Original subtitles

It's like being dead for 10 seconds,

like everything's just gone.

We're in Kalispell, Mt, It's in the

Flathead Valley. It's just really

available. You can go out back and get

a bag of dope, you know, it's just

so prevalent here that it's the drug to

do. And it's not just us punk teenagers.

A lot of people are doing this.

Came from myself.

Yeah.

Holy.

Yeah.

Best feeling in the world. It's just it's

like the biggest head rush in the world.

Like you can't hear for a little bit, you

can't breathe, you can't see.

To understand how we could get addicted

to this. But I feel so good right now,

better than any any sober person has ever

felt the whole entire life. That's what

they don't know.

Who got this stuff? Following me

Gramming Kenny Realty. How much did

that cost, $50 How much $50?

I think you're good dude.

I I used to be a strong, athletic kid. I

was. I run

the mile now I run a

block. I'm tired. So I have

I have stretch marks on my

back from I lost like 30

lbs. It's it's ********. I'm like.

My my muscle tone. It eats

your muscle. But

this all happened in like the first

month if that that it just drastically

affected my body like that.

When was the last time you got high?

This afternoon.

I purchased a gram and yeah, you

smoked quite a bit of it.

It's not even a high, it's it's an

addiction. This is like $35 worth, which

you can't normally get, but and that'll

get everybody high. For how long

Actually, this will get them one bowl and

this will give me one shot.

That's all you can think about. You don't

have any other priorities in life if

you're doing this stuff. You don't have

aspirations to be anything else but a

user, but that's all you end up to be

because that's what exactly what it does.

It just makes you want to use more and

more and more. I mean, I was doing fine.

I had a job. I had a really nice truck,

everything. My truck got repoed. I got

kicked out of my apartment and I was

fired, you know, just and it happened so

quick and even you might have a chance to

realize it happened until it's already

there. What are you doing there, Crystal?

I'm putting in the spoon. Why? Because

I'm gonna cook it. I don't even bother

smoking. Yeah. I can't even get high.

Smoking is never the same. Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing there? Dissolving it.

I was under the impression that that that

that was done to boil the impurities away

or ship. The whole thing is an impurity.

You take it and take the risks with

whatever the heck happens.

I've got to look in the mirror man, I

can't see. Ohh you're still in the neck

buddy. I burst

the two veins in my arms before

so.

Biggest names?3 grams,

4 grams a day, big shots, like half

a gram for one shot and then let's

keep going on and on.

I was a perfectly fine person. I was

skipped ahead in school. I joined the

military. I did everything right. First

day I was back in Montana for the

military. First person that I met offered

me and that's when I started. It's a

head rush. I can't even

describe. It's a horrible head rush.

Self medication. Basically it's just a

way to hide your feelings.

When I look in the mirror, I

discussed it with myself. I'm ashamed

there's.

I don't know what happened to myself.

Wasn't a druggie in high school or

anything like that, I just happened to be

at a party one time where they had it and

I was willing to try it. Because

everybody else did more of a peer

pressure type deal. Before meth, I

had a ton of friends. I was outgoing, you

know, I ran 6 miles every day. I had

the trust from people. I was very well

liked in my community. Meth took all that

away from me.

Matt takes such control over you and it's

something that your body feels it needs

and you're going to do anything and be

willing to do anything to get it.

I would sleep with men for meth, mainly

my dealers and stuff like that. Or my

boyfriend would put me out there to sleep

with men for meth.

After doing a shot of meth, the main

thing to do afterwards was have a hard

sex. Whether it be

them tying you up on the bed

and pouring candle wax over your vaginal

area to put you through pain. The

guys got off on that. You know,

using knives to cut you in any

part of your body just to make

little slits, taking bigger objects

towards your vaginal area. Objects that

shouldn't have been there. One instance

is. They used the bat at one point.

Baseball bat, Yeah.

Yeah.

