to know, huh?

Well, I just figured I'd...
go call on her.

Mr. Seguro,

she's not married, is she?

No. Melora no marry.

Alba old family.

Very, very particular.

Well, I'm an officer
in the United States Navy.

- Make even worse.
- What do you mean?

Melora very, very smart girl.

She too much for our children.

Your-your children?

I not know how it is
in United States, Lieutenant

but in Tulura, school teacher
very interested in children.

Do you mean to say that all the time
we've been sitting here talking,

she's been down the road
there in that schoolhouse?

Where else would a
school teacher be but in school?

Do you happen to know

how far the first automobile
could go on a tank of gasoline?

Not offhand but put that down on your
list and I'll get it for you tomorrow.

Thank you.

What...

literature... what is a raven?

Literature?

We've been reading
Edgar Allen Poe.

Oh, it's a...
it's a great big black bird.

How big?

It's, uh...

it's pretty big.

I can see you've never
taught children, Mr Siegel.

You've got to be much more
definite than that

or they'll push you right up
against the wall and nail you to it.

Mm.

I'm sorry, Miss Alba,
you put that down on your list there.

How high is the
Empire State Building?

Oh, I know that one. I know
that one. That one is, uh...

the answer to that is, uh,
1,250 feet.

- That high?
- You bet you that high.

I was right up on the top
of it one time, right at the top.

- You've been a big help, Mr Siegel.
- Oh, yeah?

I never knew how hard it would be
to teach without any reference books.

Always glad to further the cause
of education, Miss Alba.

Always glad.

Look around your feet there. Hm?

Wanna raise your feet?

That's it.

OK.

I'm glad your ships have such
excellent marksmanship, Mr Siegel.

But I do wish their shells
had missed my schoolhouse.

Allow me to remind you,
Miss Alba,

that this Schoolhouse was used
as a storage place for enemy bombs.

Oh, you were quite within
your rights, Mr Siegel.

But it was such a nice
School House.

You know, you should have spoken
to those congressmen about it.

You mean the day you gave me
a husband and four children?

No three,
that fourth one was your idea.

Hey...

I've been spending more time
at the base Library lately

than I have been
working for the Navy.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Siegel.
- Ah...

- Of course, if you'd rather not...
- Oh, no, no, no, that's-

that's perfectly all right. It's been
a good liberal education for me.

Besides,

it's been the only way
I've been able to see you.

Here's the... the list, Mr Siegel.

Oh, no questions?

No.

Oh.

Well, then do you mind if I
ask you a question, Miss Alba?

Of course not.

How long does it take
for a Tuluran girl

to get around to calling a man
by his first name?

I've been coming here
one month now.

That depends, if she
were brought up with him

she'd call him always
by his first name.

But when they've only recently
become acquainted,

I'm afraid it might take
three or four years.

Three or four years?

Well, well, how do you folks
ever manage to get married then,

let alone have children?

- Why, Mr Siegel...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

- where I come from, it takes 5 minutes.
- To have children?

No... for...

no, for two people to call each other
by their first names.

Customs different, Mr Siegel.

And some of yours
are just as strange to us.

I saw an American Motion Picture once;

the girl permitted
the man to kiss her

- after knowing him for
only a few months. - Mm.

Is that customary there?

Well... it happens.

Later in the picture,

she permitted similar liberties,
with different men.

Quite a few men.

What was the name
of that picture?

I thought that behaviour
quite, uh, eccentric.

Hm. You did, huh?

- Yes.
- Hm.

You see, here in Tulura,

even though a girl is not married

she is still the property

of the man who will
someday claim her.

And she must hold herself
for that man

and that man only.

Actually, isn't that more civilised?

I don't know.

There were quite a few things
you didn't know this week.

Well...

I know now.

Well, goodbye, Miss Alba.

Goodbye, Mr Siegel.

BELL RINGING

That's what it is, rank ingratitude!

After all we've done
for that Ripwell.

Like having his sheets
changed daily.

Listen to this libellous bilge:

"while homesick, underprivileged,
enlisted men

"huddled in their cheerless barracks,

"I witnessed ground
being broken today

on a spectacular new officer's club
and recreation palace."

"Including a kidney-shaped
tile lined swimming pool."

Well, now, that's a downright lie.

That swimming pool
is to be lined with cement.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

What's he trying to do,
incite the enlisted men to mutiny?

We could give up
the swimming pool?

- But we'd still have the beach.
- Never.

Officers are entitled to a club.

Are there any other ideas?

KNOCKING ON DOOR
- Argh!

Ahem.

Well, it's you Rip,
so good to see you.

Won't you come in?

I'm not coming any place, Nash,
I have a deadline to meet.

You do know what a
deadline is, don't you?

All right then. Do you or
do you not have a statement

on what the Navy intends to do
about the new officer's bath house,

swimming pool, dance hall
and nightclub bar.

Two bars.

Or do I file a story for my
two and one half million readers

that the Navy refuses to comment?

You know what I wish
at times like this?

I wish I were back with Merrill Lynch,

Pierce, Fenner and Beane.

Don't give up the ship, sir.

Think big, sir.

What would John Paul Jones
have done?

What John Paul would have done.

Gentlemen, I have come through.

I have dredged up
a piece of daring strategy.

We, the officers,

will build this club ourselves.

You mean put up the club
with our own hands?

Sounds a bit drastic

but no one, not even Ripwell,
could object if we build our own club.

The Seabees have done
most of the groundwork.

All we have to do
is borrow their tools.

So, gentlemen,

any officer who volunteers
to lend a hand

will report at the club site,
in fatigues

at 0800 tomorrow morning.

And that includes everybody.

'I've Been Working On The Railroad'
MUSIC

Tyson!

Tyson,

these vent pipes,
get them up there!

Yes, sir.

Urgh!

CLATTERING AND HAMMERING

CRASHING AND BANGING

Lively, sailor, to the cement mixer.

- But, sir...
- On the double!

Oh, Gladstone,
we need that plank over there.

Go up there and help Pendleton
with the block.

Scorecard names and numbers.

Can't tell the players
without the scorecard.

Where's the cement?

Tyson, what's holding up the cement?

Achoo!

I'm sorry, sir, but
I can't help but I...

I'm allergic to this stuff.

Allergic?

Achoo!

How did you get a commission
with a disability like that?

I couldn't say, sir.
Well, evidently, the

Navy doctors didn't figure that
an ensign would be mixing cement.

CLANGING

CRASHING AND BANGING

Tyson, you're...

Don't try to avoid me.

I'm sorry, sir.

If you don't know what to do
with that plank, drop it.

- Yes, sir.
- Ah!

Or do something.

- What do you want me to do, sir?
- Anything!

Come down from there!

Help me with that ladder.

Be careful now.

All right now, come on.

CRASHING

Siegel, the roofing paper.

Can I have some of that
tar paper up here?

