Original subtitles

The love god?

And let's not forget the inspiring words of the poet:

"Oh, beautiful for spacious skies,

"For amber waves of grain,

"For purple mountain majesty,

Above the fruited plain. "

But I say, all the beauty of our glorious country...

is meaningless if its artistic soul is to be stifled...

by narrow-minded and antiquated laws.

Is it any wonder this country has never produced...

a Michelangelo, a Rembrandt, a Picasso...

when men like Osborn Tremain are persecuted...

for trying to bring beauty and art to a culture-hungry public.

Is it any wonder that the rest of the artistic world...

considers our country a cultural desert,

when true lovers of art, like Osborn Tremain,

are crucified on the cross of ignorance?

Is Osborn Tremain to be martyred...

for being a worshiper at the shrine of beauty...

and, through his artistic publications,

sharing this love with a culture-starved public?

How long is God-given beauty to be strangled...

by man-made laws?

The spirits of the great poets of antiquity stand next to Osborn Tremain,

crying in his defense: "A thing of beauty is a joy forever."

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," wrote Keats.

Can this court take it upon itself tojudge what is beauty and art?

In the face of such words as these, I quote: "She walks in beauty...

"like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.

"And all that's best of dark and bright...

"meet in her aspect and in her eyes,

"thus, mellowed to that tender light...

which Heaven to gaudy day denies."

Unquote. Lord Byron, 1821.

Quote. "Every obscene, lewd or lascivious filthy book, pamphlet, picture...

"or other publication of an indecent character...

"is declared to be nonmailable matter and shall not be conveyed in the mails...

or delivered from any post office or by any carrier. "

Unquote. U.S. Criminal Code, 1909.

You know, Tremain,

this is your ninth appearance before me.

As a matter of curiosity, is there anything new you can say before I pronounce judgment?

If I am guilty of anything, Your Honor,

it is of being a lover of grace and beauty...

Grace and beauty!

If your idea of grace and beauty is this...

this coarse, overdeveloped caricature of a woman...

Your Honor! You're speaking about my wife.

Your wife?

Well, that is Evelyn, isn't it.

My humble apologies, Mrs. Tremain.

After all these years, it's ridiculous not to have known it was you.

Now let's get this over with.

As usual, guilty. As usual, suspended sentence.

Thank you, Your Honor. Uh, one moment, beauty worshiper.

On behalf of the Attorney General, may I wish you a final good-bye?

Oh, is the Attorney General retiring?

No. You are. The Postmaster General has been enjoined...

to revoke your fourth-class mailing privilege.

My mailing privilege! But Your Honor, a publisher without his mailing...

Is out of business! In other words, Mr. Osborn Tremain,

your career as a peddler of filth, smut and dirt is over.

You'll have to find another business.

What other business? This is all I know, all I've ever done!

We've ever done.

Chin up. We've weathered storms like this before, haven't we, Mother?

Not this storm. Without a mailing privilege there isn't a distributor...

who'll touch a Tremain publication with rubber gloves.

When will the government stop interfering with private business?

Let's stop for lunch. I'm hungry.

Won't you contribute?

Thank you, sir.

Where are we? Some dump called Peacock City.

And I'm weak from hunger. Let's stop here.

Won't you contribute to the magazine fund, ma'am?

Would you like to help Abner, sir? Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Won't you contribute? Won't you please give?

Save the Peacock Magazine.

Would you contribute to the Save the Peacock Magazine Fund, sir?

Uh, we already gave. Bless you, sir.

Come on, the light's changed.

Save the Peacock Magazine!

'Nita, Juanita

Ask thy soul if we should part

'Nita, Juanita

Lean thou on

My heart

Now a selection we've been waiting for all evening,

featuring a young man whose place in the hearts of this community...

is evidenced by your presence here tonight.

Accompanied by my daughter, Rose Ellen, at the piano,

here he is, in that selection which clearly demonstrates...

why, for 11 years in a row,

he's won the Eastern Seaboard Bird Calling Contest.

Our own Abner Peacock.

Thank you.

"Summer in the Meadow," by Eloise Dudley Fetlock.

On a warm summer's day as we wend our way

Through the fields smelling sweetly of heather

As we stroll along let us hark to the song

Of our dear, little friends of the feather

Greeting his guests is the robin redbreast

From the foliage lush comes the song of the thrush

The kingfisher's bark

The gay meadowlark

The turtledove's croon

The laugh of a loon

Is that a snipe

No, a friendly bobwhite

The herring gull's howl Hoot of an owl

Mallard duck's cackle Blue-bellied grackle

A coot, hawk A crow, an auk

A finch, a swallow A quail

Tit willow

A grouse, a rook, a turkey

But look

There, overhead majestic and regal The king of them all

The American eagle

From sea to shining

Sea

Ah

Magnificent, simply magnificent.

Thank you. And now, dear people, comes our chance...

to tell Abner in a financial way what we think of him.

He's the most decent, wonderful boy in the world...

sold out by his own relatives!

Now, now, Miss Keezy, I'm sure that after our efforts here tonight,

the Peacock will remain safely in Abner's hands.

Now let's show it.

Now for the grand total. Miss Pickering?

Four hundred and seventy-two dollars...

and sixty-three cents.

Uh, gee, that's, uh, wonderful, everybody.

It's really wonderful of you.

But I'm afraid that we're still, uh,

just a little bit short.

Well, how much do you need, Abner?

Forty-seven thousand dollars.

Uh, but listen. I guess everything must come to an end.

Please!

We can't just stand by and watch Abner's magazine die!

Are we gonna let Abner down?

Please.! Won't somebody give something?

Anything?

I pledge $47,000.

Did somebody say something?

I pledge $47,000.

$47,000? We haven't got 47 cents.

I want no part in this.

Uh, Mister... uh...

Does the name Osborn Tremain mean anything to you?

I'm sorry, no. That's quite all right.

Mr. Peacock, I've made millions in the publishing business... mostly technical textbooks.

And with the trash on the stands today, I would be an ingrate...

if I did not offer a few thousand dollars...

to keep a decent magazine alive.

Mr. Tremain... No, no, none of that!

The foreclosure is... Noon, tomorrow.

I'll be there in time with the money. You have the word of Osborn Tremain.

That's it, Mr. Pomfred.

You're the highest and only bidder.

Mr. Peacock, I'm sure Mr. Tremain was delayed!

In all decency... Uncle Amos, c-can't you wait just a few minutes?

After 125 years, you can't just up and... kill the Peacock.!

Kill what? Peacock's Magazine has been dead for the past 20 years.

As majority stockholders, our branch of the family...

has been trying to unload this white elephant... White elephant!

Uncle Amos, this magazine has brought honor to the name of Peacock!

That's why it's better this way, nephew.

Why, you... you wouldn't want to drag that honorable name through bankruptcy, would you?

Well... Of course not! Well, that does it, Mr. Pomfred.

