All language subtitles for You Know What Sailors Are 1954-en

Time, gentlemen, please.

No....

Come along now, gentlemen. Time, please.

You need a double "one".
- Double "one", is it?

One more for the sea, Elsie.

Too much sea and too many sailors.

Oh, no, no.
- Come on now, gentlemen.

Haven't you got no home?
- Just a little...

I thought you boys was all off to China?

No, they are, but I'm not. I'll
come in and cheer you up, Elsie.

Well, you can start by going
home, that will cheer me up a lot.

Green, come on, it's your turn. Double
one and we've won the game. Double one.

All right, double one.

Elsie, what I...
- Yeah!

That's not the navy!

Well you know, you should
have been in bed hours ago.

What about your fighting?

I thought we needed a double one.
- Sail to China, will you!

You got a double one! Get up out of there.

But who got the...
- You got it.

Green, walk straight. You're making me giddy.
- Ssh. Got to zig-zag.

Submarines!
- Huh?

Submarines!

Where the devil are we?

Got a compass?
- No.

Green! Green! Green! Where are you, Green?
- Green!

Full astern together.

Man overboard.
- Full ahead together.

Away we go.

In Amsterdam there lived a maid,
and she was mistress of her trade,

we'll go no more a roving..

Sylvester wants it.

Up we go.

I've got them. I've got them.

Look! Andy.
- What?

Come on.

What is it?

Welding gear.
- No!

No! No!
- Ssh.

Come on. Hurry. Hurry up.

Ssh.

What?

Oh, Green.

Sir?

Oh, Green.
- Sir?

Come up here a minute.

Sir?
- What do you make of that?

New, isn't it?
- Where, sir?

In their radar installation.

It's a type '998', I think, sir.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Pretty short wave lengths.

Three hundred.

Centimetres?
- Millimetres.

What, with cables?

With... with tubes.

Oh! Queer it should
be fitted to a foreigner.

I must say it's a bit thick.
- What is?

We have to struggle along
with a lot of out of date gear,

whilst that foreign tub over
there has a brand new '998'?

What the devil's a '998'?
- Well, radar of course.

I'm going ashore after breakfast
to complain to Owbridge.

There's plenty of work going on. The
ships are being fitted out all the time.

There's a shortage of new material.
There's a shortage of old material.

In fact; there's a shortage.
- I appreciate that, sir,

but I do think a ship of our class
ought to come before some foreigner...

foreign vessel.
- '998' you say it is?

Yes, sir. It's actually fitted to
that Agrarian destroyer out there.

It's quite fantastic.

The latest thing we've got is the
'270' and very troublesome it is.

Oh, Betty, what do we know about '998'?

The drug?
- No, no, no, radar.

I've never heard of it, sir.

Well, look on the files, girl.
Look on the files.

Aye, aye, sir.

It's, er... my boy's birthday.
- Oh.

Oh!
- There's nothing on type '998, sir.

Nothing?

Well, um, ask Lieutenant Smart to come in.
- Aye, aye, sir.

It's all rather humiliating, sir.

After all, ours is an important ship.
She's been in a couple of major actions.

And our captain is a friend
of Douglas Fairbanks.

She should have up to date equipment.
- And she hasn't?

No, sir.
- On.

Come in.
- Sir?

Oh, Smart, type '998'.

Who?
- '998'.

Oh, the er, the new thing.

Mm, yes. It appears that this Agrarian
destroyer has been fitted with one.

Well, not by us.

No, I thought not.
- But I saw the thing.

Find out all you can, will you?
- Aye, aye, sir.

You'd better keep in touch with Smart.
- I will, sir, but I still think that...

Owbridge here. Er... yes.

Are you sure it was '998', sir?

I should know a '998' when I see one.

Why?
- My dear chap...

Well, I mean, after all you
could have been mistaken.

I was not mistaken.

All right. I'll go and have
a look at it after lunch.

I want you to get this signal off, Betty.
- Yes, sir.

Well, read it.

Lieutenant Green. Sylvester?

Yes. I'm afraid he'll have
to leave us for a week or two.

He's been lent to the Agrarian
destroyer to instruct them in '270'.

Will he have to stay there?
- Why? Don't you trust him?

No. I mean yes. Of course.

Have you ever done something
you feel ought not to have done?

Never. It's always been worth it.

Beg pardon, sir, but the Captain
would like to see you in his cabin.

All right. Thanks.

This is it.

Come in.

Sir.
- Oh, Green.

This Agrarian business;
you know about it, I suppose?

Yes, sir.
- I'd rather it were anyone but you, Green.

So would I, sir.
- It happened last night I believe.

Yes, sir.

Oh well. I suspect they'll
look after you all right.

Yes, sir.

I don't know what the food's like.
I've never experienced it myself.

Naturally, sir.

Well, there it is.

It shouldn't take you more than a couple of
weeks to give the chaps the hang of the gear.

As soon as you get the
Agraria you can come home.

I beg you pardon sir?

You've bee lent to the Agrarian destroyer
as radar instructor. Here's the signal.

But I... I...

I understand the Agrarian President
is travelling back with you.

He's been over here on
some sort of official visit.

Agraria's a bit of a
trouble spot these days.

Watch your step.
- Yes, sir.

All right, Green, report to
the Captain of the 'Agraria'.

Aye, aye, sir.

Darling.

Looks like you're getting off
the leash for a few weeks.

Darling, I... I'm in a fix.
- But it's only for a little while.

No, no. It isn't that.
It's... it's much worse.

What! Again? Oh, darling,
what is it this time?

Come with me, I'll... I'll show you.
- Oh.

Look at it.

Where?
- There.

Well, what did you paint it for?

Well, you know the Navy, if it
moves salute it, if it doesn't paint it.

In the Arctic we even painted the icicles.

Now you're sure you told no one?

Oh, some two-and-a-halfer asked
me what it was but I soon put him off.

I told him it was a '998'.

So you started all that!
- Started all what?

Oh, you fool! The entire office is in a
panic because everybody wants a '998'.

