Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

SHE LAUGHS

No way!

Er... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Honk, honk!

Urgh! Ahh! Uhh!

Are you having a laugh?

Oh!

THEY GASP

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome!

Welcome to the Taskmaster Series 13 grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It has been an incredible journey.

We've all seen athleticism, mental agility,

and chess grand master tactics -

just not on this programme.

But we have seen five fine comedians trying their very best.

Who will rise to the top?

Who will become the emperor of nonsense,

the crown prince of the pointless,

the monarch of being a right silly billy?

Only time will tell. Let us greet them for the last time.

Ardal O'Hanlon... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Bridget Christie... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Chris Ramsey... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Judi Love... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sophie Duker! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, my faithful servant -

a man who once told me after a few drinks that he has

a separate bank account that his wife doesn't know about.

HIGH-PITCHED: It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY GROWL

So up for this! Oh, man, you seem really pumped.

Ahh!

Ah, you love a final, don't you?

Love a final! Ohh.

I'm wearing my combat pre-ripped suit.

And I'm ready, so let's... Cool.

Let's just do it, Greg.

You look really cool. Ahh! Let's just do it!

LAUGHTER

I had a Lucozade, shall we start?

What is the final prize task category of the series, please?

They've been asked to bring in the finest family heirloom.

Ooh! AUDIENCE OOHS

Exactly. The finest family heirloom, in your opinion, will gain five

fine points for its owner.

And, at the end of this episode, the person with the most points

will take home their family heirloom

and four other people's family heirlooms,

which feels so wrong, it must be right.

So, sell me your family heirlooms. Christopher.

My finest family heirloom is an antique Italian coffee table.

It sounds very stylish. AUDIENCE OOHS

It is. Here it is.

It was purchased by my mum's mum and dad in the '70s, I believe.

Surprisingly tasteful for a '70s item.

Yeah. You open the top of that bad boy,

and it plays the theme from The Godfather.

Ooh.

That is a strong opener.

Sophie, can you beat a coffee table that plays the Godfather theme?

I think I can.

It's not Italian... but it is a rice cooker.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! No.

ARDAL: I hope it plays music when you open it.

There's an ancient African proverb.

It goes, "There is rice at home."

When you're a little kid and you go out to the shops,

and you see a chocolate bar, your mum's like,

"There's rice at home."

You see a margherita pizza, your mum's like,

"There's rice at home."

- You see a PlayStation - rice. - Rice. LAUGHTER

Is this the actual rice cooker from when you were a child?

This is the actual rice cooker from when I was a child.

That's quite cute. It's never made imperfect rice,

and it fills up not just my belly but my soul.

Wow...wow!

Don't try and emotionally manipulate him.

I've gotta be honest, Ardal -

she's done a pretty good job of emotionally manipulating me.

Your turn, though. Oh, shit. Can you do the same?

Erm, I brought a, erm, a biscuit tin.

Whoa. Hm.

I inherited that from my mother, who got it from her mother.

And her mother, er, as a baby, arrived in Ireland

with very few possessions in 1917, when Europe was in turmoil.

That's good.

And it's what's in the biscuit tin, I suppose, is what's really relevant

and what's really poignant.

What we were told it was, was my granny's papers, her birth cert.

You shorten that, do you? Just interesting that you short...

A birth cert. You shortened birth certificate.

Birth certificate, like, I mean, we've got lots of time,

I can use the full word.

LAUGHTER

So, the trouble with you is, there's part of me that thinks

you've just made all of that up.

So, I don't mock your ancestry, do I?

Do I go on about the Welsh giants you were descended from?

LAUGHTER

I'll take some time to decide whether I believe any of that.

Bridget. The most precious thing that has been handed down...

..is DNA.

My proudest achievement, the thing that is most precious...

Excuse me, can I just - and I hate to interrupt so early...

Oh, no, that is very rude. You've just...

He made me say the whole word for "cert," so I think

the least you could do is...

LAUGHTER ..DNA.

What, deoxyribonucleic acid?

