Original subtitles

[people chattering]

[siren wailing]

(man) What's the matter?

Oh, it's just terrible!

I wonder why he'd want to do a thing like that.

Gosh, I hope he doesn't jump off.

Please, please, don't do this terrible thing.

You're young.

You have everything to live for.

You'll be only hurting those who love you .

And think of the loss to science.

Hans, how did he get out there?

Isn't it terrible, Peter?

First I find him with a surgical knife, and now this.

I've tried everything.

Bribery? Bribery, threats, tears.

Then why did you send for me?

You're a psychologist. Use psychology.

On him?

It might work.

Please.

All right, I'll give it a try.

DE very gentle with him.

For days now, he has been sulking.

[people murmuring]

Good morning.

Dad as all that?

[whining]

Long way down. isn't it, Bonzo?

[gibbering]

No. No. No.

Go ahead, Bonzo. I want you to jump.

(Peter) Jump, Bonzo. Jump!

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm trying inverted psychological domination.

(Peter) He should refuse to jump.

Go ahead, Bonzo. I want you to jump.

(Peter) Jump, Bonzo. Jump!

[people exclaiming]

Peter, try something else.

$2,000 he cost the college.

Maybe he'll respond to the Gestalt theory.

Bonzo.

Listen.

Pretty Bonzo?

Nice.

Here, Bonzo.

Yeah. Things look better now, Bonzo?

Happy, Bonzo?

[whining]

It's working. It's working.

Come on. I won't let you fall.

Let's go home. Come on. Come on.

Oh, watch it, Bonzo. Steady! Hey, Bonzo!

[Bonzo exclaiming]

Take it easy.

[people cheering]

Shh!

Come on, Bonzo. I'll get you home.

Now hang on, Bonzo.

[Bonzo whining]

Don't look down.

Watch it, Bonzo. Steady.

Bonzo!

Peter, don't drop Bonzo.

Come on up, Bonzo.

Hang on. Don't be scared, Bonzo.

Take it easy.

(Peter) That's it. Steady, Bonzo.

Bonzo!

Bonzo, don't drop Peter.

Take it easy, Bonzo.

Careful.

Uh, you'll make it. You'll make it.

Come here, you old thing. Come on.

Next time, call a zoo.

I don't know whether to thank you for saving Bonzo,

or to thank Bonzo for saving you.

[panting]

Or Gestalt for saving both of us.

(Dean) Incredible!

That was taken in Joliet.

Incredible!

The minute I saw his picture on this book,

I knew he was the guy.

The professor, eh?

Uh, that was just one of his aliases.

He also operated as Silky.

Yes, sir. The professor was the sharpest con man who ever hit the rock.

Two weeks in stir,

and he had the tobacco and the candy bar concession

right in his pocket.

No fuss, no muss, just angles.

Nothin' but angles.

Why he taught me more than...

[intercom buzzing]

(Miss Swithen) Prof. Boyd is here, sir.

Send him in.

Good morning, sir.

Incredible.

Good morning, Prof. Boyd.

Uh, you wanted to see me?

Yes. I wanted you to meet Mr. , uh...

Breckenridge.

Sure pleased to meet you.

How do you do, sir?

A dead ringer.

Is this gentleman's name familiar to you?

Breckenridge?

I'm afraid not.

I was a pal of your old man's.

I guess he never told you about me.

No, he didn't.

Mr. Breckenridge says, uh,

your father was his, uh, cellmate.

Is that so?

The old professor died in my arms.

It'll be 20 years next November.

When he was buried, there wasn't a dry eye in our cellblock.

He had this sewed in his undershirt.

It's your old lady.

He told me he never saw much of her after you were born.

No. He wanted it that way.

So you're the professor's boy.

That's right.

Took his moniker, too.

Oh, he would've liked that.

Prof. Boyd holds a degree in Psychology.

The old professor did it the hard way, without a degree.

Mr. Breckenridge.

Thanks for bringing this to me.

Oh, I'd have brought it sooner if I could've found you.

Your old man kind of kept you under wraps.

I guess he knew what he was doin'.

Big man, the professor.

I wonder what graceful explanation

we can offer for breaking the engagement.

Breaking the engagement?

Apparently, you don't attach any significance

to Mr. , uh, Breckenridge's visit.

But I do.

Now I know that my father loved my mother till the day he died.

No doubt.

However, I'm referring to the fact that your father was...

An habitual criminal?

Well...

What of it? He paid his debt to society,

as the moralists would put it.

How would you put it, Peter?

My father was born and raised in a slum environment.

Oh, environment.

I would put it this way, Dean Tillinghast.

Given a decent start in life, my father would have gone

just as far in the right direction as he went in the wrong one.

Peter, you studied under Dr. Huxman, the geneticist, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

Did you consider him a good teacher?

An excellent teacher.

Did you agree with his theory

that criminal traits were hereditary?

I did not.

And did you ever cite to Dr. Huxman

your own case as an example?

I certainly did.

You did?

(Peter) Yes.

And did it alter his theory?

No, as a matter of fact,

he and the entire class disagreed with me.

Oh, there you are.

But Dr. Huxman also recognized my right to disagree with him.

So do I , Peter, but...

But I'm no longer good enough to marry your daughter.

You forget that I was a professor of genetics myself.

As a matter of fact, Valerie is an example

of the genetic approach to marriage.

Intellectual. I'll take the credit for that,

and beautiful like her mother was.

I think I know Valerie's good points.

I asked her to become my wife.

I appreciate that. But what assurance have I that your children,

my grandchildren, won't inherit criminal tendencies?

What do you want us to do?

Give you a written guarantee

that our kids won't grow up to be con men and thieves?

We are men of science, Peter.

And if we don't practice those theories we believe in...

But what about what Valerie believes in?

She's my daughter.

I'm willing to overlook that point.

That's enough, young man.

Under the circumstances, professor boy,

there's just one thing you can do.

Under the circumstances,

let me tell you, there's one thing you can do.

This you said to the Dean.

This I said to the Dean.

Shh.

What language.

(Hans) And from a psychology professor.

The Dean has asked me to quietly resign at the end of the term.

But that's a complete nonsensicality.

Just because your poppa...

Peter!

Oh, uh-uh, come in, Miss, uh-uh. . . Dr. Tillinghast.