Oh no! What am I going to do?

Well... well, you'd better get away
to Agraria as soon as you can.

At least you'll be out of the way.
- But what am I going to do about this?

Oh, chuck it overboard one night.

I knew you'd have the answer.
Now, why didn't I think of that?

Because it's common sense, that's why.
- Darling, I must go now.

Take care of yourself,
and hurry back, won't you?

You bet.

Bye.
- Bye, bye.

Just er... tuning it, old boy.

I'd like to stuff that '998'

right down a certain Lieutenant
Commander's stupid throat.

Why? What's happened?
- Nothing.

Exactly nothing.
- Good.

But it's not on the Secret List. If it were,
there'd be hundreds of them lying about.

Then, where is it?

Well, it must exist somewhere.
This Agrarian destroyer had one.

There is a way of getting one.
- How?

Through Stores. With the
right signature you can

get a Battleship and a
full complement of men.

So you can. My girl has the
art of form-filling to a nicety.

Oh, Betty. I want you to
make out an O.S.5. for a '998'.

Mm?
- An O.S.5. for a '998'.

'9... 9... 8'?

Yes. Lieutenant Smart's waiting for it.

'99...
- ... 8'.

I want a type '998', please.
- Aye, aye, sir.

'998' eh?
- That's right.

I er... I suppose you'd
er... like this sent, sir.

Well, any reason why I
shouldn't take it with me?

What have you got, car or lorry?

Well, how big is it?
- Oh, they vary.

Well, I don't want a very large one.

Well, it's destroyer
size according to this.

Oh, yes of course.

Yes, I think you'd
better have it delivered.

Have you got one in stock?

No, um, actually not. No, it will probably
be delivered direct from the factory.

When?
- Soon.

Well, it's priority.

Yes, I know. Don't you worry,
sir, you'll get your '998'.

Will I?
- Of course.

Oh, thanks.
- Don't mention it.

See to that, will you?
- Aye, aye, sir.

Aye, aye.

But, what are we going to do?

I don't know. All we've drawn
from stores is a blank.

'998' looks like developing
into a first class rocket.

Well, perhaps that's what it is, sir.
- A rocket? No such luck.

Well, what are we going to do?

You're going to fly over to that
experimental station in the Med.,

talk to the Boffin and get one out of him.

Betty will fix it all up for you.

Aye, aye, sir.
- What's happened?

The Admiral's on the warpath again.
- Oh no!

Let us discuss this calmly.

If you knew nothing about '998',
why did you sign for one for 'Tempest'?

Will you tell me that?

I thought if '998' had any real
existence, Stores would produce it.

Why did you doubt its existence?
- Well, I'd never heard of it, sir.

Do you always doubt the existence
of things you have never heard of?

No, sir.

In other words you applied for one through
Stores, in case you'd slipped up somewhere.

Yes, sir.
- Mm.

You say you've actually seen a '998'.

Yes, sir. On board 'Agraria', sir.
- Mm.

Make a sketch of what you saw.

It could be something of their own.
Something Agrarian. I hope the devil it is.

Probably invented by
Professor Pfumbaum, sir.

Who? Professor who?

Hyman Pfumbaum, the physicist.
He's exiled in Agraria, sir.

He's uncanny when it
comes to a thing of this sort.

He splits atoms just as regularly
as you and I have a glass of beer.

Beer!

There, sir. That's what it looked like.
- Mm.

Mm, looks pretty hideous.
Can you make anything of that?

I'm afraid not, sir.
- Who told you this is a '998'?

The radar officer on 'Tempest'. sir.
- Who the devil is he?

Lieutenant Green, sir.
- Mm, you'd better get hold of him.

He's aboard the Agraria, sir.

Do you mean to tell me that he is actually
in the ship that is carrying this thing?

Er, yes, sir.

Who was the blithering
idiot who sent him there?

Well...
- Come on, come on. Own up. Who was it?

Well, er, as a matter of fact...
- Yes, yes, yes.

Er, it was you, sir.
- I did?

Yes, sir.
- Get him back. Quick!

Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Now here we have Radar. Known
to us all as pippery and pulsery.

Er, pippery and pulsery?
- Yes.

Radar is known as pippery and pulsery.
- Pippery pulsery.

Our concern, however, is with the
'270' general search installation.

'270' is the general search installation.

Radar is the determination of the position
of a distant object or reflecting surface.

Welcome to never never land.

Why, hello, there. Nice
little place you've got here.

Yes, yes. I'm delighted to see you.

These are some of the
tricks we get up to here.

What is it?

Ah, now that complicated piece of
work started life as a sabotage detector.

How?
- Well, you see, you er...

you attached it to the sabotaged object,

and it registered on the dial
which parts had been sabotaged.

Oh!
- It never worked.

Ah, now this... this was supposed to
be an anti-sabotage sabotage detector.

Its purpose was to tell whether
or not its brother sabotage detector

next door was telling the truth.
- Did it work?

No. This one couldn't work
because that one never did.

Who dreams up all these things?
- I do.

Hey, is this another one?

New experiment in remote control.
- Oh, a robot plane. Huh, no crew.

The last word in anti-sabotage.
- Oh!

Mm. Must have a pretty
foolproof station here.

Oh yes. It is. Now what was
the thing you mentioned?

'998'.
- Yes.

'998'.

I've done so many trials, of course,
I can never remember the numbers.

'99...
- '8'.

'99...

Ah, thought so. I can't tell you a thing.

You're being a bit cagey, aren't you?

I think you'll find this is
rather a special case.

Oh, it's like that is it?
- I wish I could be more helpful.

I you'd asked me about anything but '998'
I'd have given you chapter and verse.

Surely you can help me out.

Oh, look, she's going up.
Now let's watch this.

Halt!
- Is this the President's cabin?

What?
- I want to see the President.

What? What?
- The President, clot.

What? What? What?
- You know, you remind me of a seagull.

What? What?
- What? What?

Are you the President of Agraria?
- Yes, I and she, er, I mean, I am her.

