Original subtitles

We are now about to land

in the world-famous city of Los Angeles.

Its name, translated from the ancient Spanish,

means "city of the angels."

It is also the home

of the American motion-picture industry.

"The city is of night,"

"perchance of death."

20,000 people arrive here to settle every week.

"They leave all hope behind who enter here."

"Once certitude while saying they cannot leave,"

"one anodyne for torture and despair..."

"The certitude of death."

There, there. I'll get it, then.

Would you look after my little girl, please?

Just for a moment.

But, uh...

Uh, madam?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

That's all right. That's all right.

That's all right. Mum will be right back.

Mum will be right back. Mum will be right back.

Kindly fasten your seat belts

and refrain from smoking, please.

Here. sit. Sit down.

♪ O beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For Amber waves of grain ♪

♪ For purple mountains majesties ♪

♪ Above the fruited plain ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪

♪ And crown thy good ♪

♪ With brotherhood ♪

♪ From sea to shining sea ♪

♪ O beautiful ♪

♪ For patriot dream ♪

♪ That sees beyond the years ♪

♪ Thine alabaster cities gleam ♪

♪ Undimmed by human tears ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪

♪ And crown thy good ♪

♪ With brotherhood ♪

♪ From sea to shining sea ♪

Welcome back to the USA, sir.

Right through that door there.

Thank you.

Your passport, please.

Oh.

Whew!

"Dennis Barlow. Profession..."

A.I.D., huh?

Yes. artificial insemination donor.

It's just a job I had for a while.

Actually, I'm a poet.

Poet? an English poet?

Well, yes, I am English.

One of them beatnik poets, huh?

A beatnik? No. No, I'm not a beatnik.

You got one of them Beatle haircuts, though, haven't you?

A Beatle haircut? No, I don't...

It's an ordinary... English haircut.

Just what do you do for a living, Mr. Barton?

Uh, Barlow, sir.

I haven't decided on anything, uh, specifically.

Haven't decided? Just how did you get to this country, then?

Well, that's rather an amusing story.

You see, what happened... I was...

I was seeing my girlfriend off

at the London airport,

and they said that I was

the 5 millionth person to see...

No, wait. It was the 10 millionth person

to see someone off on a plane, and they, uh...

Well, they gave me this ticket,

so I thought I'd come here.

I mean, it was either Los Angeles or Calcutta,

and I thought, well, what the hell?

Just how long do you plan to stay in our country, Mr. Burton?

Uh, Barlow. That depends.

Depends? depends on what?

Well, I'll be staying with, uh, Sir Francis Hinsley,

the artist. He's my uncle.

Megalopolitan Pictures. That's where he works.

Now, D.J. Jr., we want to get a piece

of this James Bond audience, hmm?

Right.

And we're going to give them that package,

but with a brand-new ribbon on it.

We give him the one thing that Jim bond don't have...

Human warmth.

Whew!

Are you still with me, D.J. Jr., huh?

Now, he's, uh, still English,

he's still aristocratic,

but he's got human warmth.

Hmm? he's, um... He's a human James Bond.

Whew!

Do you think you can handle

that English accent, Dusty?

Aw, shucks, I reckon I could

if I just sort of snuck up on it.

Well, I think Frank here could straighten him out on the accent bit.

Is that right, Frank? You think you can?

Uh... uh, yes, I daresay I could.

I..

Yes, I think I can.

You're sure you think

you're sure you can, right?

Yes, I think I can.

Yeah. what do you say, dust?

You think you'll feel at home with this?

You feel it's right for you?

You just turn him loose, D.J. Jr., and I'll try to ride him.

OK. Harry? Look, this is your baby.

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Hold it, fellas.

Who?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, uh, just a minute.

Frank...

It's for you.

For me? How very embarrassing.

I can't imagine who.

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Who? Barlow?

Who?

You... you mean, you're Emily's boy?

Good heavens, what on earth are you doing out here?

Oh! very well. I'll be down in a few moments.

I suppose I can get away from here.

Yes. see you in a moment. Good-bye.

You'll excuse me, won't you, gentlemen?

I seem to have inherited an nephew.

Yeah. go ahead, Frank. Go right ahead.

So long, Harry.

As I was saying, my dear Dennis,

mine was only a gradual decline.

Most of my fellow relics have been discarded years ago.

I think I'll just have my usual...

A deep-dish Lolita

and iced tea with a sprig of mint, please.

I'll have breast of squab brigitte...

And the Goldwater nut flip.

Actually, I never quite knew why

they ever gave me a knighthood.

I suppose it may have been

because I always painted such important people.

But here there are only the dregs of the dregs,

so to speak.

Hello, Frank, baby.

Oh, hello, Harry. This is my nephew...

Pleasure to meet you, kid.

Oh.

You just take it easy, you hear?

That wasn't the dusty acres, was it?

It was, indeed,

about to undergo a major operation on his image.

So, to continue, the climate here suits me admirably,

and the people here are so kind and generous.

They talk entirely for their own pleasure,

and they never expect you to listen.

Just remember that, dear boy.

It's the secret of social ease in this country.

By the way, where are you proposing to live

while you're out here?

Well, I... I hadn't quite decided.

Why not come and stay with me, then?

Thank you, Uncle Francis.

That's very kind of you.

If you don't mind taking potluck, of course.

Oh, that reminds me, there's a dinner tonight at the English club.

Not grand, of course, but they might give us a fairly decent meal,

and it'll be a good opportunity for you to meet some of the chaps.

Ah, there's Sir Ambrose Abercrombie,

one of our most ardent thespians.

You've probably seen him, Dennis.

He usually plays prime ministers...

Or butlers.

Ambrose.

My dear Francis, how good to see you.

The trouble with this place

is one is so confoundedly busy, you know, one loses touch.

You'd better pick up her ladyship

and come back for me at 11:00 sharp.

Oh, Ambrose, I'd like to introduce to you, my nephew, Dennis Barlow.

Sir Ambrose Abercrombie.

A stalwart young fellow

occasionally touched by the muse,

I'm given to understand.

Gentlemen, the queen.

The queen! The queen!

The queen! God bless her.

Well, here we are, gathered together again, gentlemen.

I must say, I look forward to these dinners.

Keeps us limeys together.

Ha ha! Yes! Rather!

As I was just saying to our young friend here,

we have to put up a good show.

Hear, hear! Hear, hear!

There are not many of us, but we're being watched.

That's why I've always made it a rule

never to do anything in my own home

that I wouldn't do in front of the camera

and never to do anything in front of the camera

that I wouldn't do in my own home.

Hear, hear! Hear, hear!

Francis...

I think your nephew is in need of air.

Oh, how very embarrassing.

Um, Dennis?

Come along, Dennis. Come along.

Upsy-daisy.

Uh! that's it.

I'm afraid it's the heat, you know,

and this place is rather close,

and the change of temperature and climate

and so on.

Come along, Dennis. Home to bed.

Come along.

Ah, my dear Dennis, good morning.

I do hope you slept well.

Good morning, Uncle Francis.

I'm sorry about last night.

Oh, don't give it another thought, dear boy.

I expect you were a bit overtired.

These newfangled jets, abrupt transition...

I'm certain one loses all sense of time and proportion,

not like the dear old days on the Queen Mary.

What would you fancy for breakfast?

Eggs?

That'll be fine.

Dear me, there don't seem to be any eggs.

How stupid of me.

Perhaps we could make do with these bran shreddies.

Ah, that's a sketch I made for the orgy scene

in The sins of Solomon. Thank you, Dennis.

The studio was simply scandalized by it,

but the public lapped it up.

Those were the days, you know. I only had to ask for something,

and they went straight out and bought it.

If I said, "real gold," real gold it had to be.

Such a lovely morning, Dennis.

I think we ought to have breakfast down by the pool, don't you?

Let me carry something for you.

I wish you could have seen this place in the old days,

like a great aquarium,

flashing with the limbs of beauties.

All, alas, long since departed.

"Golden lads and girls"

"all must, as chimney sweepers, come to dust."

Have you any definite plans for the future, dear boy?

I think you ought to get out a bit and see something of the country.

