Original subtitles

When you hear the tone, it will be 5 a .m.

Please stay tuned.

At 6 o 'clock, one hour from now, we will present our daily educational

University at Daybreak.

Today's subject will be the evils of educational television.

That's in one hour from now.

May we remind you to tune in to our 6 o 'clock news tonight.

The day's events will include one gangland killing, one accidental

persons held hostage in a Brooklyn bank, the Board of Health reopening a gay

bar, a venereal disease clinic at an old age home in Queens, and President Ford

walking and chewing gum at the same time.

And now, back to our film.

Good morning, love child.

Good morning, love child.

Pleasant dreams?

Weird.

I dreamt I jumped into a large vat of ice water.

Oh, really?

All alone?

Uh, yeah.

Actually, all alone.

Funny, huh?

Hysterical.

Who are we going to have today?

Um, a critic, I think.

A critic? That's what I need, an intellectual.

No, no, a film critic.

Have we ever had him before?

I don't think so.

I don't think I can handle him all by myself.

Do you think we could share him?

Must we?

Didn't I help you out with the tennis player?

The things I'd do.

Thanks. I bet he'll want to take pictures.

Do you think they'd mind if I took a picture?

No, no, no. Why don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable?

Good morning. I'm Jillian Blake. How do you do?

Hi, nice to see you. Nice to have you on the show.

Can I get some coffee here, please, Sam?

Hello, Jillian.

Mind if I take a picture?

Do we have a copy of the book? How's it going, Peter, okay?

He said he was a critic. He is a film critic. Would you mind saying something

into the microphone? We need to let him.

I'd actually like to say a few words.

Hi, sleepyheads. It's Jillian Blake.

And I'm William Blake. And with us today, we have a very good friend of

the noted film critic and historian, Harold Harold.

You may not always respect him, but you'll always agree with him. I think I

that wrong. Let's do traffic. The LIE is all jammed up. The Triborough is a

mess. And the East Side Highway is bumper to bumper.

Best way into New York now is the 108th Street footbridge.

And we're back on the air with Harold Harold.

The state of the film industry is deplorable.

I see 10 to 15 films a week.

Just the other night, a thing called Crush Stockings.

It was a travesty.

First of all, the sound. I love sound.

No sound.

All sort of photography, completely out of focus.

Now, the script.

I mean, I don't know who's writing these scripts. I just can't understand.

Nothing. I mean, every time I started to get into it, I just couldn't understand

a thing.

But Harold, if the film was so terrible, then why did you give it such a good

review?

Well, actually, I think it was the director. I think he's a great, great

director. And I have to admire him for being such a great director. I just...

He's a great director, that's all I can tell you. Everything he's done, I've

loved. The FDR is loosening up. The best way into New York now is the Staten

Island Ferry. It's 15 seconds before 10 o 'clock.

What? Already?

How time flies. And thanks to our guests for getting up so early to be with us.

Until tonight at five, this is Billy's Jillian. And Julie's Billy. Have a nice

day. Drive carefully.

You can't miss.

How many

times

a day are you on? Twice a day.

We get the folks to work and we bring them home. And we even appeal to those

roam. You're wonderful.

But where can I hear my interviews?

Well, I'm not really sure. You see, they delay the interviews.

Someone at the station decides when the exact moment is right for that

particular subject to go on the air. It's an astrologer, I believe. Oh,

my hobby. I'm a bull.

You didn't have to tell us.

Um... If you won't be needing me anymore, I'll be getting back to town. I

some problems for Tuesday's programming.

What problems?

I'll call you later.

I told Taylor Hawkins that I'd try and see him first thing this morning.

Aren't you going to see him at the party tonight?

Well, there may be a new agency man there. You know, it's... Oh.

I'll try and call you later from the studio, okay?

Maybe we can have lunch if you're in town. Well, where can I reach you if I

to get in touch with you? Well, we may be taping some spots. I don't know what

studio it is yet.

I'll call you as soon as I get to graduate.

I'll be right back. All right.

Can I fix anything?

Yeah, I'd love a maraschino cherry juice.

You've got it. And a two -cent plate.

Hi,

love bunny.

Hi, love bunny.

What's big love bunny going to do to little love bunny?

Well, Big Love Bunny is going to come and sit down right next to Little Love

Bunny. And put his hand up Little Love Bunny's skirt? And put his hand right up

Little Love Bunny's skirt.