Could I see you for a minute, sir?

But of course, Lieutenant. Come
in and enter. I shall be diluted.

Take a seat, Lieutenant
and go right forward.

Excuse, please, I am
learning the English phonetically

and I want you should know that now
I am speaking such wonderful English

that we need not have the interrupter.

And now, Lieutenant, what is
it you wish to speak to me with?

I am seeing you are very much worried.

Across your face you have er, the winkles.

It's about '998' sir...

er, the ship's radar.
- Oh, you mean the radar.

Well, the captain tells me
it is working very beautiful.

'270' is doing all right, sir.
It's the other thing.

The other thing? You mean there are twice?
- That's right, sir.

Er, but as a matter of fact, sir, the...

there is no such thing
as er, the other thing.

There is no such a thing
as er, as this er, '998'?

No, sir.
- And, er, we have it on this ship?

Yes, sir, but it doesn't exist really.

Doesn't exist, uh?

Well, er, do not be confusable, please.

Have I not seen this, er, '998'?
Well, of course, I have.

Er, it is shaped like, er, those, er,

I mean, when you and er...
- That's right, sir.

Three brass balls and and old pram.

Old pram? Pram?

Perambulator, sir, for...
pushing babies in.

Pushing babies? Yes, yes, yes.
Of course, pushing babies.

Send for the doctor.

Yes, yes, I know what you mean.
You were pushing babies by the Radar.

No, no, no, sir. You don't understand, sir.
It was all a joke, sir.

Nothing disrespectful, of course, sir, but
your ship not being British and all that...

Well, there we were with the
balls and the old pram and

your ship was the only one
with welding gear on it,

and...

I was a little tight, sir.

Tight? Er, which means tight?
- Merry, sir.

Too much to drink, sir.
- Oh, you mean that you, er,...

Oh, I think I commence to understand.

When you are a little tight,
you play a joke on us.

In the, er, in the thirst
of enthusiasm. Uh?

Cancel the doctor.

British very funny, always.

My friend, it it that your own
people are knowing of all this?

Oh no, sir. I wouldn't
be here if they did, sir.

But, er, what will happen? I don't
like you to get into the warm water.

That's what I came to see you about, sir.

Could I throw it overboard?

Throw it over the board?
It's a very good idea.

We throw it over the board
together. Come, I'll help you.

You know, we'll tell no one,
but it's a very funny joke.

Three brass balls, old pram. Radar! Come.

Oh, so this is the thing
which is not, is it not?

That's right, sir. It's not.
- Yes, yes, of course. Now I see it is.

This is the pram.
- Yes.

These are the springs.
- Yes.

These are the three brass
balls and they're painted.

Yes, yes. And you're very
well done. It looks like Radar.

That's all there is to it, sir.

Good Heavens! What was that?

You... you did that!

Did what?
- That. You're deliberately aiming at it.

Well, how could I?
- With your '998'.

I saw you doing this
and that, and that and this.

But you can't aim this, sir!

Yes! You tell me on your honesty,
three brass balls, old pram, but it is not.

It is... poof!
- No, sir. Honestly,

I'm telling you the truth, sir.
- No, no, no. It is a ray.

No, sir. It's a... it's a lot of junk.
- But you are plonking you junket on my ship

for to make the experiment.
- No, but I assure you, sir...

Please be going down
the stairs, Lieutenant.

But, sir...
- I'll speak at you lately.

But, sir, I...
- Going down!

Take her away.
- But, sir, don't you... you...

Odd!
- Is it?

Good job there was nobody in it.

Stupid clots!

Sorry, darling.

Odd, very odd.

Hello. Hello, sir, Smart here.

I say, sir, something
extraordinary's just happened.

One of our planes flew over the
'Agraria', the destroyer with '998' on it.

It blew up for no apparent reason.

Blew up? All of it?

Well, you don't think '998'
had anything to do with it?

Suspicious? Yes, very.

But doesn't Blair know what '998' is?

Well, no, sir. He says
he's never heard of '998'.

Well, you'd better stay
there and find out all you can.

It's no good coming
back here until you have.

Something wrong, sir?

Oh, no. '998's' blown a
plane up now, that's all.

But it can't.
- I know it can't,

but whether it can or
whether it can't, it has.

Hello.
- Hello.

Owbridge here.

Owbridge, what the devil
are you doing about '998'?

Well, sir, I... I...

Where's that fellow Green?
Why haven't you got him back?

I want to talk to him and I want to
see a '998'. I want to close this file.

Er, yes, sir. Er, yes, sir.
I... I'm getting him back, sir.

Oh, straight away, sir.

Er, yes, sir. What have I said?

Hey, send for Lieutenant Green.

Send for Lieutenant Green.
- What? What?

Lieutenant Green.
- Oh!

Come in.

Lieutenant, please be sitting
down, Lieutenant. Please.

Thank you.
- Go away, you.

Forgive me, Lieutenant. I should not
be so roughly speaking at you. Please.

That's all right, sir.
- Thank you. My nerves are bad.

Since the explosion I am speaking
the wrong things, you know.

Er, may I pour a drink out
of you? Soda and whiskey?

Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you.

Will you please be telling me when
you wish me to commence to stop?

Wish... when... now.

Please.

I am unhappy. Turkish delight?

Oh, you don't like it.

What will happen when
it is being discovered

that my ship is responsible for this ... pouf!

But your ship isn't
responsible for anything.

Tell me, Lieutenant, tell me honest.
Your '998' is a secret weapon, huh?

Oh, no. Naval officers
don't have secret weapons.

They don't, eh?

Very well, when we arrive to Agraria
I will be asking my science man,

Professor Hyman Pfumbaum
to examinate your '998'.

Well, he's famous enough.
He should know his onions.

Onions? Oh, I don't know
anything about his onions,

but he certainly is a very clever man.

He has more brains in his little finger
than he has in the whole of his head!

And now please, will you
be remaining in your cabin.

You mean I'm under arrest?
- Oh, no, no, no...

you are my honorable jest,
er, guest ... in your cabin.