When I look at myself in the mirror, you

know, without clothes on and I see those

scars, yes, it, it brings up, it brings

up all the memories, you know, all the

horrific things that were done, all the

horrific things that I agreed to do. It

doesn't happen.

Trying to get your next fix.

There's no shame when it comes to this

stuff. You know, you lose a lot of what

you are as a person. You know pretty much

everybody I know who who's involved with

dope. It's all thieving, lying, lying,

cheating and stealing. That's all it is.

This is my kitchen. As you can

see I don't do it very much

cleaning Ohh this is a just dirty

dishes. That's one of my bicycles and

I have a dog and. There in

the yard for him to run around. And some

days it gets pretty bad. You become

uncivilized. If my grandma came here and

seeing seeing my house looking like this,

she'd kick my asss.

Now when I when I go to my grandma's

house up in Rocky Boy, I do nothing but

clean and help her cook. And yeah, she

should beat me.

In my eyes, this is a normal life. The

dope game is pretty much the only thing I

know. I've been doing it as long as I

can remember and. I, I don't know very

many other people when they're 11-12

years old rolling around with a pocket

full of doping. As much money as I **** I

wish I could still be 12 years old and

have the money and dope I had now. Like I

I know it's all going to come to an end

and it's all going to come crashing down

and I'm going to be going to jail for it.

They think when you get like this, you

think that's the only way of life there

is out there and it's not.

It's not a you don't exist. I lived in my

bedroom for the past six years. You don't

exist. You really don't. Shut

yourself out. They always came

first and. My girls didn't

mean nothing to me.

They don't want more. Pretty much after

her kids got taken away from her, she

just kind of went on a downward spiral.

And then it's like ever since he got

taken away, it's been 1 big haze for

just one. One big long stretch of just

getting high and constantly.

They were just, they wanted a mom, and

that wasn't the mom. I mean,

I I want to have a normal life with

Glenn, but it's hard to get out of that

life because it's easy money. It's some

get rich quick. Some

some big use right here which like to

put your drugs in these to sell them.

How much how much stuff do you move?

I like to use.

This right here is a locker. This is what

you put your mouth in.

There's some meth. Crystal meth. Devil's

dandruff is what I like to call

it.

That was a $25.00 that just smoked up

right there in about 5 or six hits.

It was pretty much worthless because now

it's just. So gone and now

I want more. And

it's just pure evil and I hate myself for

just doing it right now, but that ain't

going to stop me from doing more.

If I remember who gave it to me the first

time I did it, I I probably want to shoot

him.

Very first time that they used

methamphetamine, they're in big trouble.

Methamphetamine Jazzes.

The nervous system, this is everything is

speed up heart rate, blood pressure, you

know that everybody knows the term fight

or flight. This the

first time I take methamphetamine. I can

have a stroke. Or it can

have a heart attack. Clearly, if you're a

middle-aged person using meth, you're

just like Russian roulette. And if you're

using big time stimulants that can even

kill a young, healthy college athlete.

For people who smoke or inject

methamphetamine, it's going to hit the

brain very quickly, within seconds. It's

an ecstasy, unlike. Any other drug that

works on the neurotransmitter dopamine

causes dopamine to just dump into the

synapse, start charging all the cells

around it, and it causes an incredibly

fast euphoric rush. This is very much

like the euphoria that people get with

orgasms. In addition to dropping all of

that dopamine out, it then gets into the.

Down and explodes the vesicles that carry

dopamine. So eventually then any pleasure

that a person feels who's using the drug,

they're only getting it from the drug.

Their body ceases to be able to create

that sense of pleasure. People want that

feeling again. People often are self

medicating, trying to get out of their

depression.

I'm going to Chippewa Curry from Rocky

Boy reservation.

Everything is totally different up there.

There's just some traditions that you

stick to, like elders and stuff. Like

people respect the elders a lot, you

know, and stuff like that. But most of

them, you know, ain't traditional

Indians. They don't stick to the

traditional ways.

In the 30 years that I've

been teaching, we've had problems with

drinking using pot. But

I've never seen it escalate

in such a hurry.