Hey, watch out. Hey!

CRASHING AND BANGING

CLANGING

- Who is it?
- It's Hereford, sir, he's out.

Well, bring him to.

HAMMERING

Now look alive, lads. Don't stand
there thinking, get some planks.

Yes, sir.

Did you hear me? I said move!

I can't, sir, someone
nailed my shoes to the floor.

Skylarking.

Achoo!

Bless you.

Little more...

little more...

CRASHING

too much.

I need a hammer,
somebody toss me a hammer.

Hey...

That's it, man could get hurt
down here!

I'm sorry, sir.

- You all right, Brad?
- Fine, sir, fine.

Good boy.

CLANGING AND CRASHING

Oh...

Help! Help!

Help, get me out of here!

Don't just stand there,
get up and help him.

- Yes, sir.
- Hurry up.

- Help!
- Come on, come on.

Help!

No, no, not my head,
push the rocks apart.

Oh.

CRASHING

BANGING

Well, help me get this stuff off him.

Look, I've been wounded in action.

- Siegel, the roofing paper.
- Yeah.

WHOOSHING

THUD

Whoa!

Thanks.

Hey!

Oh, oh...

Oh!

Brad, why are you
lying down on the job?

Why aren't you at your station?

The heat, sir, I feel a little giddy.

We're all feeling the heat,
just ignore it.

Tell yourself it's nothing,
nothing at all.

Roger?

Help! Help!

YELLING AND SHOUTING

Get away!

Get away!

Whoa!

Commander,
you better call this off.

- Who are you?
- State of Florida, Navy construction.

I suggest you get
all your men off this building.

Oh, you do. Now look here... Ohhh!

Help! Help! Help!

Stop! Stop this!

Help...!

PLOP

This is worse than Dunkirk.

Why don't you just give up and...

Listen...

- What is your date of commission?
- April 1st.

I outrank you by three days,
this is under my command.

Man, I was just trying to advise you.

I do not need your advice
nor do I need your help.

This operation is going ahead flank speed!

Flank speed, do you hear?

SPLAT

Gentlemen,

we may have lost the battle

but the victory is ours.

Ripwell has killed his story.

I've also heard from
sink pack Fleet they, uh,

they suggest that in the future
we allow these Seabees to take care of

construction and that we
limit ourselves to public relations.

I believe, sir, that the exact
phrase was: "tend to our knitting."

Speaking of knitting, sailors,

you not only have not been
tending to your knitting,

you have not been knitting very...!

Do you realise there has not been a
Navy story on the front page for weeks.

The Army's been getting
all the publicity.

They have showmen in the army.

What we need is
a personality, a hero.

What about Admiral Boatwright?

Oh, no, no.

The people back home, they're not
interested in big brass and heroes,

they want to read about
the enlisted men.

You know, the little guy who
jerks sodas at the corner drugstore?

- That's right, Siegel.
- Ah.

That's exactly who
they're interested in.

The civilian in uniform.

Somewhere out on that
vast blue Pacific is the-

the typical young Navy man.

Every mother's son,
every daughter's sweetheart.

Gentlemen,

I propose to find him.

Sailors,

this is the most explosive idea
I've ever dreamed up.

Garrett?

Yes, sir.

Hey.

You off today?

No, sir, I...

was gonna go into the office but thought
I'd come down and look at the ship.

- Pretty nice view, huh?
- Yeah.

Still hoping for sea duty
aren't you, Garrett?

Yes, sir.

Sir...

Hm?

Sir, can I speak to you man to man?

Why sure, sit down.

Well...

it's about...

Lieutenant Alice... Tomlen, sir.

I just don't think
I can take it anymore.

Take what?

Just being around her, sir.

Smelling her perfume,
watching her put on lipstick.

The way she smiles...

the way she...
crosses her legs.

Why in blazes don't you get
Pendleton to get somebody else?

No sir, I couldn't do that!

Well, I mean...

it's torture being with her, sir...

with them.

It's even more torture
when I'm not.

Even Battleship Mary
looks good to you right now, hm?

Oh no, sir, it's not like that at all.

She's a good girl, sir.

Well... running around
with a married man...

But she doesn't know
he's married, sir.

Besides he's...

well, he's kind of the
glamour boy of the island.

She's flattered, that's all.

- You want to know something, sir?
- What?

I think she likes me.

You know what happened last night?

Well, I have a pretty good idea.

Mr Siegel.

Well...

well, anyway, last night

we stopped at what looked like
a pretty good beach

but just to make sure,
Mr Pendleton got out to check it.

It was the first time
we'd ever been alone.

You know what she said to me?

She said:

"Garrett,

"I just want you to know,

"I realise this is a little hard for you."

She has a sense of humanity, sir.

Well, no, she-she thought about
how all this was affecting me.

Me, sir.

And I can't even date her, no matter
how I feel. I can't even touch her hand.

Well, it's probably one of the most
ancient of Navy rules, you know, Garrett.

What would happen
to discipline if

enlisted men started
necking with officers, huh?

Oh, please, Mr Siegel,
I'm going nuts!

Look, if this were peace time,

Lieutenant Alice Tomlen,
and a matter of fact anyone,

would prefer you
to that creep Pendleton.

But as it is...

Ah, you know how it is.

You know something?

Hey, you know maybe, uh,

I can do a little public service
and upset his little gravy train.

You think you can hold out
for a few more days?

I mean, I mean nights, huh,
you think you can?

I'll try, sir.

Good boy.

All together now. Make it
real bloodthirsty. All right.

Yankee soldier, you die!
Yankee soldier, you die!

Whoo!
GUNSHOT

SCREAMING
- It's a trap, sir, they've hit a tyre!

Take her through,
get her to the barracks!

- Yankee soldier, you die!
SCREAMING

- Yankee soldier, you die!
CRASH

SCREAMING
- Yankee soldier, you die!

Yankee soldier, you die!
Yankee soldier, you die!

GUNSHOTS

That's what they're doing. They're gonna
kill us. Garrett, what are we gonna do?

What do you mean, Garrett?
I'm senior in command.

- I know, but Garrett's got the gun.
- You better give me your side arm.

Did you ever fire a .45, sir?

Well, I have.

Well, why doesn't somebody do something?
Why doesn't something happen?

Yankee soldier, you die!
Yankee soldier, you die!

GUNSHOTS

Whoo-hoo!
GUNSHOTS

- Fire, for Pete's sake, fire.
- In what direction, sir?

How should I know, just fire.

GUNSHOTS

They've gone, ma'am.

But why did they take him?
Why did they take him and leave us?

Well, I don't know ma'am... sir,
senior command, I guess.

Well, we've got to do something
about that. We...

we've got to get help.

Yes, ma'am.

WAVES BREAKING

- Garrett.
- Yes, ma'am?

I don't think I can go any further.

Do you think it would make
any difference if we...

sat down for a minute?