Well, first off, I thought I might look around

for a job of some sort.

A job? Oh, you're short of cash, then?

I am, rather.

There is one thing that every Englishman

who comes out here must understand.

Whether he likes it or not, he is an ambassador.

We are all of us judged by his performance.

I hope you're not going to be the one who lets the side down.

I'll try not to, sir.

I'm sure you'll find that Dennis is with us

all along the line, Ambrose.

I hope so.

What is your field, exactly?

Well, actually, I haven't quite settled

on anything as yet.

Really? Alan.

Thought I'd, uh, shop around a bit,

see what's going.

There is one thing I would say to you, sir.

There are certain jobs out here

which an Englishman simply does not take.

Hey, kid, over here. Bring it here.

That's right. Thank you.

Hey! get those towels up here!

Hurry up, now!

Hey, pal...

Where's the switch to this thing?

Pal, get the towels here, you slowpoke.

Hey, get those towels over here!

Thanks.

Turn up the heat, old chap.

Where are the towels?

So I told her majesty, I said, "ma'am,"

I said, "you've done us a very great honour."

"Not at all," she said. "Not at all, Sir Ambrose."

"I enjoyed the picture."

Of course, Edinburgh was with her, you know.

She takes him along everywhere these days. I don't know why.

Well, he is her husband, you know.

Yes, I suppose that would account for it.

So I said, "ma'am, I..."

do you know, I believe this damn thing's on fire.

Oh? and what did she say?

No, no! Would you listen?

Oh! hey! Oh!

Help! help! Let me out of here!

Boy! boy!

Barlow!

Help! Barlow! You'll stretch for this, Barlow!

How's, uh, dust here coming along with the English bit, Frank?

I think it's coming along. Don't you, Dusty?

Well, I sure hope I am.

Damn if I don't.

Won't you take my seat?

Frank, I've got an idea.

Now, you're an artist, right? Right.

Supposing we get Dusty here

all dolled up English-style.

Then you paint his picture in it.

I see the idea, Harry. A sort of, uh...

Character portrait of an English gentleman, that sort of thing.

Uncle Frank! Uncle Frank!

Oh, Dennis! Do come and look at this.

Though I say it myself, I'm delighted with it.

I haven't been so excited about anything for years.

I believe it's the beginning

of a new period for me... My best.

Do try and sit on that horse properly, Dusty.

Sorry, Frank.

Don't be ashamed of displaying a certain arrogance.

It's perfectly hopeless, you know.

He simply hasn't got it in his blood.

Wait till the studio sees this, Dennis.

Are you going off somewhere, my boy?

Oh, uh, just for 3 or 4 days.

That's what I came to tell you about.

What, a kind of holiday, is it?

Oh, it's just another job.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The skies above are clear again ♪

♪ Let us sing a song of cheer again ♪

Wait for me!

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

Come back!

I don't like the look of this.

Yes. It may get a bit dikey,

Dicey. Dicey

if he decides to use the giant squid.

What do you think we ought to do?

Do you remember that gal?

You think she'll do it?

Maybe not, but I've always said...

It's better to bag a bird

than go for a Burton.

Yeah...

I think we're on top of it now.

And you, dust... you are looking good in there.

Hello?

It's your father.

Yes, D.J.

Oh, no, no, D.J. No sweat.

Yeah, that's right, D.J.

Yeah. what's that, D.J.?

Huh?

Yeah, well, what about...

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. well, n-no, D.J. You see, I thought that...

Yeah, D.J. I... I read you, D.J.

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, D.J. Um...

I... I'll talk to you later, D.J.

Um, fellas, I hate to break this up,

but I got to make a meet in 10 minutes.

See you later.

You were beautiful there, baby, beautiful.

It was fine, Dusty.

Just wonderful. See you later.

Harry.

D.J. didn't buy it, huh?

Frank let you down, Harry.

He didn't bring him along fast enough.

Well, you've got to get something on the boards by Monday, right?

That's right, Harry.

Well, now, hold it, hold it. I think I've got a live one here.

Doctors. Doctors are hot, right?

OK. so, how about a panel quiz show called What's my disease?

The contestant is wheeled-in in a kind of shrouded cage.

And then, uh, there's, uh...

Hold it, Harry. Hold it.

You just don't get the message, baby.

You just don't get the message.

I mean, it's cutback time, Harry. You know what I mean?

Wh-what do you mean?

Hello? let me talk to the Blessed Reverend. This is his brother.

What?

Yes, yes, I know that, but this is urgent.

Look, I don't care where he is. I've got talk with him.

Will you please put him on?

Yes, I'll wait.

You'll just have to be patient.

All right.

Hello? yes?

It's your brother, sir.

Will? Will?

I'm all washed up here at the studio. Listen, you've got to help me.

Please, please,

just give me one more chance.

I won't let you down this time, I promise you.

Perhaps there is something, uh, after all

suitable to your particular talents.

One last chance, Harry.

Oh, that... That's great, Will.

I'll take anything, anything you say.

Wait a minute, Will. I couldn't do that.

Not that.

Take it, Harry, or leave it.

I'll take it, I'll take it.

And remember this, Harry...

One word about my connection with that place,

and you'll wish you were dead.

Oh, I'm so sorry. How stupid of me.

Never done such a thing before.

Miss Benson.

Hi.

Oh, D.J. Jr.

Oh, Frank!

Well, how nice of you to stop by.

You know, I appreciate that. I really do.

Come on. Won't you come in?

D.J. Jr., I want you to see this painting. I've just finished it.

I'm really rather pleased with it.

I do want to see that sometime, Frank. I want very much to see that.

Go right ahead in.

I believe it may be the threshold of a new period for me.

Yeah, I'm very anxious to see that, Frank. Uh...

D.J. Jr., there's something else I wanted to ask you.

It's a bit odd. I went into my office this morning,

and there was some chap there

and a piece of paper pinned on the door

with a name something like, uh, Lorenzo Medici.

Oh, yeah, Frank. Yeah, that's right.

Only look, Frank, baby, um, he says it Me-dissi, like that.

No, and how you say it kind of sounds like a wop,

and Mr. Medici is D.J.'s son-in-law and my brother-in-law,

and he's a very, very wonderful person

with a very fine record.

Oh, I've no doubt of that, D.J. Jr.,

but the point is, where do I work now?

Now, that's a thing I do want to talk to you about, Frank,

only, as you can see, I just don't have the time right now.

Yeah. ciao, baby.

Uh, Mickey, uh...

Take care of him, will you?

Am I to understand that I've been...

That the studio no longer...

You'll get formal notification

in a couple of days, I expect.

You know how these things get hung up.

However, I do have your final check for you right here.

Oh, it just needs one other signature.

Well, I'll get it out to you just as soon as possible.

Thank you.

One of the girls was telling me

you've been here just ever so long.

31 years.

31 years. You were here before I was born.

I hope I don't stay here that long.

Oh, I feel sure that you're destined

for a far happier fate than that, my dear.

Good-bye, and thank you.

Excuse me. That isn't studio property, is it?

No, my dear, it is not.

Uncle Frank?

Uncle Frank?

Bad form, gentlemen. Bad form.

If only Sir Francis had chosen a less sordid...

All those pictures in the press.

That dreadful pool with those cracks in it.

Well, let's get on with it.

I'm afraid that Sir Francis' Estate is practically nil.

No, well, that's neither here nor there.

What is of Paramount importance

is that Sir Francis should be given a funeral

appropriate to his station

and one that will reflect credit

on the British community as a whole.

Hear, hear. Quite, quite.

The sale of this cottage will be sufficient to defray the cost.

Well, now, Barlow, we've had this document drawn up.

Your signature is necessary.

Just put your name at the bottom of the page.

That's right. Well, now, I propose

that young Barlow here shall - initial that, will you? -

shall make the arrangements.

I think there's no doubt that the proper place

for Sir Francis

is Whispering Glades.

And now we come to something really marvelous,

a real high point of the tour, it seems to me.

Every time I reach this point, I get...

Well, I don't know. I get all choked up.

Here it is... The great statue

of the Blessed Reverend, Wilbur Glenworthy.

