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1
00:00:02,741 --> 00:00:04,439
[conversation, laughter]
2
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:06,223
Thank you.
3
00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:07,964
Wow. She's cute.
4
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:09,444
She sure is.
5
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:11,098
She sucks
in bed.
6
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:13,143
And not in a good way.
7
00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:15,319
Her, too?
8
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:16,712
I-I didn't even know
she was gay.
9
00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:19,106
Neither did she,
till last Thursday.
10
00:00:19,193 --> 00:00:22,065
You're like some
kind of lesbian zombie
11
00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:24,198
infecting all
the women of Malibu.
12
00:00:24,285 --> 00:00:25,199
Ha!
13
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:26,504
I like that.
14
00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:29,551
[as zombie]:
Must have vagina.
15
00:00:29,638 --> 00:00:32,467
[as zombie]:
Must have vagina.
16
00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:33,990
Sounds like some kind of
weird help wanted ad
17
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:34,991
Alan would place.
18
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,036
[chuckles]
19
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:38,864
So when did you realize
that you were gay?
20
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:39,865
Oh, oh...
21
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:41,954
What's that I hear?
22
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,348
Is that your own closet door
finally swinging open?
23
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:46,089
Trust me,
if I was gay
24
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:47,699
you'd be the first
one to know.
25
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,051
You know, I think I was
in high school
26
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,748
when I figured it out.
27
00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:54,097
A bunch of my friends
were having a sleepover
28
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:55,577
and we started talking about
29
00:00:55,664 --> 00:00:57,579
what it would be like
to kiss a boy
30
00:00:57,666 --> 00:00:58,754
and who was the best kisser.
31
00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:00,799
So me and my friend Kimberly,
32
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,236
who was a cheerleader,
33
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:04,194
decided to settle it
by making out.
34
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,369
A-a cheerleader?
35
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,763
Let the woman talk.
36
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,678
Kimberly was so hot.
37
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,985
I still remember
how soft her lips felt
38
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,814
as she slipped
her hand under my shirt
39
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:18,339
and kissed her way down my body.
40
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:24,214
Must've been a strange and
confusing time for you.
41
00:01:25,694 --> 00:01:26,564
Please continue.
42
00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:30,133
She closed her eyes.
43
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,091
She parted her lips.
44
00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:34,572
She arched her back
45
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:37,097
and I whispered in her ear,
46
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:40,230
"Oh, my God,
47
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:42,145
"Kimberly,
48
00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:43,842
"I can't believe
49
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:45,931
"these two idiots
50
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:47,977
actually believe this story."
51
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:52,982
And then what happe...
Aw!
52
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:54,114
Damn it!
53
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,812
It's not that complicated.
54
00:01:56,899 --> 00:01:59,162
The first time you masturbate
thinking about the school nurse
55
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,555
you pretty much know.
56
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:03,384
BOTH:
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
57
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:08,128
We need to start
hanging out with
girls who aren't gay.
58
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,129
Or related to us.
59
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,479
How 'bout her?
60
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,004
Oh, I suppose I could
go talk to her.
61
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:17,572
I think Jenny was
talking about me.
62
00:02:17,659 --> 00:02:19,530
Oh, really?
63
00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,097
And you assume that
just because you're
rich and good-looking?
64
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:23,099
No, I was going to say
smart and charming,
65
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:25,232
but if you mix all those
ingredients together,
66
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:27,712
you make one delicious
hot guy pie.
67
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:31,194
Well, your "hot guy pie"
is no match for my system.
68
00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:32,761
No, hold on.
69
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:33,631
Going on Craigslist
and looking up "escorts"
70
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:34,545
isn't a system.
71
00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:36,068
That is not my system,
72
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,375
that is my backup plan.
73
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,290
My system consists
of the three "C"s:
74
00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:42,988
connect, charm and cry.
75
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,773
Works every time.
76
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:45,687
Uh, okay...