Dr. Neumann, I ...

I was just going down the hall to see Dr. Kohner

who maybe wants to see me.

Father told me what you said.

Did you wash his mouth out with soap?

Oh, Peter, did you have to blow up at him?

Valerie, I'm not made of sawdust.

Well, uh, I suppose you had a right to get angry

but, after all, it would be better if we had father's approval.

I think it would be better if we eloped.

Oh, Peter, that would be the wrong way to start out.

It would only widen the breach.

Why don't we let things stand as they are for a while?

I think I can bring Father around.

Bring him around?

Peter, we've got to approach this

like two intelligent human beings.

We just can't settle things like that.

Well, I can. As far as I'm concerned, he can go to...

Peter, don't!

Don't say anything we'll both regret.

I'm sorry, Valerie.

All right. You talk to your father.

But you'll see he'll call off our engagement just the same.

Then we'll get engaged all over again when this thing dies down.

Just don't just quarrel with Father.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Bonzo, I'm coming around to your outlook on life.

There.

You see, Peter,

in a couple of days you'll call her

and everything will be fine.

What makes you think so?

Uh, accidentally, I was listening on the hole of the key.

[chuckling]

No, Hans.

I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy.

So quickly you give up?

Not on your life.

I'm gonna make that old man change his attitude if it takes till I'm 00.

Good, Peter. Good. Good.

Of course, Valerie probably won't be interested in me when I'm 00.

Yeah.

Hmm.

You have your troubles, I have mine.

What now?

Now he's on a hunger strike.

(Peter) Won't eat?

(Hans) Not a crumb of it.

Have you tried bananas?

Bananas, persimmons, coconuts.

My Anna even baked a Kugelhupf for him.

Mit sugar. Nothing.

What about a baby bottle?

That, too, but nothing.

I'm afraid to force-feed him.

It might be dangerous.

What do you suppose is wrong with him?

I don't know. He is very young.

Only a month ago he came from Africa.

(Hans) Maybe he is lonesome for his momma.

Hans, bring me the bottle. I want to try something.

Well, Bonzo, I never did thank you for savin' my life this morning, did I?

[clanging]

[tuning fork humming]

* [humming]

[Bonzo cooing]

That's amazing.

Maybe he thinks you're his poppa.

His poppa.

Hans, you've hit it.

What, uh, uh, what did I hit?

Is there any way you could let me keep him for a while?

Keep Bonzo? Where? What for?

At home.

I want to see if he'll accept a human environment.

[chuckles]

You'll teach him to sleep in a bed, to eat with a spoon,

and make patty-cakes?

What will that prove?

What if I could teach this monkey

the difference between right and wrong?

And how will you know he knows?

He'll tell you maybe?

No, Hans.

By getting him to do right without hope of reward,

to avoid wrong without fear of punishment.

Something my father never had a chance to learn.

Don't you see, Hans?

If it works, Dean will have to admit

that environment is all-important.

That heredity counts for very little.

Uh, yes, but what if the Dean finds out

that you are carrying on this experiment,

right in front of his back?

But he won't.

This'll be top secret until Bonzo's ready to make his debut.

All right, so he'll have a father.

But more things are needed for a good home.

Well, I'll get 'em for him.

You'll provide maybe a mother?

Yes, I'll provide a mother.

How?

Well, I don't know.

But I'll do it.

Hans, this just can't go on.

I'm almost out of my mind.

So far, six women have refused the job.

One threatened to call the police.

[grunting]

Uh, no, it's no use. I'll have to give it up.

I've got to get back to my classes.

[barking]

[doorbell buzzing]

Someone's at the door. I'll call you back.

Cross your fingers, Bonzo.

This may be your last chance.

[whimpering]

No, stay there!

Now, be good!

[gibbering]

[screaming]

[doorbell buzzing]

Yes?

May I see Prof. Peter Boyd?

I'm Prof. Boyd.

You are?

I thought all professors were old men with Vandyke beards.

Well, I , uh...

I'm Jane Linden, from the Home Service Domestic Agency in Hartford.

Oh, come in.

I'm sorry I got here so late, but I took the wrong bus.

I don't know why, but I always seem to be taking wrong buses.

I do hope you haven't found someone else for the job already.

No, it's still open.

Wide open, as a matter of fact.

Good.

Uh, won't you sit down, Miss Linden?

You can call me Jane if you like.

Well, thank you, Jane.

Have you been plucking a chicken?

Oh, I've been doing a little bit of everything lately.

Oh, then, Mrs. Boyd is...

There is no Mrs. Boyd.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's why I sent for someone...

Well, I hope you decide I'm right for the job.

Well, Jane, I'm just as anxious as you are for this to work out,

but, of course, I didn't expect anyone quite so young.

I'm not so young. I'm almost 23.

I was really looking for a woman

who'd had experience as a mother.

I've raised five children.

You what?

Sure. My five brothers.

Mother died when I was 14, so I had to bring up the kids.

There isn't anything I didn't learn about children from that.

Well, I'm sure that's true.

But, well, you see Bonzo isn't the same as other children.

Hmm, all parents feel that way.

You're a professor. You should know that.

Yeah. Well, you don't quite understand.

Of course I do.

How old is your baby?

I don't know. Two or three, I guess.

I'm not sure.

You're not sure?

Oh, uh. . . No. You see, I ...

Oh, he's adopted .

(Jane) Well, sometimes you learn to love the adopted ones

even more than your own.

I suppose so.

May I see him?

This way.

Look, I might as well tell you now.

He's a monkey.

They all are.

A real monkey.

You should've seen my brother, Gus.

Now that was the ugliest little monkey...

You'd better let me finish.

Look, Prof. Boyd, you don't have to apologize for him.

I understand. Honestly, I do.

[thudding] What's that?

Oh, Bonzo.

He probably turned his crib over again.

The baby? He might've hurt himself.

Not him.

Oh, well, you've got a lot to learn about babies, haven't you?

When. . . when they fall down they need someone's arms around them

to protect them and make them feel secure.

I'd better go right up there.

Look, I'm trying to tell you .

I don't care what you tell me.

I'm going up there anyway.

[gibbering]

[footsteps approaching]

[cooing]

[cooing]

[screaming]

It's a monkey!

Well, sure, it's a monkey.