Meth is more dangerous. It's so

easy to get on the reservation

and it's cheap. Young kids can

get their hands on it. I'm

afraid we're going to have a

tribe full of zombies. It's just,

it's just so sad.

Methamphetamine is an epidemic on

this reservation.

I don't think the Crow Nation can

stand by and lose a generation of

its young people. This methamphetamine

use is killing us. We have to

realize that. Our kids have to realize

it.

You know, I look, I look back

and history and I look at, you

know, how our tribe has been put

on reservations and smallpox and things

like that, but it didn't wipe out

our reservation. This has been the worst.

And just experiencing it personally, I

mean. I know how

terrible it is. I know how hard

it is to kick the habit. My

biggest regret from using from using math

has been what I've.

What I've done to my children and to my

family. When my mother was on meth, it

was tough trying to take care of my two

brothers, me and him. When we were

younger, my mom and dad would leave us at

the mall from the morning till the

evening till closing just so they could.

Do their do math.

There's one thing I want you to know.

You know, I had one son

four years ago, February 17th, I

lost my son. He

got in a real bad car accident, but

it was because of methamphetamine use.

And that hurts me. You know, I don't

want other parents to go through what I

go through every day thinking about the

son I had, my only son.

I should have been more close to him. I

should have said, son, I love you, Let's

get together and let's take care of this

problem together. I didn't do that.

I should have done that.

People need to know what their kids are

doing. They need to be involved

with their kids.

I I really could not imagine a world

without our tribe in it because um.

Initially.

I'm sorry.

I guess I I think about my children.

And their children's children.

It is you.

24.

Come on, Targee, Margy

Cheese, Gigi, Check. I'm

hoping that Native Americans

and the white society

in the state of

Montana, if they could

just come together and

work together to save.

All our children in getting

rid of this plague that's

upon us, maybe we can.

We can beat it.

Ohh I I lied to my

mom. I I spend way too

much money. I do things I

shouldn't do.

Eventually you just do things to get

money and this is where all your money

goes towards. Like I could have so much

stuff right now. It's them amounts of

money I spend on drugs and people you

owe and people I owe.

I've heard a lot of things about people

doing degrading them. Embarrassing

things.

I never did anything sexual for drugs,

but I watched. I watched other girls do

it all the time. They would or or guys

mostly because one of the biggest.

Connections around here just happens to

be a gay pedophile. So if you're a young

boy and you want to get high, go over to

his house. I don't know, maybe he'll just

sit there and he'll **** *** in front of

you and he'll give you a ball for it.

I was playing with my 10 month old nephew

down on the floor and I had a couple of

eight balls of meth in my pocket and when

I left I got back into town and I

realized that I was missing one of them

and all I could worry about was where my

drugs were at. At that point

I went back to the house to see if I

could find the 8 ball of meth laying on

the floor somewhere without my mom

noticing and when I got there she told me

to leave and the cops were on their way

because my nephew had hung up, picked it

up and had almost swallowed it.

I needed to get high, so I was robbing a

bunch of people's houses. And this guy

woke up when I was in his house and I'd

smashed his face. God had stitches from

one side of his face down to the other

side of his face and. All I was

worried about was getting high and

getting away. I just see prison for him.

The stunts he's been pulled into that. I

mean, I I'm afraid to come home

sometimes. Right there on my head. I have

my head cracked open with a baseball bat.

Somebody thought I had some dope about

people. I can come down and shoot me just

because he's been ripping people off

methods. We made him a demon.

I'll do just about anything for drugs

like still from my own dad, my brother

and I'm. I'm glad I don't have no

kids because I'd probably robbed them of

their futures.

I've shown myself if I had to not. Not to

a guy though. Why

is he still alive?

What they call them weasel.

He is just a crafty sly and he just

has dodged the bullet. It's going to

catch up with him.

Our congressmen have identified the

Cascade County as a high intensity drug

trafficking area. We worked out 24/7.