This world-famous statue was executed

by the internationally known artist

and sculptress Tina tube

and is available in handsome reproductions

at the gift shop near the west gate.

They're really quite marvelous,

those little reproductions.

Now, look at the book

containing the creed of the Blessed Reverend.

This book is carved of the finest Carrara marble.

The letters on the pages...

They're 18-carat gold,

and they're worth at least $30 apiece.

And now I want you to hear something.

I want you to hear the Blessed Reverend himself

speak the words of the creed.

This is the actual voice of the Blessed Reverend himself.

I did awake,

and a dream came unto me.

And, lo, I beheld a life of eternal happiness...

Excuse me, sir!

A life where shadows...

Sir, where could I find information about the, uh...

radiant beams of sunshine and joy.

Burials?

Prices on inquiry

at the administration office.

Drive on up the road.

Silver laughter of little children.

Where grief became gladness,

where sorrow became the mewing of tiny kittens

and splash of precious duck babies at play.

And a voice came unto me...

This way.

And said, "go forth and realize your dream."

And so did I obey...

And build for all eternity this Whispering Glades.

Stranger, enter these gates and be happy.

May I help you, sir?

Uh, yes. Uh, I came to arrange about a funeral.

Is the funeral for yourself?

I beg your pardon?

Uh, no.

I thought you might have come for pre-need counseling.

Many of our friends like to plan ahead.

Was your loved one a relative?

Uh, yes. Uh, he was my uncle.

In that case, he must have been Caucasian.

Certainly not, no. He was English.

Oh, that's all right. English is Caucasian.

We prefer that word at Whispering Glades.

It's much less offensive than "white."

Oh. well, uh, I can assure you that he was, uh...

He was quite white.

The Blessed Reverend has to consider the feelings of the waiting ones.

In time of trial, they prefer to be with their own people.

May I ask, what was your loved one's name?

Uh, Sir Francis Hinsley.

Why, of course. Sir Ambrose Abercrombie called this morning

and said someone would be coming.

We all have the greatest respect for Sir Ambrose.

In fact, we hope that one day, he may decide to join us.

Huh?

Would you wait here a moment, please?

I'm afraid you don't quite understand.

What's all this about anyway?

Is there something wrong with my money?

That's not the question, Mr. Bernstein.

Please, don't take this personally.

I'm sure there are many high-class establishments

in this city

which would be delighted to help you.

Forest Lawn, for example.

You can get their address at the information desk.

So sorry.

Come, Clara.

Mr. Barlow? This is our cosmetician

from the Gothic slumber room.

She'll take good care of you.

Will you follow me, please?

What did you have in mind?

Inhumement, entombment, inurnment, immurement?

Some people just lately have preferred insarcophagusment.

It's very individual.

Well, I think we'd better just have him buried.

This way, please.

Right this way.

Please be seated.

Very restful.

What did your loved one pass on from?

He hanged himself.

Was the face much disfigured?

Hideously.

That's quite usual.

Now, was there anything

especially characteristic of your loved one?

Let me think. Uh...

Did he smoke a pipe, perhaps?

Some people prefer that their loved ones

have a pipe in their mouths...

I mean, of course, if they smoked one during life.

Well...

Then there was a lady who made her leave-taking, holding a telephone.

He did, uh...

Carry an umbrella at times,

but I... I don't suppose...

Well, if it were closed.

Tell me...

Do you enjoy this kind of work?

I regard it as a very, very great privilege, Mr. Barlow.

Now I think we'd better go and look at the caskets.

A Mr. Starker will counsel you

as to your loved one's additional needs.

Counsel Starker?

This is Mr. Barlow.

Mr. Barlow.

How do you do?

Mr. Barlow's loved one

is Sir Francis Hinsley.

Yes, of course. I'm certain we can accommodate Sir Francis

in an appropriate manner.

Had you any special requirements in mind, Mr. Barlow?

Ahem. well, I, uh, haven't thought much about it, actually.

You see, well, it, uh, all happened quite suddenly, you see.

Yes, of course. This way.

Now, these are lead-coated steel.

Medium price range.

The silent night special.

And very special it is, too, if I may say so.

Waterproof, of course.

Uh, waterproof?

All our units are waterproof.

This offers maximum protection

for a unit in the middle price range.

Now, here is your handsome rest king in 7-Gauge steel

with a choice of finish in 8 color combinations.

This unit is guaranteed to give maximum protection.

It's moisture-proof, Mr. Barlow.

And here are your bronzes.

They are dampness-proof.

Dampness-proof?

Not merely waterproof nor moisture-proof, Mr. Barlow,

but dampness-proof.

Now, then, in addition, your emperor model

features not a rayon or crepe interior,

but an all-silk interior.

Tell me, Mr. Barlow,

was your uncle a sensitive person?

Yes, I... I suppose he was.

Rayon chafes, you know.

Personally, I find it really quite abrasive.

Well, then I think that I'll take

the, uh, emperor... Emperor model.

Wonderful, Mr. Barlow. Wonderful.

Now, then, Mr. Barlow,

have you given any thought to exterior designations?

I can give you our eternal flame

in either perpetual eternal or standard eternal.

Ah. well, what is the difference, actually?

Well, with standard eternal,

your flame burns only during visiting hours.

It is shut down at night.

With your perpetual eternal,

your flame is in service 24 hours a day.

Well, I think the, um...

Perpetual eternal. Wouldn't you?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Propane or butane, Mr. Barlow?

Hmm? what?

Propane burns bluer.

Oh, well, uh, and nicer, I think.

Don't you? Huh?

Definitely. Oh.

Marvelous.

Simply marvelous, Mr. Barlow.

Now we'll just along into fittings.

This is the prince Albert,

one of our most popular slumber room ensembles.

It's really quite lovely.

It's split at the seams, you see.

Avoids having to force the arms and legs.

Very clever, isn't it?

Oh, yes, it is.

The idea originated in vaudeville

with the quick-change artiste.

Yes, I see. Well, as a matter of fact,

I think he might be best in something of his own.

Of course, if you feel that would be appropriate.

Would you sit down, please?

Now, then, Mr. Barlow, the shoes.

Designed to fit the foot at rest.

The foot curls a bit, you know, when rigor mortis sets in.

I see.

Very smart, aren't they?

Yes, quite smart.

Now, then...

A mourning outfit for yourself.

Pardon?

Rough cut, I believe.

Well, I think, uh, a plain dark suit...

That is, if you have one.

Naturally, Mr. Barlow.

Without the open seams, I hope.

You'll be the death of me yet, Mr. Barlow.

And now we'll see some of our slumber rooms.

I know all about that.

The car loadings on freestone fruit

have fallen down below any level that I will accept!

Well, I don't care if you have to put on more...

Mr. Keeler's in peach preserves.

Of course, he's very upset about his wife,

but his business is so heavy right now

that he just can't afford to neglect it for a moment.

I guess it's seasonal.

And now we have a nightshade room...

With our new solarium for sun-worshippers.

Now, if you'll follow me, please,

I'll show you around the grounds.

Let me explain the dream to you.

This entire place is a dream.

If the Blessed Reverend had not dreamed it,

it would not exist.

"This building, like all others in Whispering Glades,"

"is built of cast iron and reinforced concrete."

"It is certified protection against fire, earthquake, and nuclear fission."

The Blessed Reverend always builds for eternity.

The park is zoned.

Each zone has its own name and its own work of art.

And here are the cloisters of harrow.

The cloisters of harrow?

Yes, for loved ones of great learning.

Oh, I see. They were all great scholars.

Yes. this is the entire missionary staff

of the St. Francis Theological Seminary of Burbank.

All massacred.

All of them?

Yes, in different parts of the world, over the years

by the regional savages there.

This is Barchester Terrace

for loved ones of the financial professions.

Of the financial professions?

Yes, bankers, manufacturers, and other loved ones with large backing.

We have double plots here

in the Damon and Pythias section for loved ones who were very close.

Then over here, we have lover's nest

with Rodin's famous statue The Kiss,

25% larger than a life-size replica would be.

Ah, unrestrained passion.

And here we have the falls of Xanadu.

The Falls of Xanadu?

Funny that Coleridge never mentioned them.

