Original subtitles

You sure you've got everything, honey?

I'm sure, Daddy.

Goodbyes are tough, huh?

I thought I noticed a tear in a cockroach's eyes.

I still say you're making a big mistake, Tony.

How could you leave New York, huh?

The Triborough Bridge.

Look, Mrs. Rossini, you've got to admit

this neighborhood's falling apart.

I mean, look at Samantha.

When she starts coming home with black eyes,

I think it's time for me to get out.

Hey, that's because

there were three of those guys, Dad.

And anyway, I got one guy sneezing out of his ear.

How are you gonna support yourself, huh?

Oh, hey, Mrs. Rossini, I've got a great job in a great place.

It's all green with picket fences.

But you always said you loved New York.

Yeah, but I love my daughter a lot more.

Mrs. Rossini, take care of yourself, okay?

You too, Tony.

Bye-bye.

But I'm telling you,

you're gonna miss the heartbeat of the city.

The excitement, the culture.

Hey, shut up down there!

I'm trying to sleep!

Ah, go sit on your hard hat.

♪ There is more to life Than what you're living ♪

♪ So take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ At the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path we take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life Brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life Around the bend ♪♪

Is somebody getting that?

No!

Jonathan, will you please

see who's at the door?

All right, I'll see.

Who is it, sweetheart?

Oh, just some guy.

Well, what does he want?

How should I know? He was just standing out there.

You mean you didn't even ask?

No. You just said to see who's at the door.

You didn't say open it.

Jonathan, I'm warning you.

Joan Crawford is my idol.

Morning.

May I help you?

Well, if you're Angela Bower, I'm here to help you.

I beg your pardon?

I'm Tony Micelli. I'm here about the job.

Oh, I'm sorry. There must be a mistake.

This job is for a housekeeper.

That's me... Mr. Goodmop.

Well, uh, my mother's screening everyone.

Did you meet her?

Yeah, yeah, yesterday, you know, she gave me the once-over,

kicked me in the tires, and put me up on the rack.

Well, she should have checked under your hood,

because you're the wrong sex.

But she said that wouldn't be any problem.

My mother didn't think World War II was a problem.

Oh, that must be Jonathan. Cute kid.

Yes, he is.

You must be Jonathan.

That's right. How'd you know?

Your grandmother told me.

You're the king of the reptiles, right?

That's me!

Hey... Excuse me, I'm in a terrible rush.

I've got to get Jonathan to school

and I've got to catch a train.

Well, I could take him. No, no...

Jonathan, I told you to take the snake out.

Not today, you didn't.

Must you be so literal?

Yes.

Jonathan, I don't know what to do with you.

Uh...

Hey, Jonathan, why don't you hustle

your little buddy upstairs?

Aw, what's the big deal?

Well, the big deal is that it looks like a showdown

between your snake and your mother.

Remember,

the snake doesn't pay your allowance.

Good point.

Well, sorry, Wilbur,

but money talks, and you don't.

Thank you. Uh, uh... where were we?

Oh, yes.

You were at the door and I was about to close it.

Wait. Wait a minute.

I gave up my apartment.

Your mother said I had this job except for a small formality.

What formality?

You saying yes.

No.

Can we talk?

Well... Do you have any references?

No.

Do you have any experience?

None.

How many jobs have you had as a housekeeper?

One, if I get this.

Ah... Mr. Micelli, here you are.

And right on time.

What a reliable person.

So how are things going with you two?

In the direction of the door.

The door?

Angela, what is the problem?

The problem is, Mother,

you sent me a man for a housekeeper.

Oh, don't be sexist.

A man can do meaningless, unproductive work

just as well as a woman.

Mother, mother, the housekeeper's room

is very close to mine.

Oh, hey, don't worry about me.

I keep a can of mace by my bed.

And he's got a sense of humor.

A regular Henny Youngman.

What a zany guy.

Nevertheless, it doesn't look right or feel right

for a man to be living here alone.

But he's not alone.

Didn't you tell her about Samantha?

You're married?

Oh, no, no. Sam's my daughter.

You're gonna love her.

She's out in the truck. I'll go get her.

No! No, wait!

Isn't he perfect?

No.

He loves children, Angela, and children love him.

I got that from the director of the Brooklyn Y.

See, my instincts tell me

this is the man for my grandson...

and it doesn't hurt that he's a hunk.

Mother...

I'm not looking for a hunk for a housekeeper.

Why not?

He'll do floors, he'll lift furniture.

Can I come over when he lifts?

Mother.

I don't know anything about this man.