Why didn't you tell me?

I did . No, you didn't.

Oh, y-yes, you did, didn't you?

Then you should've told the agency.

If I'd have done that, they'd have sent me an animal trainer.

That isn't what I want.

Well, I hope you get what you want, but it isn't me.

[Bonzo crying]

What's that?

Oh, poor little fella, he's crying.

Why, he sounds just like a baby.

Well, he isn't much different when you get to know him.

[Bonzo continues crying]

Do you think I frightened him?

Well, I'd say you broke about even.

Do you think it would help

if I went back in there and made friends with him?

It might. Why don't you try it?

Oh, he's turned it completely over.

I guess that's why he's crying.

He probably thinks he's back in a cage again.

Come on.

All right, Bonzo. Let's go back beddy-bye.

There you are.

Poor little fella.

He is kind of cute, for a real monkey.

Hey, he seems to like you.

I always get along well with babies.

Uh, oh, no, Bonzo. He's fascinated by shiny objects.

You'd better take those off.

Oh, look at those sleepers.

Did you put those on?

Well, I tried to, but he isn't like a baby. He wiggles.

Oh, so babies don't wiggle.

[chuckling]

All you have to do is get started right and then there's no problem.

[screaming] It's as easy as putting on a pair of gloves.

I wish I had a nickel for every time

I've put a pair of sleepers on one of my five brothers.

It's just a matter of knowing how.

There.

Of course, it's all a matter of knowing how.

Oh, well, if he hadn't wiggled...

Like a baby?

[chuckling]

Yeah.

You enjoy playing mother, don't you?

Some day I'm gonna be a real one.

And I want a large family. 10, at least.

10?

There's an old saying where I come from:

"On the tree that bears much fruit, the sun shines brightest."

And where do you come from?

My people are farmers up north.

Poppa wasn't too happy about my going off to work,

but we needed money to expand the farm,

so, that's why I'm doing this.

But, frankly, Prof. Boyd, I don't see why you are.

It's fairly simple.

A lot of people think they're born better than others.

I'm trying to prove it's the way you're raised that counts.

That even a monkey brought up in the right surroundings

can learn the meaning of decency and honesty.

That's a fine thing to do.

[doorbell buzzing]

Oh, I'll be right back.

You won't be afraid?

No.

[crickets chirping]

Uh, Valerie.

Well, Peter, at least you're alive.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, aren't you going to ask me in?

Uh, well, I . .. I , uh, was just going to bed.

Peter, I've been worried about you.

You've never stayed away from your classes before.

Dr. Neumann wouldn't tell me what was wrong.

Oh, you'll never know what I've gone through these past two days.

Me, too. Father's still too upset to be reasoned with.

But that doesn't mean that you and I

can't plan some course of action.

Course of action. That's what we must do.

Well, then, in that case...

Peter, what's this for?

Oh, it's. . . it's for clothes.

Uh, my clothes. I . . . I was just leaving.

But you just said you were going to bed.

I . . . I am. Soon as I get there.

Get where? I'm not going to tell you.

'Cause if you don't know,

then no one can worm it out of you .

But why should anybody want to do that?

Valerie, do you trust me?

Well, of course, Peter.

Then believe me, it's very important to me and to you

that I get away from here.

(Jane) * What are little boys made of, made of? *

* What are little boys made of? *

That kid next door.

Every night they have to sing him to sleep.

Peter, there's something very odd going on in this house.

You're right.

But when I told that to Hans, he said that I was developing

a. . . a. . . a persecution complex.

Why, I wouldn't stay in this house another minute.

Peter, I . . . Look, darling,

don't you worry too much about me.

As soon as get in that car all of my troubles will be behind me.

I've got to relax.

When people relax, their mental processes are much more r-relaxed.

Goodbye, darling.

[car engine starting]

Shh. He's almost asleep.

You know something?

My brother, Gus, wasn't half as cute as Bonzo.

[yawning]

Peter, what are you doing here?

Oh, good morning, Prof. Fosdick.

Well, I thought only the married men did the breakfast shopping.

Uh, have you been keeping something from us?

A-a-as a matter of fact, I have.

Really? Uh, y-yes.

For the past week I've been conducting an experiment.

So it wasn't a vacation?

Oh, no. A very important experiment.

Uh, with, uh, baby food?

Uh...

Uh, this won't go any farther?

Of course not.

Well, then.

Who has more energy than babies?

And what do they eat?

Of course.

The fountain of youth.

Are you conducting this experiment on yourself?

Look.

Remarkable.

[cans rattling]

Good morning, Jane.

Good morning, Prof. Boyd.

Um, good heavens, what's that?

Swedish pancake.

Swedish pancake.

Yesterday we had Dutch pancake.

Every morning something different for breakfast.

Even my psyche is gaining weight.

Uh-uh, now I know where Bonzo gets his bad habits.

You'd better get started on your orange juice.

Vacation's over and you've got a lecture at 0:00.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, Jane, I reloaded the camera.

Remember, keep on taking pictures

of anything unusual Bonzo does, huh?

Uh-huh.

[clanging]

What's the matter with him?

Maybe he thinks you're getting more attention than he is.

An Oedipus complex already?

I've only been his father for a week.

I think he's just plain hungry.

Here, Bonzo, eat your pablum like a good boy,

hmm. And pretty soon you'll grow up to be

a big, strong, handsome man just like your daddy.

Then you'll have Swedish pancakes, too.

That's outright bribery.

Bonzo!

Prof. Boyd.

Bonzo, that wasn't a nice thing to do.

Bonzo!

Don't scold him. He didn't mean it.

Well, that's beside the point.

Aggressiveness like that could become an aberration.

Aggressiveness, aberration, Oedipus complex.

What kind of way is that to talk to a baby?

(Peter) What do you mean?

(Jane) Why don't you act more like his father,

instead of like a schoolteacher?

I guess I have got a lot to learn

about being a father, haven't I?

You sure have, Prof. Boyd .

You know that "Prof. Boyd" business might be part of it, too.

Why don't you try calling me something more familiar, like, well, like "Father"?

Father?

Mmm, well, he might not understand it at first,

but it would give more of a family atmosphere.

Not to me, it wouldn't.

The only time Momma ever called Poppa "Father"

was when she was mad at him.