That's all we do right now with

the emphasis on math because it's our

biggest problem.

Last week we did a series of drug busts.

It's going to be CIA buy at the Lido.

Here's a picture of our friendly. There

you go there, tough guy. A couple who was

in a motel room and had some meth or

narcotics in their room. We located some

marijuana, cash, methamphetamine, scales,

some paraphernalia. Can you hear me now?

So they were selling out of their room.

We gave them the option not to go to jail

today and to help law enforcement out, we

had them call some of their suppliers and

also some of their customers. Well, let

me, let me, let's call Chris, just play

the game. Wedding or get anything?

No. Do you know where to get any dope? He

said about 15 minutes we would take him

down.

Ralph.

On your stomach. All over your stomach.

Ohh.

You called us up and ordered up dope. You

got caught. Game over. You know you had

meth on you. You know you came and tried

to buy dope, OK?

But they really pushed the dude, you

really got to help yourself out here. OK?

I want you to engage in some conversation

with them. 1.

On the ground, but turn off please.

Saucer on your stomach.

Paula was kind of she's obviously an

addict, but she was wrong place at the

wrong time. The night of our bust rested

me, handcuffed me. And I gave them all

the stuff that I had on me. Who else is

slinging dope in my town? Whole town in

Great Falls is slinging dope. But I can't

arrest the whole town except right out of

a complaint against the town of Great

Falls. I'm pretty much you damn near

arrested half the people that are the

main hookups in town. OK, well who's the

other half then?

Local law enforcement alone will not stop

the meth problem in Montana. We can

barely make a dent in it without the

public's help. And again, going after the

demand for meth, it's going to be a

continuous problem.

My mom helped me get into another

apartment. She got me a car. I borrowed

so much money from her, couldn't keep my

own jobs, and my car broke down. I got

evicted. I realized my little brother was

watching me. Go from, you

know, 190 lbs to 150 in a matter

of months. Never seemed to sleep. Gone

for weeks at a time. Just appear for

a little bit to. I don't know,

maybe get food or get something else out

of the house I could pawn?My

parents made me give my dogs away. I only

have nothing, no responsibility

whatsoever. I don't do anything. Just.

Float by I suppose.

It's not just teenagers,

it's not just your

early 20s. It's

women as well as men, but

women who have children. What it

is doing to that environment, I

think one of the most outrageous

effects of methamphetamine is the total

disregard that these addicts have for

their families. When I would call.

There, call it April's house. The kids

were answering the phone. Ohh. Moms in

the bedroom let me go get her.

All I wanted to do was math.

At first I didn't think she was

because I wasn't seeing the effects. I

wasn't seeing the dramatic weight loss.

I had a very good job and

then I picked up meth and it

went downhill from there. I started

dealing meth and found that it made

a lot quicker money than working.

Nobody was working and there was money

and I kept saying April it better not

be what I think it is and it's

no mom, no it's not going on. I

had just separated from my ex-husband and

I was down and thought that might bring

me up.

Yeah, brought me up for a while and then

they came crashing down.

Types of sounding children's toy,

correct? Yeah. Was a

substantial risk of death or serious

bodily injury to your children? Yes Sir.

Is convicted thereon of the offense of

criminal endangerment of felony as

alleged in Count 3 of the information.

When I found out for sure that April

and her boyfriend were using meth a lot,

I became very, very angry with her. Every

conversation was a fight. What the hell

are you doing? If you choose to go

do drugs then that will be your choice,

but I will take your children away from

you. For their safety. There was a

stabbing at my house. He got stabbed

in the face by men that had

kicked in my front door over 14

grams. And then two weeks later there

was a a shooting. No, I don't

belong in jail. Somebody said she was

nothing. But a predator, I think anybody

who has children, if they do not have

that instinct to protect, then they

shouldn't be a parent to begin with. And

I don't care if they're four or if

they're 40 when somebody calls your child

a predator. It hurts.

It hurts.

