Original subtitles

(mischievous upbeat music)

(mischievous upbeat music continues)

(groans)

(mischievous upbeat music continues)

(gun fire blaring)

- [Eddie] You got him with the first shot.

- Yeah, but I wanted to really, really kill him.

- A bullet to the brain usually does that.

Let's wrap him up and get him out of here.

(Open Wide by Sugar Danks begin)

♪ Heard she left you like she left the one before ♪

♪ You thought it wouldn't happen if you loved a little more ♪

♪ You could loved it endlessly, nothing changed ♪

♪ Now you have to figure out why life is so strange ♪

♪ You been down that road ♪

♪ You gotta move on, let the cold wind blow ♪

♪ You get another chance, you get another ride ♪

♪ Make the best of what you got and look on the bright side ♪

♪ It's wide open ♪

♪ Anything you dream, it's sure to set you free ♪

- Betty, you wanna go for Italian food?

- I don't think so, Dayna.

- Fine.

- I just don't want Italian.

- It's fine. I mean, it's fine, I don't really care.

Whatever you want.

- I just don't understand why it has to be such a big deal

where we go to eat,

'cause I really don't care, I just don't want Italian.

- So where do you wanna go?

- I'm just not in the mood for Italian food.

Maybe we should just eat separately.

That way you can go get your Italian food

and I'll go get a slice of pizza or something.

- Drunk again, Betty? It's five nights in a row.

What is your problem?

- You know what my problem is?

I sit around here all day and I do nothing.

Nobody calls, nobody stops by.

I feel like I have nothing to live for. I have no money.

I have no boyfriend.

I don't wanna eat Italian.

I want an Italian to eat me.

- Do you hear yourself?

- Okay, fine, fuck sex. How about a job?

Doesn't that sound nice? A job?

I thought when you graduate college,

it's supposed to be easy to get a job.

- Betty, we have jobs.

- We are waitresses.

I have a degree in French history and I wait on tables.

- What did you expect to do with a degree in French history?

- Not this.

♪ Look on the bright side ♪

- Ready?

- Let's lift this fat piece of shit and put him in the car.

Ugh. Jesus

(groans)

Ugh.

Looks like a fucking burrito.

- Yeah, Max, it really looks like a burrito.

- Come on, Eddie, why you in such a bad mood?

You used to love this job.

You know, now you're grumpy all the time.

I'm just sick of this shit.

- Let's drag him to the car. His head over here.

(glass shatters)

- Jesus Christ. Get up. Get up.

- Shut the fuck up.

- Well, if you want to call that pile of shit

you drive a car.

Get rid of that car.

- Max, I love that car.

I'm never getting rid of it. - Okay.

- Creep. (glass shatters)

(dog barking)

And you couldn't park on this side of the street.

- Shut up.

(dogs barking)

- Ugh.

- [Eddie] Leave him alone.

Just go around, get in the car, God damn it.

God damn car's a classic.

- [Max] Classic piece of shit.

(fish tank bubbles popping)

- I'm so bored.

I've never been so bored.

- What do you mean, Sammy? Me and you, we're hanging out.

- Oh yeah, Burt, I guarantee I'm having a great time.

Just think we should have gone to college

like everybody else.

You know, if I had money, I'd go to college.

- Why would you wanna pay $20,000

to do the same exact thing you're doing now? Huh?

College? It's a place to send rich kids

so that parents can start having sex again.

- Sex? I wouldn't mind having sex again.

- Sammy, if one of us was a woman, we'd be so set.

I mean, we could have sex all day long.

- No, we couldn't, Burt.

- You're right, Sammy.

I mean, what if I wasn't attracted to you,

then I wouldn't wanna have sex with you.

- You understand that this is why I need to go to college,

don't you?

- 'Cause you're not a woman? - Shut up,

- Sam, I can't, I can't hear you

if you don't talk it to the mic.

- Shut up, Burt!

- So you're telling me all it would take is sex?

- Yes. If I were having sex, I wouldn't be bored.

- All right. Right now you're working.

There's no way you could be having sex right now.

Right now, you're bored.

Okay, it's not the sex, it's the job.

I'm telling you. This job is boring.

- No, no, it's not the job. I love the job. It's sex.

People without sex in their lives are bored.

- Well, with me, it's about the job. Sex or no sex.

I'm telling you, this fucking job is boring.

- Whatever.

- Well, it's okay for you. You're young.

But one day, Max, I'm telling you,

you're gonna get to a point

where you get tired of whacking wops.

(cicadas chirping) (owl hooting)

- So, Frankie, you've been with us about two years now.

I mean, you've done some beautiful work.

- Thank you, Mr. Ragoni.

- I see here that you started at the bottom,

pirate and cable television.

(all laughing)

And you worked your way up to bookmaking, shylarking,

and all the way up to extortion.

All of your work in these areas has been well above average.

- Thank you, Mr. Ragoni.

- Today I'm giving you a promotion.

I'm making you a hit man.

- Ah. - Ah.

- Congratulations.

(clapping)

Now, here's the keys to your new car

and your new office.

Oh, and also, I'm upgrading you to a better medical program.

- Thank you, Mr. Ragoni.

- Hey. Hey. From now on, you call me "Fat Tony," eh?

Now, here's your next assignment. Go on and kill somebody.

You've earned it.

- Thanks, Fat Tony. Thanks.

- Hey, you did good.

- Come over here, Fato Buta, get over here.

- [Frankie] Hey. Hey.

- Button your coat.

(coughing)

- God, this stuff is so bad for us, man.

We really need to stop this.

If we ever to go to college,

we're not gonna have any brains left.

- Sammy, man, enough with college, all right?

Have a hit.

Drugs are good for you.

Make you look at things in a different way.

- Yeah, the way an idiot would look at things.

What I need is love.

- Sammy, man, more important than love, we need women.

- College is the place to find 'em, my friend.

- Dude, man, if we went to college, we wouldn't have women.

We'd have homework. And who has time for homework.

- Time?

What is it that we do, again? If you'll just remind me.

Sammy, dude, these are our twenties.

I mean, we're supposed to relax and do drugs.

- So, so when we're 30, we, we look back at our lives

and we say, "What the hell did we do for the past 10 years?"

- Yeah. ALL part of life, man.

- You gotta be kidding me.

- But you're kidding, right?

- No, I'm serious.

I'm just gonna go to the convenience store

and bring something back.

I just don't want Italian food.

Why is it so hard for you to understand that?