CHEERING

APPLAUSE Oh-ho-ho!

In your face, Ardal!

My proudest achievement is my children.

I have brought a box with my children's teeth and hair,

and umbilical cord stumps, and pregnancy kits in it.

Yes, she has. And there it is.

And when they've gone, I will have that, and...

CHRIS: Unless you lose tonight.

LAUGHTER

Then it will be given away to one of four virtual strangers.

Well, I don't think they'll want it.

LAUGHTER

It is very touching. Judi?

JUDI: My family heirloom...

LAUGHTER

..is my blood.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

We're really pushing what kids want to inherit.

Well, the reality is my blood's been passed down from generation

to generation, to generation.

And it will continue to pass down.

And if they need more, I can give them more.

LAUGHTER

Under what circumstances would your children need a vial of your blood?

A medical thing, a ritual thing.

And that blood is going to carry on a legacy.

Cos it'll be in my kid's body, their kid's body...

Yeah, but it's already in them. What's this necklace?

LAUGHTER

This necklace is if my blood starts to disappear.

They can still have my blood.

Just so you know, you can store blood for 42 days.

Do you want to... LAUGHTER

Do you want to judge?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The least obvious heirloom is probably

a small bottle of blood.

But I've got to recognise what an amazing bullshitter Judi Love is.

I'm going to give her 2 points.

Ah. OK.

I really want a coffee table that plays The Godfather.

I was touched by the rice maker.

I've chosen to believe Ardal's biscuit tin story.

So, I'm going to give them all 4 points. OK.

But Bridget's - when I saw that little box, I thought,

"Even in many years, I'd be touched by that."

And I'm going to give Bridget a sweet 5.

There we go. Bridget Christie gets 5 points!

APPLAUSE

All right. Right, let's get this final properly under way!

Yes, here we go.

And this is the perfect task to whet the appetite.

Ooh!

SHE SNIFFS Hello, Judi.

What is that damn smell? What do you think it is?

I don't know. Smells like potato.

Oh.

Oh, it just comes off.

Ahh.

Whew.

"Identify the liquids."

"Most accurately identified liquids wins."

"You have ten minutes."

"Your time starts now."

This is foul.

CHRIS: Oh, shut up man. There's summat in there.

Oh, that is grotesque.

Am I supposed to be tasting stuff?

All the instructions are on the items. OK.

Liquid identification is a...

I would say it's a forte of mine.

It's just the main liquids, though.

What are the five main liquids?

The brandy, the water... and the milk.

Er, they're the only three I'm familiar with.

GREG: Ardal's right, of course, there are only three liquids -

the brandy, the water, and the milk.

So, it shouldn't be hard to track them down.

Let's crack on.

OK, well, let's crack on with Chris and Bridget.

BRIDGET: "You may only spray the perfume on your wrist."

Pickled onion.

That's the water from a jar of pickled onions.

Well, that's...it might be vinegar.

"You may only spray the sponge" -

but then, I can do whatever I want with the sponge.

What do you want to do with the sponge?

Sniff it, lick it, tell it I love it.

I think it's like lemon squash, or something.

It's like a strawberry... rosy pink lemonade, kind of thing.

"You may only squeeze the pipette into your mouth."

Is it Pot Noodle water?

Is it beef stock?

It's like watery soy sauce.

OK, I'll put that down. OK.

"You may only push the valve with the chopstick."

That's ridiculous - and it's warm!

It's warm. Why is it warm?

Oh, crikey!

Old tea, I think.

Still got four minutes.

That's tea. Ah.

"You can do whatever you want with the balloon."

Just smells like a balloon.

That looks absolutely revolting.

Oh, it's got bits in it!

BALLOON SQUELCHES

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Oh, there it is. What the hell is that?

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Mm...what are them bits?

Oh, what's happening?

What is that?

It smells like, like a... a yeasty thing.

But why is it that texture?

Is "balloon juice" a thing?

WHISTLE BLOWS Bugger.

Well, I've written "balloon juice".

HE GROANS

APPLAUSE

"Is balloon juice a thing" is going in the Taskmaster Book of Quotes.