You can sell the presses as junk, start demolishing the building in a month.

Junk?

Oh, Abner. I'm sorry.

Now, now, Rose Ellen. Come on. Come on.

We just have to...

learn to take it on the chin.

Miss Pickering? Yes, sir.

We'll have to rewrite that last editorial.

Just head it... um...

last issue.

Dear and faithful friends...

of the bird.

That's it. Let's go.

And while Peacock's Magazine may be gone,

it's spirit will... will live on...

in the song... of the bobolink;

in the peep... of the tufted titmouse...

Stop the sale.! Stop the sale.!

Too late?

- What can I say? - l-lt's not your fault, Mr. Tremain.

Believe me, it's...

You see that? Uh-huh.

That's my great-grandfather. That's my grandfather.

And that's my father.

And they handed me a great name.

And I, uh...

Well, I failed.

Did I hear a red-blooded American boy use the word "fail"?

Tell me I didn't. Mr. Tremain, I have nothing left!

All I have is a title to a magazine, a handful of old subscribers...

And a fourth-class mailing privilege? A fourth-class mail...

My little friend, this is just the beginning of Peacock Magazine's...

return to the greatness that once it knew!

Edited by my own staff in New York, printed on my own presses.

Abner, the Peacock is going to live!

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

Repay me? You already have,

with your performance last night.

On your coot call, my wife cried.

Well. Thank you, Mrs. Tremain.

Bird lover?

Well, then, you must know... I don't mean to brag or anything,

but you gotta be pretty good on your mating calls to get the birds close enough...

to get the really great pictures.

They come flyin' right in there toward you, expecting...

Uh, you know.

And then, instead, snap!

So that's how it's done.

Abner Peacock, just how good are you? Well, l...

Good enough to do what no bird photographer has ever been able to do?

You mean... Get a picture of the only bird so shy that...

The South American female speckled flicker? The South Amer...

Ipacarus Tropicanus? Habitat: Verde Grosse jungle in Brazil!

A picture of the Ipacarus Tropicanus.!

That's the dream of every bird photographer in the whole world!

My dream too! Can you do it, Abner Peacock?

Can you bring her close enough for that picture...

the picture that will rock the bird world...

and bring fame and glory to Peacock Magazine?

Can you do it, Abner Peacock?

What the hell was that?

Beautiful! Save it! Save it!

There's a plane leaving for Brazil in two hours.

Get on it, Abner Peacock. Bring back that dream!

Abner.!

Excuse me.

Rose Ellen, when I get back,

I want to ask you something. I'll be waiting. Bye.

You've just time to pack. Let's go!

W-Wait. Uh... one last look.

I understand.

Uh, Mr. Tremain. What is it?

Oh, uh, it's Miss Pickering.

She's been with the magazine ever since my grandfather.

I promised that as long as there was a Peacock Magazine, there'd be a place for her.

I'm afraid... She only gets $21 a week.

Always room for one more in the Tremain empire. Great.

Miss Pickering!

Y-Y-Yes? You're goin' to New York!

Ohh! N-New York?

At last! New York!

This is the last paper for you to sign.

Don't bother reading it; just petty details my legal department insists on.

Oh, okay. Oh, Miss Pickering, remember,

for our cover, the scarlet tanager.

- New York at last. New York! - We'll be at the airport any minute.

I'd better explain: The luxury jet to Brazil was booked solid.

However, the name Osborn Tremain does carry weight.

So we were fortunate enough to get you aboard a special flight.

When you land in Rio, there will be a chartered limousine waiting.

It will take you directly to La Plata, where a luxury launch will be waiting.

That will take you up the Amazon to the Verde Grossejungle,

the village of Padido.

There you will be met by the most expert...

and dependable guide of the Verde Grosse rain forest,

the famous Jose Renaldo Rodriguez.

Come right in, honey, I'm Miss Pickering.

We're running a little late today, so just undress behind the screen there, dearie.

Edna, honey? Coming, Ev, baby.

This is it. This is it.

Now you are standing in the exact middle...

of the most thickest jungle in the world!

It's exciting! It's really exciting! Si.

Jose. Huh? Oh.

What's next? Huh? Oh.

Let me see the instructions from Mr. Tremain.

Looks like rain, huh?

Rain! Doesn't look like rain to me.

Sky looks just as clear as...

Jose!

Jose!

Jose?

Jose! Where'd he go?

All right, everybody out.! Get 'em in the wagon.

Honest, I thought this was the Red Cross. I came to give blood.

Get 'em in the wagon. Get those doors open!

What is the meaning of this?

Get that coat off my wife's body!

Osborn Tremain, as publisher of an obscene... Osborn Tremain? Publisher?

Who said he's the publisher? Oh, now, stop stalling, Fenton.

The Attorney General recognized Evelyn.

Did you hear that, Mother? Did you see where she's in the hammock with her legs up?

Oh! You know we have every legal right to stop publication.

Of course, as soon as you've personally served the, uh,

registered and legal publisher, Abner Peacock IV.

Abner Peacock IV?

Come on, back to work.

You won't get away with it. If we have to call in every man in the F.B.I.,

we'll find this Abner Peacock in 24 hours.

Wherever he is!

Mr. Hotchkiss, National Ornithologist?

Mr. Peacock? Peacock Magazine?

It was you who, uh...

A-And it was... you who... uh...

- Now, now, Mr. Hotchkiss. - We're never gonna be seen alive!

Y-You're with a woodsman. We'll find the river.

It's that way.

No, it's this way.

It's this way, Mr. Hotchkiss! Follow me!

Over here! A boat, Mr. Hotchkiss!

We're saved!

I'd just like to know what this whole thing's about, that's what.

There's been a mistake! A mistake! l...

Jail dirty Abner. Jail dirty Abner.

Here he comes! Who put up your bail?

Are you gonna fight? Hold it, Abner!

Go back to Russia!

Please! Please! Folks, listen!

I'm not like you think at all! Honest.

Anybody in Peacock City can tell you that I'm just a clean, decent...

Hello, Miss Keezy.

You want the family to represent you? Really, nephew!

Isn't the name of one Peacock in such a dirty case enough?

But Uncle Amos, I don't have any money to hire a lawyer. Wh-What can I do?

Do? Do what any decent man who honors his family would do.

- Plead guilty! - Plead guilty?

That way it's quick and done with.

Just one headline: "Dirty Abner Gets Ten Years," and it's all over.

But I'm innocent! And if you won't help me,

there's plenty of people who will!

Hi, Mr. Peacock.!

Hi, Mr. Erickson!

Hello, Miss Keezy.

Who is it? We have to see you right away.

Is it important?

I'm right in the middle of doing something.

It's very important, Mr. Peacock.

It could be the most important thing in your life.

Mr. Peacock? We're attorneys from the Council for Constitutional Liberty.

We want to represent you at your forthcoming trial. You want to be my lawyers?

We? Oh, no, Mr. Peacock. We'll be just assisting at the trial.

