Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey.

What you working on?

Anything interesting?

Yeah, actually.

I'm-I'm building a new algorithm

that weights search results...

I'm gonna get laid.

Congratulations. Which hand are you going to use?

That's, uh... that's funny.

Because, um, you know, if someone were to look

at the two of us,

they'd probably think I'd be the one sitting home

on a Friday night babbling on about some geek nonsense,

and you'd be the one going out to,

you know, get laid.

Who's the "lucky lady"?

Lyndsey is the lucky...

getting "laid-y."

Doesn't it bother you that after she's with you,

she goes home to her more handsome,

successful boyfriend?

Why? I do the same thing.

How did Lyndsey end up with him?

Well, how did Iend up with him?

Hey, Walden.

Hey.

Michaela, Heidi, Sarah, this is Walden.

He's super hot, super rich and super single.

These are my friends, and we are all super high.

Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice house.

[laughing]: I am so wasted.

What are you guys doing tonight?

Oh, we're gonna play poker.

You want to join?

Yeah, come play with us!

It'll be fun.I am so wasted.

You know what, I-I actually have a lot of work to do,

and need to get to bed early, but...

you guys have fun.

[gasps] We should play strip poker.

Yes.

All right, ante up.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪

Hey.

All right, let's get it over with.

Tell me all the disturbing details of how you "got laid."

She never showed.

She couldn't get away from Larry, so I spent half the night

waiting for her in the parking lot of an ampm.

Wow, I'm actually enjoying one of your stories.

Please, continue.

But on the plus side,

at 12:01, all the donuts became half price.

By 12:19, I-I had made friends with the guy

who lives in the men's room, Raul.

Is he looking for a roommate?

You laugh, but he actually turned the changing table

into a Murphy bed.

I'm sorry, but if I remember correctly,

last night, you were pretty sure

that you were going to "get laid."

But, in fact, you didn't "get laid."

Are you done?

Are you done not "getting laid"?

[sighs]

Seriously, why are you doing this?

Because I get to have sex with Lyndsey.

But you didn't have sex.

You ended up shame-eating stale donuts

and talking to a homeless guy in a men's room.

They were not stale, and Raul has a name.

You can't let Lyndsey treat you like this.

You deserve better.

I know. Raul said the same thing.

Well, I had a great night last night.

I ended up playing strip poker

with four incredibly beautiful women.

Oh, yeah, I've been on that site.

No, it was Jenny and her friends.

What a sec, is that the charge on my card

for TexasSqueezeEm.com?

Wait, you played strip poker with my niece?

She was the dealer.

But she did flop a great pair.

Walden, Jenny is family.

If you cross that line,

I am not gonna be your friend anymore.

I mean, I'm still gonna live here,

but I'm not gonna be your friend anymore.

Relax, it was harmless fun.

JENNY: Hey!

Look who's got his clothes on.Uh...

I had clothes on last night.

Yeah, you were wearing a sock.

And not on your foot.

It looked like Santa filled

a stocking at Elton John's house.

"Harmless fun"?

No, she did not see Bennie or the Jets.

Hey, we're gonna hang out again tonight

if you want to join us.Yeah, sure.

Cool. I'll see you at 11:00.

What, 11:00?

What is it, New Year's Eve?

[laughs]

Bring your sock.

You're not really going out with them, are you?

Is this about Jenny? Will you stop it?

I'm not the creepy guy who wants to sleep with your niece.

I'm the creepy guy who wants to sleep

with your niece's friends.

And don't you think that's a little sad?

I mean, a 35-year-old man hanging out with a bunch

of hot young girls who just want to drink, party, get naked...

and anything I say after this point

doesn't really matter, does it?

It doesn't.

I've never had this in my life.

Wh-When I was her age, I'd already dropped out of M.I.T.,

gotten married and started my own business.

I was delivering pizza, going to junior college

and dating a melon.

Oh, God!

I called her my little honeydew.

Walden?

I'm up. Let's party.

Jagerbombs, bottle service.

What's going on? I thought you were going out with the girls.

I am, but not until 11:00.

What is it... 9:00?