Congratulations. Thank you.

And I really loved, "It's warm, why is it warm?!"

Erm, just start telling me what they did successfully.

They both got tea, 'course they did.

Vinegar - Chris actually located it to a jar of pickled onions,

which is very impressive.

He also got stock - he said it was beef stock.

It was vegetable stock. That's fair.

I think we have to acknowledge the word "stock".

So, I think Bridget got two. Chris got three.

Right, we're stopping again. Right now, watch...now!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to our Series 13 final!

CHEERING

Yes, nearly there, and then,

it's the wrap party afterwards, isn't it?

I've heard there's a wrap party.

But I still haven't had my invite to the wrap party.

Bef...before the break, everyone was trying to identify

the liquids we prepared for them.

Now, here's how Sophie, Ardal, and Judi got on.

Urgh! Uh...

Tastes like chicken soup.

That is stock of some sort.

I would say it's a beef stock?

The more accurate, the better. Feel free to...

Right, a Charolais cow - beef stock from a Charolais cow.

That's a fruit juice.

Could be passion fruit?

That smells like lychee... fizzy drink.

It's like...lychee juice.

It smells like... like onion vinegar.

I don't want to spray this on my wrist.

Vinegar.

Oh. Smell like a packet of salt-and-vinegar crisps.

That is liquidised crisps.

What flavour? It's prawn cocktail.

But liquidised? Yeah.

Oh.

SNIFFS LOUDLY

Tea. Tea? Yeah.

You have six-and-a-half minutes. OK.

All right, I believe in you.

I'm going to leave it till last.

"You can do whatever you want with the balloon."

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST

Ohh!

SLOWED-DOWN: Ooh!

SHE SCREAMS

I hate you so much! Right, yeah.

That smells like vomit.

Oh, don't, don't...don't be crazy.

That is renk!

Mushroom, it's mushroom soup.

That is mushroom soup.

"You may only push the valve with the chopstick."

OK, should've done that one before the mushroom soup.

Pop the...

Sophie.

That's just the lid of the valve.

You can take it off. Thank you for telling me.

That is very strong tea. Right.

That's tea. OK.

So, it's really just the pipette.

It's slightly fizzy.

It tastes like ass.

Is it Dr Pepper? WHISTLE BLOWS

Shall we leave it at that. I think so, yeah.

I mean, I'm covered in it.

So sorry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So sweet, watching you trying to get the lid off a bicycle valve

with some chopsticks.

It's like you're playing a whole different game of Taskmaster.

I spent, like, about five minutes doing that.

Yeah, you did. But you did well.

Got lychee, got tea, got mushroom soup, got onion vinegar.

ARDAL: Well, you helped her.

You gave her an extra clue that you didn't give any of us.

What was the clue? He told you that you could use your hand to open

the lid on the valve thing of the tyre.

You would still be there with those chopsticks trying to get that off

if it wasn't for his intervention. I'd have figured it out eventually.

I've got to be honest, Ardal - since you've come out here in

that red leather jacket, you've developed a real attitude.

And you were reckless with the balloon pop.

You were more reckless than I thought -

especially as you thought it was vomit.

Really and truly, it could've been classed as vomit,

cos once it burst, it started to mix with all the other stuff.

And that's really what vomit is.

That's what vomit is. Yeah.

I didn't realise that your nose was such a powerful weapon

in your arsenal.

Lychee - straight. Yeah.

Genuinely impressive.

So, a very cautious woman who's only choosing to use one sense.

Mm-hm. Did pretty well. Yes.

By stark contrast, Ardal just seemed hungry.

LAUGHTER

He got the tea, he got stock, he got mushroom soup -

so 3 for Ardal.

Judi got lychee, vinegar, tea - so that's another 3 points.

Lovely. Sophie got the most, she got four.

Ardal, Judi, and Chris all got three, Bridget two.

So, 3 to Bridget, 4 to Ardal, 4 to Judi, 4 to Chris,

- and 5 to Sophie! - Easy. CHEERING

I would like a nice early scoreboard, please, Alex.

