Original subtitles

Right, come on.

Right, where do you want me to go?

I wanted to be this big, bad gangster.

I was chasing that buzz and I was chasing that money.

I felt uncomfortable.

I felt unstoppable.

But I was stupid.

I ruined my life.

I ruined everything.

But I brought with nothing.

I had no focus, no drive, no ambitions.

I had no goals, I had no dreams.

I just hated everyone and everything.

I just pushed them away.

I was 24.

The only thing that was there was my daughter.

I had a six -year -old called Ellie Louise from a previous relationship.

But because I was in and out of jail so many times, my mum didn't want to let

her see me.

Yeah, I wasn't the best dad.

I was always getting myself into trouble.

I used to rob cars, sell drugs.

I was getting into fights every weekend.

I was a menace to society.

So that's how I found myself again, stood in the dock at Warrington Crown

facing charges of assault.

There's no big mysteries to how I got to be this way.

I got put into care when I was five until I was 18.

Basically, it's like prison for kids.

That was probably why I turned out to be the nasty, horrible kid that I was,

because it didn't have that father figure to show me right from wrong.

Please rise to the court.

So when the judge was going to send me back to prison, Mr. White, the Crown

Court hereby charges you with a criminal damage... Well, at that moment, it was

like a spur -of -the -moment thing.

I legged it back to the court, out the courtroom, down the stairs, two at a

time. I didn't know where I was going.

I just kept running and running and running.

It was either go to prison on my own or go on the run.

I knew the perfect place, the Costa del Sol, in Spain.

There's a lot of British criminals out there with a hell of a lot of money.

They actually call it the Costa del Crime.

It was a paradise.

A gangster's paradise.

I got myself a job in a bar.

The bar was owned by a guy called Bob.

In a nutshell, old -school classic gangster.

He's a gentleman, but he's also a business -minded gangster.

He took a shine to me.

Yeah, son.

I loved working for him.

But it wasn't just a job. It was like, it was a way in.

I already had an inkling that he was involved in the drug business.

That's where I wanted to be.

I wanted that big fat Rolex on my wrist.

I wanted the suits. I wanted to look the part.

I just wanted to be a someone.

Thanks, Lee.

So, one night at a bar.

Bob says, do you want to earn some money tomorrow?

Yeah, man, of course I do.

I've got a little job for you.

He says, do you want to come down to the coast and pick up some hashbricks and

bring them back for me?

So straight away, I jumped at the opportunity.

Yeah, you sure?

You're up for it? Yeah. I just wanted to prove myself to him.

The next day we set off to Benidorm. How are you, mate?

Me, Bob and Danny.

Danny was Bob's right -hand man at the time.

Bob and Danny were driving in one car and I was in another.

Driving down there, I was anxious.

I was nervous. I was bouncing off the walls.

And we get there, pull into this big, massive villa that's got a massive wall

around it.

I felt important.

I felt like I was wanted.

Like I was part of a unit.

It was surreal. It was like, wow, I bet he liked something out of a film.

This Moroccan opens the door.

So we walk in.

There's two other Moroccans in there, all with guns.

I thought, wow, now I'm in the big leagues.

I've never seen that amount of brick ever.

Bob's having a look around at the bricks.

There's a lot of things going through my mind, what could go wrong.

If it was a set -up, then Bob pulls out a lot of money, money pays him.

Go on then, zip it up.

And that's it.

We loaded the car with the 50 kilo of brick.

Our new tank.

We could see the back of the car go down.

I thought, it's not only, like, a lot of weight to look at, it's a lot of time

in jail.

In Bob and Danny's car, they had not a gram of hashes.

Nothing.

It was my job to drive the hash.

It was the first big job that Bob tested me on.

And I just wanted it all to go smooth.

I thought, oh, I hope the police don't see the back end of this car down when I

pull me over.

All the way home, I was panicking.

I just left the police looking for me in Warrington.

The last thing I wanted was getting locked up for a bigger sentence in a

prison.

I don't want to bring attention to myself.