Oh, "Daddy" would sound a little silly, wouldn't it?

Uh-huh.

Poppa?

Yes. Poppa.

Well, then I'd have to call you...

Momma.

Momma goes with Poppa.

Well, let's see how he reacts.

Uh, Poppa. Poppa.

Momma. Momma.

Poppa. Poppa.

Momma.

Poppa. Momma.

Well, maybe we ought to show more affection like real parents.

That might help.

How did your parents act around the house?

Well, um...

Take at breakfast like this.

Momma always served us kids first,

and then we'd hear Poppa upstairs

singing loud enough to shake the house.

And then pretty soon,

Poppa would come tiptoeing into the kitchen,

and Momma always pretended like she didn't know he was there.

Well, he'd wink at us kids

and sneak up behind Momma and grab her

around the waist and kiss her on the ear.

That's just what Momma used to do, but she loved it.

And then us kids would laugh and laugh

and Poppa would grin at us and say:

"By golly, I'm the richest man in six counties."

[whimpering]

Yeah, well, uh...

Well, didn't your father have some, well, some less informal way of acting,

oh, like when he'd say good morning and go off to work?

Oh, sure.

Poppa'd grab Momma right up off her feet

and kiss her right smack on the mouth

and say, "Hilda, my little chicken,

that's to keep you till I get back."

Well,

well, let's try that goodbye part.

Janie, my little chicken,

that's to keep you till I get back.

(Peter) He doesn't seem very impressed .

Frankly, Poppa, neither is Momma.

Yeah.

"The causal relations between a self-conserving system

"and its environment are essentially reciprocal

and cyclical in nature."

Oh, uh, very good. Very good.

(Peter) Now I understand

there are several other papers that might be interesting.

Well, go on.

Well, when I decided to go ahead with the experiment,

I called an employment agency and told them I needed a woman

who had experience taking care of babies.

About a dozen applicants showed up.

What did they say when they found out it was a monkey?

Well, most of them didn't say anything.

They just screamed and ran.

The rest thought it was a joke, but not a very funny one.

And you should've seen the types they sent over.

I would've settled for anything.

Then this Linden woman came along.

She grabbed the job.

Poor thing. She must've needed it badly.

Oh, she did. Fine woman, though.

Raised five children. Uh, good farm stock.

Peter, I think this is wonderful.

I don't blame you for keeping it a secret

until you're sure of the results.

Now I'd look pretty ridiculous if the experiment didn't work out.

Peter, I'm coming over tomorrow night.

You're coming over?

Yes, maybe I can help.

Uh, well, that's impossible. You can't.

Well, why not?

You're teaching Bonzo good manners, aren't you?

Uh, yes.

Let's see how he behaves with a guest.

Uh, he's not ready for that yet.

Uh, we can't push him. Maybe later.

Peter, I have a confession to make.

You've been avoiding me so much lately

that I was beginning to suspect there was another woman.

[chuckling]

You're joking.

No, I'm not.

I can be a very jealous woman, you know.

I'm flattered.

[whining]

It won't be long now.

Bonzo, polite little boys do not sit on the table.

Now get back in your chair.

Keep your feet down.

All right.

I'll just bet Poppa's forgotten

this is your two-week anniversary with us.

Won't he be surprised?

[clock chiming]

I guess we won't wait up for Poppa any longer.

Never mind.

We. . . we'll celebrate the anniversary

of our third week together next Tuesday.

Now, walk like a man.

I'm sure Poppa has a good reason

for not coming home or even calling.

A college professor is a very busy man, you know.

Maybe he got tied up in a meeting

with other members of the faculty.

And even if he isn't,

a man with all those things on his mind

is liable to forget anything.

[whines]

After all, being a college professor

is a lot more than just teaching others to be smart.

[whines]

There are papers to correct and report cards.

[whines]

Maybe he even had to look up something at the library.

Any one of these things could keep him out late.

[whines]

In fact, it's too much to expect Poppa

to come home for dinner every night.

[whines]

All right, now go to bed.

* What are little boys made of, made of? *

* What are little boys made of? *

* Snips and snails *

* And puppy dogs' tails *

* That's what little boys are made *

Never mind, things will look a lot better in the morning.

[whimpering]

Good night, Bonzo.

[rattling]

[yells]

[Bonzo screaming]

Bonzo!

What's the matter?

[whimpering]

Oh. I know.

Poor little boy.

Momma can't sleep very well either.

Here. Come on over here.

There you are.

Oh, no!

Jane!

Jane!

What is it?

Bonzo's gone. The window's open.

He's been kidnapped!

(Jane) He was too upset to sleep so he came running in here.

Well, what upset him?

Well, maybe it's because you didn't come home to dinner.

After all, it's a new experience for him.

The first time Poppa didn't come home?

Jane, something wonderful's just happened.

It has?

It's unbelievable.

Really?

It just hit me.

It did?

Yeah.

He opened two doors to get to his momma.

Oh.

What do you know, Bonzo?

Here's another book by Poppa.

It's called The Power of Environment.

Isn't that...

[whimpering]

Bonzo, are you hiding something?

What've you got there?

Come on now, let Momma see.

Get out.

[whining]

Aren't you tired of these yet?

[sighing]

Now what did Poppa say to do?

First, put back.

Put them back, Bonzo.

(Jane) Put the beads back.

[humming]

Please, Bonzo.

Put the beads back.

(Jane) Be a good boy. Put Momma's beads back.

Oh.

[sobbing]

Poor Momma.

[grunting]

(Jane) Poor Momma.

Please, Bonzo, put the beads back.

[gibbers]

Oh, that's a good boy.

Good boy!

Just wait till Momma tells Poppa about this.

Oh, dear, why didn't I take pictures?

[clock chimes]

If I'm going to cook your Poppa's supper,

I'd better get started.

Now, you just play quietly until Momma gets back.

[squeals]

[screaming]

[whirring]

[screaming]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Well, that finishes our discussion of sensation and perception.

Tomorrow we'll take up conditioned reflexes.

That's all. Thank you.

[students chattering]

Prof. Boyd.

Oh, Prof. Boyd.

[students chattering]

It's working like a charm.

I couldn't have done this a week ago.

Isn't that a little strenuous for you, Fosdick?

Not at all.

I'm on your diet.

My what?