Yes, ma'am, I think it'd be all right
but just for a minute.

I know of a nice big ledge over there.

Yes, ma'am, I know you do.

WAVES BREAKING

I'm sorry you're so upset, ma'am.

Not a very good example for an officer
to set an enlisted man, is it?

I wouldn't let that
worry you, ma'am, I...

after all I'm a man
and you're a woman.

I'm also a naval officer.

Yes, ma'am.

In the dark I couldn't see
those bars on your collar.

It is dark, isn't it?

You know,
I can hardly see your face.

I can't see you
very well either, ma'am.

I know you're there,
I can smell your perfume.

We better get going.

Do you love him, ma'am?

It's not quite
a proper question, is it?

No, it isn't. Do you?

I gotta know, ma'am.

Because if you don't,

you're making a terrible mistake.

Staying out half the night
with him,

letting him show you
the Grunion running. Why,

if I was your father, I-I'd
smack your bottom for you...

ma'am.

You know, I could put you
on report for this?

Yes, ma'am, I know you could.

I think I will.

You just do that, ma'am,
that's what you want, you go ahead.

Tell them I was
insubordinate to you.

Tell them...

tell them I fell in love
with a naval officer.

And while you're at it
tell them about the raid tonight,

tell them it was a fake,
a put up job.

Those Japs weren't Japs,
they were Tulurans.

The whole lousy thing
was a frame.

You...

you mean that raid
didn't really happen?

That's right.

You did it just so you could...

Don't you have anybody
out here, Garrett?

I'm an enlisted man,
what chance have I got?

Well, there must be
somebody at home waiting.

There was, she didn't wait.

How long have you been out here?

Two years.

It's a long time.

You have no idea.

Ma'am...

you just don't know how miserable it's
been for me the past couple of weeks.

Being around you...

looking at you...

watching you smile at him.

What's your first name?

Adam.

You don't really think I cared
about him, do you, Adam?

Oh, ma'am,
I know you're a lieutenant JG

and I'm just a yeoman
second class but...

Not second class.

Never second class, Adam.

Oh, ma'am.

Adam...

take this off.

Throw it away.

Oh, ma'am.

Stop calling me ma'am.

CANON BLAST

Morning, Garrett.

Morning, sir.

Well, did it work?

Yes, sir...

it worked.

Yeah, well, I figured it would.

She has so much humanity.

- Oh, indeed she does, sir.
- Mm.

- Sir?
- Hm?

What are we gonna do now? We can't
very well stage a raid every night.

I know, Pendleton will catch on
after the first dozen or so.

On the other hand,
though, Garrett,

we get we mustn't let the
Navy nurse corps down here.

- Oh, no sir.
- Oh, no.

Maybe I'll start dating
Lieutenant Tomlen myself.

Sir?

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE STOPS

- Watch relieved.
- Thank you, sir.

Carry on.

BRAKES SQUEAKING

Good afternoon, Miss Alba.

I brought you a present.

That's very kind of you, Mr Siegel,
but I couldn't possibly accept.

Well, I sent all the way
to San Francisco for this.

That was very thoughtful,
unfortunately, I can't accept it.

Well, you know I went
to an awful lot of trouble.

I'm sorry, Mr Siegel
but no one asked you to.

Oh, they didn't, well you
know that's just too bad

because, by golly, you're at least
going to look at it.

Come here.

Mr Siegel, I cannot accept
a gift from you.

It may be different in America

but in Tulura young women are not
allowed to accept gifts from men,

unless they're, uh...

Unless what, Miss Alba?

It... just isn't done.

That's all.

No use you altering it.

Oohh!

Come here. Oh, come on,
take a look, eh?

It's not going to violate any
Tuluran custom just to look.

ALL: Please, Miss Alba. Please.

Very well, Mr Siegel,
for the children's sake, I look.

Oh, yeah, for the children's sake.

Well, come around here,
I think you can see better, eh?

Oh, come on, relax, Miss Alba,
it's not going to bite you.

Go ahead, open it up.

------

Why, it's the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Yeah, well, now you can
do your own homework.

Oh, Max.

I'm glad you like it, Melora.

Like it? It's wonderful!

Children, look, all these words

and the pictures,
the beautiful pictures!

It was wonderful of you
to do this for the children.

Well, I-I didn't do it
only for the children.

You see...

you see, I-I figured that, uh...

if I didn't have so many
questions to look up,

maybe you and I could
get around to more...

you know, personal matters?

Would you like to come home
with me out of school, Max?

Meet my father?

I'd be delighted.

Must have cost a great deal.

That's the best investment
I ever made.

What's wrong?

Page 36 in the guidebook:

Native Tulurans live in rectangular
houses with thatched roofs.

Many of us do.

It's beautiful.

It was beautiful.

I should have worn a tie.

Good afternoon, Papa.

You're early, my dear.

This is Lieutenant Siegel
of the United States Navy.

- How do you do, sir.
- How do you do.

- Melora has mentioned you, Mr Siegel.
- She has?

But she neglected to tell me
how strong you were.

Oh, I beg...
I beg your pardon.

Won't you sit down.

Thank you.

Would you care for a cigar?

Thank you.

- Gracias, Senor.
- Oh, you speak Spanish.

SPEAKS IN SPANISH

Oh, you don't speak Spanish. Ahem.

Tell me, Mr Siegel, what part of
the United States do you come from?

Well, I come from Boston, sir.

I was born in Ohio but my family
moved to Boston when I was very young.

Now my family lives
in New York City.

Americans are quite restless,
aren't they?

Ah, Boston is often referred to
as the first cradle of democracy.

- Is that so?
- Yes, sir.

I was under the impression
it was ancient Greece.

Oh.

Well, maybe it was the second cradle?

- I believe Mr Siegel's right, Papa.
COUGHS

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

Is the cigar too strong for you,
lieutenant?

Oh, no, it's a very-very good cigar, sir.
Quite good.

COUGHING CONTINUES

- Would you like a glass of water?
- No, no.

No, no, it's all right, sir.

I, uh...

just that I'm not used to such, uh,
good cigars as these.

You see my...

at the Navy Store the cigars

aren't of such an excellent quality.

As a matter of fact,
I found Boston quite enjoyable.

- Oh, you've been to Boston, sir?
- Only once.

I went there, uh, with the remote thought
of putting Melora, for a year or two,

into one of those schools, uh,
Radcliffe or Wellesley.

I decided not to.

I'm a Harvard man myself.

Ah, yes, Harvard.

It is perhaps one of
the better schools.

In the United States, that is.

I've even heard people from Europe
say it's a good school, Papa.

There's some very charitable
people in Europe, my dear.

SPLUTTERS

- You look a bit pale, Mr Siegel.
- Hm?

Perhaps the blend
does not agree with you?

Oh, no, no, it's just-just fine.

It's just fine.