- You're crazy? I'm leaving.

I think we're spending entirely too much time together.

I mean, we're really getting on each other's nerves.

You know, at this point,

I think it's a good idea if we eat separately.

- [Betty] Well, where are you going?

- To get Italian. Wanna come?

- She's nuts.

- You're nuts. What are you gonna do then?

- I'm just gonna move to Florida.

What? You can't kill people in Florida?

- I thought you were retiring?

- Well, semi retiring.

I mean, you know, whack somebody every once in a while,

pick up some chump change.

- See, I told you, I'm right, you love this job.

It is a great fucking job.

Look, it's sex. You need a woman.

- No, Max, I don't need a woman. And it's not about sex.

Okay, I'm just going through some changes in life,

all right?

Max, I'm gay.

- What'd you just say to me?

- I said I'm fucking gay.

- You're fucking gay.

- What difference does it make, Max?

Hey, we've been working together for two years.

I'm still Eddie.

- My partner's a faggot.

- If you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna shoot you.

I'm gay, all right? That's fucking it.

- I'm glad you're fucking retiring. My partner's a fag.

- Max, I'm not kidding.

- Why, what are you gonna pull your dick out

and shoot me with it?

- All right, Joey, I'm starving over here. Let's go eat.

- Fat Tony, I'm sorry, you got one more appointment?

- Who? - That new guy, Mikey.

- Oh Jesus. I hate firing people.

- Oh God. Please, please. I don't want to get fired.

Please, I don't wanna get fired.

I just don't want to get fired.

Please, I don't want to get fired.

I don't want to get fired. - Snap out of it.

- Your turn.

- I know why you sent for me, sir.

But please, please, please, I could do a good job.

Just gimme one more chance.

- Mikey, you've been with me for three months.

I mean, you haven't even stolen a car yet.

What the hell am I paying you for?

- No thanks, I quit. Today actually.

- Good.

Listen, Mike, I hate to do this, but...

- No, no, please, give, gimme one more shot.

- Mikey...

- I could do anything, please. - Shut up.

- One more chance, please. One more chance.

One more chance, please. - Mikey...

I could do something.

I could, I, I could, I could do something.

- [Fat Tony] Mikey...

- I could do something. Please. Please.

I could do something. I could, I could steal a car.

- Alright, fine.

Any car? Well, just go out and rob somebody.

Show me you could produce, eh?

- Thank you.

I won't let you down. I promise.

- You got 24 hours, Mikey.

This is your last chance. - Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Let's go eat.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh no.

God.

Those son of a bitches.

They killed my son. They don't even leave me the body.

We gotta find him.

He needs to be buried.

I got a beautiful spot all picked out for him

right next to his brother, Vinny,

and his other brother, Frank,

and his sister, Mary,

and my sister, Mary,

and his cousin, Tommy,

and his uncle's, Joe and Al and Harry.

No, they never got along.

- Fat Tony, don't worry, we'll get you the body back.

- We'll get him back. - We'll get 'em back.

- We'll get him back. - We'll get him back.

- Hey. Hey. Be quiet. Can't you see I'm mourning over here.

Okay, now the lady across the street,

she said she saw two guys pull away in a blue Chevy.

I want you to find them bastards.

You find them and you bring me three dead bodies tonight.

- We're gonna get 'em. - We're gonna get 'em.

- Get outta here. I wanna be alone.

Go ahead.

(somber music)

God damn.

Now I gotta buy a new suit.

- Nice furniture.

- I thought so. Very nice.

And I didn't mind the blood stain on the chair.

- Yeah. Made it look very artsy.

Blood made it look like a nicer chair.

- You know, it actually has some flavor to it.

- Yeah, and you know,

they pay these designers millions of dollars

to come up with all these new, you know, designs and styles.

- And it takes a God damn tragedy to discover new fashion.

- Well, at least he didn't die for nothing.

- Mm, you're right.

- You think Fat Tony will mind

we take some of Johnny's Johnny's stuff?

- Yeah, I got a white chair at home.

- You got a white chair?

- I think I'll shoot my dog tonight.

He pisses all over the rug, the fucking mutt.

- Shoot him.

(Italian music)

- Hi honey, how you doing tonight?

- Good.

- How many? - One.

- Come on, follow me.

(Italian music continues)

- I like a large salad, please,

with some Italian dressing and a coke.

- Is that it?

- Yeah. - Alright.

- Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,

you are not gonna believe what I found.

- What? - You'll never guess.

- Okay, let me guess.

- There's no way you can guess, man.

- So what? I just want to guess.

- How can you possibly guess, man?

There's no way you could possibly guess what I found.

- Honestly, I really don't care anymore.

- Okay, so what can I get for you guys tonight now?

- All right. I want like a lot of food.

- For example?

- Alright, first gotta have an order

of the sleeping with the fried fish.

- Yeah, that sounds good. Make that two.

Hey Burt, you wanna split a small gambling debt?

- Better make it a large one. Large one. Hold the interest.

You know, careful.

- Is that all?

- Actually, could you get the chef to make us an offer

we can't refuse?

I had that here last time. It's very good.

- I'll check on that.

- Coffee and cigarettes.

- Yeah, that's right.

- And I'm only gonna be in there a minute,

so don't go picking anyone up, okay?

It's just you and me tonight.

And big fat fucking Johnny Ragoni.

And don't do anything to him when I'm in there, okay?

'Cause I know he's your type, but that be sick.

That'd be fucking sick.

- I'm telling you, Max, if you don't quit it,

I'm gonna bury two bodies tonight.

- You scare me.

(mischievous music)

Hey, what the hell?

- Sorry. You should be more careful.

- I should be more careful? - Yeah.

- Jesus, you smell like a bar toilet.

Although, you are sexy.

- Thanks. You are very charming.

- Well,

most doctors are.

- You're a doctor?

- Yeah,

I'm a doctor.

- What type?

- A psychiatrist.

Yep. I'm a head shrinker.

As a matter of fact, the guy in my car out there,

he's one of my patients.

- Really? What's wrong with him?

- Well, he's, he's fucking crazy.

- I'm fucking nuts.

I am nuts to be sitting here with this motherfucker...

(car horn hoots)

- In fact, he thinks he's a woman.

That's why I'm in here.

He wants me to pick him up some tampons.

- Well, can't he just do that himself?

- Well, yeah, but he's a old friend,

so I want to give him special treatment.

Oh, I don't have many patients like that though.

I'm more of a sex therapist.

- A sex expert?