Angela, I checked him out thoroughly...

and it's a story you won't believe.

Oh, one of those.

I got it from his parish priest.

See, he's an ex-jock,

and he played in the major leagues

for a while,

but then he got hurt and they dumped him, the swine.

And it was just about that time that his young wife died...

Mother... Don't do this to me.

They were childhood sweethearts, Angela,

and since that time,

well, he's been working at odd jobs.

You know, a young widower,

trying to find himself and support his little girl.

You did it to me.

Angela, even the child psychologist

said that Jonathan has to have

a male role mode.

And this Tony, is he male or is he male?

I mean, we are talking mucho macho here.

Well, here she is.

This is Samantha.

Oh, oh, she got that shiner

stealing third in Little League.

Uh, Sam, I want you to meet some real nice people.

This is Mona Robinson.

Nice to meet you.

And this is Angela Bower.

Oh, I'm very pleased to meet you, Miss Bower.

You have a lovely home, and you're so pretty.

Oh, thank you.

I'm very flattered.

That's the idea.

Oh, and this is the snakekeeper, Jonathan.

Jonathan, this is Sam.

Hi.

Hi.

They love each other already.

So shall we wrap this thing up?

Gee, I don't know.

Angela... Albert Schweitzer is dead.

This is the next best thing.

Hey, look, uh, all I can say is I really need the job,

and my daughter needs a good place to grow up,

and, uh, I've got a feeling maybe you need us.

It's okay with me, Mom.

There you go.

There's the deciding vote.

Well, I guess we could give it a try.

We've got ourselves a new pad!

All right.

Good! Do I get my own room?

Oh, yes, you can have the sewing room.

I'm gonna get our stuff. It's in the van.

I think I'll just go watch him unload.

Are you afraid of snakes?

Afraid?

I had a boa constrictor when I was a kid.

It swallowed live mice,

and once it ate a kid bigger than you.

Are there any more questions?

Yes.

Is it too late to change my vote?

Yes. Yes.

Grant, thank you again. It was a lovely evening.

You mean you're gonna send

a starving man home?

I can't believe it... Shh!

I can't believe it... You spend $300 on dinner,

and you still come away hungry.

I've had it with nouvelle cuisine.

The waiter had more food on his sleeve

than I had on my plate.

What about your cab driver?

Oh, let him get his own meal.

He'll probably do better than we do.

Sit down. I'll see what we have.

If I may say so, Ms. Vice President,

you were absolutely charming with those clients tonight.

You may say so, Mr. President.

Your media plan was, uh, only brilliant.

So was the way you pretended you'd seen it before.

We make a great team.

Uh, how about a green salad?

Uh, this is potato salad.

True, but it is green.

Sorry.

Haven't shopped since the last housekeeper quit.

I'd settle for peanut butter and jelly.

Now, that I can handle.

I may not be great in the kitchen,

but I certainly make up for it in the boardroom.

I'm not bored.

Oh, no!

Ooh, the Connecticut klutz strikes again.

Here, let me help.

Don't touch it. You'll cut yourself.

Here, let me get a dustpan.

This is good china.

I know.

I care enough to break the very best.

I have a wonderful idea...

We can't. My son's upstairs.

I don't mean upstairs.

I mean upstate. I've got a place.

We can go there this weekend.

Uh, this weekend?

I don't know if my mother can take Jonathan this weekend.

I have a cabinet full of Wedgewood china.

We can break it all.

Wedgewood? Oh, Grant...

Now you're really getting to me.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's going on here?

Tony, no, don't! He's my date!

He's your date?

I thought you were getting attacked.

What are you doing rolling around on the floor?

We weren't rolling on the floor.

We were, uh, picking up a broken plate.

Both of you?

It was a big plate.

Angela, who is this?

Well, Grant,

you're not going to believe this,

but this is my new housekeeper.

Housekeeper?

Angela, this is the ugliest woman

I've ever seen.

Hey, hey, hey, who is this bozo?

Tony, this bozo is my boss.

It's your boss?

I thought they chased you around your desk,

not around your stove.

I don't find that very amusing,

and I don't have to explain my behavior

to a male Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins, huh?

You're lucky I liked that movie,

or I'd take care of you.

Grant, behave yourself!

Don't tell me to behave myself.

Talk to Conan the Barbarian here.

That's enough!

Tony, go to your room.

Angela!

Tony, go to your room.

Grant, go to your cab.

Angela!

Grant, go to your cab.

Tony, go to your room!

I'm going... I'm going.

Grant, I'm very sorry about this,

but we'll talk about the weekend

at the office tomorrow.