I beg your pardon?

Coleridge, the man who wrote the poem.

I never heard there was a poem.

All the names in Whispering Glades

were created by the Blessed Reverend.

Uh, what are those things?

The bottom of the lagoon is known as Neptune's cradle.

Those loved ones were completely dedicated to the sea.

They're long-distance swimmers, 4th of July boating enthusiasts,

admirals, surfers, water-skiers, all sorts.

Several plots are available here

in the shadow of the prominent Greek poet Homer.

Yes. I think Uncle Francis would like that.

Homer used very visual imagery.

Oh, that's fine.

Shall we put him down for Poets' Corner, Mr. Barlow?

Yes, let's.

When shall I see you again?

Oh, the day after tomorrow.

You'd better come a little early, before the leave-taking

to see that everything is as you wish.

Whom shall I ask for?

Just for the cosmetician of the Gothic Slumber room.

No name?

No name is necessary.

That hardly seems fair.

I mean, you have mine.

Mr. Barlow, the rules here were made by the Blessed Reverend,

and we follow them gladly.

You see...

Whispering glades is a way of life.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning,

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

Good morning, good morning.

Good morning, Mr...

Good morning, Miss Thanatogenos.

Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

Here is the strangulated loved one

for the Gothic slumber room.

Was he a difficult case, Mr. Joyboy?

No. just a wee bit,

but I think he came out just dandy.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Yes.

There.

He came up nicely, so...

Supple.

Well, I'd better begin.

I don't know what it is. I don't know how to explain it,

you see, but it seems when I know I'm working for you,

then something in me

says, "he's on his way to Miss Thanatogenos,"

and then my fingers just take control.

Haven't you noticed that?

Well...

I did say only last week

that all the loved ones that come from Mr. Joyboy

have the most beautiful smiles.

It's all for you, Miss Thanatogenos.

Mr. Joyboy. Mr. Joyboy.

Yes. what is it?

2 more loved ones just came in. Who are they for?

Mr. Fogel's free.

One of them is an infant.

Oh. is it mother and child?

No. no relation.

Well, then Mr. Fogel will take the adult,

and I'll do the baby.

You do love children, don't you, Mr. Joyboy?

Well...

Off to baby.

Is it what you'd hoped, Mr. Barlow?

Hmm? oh.

More.

Is, uh... Is he quite, uh...

Hard?

Firm.

Hmm. may I... May I touch him?

Please do not. It leaves a Mark.

Come this way, gentlemen.

Excuse me.

Ah, Barlow.

Yes.

What was it...

My old friend Sir James Barrie used to say?

"To die..."

"Will be a very great adventure."

Thank you.

Barlow, didn't old Frank say you did a bit of ballad-mongering?

Well, um...

Why don't you write me something to recite at the funeral?

Keep it short and direct, will you?

Well, I'll certainly try, Sir Ambrose.

And make it legible. I don't want to have to wear my goggles.

Yes.

Do you know, I don't think I've ever seen old Frank

looking better.

"Bury the great knight..."

"With the studio's... Valediction."

"Let us bury the great knight..."

Ohh.

Valediction.

Valediction, restriction, friction...

Constriction.

"They told me, Francis Hinsley..."

"They told me you were hung..."

"With red protruding eyeballs..."

"And black protruding tongue."

"I wept as I remembered..."

"How often you and I had..."

"Ha ha ha!"

"Had laughed..."

"About Los Angeles..."

"And now, 'tis here..."

"You'll lie."

"Here..."

"Pickled in formaldehyde and, uh..."

"Painted like a whore..."

"Shrimp pink, incorruptible,"

"not lost..."

"But gone, before."

Hello!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to frighten you.

I'm afraid my memory's very bad for live faces.

Tell me something, uh...

Do you come here often?

Yes, I do. I come here almost every day

to have my lunch.

Tell me, what do you think about

when you're out here all by yourself?

Oh, just...

Death and aught.

Ah, "Half in love with easeful death"!

What did you say?

It's a poem.

A poem?

Are you a poet?

"For many a time I've been half in love"

"with easeful death,"

"call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,"

"to take into the air my quiet breath,"

"now more than ever"

"seems it rich to die,"

"to cease upon the midnight"

"with no pain."

Did you write that?

Did you like it?

Oh, yes.

It's beautiful.

Did you write it since you came here to Whispering Glades?

No, no, no. It was written a long time ago.

Well, it couldn't have been lovelier if you'd written it right here.

It must be a wonderful, inspiring thing

to be a poet.

You have a rather poetic occupation yourself.

Yes. yes, I know I have.

Are some of the loved ones

better to work on than, uh, others?

Oh, yes.

When a person has soul, it makes all the difference.

When there's soul, there's something to inspire you...

tell me something,

would it inspire you

to work on a loved one who was like me?

You'd be difficult.

You're the wrong age for soul.

It comes more naturally in the very young or the very old.

But I'd certainly be inspired.

It would be marvelous to work on a poet.

"Now more than ever"

"seems it rich to die."

I'd love to read your poem sometime.

I'll send it to you.

That is, if you'll tell me your name and address.

My name is Aimee.

Ah, what a pretty name. Is it French?

Oh, no. It's after Aimee McPherson.

Well, I have to be going.

Wait. uh, where shall I send the poem?

Oh, just send it here to Whispering Glades.

This is my true home.

We're running late, Joe. You better goose him up.

Right.

Above the love of the flesh,

dear brethren,

there is a higher love,

a purer love, a Fuller love,

a love which can only be described as...

As true love.

Richard, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife?

I will.

Patricia, wilt thou have this man

to thy wedded husband?

I will.

Repeat after me.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this... those whom god hath joined together,

let no man put asunder.

By the authority vested in me

by the state of California,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Hey, Mark!

No, you jerk! On the casket!

All set? Go!

"Let us bury the great knight"

"with the studio's valediction,"

"who has since suffered a form of major constriction."

"They told me, Francis Hinsley,"

"they told me you were hung,"

"with red protruding eyeballs..."

"I wept as I remembered how often you and I

have laughed about lo..."

Taking him all in all, this was a man.

Unto almighty god,

we commend the soul of our loved one departed.

Gibberish. Filthy gibberish.

Well, if you'd...

if you'd only taken the time to read it beforehand.

I have more important things to do than to read your doggerel.

Doggerel, I see.

Amen. Amen.

Amen. Amen.

I don't know what your game is, Barlow, but...

Could we have you looking over here, Sir Ambrose?

Thank you, Sir Ambrose.

Yeah, that's fine. Hold it there. Thank you.

Oh, one more, Sir Ambrose.

Up a little. Thank you.

Right this way. Hold it there.

Over here, Sir Ambrose. Beautiful. Just hold it.

I'm sorry, kid.

Oh, thank you very much.

I sure did feel bad about your uncle.

He was the one learned me good English.

The consul happens to be a personal friend of mine.

He'll be told of your scandalous conduct.

If you take my advice,

you'll get out of this country before they throw you out.

That may a little bit uncomfortable.

The police here have developed new methods

of dealing with hooligans like you.

Dogs and cattle prods.

Hey, uh, kid, uh...

What's with his lordship?

I think he didn't like my poem.

He's anti-art.

Hmm. well, what are your plans now?

Very flexible at the moment.

Well, I just been thinking.

You know, I've got a plan.

What? As a matter of fact,

I've got a proposition for you.

You just leave it to old Harry.

You know something? You look great in black.

Arthur!

You know we're due at the Atwells' in 10 minutes!

Oh, go on! Wreck the house! Stop it!

I know one thing only!

I know that Arthur's dead,

and you killed him!

I did not kill Arthur. Come in.

Yes, I-I'm...

I know who you are, young man.

Just come right over here

and just wait right here for a minute

because my wife is a little upset.

Will you wait here, please?

Helen, that was a damn silly thing to say to me.

Silly? Yes.

Yes, yes, of course.

You think

everything's silly.

This house is silly, I'm silly,

the president is silly...

And Arthur was silly.

If you really loved Arthur as much as you say that you do...

Where Arthur was concerned,

you never even gave love a break,

but you could have tried.

You mean...

Yes! Dr. Sallit could have helped you.