Then I am under arrest.
- I am so sorry, my friend.

I can't think for the life of me what
all this fuss is about, Humphrey.

After all, he's only a Navel officer.
- All I know is he's wanted for questioning.

Questioning about what? What's he done?

That, Wilfred, is what
they want to ask him.

Well, let's go and meet the chap.
- Mm mm.

I say, that's deuced funny.

We sent them the signal.

They knew we were meeting
him. What shall we do now?

Back to the Embassy and
get on the telephone, quick.

Er, this is the way which
it is, please, Lieutenant.

Welcome home.
- Thank you.

You wish me to deal with him?
- No, he is quite harmless.

Excuse me, sir, I...
- What? What? What? What? What?

I would like to deal with him.
- No. Better not.

Excuse me, sir. I really
ought to be getting home.

Yes, yes, of course, in
a good time. In a good time.

I assure you everything will
come to satisfactory confusion.

Are you in a hurry to leave?

I really ought to be thinking about it.
- Yes.

Those are my daughters.

I mean, of course,
daughters and their friends.

They speak English, too.
- Nice, very nice.

I'm home, girls.

Margo. Veego. Terese.

Omah. Anita. Glalia. Aeranoosh. Sarah.

Almyra. Hepzibah. Jasmine.

This is Lieutenant Green.
- Greetings.

You are welcome.
- He is our guest.

Er... Gladys. Gladys.

This is which it is my wife,
you must be meeting her.

Did you call me, dear?

Yes. It is so nice to
be able to seeing you.

I want you to meet Lieutenant
Green of the Royal Navy.

This is my wife, Haman
Ismael Ismael Gladys Pasha.

How do you do ma'am?
- Pleased to meet you.

Er, darling,

I want you to entertain the Lieutenant
while I am attending to my affairs.

Oh, yes. Anything you say, Ishmael.

I'll be seeing you lately,
Lieutenant Green.

But, sir...
- Come along, Lieutenant. Come along.

Would you care for some tea with crumpets?

Yes. Yes, I... I... thanks very much.
- Almyra, tea, dear.

Run along, girls. And
what boat are you on?

I'm not in a ship actually.

Oh. Oh, I called it a boat, didn't I?

Yes. You're English, aren't you?

Oh! How did you guess?

Well, I...
- Oh, yes, I'm English.

It was very funny really.

I came here a long time ago on one of those
conducted tours. A motor coach, you know.

Well, one day we stopped to
look at the sights, and I got lost.

The guide said turn
left, and I turned right.

Never did know my right from my left.

And I'd gone a long way before
I realised I'd made a mistake.

And there I was, surrounded by
natives and bazaars and things,

camels and donkeys and
smells. Oh, I was frightened.

Because I was all on my own, you see,

apart from the camels and the donkeys and
the natives. And I didn't know what to do.

Anyway I went up to a man. Nice looking
man he was, and I said mm... "Excuse me,

have you seen the Manchester Women's
Auxiliary League and Mothers Guild?"

And he said; "No, I haven't, but
have you seen my mosque?"

I thought he was
being a bit saucy at first.

Anyway, he showed me his mosque
and soon after that I married him.

It's romantic, isn't it?

Are... are all these your daughters?
- Oh, no, no, no.

The palace is always full of girls, my
husband likes to have them around.

Yes, I'm not surprised.

There's far too many of them for
me to introduce you to them all.

You wouldn't remember their names anyway.

Just call them "dear", or something.
They'll understand.

Oh, will they?
- Oh, yes.

Thank you, dear.
- You are welcome.

Would any of you girls like
to be mother or shall I pour?

We have a joke about
that sort of thing in England.

But I... I don't suppose
you'd appreciate it.

Sugar?
- Mm? Oh, thank you.

Lieutenant, you must see the garden before
anything else, you must see the garden.

I know how you Englishmen
love your gardens.

Alymra, Jasmine, Hepzibah,

take the Lieutenant and show
him... show him the petunias.

They're just like the petunias in England.

Run along, now. Never mind your
tea, you can come back for that later.

It's very kind of you, but
there's nothing like a cup of tea.

Listen to me, all of you.

Your father says we're not to let the
young Lieutenant out of our sight.

He's invented something or other
and he's a very important person.

He's to be kept a prisoner
in a kind of a way,

but in a very nice kind of way,
if you know what I mean.

And he's to have anything that he
wants to keep him happy. Anything.

I would love to help you. I would love to
help you very much, but I'm sorry I...

I'm sorry, I'm very sorry,

but Lieutenant Green is staying
with me as my guest; indefinitely.

Is there any reason why I can't speak
to Lieutenant Green on the telephone?

He's tied up? What do
you mean, 'he's tied up?'

Tied up? Whatever for?
- Oh, with your daughters.

But really, Excellency, I'm
afraid I don't quite understand.

His instructions are to
return home immediately.

Oh, but it is very understandable;
you just haven't seen my daughters.

Well, what did he say?
- Ignorant chap, can hardly speak English.

But what are they keeping Green for?
- Questioning.

I say, they can't do that.
- You tell them. I'm going to phone home.

S.R.O.'s office. Yes.

Yes, I'm holding on.
There's a call from Agraria, sir.

What? What? What? Oh... er.

Hello. Hello. Hello!

Oh, sorry. Hello.

Yes.

Yes.

What?

Who?

Green?

Why, they can't do that.

Are you sure?

Why, dashed cheek!
Well, can't you get him out?

I don't know. I'll have to think.

Good bye.
- What's happened?

They've locked him up.
He's a prisoner in the palace.

Sylvester! Whatever for?

I wish I knew. Oh, why did I
ever join the Navy? I hate water.

Sir, I have a confession to make.

Not now, dear, not now.

It all happened on the night
before Sylvester went away.

Yes, yes, I dare say.
- He'd been drinking.

It so often happens like that.

'998' is nothing but three
brass balls and an old pram.

What did you say?

Three brass balls and an old pram.