Well, look on the bright side...

You just saved a fortune in cab fare.

Great, that makes two meters

that got turned off early.

Bye, Grant.

I knew it.

I knew this wasn't going to work out.

Hey, no problem.

We just got our signals crossed.

I'll cross your signal.

You have just intruded on a personal moment

with someone I happen to like a lot.

From now on, if you feel tempted to butt in,

please butt out!

Well, next time I see somebody

crawling all over you on the floor,

I'll know that's how you entertain friends.

Oh...

I think we'd better continue this discussion

in the morning.

Right now, I am so angry I could strangle you.

Let's go to bed.

Right.

Did you have a bad dream, sweetie?

No, I didn't even get to sleep.

It's you.

I thought it was Jonathan.

Well, don't take this like an apology or anything,

but... uh...

I guess I screwed up a little tonight.

Maybe a little.

I hope I didn't cost you your job.

No, I don't think so, but I think you might have

cost me an awfully big promotion.

So that's why you're going out with that guy, for a promotion?

There you go, jumping to conclusions again.

I am going out with him because he's great looking,

he's fun to be with, and he's a good dancer.

So he's got twinkle toes. What's the promotion?

Well, Grant's being moved up to chairman of the board,

and he's going to recommend a new president this week,

and I've got a good shot at it.

At least I did.

Hey, no problem.

You can be president someplace else.

Just like that, huh?

Yeah, like that.

Go down to the president's hiring hall

and hang around till something breaks.

You're a smart lady. You can do it.

You don't need that stiff.

Look, Tony, do you know how long I've worked for this?

Ever since my husband left me...

Well, anyhow, it's just taken a long time

for me to get this far,

and I'd really love to go all the way.

Yeah, I know, I saw...

Tony, nothing was going to happen here.

Well, why should it,

when the man has a perfectly good house upstate?

Ah-hah!

So that's where you're going with him this weekend.

Tony, I'm gonna say this very slowly...

My weekend has nothing to do with my promotion.

You'll never know unless you don't go.

Who are you anyway, Jiminy Cricket?

I'm just trying to tell you, Angela,

you can do this on your own.

It's just like Sinatra says... Sinatra?

"Through it all, when there was doubt,

"I ate it up, and I spit it out.

"I faced them all, "and I stood tall,

and I did it my way."

We're talking about my life

and you're giving me philosophy from the Sands hotel?

Well, could you just try to remember what I said?

Tony, if I had a lobotomy I would remember that.

Good, because let me tell you one thing, Angela.

You'd never catch me

doing something dumb like sleeping with my employer.

All right, egg fans,

let's show those chickens they have not laid in vain.

I'll have mine scrambled.

All right, two scrambled working, baby.

Do I hear fried, boiled, basted, or sunny-side up?

Jonathan, how would you like your eggs?

In the shell. I hate eggs.

I'll just have some Crunchy Crawlers...

and a cup of coffee.

Crunchy Crawlers and a cup of coffee?

You want to top it off with a shot of vodka?

Let me see that.

Look at this.

It's all bleached flour and sugar.

You eat this, you'll be a walking pimple.

Out it goes.

Hey! I always have that for breakfast!

Yeah, well, start eating eggs.

Share these scrambled.

Here you go, dear. You're welcome.

And you.

Mangia.

Yuck. Isn't there anything else?

Yeah. Hunger.

Now, eat those eggs,

or the rest of those teeth are gonna fall out,

and they're not gonna come back.

Oh, look who's up.

The lady of the house.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Can I make you something for breakfast?

No, thanks, just juice and coffee.

You sure? I'm sure.

Hey, what about her teeth?

Jonathan!

Since when did you start eating eggs?

Since Tony threw away my Crunchy Crawlers.

He said it was either that, or hunger.

You threatened my son?

Yeah. I... It seems to be working.

Every time.

How are you liking those eggs?

I haven't thrown up yet.

Keep eating, champ.

Later, we'll shoot some hoops.

Excuse me.

So, uh, did you think about it?

Yeah, just juice and coffee.

Not just "juice and coffee".

You know what I'm talking about.

Oh, that.

Yeah, so, I'm just going to let what happens happen.

Oh, hey, hey, oh...

Look, if you just let what happens happen,

when what you wanted to happen happens,

you're not gonna know whether it happened or not.

Now, just a minute...

No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.

There are some things that are no good for you,

like Crunchy Crawlers, and guys who want to...

Now, just a minute.

If I want...

Crunchy Crawlers,

then I will have Crunchy Crawlers.

Crunchy Crawlers are empty calories.