You'll be represented by Darrell Evans Hughes.

Darrell Evans Hughes!

Mr. Peacock,

from this moment on, you can consider your case won.

Now, until the trial, we're going to keep you hidden away in a hotel room.

Away from all reporters, all television.

No publicity.

Abner Peacock is being used as a scapegoat...

to further the political ambitions of...

your Attorney General Frederick Snow.

I thought there wasn't gonna be any publicity. Shh.

Abner Peacock... slandered, prejudged, penniless...

is fighting for his life!

But... he is also fighting for the rights...

of every liberty-loving American...

who cherishes his freedom of speech.

Is Abner Peacock fighting alone?

No! Abner Peacock is fighting the Establishment!

Are we with him?

If they jail Abner Peacock, they'll have to jail all of us!

Let him go! Let him go!

Another campus, another demonstration over the Abner Peacock controversy...

that is rocking the country and has exploded throughout the world.

And now, by satellite, to Paris.

I sort of thought we were gonna keep this quiet.

We're here in front of the Attorney General's office in Washington,

where the picket line is now in its fourth day.

He is fighting for our rights. lfhe goes tojail,

it'll be the end of free speech in America.

Attorney General Frederick Snow is stamping out our liberties.

Freddie Snow must go.!

Freddie Snow must go.! Freddie Snow must go.!

- Freddie Snow must go.! - Ladies and gentlemen, the Attorney General.

The truth is, Abner Peacock is not fighting for great principles.

He is fighting for the privilege of dirtying America with smut like this!

And this.

More of his revolting nudity.

Disgusting, isn't it?

How do you like this? And this?

Yes, isn't it wonderful? Me, on television!

Everybody I know's been calling!

Hurry! They're showing you in the hammock!

Oh, I'll call you right back, Mother!

This is the smut Peacock has been spewing...

into the homes of America.

This dirt. This obscenity. This filth.

This is the most beautiful moment of my life.

All right, there's just so much room.

There he is.!

We're with you, Abner! Keep your cool, baby!

Mr. Hughes, what will your strategy be? No comment.

Abner, what do you think of your chances? Well, the truth...

Come on. Abner.!

Hello.

Hi, Uncle Amos.

Right here, boss. Look who's here. The golden girl of the magazine world.

Cool it, boys. I'm just slumming.

I thought you might be able to use these, Mr. Hughes.

This is a plaque of appreciation from my Boy Scout troop.

These are some potholders made by my Sunday School class.

Darrell.! Fred.

Good to see you. How's Jean and the girls?

Fine, thanks. Lucy and that big boy of yours?

The kid went out for football. That figures. Rah, rah, for Rutgers, huh?

Oh, I don't think you've met my client, Mr. Abner Peacock.

Attorney General Snow. Hi. I guess it's been pretty tough on you.

In a little while, it'll all be over.

All I want is for the truth about me to come out.

Well, that's what we're here for.

All rise.

The HonorableJudge Jeremiah Claypool.

The prosecution will proceed with its opening statement.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

Mr. Darrell Evans Hughes,

who, incidentally, I consider not only a close friend,

but as our country's foremost fighter for justice...

and human rights.

Mr. Hughes, in one of his many television pretrial appearances,

has suggested that as Attorney General,

it should be I who should be seated at the defense table next to Mr. Peacock,

protecting his rights of free and untrammeled expression.

But I have another duty...

a higher duty to perform.

And that is to protect you,

your children, the very morality of our nation,

from the smut and moral corruption...

spewed forth like garbage...

from the lecherous, vile, lewd and licentious mind...

of this filthy, little degenerate!

Look at his face. It is the face of a smut monger.

Look at his body: thin, wasted away...

by the dissipation and debauchery...

of a life of unspeakable orgies and depravity.!

What's the matter, Dirty Abner?

Trying to hide from the truth?

That's not the truth! That's...

Quiet. The defendant is ably represented by counsel.

There will be ample time for rebuttal.

I'm sorry. Ah, you see? He says he's innocent.

And he does look innocent...

until you look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex,:

eyes that mock our sacred institutions,:

"bedroom eyes,"they called them in a bygone day.

They're the eyes of a man whose lust knows no bounds,

who lives but for corrupting others...

to a life of carnal pleasures and lewd designs.

A man whose erotic desires and libertine practices...

are used to titillate the unsuspecting,

who regards women as his playthings...

and would stoop to any depths to satisfy his pornographic tastes.

The Marquis de Sade would have regarded Abner Peacock...

as a peer in his search for lechery.

We can have a clean America,

but only when we remove...

this sex-ridden smut peddler...

from the society he is bent upon destroying.

Will there be an opening statement from the defense?

Yes, Your Honor.

I got this for the Nicest Boy in Peacock City Contest.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen,

I have sat here and heard my client, Abner Peacock, called...

"a filthy, obscene degenerate;

"a sex-ridden, lascivious defiler of virtue;

"whose lust knows no bounds,

"whose publications have plumbed the depths of degradation,:

and are a reflection of his own sex-obsessed mind."

We're not going to argue about that.

We can see that Abner Peacock is everything the Attorney General has told you he is.

It is the unsavory creatures like Abner Peacock...

who test the strength of our Constitution,

which, like our Rock of Gibraltar,

has withstood challenge after challenge...

in protecting our freedom of the press through the years.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, are we to stand idly by...

and allow the first crack to be made in this rock...

because of this dirty little pornographer?

This is a dirty case...

and a dirty little man.

It is with disgust to the point of nausea...

that I find myself sitting next to this filthy little degenerate!

But when I see this filthy degenerate's...

Constitutional rights being threatened,

then I must take this filthy little degenerate into my arms,

clasp him to my breast...

and fight for this filthy little degenerate's...

Constitutional rights and liberty...

with my very life!

Now, let me warn you spectators.

One more demonstration and you've had it.

Prosecution may proceed. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

Understand? Get everything you can on Peacock.

Lisa, Lisa? I wonder if we could see you on television?

We'd like to talk to you. Perhaps the most popular, and certainly most glamorous...

of the big magazine editors, Lisa LaMonica of Finesse.

Thank you, Ira. Lisa, I want to ask you, if Peacock is acquitted,

what do you think will be the most significant result of the trial?

Financial. It will make Peacock a millionaire.

I mean the legal significance.

Everybody will be anxiously awaiting the verdict, which will be a landmark.

They're just waiting for the next Peacock. They'll sell millions.

Millions. It's all legal. You've got the Peacock locked up!

The jackpot! Yes, but you can't waste a minute.

You have got to be on the street with ten million copies!

Ten million? That'd take half a million dollars front money!

- Get it. - A half-million dollars? With my credit?

- Get it. - Where?

You know where.

Go right in, please.

This is an emergency. I've gotta see Ice Pick Charlie right away.

You mean Mr.J. Charles Twilight.

That's right. I've gotta see... Mr. Twilight instantly.