77
00:02:45,774 --> 00:02:47,428
"Hi, my name's Alan.
78
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,212
"That is a beautiful
blouse you're wearing.
79
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:53,521
My dead wife was buried
in one just like it."
80
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,740
Yeah, my system's
a lot simpler.
81
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:56,915
I wait for you
to finish talking
82
00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:58,265
and then I
take them home.
83
00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:00,528
Oh, oh, big words
coming from somebody
84
00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:02,486
sitting alone
next to me.
Oh.
85
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,314
Okay, fine.
Well, let's just go see
who she likes better.
86
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:09,232
Oh, my God.
87
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:11,669
No one is safe.
88
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:20,069
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
89
00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:21,288
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
90
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,469
[indistinct conversations]
91
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:31,080
Hey, do you think all women
are potentially lesbians?
92
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,387
Um, I have 30 years
93
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,302
of masturbating to porn
that say yes.
94
00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:38,000
You know,
you brag more
95
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:39,610
about your
masturbating prowess
96
00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:40,872
than any person
I know.
97
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,614
It ain't bragging
if it's true.
98
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:47,575
Ooh. Alpha bravo,
two bogeys on your six.
99
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,925
Why are you
talking like that?
100
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,927
Oh, my...
Did you have a stroke?
101
00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:53,407
It's airplane talk.
102
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,104
I'm your wingman.
103
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:56,932
It... it just means
two cute girls
just walked in.
104
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:59,151
Why didn't you just say
two cute girls
just walked in?
105
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,457
Roger that.
106
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:02,024
Will you stop that?Over and out.
107
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:06,463
Wow.
Yeah.
108
00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:07,769
They are cute.
Yeah, yeah.
109
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,205
So, uh... so what's
the play here?
110
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,555
Um, uh... how about
something like, uh...
111
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,383
"Hey, uh, those
seats are taken,
112
00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,080
but our faces aren't"?
113
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,649
How about,
"I'm Walden,
114
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,956
and this is my
mute friend Alan"?
115
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,611
Fine.
116
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:25,395
You think you've got such
great game, lead the way,
117
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:28,006
Mr. "I'm too good for
Craigslist and masturbating."
118
00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:31,619
Hi.
119
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:34,274
Hi.
120
00:04:38,713 --> 00:04:39,801
That's all I got.
121
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,806
Uh, ladies, uh, uh,
how much does
a polar bear weigh?
122
00:04:44,893 --> 00:04:46,286
Oh, I don't know.
123
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:48,592
Enough to break the ice.
I'm Dr. Alan Harper.
124
00:04:50,028 --> 00:04:51,552
Uh, this is my associate
Walden Schmidt.
125
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:53,031
Google him,
he's rich.
126
00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:55,643
If you Google me,
you can see my boobs.
127
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:58,689
Also if you do this.
128
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,126
Hi.
129
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:02,650
Oh, oh, uh,
take another look,
130
00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,739
but this time
spell "attic."
131
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:07,742
A-T-T-I-C.
132
00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:11,311
Oh! I get it.
133
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,964
Because these are my tee-tees
134
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,140
and I see them.
135
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,838
I'm sorry
about my friend.
I'm sorry
about my friend.
136
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,885
Walden.
Jill.
137
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,713
So, Alan, what kind of
doctor are you?
138
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:23,714
Oh, I'm a...
139
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:25,629
a chiropractor...
140
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:26,804
slash brain surgeon.
141
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,502
Oh!
142
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:29,938
So, uh, w-what do
you guys do?
143
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,679
We're princesses
at a theme park.
144
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,681
Really?
145
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,465
Yeah, I play
Cinderella
146
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:36,945
and she's the
Little Mermaid.
147
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,076
Oh, well, that
certainly makes sense
148
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,339
because, uh,
you "swept"
149
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,166
my friend
off his feet
150
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:42,690
and-and I'm
"hooked" on you.