Helen, dear, we've got to decide

about the services for Arthur.

We can't keep the Atwells waiting.

Must you make a farce out of everything?

Oh, Helen.

Send him away.

Helen, we've got to settle this once and for all

for everybody's sake.

You filthy swine!

Why must you always hurt me?

Helen, please.

All right!

Have it your own way.

You always do!

I want to conclude this business

as quickly as possible.

Come on. Hurry.

Let's get to it.

All right. Come on, kid.

Come on. Let's get to it.

Yes, of course.

Uh, which service have you decided on?

Well, uh, I don't know.

We can give you entombment, empyrement,

dissemination, or eternalization.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

That would be embalmed, buried, scattered, or burned.

Burned? That's good. Burned.

Now, then, uh, let's see.

Will you require a niche in our sanctum... sanatorium...

Or would you prefer to keep the ashes at home?

Not at home, pal. Not at home, no.

If you'll just sign the order form.

Yeah. the dough.

Where is the hurt one?

You mean Arthur? He's in the kitchen.

I put him on the breakfast bar.

Get him out of here.

Oh, yes, every anniversary,

a card of remembrance is sent without charge.

And it reads, "your little Arthur is thinking of you"

and wagging his tail in heaven tonight."

That's beautiful, very beautiful.

Thank you.

Don't touch Arthur.

Helen, we're 5 minutes late now

for dinner at the Atwells'. Helen, please.

Stay where you are.

Shall I put my hands up?

No. take Arthur and go.

Don't you dare.

Helen, this is ridiculous.

I'm getting hungry.

Stop!

All right, go ahead and shoot me. Shoot me.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Always wanting the easy way out.

This time, you're not going to get it.

Stop, stop! Helen, stop!

No, no! I don't want to leave him! I...

Take Arthur and run.

Take him and run.

Arthur! Oh, Arthur!

Oh, sweet Arthur!

Hello. operator?

Hello. Dr. Sallit? Do me a favor, honey, will you?

Will you call the Atwells and tell them we'll be late for dinner?

Yes, madam. Yes, yes.

He'll be in very good company...

Mm-hmm. Rin Tin Tin, Lassie, Trigger, Silver.

They're all here.

Little Sheba, Mister Ed. Mm-hmm.

Fine. you bet.

Listen, why don't I drop by your place with one of our brochures,

and I'll fill you in on our services, all right?

Fine. you bet. Right away. Bye, now.

How did you make out, kid?

Quite well.

Just another well-adjusted American couple.

Hmm, good.

Well, listen, I've got to make

a little trip over to Beverly Hills.

See a man about a dog.

"Now therefore, while the youthful hue..."

"Sits on thy skin like morning dew..."

"Now let us sport us while we may..."

"Let us roll all our strength and all our sweetness"

"up into one ball..."

"And tear our pleasures with rough strife..."

"Thorough the iron gates of life."

"The grave's a fine"

"and private place..."

"But none, I think..."

"Do there embrace."

"To his coy mistress"

"from Andrew Marvell..."

"And me."

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Uh...

I brought you the poem.

But you said you were going to send it.

Well, I wanted to see you.

I thought we might go to the cinema or something.

Well, uh, well,

Reverend Glenworthy considers it unethical

for the girls to see the waiting ones outside the establishment.

Yes, well, uh,

he needn't know about it, you know?

Oh, no.

I couldn't deceive Reverend Glenworthy.

Oh, I see.

Well, anyway, I always stay home in the evenings.

Good night, Miss Thanatogenos.

Good night.

How disgusting!

What?

There. that awful truck.

Oh.

"The Happier Hunting Grounds."

They try to be like us, and they just make a mockery of death.

Oh! ooh!

What's the matter?

Are you sick?

No, no, no.

It's not that.

It's... I can't explain.

It's like some kind of tiny brain hemorrhage.

It comes over me like this sometimes.

A poem.

Yes, I must write it now.

Now, the thing is, uh,

this is not the place.

I know what's nearby.

If I could only think.

The falls, the falls of Xanadu.

Here. right down here. Come on.

This is a nice place.

Isn't this a likely spot?

Well, yes, it's lovely.

Aimee, I want you to help me.

I want you to help me write the poem.

Help you? But how?

I want you to be...

I want you to be a part of it.

Now, here, look.

Let me explain. Here. Sit, sit.

Aimee, a poet, an artist,

he draws his inspiration from beauty

in many forms.

Dennis, don't!

That's not an ethical thing to do.

Why? don't Americans kiss?

Well, of course they kiss.

But what has that got to do with us?

Everything.

You're an American girl...

And I'm a man.

And, anyway, this certainly wouldn't be

the time or place for that sort of thing.

What better time and place could there be?

Here we are together.

Aimee, shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Did you just write that?

Thou art more lovely

and more temperate.

Dennis, don't. No, you must...

Aimee, you do... want to help me write that poem,

don't you?

I do.

I do want to help you write the poem, but...

In the name of art...

I think I...

I think I chipped my cap on your tooth.

Behold the lovely falls of Xanadu...

Aimee. stop.

An exact replica of those in the famous city of Kubla Khan...

Aimee!

They measure 427 feet in height.

Aimee!

They produce 160 gallons of water per minute.

Aimee!

The falls were built in 1953...

Aimee, don't be frightened.

At a cost of more than $1 million.

Aimee, there's nothing wrong

with having feelings like that.

Regard these falls, stranger...

And be happy.

Aimee! whoa!

Behold the lovely falls of Xanadu...

An exact replica...

I can't swim!

Help!

Dear Guru Brahmin,

you may remember that I wrote to you

about my feelings towards the head of my department.

"But now, I've met another man,"

"and he's written a lot of poems to me."

"When I'm with him,"

"I feel more like the other girls say they feel"

"when they're with their boyfriends or at the movies."

"However, he is not at all such an admirable character."

"He's cynical about many things which are sacred."

"Also, he's not American, but British."

"And tonight, he tried to..."

"Blank-blank with me."

"First, he tried to rouse me in a physical manner."

"I don't know whether I was roused or not."

"I think so."

"But I did not let him do what he tried."

"Should I see this man again?"

OK.

"Dear Aimee,"

"the feeling you described"

"for your fresh friend"

"does not sound like love."

"But still remember,"

"love is a slow-growing seed,"

"which sometimes does not flower"

"until after marriage and commonly shared experiences."

"Furthermore, you silly bitch,"

"whichever one you get is much too good for you"

Strike out the "bitch."

"And examine carefully"

"the intentions of this glib foreign poet."

Good morning, Miss Thanatogenos.

I'm terribly sorry. I hope I didn't startle you.

No.

Miss Thanatogenos, I cannot tell you

how pleased I am, not...

Not only with your work,

but the high standards and the principles

that you bring to it.

Thank you.

Yes, yes...

Yesterday, I mentioned you to the Blessed Reverend.

Hmm...

The blessed reverend?

Yes. which brings me

to the reason for my intrusion here.

This way, Miss Thanatogenos.

Tomorrow they shall be swimming

on the new lake in Babyland.

The baby loved ones sometimes feel lost there at first

just after they've passed over.

And I dreamed they needed playmates.

What do you think of my dream, Mr. Joyboy?

It's a dream that only the Blessed Reverend can dream,

if I may say so.

And now I'd like to present miss...

Miss Thanatogenos.

Yes, Miss Thanatogenos,

I've had my eye on you for some time now,

as I have my eyes

on all the members of our fine family here.

Miss Thanatogenos, as there are

many people of delicate sensibilities,

with a natural reluctance to expose their loved ones

to anything savoring of immodesty,

I've been considering

the advantages of training a female embalmer.

Oh. oh!

Aimee Thanatogenos...

First lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.

Oh, thank you, Blessed Reverend.

Thank you.

That will be all.

Thank you.

I can't believe it. Oh, Mr. Joyboy.

If I may intrude a personal note.

This does call for a little celebration, don't you think?

I wonder if you

would do me the honour of having supper with me this evening.

Oh... I don't know what to say.

Well, I wish you'd come to my home, Miss Thanatogenos.

Yes, I claim the right and the very great privilege

of introducing the first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades

to my mom.

