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1
00:00:02,132 --> 00:00:03,916
♪ Men.♪
2
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:08,617
Oh.
3
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,403
What are you doing, Alan?
4
00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:13,883
Gazing at you
in the morning light.
5
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:16,146
Aw, that's sweet.
6
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,321
And creepy.
7
00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:19,715
I just... I
can't remember
8
00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:21,717
the last time we
woke up together.[chuckles]
9
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,371
And we're not the only two up.
10
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:24,850
Cock-a-doodle-doo, you.
11
00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:27,505
That's just creepy.
12
00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:28,941
Where you going?
13
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,552
I have to pick Larry up
from the airport.
14
00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:33,250
Oh, have Larry take a cab
and stay here with me.
15
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,470
I'll even give you $50
for the fare.
16
00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:38,516
[both laugh]
17
00:00:38,603 --> 00:00:40,301
All right, all right,
I'll walk you out.
18
00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:43,434
Let me just tuck the old
rooster back in the barn.
19
00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:44,827
[grunts]
20
00:00:44,914 --> 00:00:46,916
Oh.
21
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,701
Oh. Hi.
22
00:00:49,788 --> 00:00:52,269
Jenny, this is Lyndsey.
23
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:54,445
This is Lyndsey, too.It's Leslie.
24
00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:57,709
Oh, that's a pretty name.
25
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,974
I really enjoyed
myself last night.
26
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:06,414
Well, I really enjoyed myself
watching you enjoy yourself.
27
00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:07,937
Oh. Wow.
28
00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:10,548
Got a little traffic jam here.
29
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:13,812
"Pretty lady pileup
on the PCH in Malibu.
30
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:16,641
I know at least one of them
was rear-ended."
31
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:20,689
Sorry, girls.
32
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,126
This one's mine.
33
00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:24,388
I'll see you.Okay. Bye.
34
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,999
Call me.Call me.
35
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,046
Call me.[door shuts]
36
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,047
I'm not calling.
37
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,962
I'm not calling.
38
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:36,008
She's not calling.
39
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,750
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
40
00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:41,840
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
41
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:48,108
[moaning]Ow. Ow.
42
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,980
Okay, okay. This is ridiculous.
Why can't we go to a hotel?
43
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,547
Are you gonna spring for a room?
44
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,419
Traditionally, the mistress
does not pay.
45
00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:57,421
I'm sorry. I just don't
have a lot of time,
46
00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:58,553
and I have a lot
of other errands to run.
47
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,859
So I'm just an errand?
48
00:02:00,946 --> 00:02:03,949
No. But you are
on my to-do list.
49
00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,560
So what do you say we do it
in the backseat?
50
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:08,954
Really? I'd say
you're usually drunk
51
00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:10,782
before you let me do...Alan.
52
00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:14,308
I'm talking about the backseat
of the car.
53
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,092
Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure.
54
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:18,747
Oh, there's a box of stuff
back here.
55
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:19,704
Just shove that junk
in the trunk.
56
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:22,707
I'm getting a lot
of mixed messages here.
57
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,884
Wh-What is this stuff anyway?
58
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,712
Bunch of old clothes of Larry's.
59
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,279
I'm giving them to Goodwill
after I squeeze you in.
60
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,543
I did that one on purpose.
61
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:36,460
Mmm. This is nice stuff.
62
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,114
I have to bring some stuff
to Goodwill.
63
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:39,724
Why don't I just take this, too?
64
00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,596
Really? What do you have
to bring to Goodwill?
65
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:45,513
Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause
I just got a new wardrobe.
66
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:48,864
♪ Men.♪
67
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,171
Morning.
68
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,955
Afternoon.
69
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:56,524
Oh, thank God. I thought
I was drinking in the morning.
70
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,047
Jenny...
71
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,702
where do you see yourself
in five years?
72
00:03:00,789 --> 00:03:03,661
Little house on the beach
in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
73
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:06,186
Wait, Kate Upton's straight.