- Yeah, a sex expert.

- Wow.

You must be really good.

I mean, you must really know how to...

I mean, you must really know a lot of things.

- Yes, I do.

And if you're not too busy,

maybe I can teach you some of those things.

- I think I got some time.

- Oh,

why don't we pick up another one of those microwave pizzas,

go back to your place and cook.

I...

am a great chef.

- [Betty] I'm sure you are.

- I'm sure you are, man. Come on.

- Yeah, you know, I mean, I, I really feel ready.

- Fine. So tell me one of your jokes. Come on.

- All right. All right. Now you know, this is, this is new.

I just wrote this one, okay?

- Burto, I'm sure it's gonna be funny. Hit me.

- All right. All right.

So, so I used to write greeting cards for Hallmark, right?

But you know, like, they fired me after one day.

They said everything I was writing

was completely inappropriate.

But you're like, I thought I was writing the cards

people wanted, but just couldn't find,

you know, like for example, for example,

"My condolences.

So sorry about your son, but the light was green."

- That's really funny.

- See, I hate that. - What?

- "That's really funny."

I hate when people tell me that's really funny, you know?

Man, I don't want it to just be funny

and I want it to make you laugh.

I don't need you to tell me that it's funny.

I know it's funny. I want you to laugh.

I mean, could you imagine if I was doing standup comedy

and the audience, instead of laughing,

they just sat there and like, "Hey, that's, that's funny.

That's a funny joke. So funny, I almost laughed."

- Burt, did I not laugh at your joke?

- [Burt] Yeah, I mean, you laughed.

- Yeah, well then shut up.

- Excuse me, where's the lady's room?

- Back end to the left, honey.

- Okay

(Italian song playing)

- Boy, did she order a lot?

- What a pig.

What's this?

- I'll take care of this.

- You okay there?

Wait here.

- What took so long? What are you doing with her?

- I met that chick in the store.

I'm gonna go back to her house.

Meet me back here in an hour.

- Are you outta your fucking mind?

We got Fat Tony's dead son in the trunk

and you wanna dick a chick?

For Christ sakes, man, we gotta get the fuck outta here,

bury this guy and get lost for a long time.

- Are you jealous?

What's the big deal? It's only an hour.

- One hour!

What am I supposed to do?

Drive around town looking for a cop saying,

"Hey, I got a dead one in the back."

You're an asshole, Max.

- Hey, didn't I make myself clear before?

Don't you understand? I said I need sex.

- Sex this, you stupid fuck. We've been here 20 minutes.

All right? They're closing in on us. I can feel it.

I'm not gonna die for your asshole stupidity.

- I don't give a fuck.

They're not gonna find us that quickly.

It's just an hour, okay?

- You fucking don't know.

- And there's some handsome guys in there, man.

Why don't you go have a little look see?

Might find something you like. Here's your stuff.

- Fuck you.

- Son of a bitches.

They just found my son, Paulie's body.

I can't believe this. Two in one day.

They won't let me live!

Vito,

call my wife.

Tell her we were outta kids.

- You adopted? - No.

- No? How do you know?

You know what I mean? Nobody knows.

I know though. I was not adopted.

But you know, sure, every once in a while

I look at my parents

and I'm like, well, they're both Vietnamese.

- That's funny.

- Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

Burt doesn't want you to tell him it's funny.

He just wants you to laugh so you can stop telling him.

- Oh, that, that's okay. She, she could tell me.

Tell me again.

- I, I thought you were funny.

- You wanna hear another one? - Yeah.

- God no.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- Go ahead. I think they're great.

- You think they're great? - Yeah. I think you're great.

- You think I'm great? - Yeah, I think you're great.

- Tell the damn joke, please?

- So now I can't, I can't. There's too much buildup.

- Fine... - No, tell the joke.

- Then don't tell the joke.

- No, no. I'll tell it. I'll tell it. All right?

So I originally met this girl, you know,

I was really excited because you know, she's a girl, right?

So I really wanted to impress her and take her out.

- So you went to the mall

and you decided you're gonna get her some perfume,

but you thought no, you know,

I think I'll start her on the deodorant first.

(both laughing)

- That's funny. You're really funny.

- Thank you very much 'cause I really do need to hear that.

- Well, why don't you tell me another one.

- Okay, that's it. Fine. Stop.

I'm really tired and we have to get up early

and go to work tomorrow.

- Oh, okay. - No, we don't.

- Well, I'm really tired, so can we please just go?

- Well, I thought I'd walk Dayna home.

Is that okay?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- I wasn't talking to you, man.

- No, that's, that's fine.

- Oh yeah, no, that's, well that's good. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, you guys should just go and have a good time.

You know, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go home and...

do nothing.

- Alright. Good, good, good.

We'll, we'll see you later, Sammy. Take care.

He's very possessive.

- That's funny.

(phone ringing)

- What?

- You won't believe these idiots.

They stopped off at a convenience store

and one of them went off with some broad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Rudy's inside the store right now talking to the owner.

The owner said he saw one of them.

Oh yeah, after we gave him a few hundred dollars,

suddenly he started remembering things.

I'm sorry?

Oh, are you serious?

Oh, Fat Tony, I'm so sorry to hear that.

No, no, no. We'll, we'll, we'll call you back later.

Take care. Bye-Bye.

- What Fat Tony say? What did he say? Was he happy?

- He said if we could arrange it,

he'd like to kill them himself,

and that not to bother him until we had all three bodies.

Oh, and that somebody whacked off Paulie.

- Oh, oh, his, his son? - Yeah.

- Oh. Oh, that's too bad.

Poor bastard's running outta kids.

- No, no, no, that was it. He doesn't have anymore.

- That's his last kid. Oh, Jesus.

Oh wow. Oh, that's too bad.

- So what did, so what did this jamokin here tell you?

- Oh, call, call Fat Tony back.

And I couldn't believe what I found out.

I found out something. Call him back.

- No, I don't think this is the best time

to call him just yet.

His son just got whacked. He just found out.

And you know him. He likes a few minutes to mourn.

- Okay, well, we'll find it, won't we? How about this one?

- Yeah. No. - There we go.

- Okay. Okay. It's not that one.

But we're gonna find it soon, aren't we?

We are. We are. Aren't we?

Come on. This one?

- It's that one. - Finally.

- Here we go. Time for therapy. This is gonna be great.

I'll tell you that right now.

I'm gonna fuck you so many different ways

you're bound to like one of 'em.

Come on. You're gonna have so much fun.

