Original subtitles

I feel like I've been running away from my problems for most of my life.

I was intolerant, volatile, destructive.

I was brought up with those old beliefs that big men don't cry.

They'll get out there and fight.

The false male masculinity.

Look, I'm a big man. I'm a tough customer.

I'm not scared of anyone.

But the biggest fight I've ever fought was with myself and how I feel.

I was my own worst enemy.

My name's William John Moore, but you can call me Billy.

I grew up in Liverpool in the early 70s, early 80s.

There was a lot of poverty, riots, violence.

It was a scary place to be as a young child.

I felt really troubled as a young kid. I didn't feel like I belonged into my own

house.

There was no love, there was no empathy, there was no intimacy.

My dad was volatile.

He drank alcoholically. He was very violent.

And I'd been beaten down for years.

So I joined a boxing club.

Boxed up until the age of 14, 15.

And I was definitely on the right path.

However, my life took a different turn.

I found myself standing on street corners, using drugs, causing loads of

and suddenly I was a teenager graduating from weed to smack on my 15th birthday.

I'm up against the wall.

Over the next few years, the addiction led to theft, burglary, robbery,

violence.

I was in and out of prison for over 15 years.

I became really lonely in my world.

No family, no girlfriend, no children, no nothing.

So I went to a rehab for a period of six months. It changed my life totally.

I was ready to start again.

In 2005, I planned a trip to Thailand.

I was about 18 months clean in recovery.

Stopped using booze and smoking, drinking anything.

I had this fantasy going on where I was going to adopt this new culture, learn

this new language, live the rest of my days out in Thailand, meet the woman of

my dreams.

When I arrived in Chiang Mai, my head was spinning.

Chiang Mai was overwhelming.

It was something I'd never experienced anywhere in Liverpool, so it was all new

to me.

Life at that point was beans on salt and fish and chips, and everything was

different, and I wanted more of it.

After a couple of weeks, I got a job.

Show boxing.

Every night I'd be walking around with a little box that had tapes on it.

That adult finance, roof over my head, a little bit of food, transport.

I felt I was achieving something and I felt good about myself.

One night I see this woman.

She just took me breath away.

I'm Billy.

Nina.

So, Billy, why are you here in Thailand?

I told her I was here on an adventure.

She said no -one comes here for an adventure.

People are hiding something.

It was like... She, like, just looked right into my shoulder and saw...

Everything that had gone on in my life, it was just strange.

It felt really comfortable.

So I just started spilling my guts, telling her everything.

I talked about Liverpool and, you know, we were lacking a lot of love.

And the next thing, she just gave me the biggest hug.

I didn't know how to deal with it.

Because when I was younger, no one wanted to hug me.

No one wanted to hold me and tell me I was okay.

Over the next few days, she became my tour guide.

We were inseparable.

I could see the white picket fence, the house, the children.

Fell in love with the idea of being in love.

I felt that that was the answer to everything that was going on in my life.

To be needed by someone and wanted.

But it was something niggling at the back of my mind all the time. I knew

something wasn't right.

At the weekend, she'd go missing, and I started to ask questions about why

she'd switched her phone off.

So I said to her, what are you hiding from me?

What do you need to tell me?

And then she finally admitted the truth.

Oh, it ripped me

to pieces.

I'll do anything, you know. Was begging, pleading.

Billy.

But getting nowhere.

She wanted to be with this other guy.

But the moment she told me, it was like being hit by a train.

When life landed the emotional blows.

I couldn't cope.

Took me back when I was a kid.

I'd come home crying because I'd had a fight with someone.

I just wanted someone to tell me, you're OK, you're going to be safe.

But my dad would say, get back out there, don't you dare cry.

Showing any kind of vulnerability was a weakness, so I needed to bury those

feelings.

Suppress everything that was going on.

I knew it was wrong. I'm clean.

But the alcohol looked attractive.

Every fibre in my body was screaming I was drinking.

And I made that decision to have one.

I drank that and I felt like...

I like that relief.

I'm on

a mission now.

I want to get some cocaine. I want to put a plaster on a disaster.

That's what I'm looking for.

I'm looking for anything.

It's changed the way I feel.

I was ready to go in and suddenly I just stopped and there was a moment where I

thought about where they could take me and I tried to play the tape a little

forward and see the consequences and I couldn't.

