Original subtitles

"The host will let you in soon." Okay.

Oh, what's going on here?

Samantha and I have a "Zoom meeting."

Our editor is giving us "feedback."

Sorry for the industry jargon.

I'm in publishing now.

Hello?

Hi, Sharon. Uh, good to see you.

Oh, this is on camera.

I'd just assumed it was an audio call,

given Samantha's choice of blouse.

All right,

let's talk about The Other Founding Father:

The Isaac Higgintoot Story.

I read the manuscript.

That means "book."

And I have to tell you, I didn't like it.

Oh! This is your fault, Samantha.

- I loved it. - I did it. Me.

That's amazing. I'm so excited.

Not as excited as I am. I can tell you this now.

I had to fight for this one.

We usually do trashy schlock

like vampire novels... Dreadful.

And beach reads for horned-up housewives.

I'm listening.

But this, this is a real book.

In fact, I got several interested nods

from David Remnick at a dinner party

at Balthazar last night.

These fancy-pants New Yorkers.

Gimme a twice-baked at Tony Roma's

and I'm a happy pappy.

So, what are the next steps?

Oh, well, we're looking at a spring launch.

Probably do a little book tour,

maybe some morning TV.

Oh, my God. You're gonna meet Hoda.

But in the meantime, we'll need to have one of our people

verify your primary sources.

But I'm your primary source.

I was sort of hoping that the copious notes

I took would suffice. The actual

primary source documents are incredibly old.

I-I wouldn't want to risk sending them.

Don't worry, we'll come to you.

Our authenticator is a pro.

He will handle them with care.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a Zoom about an erotic vampire novel

called Bitten and Smitten.

What about appliance erotica?

Is that a genre?

Could that be a genre?

They shouldn't need verification.

Everything I told you was true.

Yeah, it's shocking that they won't

take a ghost's word for it.

The Maytag Chronicles.

Writes itself.

What's Jay doing in land ship?

Shame-eatingSonic.

Oh, he has a whole system.

He eats in his car so Sam doesn't see.

Then three pumps

of spray to mask the onion rings.

Then he gets out, leaving the windows

open, of course, to air out the Mini.

What about the bag? She's gonna see the bag.

Oh, don't you worry about the bag.

He puts it in the outside trash bin.

But not on top. Like the true sociopath he is,

he lifts the top layer of garbage,

tucking said Sonic beneath.

All for naught, because we're going to tell Sam

he had fast food.

But, damn it, you gotta love the effort.

- Jay, look out. - What?

He's about to step on that poor little snail.

It looks totally fine.

But his foot went right through it.

Oh, my God.

Thor can touch it.

Does that mean that that's...

Yes.

Ghost snail.

Hey.

What are we going to do?

They're going to pull the plug on the book.

I'm going to be the laughingstock

- of the publishing world. - Hey, babe.

Just getting back from the gym.

I worked the traps and the lats.

And the tots and the onion rings.

I love this guy, but who does he think he's kidding?

Jay, we have a big problem.

The publisher wants to see our primary source documents

and is sending someone here to verify them.

But your primary source is a ghost.

And he's accurately diagnosed the problem.

Wait a minute.

There might be a solution.

It's a long shot,

but when I was alive, I kept a diary.

Isaac says he kept a diary.

Ooh, good gasp.

What? Where is it?

I hid it at Fort Ticonderoga,

the site of my legendary and heroic surrender to the British.

I know exactly

where I put it. This is incredible.

But there's no guarantee it's still there,

and even if it is, it could have degraded by now.

But there's a chance.

If I had listened to that kind of naysaying,

I never would have successfully surrendered that fort,

nor led the brave retreat at Bunker Hill.

This guy was unrivaled when it came to running away.

Oh, thank you, Sass.

Isaac says it's at Fort Ticonderoga.

I used to go there

with my Pinecone Troop.

Oh, the cobblestone can be uneven.

It's a little dangerous. Although, not as dangerous

as some of our other field trips.

Fort Ticonderoga's

only like three hours away, babe.

Let's go get that diary.

- I'll come. - Pete's in, too. I'll drive.

Shotgun. Shotgun.

- Sorry, Pete called it first. - Well, I was joking.

He's a ghost.

Sam, ghosts sit in the back.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

Ugly. Oof.

ALBERTA [laughing]: Oh, a ghost animal.

It's been a while since we've had

one of those around here.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

Very rare.