You have pretty good. You don't get none.

You couldn't.

I'd like to think we're pretty close knit

pounding that crystal laced up nice too.

You have to crack back nice.

It tasted really dopey because that's

really, that's all we have is each other.

But it seems like we've all drifted way

apart. I mean, my daughter doesn't want

my granddaughter around me because of him

and also because of his, you know, effect

on me. With the match for me.

My brother and my sister, they both got

good lives and they both got good things

going for him. And my dad did raise me

good. He taught me right from wrong and

he gave me the choices and I made the

choices myself. And I, I made the wrong

choices because I'm like Kim, like he

made the wrong choices.

This this is really killing my girlfriend

right now. She really wants to try some

of it. But I'm not gonna let

her. One is because I'm stingy

and two is because she's too good to do

it.

Just to see that cloud of smoke.

I want to get high no no.

No, no, no,

don't.

I'll pitch you off worse if I let you.

No, you won't.

Ice is the best when you're pregnant.

I went through. Basically

my whole life. So I really never

was taught anything about drugs. I just

knew that my mom was a user.

The night I first got high, it was

a conscious decision. I was going out

that night to get high.

Me and my first kids dad broke up,

I found out he was cheating on me

and when I took my first hit of

meth it was powerful. It made everything

kind of go away, everything that I was

thinking about. But that first high is

the only really good high that you get.

You never. Feel as good as you did

the whole rest of the time you're using,

you're just chasing that first high and

when the people in your life are worried

about you and you hear people talking

about how upset your family or your

friends are, they're the enemy because.

I looked at it like I wasn't

hurting anybody, not even myself, because

it seemed like anything that made me

feel so good, you know?

Couldn't hurt. I don't steal from people.

I'm not scandalous. I sing. I'm talented,

you know? And then when I'm on

meth, it's not anything you think about

at all, like how quickly you're going

downhill. Within six or seven months, my

electricity was off.

My house was just filthy. I was

neglecting my child because you just

can't connect with your kids when you're

high, you know?I have

had two previous pregnancies and it was

never a problem for me not to use and.

It was just weird how this time.

I didn't. It's like I couldn't control

it. I wasn't thinking what would I do

if this meth would blow up my baby's

heart, You know? I wasn't thinking about

how funked up it would be if my

baby died inside of me.

I would just, I worried about it and that

just drove my that just drove me to get

high more.

Because you don't want to think about it.

And then what if I would have killed my

baby, you know?To

get high.

I'm not. I mean, that's not me at

all.

I'm thinking like.

I just can't even believe I did it.

Can't believe I used meth at all my

pregnancy.

If you look at these

are the ingredients iodine, charcoal,

lighter, red devil lie, hydrogen

peroxide, heat we pour in

our gas tanks, drain or

drain cleaner, the only ingredient.

Here, that is not a deadly poison. It

is the Sudafed, and people are shooting

this stuff into their circulatory system

and consequently into their brain. This

was an exhibit in a trial.

These were found in the trunk

of his car and it included

this butane stove and he could

go out into the National Forest

very isolated. And.

Cook the meth there. And he's not the

only one doing this. He's one that we

caught.

All Rise District Court is now in

session, The Honorable Ted Limpus

presiding. Thank you. Please be seated.

It first matters on the calendar

of the state of Montana. In

count 1, meth is a factor

in 80% of the cases, either

either in cases involving possession,

manufacture or sale or distribution of

meth, or cases involving behavior as

a consequence of. Math.

We first saw methamphetamine five years

ago on a very, very minor scale.

Within the last two years, we've seen

a tidal wave of meth use hit

here in Montana. Today, I would say

80 to 85% of the people in

the jail have some involvement with

methamphetamine.

Like the pod I'm in right now, you're

looking forward to getting beat up,

getting checked out to know if you're a

snitch or not. You know they're going to

be hitting when they're checking. So

basically you're coming into a a whole

different world when you come into the

the jail.