Speaking of Radcliffe
and Wellesley

from the looks of some
of the young ladies there,

I wasn't quite sure whether
it was co-educational or not.

I had the strange feeling
that one of the purposes

of the Eastern colleges
in the United States

was to change
American women into men!

You know, I've had the same feeling
about that myself sometimes, sir.

Ah, then you too, prefer
the European educational system.

Oh...

well, I couldn't very well say, sir.
I've never been to Europe.

Is that so? But how...

There is a war on, Papa,
how could the lieutenant possibly go?

Ah, yes, the war.

Ah, Tulura was quite the ----

How do you find our island,
Mr Siegel?

Oh, um, I find this, um...

one of the most...

interesting places that
I've ever... been.

Good.

I have a deep love
for Tulura, naturally,

and certainly my family
will always be part of it

but the love is better preserved
if mixed with frequent stays in Europe.

Yeah.

LAUGHS

Well, it's been very interesting having
someone from the Navy call on us.

Why don't you take it with you?

Possibly you'll enjoy it more
in the open air.

Mm... thank you very much.

Oh, uh, Mr Alba,

I wonder if I could invite
you and Melora

to be my guests tomorrow night
at the Officers Club.

You see, there's a dance.

That's very thoughtful of you, Mr Siegel,
but I don't dance.

And I'm afraid I don't allow Melora
to appear in places of that nature.

Yes, sir.

Yes... sir...

Max.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for asking me.

- I appreciate you coming to meet Papa.
- Well...

I don't think your father
feels the same way.

You have to get used to Papa.

It doesn't look like
I'm gonna get the opportunity.

Well...

goodbye, Miss Alba.

This is magnificent.

Ah.

- You know chess sets?
- Oh, yes sir.

Yes, my father and I, any spare money
we had we spent on chess sets.

We've had some very fine ones
in our home but nothing...

nothing compared to these.

Would you like to
see them more closely?

Yes, sir, I consider that
a rare privilege.

This is my masterpiece. A Medici.

She closely resembles the
Ruben's portrait in the Louvre.

Done in the same period.

- Here, take it.
- Oh, no, no, I wouldn't dare.

No, no, it's quite all right.

It's beautiful.

Do you play?

Yes, sir.

As a matter of fact,
I was College champion.

Would you care for a game,
Mr Siegel?

I'd be most happy
to have a game with you, sir.

Melora, tell ----
we have a guest?

- You'll stay, won't you?
- Yes, sir, I'll stay.

Good.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Good evening, lieutenant.
Enjoying yourself?

Oh, immensely, thank you.

- I was addressing Miss Tomlen.
- Oh, sorry, wrong lieutenant.

Psst.

- Yeah?
- Not so close...

- Oh, yeah.
- ...sir.

Hey, I hear they got the roof
on the new officer's club today.

- The Officer's Club? That's where
I got my purple heart. - Ha ha ha!

This is not a private war.

This war is the property of the American
public. - Another beer, bartender.

Oh, hi there, buddy bud.
Come on, I'll buy you a little drink.

Rig up a drink for the Admiral,
will you? Here, take it out of this.

- Oh, oh, wrong bill.
- Jeepers, a thousand dollar bill.

Wanna feel it?

Go ahead, look at it.
Look what it says on the back.

Read it out loud.

- "To my favourite..."
- Favourite war correspondent...

Yeah, I'm trying, Mr...

"...for service above
and beyond the call of duty,

"namely a perilous black frot raid
and a B-29 over Tokyo Japan

resulting in the destruction
of critical Japanese War Industry."

- How about that, huh?
- Yeah, very nice.

That's the kind of guy
I work for.

Tell me, Mr Ripwell, what's a man like
who'll do a thing like that?

What's he like?
He's a newspaper man.

He's got that sixth sense
about what the public wants.

Hard-working, generous.
He's really a good egg.

Of course, personally, he's a puritan,
he doesn't drink or smoke.

He once fired a great city editor

because the guy was
fooling around with dames.

You gonna cash it here, sir?

Cash it? I'll never cash it.
That's a souvenir I'm gonna keep.

Cigarettes, please.

That's a pretty expensive souvenir
to be carrying around, isn't it?

Mm.

Why don't you take it
over to the airstrip

and show it to some of those
PFC crewmen

who make the same rate
10 times a month for 100 bucks?

Oh, watch it, buster.

I may transfer my dirty laundry detail
from junior here over to you.

Don't get excited,
I just changed my mind.

So, you get around this island
quite a lot don't you, Seagull?

Enough.

Yeah, but when you're jungle hopping
around why don't you line me up

with one of these Tuluran belles?
You know, not too old or too fat.

Well, I'm sorry,

but procuring supplies comes under
the head of another department.

PARTY MUSIC PLAYING

Stop trying to lead will you,
you're the dame.

All right. All right.

Ready, Garrett?

- Ready, willing and able, sir.
- Let's go.

RAIN AND THUNDER

- Problem four is 200.
- 200.

I had 198, that's wrong.

200.

Next.

Uh, problem five is 1,000.

1,000.

One...

Have you ever seen
a $1,000 bill, Melora?

No. Why?

Quite a sight.

You've seen one?

Yeah, last night.

Ripwell's publisher sent him one.

What I couldn't do with a $1,000.

Why, it's enough to build
a whole new school house.

You don't think
he'd care to donate it?

Well, I don't think that, uh,
Gordon Ripwell

considers himself a patron
of Tuluran education.

Besides, the publisher,
he autographed it.

You know, like a... souvenir?

Ripwell says he's going to
carry it with him all his life.

Well, that means
he doesn't need the money.

Don't you think a school house
is more important than a souvenir?

What difference does it make
what I think? Hm?

I don't have a 1,000 bucks.

Well, it wouldn't hurt
to ask him, would it?

If you knew Gordon Ripwell, you'd know
it's ridiculous to even think about it.

- We need another bucket.
- Or another school. - Yeah.

You know, Max,
maybe here in the village

could do something for him
in return for the $1,000.

What in the world could a girl
like you do for a man that keeps

$1,000 bills as souvenirs?

Ohhh...

No. No, no, no, it's uh...

What is it?
- No, no, on the other hand...

- What? What's the matter?
- Why not... eh?

Well... can I be-

can I be real frank
with you, Melora?

- Of course you can, Max.
- I can? - Yes.

- All right then, do you
have a girlfriend? - Yes.

- Is she pretty?
- Very.

Do you think your girlfriend
will do me a favour?

Something that maybe gets you
a new school house and also

gets my friend out of carrying
Ripwell's dirty laundry. - Of course.

All right, now listen very carefully.
Here's what your girlfriend...

THUNDER

WHISTLING

KNOCKING

Mr Ripwell?

That's me baby, Gordon Ripwell
of the Chicago Gazette.

Open up.

Come in, Mr Ripwell,
I've been expecting you.

Hi, baby.