I just want to be cool, calm and collected.

Easy money, boys!

When I finally got back to Bob's place, they come over to me, shake my hand,

give me a hug.

So well done.

And I'm smiling from ear to ear.

So I felt important, I felt valued.

And that was what it was all about, being valued and being in that clique.

Bob introduced me to his gangster friends. We wanted a big house, flash

nice women in big pools.

That was what I craved.

I had a boy, when I was made up, I felt like part of a family.

Over the months, I did more and more runs up and down the coast.

Collecting the hashbricks.

And gaining more and more of his trust.

Nice, that man, isn't he?

Yeah, he was loving life.

Drinking, girls, parties for six, seven in the morning.

Yeah. Nice to meet you, Michelle. I thought I recognised you.

Yeah, I work for Bob.

Bob was like a father figure, do you know what I mean?

Basically looking for his approval all the time.

It's like, he had plans for me.

Listen, there's a couple more jobs coming up.

Yeah. I felt untouchable.

I felt unstoppable.

So one day, when I was working behind the bar, Danny comes back in. He said,

Merry Christmas.

Where have you been?

He said, you do know I've been to Peru, don't you?

Hang on.

What for?

There's more than that around, mate.

And he said, well, I'll go down to Peru and bring back some coke, some kilos of

coke. But Bob, he must have had over 12, 13 stamps in the passport, and he'd

never been arrested once.

He said he'd get between five and ten grand per kilo.

I just wanted to make that money and keep going up in the ranks.

I wanted to speak to Bob.

Bob. Who's that?

Listen, I told him I was very eager to go do the run to Peru.

I was well up for a challenge, I always was. I told him, I won't let you down.

So he said, I know you can do it. I know you've got the balls for it.

He said, leave it with me.

Sound. Cheers, Bob.

I was excited.

Of course I was.

I was excited to, like, yeah, go up a level.

But I was my own worst enemy.

I'd been drinking all day in the bar.

I was absolutely wasted.

And this guy jumped up and pulled out a broken glass bottle.

I thought, I'm out of this, I don't care who you are.

So I go behind the bar and look out this mini -app. I was wrecked in the

bathroom and I just went at him like a boss.

Come on!

Come on!

After that, everybody scattered.

I didn't think anything of it.

But the very next day, I went to go see Bob.

All right, Bob?

All right, Bob?

Bob wasn't happy about the incident outside the club.

I've had to deal with the police, the commissioners. The police come and they

try closing him down and, yeah, the guy wasn't happy.

With an axe?

You're a clown.

I brought heat to his legitimate business.

He told me I needed to stay away from the bar.

Do you hear me?

I want to do Peru.

And then he said to me, Peru?

It's gone. The run to Peru was out the window.

You had your chance and you blew it. Do you hear me now?

I wasn't going to earn that five to ten grand.

Now, on your way.

Bob turned his back on me.

I felt outcasted.

I was upset.

Do you know what I honestly thought?

I thought I was up and coming. I'm going to be this big, bad gangster that I

wanted to be all my life.

And I vowed to myself, Bob wasn't going to stop me from doing it. Nobody was

going to stop me from doing it.

I decided to do it on my

own. I didn't need Bob to sort it out. I could go somewhere else and do it

another way.

And I made my way to a good friend that I got.

Oh, a stranger.

And her name is Michelle.

How you doing?

Good, you? Yeah.

Michelle wasn't some dolly bird. She was serious.

She knew the people that Bob went through to do the runs to Peru.

Michelle, I need you to do me a favour.

So I asked Michelle, I pressured Michelle, to intro me to the Peruvians

me a contact or whatever. She said, are you sure you want to do this? I said,

yeah, Michelle, I want to do it.

I want you to do it for the buzz.

Hi. Yeah, it's me.

I've found the perfect candidate.

Not only for the money, but for the buzz and the respect.

Babe?

But... You know when you get that... in the film?

She tells me.

When you get there... Somebody's going to bring these capsules to you.

And you have to swallow them.

I was shocked.