You know, the fountain of youth.

Oh.

Who has more energy than babies?

Just watch.

[bicycle tires squealing]

Prof. Boyd, you're wanted in the Dean's office.

Thank you.

The Dean wants me?

No, but little chicken does.

I beg your pardon.

I can only give you the message as I received it.

It came over the phone and was relayed here.

A woman who gave the name of little chicken

wanted you to know that "Poppa's boy is up a tree."

Poppa's boy?

That was the exact message from little chicken.

It's someone's idea of a joke, Mrs. Swithen.

We haven't got the funds

to expand the laboratory at this time, Dr. Neumann.

You'll just have to wait until...

Prof. Boyd!

Excuse me.

Hans, our experiment's up a tree.

Experiment?

You know, my houseguest,

the young man who is visiting here from Africa.

Nein!

Ja.

Bonzo, this has gone far enough.

I've had enough of your foolishness.

Now, do you hear me?

(Jane) Bonzo, you come down here.

You come down here this minute.

(Jane) If you fall, don't you come crying to me.

Please, Bonzo, for Momma?

(Jane) Come down right now and I won't punish you.

All right, if you won't come down,

I'm coming up after you. Then you'll get it!

[cooing]

Number, please. Hello.

Hello. Hello, number, please.

[gurgling]

Hello, number, please.

Will you answer your number, please?

[cackling]

What's the matter? Do you need help?

[sputters]

Get the address for Brighton 034,

then ring the fire department.

Someone's trying to get help.

[cackling]

It sounds as if they're suffocating.

I'll call the police.

Police department, a call just came through information, get me...

From brighton 034, the address is. . . and hurry, please.

[whimpers]

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

making Momma climb trees.

Maybe you enjoy this game of hide-and-seek,

but I don't.

Bonzo, wherever you are, please come down.

You can't hide from me much longer, you bad boy!

[screeching]

Bonzo! Oh, you. . . you put that ladder back!

[whining]

[gibbers]

[screaming]

(Jane) Bonzo!

(Jane) Bonzo!

[grunting]

Jane! Jane!

Up here, Poppa. Up here!

Oh, the bananas! We'll never get him without the bananas.

Hurry up. I'm stuck up here.

Help me get down.

Is Bonzo up there?

(Jane) No!

Well, what are you doin' up there?

I'm hanging on to a branch that's about to break off.

Any further questions?

[Jane screaming]

Don't move!

Hang on, Jane. I'll be right there.

Be careful that you're not suddenly both right here.

All right now, just hang on.

Don't move. You'll be all right.

[cackling]

I thought you said Bonzo wasn't up here.

Well, he wasn't.

Well, he is now. Bonzo!

You get down before I tan your hide!

[exclaims]

(Peter) No!

(Jane) Bonzo!

(Jane) Look out, Bonzo. You'll fall.

Bonzo, get down!

Poppa, make him stop.

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Where's the fire? Yeah, come on, where is it?

We have no fire.

Somebody called the fire department from this house.

You know, there's a law against turnin' in a false alarm.

Who's falsing an alarm?

Our monkey's up a tree.

Well, Prof. Boyd, what're you doin' up in a tree with a...

Did you say a monkey?

Would one of you public servants come up and help the young lady down?

You heard the professor.

You were saying...

There's a very simple explanation for all this,

but I can't think what it is.

[people murmuring]

Come on, fellas.

We mustn't waste any more time.

We got to get that monkey off the telephone wires.

Yeah, we better do that right away.

Over here. See?

Well, he was there.

And he was wearing glasses.

Oh, sure, he was. I saw him with my own eyes.

Didn't you, Harry?

Oh, sure, it was a gorilla, about so high.

It was not.

He's a young chimpanzee with, I might add, a higher IQ

than that required for the police force.

Are you sure he wasn't uh, a rabbit about 0 feet tall?

No!

It wasn't a rabbit, anyhow.

Well, you don't need us around here any more.

Wait a minute!

You've got to help me find that monkey!

Take it easy, Professor.

You've been workin' too hard.

I have not!

We'll just forget about the false alarm, huh?

Oh, all that excitement.

It's not good for the heart.

Yeah, but we still don't know where Bonzo is.

My fault. I shouldn't have let him out of my sight.

You can say that again.

That's a mother's responsibility.

And calling the college?

Suppose someone had caught on about us.

What else could I do, Poppa?

Please, please, for 35 years my Anna and I

have not had a family quarrel.

Don't start in so early.

It's not good for the home.

On the contrary, Dr. Neumann,

there is nothing like a family quarrel to expose the truth.

[stuttering]

Hello, Valerie.

I hope you'll forgive me for intruding.

Now, just a minute. There's more to this than meets the eye.

That's quite obvious. No, it isn't.

Then, may I say something, please?

(Peter) You've done enough for one day.

(Valerie) Now, now, Poppa.

Momma should have her say.

She also ought to have an engagement ring.

It seems long overdue.

Uh...

Valerie! Valerie!

I didn't know he was engaged to someone.

It's his own fault.

A poppa should tell a momma when he's engaged to another woman.

Look, darling,

there's a simple explanation for all this.

You made me listen the other night, remember?

"Fine woman, raised five children, good farm stock."

Poor thing, she must've needed the job badly.

You've got the wrong idea about all this.

I did hire her because of Bonzo.

Father was right. You are what you are.

Environment merely provides the camouflage to hide it.

[squealing]

And so we decided to prove that Peter was right

by experimenting with Bonzo.

You see?

Yes, I see.

Don't worry.

Everything will be all right.

(Peter) Jane?

Would you go upstairs and get Bonzo, please?

I want Dr. Neumann to take him back to the lab.

(Hans) Are you going to give up the experiment

just because of this?

Well, there's no reason to continue it now.

(Hans) Oh, poor little Bonzo.

After having had such a nice home,

he won't like it being put back in a cage.

(Jane) A cage?

(Jane) You're not going to put Bonzo in a cage

like he was a. . . a. . . a criminal?

(Peter) Jane, let me explain the situation...

(Jane) Hans has already done that.

Well, there's no longer any reason to use Bonzo as a guinea pig.

Don't you dare call Bonzo a guinea pig.

Listen, you wanted him to learn the difference

between right and wrong, didn't you?

Well, he did.