How can I be so sleepy?

I've already had two naps and three Red Bulls.

Uh, my brother Charlie had a great trick for staying awake.

Two hookers and an eight ball.

I'll pass.

What's with the bag?

Oh, my God, are you moving in with Raul?

No, Lyndsey felt guilty about last night

and Larry is on a business trip,

so she is treating me to a romantic rendezvous

at a four-star hotel at the beach.

Oh, come on, man.

She's treating you like a piece of meat.

I know, it's great.

Plus, I have already masturbated so I can hit the sweet spot

between "you're done already?" and "enough already."

Enough already.

Don't worry, I'll talk to her.

Okay, well, good luck.

And give Lyndsey my best.

Sure, right after I give her my best.

Boo-ya!

Hi.

Oh, so you did decide to show up tonight.

I know. Sorry I'm late.

It's fine.

You just turned happy hour into miffed hour.

And four-dollar pot stickers into eight-dollar pot stickers.

Well, the important thing is I'm here now,

and you look really nice tonight.

Did you do something different with your hair?

You don't have to flatter me.

You know I'm gonna give it up.

But we do need to talk.

I said I was sorry.

It's not just that; it's everything.

It's the... it's the sneaking around,

it's the curt texts, it's the going Dutch.

Alan, you know this is complicated.

I have a boyfriend.

Yes, and I have feelings.

And I am feeling disrespected.

I hear you, and I will work harder

to make sure that you don't feel taken for granted.

Thank you.

Now, why don't we go up to our room

and respectfully disrespect each other?

Ooh, someone wants a spanking.

I know.

Can it be me this time?

Oh, yeah, we can play naughty school girl

and no-nonsense math teacher.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, 138 divided by two is 69.

No.

It's Stephanie Chapman.

Shh. Maybe she won't see us.

Lyndsey, Alan!

Stephanie, hi.

Oh, wow, uh, l-look at you, you look great.

I should. I got the Lap-Band, and I dropped 172 pounds.

Oh.Good for you.

Hold your applause till the end.

This is the end.

So, what are you two doing here?

Oh, well...There...

Are you guys back together?

No, no, we're just...Did you split up with Larry?

No, Alan and I are just friends and...

Wine, hotel?

[singsongy]: I smell a hookup.

Oh, we are... we are definitely not together.

Wh-What you smell are eight-dollar pot stickers.

So, wh-what brings you here?

Uh, there is a singles' mixer, and this former fatty

is looking for a sugar daddy.

Make sure he's a-a sugar-free daddy.

[giggles]

You are adorable. I could just eat you up.

I don't know, I'd probably just taste like chicken.

Mmm, I'll bring the biscuits and you bring the gravy.

Okay, I'm gonna leave you two "friends" alone.

Hashtag "suspicious."

Great seeing you.

You, too.Oh, take care.

I know you're gonna hate

to see me go, but you're gonna love

watching me walk away.

Oh, God.

She is the most annoying woman on the planet.

Yeah, she is horrible.

You have to go out with her.

Hmm? What?

She totally suspects

we're having an affair.

The only way to convince her we're not a couple

is for you to ask her out.

No.

Forget her stomach.

They should've stapled her mouth shut.

That's exactly the problem.

She'll tell Larry.

Oh-oh, no, no, there-there has to be an easier way.

Can't I just kill her?

It'd be a much smaller grave to dig now.

I'm serious, if you ever want to have sex with me again,

you will ask her out.

Oh, fine, fine, I'll-I'll ask her out.

Now let's go upstairs.

Oh, it's not gonna happen.

She's right over there.

I'm going home.

But-but I thought we were gonna...

Good-bye.

[huffs]

[laughter, clamoring]

Wow, this is a beautiful house!

Who lives here?

You do.

Whoa, I must be rich!

You are.

Oh, yeah!

Whoa, my fingers are glowing!

I'm so rich I have rainbow fingers!

Hey, let's get some music going.

Yeah!Yeah!

Oh!

This is the greatest song I've ever heard!

Walden? Jenny?

It-it's 3:00 in the morning.