No one here it's kind of like a jungle,

you know? I mean, you know, if you're

like a rat in a boom, you know hey, you

could deal with them If you're talking to

the cops knowing just give them names and

****. I'm boom. No, you hate you get

dealt with. You know broken arms get

through 8. You get thrown off like the

top tiers and anything. You know the

guards can't watch after you all the

time. There's many people here they're

going to make you. Do things that you

don't want to do. They'll call you a fake

it all the time. You could become

homosexual. You can become somebody's

batch. A batch is somebody that will get

stripped down and they will rape you in

jail. They will. They

will do. They will rape you in jail. They

will say you come here with money,

they're gonna cook. And they like that.

Asking to take your asss too. You know,

like John Mccrae. He's not a very nice

person, you know?You

don't. You don't want to become

somebody's ditch. You don't.

It's no good.

In Montana the women using meth is a big

problem. Not that men isn't but they

frequently will start out thinking it's a

good way to lose weight. 2/3 of the women

in our state prison are there for meth.

All young females are looking for

acceptance. They're looking in the wrong

places here and once they get sucked into

this culture it seems to be. Incredibly

difficult to get away from it.

I graduated high school with honors. I

had a scholarship to USC, a sports

scholarship. I chose drugs over that

scholarship. A boyfriend.

And I lost so much of my life because of

that. I'm a 16 time convicted felon.

Before I started selling drugs, I would

sell myself for drugs. I would you would

do anything for the drug, sex, **** ****

things like that. I didn't look at it

as a prostitute because I never received

money. I just received drugs so.

Basically I was a prostitute for drugs

instead of money. I was

queen of a rodeo my senior year in high

school. I didn't graduate high school. I

was short credits to graduate because of

my addiction. The crowd I was hanging out

with, they were the older kids, you know,

they were the seniors in high school.

They were, you know, they were the

popular kids. I wanted to fit in and they

handed me a line. And they said, you

know, it feels great, you'll never want

to go back. And I never did,

you know, I mean, you, you think you have

all this time in the world, but you don't

because then you end up here. And then if

you're looking at time, the extent that I

would go to masking my year analysis, I

would drink bleach. I used to get high

only on weekends. Come Friday, I would

drink bleach go. Through my urinalysis

for my probation officer and walk out of

there smiling and ready to do another

loaded rig, loaded needle full of dope.

It's just the insanity of it. And you

would think after filling that way that

you won't go back to it. That just

makes you want it even that much more.

Because then you kind of start liking the

insanity of it and you find comfort in it

because it's familiar territory for you.

I was so spun and I sat for over

a day on my butcher block in my kitchen

with machete in one hand and knife in the

other on my tip toes.

The disease of methamphetamine use is

addiction. That's the disease.

The secondary manifestation of

methamphetamine use. People can become

Parkinsonian. Problems with movement,

problems with facial expression, problems

with tremor. Affects the math. Changed my

whole speech and everything. I can't.

It's gave me like a lisp kind

of thing. Sort of. It's like, it's

like it won't come out. As clear

as it should. I don't know, it's

chemicals or something did it. It's

changed my whole body. It ruins you for

good thing. Think of the talking thing

that comes like because of your job

doesn't your jaw. It messed

me up. It's going to be long term

effects. There's probably won't go away

some of them. People who use the

drug tend to continue to have negative

effects even with two years of sobriety

behind them. So let's just go through

your mouth really quick. 7 is missing 23

The destruction in her mouth is

catastrophic. The enamel wears away and

is eaten away by this acid of the

bacteria and invariably. Every tooth is

affected, there's very little we can do

often and usually it means that we end up

removing most of them and they end up

with dentures at a very young age. 7

years ago I started using really heavily.

Math has eaten them from the outside and

I will most likely lose all my teeth

before I leave.

Came out great, we don't have to dig for

any little root tips or anything so.

Mess. It tears you down. It tears

you down. Makes

you so unhappy. You think it's making you

happy, but it makes you so unhappy.

That.