Not really satisfying.

In an hour, you're gonna want something else.

Maybe I'll want more Crunchy Crawlers.

I only got eight minutes

to get you to the train.

Time really flies when you're bored,

doesn't it?

Let's hit the road.

Goodbye, darling.

The school bus will be here in a minute.

I love you.

What was that all about?

Sex.

That's what I thought.

Grant...

level with me.

Um... does, uh, my promotion

have anything to do with...

well, uh, with our weekend together?

Hey, Jim Peterson's

up for it too, and I didn't invite him.

Well, uh, Grant, you know,

I think we ought to put the weekend on hold

until after the board makes their final decision.

Why?

Because, to tell you the truth,

if I go away with you this weekend

and then I get the presidency,

I'll never know

if it was because I was good,

or because I was... good.

I'd know.

You can joke about it if you want to,

but I'd like to think that I faced it all,

and I stood tall, and did it my way.

I don't believe I said that.

I don't either.

Are you moonlighting at a piano bar?

Hi, Tony.

Ah.

What are you doing?

Oh, this is called aerobic house cleaning.

You stay lean while you clean.

Home early, aren't you?

Grant decided to call a special meeting

of the Board of Directors

to decide on the new president right away.

I waited around for a while, and then I decided to come home

when I started biting nails that belonged to other people.

I don't know what you're worried about.

You're gonna get it.

Well, I'm not so sure.

Tony, don't take this as a compliment,

but I kind of followed your advice,

and I'm not going away with him this weekend.

Yeah? That's terrific! All right!

Well, that's easy for you to say.

If I'm gonna sweat it out,

I'd better do it in a sweat suit.

That's a good idea.

Hey, we can shoot some hoops.

You know... Oh, great.

Hey, hey, look who's here.

Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer.

How was school, guys?

You guys eat lunch together?

No, I played baseball.

How about you, Jonathan?

I was in the science lab having lunch with an alligator.

Oh, alligator, huh?

I like alligators.

You know, they always get a bum rap

in those jungle movies.

I'm starved. I need a shot of granola.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

A round of granola for the house.

So, uh, tell me all about school, honey.

How was it?

It was great, Daddy.

And the playground's beautiful.

It's so nice to sit on a bench

without having to push a wino off.

I'm so glad you like it, sweetheart,

hey, and uh, how are you getting along

with ol' Jonathan? You mean Captain Cobra?

Yeah.

Okay, I guess.

But I really like his mom.

Yeah, she's got it together.

I mean, well, most of it, anyway.

But, Dad, how can a woman make enough money

to afford a great house like this?

Well, I mean, she works hard,

and she's real smart.

Hey, you can do the same thing.

I can? Sure.

Then I think I'll be manager of the Mets.

Good choice. Good choice.

I'll be so proud

when you're out there kicking dirt on umpires.

Do you want to shoot some hoops?

I'd love to. All right.

I'll be right out, sweetheart.

Bower residence. Tony here.

Oh, hi. Rosie from the office?

Oh, nice to meet you, Rosie...

She's changing clothes. Can I take a message?

Aw, come on, Rosie, I won't tell.

Did she get it or not?

Oh. Aw, come on. Give me a little hint.

Yah who?

Oh, "yahoo"!

Oh, now I get it.

She got it.

Oh, great. Yeah.

I'll tell her Mr. Paxton's gonna call her.

Uh-huh, okay, fine.

Yeah, Rosie. Okay, bye...

You sound nice too, Rosie.

Bye.

Hey, all right!

Was that the phone?

Yeah, that was the phone.

Oh.

Who was it?

It was the, uh...

the Arthur Murray dance studio.

You just won a free dance lesson.

Great.

Now all my problems are solved.

I'll be a Rockette.

You'll be a good one.

Uh, is there any coffee?

Sure.

Come on, follow me.

Grab yourself a cup.

Now, there's nothing to do but sit around and go crazy.

You want some?

No.

Let me ask you a question, huh?

Sure.

Let's say, uh, you know, you don't get this job.

You going to be sorry

you didn't fool around with the boss?

Nah... I'm glad I did what I did.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. Why?

Because, uh... you got it.

That... that wasn't Arthur Murray?

That was Rosie.

I got it... Yeah.

I got it! You got it!

I got it!

I'm sorry.

Well, that's great.

We've got to celebrate. What should we do?

How about we shoot some hoops?

Is that your answer for everything?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, mine is a hot bath

and a cold glass of champagne.

Well, how about you, Jonathan?

Um... I have to feed Wilbur.

Let's go.

Sam, I think our work is really cut out for us.