Mr. Twilight cannot be disturbed.

This is his hour with Miss Love.

"Under a spreading chestnut tree, the village smitty stands.

"The smit... Smith.

Smith. Smithhh.

"The Smithhh, a mighty man is he,

With large and sinewy hands."

- Sin-ew-y. Sin-ew-y.

A gentleman doesn't slur his middle vowels, does he, Charles?

N-N-No, Miss Love.

Now, this, uh, English composition that you did for your homework.

"My Most Memorable Vacation."

Your grammar!

"Until that time, me and Nutsy Herman"...

Nutsy Herman and I.

N-Nutsy Herman and I.

"Until that time, Nutsy Herman and I got the contract to go to upstate New York...

"to knock off Big-nose Schlossburg,

I wasn't never out of Brooklyn before."

Oh, really, Charles. I'm shocked.

And, uh, what was our new word for today?

- Uh, prerogative. - Use it in a sentence, please.

If Sally wishes to go to the dance with Robert,

it's her prerogative. Good!

And what was yesterday's new word?

Fastidious. Oh, I love that word.

Hello. Yeah, send him in.

Fastidious. I used that word 36 times yesterday.

Mr. Twilight. I'm Osborn Tremain.

Who the hell cares? Oh. Uh, Mr. Tremain,

may I present Miss Love?

Miss Love, this is Mr. Tremain.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Tremain.

- My pleasure, Miss Love. - And what may I do for you, Mr. Tremain?

Uh, Mr. Twilight, I don't know if you remember me,

but about five years ago, you invested a few thousand dollars in a...

a home movie I was making.

Oh, yes, uh, I remember. How is your wife?

Oh, she's fine. She still talks about you.

Uh, Mr. Twilight, time is short.

Have you ever thought of going into the publishing business?

Publi... Publishing.

I've got the hottest magazine the world has ever seen.!

There's millions in it.! All I need is a mere half-million dollars...

to get the first edition out.

Publishing. Now, that's class.

Well, sir, you wouldn't exactly be the publisher.

Uh, Miss Love, would you please excuse us for a little while?

Yes, I really must be running along.

So nice to have met you, Mr. Tremain. My pleasure, Miss Love.

Until tomorrow, Charles. Tomorrow, Miss Love.

Tell it to me again, how for a half a million dollars I'm not gonna be the publisher.

You're the publisher. You're the publisher.

I'll just put out the magazine.

You're gonna put out my magazine?

A slimy, two-bit bum like you...

put out a J. Charles Twilight publication?

I want class. I want the best.

Now, let's go and get it!

Has thejury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor. We find the defendant, Abner Peacock, not guilty.

Congratulations! I've never seen anything like it!

Craig, that's our story.

After 200 years of sexual frustration when the Puritans stepped off the Mayflower,

this country is exploding in a sex revolution,

and Abner Peacock is the flag bearer. That little pipsqueak?

It isn't what he is, it's what the public thinks he is:

the great emancipator who's gonna dance naked in the moonlight.

I saw the look on those women! Forget it. We're going with this.

Oh, Craig, Ice Pick Charlie. You can go with that anytime.

Now's the moment... I said forget it.

Lisa, when you have your own magazine, you can do it your way.

This is my magazine. We'll do it my way.

Craig, the public wants sex, sex and more sex!

Miss LaMonica?

J. Charles Twilight at your service.

J. Charles Twilight. That's very elegant.

Somehow I prefer your maiden name, Ice Pick Charlie.

Freeze.

I like what I see.

Guts.

Miss LaMonica, I'm taking over publication of a magazine.

You're gonna put it out for me.

Work for you, Charlie? You're wasting your time.

Hey.

Miss LaMonica, perhaps you've heard of me. Osborn Tremain.

And I just had the office cleaned.

The magazine Mr. Twilight was referring to is the Peacock.

The Peacock? In your own words, Miss LaMonica,

the next issue will sell millions.

You want me to put out a dirty, pornographic magazine?

That's right. But it's gotta have class.

Class.

And sex.

Complete control. My baby?

Your baby. Wait a minute! I was the one...

Shut up! Your baby.

But it's gotta have class.

And sex! Oh, it'll have sex.

But written by the most famous authors.

And we'll give them naked women, but the most famous bodies in the world,

photographed by the greatest photographers!

Boys, this isn't going to be something that people just buy and hide.

This is gonna be a status symbol for swingers.

It's a deal at three times the salary.

What about Abner Peacock? Forget about him. He's out.

Are you crazy? Without Abner Peacock we've got nothing!

He's the gimmick; he's the image!

He's the greatest built-in sex promotion since Valentino!

That schnook? Whatever he is,

right now, he's the answer to frustrated America's most wicked dreams.

Sure, the first issue will sell millions... out of curiosity.

But what's gonna sell the magazine after that?

Abner Peacock... on the front pages... on television...

mobbed, idolized, Mr. Sex, the new love god.

Get Peacock. Actually, our relationship...

Get him! Get him.

I want that picture of Ice Pick Charlie shaking hands with the governor.

I said I was not to be dist...

Mr. Frazier? J. Charles Twilight, at your service.

Just dropped in to see what a publisher's office looks like.

If I'm intruding, throw me out. It's your prerogative.

Oh, no. No, be free to look around.

Thank you.

This is it.

This shows good breeding.

Used to play this when I was a kid. Checkers.

This is beautiful, just beautiful.

This is class.

Very fastidious. Oh, thank you.

Hey, leather patches.

It's just an old rag from college.

May I? Oh, of course.

Hey, Pete.

By the way, Miss LaMonica's going to work for me.

She's gonna put out a magazine I just took over.

I'm afraid that's impossible, you see, I have a five-year contract with her.

Got a sense of humor. You're all right. The family?

Yes, yes. That's my wife, Pamela,

and my son, Craig, Jr., and my older daughter, Penny,

and this is Cynthia, the baby.

This, you gotta be born with.

This, money can't buy.

Congratulations on your excellent taste, Mr. Frazier. Well, thank you!

Thank me? Thank you!

Have one of our trucks pick this all up right away.

You're all right.

How's it feel? How do you feel, now the case is over?

This case isn't over, and it won't be over until the truth about me is told.

Chief! We won! We won!

Rose Ellen!

Uh, would you excuse me?

Rose Ellen, you shouldn't be seen with me till I clear my name.

No, Abner, my place is by your side.

All right, I'm gonna do it right now.

Ah, folks! Uh, it's time that the true facts come out.

Now... Oh, uh... Mr. Hughes!

I suppose that I ought to thank you, but...

You can thank me by seeing to it...

that I never have to set eyes on you again.

You're free aren't you? So run along and publish your filthy little magazine.

I'm not gonna publish any filthy magazine.

You're not? No. I want to go back and publish my bird magazine.

Abner.

What's going on? How about a statement?

This is horrible. This is just horrible.

But I gave Mr. Shrader and Mr. Rich all the facts.