I assumed that it might be a kilo in a suitcase, like...

Swallowing drugs is a whole different ballgame.

Most people would have pulled out.

I didn't.

I was going to get 12 or 13 grand, and I just wanted it, I was craving it, I was

chasing that buzz and I was chasing that money.

Let's do it.

I thought, right, let's go for it, let's do it.

So a few days later, I landed in Peru.

It was... It was like stepping into a different world.

I'd never been anywhere like that before.

Are the girls nice, yeah? Yeah.

Check in.

To my hotel.

Just couldn't believe where I was.

I was like, wow.

That was where it all hit me. That's where it hit home at that point.

Where am I?

There was no going back.

I decided to go and explore.

I went to different bars and clubs.

They bought me 3 .5 grams of the best Coke I've ever had in my life.

I'm sorry I enjoyed my time there.

I didn't sleep much.

I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I

I didn't really want to answer it, but I knew I had to.

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

Is this Ainsley?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Ainsley says... You need to go to Park, Kenzie. One hour.

Wait, which park?

Yeah, I had a million thoughts running through my mind at that time.

I was scared, but I had to do what I come here to do.

Every time somebody walked past... I think he's this him.

Is that him?

No, man.

Hello, hermanito.

How's that, mate?

This must be him.

And he's walked up with a black plastic bag.

I didn't look in the bag.

Didn't want to look in the bag.

I didn't want to see what it looked like.

And he said, do you know what you're doing?

I went, yeah, mate, I know what I'm doing.

So then he gave me a little pill. He said, eat this pill an hour before you

to the airport.

It stops you from going to the toilet.

It constipates you.

Now I've got the bag.

And I've got all this coke.

I felt the weight inside that bag.

I thought, wow.

I saw a lot of weight that I've got to eat.

The fear set in then.

I stood there in front of my bed.

No way.

I thought to myself, that's impossible, I can't eat all that.

I didn't think I'd manage to get it inside my body.

But I couldn't just throw a kilo of coke in the bin and say, right, I'm off

home.

Then I started to panic even more.

I was in too deep then.

There was no way out.

I lined all these pellets up on the bed.

Ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, five.

Like 85 of them accounted.

I'm panicking, petrified, nervous.

Right.

I thought, tomorrow's set off, 11 .30 in the morning.

I'm thinking, it's now seven o 'clock.

I've got well over 12 hours.

So I psych myself up. I work my mind. I get my mind ready for this.

I get my glass of water.

I pick up the first one.

scratching my throat on the inside.

I thought, no, I can't do it.

I've got to get this in. I've got to get this down my throat.

And I drink it and I swallow it.

And I feel it sliding down my throat and into my stomach. You can feel it

actually inside my body.

And I go and I do it again.

And again.

And again.

And I get to about eight, nine, ten.

And I'm getting used to it by that time.

It took me about an hour.

An hour and a half. I still had about another six rows, ten in each row to go.

I had to do it.

I had to keep going on.

And I carry on for another hour.

And then really I do feel full.

I feel bloated.

I guess what I remember is 47.

I remember that number specifically, 47.

Start retching.

So I run into the bathroom.

Nearly fell to my knees. I was sweating. It was hot.

I was panicking.

My heart sank.

I was devastated, yeah. I just wanted him in, man. I just wanted him in.

I'm running out of time.

I'm thinking, I'm not going to make it, I'm not going to make it.

I was wounded, I was gutted.

But if you come out, you have to go back in.

And I realised... I'd been rushing them, getting in as many as I could, as fast

as I could. That was probably why my body was rejecting it.

So what I did was I slowed the pace down a little bit.

And as the hours went by, the rolls were getting less and less.

So I had about another ten more.

Fifteen more.

Someone's coming up then.

I'd been awake all night doing this.

And I eventually got the last one in.

About an hour before they had to set off for the airport.

And he had it here.

He had it there in his throat. I could feel it right there, the last pellet.

He hadn't dropped. There was no room in me. I was pulled from the bottom to the

top.

I took the pill.

I hope for the best.