Today, when he took my beads, he gave them back to me.

Just because I asked him to.

Ah, this is remarkable progress.

Now even you must admit that.

What did you bribe him with?

Nothing.

I just made believe I was crying,

and I guess he didn't want to see me unhappy. That's all.

See? See?

Oh, what's the use?

Even if Bonzo gave a lecture on Darwinism,

it wouldn't do me any good now.

No, Jane, I'm going to give you a month's salary and ...

You don't have to give me anything, Prof. Boyd.

And what's more, I think Bonzo's going to be better off.

He couldn't learn very much from a man who quits

the first time anything goes wrong.

I agree with Momma 100 percent.

Peter Boyd, you are a big quitter.

Oh, Hans, that's not fair.

Who wants to be fair?

Who cares whether you win or lose Miss Tillinghast?

In the interest of science,

you should carry on with the experiment.

And I bet with you anything, if it is successful,

Miss Tillinghast will beg you to return the. . . the thing,

the engagement ring.

Well, if she does I'm going to tell her

that she has Jane to thank for it, believe me.

Oh, you will?

Uh, perhaps we'll ask my Anna first

if that is such a good idea.

(Jane) Poppa, Hans.

Bonzo isn't upstairs. What?

I even looked in the attic.

He might get run over or lost.

And that could cost me $2,000. Come on!

That's a fine thing for a father to say

when his child is lost.

Peter, it's 11 :00 already.

How much longer do we search for a noodle in the haystack?

I guess you're right, Hans.

We might as well admit he's lost.

Perhaps tomorrow morning we can call

the Lost and Foundling department.

That might be a good...

Hans, look. Over there.

(Hans) It's Bonzo. It's our little one.

Easy, now, don't frighten him.

[gibbers]

[whining]

Attaboy, Bonzo. Well, are you glad to see me?

Well, I'm glad to see you.

Don't worry, Bonzo.

He won't put you back in a cage.

Let's go home.

We started these aptitude tests

a couple of weeks after he ran away.

[inaudible]

(Peter) Two minutes and ten seconds. How's that, Hans?

(Hans) That's remarkable.

You know with proof like that...

What's this?

Oh, that's the first time.

Bonzo demonstrated table manners without being coached.

[Hans laughing]

I don't believe it.

Well, there it is.

You know, my little grandson in Los Angeles,

he could take lessons from him.

Uh, something's happening?

No, no, that's Jane locking the starting button

so we can be in the picture together.

Now this is good.

We do this every morning

uh, before I leave for class, so that Bonzo...

Every morning you kiss Jane?

Well, certainly. How else can we create

the proper atmosphere for him?

Harmony in the home.

Now, these are the sacrifices we have to make for science.

Oh.

[chuckles]

I hid in the closet with the camera to get this.

By repetition, I established that everything in that drawer was mine.

I wanted to see if he'd know if he was doing something wrong.

Watch this.

I chose the most tempting prize.

Well. . . Ah...

Is that moral reasoning?

Oh, it's unbelievable.

You know, our Bonzo is as good as gold .

It's wunderbar.

I think you could give a demonstration for the Dean right now.

He'll see a demonstration when I appear

before the Psychological Society next month.

I'm going to make him eat humble pie.

Then I'll clear everything up with Val.

[bell ringing] Oh.

Say, I have a class.

And I have the Dean. He wants to see me.

Maybe I'll get a larger appropriation. I hope.

Oh, you and Anna haven't forgotten about the birthday party tonight?

Well, Anna had to go to New Haven to visit her sister.

But, uh, I wouldn't dream of missing Bonzo's birthday.

Personally, I think it's stretching it a bit,

but Jane insists that he have one

even though we don't know how old he is.

Always I agree with Jane.

Do you know why?

Because she has a heart, a beautiful heart.

And that doesn't grow from snobbish chromosomes.

I'll see you tonight.

Uh, Neumann.

Good afternoon, Dean Tillinghast.

Good news for you. Sit down.

Thank you.

We're going to be able to add $500 to your laboratory fund.

Oh, that's wonderful.

$500, we can always use.

How's that little chimpanzee of ours getting along, Doctor?

Chimpanzee?

Yes, the eccentric little fellow.

Oh, him.

He's fine, thank you very much.

He.. . he's very intelligent.

You wouldn't believe it.

Good. We're going to send him to Yale University.

Yale?

Yes.

[sighs]

He's not that intelligent.

What?

[chuckles]

A joke.

I've just sold him for $2,500.

You sold him?

See that he's shipped to Dr. Willis

of the Medical Research Department.

Why Medical Research?

Well, they've just lost a chimpanzee and they have to have another one

in order to complete the project.

And they will use our little chimpanzee for this?

Yes.

No, no, Dean Tillinghast. You can't do that.

Oh, why not? We haven't been making use of him, anyway.

Well, you see, our little...

The. . . the. .. the little one we. . . we have. . . We...

We've not...

He's not here.

Not here? Where is he?

He was not feeling well so I thought perhaps

a few weeks in the country,

in the mountains might do him good.

Little vacation.

You're not making sense, Dr. Neumann.

What's wrong with him?

He's slightly verruckt. He's crazy.

He thinks he's a little boy.

Come now.

Our Bonzo is no ordinary animal.

He's good and he's kind.

Really, Neumann, you amaze me.

I've always considered you a devoted scientist.

Get him back at once from wherever you have him.

Then crate him and ship him to Yale.

I've promised Willis delivery by Monday.

Please.

Who needs $500?

We have everything.

Monday, Dr. Neumann.

Monday.

Monday.

He certainly likes your gift, Uncle Hans.

Perhaps he'll grow up to be a 0-weeks bicycle racer.

Come on, Bonzo. Here's your cake.

Bonzo, look, a birthday cake.

Hey, look here. He's ready to blow out those candles already.

Wait a minute.

Isn't he supposed to make a wish first?

I wonder what it would be.

Let me wish for him.

Yes, you wish.

Bonzo, I wish that you'll have

many more birthdays just like this one.

With those you love and trust around you always

to share your happiness.

And I wish that you'll get a chance very soon to prove

that being loved and looked after like a human being

has made you feel like a human being.

And that if love can do that to you,

then it ought to be able to make some other human beings

human beings.

[Hans sniffling]

Why, you old duffer.