74
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,231
Give me two weeks.
75
00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:10,407
What I'm saying is,
you didn't just move out here
76
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,192
to party and drink, did you?
77
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,324
Well, I want to be an actress,
so...
78
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,152
yeah.
79
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,502
I mean, seriously, what are you
doing about your career?
80
00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:19,677
Are you looking for an agent?
81
00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,244
Are you taking acting classes?
82
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,594
Oh, my God. If I squint,
83
00:03:23,681 --> 00:03:27,294
you're, like,
a prettier version of my mom.
84
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:29,687
I'm pointing out
that it's the middle of the day
85
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,863
and you still haven't done
a single thing yet.
86
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,692
I could say the same thing
about you.
87
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,128
Oh. There.
88
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,741
I just sold a company
for $25 million.
89
00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,221
Really?
90
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,874
No, I bought a Groupon
for Indian food.
91
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:46,182
But it's still more
than you've done.
92
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,270
ALAN:
Oh, oh, sorry.
93
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:49,272
What's that? Oh. Why, yes,
94
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:52,623
it is a $5,000 Armani suit.
95
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:56,714
Wow. $5,003 just walked
into the room.
96
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,629
It's one of Larry's old suits.
97
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,718
He was gonna give it to charity,
but I stole it just in time.
98
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:02,111
[groans]
99
00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:04,069
Alan, you're going to hell.
100
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:05,767
Yes, but you're going to Heaven,
and I'll just be your plus-one.
101
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:10,946
Sweet. Somebody else
for you to judge.
102
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,426
I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton.
103
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:16,473
You're already having sex
with this guy's girlfriend.
104
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:17,953
Now you're wearing his clothes?
105
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,608
I know. How awesome am I?
106
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,436
I have a hot blonde girlfriend,
107
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:23,306
a closet full
of designer clothes
108
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,090
and a beach house.
109
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:27,789
Where to begin?
110
00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:30,313
Not your girlfriend,
not your clothes
111
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,402
and-- how many times
do I have to say this?--
112
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,404
it's not your beach house.
113
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,015
In fact, if you took away
114
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,713
everything that was
Larry's or mine,
115
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,844
you'd be alone on the street
in your underwear.
116
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:43,892
Actually, I'd be naked.
117
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:46,808
Please tell me you're wearing
Larry's underwear and not mine.
118
00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:49,071
Yes, they're Larry's.
119
00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:52,683
Although my bug is a little snug
in his rug.
120
00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:56,470
King to rook four.
Checkmate, Alan's penis.
121
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,994
I don't think
I've ever said this.
122
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:02,302
In fact, I don't know if anyone
has ever said this, but...
123
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:06,044
Alan Harper,
you're better than this.
124
00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,481
I'm just making the best
of what I've got.
125
00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:09,265
You know,
when life gives you lemons,
126
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:10,614
you take the lemon's clothes
127
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,486
and have sex
with his girlfriend.
128
00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:16,316
Okay. Where do you see you
and Lyndsey in five years?
129
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,796
JENNY:
Don't answer!
It's a trap!
130
00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:23,497
All I'm saying is, is you
deserve a real relationship.
131
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,107
Well, what would you do
if you were in my shoes?
132
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:28,850
First, I'd give them back
to Larry.
133
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,939
And then I would tell Lyndsey
that things have to change
134
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:33,507
and I want more, and if she
can't give me what I want,
135
00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:35,204
then I'm not gonna give her
what she wants.
136
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,032
You do know what
she wants, though, right?
137
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:37,902
Wham, wham, wham.
138
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,906
That was sex.
139
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:42,820
No, that was sad.
140
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,996
But you know what?
141
00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,911
Hey, if you're happy,
then so be it.
142
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:49,566
No, no, no. You're right.
I'm-I'm gonna tell her that...