Looking down at my stomach, you couldn't tell that I'd eaten a load of pellets.

I knew it.

My stomach was tightening.

Uncomfy.

The taxi's all over the place. It's bumpy.

And them jiggling around everywhere.

Oh. Oh.

Steady driver, mate. I was thinking that could burst one of them.

I start feeling a bit woozy.

I start panicking.

I fell off my head.

That was very, very scary.

I just wanted to get home and get them out.

But I've only just got in this airport, and this woman comes from my left.

She was the airport security.

And she did a double take.

It was almost like she recognised me.

But I just got to keep my head cool.

I didn't want to come across to anybody like I was nervous.

I started walking to the checking desk.

But then that woman wearing the uniform was now stood talking to two other

people.

Looking and glancing in my direction.

I started really getting paranoid then. They were on to me.

I'm thinking, right, don't look at them. Keep focused, stay strong and keep

calm.

And I get to the checking desk.

And all of a sudden, behind the checking desk,

that woman said, can you step over

here, please?

I knew they were on to me. I knew it. I felt it.

They opened my suitcase, searching in the base of it, searching all my

I was terrified.

I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to keep Carl.

But then all of a sudden...

You can go now.

Wow. I wanted to dance on the checking desk.

I was proper over the moon.

I went up the escalators and made my way to the departure gate.

I was thinking, I've done this.

I'm going to get home with no problems.

This nightmare was nearly over.

I was nearly on the plane.

Guess who's there then?

She was like a magician that just popped out of nowhere.

I could see she wanted my blood.

Please, please, come with me.

So she leads me around this wall.

That was when my heart dropped.

It was a body scanner.

that's going to show my insides, clear as day.

Numb. Feeling numb.

She presses a button on the computer.

And I do it, I move a little bit, till I blur the vision.

Blur the x -ray.

Quieto! Oh, she screams at me. Stop!

Stand still.

Yeah, my heart's gone. I don't feel anything. I feel absolutely dead.

And she goes, right, sit there.

And she leaves me on my own.

There's no way of getting out of that. Oh, he accidentally swallowed the 85, 12

gram pellet of coke.

But I'm an opportunity.

If I can try and get myself out of that situation and escape, I will.

So...

Started running.

I ran through the straps.

Bam, bam, bam, bam.

And I just, for a second I thought I might get away.

But then out of nowhere all these police come.

Don't tell me I was wrestling with men.

Get off me!

Get off me!

They had me.

Game over.

They led me to a medical centre.

I knew I wasn't getting home.

The doctor puts the X -ray on this white light.

It shows from my neck all through my intestines.

I was loaded up from head to toe.

And he goes, aye, aye, aye.

Even the police officers were shocked.

And the doctor went to me.

You do know if one of these burns, you're dead, don't you?

So they give me a load of fluid, laxative fluid.

Then after a while, I can feel myself needing to go to the toilet.

I need the toilet.

The toilet.

And they said, right, you've got to go in that bucket.

I said, what?

Five minutes later, I'm squatting over this bucket, feeling embarrassed.

I'm squeezing my stomach.

And it was like a machine gun.

I had all these pellets come shooting out.

Yeah, they hit that bucket.

Took three days to get all of them out.

Took me 12 hours to get them in, but three days to come out.

And finally, the doctor was telling the police that, yeah, he's clear.

So I was expecting some sort of trial, some sort of court hearing, but that

wasn't, no, it didn't happen that way.

I was shackled by my feet and they escorted me out directly to the prison.

The prison was in the middle of a shantytown.

I didn't know what to expect.

I'm waddling along because of the shackles.

And as I walk in there,

It hits me, it's like, wow, it was like a nightmare.

I've been to prison many a times before, but this one was a whole different

ballgame.

UK prisons are like holiday camps compared to India.

I was scared, I was frightened.

And then they said, right, get in there, and you're going to sleep on that floor

there.

There was people everywhere. It was overcrowded. It was like inhumane living

conditions.

And then... It's time for lights out.

You see the lighters.