151
00:05:42,777 --> 00:05:45,040
Oh, my God,
that's funny
152
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:46,476
because I'm a fish.
153
00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:48,217
[laughing]
Yes.
154
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,697
The answer to the question
you're not asking is:
155
00:05:49,784 --> 00:05:51,786
because she makes
me look smart.
156
00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:55,964
Well, the answer
to the question
you're not asking is:
157
00:05:56,051 --> 00:05:56,921
because he won't
move out.
158
00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:03,841
Morning.Oh, hey.
159
00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:05,016
How great
was last night?
160
00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:06,583
It was pretty good.
161
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,063
Those girls didn't know
what hit 'em.
162
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:09,804
What'd you use,
chloroform or Tasers?
163
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:12,502
I will have you know
164
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:13,764
that Walden and I
have dates tonight
165
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:14,852
with two theme park princesses.
166
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,724
Mine's Cinderella.
167
00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:19,161
Perfect for you.
168
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:21,293
Storybook beauty.
169
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,860
And mine is the Little Mermaid.
170
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:24,340
Perfect for you.
171
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:25,776
No legs to run away.
172
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,955
I'm telling you,
if we play our cards right,
173
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:34,611
we're gonna get ourselves
some fairy-tail.
174
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,134
"Fairy-tail"?
175
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,963
Because, you know,
"tail" has two meanings.
176
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:39,877
Yeah, so does "fairy."
177
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:43,968
Hey, guys.
178
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:45,187
ALAN:
Hi.
Hey.
179
00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:46,493
This is Maria.
180
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,494
Maria, this is Walden
and Alan.
181
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:48,886
Oh, that's so cool.
182
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,322
You didn't tell me
your parents were gay.
183
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:54,718
Didn't I?
184
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,938
Dad and Mom.
185
00:06:57,025 --> 00:06:58,069
Hi.
It's nice
to meet you.
186
00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:00,071
Uh, listen,
I gotta go.
187
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,769
But you are going
to call me, right?
188
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:02,770
Absolutely.
You sure?
189
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,902
Yes.
190
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:07,078
I would not lie to you
in front of my parents.
191
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:09,124
Bye, it was nice meeting you.
192
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:12,954
Don't be a stranger, dear.
193
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:16,697
That's not the girl you
picked up in the bar last night.
194
00:07:16,784 --> 00:07:18,481
No, she delivered the pizza
195
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:20,004
to me and the girl I picked up
at the bar last night.
196
00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:25,183
Well, I hope you gave her
a good tip.
197
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:27,577
Nah, she didn't come
in 30 minutes or less.
198
00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:34,932
Whoa.
199
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:36,020
[imitates siren]
200
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,500
Fashion Police.
201
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,415
Pull over.
202
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:40,372
What?
203
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,244
The reason I stopped you
204
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:45,856
is it appears
your style has expired.
205
00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:46,944
You don't like
this sweater?
206
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,076
I thought it
looked good.
207
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:51,209
Have you been drinking, sir?
208
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:53,342
This coming
from a man
209
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:55,910
who looks like he's been
tented for termites.
210
00:07:57,999 --> 00:08:00,044
[doorbell rings]
211
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:03,526
Lyndsey.
212
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:04,875
Hi, Alan.
213
00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:06,486
Uh, did we have
plans for tonight?
214
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,052
No, I was
in the area
215
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,010
and I thought I'd surprise
you with a booty call.
216
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,447
Oh. Wow.
217
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,057
Well, normally that would
be delightful, but...Wait.
218
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,845
You're wearing cologne
and your one good shirt.
219
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:21,109
You have a date.
220
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,503
Oh, no, I-I wouldn't
call it a date,
221
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,026
you know, uh, um...
222
00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:27,028
Walden met this woman,
223
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:29,857
and she's got a friend,
really ugly.
224
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,249
Mm-hmm.
[chuckling]
225
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:32,773
You know how
they say, you know,
226
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:33,774
people were beaten
with the ugly stick?