KNOCKING

What do you guys
think you're doing?

You guys gone crazy or something?

Mr Ripwell, I should like to
present to you with your laundry.

So you have gone crazy.

I could have you busted for this.
And you too.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
before you have us busted... buster,

we'd like to entertain you
with a little rendition

especially recorded
for this occasion.

And now...

as a public service the
Tuluran broadcasting system

presents another episode

in the Romantic Adventures
of Gordon Ripwell.

Yay!
CLAPPING

Mr Ripwell?

Yeah, baby.

Gordon Ripwell of the
Chicago Gazette. Open up.

Come in, Mr Ripwell,
I've been expecting you.

Baby, are you built.

Sit down, Mr Ripwell.

Enjoy the programme.

What do you want,
Mr Ripwell?

You know darn well
what I want, baby.

You turn that thing off!
Turn it off!

I think you should hear just
a little bit more, don't you, Max?

Yeah, just a little bit more.

Oh, baby, are you built.
How old are you, honey?

17. I'm just 17.

17, huh?

That's just the way I like 'em,
young and tender.

Come on, baby,
let's stop horsing around,

-have a little kiss.
- OK.

But before we kiss,
I think I should tell you,

they are putting me
in quarantine tomorrow.

Quarantine? What for?

Haemaclosis.

Haemaclosis. What's that?

Oh, just a little native disease
we have here on the island.

Get away from.
Don't touch me!

You let me outta here!
CRASH, BANG

Ooh, poor Rip,

he tripped over the bucket.

All right, you rats, how much
do you want for the tape?

Well, I just don't want to have to
carry your dirty sheets anymore.

OK, junior.
All right, give me the tape.

Wait a minute.

You haven't asked me
what I want.

All right, what's yours?

You know that school house where
you held your romantic interlude?

It's pretty shabby, isn't it?

How would I know?!

Well, I've been doing
a little bit of checking

and I find that the materials to build
a brand new school house will cost

approximately 1,000 bucks.

The Seabees,
they'll do the work free.

That's blackmail!

Sure is.

Yep, just plain, little old blackmail.

Well, you won't
get away with it!

Headquarters will be
happy to learn that

you've been using Navy recording
machines for blackmail correspondence.

Headquarters will be so happy they'll
probably dream up a court-martial!

Yes, oh, they probably will.

But in the meantime,
that great American puritan,

the publisher of
the Chicago Gazette,

oh, he's going to be most
interested in hearing about the

Romantic Adventures

of his Ace Pacific correspondent

with 17 year old Tuluran girls.

And you know something?

He might even dream up
a new correspondent.

Well?

Hmph.

You think you got me
by the tail, don't you?

That's where we think
we've got you.

So do I.

Tell me, you two no-good lice,

where did you hide that mic?

For a 1,000 bucks,
I think I got the right to know.

"Oh baby, are you beautiful."

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGING

SEAGULL SQUAWKING

Now, hear this! Hear this!

Farragut Jones will
hit Tulura tomorrow.

I can see it now,

lean limbs, clear eyes,
rosy cheeks.

The epitome of fine,
young Navy manhood.

- Excuse me, commander...
- Excuse me, command...

Excuse me, commander,
who is Farragut Jones?

Who is he? He's our typical young
Navy man, that's who he is.

Ocean's mate, second class,
Farragut Jones

of the USS Ankletooth.

Obviously named after two
of our greatest naval heroes.

David Farragut... John Paul Jones.

I personally selected him from
all the candidates submitted.

We're going all out
on this boy, sailors.

Now, first we'll have him here
for a few days orientation

on the purpose of his trip.

Which in broad terms is to
sell the Navy's story back home.

Then I've arranged
a big celebration

in his hometown
of Appleton, Nebraska,

where he'll be greeted
by the governor.

From there he'll be
flown to Washington

where he'll address
a joint session of Congress.

Next stop, the White House.

This page is devoted to
Farragut Jones in Hollywood.

He'll be paraded down
Sunset Boulevard,

sitting among a bevy
of movie queens

atop a royal float fashioned
in the shape of a minesweeper.

Yeah, there's more in the same vein,
men, but those are the highlights.

All we need now is an officer to
chaperone Jones around the island.

Be a wet nurse to the boy.

Volunteers?

No one wants to volunteer, eh?

He'll be diaper changing
the whole crowd.

I heard that, Siegel.

Do you know what we might do back at
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Beane?

I haven't the slightest idea, sir.

We might just give a job
to the very man who opposed it.

That's a very interesting policy, sir.

What's the philosophy behind it?

No philosophy, we just did it.

Siegel,

Farragut Jones is yours.

Hey, Jones?

Oceans mate, second class,
Farragut Jones?

He doesn't look like
the typical young Navy man?

Are you Farragut Jones?

No, sir.

Too bad.

Anybody here seen Farragut Jones?

Who wants to know?

Watch yourself.

You're...

you're Farragut Jones?

I'd like to know what [HORN BLOWS]
is all about, sir.

- Watch your language.
- What's the matter with my language?

All's I said was, I'd like to know what
[HORN BLOWS] is all about.

I got rights.
I got rights to know what gives.

I've been in the Navy a long time,
you know, I ain't... [HORN BLOWS]

- Now, we gathered that.
- I think we better get him out of here.

- Yeah, get in the jeep.
- Where are we goin'?

Wait a minute... watch-watch
the shirt, I'm an enlisted man.

All right, just get in the jeep.

Now let's get this straight:

you weren't sent here as a punishment
and you're not gonna be put in the brig.

[HORN BLOWS] too right I ain't. So?

You're gonna be sent on a nice
long trip back to the States.

You're gonna visit the war plants,
you're gonna talk to the workers there.

Yeah?

It's about time somebody
told off those [HORN BLOWS]

Well, that's not exactly
the purpose of your visit.

OK, if I take off the [HORN BLOWS]
it's [HORN BLOWS] hot in here.

Now look, if you're going to make speeches
you got to stop using that word.

Now, you gotta just forget it,
you gotta just completely forget it.

How can I forget it? I know it.

Yes, I know you know it.

Now, what's that?

That's the Battle Lake Erie.
I had that done in Seattle.

That's a dame.
I had that done in San Diego.

Oh, she's lovely.

That's a mermaid.
See, you can tell by the tail.

Yeah, well,
I thought she looked different.

See the heart? "Mother."

As long as you got one of them,
you can never drown.

Well, I'll have one done tomorrow.

What's this?

"Hot" and "Cold."

- Get Marblehead.
- Right.

'Hot' and 'Cold.'

We're sending him to Hollywood...

to be photographed with movie stars...

in swimming pools.

Well, if I were you,
I'd think twice about that, sir.

You are not me, Tyson.

And it's a pretty repulsive idea.

Yes, sir.

Get back in there
and work on him.

Teach him how to speak.

Freshen him up.