143
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:52,264
I want more, you know,
that I'm not just a, you know,
144
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,527
human vibrator.
145
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:55,920
Although...
how cool would that be?
146
00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:59,271
[buzzing]
147
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:03,798
How bad must this Larry guy
be in bed?
148
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,103
♪ Men.♪
149
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,802
[exhales]
That was amazing.
150
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:10,935
Tell your friends.[chuckles]
151
00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:14,243
Although, were you buzzing
at one point?
152
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,636
Oh, yeah, sorry.
153
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,072
I was just trying
something new.
154
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:19,335
No, no, whatever you did
definitely worked.
155
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,990
Alan Harper, pleasing
women since 2003.
156
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,905
That's when I
got divorced.
157
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:27,691
[chuckles]
You always make me laugh.
158
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,911
If that's the case, then
be with me all the time.
159
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,914
What?I want you back. I'm tired
of being the other man.
160
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:36,744
Oh, don't do this.
We're having such a good time.
161
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:39,224
Exactly. We have the best
sex, I-I make you laugh...
162
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,575
Often simultaneously.
163
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,838
What could Larry possibly
give you that I don't?
164
00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:45,666
There's just something
about him.
165
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,624
You'd have to know him
to understand.
166
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,453
He-he satisfies
a different part of me.
167
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:51,846
Point to it
and I'll buzz it.
[sighs]
168
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:55,110
Alan, I know
this is hard on you.
169
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,504
And, yes, I know
I said "hard on."
170
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,767
I just want to
see more of you.
171
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,595
Okay, how about this?
172
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,987
Larry takes spinning classes
on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
173
00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:05,294
You can see more of me then.
174
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:06,295
Fine.
175
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,210
But I am not gonna be
176
00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,559
at your beck and
call forever.
177
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,822
I have my dignity.
178
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,084
That would carry more weight
if you weren't wearing
179
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:14,129
Larry's underwear.
180
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,347
Well, the joke's on you.
181
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,001
This is Walden's underwear.
182
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,092
♪ Men.♪
183
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,051
You have a second?
184
00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:25,227
I just finished my second.
185
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:26,968
What I need is a third.
186
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:29,623
I will fill your cup,
but I will fill it
187
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,190
with knowledge, potential
and opportunity.
188
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:36,978
But bourbon makes me feel
smarter, prettier and taller.
189
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,458
What is this?
190
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:41,243
A friend of mine teaches
an acting class,
191
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,897
and there is a spot for you.Really?
192
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:44,115
Yeah, this guy's
the best.
193
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:47,641
Here, check out
his credits.
194
00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:50,470
CSI,urinating bum
number three.
195
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,950
Dexter,headless
victim number two.
196
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:55,126
That ain't easy.
197
00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:58,129
Why are you doing this?
198
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,436
'Cause I like you.
199
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,307
And...
200
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,745
I don't want you to wake up
one day and realize
201
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:07,225
that you've wasted your life and
you have nothing to show for it.
202
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,053
What I'm saying is,
203
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,142
I don't want you
to turn out like Alan.
204
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,451
I don't want two Alans.
205
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,802
I can't have two Alans.
206
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,848
Okay, all right, all right,
all right. Calm down.
207
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,110
I'll-I'll go to the class, okay?
208
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,591
Thank you.
209
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:26,157
Uh, but you're gonna pay
for it, right?
210
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:27,332
Oh, it's starting already.
211
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:28,943
♪ Men.♪
212
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:31,946
Alan, Larry's at spin class.
Where are you?
213
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:34,470
I can't make it. I-I think
I've got food poisoning.
214
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:35,689
Oh, no. What'd you eat?
215
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,647
Well, I had some crappy crepes,
216
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,128
and now I've got
some crepe-y craps.
217
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,391
Oh, that's awful.
218
00:08:42,478 --> 00:08:43,174
I hope you feel better.
219
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,350
Thanks. Me, too.