How do you know?

Sylvester told me. It was only a joke.

A joke! He gets himself locked
up in a harem and calls it a joke.

What am I to tell the Admiral?

But the thing's on record. We've
asked for one through Stores.

We've got to produce it now or the file
will rest on the old man's desk for ever.

Hello!
- Hello!

Oh! Owbridge here.

Owbridge, what are you doing about
Green? Isn't there any news yet?

Er... Yes, sir. As a
matter of fact there is, sir.

He's reached Agraria and
he's on his way back, sir.

Oh, he is. Oh good. Then... then I
can expect to see him soon, eh?

That's right, sir. Yes, sir.
Not at all sir.

Thank you, sir. Good bye, sir.

What have you done?

We've got to get him
back and '998' with him.

But you said he was on his way.

I couldn't say he wasn't, he'd have
been through the phone at me.

I wonder. Sir, could you have me
appointed to Blair's Experimental Station?

What for?

Well, I could pick up Smart from
there and go on to Agraria with him.

What do you want to go to Agraria for?

Well, to smuggle Sylvester out.

Smuggle him out?
- Mm.

How?
- Oh, love will find a way, sir.

What a silly thing to say.
- But it's true, sir.

I know it's true, but I don't believe it.

We could do it unofficially;
cloak and dagger stuff.

Oh, no! No, I couldn't allow it.

But, sir, you've already promised
to deliver him. It's your only hope.

Oh, well, have it your own way.

And I'll stay here and face
the music with the Admiral.

And I know what sort of music that will be.

Poor Sylvester. He may be going
through all sorts of horrible tortures.

Mother, when the professor arrives,
you won't fail to let me know, will you?

It's terribly important.

Of course. Don't you worry,
you run along and enjoy yourself.

So many girls, so little time.

Good evening, madam.
- Good evening, Professor Pfumbaum.

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant.

Your attention, please.
- What is it?

Professor Hyman Pfumbaum has arrived.
- Send him in.

Professor, come in.

I'm so happy
to see you in my palace at last.

I want to talk to you.
- Excellency. Excellency.

You know I don't understand your language.
Only broken English we speak together.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course, of course.
Only broken English. Excuse, I forget.

Come in and enter sitting down, please.

Professor, I -

Pfumbaum, I wish to
have you listen at me.

Hyman!

Pfumbaum! I'm telling you the tale.

Professor, perhaps the most importantest
tale in the whole history of Agraria.

Sitting down, please.
Turkish delight? Oh, you don't like it.

Hyman, I'm believing that heaven
has let fall on my head a miracle.

A miracle?
- A miracle.

A new and a secretest invention.

An invention?
- Mm. Mm.

Secretest?
- Mm. Mm. Ssh.

But I... I...

When you love

really love from the start.

When you fall, give it all

from the heart.

Make surrender soft and tender

as the stardust from above.

When you love, when you love,

when you love.
- I must see the Professor, I really must.

When you kiss make that
kiss mean forever more.

That's when paradise

opens up the door.

When that call brings you all

you've been yearning for.

Then your dream begins

in a world of wonder.

When you love, love but one

till you die.

Take your fill of love's thrill

with a sigh.

Make surrender soft and tender

as the stardust from above

When you love, when you love,

when you love.

Oh, this is awfully
bad for me. Do it again.

I always believe in dressing
for dinner, Lieutenant.

Oh, I... I couldn't agree
with you more, sir.

Mm, more sheep's eyes, Lieutenant?

Oh, no thank you.
- He doesn't like it.

This is all very nice, sir, but I really
ought to be on my way home.

Oh, surely you're not thinking
of leaving us so soon?

Well, I... I really ought
to be on my way back.

I might be court-martialled.

Now you've upset Hepzibah.

I'm dreadfully sorry.
I... I didn't mean to.

She falls in love very easily, that one.
- Yes.

It isn't that I want to go away.

It's... it's a question of duty.
- Oh, duty.

Well, darling, it would be a great pity if
the Lieutenant should leave, wouldn't it?

Mm.
- You know, Lieutenant,

you've made a slap with my daughters.

Hit dear, he's made a hit.

A slap is mm, oh something quite different.
- Oh!

Excuse me.
- Uh?

The Professor wants you.
- I'll come at once.

Now, Lieutenant, I am sorry, but
Professor Pfumbaum wishes to...

to speak at me urgently.

Well, if I come with you...
- Ah, no, no. No, please, you stay here.

Hyman.

Well?
- Well, what?

What? What?
- Mm?

But the invention?
- Oh.

Um, I have studied the
instrument known as '998'.

Yes?
- I have studied it very closely.

Yes.
- Three brass balls and an old pram.

Oh!
- Oh, why?

But are you sure, Hyman?

You have not done a
mistake, maybe, perhaps.

Excellency, when I say
an atom is split, it is split.

Didn't you read my book on Nuclear Physics

published by the university?
- Yes, yes, I did. I did.

I do not wish to split atoms
with you. I just want...

But, Professor, when the plane...

Oh, what a pity.
- Oh! You thought when the plane... pffft

that was '998'? No, no, impossible.

No?
- No.

Come.

Peep through the Scescescope, peep, peep.

Pointing at me. They always do.

Everyday there are more and
more rockets along the frontier.

Everyday there are threatening
notes from Smorznigord.

Well, I ignore them of course, but...
Hymie, Smorznigord is wishing the war.

Very soon they will be making
a ruddy quick march on us.

I have pimples on my goose.

Poor Excellency, you...

you did not hope that, '998'.
- Yes, yes, yes,

I was, but it was just a foolish dream.

Dreams sometimes come true.
- No.

Perhaps I could make this one come true.
- No, no, no. Just stupid.

Well, you were deceived.
- Yes.

Why not others?
- Why not?

Why not... Smerznigord?

Yes, why not? You think of something, yes?
- Hold up!

Thinking.

The young Lieutenant...
- Yes?

he must not know of course.
- No, no, of course.

We could deceive him too, in a good cause.
- In a good cause.