227
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,253
Well...
well, you know,
228
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,299
if you took a bunch
of the ugly sticks
229
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:39,040
and built an ugly house,
230
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:41,825
when this girl
walked by,
231
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,045
the house would
call her ugly.
232
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,962
Alan, relax.
233
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:50,138
You're allowed to date.Oh, really?
234
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,053
Of course. I mean,
I have a boyfriend.
235
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,403
Oh, thank God,
'cause this girl is
actually way hot.
236
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:55,883
[laughs]
237
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,101
I mean, you know,
not as hot as you,
238
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:58,494
but, you know,
young-hot.
239
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:03,151
You've been hot
a lot longer.
240
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:09,636
I'm gonna go.
241
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:10,637
You sure you're
okay with this?
242
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:11,986
I'm sure.
243
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:14,249
Go have fun.
244
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:17,208
Oh, that's my good old Lyndsey.
245
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,602
I didn't mean "old"!
246
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,430
[imitates siren]
247
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:25,260
Idiot Police.
248
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:26,870
Pull over.
249
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,616
God, it's great out here.
250
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:35,618
The stars look amazing.
251
00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:37,968
Yeah, without the lights
from the city,
they really pop.
252
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:40,928
That's why you can see
Orion's Belt so clearly.
253
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,670
Uh, you know, if you
look under Orion's Belt,
254
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,628
uh, you can see
his Little Dipper.
255
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:46,847
[laughs]
256
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:47,848
Oh, my God,
you are so bad.
257
00:09:47,935 --> 00:09:48,849
[laughing]
258
00:09:48,936 --> 00:09:50,241
You're into astronomy?
259
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,503
'Cause I've been
into astronomy
260
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,766
since I went
to space camp.
261
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:55,116
Also about the same
time I got into
262
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:57,292
getting my ass kicked
at school.
263
00:09:57,379 --> 00:10:00,251
I always wanted
to go to space camp.
264
00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:01,078
Nerd!
265
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:03,080
I prefer "geek."
266
00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:06,997
Wh-What about you,
Laurie?
267
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:07,998
Are you into
astronomy?
268
00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:10,348
Yep, I'm a Virgo.
269
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:12,655
But I'm not a virgin.
270
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:16,659
Both good signs
for me.
271
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:19,227
So, uh, how did you become
a princess, anyway?
272
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,098
Oh, I get that a lot.
273
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:25,450
[whispering]:
I'm not a real princess.
274
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,888
I'm also not
a real redhead.
275
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,977
You'll find
that out later.
276
00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:33,633
No way, it must be great
being a princess.
277
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,982
Yeah, for the most part.
278
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:37,158
What's not so great
are the pervy dads
279
00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:39,377
who are trying
to cop a feel.
280
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:40,901
The other day I was like,
281
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,380
"Do that again,
you're gonna find out
282
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,252
where else
my glass slipper fits."
283
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:46,776
Is it weird that
that turns me on?
284
00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:49,387
Is it weird
that's why I told you?
285
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,694
So, hey, would you girls like
a little more champagne?
286
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:52,956
Oh, I would![laughs]
287
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:53,653
I love champagne.
288
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,002
And puppies!
289
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:57,613
Um, what's the magic word?
290
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,485
Oh... boobs!
291
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,574
Ah, the kids must love you.
292
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:10,104
I really like Jill.
293
00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:12,584
I mean, she's fun, she's
beautiful, she's smart.
294
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,716
And I really like Laurie--
she's fun,
295
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:16,937
she's beautiful, she's stupid.
296
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,852
So, uh, what's the next move?
297
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:21,811
I'm gonna take Jill up to my
room and show her my telescope.
298
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:22,856
What am I gonna do?
There's nothing
299
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:23,987
in my room to show Laurie.
300
00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:25,510
Yes, there is.
301
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,947
You have a couch
that turns into a bed.
302
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:27,295
She'll be amazed.