The first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.

May I consider it definite, then?

OK.

Well, 7:00, then?

Congratulations.

The first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.

Lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.

The first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.

Gentlemen, if you will.

Blake, the report.

Gentlemen, these quarterly figures

have distressed me greatly.

Glenworthy enterprises is not a philanthropic organization.

And now, let's go

straight to the purpose of this meeting,

namely the status and future of our beloved Whispering Glades

as a financial proposition.

Haggerty, the projection.

According to our projection

at the present rate of burial,

the total remaining acreage will be depleted

in 7 years' time.

Whispering glades, as an operational enterprise,

will then cease to exist.

The most feasible possibility,

which has yet been suggested,

is to convert this acreage into a retirement city,

a haven for our senior citizens.

Haggerty, the views.

Now, gentlemen...

These are the views, gentlemen,

of some of our more successful retirement communities.

Here you see the Shangri-Lodge Tropicana

and our senior citizens at play.

The annual net has been placed at some 25,000 per acre,

with the distinct advantage of not depleting itself,

since the turnover among retirement city clientele is...

Fairly brisk.

Suffice it to say

that our overall projection figures indicate

a 12,000% gain

in the immediate conversion

of this acreage into a retirement city...

A haven for our senior citizens.

OK. kill it.

Gentlemen, any comment?

You're not thinking about disinterment?

Surely, that is out of the question, Wilbur.

After all, it's consecrated ground.

There's got to be a way

to get those stiffs off my property.

The first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.

That's splendid.

How much is that worth?

I don't know.

I never even considered that part of it.

It must be something. I mean, 200 a week.

We could get married on that.

What did you say?

We could be married. Don't you see?

Aimee, wait.

You know... My dear girl, don't you realize

it's only been money that's been holding me back?

An American would despise himself

for living off his wife.

But you see, I'm English. And we have none of these prejudices

in the old and more developed civilization.

I think you are being absolutely despicable.

Now, Aimee, now wait. Listen, please. Shh.

Now, you want us to be together, now, don't you?

No!

I don't think you're an ethical person.

Aimee!

Well, here we are.

Now to meet mom.

This is mom's room.

It's sort of the center of things around here.

Yo-hoo! mom, are you decent?

Well, here we come, ready or not.

There's my boy!

I got you a big surprise.

Mm! mm!

Aimee, this is mom.

How do you do?

Hello, dear. This is delicious.

This is our little Gandhi bird.

Come on, Gandhi. Come on.

This is our little Gandhi bird.

Now, you just say hello to Aimee, Gandhi.

There is no death. There is no death. No death.

Mom taught her to say that.

Mom believes in positive thinking.

I call him Gandhi because he's so skinny.

Give him to me, will you, Laf, darling?

That's a good boy.

Aren't you, Gandhi?

Good.

Now that you've met us,

what do you think of our little family?

Uh-oh!

It's time for King Chicken.

Mom never misses her King Chicken commercials.

And what's more, it's extra low in calories.

Mm. This must be King Chicken.

I don't even realize I'm watching my diet.

Serve it often.

But make sure you serve the supreme quality...

The king of chicken... King Chicken.

Where's Laf?

Laf?

I always call him Laf for Lafayette.

Oh.

7:38. time for Big Boy Crabs.

It's a new one. It's a new one.

Oh!

They're using a giant one.

Oh, they're using a giant one now!

It does look good, doesn't it?

Oh, god!

Oh, god!

God.

Mom's a heck of a lot of fun, isn't she?

Oh, she's every inch a queen.

Oh.

Aimee, I want to show you something.

This is my bedroom.

I wanted you to see it.

I don't know why.

Oh, that's the storage room over there.

We're gonna enlarge that a bit

to put in mom's big tub, you see.

Big tub?

Yes. a big tub for mom. I give her sponge baths, you see.

I'm going to continue doing that,

but I've saved my money, and I bought a great big tub for mom.

Sometimes, I know it sounds crazy,

but sometimes, I have a dream.

I dream that I'm in the food giant supermarket...

The one on La Brea Street... Buying lobsters for mom...

The biggest juiciest lobsters you can imagine.

I buy them by the dozen,

just the way people buy eggs.

And then they see me coming in the market,

and they say, "here comes the lobster man."

"Here he comes."

And then, I know it sounds crazy,

but then I do this little dance, and I sing.

♪ Mama little Joyboy want lobster, lobster ♪

♪ Mama's little Joyboy want lobster for mom ♪

And then the whole dream changes.

I don't know, it...

It becomes like a nightmare.

Because when I put

that big darn platter of juicy lobsters down in front of mom,

they're still alive...

As if I haven't cooked them at all.

And suddenly, I start to cry,

because I feel that I've let mom down again.

"That's all right, Laf," she says.

"I'll take them the way they are."

By golly, she tears right into those live lobsters,

claws and all.

But they fight back.

And they begin to claw her

and chew her and eat her.

And it's...

I don't want to think about it.

But they don't stop.

They just keep on clawing and biting.

And then finally...

There's no more mom.

Laf, when is supper? I'm starving to death.

♪ Mama's little Joyboy has piggy, piggy ♪

♪ Mama's little Joyboy has piggy for mom ♪

Whoop. ooh.

Help yourself, Aimee.

We don't stand on ceremony around here.

Ooh! ooh!

Mm! mm! Mm...

No. no more. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Oh!

Mm! mm! Mm...

She says his mom's eating habits are unaesthetic

and that he looks undignified in an apron

and that she's not sure she really loves him.

Tell her to marry the other jerk.

"Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,"

"and the rocks melt wi' the sun"

"I will love thee still, my dear,"

"while the sands o' life shall run."

Now we're pledged to each other, aren't we, Dennis?

Yes.

Dennis, it says we shall have many a canty day.

What does that mean?

Canty day? Something like Hogmanay, I expect.

Hogmanay? What's that?

People throwing up in the streets of Glasgow.

Do you know how the poem ends?

"Now we maun totter down, John,"

"but hand in hand we'll go"

"and sleep together at the foot..."

"John Anderson, my Jo'."

Dennis, why are you so coarse?

Why don't I, uh, visit you tonight

at your home?

I mean, till you see a person's home...

No.

You really don't know them.

Well, now that we are engaged,

I suppose it's all right for you to come there.

Aimee!

Aimee!

Aimee, are you in there?

Aimee!

Hi!

Hello.

You see? Isn't it wonderful?

Very cozy.

Having some work done, I see.

Poor house. I'm afraid there'll never be any more work on it.

You see, when they discovered it was a slide area,

they abandoned it.

Just what exactly is a slide area?

Oh, it's a silly thing, really.

It's supposed to mean

that the earth is gradually sliding down the side of the mountain.

And they keep putting up

these awful signs.

Of course,

I just snatch them right down again.

Come inside, and I'll show you the view.

Well?

This is where I live.

You see, Dennis,

I want to surround myself with beauty.

I don't care about what some people call comfort.

Isn't it rather dangerous?

Dangerous?

I mean, isn't it, uh...

Liable to fall down?

Yes, I suppose it is.

Come on out.

Uh...

Isn't it enchanting?

Yes.

It's absolutely breathtaking.

It's like another world.

You know, some people think of death as a negative thing,

but you see how wrong they are, don't you?

What could be

more beautiful and more thrilling

than eternal rest?

Aimee, look, why don't...

why don't you show me some of the objet d'art

in the other room?

You do love beauty, don't you?

What's that?

That's just a slide. Don't worry.

Listen, I've got... got to push on now.

A raise? Why would you need a raise?

Actually, Harry, I thought I'd buy a car.

You can use the Van.

Yes, Harry, I know I can use the Van,

and I do appreciate that,

but, you see, I'm going with this girl now,

and, well, she has a thing about this place.

She thinks it's sacrilegious or something.

Sacrilegious, huh? What does she know?

Is she some kind of kook?

Listen, now, I'll tell you, Dennis,

how you can pick up a few extra bucks.

You can become a nonsectarian minister.

I beg your pardon.

Like that guy Horowitz... The guy that did

the service on the Alsatian the other day.

He's nonsectarian.