Yes, I know! They told me.

Some cockamamie story about you chasing a bird...

all through some South American jungle.

Even if it were true, even if I believed it, I'd be laughed out of court.

You'd have wound up in jail. Abner, you can't do this to us!

You can't do this to the cause of Constitutional liberty!

But all I want is to go back and publish my bird magazine!

Ha-ha! Bird magazine!

Abner, don't you realize...

that people all over the world have fought for you?

They've had their heads broken, been thrown into jail...

for your right to publish a filthy magazine?

I'm sorry, but I just can't publish a dirty magazine.

You've got to prove to the world just how free our press is!

B-But I wouldn't know the first thing about publishing filth.

You're young! You can learn.

Abner is a clean, decent human being.

Just when our country needs a dirty little degenerate,

we're stuck with a clean, decent human being!

It's Attorney General Snow!

Your good name! What about the good name of your country...

with the world watching a jury...

reaffirm your Constitutional right to publish filth?

So what happens?

You come out with some namby-pamby magazine about the birds and flowers!

Just birds. The flowers is a field. We never went into it.

Abner Peacock,

if you love your country, you'll publish a filthy magazine.

Abner! I heard all about it. Uncle Amos.!

Don't worry, I'm not gonna publish any dirty magazine.

Don't you ever think of anybody but yourself?

Your associate has been kind enough to explain...

that there are millions to be made;

that an important financier is backing the magazine with hundreds of thousands.!

Lisa LaMonica herself has quit Finesse to edit the new Peacock.

Lisa LaMonica! Abner.

Even if you don't want to go along with it,

have the decency to see her tomorrow and tell her to her face.

I guess it would be the decent thing to do.

Abner, if you think so, then it must be the decent thing to do.

All right. I'll tell her.

But Rose Ellen, tomorrow night, after it's all over,

I want you to be sitting on the swing of your veranda,

because I'm gonna come callin' on you...

to ask you something very important.

I'll be waiting, Abner.

There he is!

Good morning, boss. Oh, uh, I'm not...

Good morning, Mr. Peacock. Oh, uh...

Good morning, Mr. Peacock. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock. Morning.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock.

Excuse me, I'd like to see...

Miss Pickering! Hi, kid.

Gee, Miss Pickering, you look so... uh...

Mr. Peacock? Oh, Miss LaMonica?

Mr. Peacock. Oh, just think of the excitement, the challenge the two of us face!

Uh, well, actually, Miss LaMonica,

see, I'm here to explain.

Lisa, darling! Erica.!

Abner, you recognize Erica Lane, of course?

Erica Lane. I saw your last picture six times.

And you must be that wonderful Mr. Peacock who's making this all possible.

You better get ready, Erica. We've flown Valdez in from Paris to do your photography.

Oh, I'm... I'm so excited!

That was Erica Lane. On the cover of our first issue. Nude, of course.

Nude! Nude?

Of course. Now let's get down to business.

Miss LaMonica! Uh...

This is awfully hard to say,

but before you go ahead and spend any more money,

I'm just afraid this is impossible.

lmpossible.

Nothing is impossible. Together we can meet the challenge.

Well, I didn't mean it exactly that way.

I mean, you see, I just can't allow the name of Peacock...

to be associated with a magazine like, uh... Like what?

Well, like, uh...

Miss Erica Lane on the cover without a stitch of clothes on.

Mr. Peacock, can you think of a stitch that Miss Lane could possibly wear...

that would be more beautiful than what it's covering?

Than what it's covering?

Well, uh... no.

Abner, sit down.

I think we should have a talk. Man-to-man.

Mr. Peacock, as a modern, sophisticated editor,

you must know from your own experience that sex...

uninhibited, frank and open is one of nature's greatestjoys.

Well, uh...

Actually, I haven't had a lot of, uh...

What I mean is...

Now, Mr. Peacock, this is no time to be coy. A man like you.!

Well...

That's why the Peacock Magazine is going to be clean.

You and I are gonna take sex and put it where it belongs... out in the open.

Yes, the Peacock Magazine is gonna be a sex magazine...

but clean sex,

purified by frankness and open discussion.

Abner, American men and women are begging...

to break the chains of their Puritanical heritage,

to free them of their sexual frustrations.

They're crying to us, Abner.

Let us take up the gauntlet.

Together, let us create a great new magazine.

Well, uh, you see, I don't know how I could be of much help in that field.

Birds are my line. I really don't know... You don't know?

Abner, you're the whole ball of wax!

The public will only accept that the Peacock is the world's number one swinging magazine...

if they believe that the man behind it is the world's number one swinger.

You, Abner Peacock. Me... a swinger.

Miss LaMonica, I-I never swung, uh...

You see, those things they said about me at the trial... That's not me.

I'm just an editor of a bird magazine. I'm just plain...

I know all about you... what every woman in that courtroom knows,

every woman who saw you on television!

Let's not play games!

What are you talking about? You know very well what I'm talking about.

The fact that you possess a fantastic sexual magnetism!

A sexual attraction that has stirred women like nothing before;

a sexual excitement that even l...

Even l...

Uh, Miss LaMonica... Are you happy, Abner Peacock?

You made me say it.

You have the satisfaction of watching hard-boiled Lisa LaMonica...

panting like some hot-breathed teenager.

Is your vanity appeased? Or are you cruel enough to make me say it again?

Uh, uh, you don't have to say it again.

Uh, what you said there was, uh... That, uh...

Actually, see, I never considered myself, uh...

unattractive.

I always thought I had a certain amount of... uh...

But... not like that.

Yes. Like that.

Abner Peacock, are you or are you not gonna lead America...

out of the darkness of its Victorian sex life?

Yes or no? Well... l...

Don't answer that right now. Let me show you the people who have faith in you!

- Charles. - My dear.

Abner, I'd like you to meet Mr. Twilight, your copublisher.

Your silent copublisher.

My pleasure. How do you do, Mr. Twilight.

Gee, Miss LaMonica was telling me about all the money you've invested.

Nothing. Nothing. It's my prerogative.

Oh! My, what a beautiful office you have. Thank you.

Oh, is this your family?

That's my wife, Pamela,: my son, Craig, Jr.,: my daughter, Pammy,:

and that's the little baby, Cynthia.

Well, you certainly have a wonderful family.

Thank you.

Get out of my way! Don't worry. Don't worry!

What is this nonsense about Evelyn not being on the cover of our first issue?

Osborn, we'll discuss that later.

There's nothing to discuss!

Get into your garter belt, Mother. You're gonna be on that cover.

That'll be the day.! Not on the cover of my magazine.

Oh, so it's your magazine!

Now, now. If there's a difference of opinion,

I'm sure Mr. Tremain and I can settle it like gentlemen.

Nice to have met you, Mr. Peacock. A real pleasure.

See you later, Charles. Ta-ta, Lisa.

What did you think of him? He's just folks!

Come on! I wanna show you something.