Big Love Bunny's got Little Love Bunny's point.

Big love bunnies. Little love bunnies. Nippy.

Oh,

big

love bunnies.

Got his finger on Little Love Bunny's pussy.

Big Love Bunny's playing with Little

Love Bunny's clitty.

Doesn't he?

Big Love Bunny is going in and out of Little Love Bunny.

Big Love Bunny is putting his other finger Back in little love bunnies.

Fuzzy.

the wall.

Who's the fairest of them all?

That's only one bird's opinion.

We'll have to take a more conclusive survey. I haven't let myself go.

Too much.

Put Big Love Bunny's finger up Little Love Bunny's ass.

Put Big Love Bunny's great big cock up little love bunny's

teensy weensy ear.

I've got it. You've got it? You'll cheat. I'll cheat. A little messing

You've got a lot of reasons.

I have lots of reasons.

Name some.

Number one, it'll give me reassurance. Number two, it'll give them reassurance.

Number three, it'll feel good. No stupid?

Well... If I can find a few acquaintances and appeal to the inner

them, well, then perhaps I can find the inner man in my own husband.

Right on, sister.

Music.

I don't admit that I did anything wrong.

But even if I did,

there's such a thing, Jilly, as the three -year, five -month itch.

I think you know me well enough.

You know I'm not a sexist.

It's just, it's a question that... You see, sometimes men and

women have different needs.

I'm living in a soap opera.

Well, if it isn't a question of needs, then... Well, then sometimes men and

women are just a little out of sync.

Our marriage is going through its dubbed period.

I mean, I would understand it perfectly well if you decided to suddenly get very

hung up on, say, doing social work.

Or if you just wanted to spend a few hours by yourself once in a while.

I think they put something in your maraschino cherry juice and two cents

You know, Julie, the solitary aspect of modern man is considered by many to be

the most neglected.

I know they put something in your maraschino cherry juice.

Who could possibly argue with the fact that it is the female of the species who

is by far the more understanding and As a result

of that Proclivity of nature the more forgiving I wouldn't forgive you if

Brent asked me to maybe that's the trouble

She has nothing on.

You know who she's going with now, don't you? Oh, my goodness.

Well, that's why she's showing so much of it, I suppose.

Hey, Fred Astaire and Ginger Roger. How are you? How are you?

Hey,

big fella.

Keep up the good work.

Hey, Morton, where's the boo?

It's over there in the corner.

Forget it, Mike.

Oh, my God.

He's gained about 50 pounds.

Of course, you know why.

They're not doing it anymore.

Everything okay?

Yes, ma 'am.

Come on.

Come on, work.

Do you see her walking down there?

Hi,

Ernie. Gee, I think this is the best costume party I've been to this year.

Is this a costume party? We don't get to see you very often.

Well, I do have to get up early with most people. You don't practice the good

neighbor policy?

Depends on how good I think the neighbor is. I have another drink.

Looks like we arrived just in time, Marvin. Having fun?

A little too many people for my taste.

I don't feel too comfortable.

Why don't they put the air conditioner on? You better get another case of

champagne. Well, I really don't know where it is. Come with me and I'll show

you.

Keep me company?

The music is so loud.

Are you man enough to lift up?

Come here and let's see.

It's check -up time.

I'm going to blow your mind.

Hey, Gloria, you're pretty good at that.

Don't tell Morton what I'm doing.

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't say anything.

Because if I know my husband, Morton, it'll be all over the neighborhood in 24

hours.

Not bad.

Hello, Bunny.

I'm sorry it's gone.

Yeah. Hey, I can come for you.

I'll bet you use up a lot of champagne at your parties.

But, you know, I heard he lost his job.

Or at least they demoted him or something. I can't remember exactly what

told me.

But we were under the hairdresser dryer.

And, you know, I think that was it. He's getting half his salary now. That's why

they can't do anything.

I've got it.

You've got it. You'll cheat.

I'll cheat.

A little messing around.

I think you're running a little low on the champagne.

I know where it is.

Oh, wait. Do you know where the Chateau Great Western is?

What? I'll show you.

Wait a minute.

Are you man enough to lift that?

Sure.

No, no. Come here, dummy.

It's checkup time.

Well, what are you dressed as? The cover of After Dark.

Here we go.

Don't get too excited.

Not good to get too excited.