I walked into the room.

It was four guys playing cards.

I couldn't wait to get out of there as quickly as possible.

She comes back in, and she pulls out this pink sablet. I said, this is not

I asked for. Where's the cocaine?

She said,

it's Yabba.

I'm thinking, what the hell's Yabba?

We asked her, what's she going to do to me? Is this an opera? Is this a dance?

And she said, methamphetamine mixed with ephedrine.

It was a cheap, mass -produced drug that was full of caffeine, that

was used to keep long -distance drivers awake.

Yabba, translated into English, was basically the madness drug.

She said, hold it, hold it.

Then I thought, I'm going to pass out here.

Once I released it, wow.

Focused, I'm alert.

I could hear the pins drop.

Five miles away, I was down a lane.

And I wanted more.

From that day forward, the waking thought was, I need more of this.

I was smoking more and more each time.

It engulfed me.

And I thought, if I can't have the company of a female, I'll have the

drugs.

Go home.

But soon, I am burning through my shavings. There's nothing left to fuel

-growing habit.

I was desperate, and I needed to get high again.

One evening, I walked this guy with a few heavies.

He introduced himself as P -Long.

You know, pulls out a bag full of Yabba tablets.

I'm looking at them.

I'm thinking they look like what I need.

I have propositions.

Sell Yabba to Horner.

This is heavy. This is not what I want to get into.

This is taking things a bit too far now.

Temptation of using.

and having an unsolved amount of drugs in front of me.

It was a powerful kind of decision I had to make.

So I said, yeah, let's do it.

That decision... changed the rest of my

life forever.

So we had to get rid of these drugs somehow.

Not having to worry about getting my pay recognised and out there on the streets

by the police.

So I found this guy that had a shared love of Yabba.

Listen, Yabba, I need a shift.

You can help me sell you a cutting room supply.

He thought it was a great idea.

We can sell these.

Not a problem.

Poor man.

And we shook hands there and then, and the deal was done.

So I'd get the parcel.

I'd pass it on.

If I was getting 500 pills, I'd probably make $2 ,000.

So if you're going to start a mini -drug empire and live off the profits,

then Thailand was a pretty good place to start.

I'd go out and spend what I want, eat at the best restaurant.

and visit nightclubs and the party life.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a millionaire by any stretch of the

but I might have been if I hadn't smoked all that supply.

But I didn't really care about the

money.

Yabba was giving me everything that I needed.

I never ever thought I'd get caught and go to prison.

I thought I was too clever for anything like that.

I bought these phones from market dealers and they were just benefit

They just kept me one step ahead of the game.

The progression of my addiction.

I'd evolved.

Once again, I was using drugs to escape how I feel.

I was repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result.

You're never in control.

I believe I can use when I want, stop when I want.

But I can't.

The boxing was long gone.

The paranoia had already begun to take hold of me.

Of course, everyone knows all about me.

Knows my name.

Knows where I live.

The psychosis had me believe that someone was out to get me.

I believe I've got loads of enemies.

The shutters are down.

The door was bolted.

Come on!

But I had no idea who I expected to come through the door.

I feel like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now.

I knew it was all changing and I was heading in the wrong direction, but

is a powerful brother.

It was a few weeks later.

I'm woken by a phone call.

It was one of the boxes.

I have some boxing you left with me.

Where are you?

In the apartment.

See you soon.

Then the minute I put the phone down, I realised it didn't ring through.

Being held up in this apartment for months.

I've only ever been boxing.

I knew there was something definitely wrong here.

And all of a sudden, nearly where the police, all suited and booted and ready

storm my apartment.

I'm looking around the room.

They find these Jabba pills.

My life won't be worth living.

Next thing, there's a bang on my door.

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

We have to get rid of these drugs somehow.

I have to plug them where the sun doesn't shine.

With me backside.

There's no pain. You're not going to feel the pain.

The pain is getting caught.

Eventually, I got rid of everything.

They're gone.

A man on the road.

A man caught before him away.

But they knew the drugs were saved. They were out of the way. They weren't

finding them.

And then, one of the police officers picked up a phone.

He said, you stole it.

He said, no, this is stolen.

Forced. It's just a phone.

I'll be out within a few hours.

I was taken to the local police station in Chiang Mai.

They laid out all the phones on the table.