It's gonna take five or six paramedics to revive you.

(mischievous music)

Where's the microwave?

- Maybe we should eat later or is that not healthy, doctor?

- That's fine with me.

- So teach me doctor. I'm ready to learn.

How am I doing?

- I'll give you a full evaluation when we're done.

For now, shut up.

- So... - You're a waitress, huh?

- I'm, yeah. Have you ever been a waiter?

- No. No. But you know, I wanna be.

I think... - You wanna be?

- I have a lot of respect for...

- It's hard.

- To serve, you know, the food service of people.

- Very difficult. - Yeah.

- Do you wanna come up for a drink?

- Up, up to your apartment? - Yeah.

- I mean, if you want me to, you know, if that's okay.

- Well, I asked you. If, if you want, if that's okay?

- No, I mean, you know, it's up to you.

I would, I would like, yeah, definitely.

Yes. Yeah. You know?

- Okay. - Yeah.

- You can kind of relax.

- Okay. Yeah.

I must sound like an idiot.

That must sound ridiculous.

Oh no, what if she wants to have sex?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

I mean, you know, is it in/out or out/in?

Geez, of course it's in/out.

How could you go out? For sure, you are out.

Why don't I ever go to a prostitute like everyone else did?

- These are not marijuana plants.

- I wish they were.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- This is it.

- It sounds, sounds kinda loud in there.

Did you leave the television on something? What's going on?

- No, it's kind of strange. It does sound loud.

(Betty and Max moaning enthusiastically)

- [Max] Oh yeah.

I'm your doctor.

I'm the cure.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- This is Max. He's a doctor. He's a sex therapist.

- Hi.

- Oh, nice to meet you. This is Burt.

You can come into my room later while we're screwing

and I'll tell you what he does for a living.

- That's okay.

You guys don't have to come in while we're, you know...

I don't really have a profession yet.

- Great.

- Burt, let's go my room.

Now, please.

- It was nice to meet you guys.

- Whatever.

- I'm so angry at her. So embarrassed.

Burt? - Yeah. Sorry.

I'm so sorry. That is so embarrassing. She's just drunk.

She's been acting very crazy lately.

- It's okay. - Awful.

- You wanna sit down?

- Okay.

(mischievous music)

- You okay, Burt?

- Dayna, I...

Dayna, I gotta tell you,

I am really nervous.

I've never done this before.

- [Dayna] What are you talking about?

- Talking about this.

- What's this?

- You know, this. - This?

- This, you know, sex.

I've never had sex before. I've seen it done a lot.

In fact, I just saw it. But I, I've never done it.

- You've never had sex before?

- Well, I didn't go to college.

- Oh, no, Burt, you don't have to go to college to have sex.

I mean, you don't even really need a high school education

to have sex.

You don't even really know how to read or write to have sex.

Just do it, you know?

- Yeah? How's that?

- You're funny. You're a little nervous.

It's okay, Burt, I'll guide you through it.

- When you say it, do you mean sex?

- I'll surprise you.

- I gotta know, do you wanna have sex?

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ My man, he takes me out at night ♪

♪ My man, we never fight ♪

♪ My man, with all of his might, he's mine ♪

♪ My man, he's name is scary ♪

♪ My man, man, it's Larry ♪

♪ My man will tell me someday he's my romance ♪

♪ Is the first thing on my list ♪

♪ But of course, always sealed with a kiss ♪

♪ Flower petals all around ♪

♪ They whisper in the night ♪

♪ All the things that glow above in the shimmering light ♪

♪ Someday our dreams will come true ♪

♪ One day we'll never be blue ♪

♪ My man will tell me someday he's mine ♪

- Eddie.

- Hmm? - It's my name.

- What's yours?

- Sam. - Slamming Sammy.

- Yeah.

- Can I buy you a drink?

- Hmm. What? No, no, no, thank you.

I'm just gonna have a, a, a, a beer. In fact, I got a...

- What can I get for you guys tonight?

- [Sammy] Can I have a beer, please?

- I'll have Fuzzy Naval

and a Peach Schnapps.

- You serious?

- Strawberry Daiquiri's fine, thanks.

- [Bartender] Right.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Thank God.

- Daiquiri.

Here's your beer. - Thank you.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

(cicadas buzzing)

- That was it?

- Well, usually it's a lot longer and more intense.

- So that wasn't it?

- No, that was it.

- I just can't believe that was it.

I mean, you know, it looks so different on, on TV.

All that moaning and all that screaming,

me on top, you on top, a donkey.

- Oh.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, you better have some really great news for me.

You know who did it? What about the body? My son's body.

Listen to me, I gotta have that body.

His mother wants him to have a very nice funeral. Yeah.

No, you meet me at the club. Five minutes and don't be late.

I want to kill them bastards myself personally.

And I'm gonna take my time doing it.

(upbeat jazz music)

- You can move to another seat

if it makes you uncomfortable.

I won't be too offended.

- I'm not uncomfortable.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You keep sucking on this bottle and it's empty.

- I guess you could buy me that beer now.

- I guess I can. - Yeah.

- No, I, I just, you know,

I get a little uncomfortable when you stare at me

like, like that, like, like that.

- Why?

You think I'm gay?

- Yeah, definitely, you're gay. I mean, you're gay.

- Everyone has a feminine side.

- No. And the Lord makes all kinds, you know, I mean, hell.

- Another beer for Sammy, Slamming Sammy.

- Hey Joey, I don't, I don't know how you can drink

all that liquid

and not have to, not have to pee, you know?

- Are you kidding me? I got to pee so bad

I gotta shoot it off.

- But if you shoot it off, then how you gonna pee?

If you shoot it off, then you can't pee.

You know what I mean? - Just fucking move.

- Twenty seconds, Rudy, I'll be right back.

I just gotta go pee.

- Hey, hey, where you going?

- [Joey] I just gotta go pee.

- You gonna go nothing. Get over here.

I wanna know what the fuck is going on.

- Okay, okay, this is what we got.

- Never mind what you got? Who killed my son?

- Your son's killer is Max.

- You know this for sure?

- Yeah, the store owner identified him perfectly.

- And he also saw him drive off in a 1978 Chevy Nova.

That's Eddie's car. And I heard they been working together.

- But the store owner never saw Eddie.

- No. But he saw the car, right?

- Well...

- Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And, and, and, and, and they, they've been working together

and, and, and he always has to drive

and he always has to drive that piece of shit car.

- Well, not after tonight he won't.