Most animals go right up because hearts so pure.

He must be one bad snail.

What did you do,

little guy?

I shall call you...

the Escarghost.

Ooh, I get it, 'cause he's a ghost

and he was by the car.

He's so cute.

I think I'm going to keep him as a pet.

Why would it be your pet?

Maybe I want it to be my pet.

And let's not bring up

the whole "my son killing you" thing again.

It's getting played out.

What if we all took turns

with the snail? Like me and

the other groupies did with David Crosby,

who wasn't a pet, but he had a lot of back hair.

Count me out.

I don't want him.

I honestly don't get the whole pet thing.

Pet is animal that live in your house

until one day, you eat.

Like Balder,

my loyal and delicious goat.

How many animal friends did this guy eat?

No, I understand what a pet is,

I'm just not interested in having one. It's dumb.

Wasn't your obituary photo

of you and your dog?

That was my parents' dog, and honestly,

I wasn't that into him.

You have to walk them and pick up their crap.

That was also the downside to David Crosby.

Okay fine, let's go with Flower's "share the snail" plan.

Yes, very fair, we all get turn,

and Thor promise not to eat it,

even though snail look delicious

and Thor not eat food in a thousand years.

See, it's that second part.

It's just not as reassuring

as maybe you're intending.

But I say "not eat."

Even though Thor want to.

Mm-mm.

That secondpart.

The name "Ticonderoga" was derived from an Iroquois word

meaning "between two waters,"

or "where the waters meet."

I'm just saying, the whole concept of shotgun

is sort of dependent on the fact

that everyone can hear each other.

You'll get it on the way back. Stop complaining.

If he calls it first when we're headed to the car.

The rules are very simple.

Now, if you'll all follow me, I'll show you

a Revolutionary-era tallow candle

that still has a wick in it.

Let's go.

Hang back.

But... the wick.

Jay, we need to find the northeast gate.

Isaac says he hid his diary

under a loose stone, three paces from

the end of the wall.

I feel like I'm in National Treasure.

I frickin' love this.

Oh, here's a ghost. I got this.

Hey, I'm Sam. Yes, I can see you.

I fell down a flight of stairs.

Two weeks in a coma,

woke up with the ability to see ghosts.

Sam, I can see this guy. Hi.

Hey. Oh.

I think he's a re-enactor. You see the Nikes?

Dead giveaway.

We're looking for the northeast gate.

It's right over there.

And he's got an energy drink.

That's another clue.

So, here's the end of the wall.

Okay, one, two, three.

Then it should be right here,

unless Isaac's got really tiny steps.

How tall is he? I don't really know him.

Try to find the loose stone.

Hurry up,

the next tour's gonna be by any second.

I think I found it.

Honestly, I was hoping it would be

a little bit harder, like a puzzle to solve.

Oh, my God.[gasps] We found it.

Okay, let's go.

- Shotgun. - Shotgun.

Sorry, Jay.

Oh, come on.

This is ridiculous.

Say it faster next time. You snooze, you lose.

Uh, Jay?

We have a problem.

There is absolutely

nothing useful in this diary.

What? That can't be true.

Jay?

"Monday, April 4th, 1775.

"I had something called a sandwich today.

"Apparently, they're all the rage back in England.

Don't think they're gonna catch on here."

Okay, not prescient,

but no one can say Isaac Higgintoot

was afraid of taking a bold stance.

The next entry is four weeks later.

"The sandwich is not growing on me."

Huh, so nothing

about the war or the birth of the nation?

I swear I wrote

something about George Washington.

Oh, you did.

"I saw Washington eating a sandwich today.

He seemed to enjoy it."

Damn it, Isaac, this is all sandwich talk

and mutton pie recipes.

Where is the stuff in the book, Isaac?

Where's all the stuff you told me?

This is crazy.

I thought I wrote it all down.

How do you not like a sandy?

Did you try turkey or roast beef?

Ooh, don't say "roast beef" in front of Sass.

His girlfriend left him to smell Arby's.

Thank you for rallying to my defense.

You know, it's possible I was trying to limit

the revolution talk in case the British won.

You just don't want to leave a paper trail.

We literally need a paper trail.

That was the whole point of us

going to get this diary.

What's in here won't help us at all.

Yet.

Ooh, Jay's cooking something up.

We have a 250-year-old diary with mostly blank spaces.

What if we just fill in the blanks?

You mean forge the diary? That doesn't seem ethical.