This is supposed to be a happy occasion.

I'm happy, only my eyes are crying.

[Bonzo whimpering]

Come on, Bonzo, make your wish come true.

Blow out the candles.

[all laughing]

Attaboy, Bonzo.

Good boy, Bonzo.

[whimpering]

You're supposed to eat your cake, not wear it.

All right, it's your birthday so you can sleep in it,

but you won't be comfortable.

[gibbers]

Good night, Bonzo.

It was like a real kid's party, wasn't it?

Yeah.

I only wish Bonzo should live to have another birthday.

Okay, out with it.

You've been acting like a second-year medical student

at his first postmortem.

Postmortem.

Don't say that.

What's wrong?

All right, Peter. I admit something is wrong.

I . . . I . . . I . . . I didn't want to talk about it in. . . in. . . In front of Jane.

Peter, what if, uh. . . I mean...

Suppose you had to give up Bonzo?

Oh, so that's it. Now, Hans, be sensible.

I expect to give up Bonzo,

just as soon as the experiment's finished.

(Peter) It isn't wise to get too attached to animals.

(Hans) To that conclusion I have already jumped.

(Hans) But what about Jane?

Well, I expect she'll take it pretty hard.

She's very emotional about him.

It's a sublimation, a transference

since at the moment she hasn't anyone

upon whom to lavish her affections.

You're sure of that, huh?

Positive. I know her like a book.

(Peter) Don't worry about her. She'll get over it all right.

I'll give her three months salary when I let her go.

She'll have a long vacation before she has to take another job.

Why, that's very generous of you .

She deserves it.

I only hope she meets some nice, worthwhile young fellow.

You know, Peter, if I were a young man,

and I hadn't met my Anna, and I'd meet Jane,

I'd make Jane my Anna.

Under different circumstances I might feel the same way.

That's if Jane would be your Anna.

Jane?

So I'm subli...

Whatever you call it, transferring, am I?

Oh, Jane, now.

So you know me like a book?

As far as I'm concerned, Prof. Peter "Poppa" Boyd,

you've come to the last page to where it says "The End ."

Now, what's that all about?

Ah, dumpkopf!

And what's got into you?

You. . . You're the psychologist.

You ought to know.

Uh, go back to school and study your Freud.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me that. . . that she's in love with me?

Oh, no, I couldn't imagine it.

How could a nice, warmhearted girl

like Jane fall in love with uh, a spigot?

Turn on, emotion. Turn off, no emotion. Uh...

Well, I . . . I never realized, I ...

I didn't think...

Who expects a psychologist to think?

Especially when you're so busy thinking

what you think other people are thinking.

Do you know of what I was thinking all evening?

I guess not, Hans.

Wh...

I'll tell you tomorrow.

You have enough troubles.

Come drive me home.

In a minute.

[sobbing]

[knocking on door]

(Peter) Jane.

Jane.

(Jane) Go away.

Jane, please. I want to talk to you.

Go away!

[Jane sobbing]

[sniffing]

[sighing]

[doorknob rattling]

I told you to go away.

I don't want to see you anymore.

[grunting]

[Bonzo screaming]

[tires screeching]

[gibbering]

Bonzo! How on earth did you ever get out here? Did Jane...

Where is Momma? Where is Momma?

[whimpering]

De Witt's jewelry. Bonzo!

You stay there.

[sighs]

[car engine starting]

Now, you stay here.

[crickets chirping]

[coin rattling]

[phone dialing]

[whimpering]

[horn honking]

[horn blaring]

I'll be there in a minute!

Now, listen, Hans, go to my house and wake up Jane.

Bring her down to the corner of Elm and Republic right away.

I'll be waiting in my car. What's the matter?

A little matter of 10 years, if you don't hurry.

What kept you?

Peter, something terrible has happened.

You're telling me.

Jane has gone.

What do you mean, gone?

Gone. Disappeared.

She left a note. Here.

"So this time I'm taking the bus back to Hartford,

"and I hope you'll be very happy with your Dr. Tillinghast.

Yours truly, Jane Linden".

See? Gone.

Well, she certainly picked the right time.

For what?

I'll tell you about it on the way.

Come on in my car.

Hello, Bonzo. Come on. Come.

Get in. Get in here, Bonzo. Get back in here.

Get in there. Come here.

[car engine starting]

But how?

That's what I'd like to know.

It's a sure thing he couldn't get in from this side of the building.

Let's take a look around in back.

Hey, you come back and sit down.

You've done enough for one night.

Bonzo, move over.

[car engine starting]

Shh.

Do you think he'll do it?

Well, if he doesn't,

he won't be the only one in a cage.

Now, Bonzo, be a good boy.

Put back.

Please put back, in there.

In there!

Bonzo, like you do for Momma.

Put back. Please? Put back.

Oh, why did Jane have to pick tonight to go away?

Bonzo, not Momma's. Put back!

Do you think it's possible to catch up with Jane?

Oh, sure. The bus is halfway to Hartford.

By the time we got back, this place'd be swarming with police.

There is one way we might get him to do it.

Bananas.

Bananas?

Who sells bananas at this time of the night?

I've got some at home in the kitchen.

Why don't you jump in the car and get 'em real quick?

I'll stay here with him and maybe figure something out.

[chattering]

All right. Take him with you, but hurry.

[car engine starting]

Going somewhere?

Why, yes.

If you tell me you're playin' fireman,

I'll laugh myself to death.

Come on.

But, Officer...

[ladder rattling]

(man) "Ingenious robbery baffles police."

"Despite a 12 hour grilling,

"Prof. Boyd refused to divulge the manner

"in which he allegedly stole the gems

and showed no sign of cooperating with the police."

Hey, how about that?

[all exclaiming]

"The brilliant young psychologist admitted

"he was the son of the late 'Silky' Boyd

"alias 'The Professor',

"a notorious confidence man of the past.

The district attorney plans to question Boyd further today."

Now, look here, Professor.

You may know a lot about psychology,

but you don't know the law.

We could send you up for possession of stolen goods if nothing else.

That's 2-to-10, Professor.

Now why don't you be a good fellow and come clean?

I've told you the truth, strange as it sounds.

Strange is right.

Like the time Daggett, here,

caught you up a tree with a blonde.

Lookin' for a monkey with glasses.