- Oh, that was incredible.

- Did you really think so?

- Oh, you were amazing.

- I was?

- Gotta go. Nice to meet you.

- What a son of a bitch!

- What a stupid bitch. Thought I was a doctor.

- He's a doctor?

Lying fucking scumbag.

- Oh, and what a pathetic fuck. My God.

- Sex therapist.

Sex wasn't even that good.

- Bad sex is better than no sex.

- Nice to meet you?

What an asshole.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

(cellphone ringing) (upbeat jazz music)

- You're an older gay male and that's cheers to that.

- We gotta find him and we gotta kill him.

- Bartender?

- [Bartender] Yeah?

- Come here.

Is there a back way out of this place?

- Only way outta here is that door over there.

- Thanks.

- But more important, I've gotta find my son's body.

I want that body. You understand?

What?

- Hey kid. This is the situation. Those guys over there...

No. No. Don't look at them. - What?

Just look at me. Listen. - Oh man.

Don't say anything. Just listen to me. You understand?

Those guys are very evil men and they want to hurt me.

In fact, if they notice that I'm here,

they're gonna kill me.

Now I'm gonna go hide in that bathroom.

And if they leave, I want you to come and tell me.

If they so much as make a move toward that bathroom,

I want you to make a beeline for there and let me know.

See down here. Look down there. That's a gun.

That's my gun. - Jeez.

I'll take that gun if you don't do this for me

and I'll blow your fucking head off.

- Wait, so you don't even know me,

that I could run outta here right now,

You'd probably never find me again.

- I never forget a face.

And I will spend the rest of my life looking for you.

Understand? I will not rest until you're dead.

- Well, if I run outta here,

those guys might find you, kill you,

then I don't have to worry about it 'cause you'll be dead.

- What do you want? What do you want? Money?

- I'll do it for a thousand bucks.

- A thousand bucks, you little prick. Here.

One, two, three, a thousand bucks. Stick it up your ass.

- God.

- If you do a good job, there's more.

- You know, I, I, I'll do other things for money.

- I'm sure you do. You're very cute. We'll talk about it.

- Hey, bartender!

- I got a couple of guys out there

looking for them right now.

They are not getting out of this town. Let's go.

- Can I use the bathroom first?

- Go ahead.

- Hey, one of those guys is coming this way.

- [Eddie] Get over there.

- Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

- [Eddie] Joey?

- Eddie?

Oh God. So good to see you again.

- Ah, so good to be in these arms again.

- This, this is too much.

- So what are you gonna do, Joey? Let me live or what?

- Of course, I'm gonna let you live, you big lug.

- Good.

- You take that to the grave

because if Fat Tony finds out about it, I'm dead meat.

But you gotta tell me where that body is. I need that body.

And where's Max?

'Cause I'd love to kill that son of a bitch.

- Hey, I'm picking Max up at that convenience store,

Tommy's on the Boulevard. Hmm?

- Yeah, I know the Place.

- Okay, meet me there in 20 minutes.

You can have him, the body, the car,

you can have everything.

I don't give a shit.

- Max and his son's body. This will make him very happy.

Thanks Eddie.

- Joey, anytime, you know?

How about dinner Friday night?

- Oh, yeah, I'll be there.

- I can't believe this.

- It's my last job, Joey.

- We'll talk about it, 20 minutes.

- What you looking at?

(upbeat jazz music)

- So we're gonna split up? - Yeah.

- Willie's gonna go with me.

And you, no more water.

- I'm going with him.

- Meet me in front of Tommy's in about 30 minutes, okay?

- Thirty minutes?

- Yeah, I know something. Just be there.

- What do you, what do you know?

- I got a tip. Just be there. - We got a tip from...

- I'll explain later. Just be there.

- Oh, no, no, no. Tell me now.

- No, I can't tell you now. I'll tell you in 30 minutes.

- So you're not gonna tell me?

- No, I can't tell you now.

- See, I would tell you.

If it were me in this position, I would tell you.

- And I'm gonna tell you...

- That's the difference between us. I don't wanna know.

Don't tell me.

- It was your first time. You'll get better.

- So you're saying I wasn't that good?

- No, I'm saying it was your first time.

- But you're not saying I was good.

- You were okay. - But not good.

- Fifteen seconds is a hard time to judge.

- First of all, according to my watch, it was 18 seconds.

And I thought it was great.

- Right, but you don't have much to compare to.

- All right, you gotta gimme one more shot. I can do this.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- All right, but, but you gotta get more into it, you know?

I mean, I did all the work. You just lied there.

You know, you got, you gotta be like more,

more like in the movies,

you know, like yelling and screaming, you know?

"Oh God." Where was the, "Oh God." You never said, "Oh God."

- Yeah, I would've gotten into it.

I didn't wanna just lie there.

I, I don't think I could have said, "Oh God."

I don't think I would've been able to get the "O" out.

Definitely not "God." But, but we can do it again.

You know, we should do it again.

- Okay. Okay. - Yeah.

- But, all right, I can't yet. I gotta go to the bathroom.

- Oh, okay. - Okay.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- It's nice to meet you.

- What did you say?

- I said it's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you?

Oh, is it?

- Do you do everything in 15 seconds?

That's funny. I should be a comedian too.

- Your roommate is out there with a gun

and I think she wants to kill me.

- What you talking about? Does she really have a gun?

- Yes.

- Is he still out there? - I didn't see him.

- Maybe she killed him.

- Now, go out there and do what I'm paying you to do.

- You, you, you, you guys are, are like real gangsters,

aren't you? - Yeah.

I, I can't believe this. I, I, I'm, I'm gonna get killed.

I'm, I'm gonna have to go in a witness protection program.

Now do you realize this?

- For Christ sakes, will you stop crying?

Don't worry about it.

No harm's gonna come to you. Here, go on.

Just go out there and do what you're supposed to.

- Oh man, I'm a dead man. I'm gonna have to change my name.

I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to...

I don't wanna change my name. I like my name.

- God damn it, get out there.

- Nice to meet you. Nice to fucking meet you.

- Betty, where are you going?

What are you doing with that gun?

- My mother gave it to me

when I told her I'd be living with you.

- Listen, I, I gotta go to the bathroom, okay?

I really gotta pee. So you guys work this out.

And I'll be back in like a half an hour.

I haven't peed in a month. - What?

- The bathroom? - It's back there.

- Right, okay, thanks.

- Is that guy for real? - He's a comedian.

- He's not very funny.

- Betty, where are you going?