It's really growing.

Getting...

Big and hard.

Come on.

Isn't this great, baby?

You're really going to get off.

So big and firm.

It's getting really big now.

It's growing. It's really growing.

We're getting close.

Bring it up.

We're really going to get off now.

Come on.

We're really going to get off.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Let's go.

You already

got off once today, didn't you?

I haven't gotten off in two weeks.

I wish they would do something about those plants. You know, I love plants.

I can't stand to see them all dried up like that.

I think it's pity, really.

I mean, after all, they can't go walking away and get some water. It's not like

a dog or anything, you know? Hi, team.

Hi. Hello, Mrs. Blake.

We have to change tomorrow's interview completely.

Billy, you're... with this showing?

An old -fashioned. I like a girl who likes old -fashions.

Oh, I'll bet you moderate in some way. You'd be surprised.

I really am rather old -fashioned in many ways.

Uh, no hanky -panky? No Inzyowski?

Not you, Mrs. Blake.

I would never fool around with a married woman.

You really mean that?

Absolutely.

However...

Should you decide to leave your husband, perhaps we could capture a rare moment

of lost elegance.

Well, if I can find a few acquaintances and appeal to the inner man in each of

them, well, then perhaps I can find the inner man in my own husband.

Right on, sister.

Have you ever thought about diseases?

I mean, have you ever thought about how many diseases can attack your lawn?

If it's smut, brown patch, powdery mildew, if you cut the grass too short,

dies out.

If you forget to water it, it dries out.

If you get a hot summer, it fries out.

All that hard labor for nothing.

Oh, I think I've had it so hard in here. Come on, let's go.

Oh, Jane, you know, it's so nice to see you again. Oh, yeah, me. It's lovely.

You lost about 20 pounds.

It's great. It really is. I love it.

Come on, let's go there. We've had enough, those canopies. You know, there

was. I didn't eat all day just waiting for those canopies. It's just simply

I never tasted them.

How did you get your pants all dirty?

I only have to give my name, rank, and serial number.

What does that mean?

Welcome to World War III.

We've been talking with the author of the American Lesbian's Quick Weight Loss

Diet Cookbook.

Have a good day.

Drive carefully.

Thank you very much. That was very nice. Thank you.

How many times a day do you both do this? Twice a day. Yeah, we take people

work and we bring them home. We even appeal to those who roam.

Thank you. You were wonderful.

Mrs. Blake?

Yeah. This is the morning schedule.

Oh, very good.

If you don't need me anymore, I'll be gone.

All right, I'll see you in the morning.

I thought that went pretty well.

It's all right.

Well, I have to get into town. I have a client's meeting this afternoon, so I'll

see you later.

Ernie Mickles, please.

Jillian Blake.

Ernie. Jilly, I've been a very naughty little girl.

A naughty little girl?

A very naughty little girl, and I need to be punished.

Punished? Yes.

Oh, no, no, not that one.

Use this one. It's so big and black.

Okay. Punish me.

Beat me.

Whip me.

Punish me. I've been very bad. Very bad.

Take me.

Punish me.

Oh, yes.

Like this. Like this.

Would you beat me right here? Beat me right here. I got some skin. Look, I got

bruise here.

Beat me right here. Ouch. Ouch. Come on. Right there. Ow. Ow.

What are you doing?

You're not going to take all the things.

Oh, no. Don't take that. I like that.

What did you do with the vibrator? No, wait. Beat me like this. Beat me. Look.

Look. Beat me on the stomach. Beat me on the stomach. I like being beaten on the

stomach. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Give me something.

Oh, give me this. Give me the mouthpiece. I don't want the chain.

Oh, stop it!

to sit here and... Phyllis!

Phyllis, will you please?

Phyllis!

Phyllis! Phyllis! I'll tell you.

That's enough, okay?

Phyllis. Phyllis!

Phyllis!

Phyllis, wait. Will you?

Please.

Little love money does that so well.

He likes it.

Love bunny, love.

Big love bunny.

Bye.

Yes.

A little love going on tomorrow.

Now.

Thank you.

Hello? Oh, Marvin, it's Jilly.

Oh, hi, Jilly.

I'd like to see you.

Okay, but someplace very private. I'm not going to eat you.

I know people think I'm an ineffectual creep, but I really don't like to be

conspicuous. I'll work it out.