All over the place, people are smoking crack.

And amongst the flickers on the walls, you can see these cockroaches crawling

all over people's backs and over their faces.

At that moment, everything closed in on me.

There was nowhere to go. I couldn't escape my demons. I couldn't escape the

nightmare I was in. I couldn't escape the place where I was.

I hated myself because I was now locked up abroad.

I was now one of them people that I'd seen on the TV years and years earlier.

I was now living that nightmare.

The next morning, I was starving.

The hunger pains in my stomach were unbearable.

The servery guy digs me rice out of the pot

and uncovers a boiled rat in the bottom of the cauldron.

My stomach was like... All the muscles in my stomach just started retching.

It was revolting.

But I needed to eat.

I needed some money.

I really needed to speak to Bob.

I was in a desperate situation.

If anyone could help me get out of that situation, it wouldn't have been

Michelle. It would have been him.

I was hesitant.

He's still annoyed with me for doing the run to Peru.

Sainsley. Hello, mate.

I've been nicked in Peru.

That's not a girl, is it?

He wasn't angry with me.

He was actually gutted for me.

What's it like in there?

I told him, like, it's not a nice place.

Proper rough.

I can imagine.

So then Bob ended up telling me something that really blew my mind.

You sit up, mate.

Bob was telling me the drug traffickers send people intending on them to get

caught. While everyone was watching you getting nicked at the airport, the

clever ones had just walked straight through.

Used a decoy for them, mate.

Suddenly it all made sense.

The woman, the way she looked at me as I walked through the doors into the

airport, watching me, whispering, glancing in my direction.

They threw the police a bone.

I was that bone.

While in the queue behind me, other people are coming through with more

So the proving's used me as bait from the beginning, and I never realised.

Listen, Ainsley, I want you to be strong.

I will send you some money.

All right, thanks, Bob.

Appreciate it, man.

See you later.

See you later.

I was gutted, man.

I thought it was a somebody.

I thought I was a gangster, I thought I was in the big league, I thought I was

up and coming.

But really I wasn't.

There'd be times coming, hard, hard times.

I knew it wasn't going to be good, it wasn't going to be easy.

This was now going to be the biggest test of my life.

See you, Mum.

I was given six years and eight months.

And I felt so alone.

Alone on the other side of the world.

Thinking of the people that I've lost and left behind.

Thinking about my daughter.

She was six years old when I went on the run.

I'm not going to get out until she's 13.

I wanted to speak to my daughter on the phone.

I hadn't spoke to her for a year.

I dialed her mum.

Hello.

Sainsley. What do you want?

Listen, can you put Ellie on the phone?

She wouldn't let me speak to her. She said, no, you're not speaking to your

daughter. She doesn't need you. She doesn't want you.

I've told her where you are. She knows what you did.

You've sold us, Dwayne.

You're a terrible father.

Don't call back. Wait, wait, wait.

I was caught it.

I went on the run and they hadn't spoke to me for a year. That's my fault, that.

I blame myself for not speaking to her. I should have made more of an effort.

So when I hung up the phone, I was a mess.

The emotion turned into anger.

Angry, I was furious.

Fuming.

And I bumped into one of the inmates.

And he comes to me. What do you think you are?

He's screaming at me.

He started punching me.

My fuse had blown.

I had just lost control.

And I didn't stop. I didn't let go.

The guards come out of nowhere.

And they grabbed me and they pulled me off.

I got marched out by the guards.

And they put me in a hole.

The hole is isolation.

I was on my own, like a caged animal pacing.

I had nothing to do. There was nowhere for me to go.

Every day in that hole, I used to put one more tally.

One, two, three, four, five, cross.

One, two, three, four, cross it.

Days got turned into one month.

Then six weeks.

Then two months.

It wears you down.

It starts to grind on you.

It punishes you.

It's torture.

It's mental torture.

It's emotional torture.

I've done this to get myself out of one situation to better myself and I've just

got myself in a worse one.

Thinking about me being a failure as a dad.

I've repeated what my mum done to me, what my dad did to me.