220
00:08:45,437 --> 00:08:47,091
Tonight I'll be hugging
the toilet,
221
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:49,616
but I'll be thinking of you.
222
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,618
Bye.
223
00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,496
Um, hey, is this bike taken?
224
00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:01,453
Nope, help yourself.
225
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,021
Great. First-timer.
226
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,415
Welcome. I'm Larry.
227
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:10,027
I'm... Jeff.
228
00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:11,463
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
229
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,422
So, you're a newbie, huh?
230
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:15,076
Well, yeah, how
hard can it be?
231
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,904
It's just riding a bike.
[grunts]
232
00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:18,427
Hey.
233
00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,168
I used to have
those same exact shoes.
234
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:23,737
Even had a hole
in the same spot.
235
00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:25,521
[chuckles]
236
00:09:25,608 --> 00:09:27,436
Well, I've got my eye
on the ones you're wearing.
237
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:29,351
♪ Men.♪
238
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,837
[upbeat dance music playing]
239
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,621
Isn't this great?
240
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:41,189
Kill me!
241
00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:42,669
You got this.
242
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,584
The only thing I've got
is a blister
243
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:47,804
in the space
between my balls and my ass.
244
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,066
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit!
245
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:49,676
You can do it!
246
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:50,502
I can't.
247
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,200
Yes, you can!
248
00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:55,029
You can keep it up
for a few more seconds!
249
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,509
[panting]
I'm doing it!
250
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,164
I'm doing it! It's working!
251
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:02,036
I'm a maniac!
252
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,691
I'm a maniac!
253
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,518
Attaboy. Don't go soft on me!
254
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,781
Finish strong!
255
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:09,826
[song ends]
256
00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:13,656
Whew.
257
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,615
I was pedaling
toward the light.
258
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:16,616
It was so beautiful.
259
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,053
My pop-pop was there.
260
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:20,663
He was smoking his pipe.
261
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:23,840
It smelled like cinnamon
and cherries.
262
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,276
Come on. Let's get you
off this bike, Jeff.
263
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:28,236
Who's Jeff?
264
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:29,759
Boy, you really are
out of it.
265
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,326
Come on, we'll get you
some water.
266
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:32,240
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're still clipped in there!
267
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545
Pop-Pop, help!
268
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,809
Don't worry.
I got you. I got you.
269
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,593
Oh. You're so strong.
270
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,291
I feel so safe.
271
00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:41,902
That was so much
harder than I thought.
272
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,077
But you did it.
273
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,948
Uh, well, yeah, thanks to you.
274
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,297
Nice job, Larry.
275
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:48,169
See you Thursday?You know it.
276
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:50,432
I can see why you like
these cycling classes.
277
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:53,348
Wouldn't mind taking her
on a Tour de Pants.[chuckles]
278
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:56,264
That's funny. But I actually
got a girlfriend.
279
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,658
Hey, I've got towels at home.
280
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,964
Doesn't mean I'm not taking
a couple of these with me.
281
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,879
No, Lyndsey's great.
Oh.
282
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,272
I know what it's like to have
a girl you're crazy about.
283
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:07,231
I had a girl
I would have killed for.
284
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,321
You ever kill anybody, Larry?
285
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,367
You're... you're hilarious.
286
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:13,847
Yeah, I-I actually did dabble
287
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,675
in stand-up comedy
back in the '80s.
288
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,895
I-I had this one bit
about Nixon working in a diner.
289
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:19,504
I am not a cook.
290
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,506
[laughs]
291
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:22,377
The '80s?
What, were you, like, five?
292
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,727
[phone ringing]
293
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,120
Wow.
294
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,557
There really is something
about him.
295
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:29,601
Uh, do you need
to answer that?
296
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,821
No, it's just
a work call.
297
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,998
Wait. Does that say...
does that say "Billy Joel"?
298
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:36,783
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I manage musicians,
299
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:37,697
so I'm trying to sign him,
but I'll call him back.