Harry, would you say

that a nonsectarian minister

was the social equal of an embalmer?

You're damn right he is, kid.

There's a deep and abiding respect

in the hearts of Mr. and Mrs. USA

for ministers of religion.

What the hell was that? Don't touch it.

It might be a live shell. Come on.

Kid, don't go in there! There's a live bomb in there.

It isn't a bomb. It's a 70-centimeter projectile.

I launched it at approximately 0500 hours.

Optical tracking confirmed

marginal error in trajectory calculations.

All right, Sonny.

Is that it?

Mm-hmm. retardation chute must have failed.

Overheated.

Disintegration of thread fibers.

Flight stabilizers...

A-OK.

What time did it touch down?

What the hell do you mean, touch down? You call that a touch?

It is very important that I know the time of touchdown.

Listen kid, somebody's gonna pay for this hole in the roof.

Don't you have insurance?

You're the one who's gonna have to have insurance, buster.

What is that thing, anyway?

It's a modified C-7 wildcat single-stage 1-H turbo

with a 4-G thrust.

It is, huh? Where did you get it?

I built it.

For you, Miss Thanatogenos,

from Mr. Joyboy.

"This is how I feel"

"since I heard of your betrothal."

"Aimee, thy beauty is to me"

"like those Nicean barks of Yore"

"that gently,"

"o'er a perfumed sea,"

"the weary, way-worn"

"wanderer bore"

"to his own native shore."

"On desperate seas"

"long wont to Rome,"

"thy hyacinth hair,"

"thy classic face..."

"Thy Naiad airs"

"have brought me home"

"to the glory that was Greece"

"and the grandeur that was Rome."

This little dog was embalmed in 1950.

Embalmed.

Oh, yes, sir.

May I help you?

Yes, uh, I understand that you inter animals.

Yes. anything from a horse to a mouse.

In the case of snakes over 6 feet,

we insist that, uh, they be coiled.

I see. Well, I have a bird.

It's a myna bird.

It belongs to my mother.

It's...

It's in here.

Well, we better get him on ice right away.

Oh, perhaps you'd like to look at our brochure

on the desk there, then.

That will give you an idea of our various services.

Would you excuse me?

Certainly.

Harry?

Harry, how much for a myna bird?

Myna bird? What the hell's a myna bird?

Something like a crow, I think.

The same price as crows - 30 bucks.

Just a minute, Barlow.

Harry, what's the C.C. Displacement on a crow?

Come again?

How big is it?

Now you're talking, Gunther. Come here, kid.

As I already see it,

we can put this thing up here and put it together and this whole thing...

"Helen, thy beauty is to me

like those Nicean barks of Yore."

Uh, the rate is $30

for the standard service.

That'll be fine.

However, look,

we can offer you a special new service,

whereby the remains are placed inside a rocket

and fired into space.

Fired into space?

Yes, fired into space.

Well, that'll do just nicely.

Come on, come on.

"Bird, born of egg..."

"Bird, born of egg..."

"Hath but a short time and is full of lice..."

"And is cut down like a flower."

"Let us say farewell to our Gandhi,"

"thus departed."

You all set, kid?

Right, Harry. Connect the umbilical.

All systems go.

Ready for countdown.

"Earth to earth..."

"Ashes to ashes..."

"Dust to dust..."

"Air to air."

"We commit this bird"

"to the air,"

"from whence it came."

Blastoff.

Aah!

What the hell was that?!

Great God in heaven!

Aimee!

Aimee, wait! Oh!

How's it look, Gunther?

Nice pattern.

Almost hit a big black helicopter.

Where?

Over there.

Oh, boy, wouldn't you know it? It's Wil. Gee.

Aimee!

Aimee, please, you've got to let me explain.

Miss Thanatogenos doesn't want anything to do

with you or your pilfered poetry.

Aimee, please!

What in god's name is happening here?

Wil, I know that must have looked kind of funny to you...

Funny?!

Wait a minute, Wil. You see that kid back there?

That's Gunther. The kid's a genius, a space-age genius.

Well, what's he doing here?

That's it, Wil. You see, the kid wanted his own lab.

Well, he started taking stuff home from school...

radar sets, jet engines, that kind of thing.

Then he went after their atomic reactor.

Ah! a raving lunatic.

I tell you, Wil, he can put them in orbit.

He can what?

He can put them in orbit, Wil.

He can put them into orbit.

He can put them

into an orbit of eternal grace.

What?

Yes, Harry, I should like very much to meet this young Gunther.

Yes, among the hardware

which is now totally obsolete,

a modified atlas-8 would be the vehicle of choice

for the purpose you describe.

Modification?

To what extent?

You better not smoke around here.

Something might explode.

Of course, the real problem will be

in obtaining a missile in the first place.

Get me General Buck Brinkman

in air force surplus.

Come over and meet the reverend.

No, thank you, son.

Reverend Glenworthy,

this is Colonel Bott.

He's one of our top flyboys

in the know-how department.

Glad to meet you, Colonel.

How you doing?

You have an empty glass there. We can't have that.

Waiter, some more champagne for the Colonel here.

I've told you to keep these glasses filled.

We're thirsty, right, boys?

Listen, Wil...

Suppose you tell me what this is all about.

Right, buck.

First, let's have a little look around the place.

Let me show you

how we do things here at Whispering Glades.

Fine. Good.

Boys, follow me.

This is our selection room, gentlemen.

One of these models is sure to meet your requirements.

What's going on here? Is he trying to be funny?

Yes. I'm confident there's a unit here for every taste.

Consider these bronzes.

This is your "deep rest special."

Oh, boy.

Would you look at that?

Whoa. Look at that.

Colonel, I was wondering

if I could ask you to test the weight of that unit.

You heard the doctor.

Stand in tow!

What do you say, gang?

Last guy in the box is a bad boy.

No, no, no. That's not it.

I tell you, Harry,

this first resurrection has got to be perfect.

How about a Nobel prize winner... Herkovitz?

Nobel, Schmobel.

It's got to be national appeal, Harry.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, well, wait a minute.

What about a multimillionaire?

You're walking the wrong side of the street, Harry.

Wait a minute. I think I've got it this time.

How about a baby? A babe in arms.

From a babe in arms to a babe in orbit. How's that sound, hmm?

Hold it, Harry. Hold it.

Condor, you shall fly again.

Well, the only thing that worries me, Wil,

is that Blodgett dame. Will she buy it?

Remember, you carry the ball, right?

She's probably a pretty classy broad,

and she'll appreciate your style.

Don't be too pushy about it. She may still be in mourning.

Table down front, boys?

We're looking for Mrs. Blodgett.

Sadie Blodgett.

Yes, widow of the late astronaut,

Captain Todd "Condor" Blodgett.

I'll get her. You can wait here for her.

Look, don't call him a hero to me.

I was there, right?

Well, he fell off a bar stool and broke his neck.

That's how it really happened.

Of course, they kind of hushed it up.

And naturally,

then everybody said it was my fault.

But I don't see it that way.

I mean, I think it's a fault of the system.

Don't you?

Huh? Oh yes, I do, indeed. Yes.

What are you, English?

Oh... yes, I am.

I like English men.

Have a drink?

Oh, thank you.

Mrs. Blodgett, I'm sure that...

Oh, you can call me Sadie.

Yes, well, I'd, uh, hmm...

I'd like to very much.

Then why don't you?

What I was going to say,

uh, Sadie, is that I'm s-sure

that you can appreciate

how important your attendance at the ceremony will be

and that, uh, a cert...

A certain amount of, uh, decorum

will be expected.

Oh, I know the drill.

I mean, I can make those scenes...

Well, uh...

When I want to.

I tell you what,

I've got to get on back to the office.

Why don't you finish up here

with Mrs. Blodgett?

Yes, Dennis, why don't you stay

and help me pick out something to, uh, wear?

Good night, Mrs. Blodgett.

Good night.

Tell me, buck,

what about clearance from the space agency?

Think we'll have any trouble there?

I'll tell you frankly, Wil,

I don't trust those civilian eggheads.

Too much of the old pinko prevert influence

to suit me.

Nah, I think I'll go straight to Mr. Big with this one.