303
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:32,561
Okay, open your eyes.
304
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:35,085
Oh, my God!
305
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:37,827
Where'd the couch go?
306
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,307
Ah-ah-ah!
307
00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:41,439
A magician never
reveals his secrets.
308
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:44,051
That's amazing.
309
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:45,487
And for my next trick,
310
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:47,271
I'm going to make
my penis disappear.
311
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:48,795
[gasps]
312
00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:50,622
I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.
313
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,407
Ooh, pick me, pick me!
314
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:53,800
Um...
315
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,236
[laughs]
316
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:58,326
[cell phone ringing]
317
00:11:58,413 --> 00:11:59,501
[grunts]
318
00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:01,024
Oh, sorry, um...
319
00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:03,461
Uh, my mom.
320
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:04,506
No problem.
321
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,595
I'll go put in a condom.
322
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,729
Uh, uh, that's not how...
323
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:10,338
You know what? Great.
324
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:14,908
Lyndsey?
325
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:17,388
Alan? Thanks for calling.
326
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:18,912
You called me.
327
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,000
Oh, that's good 'cause I was
328
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:21,305
just gonna call you.
329
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,567
Lyndsey, you're drunk.
330
00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:24,308
Alan, you're boring.
331
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:25,614
Okay, I'm gonna go.
332
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:26,746
Whoa, whoa, wait!
333
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,486
Just one thing.
334
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,184
Remember when I told you
I was okay
335
00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:31,315
with you dating other people?
336
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:32,316
Uh-huh.
337
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,578
Well, I'm not.
338
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,015
You're not?
339
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:36,668
[door opens]
340
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,235
I'm ready
for your next trick.
341
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:42,152
Can I call you back? I'm...
342
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,198
going into a tunnel.
343
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:54,338
So, what do you think
of your princess?
344
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:56,514
I think I am enchanted.
345
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:57,907
And engorged.
346
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:01,432
Well, let's see
about giving this story
347
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:03,565
a happy ending.
348
00:13:03,652 --> 00:13:05,045
Uh, can you hold on
for a second?
349
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,046
Oh.Oh, oh!
350
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,656
Uh, not what I meant.
351
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,789
But... big thumbs-up.
352
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:10,790
Oh, oh!
353
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,922
It was a...
354
00:13:13,009 --> 00:13:14,794
It was a metaphorical thumbs-up.
355
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:18,014
Uh, and-and you work
with children.
356
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,537
Is everything all right?
357
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,626
Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, uh,
can you just, uh,
358
00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:23,454
hang on a minute?
I've got to freshen up.
359
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:24,804
Oh, the bathroom's right there.
360
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,631
Yeah, no, I have to...
361
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,720
poop.
362
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:32,333
Okay.
363
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:35,510
Check out this star.
364
00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:37,468
Is that the guy from Survivor?
365
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:39,775
Yeah, Jeff Probst.
366
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,082
He's naked and cooking...
367
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,257
bacon?
368
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:44,780
Yeah, he does it every night.
369
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:47,609
It's a regular bacon
and sausage fest.
370
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,003
And why do you watch?
371
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,091
Uh, there's not much on TV.
372
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:52,962
But... more importantly...
373
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,921
I think he wants me to.
374
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:58,446
Well, maybe if there
was something better
375
00:13:58,533 --> 00:13:59,012
for you to look at?
376
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:01,101
Oh.
377
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:02,276
[loud knocking]
378
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:03,712
ALAN:
Walden! Walden!
379
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:06,541
I know! Probst is cooking.
380
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:11,415
ALAN:
No, no! It-it's an emergency.
381
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,243
I'm sorry, it's...Mm-hmm.
382
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:16,812
What?
383
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:17,900
Lyndsey called me.
384
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,554
Oh, my God.Yeah.
385
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,643
Why didn't you say that
from the beginning?
386
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,125
[loud knocking]
387
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,261
She told me she is not okay
with me dating someone else.