Good morning, Miss Love. Good morning.

Good morning, Miss Love. Richard.

An old retired schoolteacher for whom Mr. Twilight has created a new and useful life.

What a wonderful human being.

Now, on to your penthouse.

We haven't had much time. We're still putting it all together.

Uh-huh.

We're gonna keep your pussycats in there.

My, uh, p-p-pussycats?

It's all very obvious, of course.

But then when you're trying to personify blatant sex, it usually is.

Oh, how true.

- Abner? - Uh, oh, oh.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock. It's your household staff.

Uh, uh, my staff?

They were just tidying up your bedroom. That's enough for now, girls.

Your bed.

It is amusing, isn't it?

Uh, Miss LaMonica, I'm sure that you know what you're doing,

but I, uh...

These are your world-famous Peacock Pussycats.

My, uh, pussycats?

Yes, they'll be with you wherever you go, 24 hours a day.

Sherry, Delilah, Toma and Ingrid.

Hi.

Girls, you and Mr. Peacock have a rather heavy schedule,

so I suggest you go to your rooms and start dressing.

Yes, Miss LaMonica.

Their rooms? Yes.

Th-they live right here with me?

Yes!

- I mean, aren't people gonna think, uh... - Frankly, yes, they will.

Miss LaMonica,

this... this whole business of...

- is pretty silly about me, uh, being a... - A sex symbol?

I mean, I'm just an ordinary guy who has a...

well, certain amount of a...but...

I still consider myself a decent, uh... Miss LaMonica.

Uh, M-M-M-Miss LaMonica.

Uh.

Promise me you'll never let me do that again!

Well, l... I-I pro... Promise me that!

If I even touch you, you'll hit me, slap me, anything to stop me!

- I prom... - In the name of heaven, don't let me destroy the...

the independence that I've worked so hard to achieve...

just because for the first time I've met the only man who...

Promise me! Promise me! I prom...

Rose Ellen, it's Abner.

It... It's just like Uncle Amos said Rose Ellen.

I really can't go through life thinking only of myself.

And after everything these people have invested, I really have to go along with them.

B-B-But it's clearly understood...

it's only until the first issue of the magazine hits the stands.

- Then I'm through! - Abner, if you think it's the right thing,

then you must do it.

And Rose Ellen...

Would you excuse me for a minute, girls.

Rose Ellen, promise me one thing:

The day the first issue of the magazine hits the stands,

that very night you'll be sitting on the swing of the old veranda...

'cause someone's gonna come callin' on you;

someone who wants to ask you something very important.

I'll be waiting, Abner.

Miss LaMonica... Perfection.

There isn't a reporter in New York that hasn't been alerted.

But I feel so silly. I'm just not... Oh, yes you are.

You're fantastic. You're simply... Watch it.

Remember the... the promise.

Thank you!

Good luck.

Can you believe that? I hope you didn't overdo it.

The country may not be ready for Abner Peacock.

I'll make it ready!

Everybody, let's hear it for Abner!

Forty million copies! Can you imagine that, Rose Ellen?

Uh, I guess you've been seeing a lot of me...

on television and in the newspapers?

Oh, yes, Abner! You seem to be everywhere do-doing everything!

Oh, no! It's just that I'm worried. You look so thin.

Well, it's not easy, Rose Ellen.

But as I said, an obligation's an obligation.

Poor Abner.

But thank heavens the first issue is out and it's all over!

Well, uh,

th-that's what I called about, Rose Ellen.

You see, Miss LaMonica and Mr. Twilight...

By the way, he's a wonderful guy!

Uh, anyway, they came up with this fantastic idea.

They want to open a nightclub called the "Peacock Club." Isn't that mad?

But, Rose Ellen,

the day after that club opens...

I'll be waiting, Abner.

Those stupid women! Eating him up with their eyes.

Making fools of themselves!

What's it to you?

Me? I just can't stand bad taste, that's all.

That does it! She's fired! She was whispering in his ear!

She was nuzzling his ear! They were never to touch him. She's fired!

On with the show!

Mr. Peacock

Our good man

Mr. Peacock

Turns us on

Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

No one else could be so groovy

You're our shining knight Mr. Peacock

You're so outta sight Mr. Peacock

Love was such a bore

Till you unlocked the door

Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

You're the stuff our dreams are made of

- Gary, Rock and Rex - Mr. Peacock

- Have now become Brand X - Mr. Peacock

Sinatra's turnin' green since you have made the scene

Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

How'd we ever do without you

- You're so super hip - Mr. Peacock

You make others trip Mr. Peacock

When you do your thing Mr. Peacock

You're what's happening Mr. Peacock

Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

No one else could be so groovy

You're my shining knight Mr. Peacock

You're so outta sight Mr. Peacock

- Love was such a bore - Mr. Peacock

Till you unlocked the door Mr. Peacock

Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

Rose Ellen, in God's name, come in the house!

Abner asked me to wait for him, Father.

Charlie, you sneak up and try that again and so help me...

Lisa, you don't understand! I'm not makin' any cheap passes.

I'm on the level with ya. This legitimate!

I want you to be my mistress.

The last thing I need right now is a man.

Sooner or later, you'll need one,

but I'll be waitin'... patient, but anticipatory.

Anticipatory. Is that a new word?

Miss Love gave it to me yesterday.

Good luck with it. Thank you.

Where have you been? Where I am every day:

hiring new pussycats to replace the ones you keep firing.

First there was Sherry because you thought she was nuzzling his ear.

Then Toma because you didn't like the look in her eye. And now Ingrid. All she did...

I know what she did! She was pawing him! It's cheap! Offensive.

She was just removing lint from his lapel.

Don't tell me what she did! That settles it!

This business of all them living with him... That is out!

What are you, Lisa? His den mother? I tell you it's out!

Starting tonight! Who knows what they've been doing up there every night.

I know! He's been teaching them bird calls. That's all that's been going on.

Are you sure, Joe? Are you really sure?

Oh, no! I don't believe it!

You know, with all those women up there all night.

Oh, don't tell me! You're jealous!

Jealous?

I'm so jealous, if any woman even looks at him my teeth hurt.

But he's just a... I know what he is!

He's a little nobody! The kind my grandmother always warned me against.

When you're busy fighting off those big sexy brutes,

it's always the little nobodies who nail ya every time.

He's not for you, Lisa. Of course he isn't!

He's just a little, insignificant, small-town square.

The kind my mother was lucky enough to marry.

I could spend my life in this rat race...

and never run into another one like him.

And why not?

I'll tell you why not.

I'm an all-the-way kind of woman.

It's either a man or a career.

The winner.

Good evening, Mr. Peacock.

Mrs. Dominick.

Come bello.!

- Workin' late, huh? - What are you doing here?

Oh, since the girls moved out...

got kinda lonely.

You know how it is when you're used to having a lot of girls around and suddenly...

You know something? Uh, we've never had dinner together.