OK, well, we're all hoping Judi will win an episode finally,

but she's currently in last place with 6 points,

and Sophie's in the lead with 9 points!

APPLAUSE

Give me another one!

Of course! Well, here they come.

Three wheels, two horns, a bell, and a vast quantity of ducks.

JUDI: Alex?

Where's Alex?

Alex always helps. Alex!

CHRIS: Hm. Arrows.

ARDAL: Ducks.

Can never have enough ducks.

I feel like ducks are my natural enemy.

Sometimes people mispronounce my name as Sophie Duck-er

and I hate it.

Oh, no.

"Get the most ducks in Alex's basket."

"You may only hold one duck at a time."

"If Alex rings his backwards bell,

"you must walk backwards until he honks his forwards horn."

"Alex will pedal as fast as he can unless you say

"one of the magic words."

"If you say a magic word, Alex will rest for ten seconds." Oh.

"All the magic words are single-use magic words."

"Alex will cycle round the circuit for ten minutes."

"Your time starts when Alex honks his horn."

BRIDGET: You can only hold one at a time.

No, surely not.

GREG: Good. Can I ask you before we watch this -

did you regret this task once you had to cycle lots? Yes.

I've been told that you were in a great deal of pain. Yes.

And I am very much looking forward to it. Right.

Who are we going to see first?

It's Ardal and Chris up first.

That's right, the basic boys ride again!

"Backwards bell, forwards horn."

Magic words.

Just random magic words? HORN HONKS

Oh, my God!

Ah! Alex, come back.

HORN HONKS

Ah.

Here I come.

I don't know the magic words. I don't know what they are.

No. Shazam.

Abracadabra.

Monkey!

BELL RINGS Abracadabra?

No, it's not one of the magic words? No.

Er, fiddlesticks? No.

Flash. BELL RINGS

HORN HONKS

Where are these magic words?!

Shoes. No.

Quack. Closer.

Annoying?

BRAKES SQUEAL Ohh!

APPLAUSE

That was...that was nice.

Duck? Nearly.

BELL RINGS Ducky?

BRAKES SQUEAL

Duckling? No.

Goose? Headboy?

Headboy?

Architecture.

CHRIS LAUGHS I hate you! I absolutely hate you!

BELL RINGS Oh, God.

You still looking for the magic word? Yeah.

OK.

This is absolutely horrible.

Ah...ten seconds.

HORN HONKS, BELL RINGS

PANTING: You're a psychopath... you're a psychopath.

APPLAUSE

Feel really disappointed about not getting the magic words.

You still looking for the magic words? Yeah.

OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A fairly impressive start, I would say.

Which magic words were identified?

Ardal incorrectly shouted "architect".

Well, he shouted 45 things.

Have you got a list? Of course I've got a list.

He started well with shazam, abracadabra, and monkey.

The three big magic words. Yeah.

Very quickly with things like blazers, trouble, shoes, sausages.

So, he didn't get any of the magic words, but he said...

Well, I was very close. You were very close, you were.

I mean, I wanted you to get one so I could have a rest,

but you didn't get any.

But Chris did. Chris got "annoying" and "ducky".

All right, I won't tell you any numbers yet, Greg. All right, then.

We've seen them beetle about after me -

but now, it's Sophie and me, and Bridget, and a trike,

and some ducks!

HORN HONKS

Oh, he's honked his horn. Right.

Oh, one at a time - that can't be right, can it?

I should probably be doing it in a different way, I think.

BELL RINGS

Ah. Now...mm...

Hello.

You all right?

Ahh! Quite a lot of ducks left over there.

Oh, is "ducky" a magic word?

BRAKES SQUEAL

How long do you have to stay there for? Seven more seconds.

Not sure you're making the most of it.

Is there anything I can use to keep you in...

Oh, can I take it off?

I've got to go now.

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Sophie. Yeah? I don't want to run you over.

I have to follow those arrows. PANTING: OK...uh-huh.

BELL RINGS You have to walk backwards now.