Good idea, buck.

Blessed Reverend, your brother's back.

Sadie swallowed it all

hook, line, and pole. Right, Dennis?

Well, congratulations.

Good work, Harry. Good work.

Well, gentlemen,

this is quite an historic moment.

We're about to step across the threshold of a new era...

Space burial and Resurrection Now.

Well, what about space conservation, Wil?

We're working on that, buck. Gunther?

Orbital clusters.

With concentric elliptical patterns,

it is possible that orbits transect

an almost infinite number of times,

thus utilizing

a relative small area of any postulated space limit.

What would happen if two of the loved ones collided?

Gentlemen, I'm afraid some people

just aren't ready for the space age.

"I had a terrible awakening,"

"and now I..."

OK, OK, back to work.

Where was I?

Thanatogenos.

She's had a terrible awakening.

The man she thought she loved

turned out to be a liar and a cheat,

and he's lost his job.

OK, tell her

to marry the other guy.

That seems to be about what she intends to do.

Aimee!

Aimee!

Aimee!

Now you'll have to listen to me...

Or listen to your conscience

for the rest of your life.

Now, I'm talking about our oath.

The pledge of our truth, Aimee,

made on hallowed ground.

You're flooding the carburetor.

Leave it alone for a minute.

Just consider your flagrant disregard

for the most sacred of all oaths.

You could release me from that pledge.

And you would, if you were a gentleman.

I will never release you.

The first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades,

and now I've disgraced it

and the Blessed Reverend, too.

Let me tell you something.

Your so-called Blessed Reverend

is nothing but a common crook.

I won't listen to you.

And that idiotic Whispering Glades is being sold out

from under you.

Sold out, do you hear?!

Sold out, that Blessed Reverend.

He's going to do a different racket.

Hello. yes. Who is it?

Hello, Blessed Reverend.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll be right over. Yes, Blessed Reverend.

Yes, sir.

I'm fine.

I'll be right there, sir. Immediately, sir. Yes.

Laf?

Laf, where are you?

Mrs. Joyboy, where is Laf?

Here.

I've got to talk to him.

Please. you don't understand. It's very important.

Aimee?

Aimee?

Anyone in?

Oh. excuse me.

I was looking for Aimee...

Miss Thanatogenos.

Do you know where she went?

Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?

No, no!

No. do you see the cranberry sauce?

Cranberry sauce? Uh...

Where is he? The Brahmin, the Guru Brahmin?

Hump?

Hump?

Yes, lady. That's his name.

You mean Hump?

Yes!

He's sitting at the corner of the bar.

Mr. Hump?

Mr. Hump?

Wants the bill daily.

Mr. Hump?

Tell us another one. Mr. Hump?

Yeah.

Well...

What can I do for you, baby?

Mr. Hump, may I...

Speak to you?

Get us a couple of drinks, Joe.

What'll you have, baby?

Nothing, thank you.

I don't drink.

Can we go somewhere else, please?

Let's have a couple of drinks first.

No, you don't understand.

I've got to have your advice.

I've always followed your advice.

I'm Aimee.

I'm Aimee Thanatogenos.

Thanatogenos?

Don't you remember me?

I always write to you.

Incredible!

I don't have anybody else that I can turn to.

Fantastic!

Look, please, you've got to help me.

She's the ghoul from the graveyard.

Please! will you please tell me what to do?

Yes, I'll tell you what to do.

Go across the street to the press building.

Take the elevator to my floor.

It's the 14th.

Go into my office,

and then, you jump out of the window.

How's that for openness, honey?

Sold out!

Sold out!

Sold out!

That Blessed Reverend,

he's going to do a different racket.

Miss Thanatogenos.

Oh, Blessed Reverend,

I must talk with you.

Of course.

Won't you, please, come up to my office?

Let me get you a drink...

some Benedictine, perhaps,

from the monasteries of the Trappist monks,

a truly spiritual potion.

No. no, thank you.

Please.

Yes, we are rather overdue for a little talk,

aren't we, my child?

Reverend Glenworthy...

I know this will sound very foolish to you,

but... I was so shocked

by what this person said to me

that I felt that I had to tell you about it.

Exactly what did he say, Miss Thanatogenos?

He said that...

That you...

You were going to change

Whispering Glades into something else.

You have

an astonishing purity, Miss Thanatogenos.

It's a quality I've always found

exceedingly attractive in the young.

It was just madness what he said, wasn't it?

Just madness and evil?

Let me assure you, Miss Thanatogenos...

That there will most definitely be a place for you,

regardless of any change in operation,

beginning with a stiff boost in salary.

But Whispering Glades?

Yes, yes.

That was all very well in the life of its time,

but now, all things must change.

We're a nation on the move.

Death... death has become a middle-class business.

There's no future in it.

Soon, there shall rise from these grounds

a self-contained city of glass and alloy

for our senior citizens.

What about the loved ones?

To the stars, my dear.

In a celestial service

befitting this grand space age of ours,

the loved ones shall soar about the heavens

in an orbit of eternal grace.

Resurrection Now!

Xanadu falls...

Shadowland, Poets' Corner...

Those are eternal.

No, no, nothing is eternal.

All must change,

including a young woman's beauty.

Don't be afraid.

Beauty occurs in many forms.

Consider this statue.

Keep your eye on the statue.

Hmm? and there.

And look over there.

And here.

Now look here.

Beauty in every form.

In every form!

Beauty in every form.

Just when everything was perfect.

How could she do this to me?

Yes, the Condor, the Condor in there...

A perfect restoration...

Still supple, beautiful tones.

Just need a little touch-up here and there.

And then she had to go and spoil everything.

The shame, the scandal.

And the Blessed Reverend?

No, I can't hurt them like this.

You've got to help me, Barlow.

Well, just what do you have in mind?

Your place... The pet cemetery.

We can take her there. We could cremate her.

No one would ever know.

You must do something. You must do something to help me. You must.

How much money do you have in the bank?

I don't know. Uh, why?

A change of air is what I need just now.

Back to sunny England for a bit.

Of course, that means that I should require

a first-class air passage

and an additional sum,

perhaps the very amount

that you have in your bank account.

That's blackmail.

My dear sir,

blackmail is not a word to be bandied about by gentlemen.

No.

It'll take every cent we have in the world.

No, everything that we need

for mom's big tub and everything.

Mom's big tub?

Well...

Well, I mean, it's either mom's big tub or me.

Now, you'll just have to make up your mind, Popjoy.

Now we'll... we'll take her out the back...

And down the ramp,

and then you bring the truck around the back.

Wait. wait a minute.

Uh...

What is that casket?

That's the Condor's.

Now, please, Barlow, come on. We have to hurry.

That's what I thought it was. Hmm.

We'll put Aimee in here.

You must be mad.

They're gonna take that casket, put it in the rocket ship,

and shoot it into an orbit of eternal grace.

No, no.

Eternal grace is not for astronauts.

They're men of mundane manner...

But Aimee was a heavenly thing.

It is she who belongs among the stars,

not that flying robot of yours.

We'll burn him at The Happier Hunting Ground.

I couldn't do that. I had to take a loyalty oath

before I could work on the Condor.

Joyboy, go out and get that Jack-in-the-box Condor

and take him down to the ramp.

Now.

Detail, prepare casket.

Raise.

Forward march.

Stand by for blastoff.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Stand by for blastoff"

has just been called,

and in just a few seconds,

we'll have this historic countdown.

Now let me present to you

the man of the hour,

without whom none of this would have been possible,

the Blessed Reverend... Dr. Wilbur Glenworthy.

"Too long in earthly bondage."

"So it is written"

"and so it is come to pass."

"Resurrection!"

24, 23, 22...

"To soar in celestial Serenity"

"throughout the farthest reaches of the universe..."

Trans-World Airlines... flight 760.

"In an orbit of eternal grace"

"in large measure,"

"and, as always,"

"this nation is beholden"

"to the genius of its children"

"for this great moment."

"Yes, China may brainwash..."

10, 9...

"Russia may educate..."

6, 5...

"But America breeds its genius."

Blast off!

"Resurrection Now!"

All first-class passengers

to your left, sir.