- Forget it! I'm busy. - Yeah, well, sure.

Why not?

Abner?

Did you call me?

Now, now, Miss LaMonica.

I made a promise to you, and when I make a promise...

Try and stop me.

Oh, Abner, I want you so much.

I want you every minute of the day...

morning, noon and night.

Does that mean the dinner date is on?

Dinner, lunch, breakfast, everything.

Uh, uh, I'll, uh... I'll go get on my coat then.

Mm-hmm.

Hurry, darling. I've waited so long!

Charlie! Him and not me?

Charlie, let me explain! Shut up.!

Okay, you're a normal broad. If there's anybody you want, it's gonna be me!

Not me or him.! Because if there's gonna be a me or a him...

One word to the boys... There will be no more him!

How wrong can you be, Charlie?

I gotta keep conning him.

We gotta keep him believing no woman can resist him. We got a gold mine, Charlie.

As long as we keep him thinking that he's the hottest thing going.

Well, it sure sounded like... Where's your sense ofhumor?

Me go for a little nobody like him when I could have you?

Come on, now, Charlie.

- It is funny. - Yeah!

One of these days, I'll just blow the whole thing and laugh right in his face.

Listen, you better leave before...

Abner. You don't have to worry about laughing at me anymore.

You're never gonna see me again anyway

Abner, let me explain! No.

Come here, chump. You're going no place!

You hear me? You're stayin'here as long as we need ya.

Ya hear me? Mr. Twilight, I don't have anything against you,

but I'm gonna count to three, and if you don't take your hand off my coat...

I'll count for you! One, two, three.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Let's get outta here. No, we got him into this.

He hit me. Charlie, he didn't mean it!

He hit me! Abner, tell him!

- I gave him fair warning. - Big Joe! Petey!

You better get out of here! Don't worry. So long, Mr. Twilight!

Rest in peace.

Good evening, Mr. Peacock. Good evening, Mr. Peacock.

Charlie, you can't! Shut up!

What's up, boss? Get Peacock!

Mr. Peacock? He hit him. He hit me.

Ice Pick Charlie!

You mean, Mr. Twilight is... That's right.!

- The man! And he's gonna have you killed! - Killed!

Comes love's old song

Comes love's

Old sweet song

Once in the dear, dead days beyond recall

When on the world

The mist began to fall

Out of the dreams

That rose in happy throng

Lo, to our hearts

Love sang an old, sweet song

And in the dusk

Where fell the firelight's gleam

Softly it wove itself

Into our dream

Oh, Abner, I knew you'd come back.

I had to. I just had to see you once more to say good-bye.

Good-bye? No, Rose Ellen, I don't have much time,

and I wanted you to know...

that as far as I'm concerned,

you're... you're just about the most wonderful...

girl l...

Rose Ellen? Yes?

Abner.!

Oh, Reverend Wilkerson! Rose Ellen and I were just, uh...

Uh, listen. I know what you and everybody here must think about me and,

you know, all those women.

We found it very amusing.

Amusing? Yes, Abner, all of us who really know you...

know that no matter how many girls you had around,

nothing possibly could have happened.

Gee, I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, excuse me.

Gee, and I was so worried.

Rose Ellen, look! I really am on the run.

I want you to know if you never see me again...

Run? Abner, you don't have to run anymore.

You're home!

Home?

And now, if any of you thought...

that this year's concert would be without its most famous selection,

you didn't reckon with Abner Peacock.

Uh, Thank you.

Uh, well, all I can say is, uh,

I, uh... It's good to be home!

I know one thing: I'll never leave again.

"Summer in the Meadow" by Eloise Dudley Fetlock.

On a warm summer's day as we wend our way

Through the fields smelling sweetly of heather

As we stroll along let us hark to the song

Of our dear, little friends of the feather

Greeting his guests is the robin redbreast

From the foliage lush comes the song of the thrush

The kingfisher's bark

The gay meadowlark

A turtledove's croon

The laugh of a loon

Is that a snipe

No, a friendly bobwhite

The herring gull's howl Hoot of an owl

Mallard duck's cackle Blue-bellied grackle

A coot, hawk, a crow

An auk, a finch, a swallow

A quail, tit willow

A grouse, a rook, a turkey

But look

There overhead majestic and regal

The king of them all

The American eagle

Ah

I'll write. From sea to shining sea

Abner.!

Stay out of the line of fire!

No, Abner, my place is by you.

Oh, Rose Ellen. I'm sorry I had to do that.

Good-bye.

All right! Get it over with!

Abner, I wish to apologize for anything I may have said in anger.

What'd you say?

I'm just repeating what Miss LaMonica sent me here to say.

You're not gonna... Miss LaMonica made it very clear that...

what the syndicate has at stake with the magazine...

whatever I did to you, it would be nothin' to what my associates would do to me.

Gee, Mr. Twilight!

Abner!

Oh, Rose Ellen.! Yes?

Rose Ellen,

l... I gotta talk to your father.

Excuse me!

You and Rose Ellen going to be married...

my fondest dream since you two were in kindergarten.

I know what a decent, wonderful boy you are.

Thank you.

I know that and all who know you know that, but, Abner,

the world doesn't know that.

In the eyes of the world, you are... well, a rake,

whose amorous exploits with countless women...

Common gossip. Yeah, I know, Reverend Wilkerson.

The first thing in the morning, I'm gonna call that press conference...

and explain the kind of man I really am.

I'm gonna show 'em my citations, my potholders...

Abner, there's just one thing that you must make absolutely clear to them:

And that is, that you are pure.

Pure? It's only fair to my little girl...

that the world knows that the man she is marrying...

is just as virtuous as she is.

Uh, you mean that you want me to, uh,

uh, come right out there in front of all those, uh,

newspaper men and television cameras, and...

and tell them that I am a...

virgin.

Yes, Abner!

Well, what I mean is...

Well, no man likes to come right out and, uh...

Well, look, wouldn't it look...

kinda silly for a man to call a big press conference just to announce that he's a...

virgin.

Abner, you are. Oh, yeah! Oh, sure!

It's just that, uh...

Well, maybe I could get the idea across without actually coming out and saying it.

No, Abner. The truth must be known.

Oh, yeah, but to come right out...

and... and to say it like that, you see.

Lots of times there are women at those press conferences.

I know one woman who will be there... Rose Ellen.

Rose Ellen? And I'll be there with her to announce your engagement.

Well, gee, that's swell.

Say, I know! Maybe we could put it in a riddle,

like, uh, guess what it is that's never... No!

The truth! Straight out!

Straight out, yeah, uh-huh.

He couldn't do that! He just couldn't do that!

He must be crazy! No man would say that in public.

This wouldn't happen if Osborn was running things.

Quiet! Are you sure? I was just with him.

After he told me to call a big press conference, he began hemming and hawing.

Finally, he wanted to know how he could announce he had never had a woman...

without actually using the word.

- Oh, no - Oh, let's not kid ourselves, Lisa.