Look, this is not a case
of freshening up, sir.

This is a case of a...
a complete overhaul.

Well then,
get back in there and do it.

We can't change course now,
we've got our backs to the bulkhead.

If we don't produce
a decent Farragut Jones

the Navy department will think
we're all as loony as gay birds.

We'll have a board
of Admirals out here...

Shh.

We'll have a board of Admirals
out here investigating us

to say nothing
of Admiral Boatwright.

Who mistakenly thinks that we are not
too vital to the war effort, anyhow.

Now get back in there
and go to work.

And keep him locked up.

You have exactly 3 days.

- Tyson.
- Yes, sir.

Three days?

I never can understand how a man
can allow himself to be tattooed.

Oh, you see, sir, one of them
keeps him from drowning.

BRAKES SQUEAKING

- Oh, sir?
- Yes?

Ready for escort duty, sir.

Oh... yes.

Well...

Garret, something's come up, I don't
think I'm gonna be able to make it tonight.

No, sir. Well...

when do you suppose
you might be able to?

I don't know.

I got troubles.

Is that drinking whisky, sir?

Well, it ain't rubbing alcohol.

I ain't seen none of that [HORN BLOWS]
stuff in two [HORN BLOWS] years.

All right, now look Farragut,
I'll make a deal with you.

You stop using that word and I'll
give you a drink of this, all right?

Come on. Let's see if you can talk for
one minute without using that word.

Starting...

right now.

Well, don't just sit there,

come on, say something.

- What'll I say?
- Well, anything.

No, I tell you what, now look,
you repeat after me:

the Ankletooth is a great ship.

The Ankletooth is a great...
that's a [HORN BLOWS] lie.

Now, you're not trying, now,
you're-you're not trying.

You could do it if you really try.
Now come on, come on.

The Ankletooth is a great ship.

The Ankletooth is...

a great ship.

That's a boy.

That's enough.

Oh.

Blimey, that's great
[HORN BLOWS] stuff.

Jones!

WHEELS SQUEAK.

Psst. Psst.

Hey.

Adam.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

- Where's Lieutenant Siegel?
- He couldn't make it.

Adam, we shouldn't do this.

CAR REVS

I think they saw us.

All right, let's... ahem.

Let's try it again, come on.

Fellow war winners,

we boys in the ships
consider you

the lifeline of the Navy.

Fellow war winners...
What does that there mean?

Never mind what it means,
just say it!

Look Farragut, if you
don't want to learn this,

you just say so and
we'll get somebody else!

I mean, there's a lot of guys
that would give their eye teeth

to horse around
out there in Hollywood.

- Ahh!
- Yeah!

Think of all the dames
out there, Farragut.

And how would you like
to be out there right now,

sitting on a couch with
one of them? Hm?

Nice blonde,

with long hair,

you know, kind of young,
one of those...

tight fitting dresses on.

Yeah, she's sitting
right beside you, Farragut.

And she puts her head
right down on your shoulder.

And then she reaches up

and she nibbles at your ear.

And then she looks right up
into your eyes, Farragut.

She looks right into your eyes
and she puckers up her lips.

Puckers them up
for you, Farragut.

For you.

Don't get nobody else, sir.

I'll do anything you want,
anything you want.

All right, say it:
The Ankletooth is a great ship!

The Ankletooth is a great ship!

- And I'll be good to war workers!
- And I'll be good to war workers!

- And stop scratching your chest!
- I'll stop scratching my chest!

And don't take your
jumper off in public!

And don't ever
take my jumper off...

Not even when I'm horsing around
with those Hollywood tomatoes?

That's not in public, you idiot.
At least I hope not.

Here, go ahead,
have another drink.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Fellow war winners,
I want you to know

that we boys out on the ships

consider you the lifeline of the Navy.

Today's Navy is not just
a collection of ships.

Today's Navy is a team.

We must work together like a team.

In closing, I just want to say

the U.S Navy is the greatest
Navy in the world

and I'm proud to be part of it.

APPLAUSE

Excellent, Nash, excellent.

Just the right blend of
wholesomeness and humility.

Thank you, sir, thank you.

Well done, sailor.

Thanks.

May I say a word of my own, sir?

- Oh, no.
- Why certainly my boy, what is it?

I just want you to know that
the man that learned me that speech

is Lieutenant Max Siegel.

The best [HORN BLOWS] officer
I ever served under.

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

Sailors,

the most serious thing in my entire
Naval command has happened.

One of the most unusual problems
I've ever had to cope with.

What is it, commander?

An enlisted man is dating an officer.

- What?
- No, no, no, a nurse officer.

Great Scott, who is it?

Yeoman second class Garrett

has been secretly dating
Lieutenant Alice Tomlen.

Hey there, Ross, isn't that
the babe you used to go with?

Oh, I may have had
a date or two with her.

Oh, come now,
you were given the big rush.

So, the great lover had a woman
taken away from him, huh?

And by an enlisted man.

I'm not the only one.
How about Siegel?

- You were dating her too, Siegel?
- I'm afraid I was, sir.

As if my own yeoman would do a
thing like this behind my back.

Well, I guess if Pendleton here
wasn't good enough for her,

obviously she considered me
equally lacking.

Lacking? Who's lacking?

Any woman who thinks I'm lacking
needs a psychiatrist.

Now knock it off!

An enlisted man
has been dating an officer.

Siegel...

have you noticed Garrett
acting strangely lately?

No.

No, no, not any more
than any of the rest of us.

But as a matter of fact, lately

I have noticed that he has
been much more relaxed.

Lieutenant Tomlen
would relax the tar out of me.

You mind your rudder, Tyson.

You don't think
it could be a psycho case?

Oh, no, no, no, I know Garrett
pretty well, commander

and I'm sure whatever he did,
it isn't because he's nuts.

No, no.

- He just wanted a woman, that's all.
- Woman?

He's taken a naval officer!

This could call for court martial!

Oh, I'd be very careful
if I were you, sir.

I mean, can you imagine what
would happen with a story like this,

if it got into
the hands of a, uh,

- a man like, say, Gordon Ripwell?
- Ripwell? What do you mean?

Well, you know you know how sentimental
correspondents are, Commander.

You know, I mean the first thing
you know it they'd have it that

- the Navy was crucifying the enlisted.
- Crucify?

That's right. You know,
I can see it now, sir:

Navy Torpedoes Cupid.

He'd do it, too. He'd do it!

He certainly would.

You're not gonna let
Garrett get away with this?

Why, he's not going to do
anything of the kind, Ross. No, sir.

This, the commander, he has a
much better punishment in mind.

Yes, and you know something,
I think I know exactly what it is, sir.

You do?

What is the worst punishment
the United States Navy

could give a man in this,
uh, section here?

Hm?

Oh, you said it yourself, sir,
many times, many times.

I have?

What's that?

Sea duty.

Hm?

Hm?