They all abandoned me.

What my family have done to me, I've done that to my own daughter.

I failed her.

I ruined my life and her life. I ruined everything.

But it's all me.

Nobody else.

Who can I blame?

Who can I blame?

I was hard, man.

I can deal with physical pain. I can't deal with emotional pain.

That was where it all started, the downward spiral.

I started to freak out because I didn't know when I was going to get out.

They wouldn't let me out.

I was at rock bottom.

They were breaking me. They were trying to break me. It's mentally trying to

break me.

She knows what you did.

I was going insane in there. She knows what you did.

I was thinking

that I wasn't going to survive.

I knew I'd have

to fight to get out of there alive.

I wasn't going to give up. I couldn't give up.

I pressed up. There was nothing else for me to do. Press up, press up, press up,

and more, press up.

I had a lot of time to think.

I stopped deluding myself.

Nobody else put me there but me.

If I did a crime, you do the time.

And I was doing hard time.

Very hard.

I made a promise to myself to change me way.

All right, then.

See your daddy.

Be a better person, be a better dad.

He's being a bit silly.

Get out and give her... Not only money.

It's not about the money.

It's about me time.

Give her the time that I've missed out on to make an effort with her.

I'll see you soon, mate.

To try and get that bond that's been broke back.

To try and build a life with her.

I was in there nearly five months.

So when I finally got out of that hole, back into the population, it was

amazing.

Now it's time to change.

Now was the time to make the promise to myself to make myself a better man.

It was all or nothing. I had nothing else.

Eventually, Bob sent me some money, and that was like a lifeline to me.

I needed that money to buy me bed.

This is when it started to change.

My ex finally come round.

Hello? It's me again.

Listen, can I have a talk? Right, hang on.

Ellie!

She let me speak to my daughter. Who is it, Mum? It's your dad.

And I heard a little voice and I said, Ellie?

Yeah.

Is that you?

Hiya. Hiya, Dad.

How you doing, sweetheart? You all right? Good, thanks.

I told her that I loved her and I'm sorry for leaving her.

I said, um...

And I'll make it all up to her when I get back.

Mum's saying I've got to go now. Bye, Dad. I miss you. Bye. Bye -bye.

Bye. Love you.

Just to hear her voice, yeah, it lifted my spirits.

I needed something to remind me of her.

So I decided to draw a chain and I put Ellie and Ainsley inside it.

I got that chain made.

42 grams of pure Peruvian silver.

I spent the last bit of money that I had.

I kept it close to me, kept it under my pillow.

I slept with it every day.

And I made a promise that I would see her one day when all this nightmare was

over and give it from my hand.

Into her hand.

I started to channel my energy in a positive way. El brazo.

I used to lie there and just study the dictionary, Spanish dictionary.

I wanted to grab anything I could out of that experience, out of that nightmare.

I loved educating myself.

I loved making myself better.

I started to paint cells as a way of making money.

These grey, grey walls of people's selves started changing into colour,

It bloomed.

Everything just evolved.

It was definitely the first time I had a reputation for doing something positive

and good in life rather than bad and negative.

I'd been in there six years and eight months.

The guards come, call me to go, to go free.

I had so many butterflies in my stomach.

I'm walking out there, I'm leaving that pass behind me.

I left everything in there where it belonged.

Them gates opened and I walked through them gates into freedom, into the

world.

I finally got to give Ellie the necklace in person.

Yeah, and that was one of the proudest moments.

Just to look her in the eye and give her that chain that had kept safe, that had

battled through.

That was the end of one long, massive, stressful chapter.

So now I've got a proper job, carpet fitting and floor laying.

Watch your fingers.

Please don't be chopping your fingers.

Do it slowly, slower.

No rush.

Now it's the new chapter.

Bright future that I'm going to make for myself and my daughter.

That's it.

The gangster lifestyle was the way I wanted.

But I was chasing dreams.

I needed that sentence.

Because it made me the person I am today.

A better person. I'm a better man for it.

I'm proud of myself now.