300
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:38,698
I'm talking to you.
301
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,264
But he's a rock star.
302
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,527
Rock stars aren't so impressive
303
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,616
when they've had a bottle
of white, a bottle of red
304
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,053
and they're peeing
in your koi pond.
305
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:48,011
What do you do, Jeff?
306
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,057
Oh, I'm just a-a chiropractor.
307
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:51,798
Just a chiropractor?
308
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:52,973
Your hands heal.
309
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,975
You know what these hands do?
310
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,804
They roll over drummers before
they choke on their own vomit.
311
00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:01,372
I make people fart when
I press down on their backs.
312
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,810
[laughs]
Hey, I'm gonna grab a smoothie.
313
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,246
You want to...?
Oh, I should
probably head...
314
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,987
My treat.
...over to the
smoothie bar
315
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:08,597
with my new friend Larry.
316
00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,860
I swear, I had
that same shirt, too.
317
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:13,558
Looks like we're into a
lot of the same things.
318
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,868
♪ Men.♪
319
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,087
Hey.
320
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:22,045
Whoa! Where were you?
321
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:23,525
Lance Armstrong's gay
Halloween party?
322
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,921
Very funny.
323
00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:29,313
Wait.
324
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,314
Is that a thing?
Did you get invited?
325
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:32,534
No. Where were you?
326
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:35,537
Oh, I was at spin class
with Lyndsey's boyfriend.
327
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:41,543
Should I ask why or just wait
to see it on 48 Hours?
328
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:45,765
I simply wanted to find out
what he's got that I don't.
329
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:50,378
Other than... mental health,
pride and his own underwear?
330
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,989
That's just it.
He does have it all.
331
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:55,209
I can totally see
why Lyndsey loves him.
332
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:56,776
He's-he's kind, he's generous,
333
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:59,169
he's got a smile
that lights up a juice bar.
334
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:01,824
And-and the kicker is,
he likes me.
335
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,654
And did his smile light up
336
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:08,613
when you told him
you were plowing his girlfriend?
337
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:12,226
No. Alanis plowing
his girlfriend.
338
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:14,794
Larry's friend, Jeff,
will be joining him
339
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,405
in his luxury box at
the Laker game tomorrow night.
340
00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:19,537
[laughs]
341
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:20,582
I-I just have to cancel
my plans with Lyndsey.
342
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,367
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
343
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:26,283
You're telling me you would
rather spend the evening
344
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:27,502
in Larry'sbox?
345
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,812
Hey.
Hey. How'd the
acting class go?
346
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,030
It was great.
347
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:35,336
We did this improv exercise
348
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,251
where I had to pretend
to be high.
349
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,556
I nailed it.
350
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:41,342
Oh, uh, you know,
in college, uh,
351
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:42,691
I-I did a little
musical theatre.
352
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,258
And the winner
353
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:47,348
for the least surprising
sentence ever goes to...
354
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,176
Alan Harper!
355
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,265
Scoff if you will, but, uh,
356
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,180
I actually starred in
our production of Cats.
357
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:56,313
And the new winner for least
surprising sentence ever...
358
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,186
Okay, I will have you know
that the campus newspaper said
359
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:00,709
that my portrayal
of Rum Tum Tugger
360
00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,972
was purrfect.
361
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,453
I've never seen Cats.
362
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,063
You've never seen...?
363
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:12,460
♪ The Rum Tum Tugger
is a curious cat. ♪
364
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,418
Well, if you're coming
out of the closet,
365
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,812
come out dancing.
366
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,683
♪ Men.♪
367
00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:21,599
Boy, this really makes you
feel like a man, doesn't it?
368
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:26,735
Basketball, cheerleaders,
a crisp Pinot Noir.
369
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,868
There's beer in the fridge, too.
370
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,261
What? And undo all
that spinning? Oh, no.
371
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,394
A second on the lips,
a month on the hips.