388
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,220
She has a boyfriend, okay?
389
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,178
What she's doing
to you is not fair.So what should I do?
390
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:37,789
You should do what every boy in
America has dreamed about doing,
391
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,227
and go downstairs
and bang the Little Mermaid.
392
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:43,621
You're right.
393
00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:45,319
A bush in the hand
and all that.
394
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,147
Well, I'd tell you
to go screw her brains out,
395
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:47,887
but somebody already
beat you to it.
396
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,022
[cell phone ringing]
397
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:53,849
Aw, great.
398
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,504
Um...
399
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,201
Hi, Lynds.
400
00:14:58,288 --> 00:15:01,117
No, no, you have, uh,
nothing to apologize for.
401
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:04,077
I-I sent her home.
402
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:06,862
You left a surprise for me?
403
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:09,082
Oh...
404
00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:10,518
you didn't have to do that.
405
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,955
Surprise!
406
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:14,217
Lyndsey?Yeah.
407
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:17,046
I felt bad
about ruining your date
408
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,527
so I wanted
to make it up to you.Oh.
409
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:20,832
LAURIE:
Alan, where are you?
410
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,096
Who was that?
411
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:23,879
Oh, uh, that's just
a TV show I'm watching.
412
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:24,880
It's called...
413
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,882
Alan, Where Are You?
414
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:29,015
Um, well,
415
00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:30,538
you know what?
Thanks for dropping by,
416
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:31,539
but I'm gonna have
to take a rain check.
417
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:32,975
So I will see you soon.
418
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:35,891
Are you done pooping?
419
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:36,892
[groans]
420
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,502
Whoop!
421
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,200
Who the hell is this?
422
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:41,897
Ooh, I'm so sorry.
423
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,290
Is this your mom?
424
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:47,163
Bitch, you are gonna die!
425
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,817
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
426
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:51,515
I thought you said
you sent the slut home.
427
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,648
How does she know I'm a slut?
428
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,564
Okay, okay, this-this is just
a classic misunderstanding.
429
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:59,001
It-it's like a bad episode
of Alan, Where Are You?
430
00:16:00,568 --> 00:16:01,873
You lied to me!
431
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,614
I was just about
to kick her out.
432
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:04,876
You were about to kick me out?
433
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:05,834
I wasn't. I was.
434
00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:06,878
I wasn't.
435
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:07,879
WALDEN:
Hey.
436
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,881
What is going on?
437
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,536
Alan's mom thinks I'm a slut.
438
00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:13,929
Alan's cheating on me.
439
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:16,062
Uh, you have a boyfriend!
440
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,019
Now who's the slut?
441
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:19,108
Ooh, ooh!
442
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,631
Okay, maybe...
443
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:21,676
we should just get
our things and go.
444
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:22,764
No, no, no, no, no, no!
445
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:23,591
Don't-don't get your things.
446
00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:24,940
I like your things.
447
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:27,421
I haven't even
seen your things.
448
00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,466
I really think we
should call it a night.
449
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,033
No, Alan, do something!
450
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,252
Uh, o-okay, what we're
gonna do is...
451
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:35,516
[retching]
452
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,085
Whoa!
453
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,827
Whoa.
454
00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:44,916
Must have vagina!
455
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,533
Morning.
456
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:56,058
Hey, sorry for puking
in the living room last night.
457
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:57,016
What?
458
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,278
I think I just drank
459
00:16:58,365 --> 00:16:59,757
a little too much.
460
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,107
Oh, th-that wasn't you.
That was Lyndsey.
461
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:02,978
Oh, awesome!
462
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:06,938
Guess who doesn't have
a drinking problem.
463
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,071
Morning.
Morning.
464
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,856
Sorry again about last night.
465
00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:14,381
You know what?
I really liked Jill.
466
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:15,947
What happened was
out of my control.
467
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,862
No, it wasn't!
