Original subtitles

Brought to you by Aggy Memnon's hot tub robes!

Sorry, Miss Moufflé. I'll check this book out

so we can gasp at this space fantasy masterpiece at home.

At the rate you both read,

better take volume two home, too.

There's a volume two, too?

I don't even wanna be around when you find out

they're making Star Star Throne Quest into a TV series.

- A TV series? - A TV series?

The stars on this planet shine bright.

This Zamien holds favor with too many systems.

It's me, Zamien!

Must not die! Run!

All that, and it stars Giancarlo from Smoldering Cove

as the space-buckling hero Space Friar Zamien?

Do you wanna watch it at your place or mine?

Barry? Barry? Don't you understand?

We can't watch SSTQ yet.

- Why not? - We need to finish the books.

Only then can we fully appreciate this sure-to-be-amazing show.

Okay, you're right. Let's do it.

Well, if you're gonna do this,

you better go ahead and take all 15 volumes.

No one ever said being a fan of something

would be easy or enjoyable. I wheel. You read.

“... floating in the midst of space,

'Zamien knew his Star Star Throne Quest

'was just beginning.”

One down.

Kiff, do you really think

we can finish the series? It's so long.

This schedule accounts for every free second

that we're gonna spend reading

between classes, during recess,

in the bathroom. We're gonna be just fine.

You guys catch SSTQ? So crazy!

Four major characters banished to the Nowhere Zone

- in the first half? - Stop!

I'm reading it first. I didn't account for spoilers.

Sorry. I barely spoiled anything.

I didn't even say that King Krendall

was a sentient black hole.

Why... Why... Why... why would you?

Oh! You're the Chancellor after the battle to save Zam...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay.

There's gonna be another episode on tonight,

another tomorrow, and another the next day.

And outside that door is a spoiler-laden nightmare garden.

But this library is a spoiler-free oasis!

If we read here, any potential spoilers will n...

How long can you keep this up, Kiff?

I mean, I've already given up.

You have?

Yeah. I stopped reading a couple hours ago.

But I could guard the door, bring you snacks.

Thanks, pal.

Uh, we need the Hush Room?

Can't. Kiff's in there reading the SSTQ series

before she watches the show.

Aren't there like a million of them?

Yeah, but the books are full of lore

that casuals wouldn't understand.

Full of lore?

Run along now, children.

Dreams do come true.

Ah, the ratings of last night's ep...

No one watched?

No one? Kenny!

Why isn't anyone watching my new show?

Uh, your show might be tanking

because of the folk hero, Kiff, who is inspiring us,

I mean, everyone else, to read the books

instead of watching it on TV.

Reading? Why read when you can watch...

me on TV!

This Kiff needs to be taken down a peg.

The Portex destroyed.

Zamien betrayed by DarkStar Pirates.

And a clone sits upon the Star Star Throne?

Here's the last book.

Let's find out how Zamien gets out of this one.

Where is Kiff Chatterley?

I'm here to 'spoil' her little crusade.

If you want to spoil Kiff,

you're gonna have to go through us.

So be it....

You should know, I just read the script

for the season finale. I know everything

about SSTQ.

The Blade of Sorrows is a red herring.

...cliffhanger.

So many pages...

I was only seventeen chapters away from the end!

What was it all for?

Captain Clifton is killed by Dwidi.

Now, where is that little nerd?

That means my fan theory was right.

What's wrong, girl? She's shaking.

That only happens when danger's afoot.

Kiff, let me in!

Miss Moufflé, what's wrong?

Or am I?

And my agent said

I couldn't play a beautiful librarian.

Now, which one of you is ruining my ratings?

I'm here to 'spoiler' this for you.

No!

And that is why he never went back!

Why did you do it, Barry?

I'm going home, Kiff.

You sure are, buddy.

You're gonna be just fine.

No, no, I mean, I can go home now and watch the show.

Oh, right. Thanks for saving me.

So, you didn't hear any of that?

Well, I guess I better say it all again.

Giancarlo, how could you?

Zamien would never do any of this.

What? Are you saying I was miscast?

I'm saying Zamien loves books.

He traveled across the galaxy to retrieve the Tome of Bluzinga.

Tome of what?

It's part of his backstory in book six,

which was the worst one, but is integral for Zamien's arc.

Whoa, I... I had no idea.

That wasn't in the scripts.

Say, Kim, how could I get more insights for my performance?

There's always more in the books.

'...and with his cloned infant father

'asleep in his arms, Zamien walked away from the Star Star Throne.

'Thus, the Loop of Destiny was closed,

'enfolding the galaxy, eternity,

and Zamien’s new heart.”

I get it now.

Brought to you by Voice Changer Pro.

Be you, but mysterious, but you!

Ants on a log!

I have ants... on a log!

Ants? On a log? For you?

They’re on a log.

We’ll take two!

I’ll need to sell more than that

to fix the cruddy, old faculty lounge coffee machine.

How'd it break?

It was under a lot of stress.

Mm.

What? You don’t like ants on a log?

I used to love these as a little bird.

Everything looks healthy, but none of it looks good.

Hey, look, Helen has a table.

