Original subtitles

[conversation, laughter]

Thank you.

Wow. She's cute.

She sure is.

She sucks in bed.

And not in a good way.

Her, too?

I-I didn't even know she was gay.

Neither did she, till last Thursday.

You're like some kind of lesbian zombie

infecting all the women of Malibu.

Ha!

I like that.

[as zombie]: Must have vagina.

[as zombie]: Must have vagina.

Sounds like some kind of weird help wanted ad

Alan would place.

[chuckles]

So when did you realize that you were gay?

Oh, oh...

What's that I hear?

Is that your own closet door finally swinging open?

Trust me, if I was gay

you'd be the first one to know.

You know, I think I was in high school

when I figured it out.

A bunch of my friends were having a sleepover

and we started talking about

what it would be like to kiss a boy

and who was the best kisser.

So me and my friend Kimberly,

who was a cheerleader,

decided to settle it by making out.

A-a cheerleader?

Let the woman talk.

Kimberly was so hot.

I still remember how soft her lips felt

as she slipped her hand under my shirt

and kissed her way down my body.

Must've been a strange and confusing time for you.

Please continue.

She closed her eyes.

She parted her lips.

She arched her back

and I whispered in her ear,

"Oh, my God,

"Kimberly,

"I can't believe

"these two idiots

actually believe this story."

And then what happe... Aw!

Damn it!

It's not that complicated.

The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse

you pretty much know.

BOTH: Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

We need to start hanging out with girls who aren't gay.

Or related to us.

How 'bout her?

Oh, I suppose I could go talk to her.

I think Jenny was talking about me.

Oh, really?

And you assume that just because you're rich and good-looking?

No, I was going to say smart and charming,

but if you mix all those ingredients together,

you make one delicious hot guy pie.

Well, your "hot guy pie" is no match for my system.

No, hold on.

Going on Craigslist and looking up "escorts"

isn't a system.

That is not my system,

that is my backup plan.

My system consists of the three "C"s:

connect, charm and cry.

Works every time.

Uh, okay...

"Hi, my name's Alan.

"That is a beautiful blouse you're wearing.

My dead wife was buried in one just like it."

Yeah, my system's a lot simpler.

I wait for you to finish talking

and then I take them home.

Oh, oh, big words coming from somebody

sitting alone next to me. Oh.

Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see who she likes better.

Oh, my God.

No one is safe.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪

[indistinct conversations]

Hey, do you think all women are potentially lesbians?

Um, I have 30 years

of masturbating to porn that say yes.

You know, you brag more

about your masturbating prowess

than any person I know.

It ain't bragging if it's true.

Ooh. Alpha bravo, two bogeys on your six.

Why are you talking like that?

Oh, my... Did you have a stroke?

It's airplane talk.

I'm your wingman.

It... it just means two cute girls just walked in.

Why didn't you just say two cute girls just walked in?

Roger that.

Will you stop that?Over and out.

Wow. Yeah.

They are cute. Yeah, yeah.

So, uh... so what's the play here?

Um, uh... how about something like, uh...

"Hey, uh, those seats are taken,

but our faces aren't"?

How about, "I'm Walden,

and this is my mute friend Alan"?

Fine.

You think you've got such great game, lead the way,

Mr. "I'm too good for Craigslist and masturbating."

Hi.

Hi.

That's all I got.

Uh, ladies, uh, uh, how much does a polar bear weigh?

Oh, I don't know.

Enough to break the ice. I'm Dr. Alan Harper.

Uh, this is my associate Walden Schmidt.

Google him, he's rich.

If you Google me, you can see my boobs.

Also if you do this.

Hi.

Oh, oh, uh, take another look,

but this time spell "attic."

A-T-T-I-C.

Oh! I get it.

Because these are my tee-tees

and I see them.

I'm sorry about my friend. I'm sorry about my friend.

Walden. Jill.

So, Alan, what kind of doctor are you?

Oh, I'm a...

a chiropractor...

slash brain surgeon.

Oh!

So, uh, w-what do you guys do?

We're princesses at a theme park.

Really?

Yeah, I play Cinderella

and she's the Little Mermaid.

Oh, well, that certainly makes sense

because, uh, you "swept"

my friend off his feet

and-and I'm "hooked" on you.

Oh, my God, that's funny

because I'm a fish.

[laughing] Yes.

The answer to the question you're not asking is:

because she makes me look smart.

Well, the answer to the question you're not asking is:

because he won't move out.

Morning.Oh, hey.

How great was last night?

It was pretty good.

Those girls didn't know what hit 'em.

What'd you use, chloroform or Tasers?

I will have you know

that Walden and I have dates tonight

with two theme park princesses.

Mine's Cinderella.

Perfect for you.

Storybook beauty.

And mine is the Little Mermaid.

Perfect for you.

No legs to run away.

I'm telling you, if we play our cards right,

we're gonna get ourselves some fairy-tail.

"Fairy-tail"?

Because, you know, "tail" has two meanings.

Yeah, so does "fairy."