I know, and I'm still awake!

And I'm still wasted!

Oh, no, your fingers aren't glowing!

Oh, that's because he's poor.

Oh, I am sorry, Alan.

Whoa!

Your skin is so soft.

Guys, feel Alan's skin. It's so soft.

Whoa!It's so soft.

It's so soft.Okay, okay, okay!

Everybody stop touching me.

Except you.

Hi. I'm Alan.

Alan, I'm high.

What-what is going on?

Oh, Alan, we were at a party,

and we were drinking and smoking,

and then I ate a tiny pill off of someone's nipple.

It was like a nipple Pez dispenser.

Okay, okay, it's time for the party to end,

and everybody to just sleep this off.

Yeah, Alan's right.

We should get naked and go skinny-dipping in the ocean!

Yeah, Sarah's right. Come on.

[women whooping]

Ha-ha! Yes!

He's going skinny-dipping with the hot chicks,

and my girlfriend's banging another dude.

Can you throw me a bone, God?

[thumping nearby]

Oh, I didn't forget about you, Alan.

There's a new melon in the fridge.

[chuckles]

Oh, crap.

♪ Men.♪

Don't be naked, don't be naked.

Damn.

Don't be naked, don't be naked.

Damn.

Damn!

Whoa!

Whoa.

Whoa!

Morning.

We're naked.

Yes, we are.

How did we get here?

The last thing I remember

was asking some chick,

"Can you mix these with alcohol?"

Apparently the answer is no.

Okay, 'cause the... 'cause the last thing I remember

is you looking in a mirror saying,

"Can we mix these with alcohol?"

[laughs] Don't worry.

Nothing could've happened.

I'm gay.

Ah, that's right.

You're gay. [laughs]

Wait.

How gay?

Like, one being, "Yay, it's college!"

Or ten being, "I'm going Subaru shopping

with Ellen and Rosie."

I'm closer to a nine.

I mean, I make my own soap,

but I don't sell it at the Lilith Fair.

Oh, great, great.

I mean, granted you're prettier

than a lot of the women I've dated,

ut you have an outie and I'm into innies.

Okay, okay, so we didn't have sex.

That is a load off.

Uh, that's a poor choice of words.

Although sometimes I date an innie

who has an outtie in her purse.

What is that supposed to mean?

I don't know, I'm just saying it's possible.

Oh, God, if Alan finds out, he's gonna freak out.

He won't move out, but he will freak out.

Okay, settle down.

We don't even know if there's anything to freak out about.

[stammers] Hello.

Hello. Stop that!

We got to figure out what to do.

Okay, what we're gonna do

is never talk about this again.

So, you're just saying deny

that we ever woke up in bed naked together?

I have a motto for situations like this.

What happens in Jenny,

stays in Jenny.

So, I was really surprised you called me.

Well, I-I couldn't get your voice out of my head.

You're not the first one to say that.

There it goes again.

No, I was surprised because I was vibing there was

definitely something going on between you and Lyndsey.

No, we're-we're just friends.

And-and barely that.

She's a drunk, you know?

Oh, believe me, I know.

You should hear wine bottles in her trash bins

on Friday morning.Mm-hmm.

I mean, clank, clank, drunken skank!

Yeah, she's a whore, too.

I don't know why she ever let you go.

You are quite the catch.

Uh, I know I present that way,

but I'm more catch and release.

Well, I am not releasing.

[high-pitched whoosh]

[clicks tongue]

[laughs]

You are so cute.

Thank you. Uh, you're not eating your food.

Do you not like Souplantation?

No, I love it, but since the surgery,

I can't eat a portion larger than my fist.

But don't worry.

That only applies to food.

How are you still single?

Hey.

Hey.

So, listen.

Uh, about that thing that didn't happen...

I have a way to figure out if it happened.

I'm not peeing on any sticks.

No.

There is a camera in my room.

[sighs]

And that's why I don't sleep with guys.

It was your dad's.

And that's why I drink.

So we could watch the video back

and know for sure.

Or...

we could erase it

and continue to deny that anything ever happened.

Play it.

Ah, damn it.