468
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,343
This whole non-relationship
relationship thing
469
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:22,302
you have going on
with Lyndsey is ridiculous.
470
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:23,868
And now it's affecting me.
471
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,958
You owe me a princess
and an area rug.
472
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,005
What happened?I'll tell you what happened.
Nothing.
473
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,747
The only person who got hot,
drunk sex last night
474
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:34,792
was Lyndsey's boyfriend.
475
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:35,924
Actually...
476
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,447
Okay, fine.
Him and you.
477
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,970
Well...Aw, damn it!
478
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,803
[doorbell rings]
479
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:51,983
Lyndsey, can we talk?
480
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,073
Sure, I've been puking
at 20-minute intervals.
481
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,293
So... you got eight minutes.
482
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,687
Look, a-about last night...
483
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:01,558
I-I am really sorry.
484
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,473
I-I was totally out of line.
485
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,301
It's just...
I started picturing you
486
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,695
with some other girl
and I got so jealous.
487
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,523
I mean...
488
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:10,176
isn't that crazy?
489
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,395
It's you.
490
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,964
Ouch, there was an iron fist
491
00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:17,008
in that velvet glove.
492
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,360
Um, look.
493
00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:21,535
I want to be with you.
494
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:23,841
And this whole thing with me,
495
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:26,757
you and Larry
just isn't working anymore.
496
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:29,108
So what are you saying?
497
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:32,328
I'm saying
it's-it's either me or him.
498
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,287
Well, it's not that simple.
499
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:35,244
I can't just choose.
500
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,159
I guess you already did.
501
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:40,554
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
502
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:41,163
Alan, wait.
503
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,079
Yeah?
504
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,037
I-I choose you.
505
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,823
Really?
506
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:50,564
Yeah.Oh!
507
00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:53,393
Oh, you make me so happy.You make me happy, too.
508
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,308
So, you gonna
break up with Larry?
509
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,701
Yes.
Aw, great.
510
00:18:57,788 --> 00:18:59,486
It feels so good
to be back in your arms.
511
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:00,878
Yeah...
512
00:19:00,965 --> 00:19:02,402
Hold on.
513
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,056
[retching]
514
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,146
Oh, hold my hair!
515
00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:13,108
Oh, it's just like old times.
516
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:15,154
[yells]
517
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,726
♪ Men.♪
518
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,034
Wow.
519
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:28,602
Yeah, wow.
520
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:29,646
That was, uh...
521
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,648
Boring.
Very.
522
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:33,911
What was missing?
523
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:39,961
Larry.Larry.
524
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:42,355
Knowing we're not supposed
to have sex made it way hotter.
525
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:43,965
It really did.
526
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:46,663
You think maybe Larry
would take you back?
527
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:50,537
I haven't told him yet.Smart.
528
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,495
Hey.
529
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:54,541
Now that we both know that
Larry's still in the picture,
530
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:55,672
maybe we should try again.
531
00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:58,153
Okay.
532
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,329
I promise this time
I won't fake my orgasm.
533
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,592
Oh, then neither will I.
534
00:20:08,903 --> 00:20:11,427
Walden.
535
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,255
Can you help me, miss?
536
00:20:13,342 --> 00:20:16,432
A beautiful woman fled my house
last night and the only clue
537
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:17,955
I have to her identity
538
00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:21,045
is this shoe she left behind.
539
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:24,701
Oh, that's very sweet,
but this isn't a good time.
540
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:26,834
Why, is it...?
541
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:29,880
Do I smell bacon?
542
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,795
You should go.
543
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:33,884
Everything okay, babe?
544
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:37,671
JILL:
I just need a second.
545
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,368
All right.
546
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:43,285
Bacon's ready.
547
00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:45,766
I'm sorry.
548
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:48,159
Damn you, Probst.
549
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:48,986
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
550
00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:51,467
and TOYOTA.
551
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:52,816
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
552
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:54,688
♪ Men.♪
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