Makes you so unhappy that the only time

you're happy is when you're on it.

The come down is.

It's horrible. The worst thing in the

world is the worst depression you will

ever have. All you want to do is just

like slit your wrist. You just want it to

stop. Just anything.

Nothing to make you feel happy. There's

no comfort anybody can give you. When I

see Crystal shoot up, the the main thing

that goes through my mind is what is she

doing? She, she had such, you know, such

a promising career in front of her. She

did top placement in her classes and you

know, all of her courses to be certified.

The police officer and then she just

ruined it for a bit of powder room. Right

now is he has his whole life ahead of

him, but I really don't think he's going

to make it that far if he keeps doing

what he's doing. He's dropped out of

school, got in trouble with the police,

pretty much revolves around getting high

now. He

never looks at you straight anymore. He's

always moving around like his face and

all. He's doing weird stuff. He's spun

most of the time and I've really haven't

seen him sober a whole lot. Graham's

youth started with, even if you were

charged first time with Johnny and his

bedroom, you know, walked in on Johnny

when he was smoking and and got high with

him and pretty much took off from there.

The next day he comes to me, says hook me

up again, man. I said ohh, we got a

little feed do we, you know. And I gave

him a lot of hell and I made fun of him

and called him a friend in a junkie and I

made him feel like a real, real *******

actually. But I still hooked him up. One

day some people got a hold of Johnny,

told him that. That they banged Graham,

they shot him up. I said you shot up

Graham. Do you know how ******** old he

is?And he's ohh yeah

dude, I'm pretty sure that kids gonna be

a junkie, man. Grandma was only

15 at the time and you know he's already

banging. And that's just the beginning of

the end for anybody. Can you look at it?

Look at it when it's happening. Ohh wait,

can you tell me what you're feeling?

Much better.

I don't know. I'm like, I don't like to

look at it. Everything's pretty much gone

downhill from there. If he keeps doing

this, he will be dead before he reaches

30 just because of of how quickly it

escalates and then how fast your

tolerance builds up.

I don't expect Graham to have the

character to turn it around and figure

his life out. I expect him to overdose

on meth.

And I don't want my kids to know this.

This is the reason of my accident,

because of the math. Yeah, I did try to

commit suicide. Math had to do with the

depression. And if I hadn't been

depressed, I wouldn't have been out there

driving like I was. And I would I I

wouldn't have thought of committing

suicide. And. I went as fast as I

could. I was probably doing about 90. I

just cranked it in the ditch as hard as I

could and I had hit a tree. I knew at

that point I couldn't move my legs, I

mean. I knew right now

I knew it.

If I can help one child

out of this, I will.

I'm sorry.

Just look at my own kids

and my gosh, they ever tried

it? I would ohh.

Just I never want to see my children do

this. A verb.

And I don't care whose child it is, you

know, if I can help one child.

It would be all worth it.

I probably wouldn't be clean from us

today had the law not stepped in and

forced me to go to treatment. I went into

in and out of jail so many times and that

never seemed to work.

It took me going to an inpatient

treatment center and I'm on my second or

third outpatient treatment center right

now. Please.

Quarters and session you may be seated.

This is TC05-6 reactive, been a part

of the treatment court programs for

little over a year now. It's an

18 month program. How are you doing?

And it's been difficult, but it gave

me a life that I once had.

What would be your alternative you've got?

Four or five felonies on my record right

now, so that's where I would have gone.

What is a very critical component to the

program is the relationship that the

judge has with the participants because

this is all about accountability and

responsibility. So what happened to your

job?Because I went

to jail. For what

other reason? For drinking?There's

been lots of consequences because of that

decision as the.

So what are you doing? Looking for

another job? You have to have a job.