I was sure you were gonna say erase it.

No, I want to watch it.

It'll be like a quarterback watching game film.

Only the quarterback's a lesbian.

And the game's boning a dude.

Exactly.

Okay.

Here we go.

[sighs]

Wait! Erase it?

No, I want to make popcorn.

So both of my ex-husbands turned out to be gay.

But the weird thing is... is after I divorced them,

they both turned straight again.

What are the odds?

Uh, well, this has been great.

Whoa, somebody's fresh.

[laughs]

Come on in.

I would love to take you up on that,

but, you know, it's, uh....

6:45...

and, uh, I have got to go home

and, uh, hit the hay.

Oh, I have hay here.

And I will definitely let you "hit it."

That is tempting.

Uh, and I am definitely gonna have to come

to terms with that while I'm in the monastery.

All right, I get it.

You're making excuses

because you're still in love with Lyndsey.

God, no, we're-we're just friends.

Yeah, and I didn't just fart in your car.

It's fine, okay? I get it.

I just feel bad for her boyfriend.

[groans] Wait!

Uh, if-if I was still in love with Lyndsey,

would I do this?

Wow.

Do that again, but keep your eyes open and say my name.

[muffled]: Stephanie?

[both grunt]

Are you sure about this?

Because once we see it, we can't un-see it.

Yeah, worst-case scenario, it's a video

of two hot people having sex.

Well, I'm just gonna say...

if I had sex with one Harper in this house,

thank God it was you.

[groans] Okay.

Oh, this is not a good start.

♪ Bow chicka bow wow. ♪

Will you stop that?

Oh, having sex with a guy in my dad's bed.

Paging Dr. Freud, huh?

You know what? Let's just go back to denial.

No, wait, wait!

Wait, that is not me.

I don't have a Fred Flintstone tattoo.

Well, if that's not you, then who is she?

You're the one yabba-dabba-doin' her.

I don't know who that is.

God, I love living at the beach.

Mmm.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

That's Heidi!

You banged Heidi.Really?

Yes! Good going.

[grunts]

[laughs]

So, how did I end up in your bed?

I don't... Uh, wait.

Is that you?

Yeah.Well, who are you with?

Oops, I turned Sarah.

[laughs]

Nice! [laughs]

Wh-Whoa, who are those people?

[grunts]

Do you remember the bonfire on the beach?

Yeah, the Italian exchange students!

"I no have-ah the bus fare-ah."

They no have-ah no pants-ah!

Oh, wow!Did we invite them back to the house?

I guess so-- I mean, that is a big pile of naked.

Oh... oh, man.

Now Heidi's with the guy that looks like James Franco.

[laughs]

Wait, that is James Franco!

That guy is in everything!

Wait a second, who am I with now?

Oh, now you're with Sarah.

[laughs]

Turned her back-- wah!

Oh...

that is some Game of Thronesstuff there.

Yeah, but we didn't, uh...?

No, I guess not.

Oh, well, maybe.

That is my ass.

No, that's my ass.

Oh.

Is that your arm?

Uh, no, that is my...

BERTA: What are you doing?

Nothing.

Hanging out.

Okay. So, listen.

Are we all gonna talk about the orgy we had last night?

What?

Y-You were there?

Hell, yeah.

I banged James Franco.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

I'm so glad you were able to get away.

I owe you one for going out with Stephanie.

The only way I got through it...

Mm-hmm.was by thinking of you.

Through what?

You know, Stephanie.

I took one for the team.

Rather I, uh, gave one for the team.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

You had sex with her?

Yeah, the second time was not easy.

Oh, my God!

What? Wasn't I supposed to?

No, you were supposed to take her out,

go to a movie or something.

Oh, I don't think I could've sat

through a movie with her.

You are unbelievable. I'm out of here.

B-But I thought we were gonna...

Oh, no. God, no.

But... but...

but you have a boyfriend!

[sighs]

Hello, uh, Stephanie?

Yeah, it-it's Alan.

Uh, turns out, uh, the doctor read my MRI wrong.

I will be free tonight.♪ Men.♪

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org