We'll be the laugh of the century after the headlines:

"Abner Peacock: Leader of the Sex Revolution Is a Virgin!"

A virgin! That's the dirtiest thing I ever heard in my life!

- We'll be laughed out of the business. - If Abner kills the magazine,

you don't think Charlie will let him live?

Everything you've built up.! Everything wiped out the minute he opens his mouth...

and announces he's a virgin.

Unless...

Unless?

Unless when he wakes up tomorrow morning,

he isn't.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

contrary to the erroneous impression the public has of me,

actually I'm a...

Actually, my physical state could be described as that of a...

Maybe if I kept it light, offhand.

Hi, folks! Want to hear something funny?

Miss LaMonica!

Hi, Abner. How 'bout a drink?

Uh, no, look, Miss LaMonica, I've got to be up at 7:00.

Oh, come on. Just one farewell drink.

Farewell drink?

Haven't you heard? I'm leaving the magazine.

You're leav... But, uh,

Miss LaMonica, you made the Peacock what it is!

It's a great magazine! It never needed me.

All that great lover baloney.

Listen, you just have to stay.

Stay? And go through the sheer hell of seeing you everyday, wanting you.

I know what I really am. You made that pretty clear.

All lies, Abner. All lies?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Abner! Here I am alone with you in your bedroom. Will you...

Stop torturing me and have that drink, so I can get out and not go out of my mind.

Sure, sure, sure! Well, uh, here's to you, Miss LaMonica.

But, not good-bye,

just, uh, good night.

All lies!

Good night, Abner. Okay, Joe.

Get him undressed and into bed, huh?

Wonder if there's a good book around here?

Tsk. Gonna be a long night.

Oh, darling, you're so wonderful.

Morning, sweetheart.

Abner?

Come here, lover.

Uh,

Miss LaMonica, uh...

I don't know what to say! Don't say anything.

What are words after what's happened?

I don't remember. You don't remember?

Oh, of course, I remember! I mean, who could forget?

Oh, the sweet things you said, Abner.

I'm so glad it was you!

Now, Miss LaMonica, it's over. Please don't cry.

Isn't that what every girl does...

the first time?

The first time for you too?

I mean... Oh, my God!

What have I done to you? You don't remember?

Oh, of course, I remember. It's just that you should have stopped me!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

I never knew such heaven could exist.

But... But... But the press conference.

Oh, they better not find me here! No, uh-uh.

But, Reverend, I told you, the press conference is off.

And I told you I want to know why.

Miss LaMonica.!

You forgot your, uh, thing. Abner.!

She forgot her, uh... thing.

Abner! Come here.

Just one question:

Are you the same man this morning that you were last night?

Come, Rose Ellen. No, Father, I can't desert Abner.

I just know nothing happened.

In the name of God, Rose Ellen!

Didn't they teach you anything in your hygiene class?

Abner! Don't touch me, Rose Ellen! Don't dirty yourself.

Abner, I don't care what things look like.

Deep down in my heart I know you,

and I know nothing could have happened here last night.

Rose Ellen.

Dear, sweet, innocent, Rose Ellen.

Get it through your head: it happened!

Rose Ellen, there's something about me that you...

There's something about me that you don't know.

What I mean is, I'm cursed...

with, uh, an abnormal sexual magnetism for women.

You?

It's a fact, Rose Ellen. A biological fact.

And I gotta face that.

You know, Rose Ellen, maybe, maybe what happened last night...

was a lucky thing for both of us.

What kind of a marriage would we have had?

How long could I have kept fighting 'em off?

Rose Ellen, go home.

Forget about me.

This is the kind of a man I am,

and this is the kind of life I must lead.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock.

Hi. Abner, I've been thinking, and I think both of us...

oughta wipe completely from our minds what happened last night.

Now that it's over, I feel I can stay with the magazine.

Well, uh, I don't know if I want you to.

- What? - Well, I'm one of those fellows...

who feels rather strongly about his wife working.

Wife! Well, sure.!

We're gonna be married this afternoon, and I've made all the arrangements.

There's the address of the chapel and all the details.

Wait a minute! You wanna marry me?

Well, of course! After last night?

What do you think I am? One of those hit-and-run Romeos?

Abner, what happened last night was mutual. You don't owe me a thing!

I don't? After you gave me...

a woman's most cherished possession?

I don't believe this! Anyway, it's at 2:00.

Abner... And tellJoe Merkel I want him to be my best man.

I'm honored and thrilled, but why are we rushing things? Why don't we think this over?

And after nine months have everybody counting on their fingers?

That's not for Mrs. Abner Peacock.

"His brow is wet with honest sweat. He earns what e'er he can.

And looks the whole world in the face..."

Thanks, Petey. J. Charles... Morning, Miss Love.

I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this will just take a minute.

It's at 2:00. Little wedding chapel on Eighth Avenue.

There's free parking in the garage across the street.

The organist will validate your parking ticket.

Gettin' married, eh? How about that?

Well, congratulations, Mr. Peacock. Thank you, Miss Love.

It's the lovely little girl in Jersey, eh?

No, I'm marrying Miss LaMonica.

Miss LaMonica.! Oh my.!

Oh my! Isn't it exciting?

An office romance.!

Miss Love, would you please excuse us? Why, of course.

I want to personally congratulate the bridegroom.

Well, I guess it won't be long before there'll be a nestful of little Peacocks?

Well, adieu, Charles. Adieu, Miss Love.

And now I'll tell you why you're not marrying Lisa:

because when the preacher says to you, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"...

If you say, "I do," those will be the last words you'll say in this life.

Get outta here!

Hello, darling.

Oh, Lisa, I wanna talk to you.

You know, maybe we're rushing this whole thing.

I haven't time. I have to get a trousseau and maid of honor.

I want to talk to you. No more talk.

The next thing I want to hear from you is, "I do."

Right after you say, "Do you take this woman to be your wife,"

drop to the floor. Drop to the floor?

Don't ask questions, just drop to the floor. Drop to the floor.

What is this? Charles, I forgot to give you your new word for today.

New word? It's incarceration.

- Miss Love. - Edna P. Love, F.B.I.

You haven't got a thing on me! Oh, no?

Here it is in your own handwriting. "My Most Memorable Vacation."

That clears up the Big-nose Schlossburg killing.

"My Most Embarrassing Moment." That's the Fuzzy...

Finnegan. The Fuzzy Finnegan murder.

But don't worry, Charles. I'll keep sending you new words every day.

And just think, when you get out in 20 years,

you'll know over 7,000 new words.

How about that?

Abner, I'm just the maid of honor.

Maid of Honor?

Rose Ellen, let's never mention last night again.

Never.

Dear friends, we are gathered here today to unite this man,

Abner Audubon Peacock,

and this woman, Rose Ellen Wilkerson, in marriage.

Do you take this woman to be your wife?

It's okay now.

It's all right. You can get up.

You can get up!