372
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,265
[laughs]
373
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,224
Did you ever do this
gay character in your stand-up?
374
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:41,315
Yeah. It was a real
crowd-pleaser.
375
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:44,187
I, uh... I also do a-a
character who's really cheap.
376
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,929
[laughs]
"Hey, is everything here
free? Even those shrimp?"
377
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,278
Nice.
378
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,802
If I kept going,
I'd say, "Hey, uh,
379
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,935
can I get a to-go container?"
380
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,981
Help yourself, you cheap queer.
381
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,113
[laughs]
382
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,552
Hey, uh, can I get
a to-go container?
383
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,781
[laughs]
384
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:17,612
Hope we don't end up
on the Kiss Cam.
385
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:21,398
I've been told
my kisses are like French fries.
386
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:22,791
Can't stop with just one.
387
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:24,184
[laughs]
388
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,103
LARRY:
Lyndsey, what
a surprise!
389
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:33,062
Lyndsey?
390
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,498
Hey, sweetie.
My plans fell through.
391
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:36,152
Well, now you
can meet Jeff.
392
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,285
Jeff, this is my
girlfriend Lyndsey.
393
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,289
He's always joking
around. Get over here!
394
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:48,425
Hi.
395
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,906
Hi. So, this is the guy
396
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,690
you were telling me about?
397
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,997
Yes, uh, uh, Lyndsey, was it?
398
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:56,825
Uh-huh.
399
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,350
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
400
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,918
This is Jeff.
Jeff Strongman.
401
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:10,795
Strongman?
That's a unique name.
402
00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:12,580
Uh, it's-it's German.
403
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,017
Uh, it's actually pronounced
Strungmin.
404
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,323
[clears throat]
405
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,629
Strungmin?Mmm.
406
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,893
It almost sounds
made up, doesn't it?
407
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,548
Yeah, well, it's not,
so shut up.
408
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:29,989
Sweetie, it-it's cold in here.
409
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,469
I think I left a jacket
in the car. Would you mind?
410
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,341
Of course.
[laughs]
411
00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:37,083
Hey, I can trust you alone
with my girlfriend, right?
412
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:41,522
If you can't, then my name's not
Jeff Strungmin.
413
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,701
[door closes]
414
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,355
What the hell is
going on, Jeff?
415
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,357
Are you trying to
break me and Larry up?
416
00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:52,663
No, I would never
do that to Larry.
417
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:55,275
Then what are
you doing here?
418
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,799
I just... I wanted to figure out
what Larry has that I don't
419
00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,279
so that I could be
more like him,
420
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:00,541
and then you'd come
back to me.
421
00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:02,456
Look, I already
have a Larry.
422
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,546
If you turned into Larry,
I'd have to find another Alan.
423
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,330
Really?
Yes, you idiot!
424
00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:08,897
Don't you get it?
425
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:11,117
No man has ever turned
me on like you do.
426
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:14,511
It's a gift and a curse.
427
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,600
Shut up.
428
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:18,994
I'll stop talking,
but I won't stop...
429
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:21,040
[imitates buzzing]No, stop it.
430
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,258
[imitates buzzing]
431
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,216
I'm still mad at you!
432
00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,652
Well, I don't blame you.
433
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:25,870
I have been very naughty.
434
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,003
Perhaps I should be punished.
435
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:28,917
Let's go.
436
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:30,658
What...? Wait. Where?
437
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,138
We'll do it in
the bathroom.
438
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,574
Seriously?
Oh, yeah.
439
00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:35,097
Beats the hell
out of the Kiss Cam.
440
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,189
♪ Men.♪
441
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:40,798
Hey.
442
00:17:40,885 --> 00:17:42,800
Hey.
443
00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:44,411
How did the acting class go?
444
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,673
I didn't go.
445
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,588
[loudly]:
Liar!
446
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,591
I talked to my friend,
and he said you didn'tgo,
447
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,680
so admit it!