You think you could keep him here
somehow?

Keep him here!
- Mm.

It's very easy.

Did I ever show you a
picture of my girlfriend?

This is a girl?
- Yes.

Why? How do you know?

How do you usually know?
Of course it's a girl.

Girls are different from men.

I can only see a face,
she looks wrapped up.

Oh, that's the uniform.

Yes, she's a trim craft. Quite trim.

Am I a trim craft?

You, my dear, are the sweetest
little destroyer I have ever seen.

Oh, Lieutenant, won't you
let me come alongside?

Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children,
she didn't know what to do.

Do not rise, do not rise, Lieutenant.
- That's all right, sir, I've risen.

Lieutenant Green, you can be congratulated.
- Eh?

Yes. Yes. Professor Pfumbaum thinks that...

Um. Do you need any more of that?

Oh. Oh, no, thank you, sir.
- I thought so.

Er. go and find your mother, darling, dear.

Oh! But I thought you wanted me to -

Huh! So naive.

You said something about
congratulating me, sir.

Oh, yes. Yes, Lieutenant,

you can be congratulated.

Professor Pfumbaum says that
your '998' is a wonder weapon.

Well, then he must be bonkers.
- Eh?

Er, mad, crackers, bonkers.
- Oh, you think that he's er...

Oh, no, no... you are modesty.

It is the proud boast of every
Englishman he does not boast.

But, sir you must be
barking up the wrong tree.

You have got the wrong end
of the stick, sir.

No, I am not sticking or barking.
I'm thinking.

I'm thinking you cannot
be returning to your country now.

Why not?
- Because you will be accused of treason.

You will be locked up in
the Tower of London, click.

And then shot at dawn.
- Dawn?

Yes, dawn. Just before it stops being dark.

You think so?
- I know so. It is a fatal.

So I'll keep you here. Hm?
- Ah! A prisoner.

Prisoner, no. For your own safeness.

You will not find it bad.

Not bad at all.

No more girls, please, sir.

Would you like new ones?
Some er... fresh ones? Ahmed!

Oh no, these are fresh enough already.

But I warn you, sir, it's an
officer's duty to try to escape.

Try, please try, Lieutenant.

I'm not going. I've changed my mind.

Oh, don't be a fool.

Look, this has got nothing to do with me.
Let Owbridge do his own dirty work.

Be smart now. You can't let me down.

I can't let myself down,
well; not down there.

Look submarines, yes, I don't mind going
down on a submarine but this is ridiculous.

Oh, go on.
- Oh!

Oi.

Oi.

Oh, there you are.

Well, come on, don't waste time.

Come here.

Well, what are you doing up there?

I'm waiting for a bus. Come on get me down.

Help!

Oh!
- Come on.

Get me out. Help.
- Let's bury this stuff

and then find Sylvester.

Sylvester! Let's bury Sylvester.

Coming through.
- Coming through?

Did you're wanting this telephone
conversation with Smorznigord?

Which...
- Which what?

Which is it which you are planning of, eh?

Smorznigord has a scientist.
- Yes.

Every country has a scientist.

It is impossible to wage war without them.
- Yes.

Smorznigord's scientist likes rockets.
- Yes, and one day they will be coming in,

bang, crash, ruddy wallop, then pouf!
And I am up in the smoking.

He likes sending them up.
I like bringing them down.

Hello. Hello. Yeah.

Er... I should like to speak to
Professor Stanislas Voritz, please.

Professor Hyman Pfumbaum.

No, not Dumbaum, Phf... Phf... Phf.
- Oh, please. Please. Please,

be careful in what your saying, please.

Hello. Who is it?

Hello, Stinky.
- Oh!

Hello, Hymie.
- How is everything in Smorznigord?

Very good, as always.

Good. Good. From where I am standing I can
see your new rockets. They look very nice.

Nice! They're beautiful. One of
them alone can blow up a whole city.

Oh dear, you always were
a destructive boy, Stinky.

Now look here, Hymie, if you have
rung me up to pick my brains...

Your what?
- Brains. Brains.

Oh, Brains! I'd have to be
a water diviner to do that!

Very funny, but it won't be so funny when I
land a rocket right where you are standing.

If it ever reached that far.

Don't be ridiculous. My rockets
will travel hundreds of miles.

You know, I believe I could bring one
down before it had gone a hundred yards.

You think so?
- Would you care to accept a challenge?

A challenge? Of course, any time you like.
- Friday suit you?

Yes, if you can get your thing,
or whatever you call it, there.

Oh, I'm quite portable. See you
at the frontier then, Stinky.

So long.
- Ssh.

Stupid little man. I wonder what he's got?

Hyman, Hyman. Which is it which you are doing?

I ask you to make the peace, to deceive
them, and you have made them angry ones.

Now they will blow us all to maternity.

Mm? No, thank you. I do not wish sweets.

It is now sweet, it's a bomb.
- A bomb! A bomb!

You? Professor Hyman
Pfumbaum, how could you?

How could you? You, my peace man.

It was an accident. I started
to make something different, but...

I think it will do the trick for us.
- I will not have you hurting people.

You must not drop the bomb. No!

You don't drop it, you stick it!
- No. No. No. No. Stick it?

Mm. You see,
I thought if I could get Stinky...

No. No. No. No. Please, please.

I do not wish to be hearing.
It does not sound honest.

Go on.

It evaporates.
- I must not be hearing.

Evaporates?
- Mm, in the air.

In the air? Well, I leave it to you, Hyman.

Professor.
- Mmm?

It is wicked to stick it?

I don't think so.

Well, stick it.

Hello, Hymie.
- Hello, Stinky.

What is this so wonderful weapon
you were boasting about?

Whatever do you call it?

I haven't thought of a name for it, yet.

I shouldn't think you have. Mind if I look?
- Oh, not at all.

It is safe to touch it, isn't it? I mean,
it's not switched on, or anything?

No. No. It's not switched on, but...

It's a ray, I suppose?
- Mm, that's right.