They're the phones that I use to selfie, Abba.

Stolen.

Huh?

But obviously there's no drugs.

It's just a phone.

It's okay.

Pay it fine.

I thought it'd be okay.

He'll go to prison.

To my prison.

I just know this doesn't look good.

I hate that Shanghai prison. It's one of the most barbaric prisons on the

planet.

We arrived outside these gates.

It was a daunting experience, to say the least.

I've still got these drugs in my backside.

I've never been so nervous in all my life.

We were all lines up.

And he asked us to stay.

Do you want the people to squat?

Ten times.

Because if he were hiding anything, he was going to drop out.

I'm absolutely terrified.

I've all got these drugs.

And I'm aware that he could make an early appearance.

Two. Three.

I'm squatting low.

I'm cleansing my butt cheeks.

Four.

The guy with the phone in between his butt cheeks is being dragged away.

He's getting battered.

And I'm thinking, if that's just for a mobile phone, what will he do to me?

I was absolutely terrified.

Six.

I'm clenching.

I'm really, really going for it.

Something else is getting dragged away.

This is not looking good.

I'm on eight.

I'm on nine.

This is painful.

The relief that I feel is incredible.

I look up in the sky and I thank whoever is up there, you know, for watching

over me.

We're marching to the cell.

And everyone was just looking up at me.

I feel like a novelty.

Scan the room. There was not a bare bit of floor in sight. It was just a mass of

wriggling bodies.

There's a motionless body.

He's actually got a blanket over his face.

And then the inmate then pointed and said, he said, he go Monday.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I've got to sleep next to this body for almost two days.

Did they not, like, value, like, anyone's life?

Or respect anyone?

This place was a death sentence.

How the hell am I going to get out of this?

I literally got no sleep that night.

And it was the longest night of my life.

I was desperate. I felt like I needed to get these tablets out.

Although it wasn't private, I didn't care.

I scavenged around for a little bit of foil. I liked it. It wasn't hard, you

know, to come by.

This is all I needed.

I could get through as long as this was by my side.

I'd been at the prison for a few weeks and I'm escorted to the compound.

He's calling off the name.

Blah, blah, blah, that's your sentence. Blah, blah, that's your sentence.

For today's, the day I'll be going home.

For some reason, he think he understand their language. I don't.

I was all confused, looking around for an answer. You know, what's happened?

you tell me? I've got no idea.

That's just a regard.

How long's it been?

He said, three years.

Very serious offence.

Three years.

For a phone.

I had to sit down.

Shaking and thinking, well, this has got to be a dream.

This can't be real.

Three years in this hellhole, why can't you?

Another day here.

Over the next few months, I settled into this hellish regime.

The same thing day in, day out.

You know, whistle, you look.

The whistle goes.

Swaps.

The whistle goes.

Everyone stands to attention.

Living your life on the whistle.

It drains you mentally, physically.

Spiritually.

It deprives you of like any human free will.

Using more and more yabba to cope.

Because you know how to wear you down and break you.

I wish I could have just, like, went to sleep and not woke up.

A three -year sentence.

It's not, like, the biggest sentence on the planet, but it was a long, long

time.

It's a shame in a Thai prison.

I thought, I can't get any worse than this.

Little did I know.

I'd seen a young guy running past, and someone was in pursuit.

He'd come up, I started babbling.

The guy on the floor is screaming, and I've never heard nothing like it in my

life.

It was animalistic. It was coming from the very depths of his soul.

I knew if I'd have stepped in and intervened, that could have been me on

receiving end of that blade.

It was terrifying to witness.

I replayed that scene over and over and over in my mind.

You know, taking drugs was an escape, but I had to do something else.

At the prison, there's a boxing gym.

The boxers, they look lethal.

They look strong, sparring, kicking.

You know, they're enjoying what they're doing.

And I feel quite envious and quite jealous because the only time I ever

alive was when I was in the ring.

And I want a part of it. I want to be a part of it. I want to be in there.

I knew I wasn't ready to get in the ring.

Yabba had me in a vice -like grip and I couldn't escape it.

I keep thinking about this young guy being killed in the compound.

I felt guilt.

Because there's people out there that leave someone to stand up for them.

Leave him alone.

Don't be picking on him.

Give him a break.

It was time to put on a mask and have that brave exterior.