Hey, guys.

ALAN: Hi. Hey.

This is Maria.

Maria, this is Walden and Alan.

Oh, that's so cool.

You didn't tell me your parents were gay.

Didn't I?

Dad and Mom.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Uh, listen, I gotta go.

But you are going to call me, right?

Absolutely. You sure?

Yes.

I would not lie to you in front of my parents.

Bye, it was nice meeting you.

Don't be a stranger, dear.

That's not the girl you picked up in the bar last night.

No, she delivered the pizza

to me and the girl I picked up at the bar last night.

Well, I hope you gave her a good tip.

Nah, she didn't come in 30 minutes or less.

Whoa.

[imitates siren]

Fashion Police.

Pull over.

What?

The reason I stopped you

is it appears your style has expired.

You don't like this sweater?

I thought it looked good.

Have you been drinking, sir?

This coming from a man

who looks like he's been tented for termites.

[doorbell rings]

Lyndsey.

Hi, Alan.

Uh, did we have plans for tonight?

No, I was in the area

and I thought I'd surprise you with a booty call.

Oh. Wow.

Well, normally that would be delightful, but...Wait.

You're wearing cologne and your one good shirt.

You have a date.

Oh, no, I-I wouldn't call it a date,

you know, uh, um...

Walden met this woman,

and she's got a friend, really ugly.

Mm-hmm. [chuckling]

You know how they say, you know,

people were beaten with the ugly stick?

Well... well, you know,

if you took a bunch of the ugly sticks

and built an ugly house,

when this girl walked by,

the house would call her ugly.

Alan, relax.

You're allowed to date.Oh, really?

Of course. I mean, I have a boyfriend.

Oh, thank God, 'cause this girl is actually way hot.

[laughs]

I mean, you know, not as hot as you,

but, you know, young-hot.

You've been hot a lot longer.

I'm gonna go.

You sure you're okay with this?

I'm sure.

Go have fun.

Oh, that's my good old Lyndsey.

I didn't mean "old"!

[imitates siren]

Idiot Police.

Pull over.

God, it's great out here.

The stars look amazing.

Yeah, without the lights from the city, they really pop.

That's why you can see Orion's Belt so clearly.

Uh, you know, if you look under Orion's Belt,

uh, you can see his Little Dipper.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, you are so bad.

[laughing]

You're into astronomy?

'Cause I've been into astronomy

since I went to space camp.

Also about the same time I got into

getting my ass kicked at school.

I always wanted to go to space camp.

Nerd!

I prefer "geek."

Wh-What about you, Laurie?

Are you into astronomy?

Yep, I'm a Virgo.

But I'm not a virgin.

Both good signs for me.

So, uh, how did you become a princess, anyway?

Oh, I get that a lot.

[whispering]: I'm not a real princess.

I'm also not a real redhead.

You'll find that out later.

No way, it must be great being a princess.

Yeah, for the most part.

What's not so great are the pervy dads

who are trying to cop a feel.

The other day I was like,

"Do that again, you're gonna find out

where else my glass slipper fits."

Is it weird that that turns me on?

Is it weird that's why I told you?

So, hey, would you girls like a little more champagne?

Oh, I would![laughs]

I love champagne.

And puppies!

Um, what's the magic word?

Oh... boobs!

Ah, the kids must love you.

I really like Jill.

I mean, she's fun, she's beautiful, she's smart.

And I really like Laurie-- she's fun,

she's beautiful, she's stupid.

So, uh, what's the next move?

I'm gonna take Jill up to my room and show her my telescope.

What am I gonna do? There's nothing

in my room to show Laurie.

Yes, there is.

You have a couch that turns into a bed.

She'll be amazed.

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, my God!

Where'd the couch go?

Ah-ah-ah!

A magician never reveals his secrets.

That's amazing.

And for my next trick,

I'm going to make my penis disappear.

[gasps]

I'll need a volunteer from the audience.

Ooh, pick me, pick me!

Um...

[laughs]

[cell phone ringing]

[grunts]

Oh, sorry, um...

Uh, my mom.

No problem.

I'll go put in a condom.

Uh, uh, that's not how...

You know what? Great.

Lyndsey?

Alan? Thanks for calling.

You called me.

Oh, that's good 'cause I was

just gonna call you.

Lyndsey, you're drunk.

Alan, you're boring.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, wait!

Just one thing.

Remember when I told you I was okay

with you dating other people?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm not.

You're not?

[door opens]

I'm ready for your next trick.

Can I call you back? I'm...

going into a tunnel.

So, what do you think of your princess?

I think I am enchanted.

And engorged.

Well, let's see about giving this story

a happy ending.

Uh, can you hold on for a second?

Oh.Oh, oh!

Uh, not what I meant.

But... big thumbs-up.

Oh, oh!

It was a...

It was a metaphorical thumbs-up.

Uh, and-and you work with children.

Is everything all right?

Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, uh, can you just, uh,

hang on a minute? I've got to freshen up.

Oh, the bathroom's right there.

Yeah, no, I have to...

poop.