Well, let us see what it can do.
- I should like to see your rockets first.

But of course. Only too pleased, old man.

You will have a job bringing them down.
- Mm mm.

Ah, they're beauties, you agree?

Mm, if you like that sort of thing.
- Mmm?

Plenty to look at.

Good luck, old chap, you'll need it.
- Luck!

They're quite light. Not like
the old-fashioned things.

Good luck to you too.

I'm ready when you are.
- Any time.

I'll send them out to sea,
just to be on the safe side.

It's all the same to me.

Are you ready, Stinky?

Of course I am ready.

What happened?

Must have been a dud. Sorry about that.

That one got away.

No hands!

Noisy little place, isn't it?
- Never mind about that.

How are you going to get inside?
- I don't want to get inside.

Well, you're the man, you
ought to have some ideas.

I have.
- Oh, Smart.

Sir... madam... now.
- Oh, come on, let's have a look see.

Yes, yes, Your Excellency,
I will be only too pleased.

A treaty? Yes. Yes. Of course.
Any time. And God Bless you too.

The wall goes right round.

I wonder.

Oh no you don't. Come here. Look!

I'm not going to climb over that

for you or anybody else.
- But it's the only way.

Look, I've had enough. I'm going home.
- Oh!

What do you want? Go away!

Go on.

Oh look, this is ridiculous.

I've got a... I've got a sore
head, I can't stand weights.

All right, do it the way we agreed.
But you've got to get in there.

Oh, all right.

I'm the... I'm the tailor. You see,
the English officer sent for me.

Go away! Away!
- Oh.

Please, please, may I come in?

Professor! My darling, darling
Professor, you have did it.

Oh, you have did it proper.

The Prime Minister of Smorznigord
has been in the telephone with me.

He wishes us to be... to be
signaturing a treaty. I'm so happy.

We shan't have any more trouble with them.
- Oh no, it's finished.

Poor Stinky.
- Yes, yes.

He thought the world of his rockets.
- But it's finished, it's gone.

No more bang, crash,
ruddy wallop, no more pfff.

No more stescopope.
- No more.

Oh, we will have a great
celebrating, a big banquet.

The whole city will be eliminated.

What?!
- With lights! Oh, Professor, Professor.

Everyone nice and happy like sandbags.

And then I can let the
young Lieutenant go home.

No!
- No?

No, he knows too much.

But his embassy is coming
through the telephone at me.

Very soon they will
be beating at the doors.

I just cannot be keeping him for ever.

Your Excellency, I have helped you, yes?
- Yes, yes, you did.

If the young man is let loose on the world,

he will tell everyone the truth about '998'.
- Oh!

Our little secret will be out and
I shall be the news of the world.

No, no, I do not wish to do that.
My poor Professor, Oh, no.

You will keep him?
- Yes.

As a prisoner?
- No. No prisoner. No force.

I like the Lieutenant,
I like his face. He's...

I know.
- Huh?

He must be marrying one of
my daughters. Yes, that's it.

Then everybody will be
happy, myself excluding.

Can I take a photograph?

I don't know what you are saying.

Come down a little bit.
Further. Right into the sun.

Whoa! Good.
Now a little bit more to the right.

Smile.

Stop! Stop! Get away from
that! Get away from that!

Well look now, wait a minute,
let's not get too hasty, huh?

What? What?
- Look, you don't understand.

I'm the... I'm the tailor... the tailor.

You see, the English officer sent for me.
- What?

Englishman. Englishman.
- Did you say Englishman?

Well, er, yes.

Well Australian Englishman, er, actually.

Yes, er, you see I'm the tailor.

The er, English officer sent for me.

May I... may I see him, please?

You're welcome, dear.
- Mm.

All right, I'll see you later.

You're welcome.

Er, hello. Lieutenant Green?

Thanks.

Hello. Can you tell me where
Lieutenant Green's room is?

Thank you. I'm getting warm.

Hello. Could you tell me
where Lieutenant Green is?

In there.
- In there?

Mm mm.
- Thanks.

What are you doing?

I'm on duty.
- On duty?

Oh, no, go away.

Smart! Of all people.

What are you doing here?

Look, I've just been pushed out
of a plane and hung from a tree.

I'm here to get you out.

But you're wasting your time.
You can't get out of here.

Well, I didn't see anything to stop you.

You saw plenty of girls, though.

Yeah, stacks of 'em. What are they for?

Me. They're my guards.

All right, the party's over now.
'998's' waiting at the door.

What is?
- '998'.

It's outside on the
back of an old tricycle.

Look, I'll tell you what. We'll kill two
birds with one stone. You and '998'.

But I... I tell you we can't get
away from here because of them.

Don't worry, I'll take care of them.
Look, rip those off and put these on.

Keep still, please. Smile, please.

Please, miss, I want you
to stand still and smile.

Oh, go away.

Let me have a donkey, please.

Fifty shentas an hour, missie.
- Yes, all right, all right, but quickly.

You forgot this.
- Oh!

Oh, go away! Well, keep it then.

Now you walk out of
the place quite casually.

And when we get to '998' you
hop on the bike and pedal like mad.

I'll jump on the back.

Of course, sir, grey hopsack is very smart.

You have it double breasted,
would you? Of course.

So slimming, don't you think?

See, it's easy.

Well, it was here a minute ago.

I thought you couldn't have seen it.

They've got it locked up somewhere.

Uh-oh, don't look now, but
I think we're being followed.

Oh, no. Girls, please go away.
- Please. Girls.

I tell you, this goes on all the time.

Well, I guess we'll just
have to make the best of it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, go on.

Well, go on. Oh, what have you stopped for?

Hello. Oh!

Viente vask -
Oh dear. Hello. Oh, I'm glad it's you, dear.

I want a call to London,
to Mr. Sir Isaac McGregor.

No. I don't know his number, no.
Oh, he's the president of the P-F-A-B-S.

The Pawnbrokers Financial Aid
and Benevolent Society. Yes.

Somewhere in London. Park Lane, I expect.