- Don't worry, Dayna, I'm not gonna kill myself.

- I'm not worried.

If you are though

and you need my help to get you through it,

I'm here if you need me for anything.

- You're just as funny as he is.

- Betty, where are you going? I don't understand.

- I'm gonna kill that guy I just had sex with.

- You're kidding, right? This is new, right?

What, what? What are you doing?

Wait, do you kill people that you have sex with?

- I gotta go, Dayna.

I'll see you later, Dayna.

- What do you do with the bodies? Oh boy.

- She's crazy.

Well, I mean, why did she have that gun?

I think she's gonna go kill the guy she's had sex with.

Does she always kill the people she has sex with?

- Should I go after her?

- Definitely not. Definitely not.

You guys don't even like each other.

- Oh, we've been best friends since college.

- Oh, she's not gonna kill anybody. Don't worry.

- I should go after her.

- Do you know how cold it is out there?

- It's not that cold.

- It's very cold, all right?

- Burt, you just want to have sex again.

- No. No. It's not that I just wanna have sex,

I just don't think you should go outside.

We don't have to have sex. You could just blow me.

Just kidding. I was just kidding. It's a joke.

It's a very bad joke.

Now listen, Betty's gonna be fine, all right?

- I should go after her. She has a gun.

- A lot of people have guns.

Do you really think she'd kill somebody?

- I guess not.

- No. Come on. Isn't that...?

Come on.

- Burt.

Burt, no, really?

- Don't worry, she's gonna be all right.

- No, but I, I don't have any more condoms.

- Oh, all right, where do you keep 'em?

- Under the bed. There should be a carton.

But it's been a busy week.

- You're joking.

- Why don't you learn how to have sex first. Fucking liar.

Yeah right, you're a doctor.

(mischievous music)

- [Mikey] I could steal a car. I could steal a car.

I could steal a car.

(mischievous music continues)

(car engine whines)

- Eddie, hey, hey, why don't you sit down,

I'll buy you a drink.

I mean, it's your money.

So don't get the wrong idea, all right?

- No kid, I don't want a drink.

Listen, I need your help, okay?

I, I need a car. You got a car?

- Ah, yeah, sure, I got a car.

- Good, go get it. Yeah. - You got money?

- Yeah, I got money. I got plenty of fucking money.

You want me to shove it up your ass?

- No, that'd be fun.

I'm just kidding.

- In this way? Right over there.

Which car's yours?

- It's definitely not this one.

- Which car is yours? Look for it.

- This is my car.

- This is your car? - Yeah.

- You actually drive this?

- Look, I know it looks like puke, okay?

But it only cost me a couple hundred bucks.

- Yeah, well, I could see that.

- Hey, what kind of car do you drive, Mr. Big shot?

- '78 Chevy Nova.

- With all that money, you're driving...

- Just gimme the God damn keys. I'm driving.

- Fine, but are you sure you're okay to drive?

Because friends do not let friends...

- Get in the God damn car and shut up.

- Hey, come on, Eddie, what's wrong with you?

Put on a happy face. Tonight's a great night.

- Somebody stole my car, asshole.

- Somebody...

Who would steal a 1978 Chevy?

Whoever stole your car must be a real big loser.

- Hey, will you shut the fuck up?

- Okay.

So where are we going, Ed?

- I'm going to meet somebody.

Then you can take this piece of shit

and go wherever you want.

- So we're gonna go meet Max, huh?

- How did you know that?

- Duh, 'cause we were in the bathroom

when you and Joey were having your little love scene.

I can't believe you're selling out Max, man, that's...

- Well, it's none of your fucking business, asshole.

But I'm not gonna let myself get killed

because of his uncontrollable penis.

- Can I ask you something personal?

- What?

- Are all gangsters gay?

Because that would be really, really depressing.

That would ruin a lot of really good movies.

- Now will you shut the fuck up!

- Al right, right. You, you got it. Shutting the fuck...

- Max isn't gay.

Isn't gay at all?

- How come you didn't just shoot me

and, and, and take my car

and, and take all, all your money back?

- That would be stealing.

- Yeah, guys gotta have standards, I guess.

- That's right.

- Straight sex is way better than gay sex. What up, Eddie?

Man, we're supposed to whack the guys not fuck the guys.

(mischievous music)

- I know God. Just one, just one.

Damn.

(mischievous music continues)

Cigarettes, cigarettes, I love cigarettes.

Cigarettes.

(mischievous music continues)

- Maybe I should stock up.

I wonder what type she likes.

Eh, doesn't matter 'cause tonight it ain't about her.

Let's see, these aren't lubricated,

so hopefully she's got some WD40 lying around.

This ain't gonna do. Uh uh.

Now this is what I'm talking about.

I walk back in there with one of these babies.

(mischievous music continues)

(coughing)

- That looks way too small for you.

- I think you're right.

- You know, there's a fitting room in the back.

- Really? - Oh yeah.

- You might wanna try it on so it doesn't break later.

- Hey, you, you wanna go in the back

and maybe take a few practice shots?

- No, thanks.

- Who are you?

- Who are you?

- What are you doing in the car?

- What are you doing in the car?

- Get out of the car before I blow your fucking head off.

- No, no, you get outta the car

before I blow your fucking head off.

- No, no, you get outta the car

before I blow your fucking head off.

- You are one lucky fuck.

Calm down. Oh Shit!

Listen...

Fuck.

I'm gonna kill you.

- No, I'm gonna kill you!

- You're crazy. - Nice to meet you!

- Oh, so now you're gonna shoot me. Yeah?

Yeah, well, I think I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna fucking kill you.

- Did you see that guy?

He, he just punched that woman in the face.

- That's Max.

- What a stupid gun. Did your mother give you this?

And by the way, - Max, what you doing?

You're the worst fuck I ever had in my...

- Put the gun away, Max, put the gun away.

- Eddie, what the fuck is going on?

Who's the guy driving your car?

- What guy?

Where, where did you see my car?

- Who the fuck's the girl that tried to kill me?

You setting me up?

- No, of course not.

- Who's the little chicky? Is that your boyfriend?

I swear to God, Eddie, I will kill every fucking person here

if you don't tell me what's going on.

- Max, I'll tell you all I know.

Just put the fucking gun away, okay?

- Why? So that you can kill me.

Look, I don't know who the fuck you

and this little bitch are working for.

- I don't know the girl, Max.

- That's bullshit! Don't fuck with me.

I saw the guy drive your car

and then the girl tried to kill me.