Well, of course.

Sea duty. Heh, heh.

- Exactly what I had in mind.
- Yeah.

- Huh-huh.
- Yeah.

Adam.

Adam!

Adam!

I had to see you again,
I just had to.

I'll write to you every day,
I promise I will.

You won't forget me.

Adam?

Adam, you haven't heard
a thing I've said.

I've never seen you
in the daylight before.

So lovely.

I love you, Alice.

PLANE ENGINES START

And now before we break ground
for this magnificent structure,

it is my pleasure to present to you

the man whose sublime generosity

has made the plans
for this new school possible.

That's the great humanitarian,

that dedicated representative of the
Free Press, Mr Gordon Ripwell.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen and kiddies,

I had once thought of keeping
as a lifelong souvenir,

a thousand dollar bill
that was presented to me

by the great publisher
I am proud to serve.

TRANSLATING

Ohhh.

I happened to hear,

indirectly,

of Tanalolo's need for a school house.

Since the happiness
and welfare of little kiddies

has always been
near and dear to my heart,

I considered it a rare privilege
to make this donation.

However, the real credit for
this edifice belongs not to me

but to this charming lady,

one of your own school teachers,
Miss Melora Alba,

whom I met one memorable evening
right here in this very school house.

APPLAUSE

No one knows better than I,

Gordon Reapwell,

how diligently she worked
for its fulfilment.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Hello.

Why didn't you tell me
you were gonna meet Ripwell?

I couldn't trust anyone else, Max,
I had to do it.

It meant so much
to the children.

You sure have some peculiar
customs on this island.

You can't call a man by his first name,
you can't accept a gift

but you can go out and meet some
crumb in the middle of the night alone.

You realise what
could've happened?

- It was your own idea, Max.
- It wasn't my idea for you.

But Max,
I did nothing wrong.

And if my friend could do it,
why couldn't I?

What is different, I...

I don't know your friend.
I'm not in love with your friend.

Don't you understand?
You're my girl, Melora.

You're my girl.

Am I Max?

Am I your girl?

You're gonna love New York.

There's no place
in the whole world like it.

I know.

Papa took me there
when I was a child.

I'd like very much
to go back there again.

We're gonna go back there
as soon as the war is over.

I've got a good job
waiting for me there.

Family...

friends.

What's the matter?

I...

I-I can't live in New York, Max.

I belong here on the island.

The way I heard it, a woman
belongs with the man she loves.

You could always stay here.

Sure.

I could always stay here,

I could give up everything
I've worked for, my whole future.

Spend the rest of my life
lying around on the beach out there.

That's not for me, Melora.

I want the things back home.

There are things for me here too, Max.

The school, the children.

We could have
children of our own.

But the children here
need me, Max.

There have always been
Albas on the island.

We've always had
responsibility toward it.

I was the only child.

Took Papa as me
as he would a son.

Sent me abroad to study,
gave me every advantage.

They expect me to share
these things with our people.

There'll be much
to be done here, Max.

I see.

You want to remain here
and I go back home alone.

Is that what you want?

No, that's not the way I want it.

I'm sorry.

If I'd known you'd felt that way.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

I'll never be.

I understand.

Come on,
let's go back up.

- Sir, I request a transfer.
- Oh, Siegel...

Sir, I request to transfer
most urgently.

Siegel, you have been
trying to get off this island

ever since the day you arrived.

Frankly, I don't understand it.

Why do you want to leave
this tropic paradise?

Don't you appreciate the important
function that we fulfil here?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

It's just that I feel that I can function
a little better in another area.

Well, torpedo that thought.

I have problems.
Serious problems.

- You're going to stay right here
and help me solve them. - Yes, sir.

Frankly, you can start right now.

A woman correspondent is arriving
today from Madame magazine.

I want you to keep
the old girl happy.

- And just what does that entail, sir?
- Now, how should I know?

Sharpening her pencils,
filling her hot water bottle.

- Whatever it entails, you do it.
- Mm.

Yes, sir.

May I suggest you try it
right side up, sir?

Ahh...

Yeah, we heard.

Too bad, old man, tough break.

You remember that old battleaxe
we had out here about 2 years ago?

How old was she anyway?

I think there's a law
says you have to be over 65.

She sure wasn't breaking it.

I knew a lady correspondent once.

- She had a beard.
- You're kidding?

No. So help me,
she had to shave twice a day.

Oh, great, great.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Well, now...

Huh.

I'm Deborah Aldrich, correspondent
for Madame magazine.

Where can I find
Commander Nash?

- Oh, right in here...
- This way...

Hold it!

- Right this way, Miss Aldrich.
- Thank you.

Tough luck, old man.

You know, she knows darn well

that little piece of black lace
is showing up above her shirt.

You know what she is? A sadist.

I know those black underwear
kind of women.

And just why not?

Now look...!

Now look, Miss Aldrich,
I've told you 10 times now,

it is not customary for
a woman correspondent

to go along on a
combat operation.

It so happens
I've come 5,000 miles

- to do something that is not customary.
- It's impossible.

- You mean you won't even help?
- What can I do?

I'm a lieutenant JG that's next to
the lowest form of Navy life.

I'll just have to go higher.

What is he?

Well, that is a little higher, yes.

- That's-that's an admiral.
- Introduce me.

I can't introduce you to an admiral.
- Why not?

You're both in the same war.

Pardon me.

Haven't we met somewhere?

I don't believe so, miss.

Well, this is one of
the correspondents, sir.

Admiral Junius Boatwright,
Miss Debbie Aldrich.

Hello.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Miss Aldrich.

Won't you join us
for a few moments, Admiral?

I'd be delighted.
Thank you.

Admiral, Lieutenant Siegel and I
have just been discussing something.

- Perhaps you can help.
- Yes.

Now tell me juniors...

Oh, you don't mind me
calling you Juniors, do you?

- When can I go on a combat operation?
- On a ship?

Well, of course,
how else can I get there?

Well, I explained to Miss Aldrich
that it was impossible, sir.

I'm afraid it is, miss.
Quite impossible.

Why?

Well, you see, miss, there are no
arrangements on ship for carrying ladies.

There are no, uh,
separate facilities, so to speak.

Then, I just have to take potluck.

Juniors, why don't you be a good boy
and write me up some orders?

Miss Aldrich, there's a strict rule

against permitting women to reside
or take passage on any ship

without special permission
from the secretary of the Navy.

You mean that's all I have to do?

Why Juniors, why didn't you
say so in the first place?

Excuse me.

I believe mister,

you're familiar with my views
on the public relations outfits

and the lunatics who run it?

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, I'm-I'm very familiar, sir.

Then here's a piece of advice for you:

stay in your loony bin

and stay away from me!

Yes, sir.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oddballs and freaks,
that's what they are,

the whole blasted public relations.

Here I am again.

GRUNT

GRUNT

Delighted.