Thanks, Jilly.

Billy. Yes, darling.

What do you think of Marvin Goodman?

I think he's an ineffectual creep.

Billy. Good night, Billy.

In keeping with our policy of keeping you abreast of current trends in today's

permissive society, we have with us a very special kind of actress who deals

a very special kind of film, one that in fact we are watching right here this

morning. And I must say that it is of a very explicit nature.

I would have to add it is certainly well acted, done with enthusiasm,

creativity.

And it does deal in a very explicit fashion. However, it does certainly have

what I would consider redeeming socialist values.

Social. Social values.

I can only say that it is very explicit.

Julie, would you say that?

I would say that it's very explicit. And now we pause for

just 30 seconds.

I'll put you down.

I'd like to thank our guests for getting us up so early to be with us this

morning. Have a good day.

Quite a show.

Oh, yeah, this is the end.

How many times a day are you on? Twice a day.

Yes, you see, we get people to work and then we bring them home.

We even appeal to those who go.

Listen, I have to get back into town because I'm doing some promos with

today. So I'll see you later.

Okay.

I don't know why they don't have smaller parties.

Marvin, it's Jilly. Listen, can I meet you someplace?

I promise you it'll be very inconspicuous.

Hi.

Hello, Marvin.

What's this?

I couldn't get a taxi anywhere.

What, are you nuts?

It'll... Come on. It'll be all right. But it's... Isn't it a little

Very nice.

It's all for privacy.

No one is here but you. Julie, come on. You're crazy.

Okay, take it away.

Not a bus. I asked you for privacy. Come on up.

There's a private up there.

I'm afraid. Don't be crazy.

I don't have any money.

I told you I have everything under control. It's all taken care of. But I

you I don't like to be conspicuous. No.

Um.

Um. Jill, you're crazy.

Marvin, they can't see in it. I don't think they can see in it. Of course they

can see in it. Are you nuts?

Look, you can see everything up here. That's what I'm afraid of.

Look. I don't want to look, Jill. No.

I don't want to get up

Get up. Marvin,

come on. But there's so many people.

It's going to be all right. That looks like my wife. Oh, no.

Marvin, don't you know the secret of life?

Secret? What secret?

You've got to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves.

Tell the world to go...

Don't

you understand that the more people that there are...

the less they see.

Maybe if nobody sees.

Would you like to get off on 5th Avenue?

Julie, what are you doing?

Jilly.

Jilly? I don't think you're completely aware of your position.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hello out there.

Go fuck yourself.

That's right.

This is Marvin here.

Fuck you all.

How do you do?

Go fuck yourself.

You too, you fucking cab driver.

You

little

bitch.

Hello, you fucking idiots out there.

Go fuck yourself. Fuck you all.

I've got little Jilly right here.

What have you got? Your fucking briefcases.

Oh, Jilly.

This is the only way to travel Oh

Okay, that's enough. Come on. Joe, come on. Villains, come on. Joe Bart, come

on.

All right, now what's happening in Chicago?

Are you sure there is such a thing as naturally refined sugar?

Well, you find out then.

Okay. Okay, let me know.

Little love, honey.

How many times a day do you do this? Twice a day. We get the folks to work

we bring them home.

We even appeal to those who roam.

I'll be going now, Mrs. Blake, if you don't need me. I don't need you.

Yes? It's Marvin.

Terrific news. I can hardly wait to hear it. You've made a new man out of me.

Congratulations. When do I see you again?

You don't.

I don't. No, in spite of the impression I may have given you, I'm not an

adulteress. I just borrowed a very nice apartment from a friend of mine with a

terrace and lots of traffic. Thanks anyway, Marvin. I'm flattered. Take care

now, Marvin. Bye -bye.

Hello, Ethel.

Listen, I'll be home early tonight.

Anything I can pick up for you at the store?

Perhaps we could capture a rare moment of lost elegance.

Taylor?

Jillian Blake.

Listen, I'm in terrible trouble. You've got to help me.

You came. Where can we talk?

Down there.

Oh, I'm so upset. I'm leaving, Billy. I've had just about all I can take. I

really need somebody to talk to. Will you please talk to me?

There's such a thing as a three -year, five -month itch. Now, calm down.

Taylor, thank you for meeting me.

Oh, what are friends for?

You're really very nice.

Now, what's all this about you going to leave Billy?