Would just be sitting around. I

understand that. I became a judge in

1997. Before then, I was the prosecutor

in this county for 14 years. I wasn't in

favor of this program in the beginning. I

thought this is one of those touchy feely

kinds of programs. I have the opportunity

to see these people weekly or every other

week. To go through their whole recovery

program with them and I'm going to let

you go to work. It's the accountability,

them having to come here and confront me

not only about the good things that

they've done, but about the bad decisions

that they've made and to accept

responsibility for that. When there's a

violation, there's an immediate

consequence. I understand we have a

problem here this morning. We recognize

that a person who is in recovery probably

will relapse what he used and he lied.

There's no hearing, there's no delay.

There's an immediate consequence. So

you're going, I'm going to send you to

jail for 24 hours. And you could

be sitting over there for 18 months if

you don't get through this.

And there's also rewards when they're

doing well. You have been in this program

six months sober, but look at what you've

done. You can just list them all off. You

have a place of your own to live. You

have a good job, a steady job. You're

much less fidgety.

We compliment them, we praise them, we

applaud them. What does the blue chip

symbolize? I see the blue skies ahead,

but I'm still going to have blue

days. Six months of sobriety. Well, I'm

very grateful that you're here this

morning. So here's the ear chip.

1st we sat Graham U took Graham to his

little dinner and had the cops arrest him

at our dinner table. Yeah, well you know

you had to get him safe. So then

Graham got to get out of jail free

because ohh yeah, they ran out of space.

So the effort it took me to get him to a

safe spot, I got called how many days

later, Graham?Because they were

crowded. So

that's the help you get.

He's been stuck to me for 24/7 for

the last. Six weeks. He goes to

work with me in the morning, goes to

lunch with me, we tuck him in, we give

him a sleepy time tea. And I've been

doing a lot of counseling and probation

and then. A lot

of stuff. So this is all

overwhelming. I haven't talked to

anybody. I don't associate with anyone

anymore. And it just

hasn't come up. You take a kid that's

a straight, A student that can't even

stay in a classroom now.

Um, that is more

interested on numbing himself.

Then living life. Has

some kind of preconceived notion in his

brain that it's a lot easier to

go that route versus reality. I mean,

he is, he doesn't mean to be.

It's not him, but he's become deceitful.

He lies about the tiniest little things.

I it's, I don't know. I

don't know. You said that you only used

it four times. That's what you said. So

what does that mean? That you don't use

it as much? You use it. You don't use

it. I don't use it anymore at all. You

don't use it anymore at all? No, but I

did do it more than four times.

And so you haven't used meth for how long?

Couple months I guess.

How do you do that? How do you give up?

From what I hear, one of the most

addictive things on this planet. How do

you how do you give that up? Not as

manipulative as you think.

No.

I have my doubts. How could I not? How do

you just use something and then just give

it up? Something that's that powerful,

something that made him do things that he

would never do?So I don't

know is that possible?

I mean, what are we left with? I mean, I

don't have the tools it takes. I don't

have what it takes.

I you know help. There

will come a time where I'm tired.

And when you turn 18, you'll look at me,

and if he's still doing this, he'll say,

you know, I'm 18, I'm going to do what I

want. And then what? Then what do I have?

So I have a little bit more time. If I

have to play the gel or 24/7, that's what

I'm going to do.

How does it all end?

Yeah, I don't know. You tell

me, how does it all end?

My my body is nothing compared to

what it was before. For

instance, my thermostat in my body I can

I'm never warm.

I, I just, I can't get really close to

people because I know people are capable

of. I know what I was capable

of. The

most consistent thing I've heard about

meth is that meth is the devil. That's

the most consistent thing I've heard

about every person. Even the people that

are still using that will tell you meths

the devil and then they'll do it anyways.

But.

I guess I'm just in such a disbelief.

It's so hard to even project how you

feel with such a devastating thing. I

don't know. It's horrible. Yeah. How do

you. How do you?

Tell people how crappy it is. You can't

tell people it's you just don't

understand. You just got to finally take

somebody's word for it that it's ******.

It's going to buck up your life, so why

even try it in the first place? But I

think about that now. I'd shoot myself in

the head before I ever touched that ****

again in my life.