Yeah, but I'm here doing this, I'm busy.

Yeah - oh.

It's frustrating cos the arrows are pointing at each other now.

HORN HONKS

APPLAUSE

I don't like this.

Doing really well. Thank you.

HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS

SHE GIGGLES

Frustrating. Thanks, Bridget.

Bye-bye, thank you so much. No, thank you.

BOTH PANTING

You wrote the task.

You didn't have to make yourself do that.

I do everything for him.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is probably a sad indictment on my life,

that I found "I do everything for him" genuinely touching.

AUDIENCE AWWS

JUDI: Ah, that's so sweet!

Erm, there was genius moves going on there.

I thought the reversing of the arrows so that this fool

had to spin before you was delightful.

And Bridget, the ripping off of the basket...

I didn't know it would come off.

I almost stood up and cheered.

LAUGHTER

Cos I knew this tosspot had to carry on cycling round,

while you stacked the b...

My grandmother used to call me a tosspot, genuinely.

Yeah? And then, I thought about what that might mean.

What is a tosspot? A thing you toss odds and sods into...

Oh, OK, I was thinking too much about it, right.

Right, let's leave things there a moment and have a rest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!

Thank you, welcome back.

And listen up - the competition will soon be over, but I refuse

to let things continue until I've seen Judi Love try to fill

a basket on a trike with ducks.

You're in luck, Greg, but I do first want to remind you that they can

only hold one duck at a time.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Here we go, it's Judi Love!

HORN HONKS

Hello, Judi. Can you stop, please?

Not unless you say a magic word.

Thank you?

BRAKES SQUEAL Oh!

Hello, Judi. Hello.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right, I'd like to cycle.

Judi...

The chain's come off.

Broken the bike.

I need to mend the bike.

HE STRUGGLES

AUDIENCE OOHS

What's happened, Alex? Let me have a look.

I don't want you to have a look, you broke it.

But the time's going! I know.

Here we go, all right.

OK, come back round, Alex. I don't like running.

Alex, you all right?

BELL RINGS

HORN HONKS Alex!

Stop, stop. Stop.

Hold on a minute, Alex.

Judi... Judi...

Come on, quickly, we've got 35 seconds.

Alex, get down.

Ooh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well, thank you, Judi.

Is your bike all right now? Yeah, it's good, it's fine.

And this chain's perfect. OK.

Yeah. Thanks, Judi. HORN HONKS

Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, it wasn't a huge surprise to me that you, er,

physically intimidated him.

Felt quite sorry for you.

Thank you, thank you. I was quite desperate.

I didn't notice you handling more than one duck at a time

till afterwards, cos I was so upset about the bike.

I never had more than one duck at a time.

No, what you need to understand -

the ducks felt some motherly instincts from me.

LAUGHTER

They wanted to be nursed in these breasts.

How am I supposed to say "no" to the little ducklings, huh?

How am I supposed to do that?

♪ La-la-la-la-la...

She broke the rules, yeah? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

♪ La-la-la... ♪

She broke the rules and the bike - so unfortunately, Judi...

Judi did get 90 ducks in my basket.

I saved 90 ducks' life!

They weren't in danger!

They were - listen, they were in... They're plastic, Judi!

Yes, so the numbers were that Bridget got all 148 of the ducks

into the basket. Yeah.

Chris actually got more than Sophie, despite Sophie's system, four more.

Chris 65, Sophie 61, Ardal 48.

So, those are sort of the numbers. Yeah. Yeah.

Although, before you score it,

I do have to show you one more video.

Remember how well Bridget Christie did?

She did also do this.

"You can only hold one at a time."

No, surely not.

"You may only hold one duck at a time."

"One duck, one duck at a..."

"Only hold one duck at a time."

That can't be right.

"One at a time" - that can't be right.

One in each hand? No, one at a time.

Is it really only one at a time? That can't be right.

Can't be right, no, surely not.

Right, I've done one at a time.

ECHOING: One at a time...

..one at a time. One duck.

There you go. I'm so sorry.