Okay.

Check out this star.

Is that the guy from Survivor?

Yeah, Jeff Probst.

He's naked and cooking...

bacon?

Yeah, he does it every night.

It's a regular bacon and sausage fest.

And why do you watch?

Uh, there's not much on TV.

But... more importantly...

I think he wants me to.

Well, maybe if there was something better

for you to look at?

Oh.

[loud knocking]

ALAN: Walden! Walden!

I know! Probst is cooking.

ALAN: No, no! It-it's an emergency.

I'm sorry, it's...Mm-hmm.

What?

Lyndsey called me.

Oh, my God.Yeah.

Why didn't you say that from the beginning?

[loud knocking]

She told me she is not okay with me dating someone else.

She has a boyfriend, okay?

What she's doing to you is not fair.So what should I do?

You should do what every boy in America has dreamed about doing,

and go downstairs and bang the Little Mermaid.

You're right.

A bush in the hand and all that.

Well, I'd tell you to go screw her brains out,

but somebody already beat you to it.

[cell phone ringing]

Aw, great.

Um...

Hi, Lynds.

No, no, you have, uh, nothing to apologize for.

I-I sent her home.

You left a surprise for me?

Oh...

you didn't have to do that.

Surprise!

Lyndsey?Yeah.

I felt bad about ruining your date

so I wanted to make it up to you.Oh.

LAURIE: Alan, where are you?

Who was that?

Oh, uh, that's just a TV show I'm watching.

It's called...

Alan, Where Are You?

Um, well,

you know what? Thanks for dropping by,

but I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

So I will see you soon.

Are you done pooping?

[groans]

Whoop!

Who the hell is this?

Ooh, I'm so sorry.

Is this your mom?

Bitch, you are gonna die!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I thought you said you sent the slut home.

How does she know I'm a slut?

Okay, okay, this-this is just a classic misunderstanding.

It-it's like a bad episode of Alan, Where Are You?

You lied to me!

I was just about to kick her out.

You were about to kick me out?

I wasn't. I was.

I wasn't.

WALDEN: Hey.

What is going on?

Alan's mom thinks I'm a slut.

Alan's cheating on me.

Uh, you have a boyfriend!

Now who's the slut?

Ooh, ooh!

Okay, maybe...

we should just get our things and go.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't-don't get your things.

I like your things.

I haven't even seen your things.

I really think we should call it a night.

No, Alan, do something!

Uh, o-okay, what we're gonna do is...

[retching]

Whoa!

Whoa.

Must have vagina!

Morning.

Hey, sorry for puking in the living room last night.

What?

I think I just drank

a little too much.

Oh, th-that wasn't you. That was Lyndsey.

Oh, awesome!

Guess who doesn't have a drinking problem.

Morning. Morning.

Sorry again about last night.

You know what? I really liked Jill.

What happened was out of my control.

No, it wasn't!

This whole non-relationship relationship thing

you have going on with Lyndsey is ridiculous.

And now it's affecting me.

You owe me a princess and an area rug.

What happened?I'll tell you what happened. Nothing.

The only person who got hot, drunk sex last night

was Lyndsey's boyfriend.

Actually...

Okay, fine. Him and you.

Well...Aw, damn it!

[doorbell rings]

Lyndsey, can we talk?

Sure, I've been puking at 20-minute intervals.

So... you got eight minutes.

Look, a-about last night...

I-I am really sorry.

I-I was totally out of line.

It's just... I started picturing you

with some other girl and I got so jealous.

I mean...

isn't that crazy?

It's you.

Ouch, there was an iron fist

in that velvet glove.

Um, look.

I want to be with you.

And this whole thing with me,

you and Larry just isn't working anymore.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying it's-it's either me or him.

Well, it's not that simple.

I can't just choose.

I guess you already did.

Good-bye, Lyndsey.

Alan, wait.

Yeah?

I-I choose you.

Really?

Yeah.Oh!

Oh, you make me so happy.You make me happy, too.

So, you gonna break up with Larry?

Yes. Aw, great.

It feels so good to be back in your arms.

Yeah...

Hold on.

[retching]

Oh, hold my hair!

Oh, it's just like old times.

[yells]

♪ Men.♪

Wow.

Yeah, wow.

That was, uh...

Boring. Very.

What was missing?

Larry.Larry.

Knowing we're not supposed to have sex made it way hotter.

It really did.

You think maybe Larry would take you back?

I haven't told him yet.Smart.

Hey.

Now that we both know that Larry's still in the picture,

maybe we should try again.

Okay.

I promise this time I won't fake my orgasm.

Oh, then neither will I.

Walden.

Can you help me, miss?

A beautiful woman fled my house last night and the only clue

I have to her identity

is this shoe she left behind.

Oh, that's very sweet, but this isn't a good time.

Why, is it...?

Do I smell bacon?

You should go.

Everything okay, babe?

JILL: I just need a second.

All right.

Bacon's ready.

I'm sorry.

Damn you, Probst.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

♪ Men.♪