Of course, you've never been
to Manchester, have you?

No. Well, it...
- It is time for your speech, Excellency.

Hum? Oh, yes, yes, of course.

... quite dismal. Sometimes we'd
go cycling. In shorts, you know.

And then once a year we
used to go on long hikes.

We'd go singing away
down the country lanes,

and then we'd stop at a little country
pub and have a gin-and-it.

It was very naughty of us really
but it only happened once a year.

Pray silence for his
Excellency, the President.

Ladies and gentlemen.
It is with great pleasure...

Plenty good donkey, Missy.

Donkey can go ahead.

Oh, excuse me.

I am very happy to tell you that at last
we have come to terms with our neighbour,

Smorznigord, and we are about
to conclude a peace treaty.

What did he say?
- He said come to us and we must be happy.

Er, what did he say?

He said we've got to enjoy ourselves.
- I am.

After years of doubt, we can
now venture out into the sunshine

with courage and confidence.
I have devoted a lifetime to this peace

and I am delighted now to announce

the new peace!

Do you know, I can never understand
a word he's talking about.

Neither can I.
- Oh, but I do love parties, don't you?

As I was saying Professor...
Oh, he's gone.

That was very nice, dear.
- Darling.

Hello. Viente vaska. Oh blimey.

Hello. It's you. That's good!

Hurry up, girls. Hurry!

Oh!

Psst. Sylvester.

Sylvester.

Take a card. You've been playing
this nonsense long enough.

The highest card marries the Lieutenant.

Oh, you. Go on.

Lieutenant, I can get you away.

You can?

Come.

Well!

May I have the pleasure of this dance?

Oh, Ishmael, I'll do my best.

I want to talk to you.
- What about?

Daddy says you're going to stay with us,

and I want to ask you something
before all the others do.

What's that?

Would you like to marry me?

I wouldn't mind, but I've got one already.

Betty! Betty! Always Betty!

My picture! What have
you done with my picture?

Oh!

Well, you might help me to find it.

Betty!

You wait till I get you home.
- Well, what have I done?

Apart from so many other things,
what were you doing with that girl?

Well, nothing, honestly. I... I was...

I never even touched her. I was looking
at your photograph, as a matter of fact.

You were?

Nobody believes me
when I'm telling the truth.

Well, it goes against your character.

I suppose you won't believe me
when I say I'm glad to see you.

No, I believe you.

Oh, darling, I'd give
anything to get out of here.

Give me a kiss. I'll get you out.

And you wait till I get you home.
- Come on.

Come quickly! The Lieutenant
is running away. Quick. Quick.

What?
- What's she saying?

Betty is here, the girl in the picture.
- Picture? What are you talking about?

Betty is taking the Lieutenant
away. You must stop her.

Lieutenant?
Where is Lieutenant?

Why doesn't somebody tell me
what's going on under my own roof?

Come on.
- Come on.

Who let the women into the palace?

Oh, come on, can't we stop?
- Come on, let's get out of here.

Not until I've got my clothes on again.

Someone is going to pay for this!

I've forgotten which one it is.
- Well, let's try all of them.

You take that side.

So, sorry.

I've found it.

Is this it?
- Yes, that's it.

Good show.
- Outside, please.

Oh, you too. Come on.

Get them! I don't care
how you do it, but get them!

Betty, come out as you are.

You wouldn't say that if you knew how I am.

I can hear them.

We might just as well give ourselves up.

It's about time too.
- Come on.

They're up here somewhere.

Quick, shut the door. Out of the window.

Open up. Open up.

You first, Smart.

Break the door down.

Pfumbaum. Pfumbaum.

You split the atoms, split this door.

It took me four years to split the atom.
- Four?!

Mm mm.
- Too long.

Hurry up and
break it down, you ninnies.

Let them do the chasing,
I have an idea. Come.

Idea?
- Don't ask.

But which is what...?

To the laboratory. Quickly!

Where are you off to? Oh, why won't
somebody tell me what's going on?

Don't worry, darling,
I'll get you out of this.

But that's what I came to do, remember?
- Oh, yes.

Give you a donkey ride, lady?
- Oh! Smart!

Who did you expect? Sir Gordon?

Come on!

Tough old time.

Well, it's in there ... somewhere. Come on.

Give me a bunk up.

It's here. Hurry up.

Come on, let's get it out
and over to Smorznigord.

Then we can get a plane.
- Ah, here they are!

Mmm. We've been waiting
for you to be coming.

It's no good trying to stop us now, sir.

We're taking this and no nonsense.
- Over your dead body.

Please don't be difficult, sir, because -
- Now stop it. Please.

No, gentlemen, no. Please, no fighting.
Now, this is most valuable equipment.

No fighting.
- Now look, sir ...

don't interfere or you might get hurt.

Quiet!
- Oh, come on.

No. No. No. No. You can't
take it, it is a peace weapon.

We'll fight for it to the death.

Get out of his name!

Shut up! No. No.

Hello! It's me, Pfummy.

Tickle him... tickle him under the arms.
- I'm not ticklish under the arms.

They are!

Ahmed!

No, now you'll be giving our secrets
away. Telling everyone what '998' is.

Ahh...

Look. We want to keep it quiet,
just to prove it was all a big joke.

That's it, we won't give you away. Will we?

What is that?
- I don't know.

What is that?
- I don't know.

Oh! Lieutenant,

you mean to say... you mean to say
that you want to play the ball with me?

Yes.
- Oh!

Huh?

Is it er... raining something?

I knew you couldn't keep
the lieutenant for ever,

so I made a deal on the phone for scrap.

Can't you see that was the
idea, to make our own '998'.

Ooooh, Pfumbaum!

Yes, yes. We can put
them all along the border.

Yes.
- We can let the other countries have them.

Why not?
- I mean er, sell them, of course.

Yes. Yes. Peace for
everybody... wholesale.

Good bye. Good bye.

Allah. Allah!

Ta ta.

All right in there?

Pity this isn't in 3D. Still you
can't have everything, can you?