Going to leave, Billy. I've left, Billy. It's over. It's done. I'm free. I

couldn't be happier.

What did Billy do to make you so happy?

He's having an affair with another woman.

What? Oh, when?

Does he sleep out?

Oh, Christ, no. He'd never do that.

Oh, well, that's a completely different story.

A woman should never be jealous over what happens to her husband before seven

'clock at night.

How's that?

I think you're making a mistake.

You do?

Certainly do. Go back to him.

Fight him on his own ground, cheek to jowl.

Fuzzy to fuzzy, you mean.

Go back, Julie. Go back.

If only we could all go back. Back to a simpler time, a less complicated time.

Taylor, could that be? When life was so much easier. Couldn't I stay single just

a little while longer?

May I invite you to a lovely luncheon?

I know a wonderful place.

Taylor, you make me feel so... When I'm with you, I feel like something out of a

silent movie.

What?

Hello?

You may cancel the brandy.

If you stick your tits out, you know you'll look better. Get over there. Get

over there.

Come on, tits out, honey. Come on. Keep it bright, Julie. Come on.

Come on, Julie. I know you hate it, but how often do you do publicity shots?

Oh, wait, wait. Hold on, wait. A little more makeup. Keep it bright, Julie. Come

on. Come on, add a girl. Okay.

Tits out.

Oh,

thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello? Hi, love bunny.

How are you?

Hi. I have to go take a script out to Julie.

Okay, why don't I meet you about, uh, uh, 3 .30? Okay.

You gonna play with Little Love Bunny's fuzzy?

Oh, uh, okay, uh, uh, that's fine, yeah.

I'll, uh, we'll have dessert together.

Okay. Bye -bye.

Always something.

It's been terrific. And please tell Billy I'm so sorry I missed him. I'll

him. Yes, well, thank you very much.

Thank you. Bye -bye.

Hi, Mrs. Blake.

I saw you in the pool and, well, I thought, do I look as good as Billy did?

Better.

Much better.

I brought the revisions for tomorrow.

Thanks. I wanted to ask you something.

I've been offered this job in television and I'd like your opinion.

I don't know what to do.

I could go for you.

Come here.

You like Billy, don't you?

He's very nice.

I mean, you like to be with him.

Well, yes, I do.

Must you dance every dance with the same fabulous man?

If you're going to leave, I'd better kiss you goodbye. What?

I never kissed my boss's wife before.

I'm feeling your point.

I'm feeling your fuzzy.

I'm going to kiss your little fuzzy.

Mmm.

Mm.

Bye. Bye.

I don't understand, Billy.

I mean, I never would have left you for me.

I wouldn't have either.

I've never been in love before. I realize that now. In love?

Totally and completely.

I can't wait to tell Billy.

Billy, now just a second. Don't worry.

This will always be the one true love of my life. But it will always remain

incognito. Now I'll have to take that job.

Dear Big Love Bunny, I love you.

I have, I do, and I always will.

But something happened to me today that, well, I hope it happens to you, except

it already has.

I mean, it's hard to explain, but I've met my one perfect love, and I'm leaving

you. I'm leaving everything.

I'm getting out of your life.

out of New York City, and out of the apartment on Sublet.

For the first time, I've experienced complete emotional and physical

fulfillment.

I've known the act of unselfish love.

I am complete.

I think it's time to move to Southern California.

Always think of me as one who loved, not wisely, but unwell.

Hi.

Have a good day?

Tired tonight.

She had a glass of wine.

And the joint?

Why don't they show the garbled version?

Marguerite, I know why you let Potter happily like that.

I know why you said and did all the things that you tried so hard to make me

believe. You should have told me the truth.

I meant well.

But that isn't enough.

Is it?

Who are we going to have tomorrow?

An explorer.

Oh, really?

When's he done?

I think he's the only man with just the stars to guide him to ever

successfully reach the top of Anita Eggberg.

Phyllis is leaving the show.

No one's irreplaceable.

No.

No.

We still get the folks to work.

And we'll get them home.

We even appeal.

Those. But it doesn't.

It will.

I feel lousy.

Poor baby.

I'll help you, Margaret.

Don't start, Julie.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get it on again. I'll make you well again.

Not even with me?

You want to get off?

Stand up please.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

Hmm.

Baby. Baby.

Thank you.

Show it to me.

Show it to me.

What? Nothing important.