I'm sorry, Eddie,

doesn't look like you're gonna be making that trip

to Florida.

- Don't do this, Max.

(gun fire blasts) (groaning)

(patrons chattering)

- [Cashier] You put down merchandise.

- Oh my God.

- That bitch!

- Dayna. Dayna, she's crazy. I mean, she's insane.

She killed him. She could kill us.

- What are you talking about?

- I saw your roommate killed him.

I'm in the store deciding on what brand of condoms to buy.

- What are you talking about?

- I never bought condoms before.

You know that? - Burt, please.

- What are we talking about?

- I finally decided on a brand Trojan.

- No, I don't wanna have this conversation.

You just came over with a story.

- So, so I hear gunshots and I see that guy, Max.

He's been shot.

I mean, you know, he's all bloody

and he's holding his chest.

And then as he was falling to his death,

he screams, "That bitch."

- That's her. Oh my God, that's her. That's her.

That's why we're have been fighting a lot.

That's her. She's crazy. She's crazy. She's crazy.

I knew this. I knew this.

We were arguing a lot lately.

And she was acting very, very strange.

I should have known this. I should have known.

I can't even know. She's crazy, Burt.

Talking to me by stove. - You need to calm down.

She could come in here and kill me.

- She could kill me, you know?

She didn't like me very much either, you know?

We gotta get outta here. We, we gotta hide.

My God, she's back.

- I just met the most wonderful guy.

- That she probably chopped his head off.

- Shut up.

- What you guys doing? You look so silly.

Well, whatever gets you off.

- What is wrong with her? What is she doing?

- I don't know. She kind of looks happy.

- [Burt] You gotta go talk to her.

- I'm not gonna go talk to her. You go talk to her.

- Why me? She's your friend.

If she kills us, it's your fault.

She's acting just like a textbook killer.

- You guys wanna sit down? You want some wine?

- It's probably poison in it.

- No, no, thanks.

Betty, where have you been?

- Dayna, I just had the craziest experience.

I would rather not talk about it.

- Where's your gun?

- Are you crazy? - I know what I'm saying.

- I got rid of it.

- No murder weapon for the cops.

- You were with that guy?

- Max? I would really rather not talk about it.

- What happened to your face?

- Max punched me.

And I would really rather not talk about it.

- He struggled. Poor guy.

You killed Max! I saw him get shot!

- What?

- And as he was dying, he yelled, "That bitch."

You're that bitch.

- You saw Max get shot.

- That's right. I was in the store. I'm a witness.

- What are you doing?

- She doesn't have a gun anymore. I can take her.

- You don't know that.

- Dayna? Do you think I killed Max?

- Burt said he saw you shoot him,

and you said you were gonna kill him, Betty.

- Burt, did you actually see me kill him?

- No. But, but, but he did scream, "That bitch."

I, I figured that must be you.

- I am that bitch. He was referring to me.

But I... (knocking at the door)

He's here.

- See, she was that bitch. - Who's here?

- Now, she's got some other guy coming over here.

She's gonna kill two in one day. She's crazy.

- Come in. - Hey.

- Find it? - Yeah, I did.

- Thank God, I was so worried for you. You want some wine?

- Yeah, sure.

- Sammy, what are you doing here?

- Burt, what are you doing here, man?

- This is where Dayna lives. - Came to see Betty.

- What, you two live together?

- Yeah.

- That's crazy. Burt, what are the odds of that?

I'm telling you, Burt, I'm having the craziest night, man.

- Me too, Sammy.

First I gotta tell you, I got laid.

- Uh uh, good for you.

- I'm sorry. - That's okay.

- [Sammy] Thank you.

- Sammy, what are you doing here with her?

She's, she's crazy. She's gonna kill you.

- [Sammy] Did you smoke again?

- She killed Max.

- How do you know Max?

- I told you I was here with him earlier tonight.

- Oh yeah, that's right.

I don't know what you were doing with him.

That guy is such a real scumbag.

- He was. - I made a mistake.

- I told you I was in a really bad mood.

- Yeah, and then she killed him.

- They think I killed Max.

- How do you know Max got killed?

- I was in the store.

I had to get some more condoms. Sorry.

- That's okay.

- So I see Max get shot, and then he screams, "That bitch."

- Whoa, you didn't see everything, Burt.

You were in the store, you didn't say hello to me?

- I can't believe you guys

would actually think I killed somebody.

- Betty, you had a gun.

I mean, you said you were gonna kill him.

- I can't believe you would think I killed someone.

- Everybody just calm down for a second

and I'll tell you what really happened.

- I'm sorry, Betty.

- Okay, calm down. This is what happened.

So there's this whole gangster thing going on,

which for my own safety, I, I'd rather not get into.

- That's bullshit!

Don't fuck with me!

I saw the guy drive your car,

and then the girl tried to kill me.

I'm sorry, Eddie,

it doesn't look like you're gonna be making that trip

to Florida.

- Don't do this, Max.

(gun fire blasting) (groaning)

- That bitch! (dog barking)

- Joey.

Hey, Joey. Joey Costanza.

- That, that's, that's great. Another love scene.

- I fucking hated that guy. - Yeah, me too.

- Where's the body?

- Somebody stole my car, Joey. I don't have the body.

- Fat Tony's gonna be here any minute. What am I gonna do?

- Jesus Christ, he's here. I gotta get outta here.

Let me have your car. You wanna come with?

We'll go to Florida, retire together.

- I don't know, Eddie.

I don't know if I'm ready to retire yet.

- Hey, that's all right, Florida's a right to work state.

You don't have to retire.

But there's thousands of people

that go down there every day waiting to die.

Fat Tony, he ain't gonna miss you all that much.

You and I will be together every day.

We can get a place together.

- All right, Eddie, why not?

I mean, besides, I'm tired of taking orders from Fat Tony.

- Yeah, come on. You can drive. Alright, we go.

- Eddie, that's not my car. It belongs to Fat Tony.

I'd rather not steal from Fat Tony.

- Look, I don't care how much money you offer me,

I'm not gonna drive you to Florida, all right?

- I'll buy the God damn car. - Is this the car?

- Yeah. - No way.

- Now wait a minute, Joey, I know it looks like puke,

but it doesn't handle all that badly.

And we can buy a new one on the way down.

- Would you look at it? - That's what I'm doing, Joey.

- And I'm figuring Fat Tony's guys

ain't gonna be looking for us

in a piece of shit like this, huh?