Health Muffins. Buy 'em, don’t, I don’t care.

I bring coffee from home now.

Helen, this is delicious! Mm, mm, mm!

I think I’m in love, mm, with a muffin.

So, you want to join the 'Helen’s Muffins' Sales Team?

Before you do, I’ll need you to sign these NDAs.

Wait, we don’t get to bake?

No, I’m the 'Muffin Lady.' I do the baking.

You’re the salespeople.

Oh, yeah, then no. I wanted to bake.

I’m excited to see you doing something positive for once.

I think the world of sales sounds exciting.

Muffins! Muffins! Get your health muffins!

They’re good for you!

Ooh, yum! I’ll take ten.

I’ll take 11!

Look, Bar, it’s Tippy from Let’s Table That!

She needs a muffin.

Hey, Tippy, uh, how about a free sample?

While that does sound lovely, I already had a treat today.

Oh, not like this one. It’s healthy.

It’s delicious, and it’s good for you.

Oh, well, in that case...

Oh, my, my, my, my, my!

Welcome to Let’s Table That.

Joining us today is the creator

of Table Town’s latest health craze,

Helen, of Helen’s Muffins. But before we bring her on,

I understand she made an ad! Let’s take a look!

What?

Wow. Wow! And now, introducing the witch

behind Table Town’s newest health craze,

our resident Muffin Lady, Helen!

We’ve gotta start by congratulating you

on how quickly Helen’s Muffins has taken off!

It’s been such an amazing journey, Tippy,

and I did it all by myself!

Ask me anything. I’m an open book!

Well, you’re juggling making a treat that is so delicious,

yet so healthy. What’s your secret?

What? I’m not telling you my secrets!

I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.

W... Why not?

Not here. Meet me after the show.

Principal Secreta... Mm.

I think he wants to be mysterious.

Hello, Mysterious Character.

So, you wanna talk about Helen’s muffins?

Listen carefully.

The only way to get to the truth

is to focus on 'the ingredients.'

The ingredients?

Yes. And ask yourselves, what’s really going on

beneath the muffin top?

Ah, I’ve said too much.

Why didn't you tell us that at the studio,

Mysterious Stranger?

I was hungry! You don’t mind paying, do you?

I lost money on the bake sale this year...

I mean, the stock market.

PS away!

Well, I’m off to whip up a new batch

of these miracle health muffins.

- Great! - Great!

Oh. Whoa. Holy smokes.

Tell us, Professor Totsy.

What terrible things are in this muffin?

I... I can’t.

Why not?

I can’t because according to science,

this isn’t a muffin...

It’s a cupcake!

- A cupcake? - A cupcake!

Oh, no.

What? That’s a very serious accusation.

And very wrong of you.

Of course, my muffins are muffins!

Says so right here!

Oh, give it up.

We had them scientifically analyzed!

Fine, you’re both fired. And you signed the NDA, right?

Yes! But we don’t know what that means.

It means you can’t say anything bad about my muffins.

Why would anybody sign something like that?

I really don’t know.

Barry, I don’t think I can let this stand.

It’s not right!

An oven thermometer?

I think... Is this some kind of reminder from Helen not to talk?

Eh, what’s the message? Is it like 'the heat is on' or...?

Eh.

Either way, free thermometer.

No. This pathetic attempt at intimidation

has only strengthened my resolve.

We have to let the public know what Helen is up to.

Tippy Snooker.

Tippy, I’m calling with a tip off.

A tip off for Tippy.

I’m listening.

What if I told you I have a story

that’s gonna crack Table Town wide open?

Uh, well, we usually do slice-of-life type of stories.

What if I told you that Helen’s Muffins

are actually... cupcakes?

How soon can you get here?

- Were you followed? - No.

- And your informant? - He’s safe.

Good. Let’s get you both mic’d.

Okay, places, please. In five, four...

One moment. I’m sorry, but our bombshell

muffin-cake exposé was just shut down

by the powers that be.

Shut it down, people!

Wait, what?

Who are the powers that be?

Me... am the powers that be.

Glarbin?

Yes.

Glarbin, you can’t do this.

We have to tell people the truth.

Do we though?

If Tabletonians discovered that the healthy muffins

they’ve been eating are actually cupcakes,

it would destroy public faith in our basic institutions.

People need something to believe in.

- But the cupcakes! - But the... But the cupcakes!

Sorry!

Oh, welcome back to Let’s Table That.

I’m your host, Tippy Snooker.

'Rubbing your belly while patting your head.'

Science fiction, or the latest teen craze?

We investigate.

Oh, it’s not over yet.

- Here are the cold, hard facts! - The muffin is no muffin.

It’s a cupcake, everyone! It’s a cupcake, not a muffin.

- It is instead a cupcake. - A regular, sugar-laden cupcake.

Well, I’m sick of it! Deal with it, Mom!

I am done with muffins.

Oh, my gosh, Helen.

You’re ready to do the right thing, finally?

The what? No.

Now, that I’m the Muffin Lady,

my agent will only send me out for silent baker roles.

I’m never making a muffin again.

You never made a muffin to begin with!

- The power of protest. - The power of protest.

The ants are the raisins.