448
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,857
I just did.
449
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:57,554
I know!
450
00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,774
And I wasn't prepared for that.
451
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:03,778
I went to the first class,
but it was lame.
452
00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,781
It doesn't meant that you're not
gonna learn something from it.
453
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,958
Do you think that I just said,
"Oh, I have a software idea
454
00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,829
and I'm gonna sell it for
a billion dollars the next day"?
455
00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:15,790
I Googled you.
That is what happened.
456
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:18,140
The point is, is that,
if-if that hadn't happened,
457
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,490
I would have been willing
to work for it.
458
00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:22,318
Look, I-I get it,
459
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:23,885
but all this touchy-feely stuff
just freaks me out.
460
00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:27,149
Half the reason
I got into acting
461
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,151
was so I could pretend
to be someone else,
462
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,110
not so I could spend time
thinking about
463
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,938
how I don't
get along with my mom.
464
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:34,939
And how I never knew my father.
465
00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:37,333
How I'm 25 years old
466
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:40,641
and living in the guest room
of a stranger's house.
467
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,469
[sighs]
468
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,558
I'm sorry.
469
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,604
I didn't mean
to stir all this up. I just...
470
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:49,780
And that's why
I don't need acting lessons.
471
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,569
You know what?
472
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:57,875
If you don't want
473
00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:02,053
to help yourself,
I can't force you.
474
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,230
But the choices
that you make today
475
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:07,233
are going to affect you
for the rest of your life.
476
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,799
And as long as you live
under my roof...
477
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:11,672
Oh, God, kill me.
478
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:14,544
♪ Men.♪
479
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:15,763
[moaning]
480
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:18,331
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
481
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:19,419
The only thing
I can feel in your pants
482
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:20,985
is the shrimp that you stole.
483
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,857
I'm sorry. I'm-I'm
just nervous.
484
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:23,901
Can you do this or not?
485
00:19:23,988 --> 00:19:26,034
I don't think so.
486
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,862
I mean, what would Larry say?
487
00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,343
LARRY:
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit.
488
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,346
What?
489
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:34,564
I didn't say anything.
490
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,610
LARRY:
You can do it.
491
00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:38,133
Yes, you can.
492
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,787
You know what?
Maybe I can do this.
493
00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:41,789
Really?
494
00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:43,182
LARRY:
Attaboy.
495
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:44,792
Don't go soft on me.
496
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,750
Go, Jeff, go.
497
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:48,709
Oh, Alan.
498
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:49,579
Call me Jeff.
499
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,407
♪ Men.♪
500
00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,545
♪ Men.♪
501
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,723
Guess who got an audition.
502
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:03,724
Really?
503
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,116
Yep.
504
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,596
That's amazing.
Tell me about it.
505
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:09,904
Well, I went back
to the acting class.
506
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:10,774
[chuckles]
507
00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:12,559
Isn't that funny?
508
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:15,692
The thing I suggested you do
509
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,738
that you didn't want to do
510
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:20,784
turned out to be the exact thing
that you should have done.
511
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:23,918
Yeah, well, after about an hour
of that acting crap,
512
00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,354
I had to go get a drink.
513
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,400
So, I bailed
and went to a bar
514
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,140
where I met a casting director.
515
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,319
Turned out she was a lesbian,
so I had a leg up.
516
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,408
And when I put it down,
I had an audition.
517
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,325
♪ Men.♪
518
00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:41,762
Oh.
519
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:45,853
You have got to stop doing that.
520
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:49,596
And you have to stop looking
so pretty when you sleep.
521
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:51,728
Okay, I heard it that
time. It was creepy.
522
00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:54,296
You know what? I don't have
to go anywhere today.
523
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:57,256
Really?Yeah. Larry's got a friend
picking him up at the airport.
524
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,432
Oh, shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
525
00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:01,390
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
526
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,523
and TOYOTA.
527
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,481
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
37146
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