APPLAUSE

I don't take any pleasure in that at all.

It's totally fair.

AUDIENCE AWWS

Well, that's no fun. LAUGHTER

What a heartbreaking end.

Let's award the points.

Yes, well, it's Ardal, 3 points, Sophie, 4 points,

but Chris gets the full 5 points! There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it time for the final task?

It is - and also, it's time for the final team task of the series.

So, for the last time, let's see the Fab Five face the music.

GREG WHISTLES

Hello, Ardal. Hi.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, Chris. Hello!

You started, have you, Bridget?

LAUGHTER

BRIDGET: Sorry, has our time started yet?

Maybe it has. It maybe has.

OK.

Do you have a hairy chest?

Yeah...well, yes.

I think you look quite dapper.

Yeah. Oh, OK.

Oh, so that's now.

Yes, I wish I did. Can you open the task, please?

"Record the best multi-track song about your team."

Oh, godammit.

"You must record all six tracks with your voice or body."

"And each person must record the same number of tracks."

"Most powerful multi-track song wins."

"You have 20 minutes."

Worth reading the last line, I think, in full.

Erm, do you think? Should we read the last line?

"Your time starts now."

Great. So, one of us could beatbox.

I mean, I could whistle.

Can anyone sing? No.

Well, I have been told a few times that, you know, my voice...

OK, you're going to sing. OK!

Track one, beat. Yeah. Track two, cymbal. OK.

Track three, some kind of rattling noise. Yes, yes.

Track four, vocals. Vocals, yes.

Track five, vocals. OK.

Track six, er, a humming, or some shit.

Yes, yes, I like that. OK.

THEY HUM

SOPHIE VOCALISES

BRIDGET WHISTLES

That's one song right there.

That'll do, that will... We'll do that, then.

ARDAL: I mean, obviously, we're hugely inspired by Taskmaster.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Always keep that in mind, OK?

I do like the sycophantic angle, I really do.

Yeah, but we can't make it too unsubtle, you know what I mean?

Right, OK. You've got to let him know.

Well, we could say we do it sort of for you.

Do it with you in mind. With you mind.

Let's just freestyle. We're like the freestyle house queens.

That's quite good. House Queens. House Queens. That's good.

ARDAL: Something about how unbreakable we are as a team.

What's an unbreakable thing, like what...?

Diamond. Diamond, yeah.

We're actually called The Water Diamonds.

Er, so "by The Water Diamonds".

The Water Diamonds are a band from Fleetwood.

You're joking. No. They're already a band.

The Tungsten Diamonds? Just checking it now.

Why have we wasted at least five minutes coming up with a band name,

when that is not really the most important thing of

this whole godforsaken task?

APPLAUSE

Well, straight away, I think The House Queens seem to be

driven by a baseless confidence.

They were full of confidence.

Bridget went her own way - sure, whistling like my grandfather.

Er, perhaps less confident in the boys.

You sort of had the energy of, sort of, two low-level bank clerks

at a training day.

And they've come up with an uplifting anthem to show you

their love for you - but not too obviously.

Oh, good. I wouldn't want you to show it too obviously.

Here we go.

It's a really old boyband called The Tungsten Diamonds.

CHRIS BEATBOXES

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris, oh, Chris, Chris

♪ Ardal and Chris, Chris and Ardal

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris

ARDAL SCATS

ARDAL VOCALISES

♪ Blood is thicker than water # Taskmaster

♪ That's what they say, that's what they say

♪ But our team juice is even thicker than blood

♪ Er, yeah

♪ We care, we really, really care

♪ In a high five stand-off, we'll take your fucking hand off

♪ Score a hat trick with a yoga ball, stag do banter

♪ We know it all, cooler than ice sliding down a pole

♪ And if you want to aubergine shifted, give us a call

♪ You put an aubergine in my mouth # Ardal and Chris, Chris and Ardal

♪ You put an aubergine in my mouth

♪ But you care, and we want to please Mr T

♪ We love you, Mr T

♪ Everything we do, we do it with you in mind, Mr T

♪ You inspire me...and Chris.