- That's a good point.

- How much?

- How much you got? - A couple of grand.

- Gimme.

- Four thousand.

- God, I don't know.

You know, because this car means quite a bit to me,

but 4,000 that, no, that sounds really reasonable.

- I thought you'd think so.

- You know, that's about 10 grand I've given you tonight.

- Yeah, probably. - Yeah, definitely.

- God, it was nice to meet you, Eddie.

- Good to meet you too.

- Don't worry about her.

No, I, I'll make sure she gets home all right.

- Yeah, I thought you'd see to that.

- Hey, we better take care of ourselves.

Those sirens are coming for us.

- Yeah. See you later. (police sirens wailing)

Keep your hands in your pockets with the money in it.

- Yeah. Look, you need to get up, okay?

You gotta get outta here.

You all right?

- What happened?

- I'll explain on the way, okay?

We, we gotta get outta here.

(police sirens wailing) (dog barking)

Cannot believe that that guy clocked you like that.

That's...

- I don't even wanna talk about it.

So, wow. That is amazing.

How much money do you think you made?

- Oh, I don't know. I think close to 10 grand.

- Here. Thanks. - This is, this is nice.

- Oh, it's a lot of money.

- Yeah, - It's a lot.

- Do you wanna go upstairs and we can count it?

- Really? Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh shit. - What?

- Oh shit.

Oh God. Oh no, there's a hole in my jacket.

The money was in this pocket. Lost the fucking money.

No. - Okay, don't worry about it.

- It's probably back at the store.

- Back at the store. - Yeah.

- It's probably back at the store. We'll go find it.

- It's a very good idea.

Wait a second, you should stay here

'cause if we go back to the store and the money's not there,

I probably gonna start to cry.

And I, I, I tell you, I, I don't,

I don't want you to see that.

- Okay. Well, I'll be waiting.

- Right? You're...

- I'm in 3A and don't worry,

you'll definitely, definitely find it, okay?

- Okay. Okay. - I'll be waiting.

- You found it, right?

- Yeah, I did. It was back at the store.

I mean, it has a few tire prints on it,

but thank God nobody saw it.

- I'm sorry, but is he a mafioso's sex doctor as well

or did he tell you he was a brain surgeon?

- Actually, I haven't asked him.

What are you?

- Sammy?

Tell her you're a doctor. Trust me.

- What are you?

- Well, I'm, I'm actually...

nothing.

- Wow, you really lowered your standards, Betty.

I mean, the other guy killed people for a living.

This guy doesn't even do that.

- I can't believe it. I'm nothing.

- Come on, Sammy, what are we gonna do with the money?

- I'm going to college.

- Gotta stop obsessing over this college thing.

It's really bringing everybody down.

Dayna went to college. She's a waitress.

- You should go to college.

- What for? To be a busboy.

- Enough with the college.

Let's talk about the money. How much we got?

- I don't know. I didn't count it yet.

Just probably over 10 grand here.

- Now what are we gonna do with it?

Don't mention college, all right?

You only have like 10 grand.

I mean, where are you gonna go? Billy's college.

Sammy, you need to come down to reality.

What can we do with this money?

- Let's go out and spend it.

- No. Nah. Uh uh. No way.

- Why not?

If I didn't go off with Max, you never would've met Eddie.

- I think she has a point.

- Yeah, what does that supposed to mean?

- Come on, Sammy, you owe it all to me.

If I didn't go with Dayna, you never would've met Eddie,

and you never would've met Betty.

You would've gone back home

complaining about how bored you are.

You should hear this guy all day long,

"I'm so bored."

- You wanna shut up.

- I know what you mean.

I feel the exact same way. - Really?

You got the money. You should go to college.

- I want to, you know, I wanna make something of myself.

- Oh, you should. It changed my life. Really did.

- What'd you study? - English history.

- Really? - Yeah.

- So that's good.

I wanna study something like that, you know?

Something useful, you know,

as opposed to like French history.

- [Dayna] What you are gonna do with French history?

- I know. - Nothing.

- I mean, like, hello, am I French?

- I'm not...

- Actually, Dayna,

you think you could refill our wine glasses

and then we'll just take the check?

- That's funny. - Thank you.

- No, it's not. - Thank you.

- I, I gotta get outta here.

I'm gonna go for a walk or something.

- I'm gonna go with you. - Really?

- Goodbye Burt.

- See you, Betty.

- Thanks for your jacket.

- [Betty] There's something very wrong with those two.

- I know. I, I I try to help 'em.

- Fuck 'em.

What do you wanna do?

- Well, I was, I was gonna have sex again, but she left.

- Are you any good?

- Oh yeah. Yeah. Like the best.

I mean, she said I was like the best ever. Really.

Like, really good. I mean, we were in there for hours.

We had just finished when you got back.

- I'll think about it.

- Okay, good. Oh, you think and I'll sit here.

- That's really funny. - I know.

(mischievous music)

- Joey said to meet him at Tommy's.

- When? - Now.

- What the hell for?

- Said he's got some sort of tip.

- Tip. What kind of tip?

- A tip. - A sister's tip.

- Oh, tip. Not tip. Tip.

Holy shit, that's Eddie in his, he's car.

- Follow him.

(upbeat music)

Where the hell's he going?

- He's going, he's going, your house.

(upbeat music continues)

- Dayna went back to grad school

and got her master's degree in English.

Now she works full-time at Big Bobby's Burger Hut.

She's saving her tips

so she can go back and get her doctorate.

Then hopefully, she can work at a fancier restaurant.

Sam finally made it to college,

only to flunk out in his first semester.

He now runs and owns the largest computer software company

in the world.

Betty became a sex therapist.

She opened a clinic for sex addicts in our nation's capital.

Let's just say she's very busy.

Burt got really good at sex

and his 15 seconds turned into 15 hours.

He became a porn star.

He's now starring in a porn film

that takes place in a fast food restaurant.

It's called "That's not Mayo."

Eddie and Joey made it to Florida.

They got married and had a child.

It was unplanned, but they decided to keep it anyway.

Fat Tony finally got his son, Johnny's body back.

He buried him next to his wife.

He killed her one night after he discovered Viagra.

I guess he was too much for her.

He currently lives in New York with eight children

each by a different woman.

Rudy and Mikey teamed up

and embarrassed gangsters around the world.

The government finally caught up with them

and put them away for 15 years for jaywalking.

It was a very busy intersection.

And Max, he lives forever.

And as for me, I can make all the fat jokes I want.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)