We'll see you later.

I didn't know then.

but I was going to regret getting involved in other people's fights whilst

prison.

A few days later, I've just picked

up my food.

I'm looking for a place to sit down, just eat it in peace.

Suddenly, these guys looming over him.

And he didn't look too happy.

Come, bro.

I'm thinking to yourself, Britishie, game over.

Fight for me life.

And then I feel something hard and solid hit me on the back of the head.

I'm in trouble.

I'll probably end up dead.

I'm

taken

off to a solitary confinement.

I was just dumped.

The state of the shell was the state of me life.

Empty.

I was running out of yabba.

No confidence, no self -esteem.

I'm an empty vessel lying on the floor, beaten to a pulp.

It was just a deep sense of shame.

I was at the lowest I could ever imagine. I realised that if I didn't

myself up, I'd keep descending into the very depths of hell.

To change, I had to get clean.

I said, look, you can do this.

And it was at that point that I knew I needed a boxing.

And that was because when I'm boxing, I fight for my self -esteem, I fight for

my confidence, I fight for my life.

It was the only thing that was going to save me.

It was a few weeks later.

I had a little episode to confirm it.

Hey.

I'm going to speak to the boxing coach.

I said to him, let me in just once.

I need to fight. I need to train.

And finally, he opened the gate and he let me go in.

The boxing coach introduced himself as Nan.

He had his mitts on.

He said, OK.

If I was doing something wrong, I'd get a shake of the head.

If I was doing something right, it'd be OK, very

good.

I was screaming internally.

someone to see me and acknowledge me like that.

Over

the

coming month, we went back every day.

I stopped taking drugs.

Yeah.

I was in a good place physically and mentally.

Me and Nan grew close.

Growing up, I was rejected by my dad.

I wasn't shown any love.

I wasn't guided or shown any way in life.

No God.

There's no God in me.

It reminded me of a dad I wanted.

And one day, the dad I wanted to be.

Hey, Billy.

One day, ma 'am, make this proposition.

There is a fire inside my soul.

I want you to fight Porn.

You serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I felt really grateful for that opportunity because Porn was... He was

be a great boxer.

Thank you.

At that time, boxing was keeping me clean.

Boxing was keeping me focused.

And for the first time since I've been sentenced, I felt alive.

I'm in the boxing compound, the ring's all settled.

I look across to the opposite corner and there's Pong.

And I know he means business.

I'm focused because I wanted to prove that I wasn't just some junkie

drug addict who had no hope and nothing left to offer life.

When I was a kid, I started

boxing because I wanted to impress my dad.

It made me feel...

that I'm not good enough.

Those words, you could do better, that my dad said to me years ago, resonated

around my mind.

But it was down there, I realised every fight I'd fought

was with myself.

It wasn't just one opponent.

I needed the beat.

It was myself and how I feel.

Through the boxing, you know, I'll later be a better person.

And that's what I strive for.

After the fight, I felt the most freest I'd ever been.

I started thinking about plans that I had for the future.

For the house, the children, the job, the family.

And finally, I felt I could move forward.

I was about two years into my sentence when I was told, you're going home.

You're flying back to the UK.

I blew all my time in prison.

I learned to put your car down and show people that you're human.

There's no need to hide behind a few scars and a tough exterior.

To be a man was to show fear, to show feelings, to express vulnerability.

There's a lot of positives.

That I've come out of this negative.

Nowadays I use my platforms to share my experience with others.

I've got a podcast which is quite successful.

I'm on receiving end of other people's stories instead of me own.

Yeah, we're looking at my boy.

Albie, he's my little miracle.

I wake up every day and, you know, I want to speak to him, I want to talk to

him, I want to tell him I love him and, you know, I want to tell him he's going

to be okay.

I'd be able to... I'd be able to, like, nurture.

You know, this little boy there.

He's basically like me.

Well, I felt a bit emotional after that picture that you sent me with a ton of

bricks. It was weird.

No, he come.

into this world, you know, happy, joyous and free.

You know, that's how we start life.

I believe if you've got kids, then, you know, nurture them.

Show them the right way.

Listen to them.

Give them a hug.

Tell them that they're loved.

Because a decade from now, you know, those nurturing experiences might, that

might send them down a different path.

That's a good place to leave it.

Can I give you a hug? You can.