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris

♪ You put an aubergine in my mouth

CHRIS VOCALISES

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.

♪ I love you, Chris

"CHRIS" ECHOES

♪ Ardal and Chris... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I literally don't know what's going on.

I-I don't know what I've just heard.

Annoyingly, the couple of tasks that I rapped about haven't been shown

in the series, so that's... including the aubergine one. Yeah.

So, that's just gobblegook.

Well, that's good to know, cos I literally thought you'd gone mad.

I don't know what he's talking, about this aubergine t...

The women didn't have to do an aubergine task.

I think he's making that up. OK.

I put an aubergine in his mouth!

I don't think we'd make you do that. Yeah! I can't...

You've got to believe us!

It doesn't sound like this show.

LAUGHTER

Right, we've just got one itty bitty part left to go.

I'm going to miss these guys. I don't always say that.

But that doesn't make it any less scripted.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back my dear, dear friends.

It's the final part of our grand final.

Isn't that exciting, Alex?

LAUGHTER

I'm s... I'm so sorry Greg.

QUIETLY: It's OK. We all need to unwind sometimes.

Well, I know, but I should've been concentrating.

Hey, I've got you a ticket for the party later.

JUDI GASPS

AUDIENCE AWWS

Thank you so much.

It's all good, where were we?

Well, the teams are trying to make the most powerful multitrack song.

We've seen the boys make beautiful music -

now finally, here's Bridget, Judi, and Sophie's composition.

♪ Welcome to House Queens

JUDI BEATBOXES

BRIDGET WHISTLES

SOPHIE VOCALISES

♪ Goodnight, your majesties.

SOPHIES VOCALISES

BRIDGET WHISTLES

♪ Come on now, come give me a twirl

♪ We're going to let all our rhymes unfurl

♪ To the boys and girls all around the world

♪ Cos you got to listen to the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream

♪ For the House Queens

SOPHIE VOCALISES

♪ Taskmaster thinks faster

♪ We're going to cook you some pasta.

♪ We're going to take you into the other room and beat you

♪ Until you need a "plasta"

♪ Oh, Greg, what you doing?

♪ Why you sitting there on that throne?

♪ Cos when the House Queens come into the Taskmaster house

♪ You're going to be left all alone

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream,

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ Enter the House Queens... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God. I mean, mm-hmm...

I feel foolish for doubting that that whistle would fit in.

Like a glove! Absolutely slid in.

In the song, I appear to be being fed pasta before you beat me

and "give me a plaster".

Yeah. That's how you show love. With carbs, pasta.

Was there any, any aubergine in this pasta?

No, but there's rice at home, Chris.

JUDI: I never doubted the House Queens.

ARDAL: The House Queens and Bez.

LAUGHTER

BRIDGET: You know, it's...

I've got to defend Bridget,

because Bez never whistled on any of those tracks.

Thank you! She also provided all the percussion, the stomping.

Yeah, the stamping, which was crucial.

That was quite hard to do, actually.

Yeah, the dance style. Oh, yeah. It was unique.

Well, I...

It was more flamboyant than that, Greg.

Do you want to see the dancing again?

I'd love to see the dancing again. Oh, don't.

LAUGHTER

It actually brought me to mind of something that happened

earlier on in the series.

Do you remember a bit when Bridget was walking, and it was funny?

I remember several bits when I've enjoyed Bridget's walk.

Well, it turns out she dances exactly the same way as she walks.

LAUGHTER

JUDI: Can we not just talk about my singing?

The singing was nice.

I mean, they are both cracking tracks,

let me acknowledge that first.

I don't think there would be many people who'd question

the superiority of "One Team, One Dream" for The House Queens.

Going to give the girls 5 points each. Mm-hm.

But I'm going to give the boys a sweet 3 points each.

So, 3 to the boys, 5 to the girls! There it is!

CHEERING

All right, here we go.

Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the series!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Rahh! Still really pumped.

Ohh. Rahh!

Erm, who's going to read out the final task, you silly boy?