It's a lovely boat.

Escort Miss Aldrich to her quarters.

MARCHING MUSIC

CHEERING

WHISTLING

WHISTLING AND CHEERING
CONTINUE

Man overboard!
Man overboard!

What kind of a war do you think
we're fighting out here?

I didn't assign her here, sir,
I'm just in charge of her.

Don't tell me who assigned her
you impudent pup.

Do you know how many men
there are on a Heavy Cruiser?

1,712, sir.

Yeah!

And do you realise how long
this ship has been in the Pacific?

31 months and 13 days, sir.

And do you have any notion
what the sight of a woman,

any woman,

but especially that woman,

can do to men who haven't
even seen a woman

in all that time?

Yes, sir.

Yes, I minored in Psychology
at Harvard, sir.

Oh, you did, hey?

Well, I'm placing
a 24-hour watch on her cabin.

No one is allowed up there.

Well, sir, there are
certain coverage problems

which makes it necessary for me
to confer with Miss Aldrich.

You can confer with her
between watches.

We've no room
for deadheads on this ship!

Oh, excuse me,
I'm afraid I need this.

I have a few little things
to rinse out.

Oh, pardon me, are there some
soap flakes on board, Admiral?

GRUNTING

Uh,

I'll have some shipped up
for you from the laundry.

Oh, thank you,
that's very sweet.

Come on boys.

You know what?

Them things were soaking
in the Admiral's basin

when I took the soap chips in.

Yow!

What things!

- NATO Shinto bearing 2732, sir,
just in seven miles. - Right.

- Our battle station's manned
and ready, sir. - Good.

The 29's overhead, sir.

JETS ROARING OVERHEAD

Hepburn,

am I going blind

or are we flying from the mast,

a pair of something

that no one on this ship
has seen for 31 months?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no, sir, no,
no, you're not going blind.

Yes, sir, you've...
correctly identified the object.

Well?

Well, well, sir, uh,
I believe we're the first ship

in Naval history, ever to carry
a woman into combat, sir.

Well, the crew had the idea of...
flying her pennant.

Who got them from her?

Oh, nobody, sir,
she-she heard about the idea

and offered them
to the crew willingly, sir.

Anyhow, sir, that's what
we're fighting for.

OK men,

let's go in and give 'em hell!

CANNONS BLASTING

Can't see a thing.

There's a lot of smoke.

Is this the closest we can get?

Well, they don't drive
heavy cruisers up on the beach.

It's bad for the paint job.

EXPLOSIONS

Now, look over there.

Debbie?

Debbie!

Debbie!

Debbie!

Oh, hey,
have you seen that blonde, uh...

EXPLOSIONS

Have you...?

Get away!

Debbie!

Debbie!

Debbie!

Debbie!

What do you mean
she's not on the ship?

I've had a detail searching, sir.
She's disappeared.

Disappeared?

- Why, how in blazes...?
- I don't know, sir.

Well, one of the gunners mates said he
thought he saw her getting on an LCP.

Get me that public relations oddball.

Bring me that freak.

Yes, sir.

Thanks a lot, boys.
It couldn't have been lovelier.

I enjoyed every moment of it.

Bye.

HOLLERING AND CHEERING

Quiet!

Oh, hello.

- Where have you been?!
- To the war, sweetie.

Now I need a nice hot bath.
Excuse me.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING
- Get this ship underway!

And haul down those...
those bloomers!

Yes, sir.

Max...

I'm worried I haven't heard
from Adam in 3 weeks.

He used to write every day
and now he hasn't written a line.

When a man's on a ship, honey,
he's... he's busy.

I'm worried.
You don't know what it's like

to have an ocean between you
and someone you love.

I guess I don't.

Hey, wait a minute, sonny, come here,
I'll buy you a drink. Not too strong.

No thank you, bartender,
I don't want a drink.

You see the war is over now and I don't
have to drink with Mr Ripwell anymore.

You know, you may be a
great guy to your publisher, sir,

but to me

you're the most repulsive,
objectionable,

loudmouthed human being

that I've ever had the misfortune
of meeting up with.

Junior...

today you are a man.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Give us a couple of drinks here,
will ya?

Why, what's the matter
my little blossom?

This is an occasion for rejoicing.

Not to me. For me the fun's over.

Supply's caught up with the demand.

Oh, lovey, to me
you'll always be in demand.

- I will?
- Yes.

Oh!

GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

Debbie.

- Hey!
- Darlings....

When you get to New York,
give me a ring.

Ross Pendleton,
I'm in the book.

Pendleton? Oh, any relation
to the artist, Phyllis Pendleton?

Yeah... that's, uh,

that's my wife.

Oh, charming. I met her on a
double date a couple of months ago.

- Date?
- Mm-mm.

- Phyllis? - Yes.
- With whom?

I don't remember but he was tall,
dark and handsome and, uh, loaded.

What a beautiful girl. Who is she?

Her name is Melora.

Max?

What?

If I were you,
I do something about that.

You know something? Maybe I will.

Ah, Commander Nash?

Commander Nash, sir?

I wonder would you mind
stepping up to the microphone here.

APPLAUSE

* For He's a Jolly Good Fellow tune *

I think I speak for every man
in the section when I say

there never was a commanding officer
quite like our commanding officer.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Always...

Always, always full of surprises.

But tonight he has even
a bigger surprise for you.

- I have?
- Yes.

I am thinking, sir,
of your, uh, plan

and your idea about the
conversion of this Officers Club.

You see, I know your secret, sir.

- You do?
- Yes. I am...

I'm speaking, sir,

of your plan to request
sync pack fleet

to dedicate this Officers Club

as a recreation centre
for the people of Tulura.

Yay!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am proud to leave this
magnificent edifice behind me

as a monument to public relations.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

I want you to know
that I will retain

fond memories of each
and every one of you,

when I return to my old desk
at the brokerage firm

of Merrill Lynch, Pierce,
Fenner, Beane.

One parting thought
I would like to leave:

can you honestly say
that you have had an expert

go over your Investment
Portfolio recently?

Ha ha ha ha!

CHEERING, LAUGHTER

* For He's a Jolly Good Fellow tune *

Nobody knows any better than I do,

how much this building is going
to mean to the people of Tulura.

Miss Alba assures me there's
still a lot of work to be done

and because of that she feels
she can't leave the island.

So, it seems that, uh,
I have no other choice

but to remain here.

And perhaps,

we can do our part towards

keeping the island
supplied with Albas.

- My dear, I believe the young man
is proposing to you. - Yes.

Is it all right, Papa?

Yes, my dear. I don't feel
that I have lost a daughter

rather, I have gained
a chess partner.

LAUGHTER

PARTY MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

Gentlemen, I should like
to propose a toast.

So, if you will step to the bar and
raise your glasses in the toast

to that battle-scarred flag
of public relations.

Gentlemen.

Hooray!

K