You told me that before.

That was the truth, too.

All right, let's go back to the original story.

Now,

you say it was a monkey that took the necklace.

Correct.

A monkey that wasn't there.

At the moment I was apprehended, that's right.

Now, without jimmying any doors or windows,

this monkey that wasn't there

got into Dewitt's jewelry store and took a necklace

that wasn't there, after the monkey that wasn't there got away.

Sounds absurd, doesn't it?

No, no, not at all.

But there is one little thing we haven't quite cleared up.

Where was the monkey if he wasn't there?

On his way home.

All the way to Africa?

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes, Mac. Don't be ridiculous.

He's telling the truth.

I see the whole thing very clearly.

This monkey is a finger man.

The Fagin of a mob that hangs out at the zoo.

He and the mob get together to plan a little job.

"How's about the first national bank," says the orangutan.

"Or maybe the post office," says the baboon.

"Oh no!" says Fagin.

"Let's try Dewitt's jewelry store.

"It's a cinch.

The walls are made of ectoplasm."

"We can walk right through, take what we want, and walk out."

"Yeah, but how about the swag?" Asked the gorilla.

"I got a fence comes right to the job," says Fagin.

"His moniker is 'The Professor'.

"Pays off plenty peanuts.

He don't ask no questions."

And he don't answer none!

Daggett, take him away.

Please, Bonzo, eat. Please.

[sighs]

What am I going to do with you?

Your poppa is in jail

and by now they're giving him the 13th degree.

We can't find your momma

and you're going away to Yale.

Please, eat. If only to keep up my strength.

Look.

Mmm-hmm.

[door opening]

Uncle Hans.

Liebling.

I got here just as soon as I could.

For heavens sakes, what happened?

What happened?

Bonzo took a necklace and Peter is accused

because without you, he cannot make him put it back.

And now they've come to take Bonzo.

To jail?

No, to Yale.

Oh, Bonzo.

Well, you poor little fella in that nasty little cage.

Why the Department of Medical Research?

Why do you think?

Oh, no!

Well, we'll see about that.

Wait, Jane. Wait, Jane.

And so, to teach the monkey human ethics,

we experimented.

And then one night, something goes wrong.

It went wrong long before last night.

He only did it for you.

That's beside the point.

Do you realize, Neumann, that if I choose

to believe this fantastic tale,

I should have to ask for your resignation

for misusing school property?

[sputtering]

Please, Bonzo.

That's not the way to make friends and influence deans.

[intercom buzzing]

(Miss Swithen) The delivery men are here, sir.

They've come for the chimpanzee.

(Dean) Have them come in here at once.

Oh, no, you don't.

Nobody's going to take Bonzo.

What do you think you're doing?

I don't believe you want to help Peter.

My dear young lady, you're being very impertinent.

No. She is being very pertinent.

Pertinent is right.

After all, she is Bonzo's momma.

What?

That's what Peter calls her.

An unofficial title, I believe.

If you mean what I think you mean, that's a dirty crack.

It's exactly what I mean.

You know something? I feel sorry for you.

It must be awful to be without a flaw inside or out.

And to sit way up on a throne some place afraid of being just a woman,

and falling in love with someone

who's not as perfect as you are.

(Dean) See here, Miss Linden.

Well, Peter may not be perfect, but he loves her.

The dope.

And I want to help him because I'm a dope, too.

You're no dope, Jane. You couldn't be.

You haven't a university degree and you don't teach logic.

Well, Yale will have to do without Bonzo.

And I will have to do without $2,000.

Come, Jane.

Well, now that you've explained it,

the whole thing seems very logical.

But there are a few little things I'd like to clear up.

Now, you, Miss Linden,

you say you were on your way to Hartford at the time of the robbery

for some reason you do not care to explain.

It was very personal.

Oh, forgive my prying.

And you, Prof. Boyd,

can you give me just one teensy clue

as to how Junior, here, got into Dewitt's Jewelry store?

No proof, mind you, just a clue?

I've told you repeatedly, Mr. Babcock,

I don't know how he did it.

(Babcock) Yes, you have.

I've also told you repeatedly that I'm sure Miss Linden can get him

to put the necklace back, and then we'll know how he got in.

Well, we're prepared to let him try, aren't we, Mr. Dewitt?

Yes, I'm prepared.

Of course, it's only an imitation,

but I doubt if even a genius like Bonzo could tell the difference.

Okay, young lady, make him return it.

And be sure he gets a receipt!

See, Bonzo? These are Momma's.

Now put these back.

Put these back.

[whimpering]

[gibbering]

He's going to do it. He's going to do it.

What are we waiting for?

[clock chiming]

Well, that's it. Four hours is long enough.

That jungle Houdini isn't coming.

Please be patient, Mr. Petcock.

Babcock.

Couldn't we wait just a little longer, Mr. Babcock?

I'm afraid it's hopeless, Jane.

He found his way here the first time by accident.

It's too much to hope he can do it again.

If I were you, Boyd, I'd get myself a good lawyer.

Okay, lieutenant, take them back to the...

[Bonzo grunting]

It's Bonzo.

I knew he'd do it. I just knew it.

[Bonzo gibbering]

[gibbers]

[gibbering]

[all clamoring]

So I feel justified in saying

that Bonzo was motivated in everything he did

by love for those who loved and protected him.

Splendid work, Boyd!

Oh, forgive me. I've just been reminded

that I'm holding up the first step

of another important experiment.

Ladies and gentlemen, Operation Bonzo, as it is now known

has greatly added to the prestige of Sheridan College.

Because of this, I feel impelled to say that...

Not now, Father.

You're holding up a honeymoon.

[all laughing]

Happy honeymoon!

Congratulations to you!

Well, Peter,

I wish that you two should always be as happy as my Anna and me.

Thanks, Hans, for everything.

And you, too, Valerie.

You've been wonderful.

I'm glad for you, Peter.

I'm really glad for the way everything has turned out.

[people chattering]

[exclaiming]

Oh, look, young fella.

Just this once, the back seat for you.

Now you stay there and be good.

[Bonzo gibbering]

Bonzo.

Bonzo.

Bonzo! Whose honeymoon is this?

Get back here in the back seat!

[car horn honking]

Oh, Poppa.

By golly, I'm the richest man in six counties.

[gibbers]