I would like Judi Love to read the last one out.

Ahem.

"Draw a life-size self portrait.

"Your nose must be poking through your nose hole at all times.

"Most accurate self portrait wins.

"You have 200 seconds."

So, you're going to be stepping behind your canvases,

poking your nose through the triangle.

So, you won't be able to see what you're doing,

or what you're doing it with.

Place them behind the canvases!

All right. There you go.

We do need noses protruding at all times, Greg.

200 seconds, good luck.

WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off, Greg.

Ah, yes.

I mean, I've got an instant favourite, Greg.

LAUGHTER

Features, features, accuracy.

There are some good ones.

There are SOME good ones.

Ah. LAUGHTER

Remember the features that you have.

And remember the features that ALL humans have.

All human beings have.

Erm, I would say - unless you have a rectangular head,

worth doing an outline.

LAUGHTER

Think about the things you need to be able to see and hear.

OK, you have just five seconds left.

If you look like a giant frog, that's great.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS OK, please, stop drawing.

OK, at this point, I'll ask you to step back on your circles.

Please don't look at your canvases.

Greg, you'll judge, but first of all,

I'll ask Ardal to step forward.

LAUGHTER

Is it like looking in the mirror, Ardal?

Similar, yeah.

Just lovely. Bridget, would you like to step forward and have a look

at your picture?

It's not bad. It isn't bad.

I think I'd get a better idea if Bridget was dancing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Pretty good.

All right, Chris, would you like to step forward and

have a look at yours? It's not bad at all.

It's better than I draw when I'm looking at the canvas.

Are you ready to see yourself, Judi?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

It's absolutely incredible, isn't it?

Look at the eyes and the eyelashes, and look at the eye shadow.

If only you could've remembered the eyes themselves.

LAUGHTER

One left to see - Sophie, do you want to step forward

and have a look at yours? Got ears, I've got the hair.

Got the floating eye. The flowers. No, these are the two eyes.

Yeah, I know that - just one eye isn't on your fucking head.

LAUGHTER

Greg, you've got to judge these.

Do you want me to go from the top?

Let's go from the bottom.

Why are you looking at Ardal?

If the eyes weren't directly on top of the head,

and you got any features right,

I wouldn't be giving you 1 point.

Judi, yours is quite rubbish. 2 points.

I like Sophie's because I think it captures something of the woman -

but I don't like it as much as the other two.

OK, so 3 points to Sophie Duker?

No, I'm going to give 4 points to Sophie Duker,

and I'm going to give 5 points to the other two, cos I think

they really do capture each other.

But there's something of the energy of that that I like.

There we go. So, Bridget and Chris get the 5 points!

Please come down, let's see how that's affected the final scores!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come my friends.

Oh, yeah. What a competition.

Rahh! Rawr!

Yes, so you gave out the scores, Greg. Yes.

And Judi, as we know, has not won an episode.

And you're building up to say that she's...

Well, last again, yes, so Judi... LAUGHTER

..at one end of the leaderboard, it's Judi with 13.

At the other, 22 points go to Sophie Duker!

CHEERING Whoa! Sophie wins the episode!

You're the conflicted winner of other people's precious heirlooms.

Please go and collect your things!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

You join us for the presentation of our hallowed trophy.

In just a few moments, a life will change forever.

So, here we go.

The suspense is immeasurable.

Please, little Alex Horne... what are the final scores?

Well, in fifth place -

but I do need to make it clear she is the highest-scoring...

..loser we've ever had, with 142 points,

it's Judi Love!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On 153 points and wearing a wonderful leather jacket,

it's Ardal O'Hanlon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In third place with 157 points, it's the wonderful

Bridget Christie! Bridget.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And then, they've been trading places throughout the series.

But with 170 points in second place,

we have Chris Ramsey. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. He was right up there throughout.

And just three points behind, this series' winner,

who had 173 points.

Our brand-new Taskmaster champion...

..is Sophie Duker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please take it.

Whoo!

CHEERING CONTINUES

We'll see you next time!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media