What ethical? We got the real guy here.

I mean, maybe he's here,

based on what you've told me

and what I've chosen to believe.

Jay's right.

It's all stuff that happened to me,

and it will be my words.

Well, to be honest, about being dishonest...

hold for laughs...

I think it's a good plan.

I mean, the diary itself is already old,

and that would be the hardest part to fake.

Okay, but who's gonna do all the old-timey handwriting?

Oh, Jay's actually really good at calligraphy.

He took a class to do our wedding invites.

Aw, thanks, babe. Anything for you.

Jay's a wife guy. I was a wife guy.

But my wife was a Jerry gal.

So, what do you think, babe?

Are we gonna rewrite history?

It looks that way.

Ah, to the inkwell.

Huzzah!

We have fun.

Thorfinn,

hurry up. It's my turn with the snail.

Okay, everyone.

Stay calm, but...

Thor might have lost Escarghost.

Thor. Did you eat the Escarghost?

No, you must believe me.

Thor not eat delicious-looking snail.

It's just not as persuasive as you want it to be.

Thor, I don't think I can be with someone

who would do something like this to one of God's creatures.

I mean, the man's probably murdered thousands of people.

Snail is where you draw the line?

Exactly. Well said, Trevor.

Flower, please.

As sure as Heimdall guards the Bifrost,

Thor not do this.

I ain't buying it.

This is low, even for you.

That snail was

our pet, Thor.

I didn't eat snail!

Okay, I took him. I took the Escarghost.

- What? - You did?

He's right here...

safe and sound.

But why did you take him?

Well, Thor was talking about eating him,

and I didn't want the little guy to get hurt.

Look at that little punim.

You just said you didn't even like animals.

I was lying.

What kind of a person doesn't like animals?

I friggin' love 'em.

Then why did you lie?

It doesn't matter. What matters is,

I'm not letting anything happen to this little guy.

And the fact that none of you knew where he was

for the past hour

just proves that he's better off with me.

Mm...

This is exactly what happened with David Crosby.

Marla got super possessive and then, suddenly,

the rest of us were fighting for Stephen Stills scraps.

It was dark, man. Ugh.

All right, guys, this might be an all-nighter.

Sharon said the authenticator will be here in the morning.

"The Authenticator."

Sounds like a WWF wrestler.

Live from Madison Square Garden,

it's "Macho Man" Randy Savage versus The Authenticator!

- Pete, it's just very loud. - Okay.

- What am I writing? - Okay, let's start with,

uh, Lexington and Concord.

We have a whole chapter about that in the book.

April 19, 1775.

Okay, have him write this:

As I survey the battlefield, I am aware

of the smell of gunpowder

and the moans of agony from my fallen comrades.

Okay, "As I survey the battlefield,

I am aware of the smell of gunpowder..."

"And the moans of agony

of my fallen comrades," let's go,

the authenticator will be here soon.

To verify your ass!

Maybe this is why your wife was a Jerry gal.

Jay, why have you only written,

like, two words?

Calligraphy is hard.

This is why Penelope Adelman-Huffnagle

didn't make the cut for our wedding.

Ah! What's going on up here?

We're forging Isaac's diary from the Revolutionary War.

Oh. That sounds even more interesting

than watching the water heater.

I'm in. Now get this down.

The British had us surrounded on both sides,

like two slices of redcoat bread on a rebel sandwich.

And we're back on sandwiches.

And as I lay there dying,

a profound thought occurs to me.

Perhaps I should have washed my hands.

Relatable. Relatable.

Hey, Sharon. Yeah.

I, uh, I just got to the house.

I'll call you once I test the Higgintoot materials.

Okay.

Hello?

And that does it.

Nicely done, Jay.

This guy's good.

That looks amazing.

- I can't believe we did it. - Did what?

Geez, how many times do you people need this repeated?

We forged Isaac's diary

because the original was useless and there's an authenticator

on his way here right now.

But this thing looks legit.

I bet we get away with it.

Why are you telling me this?

Uh, Sam... You don't look familiar.

Do they hide you behind the water tank or something?

He's not one of us. He's a Living.

Yeah, he's got shoes.

Must be nice.

Sharon sent me.

I'm the authenticator.

The Authenticator!

From the top rope!

Sorry, it's a bad situation.

Humor is how I deal with things.

All right, Trev, what's going on?

I'm just giving him some time in the shaft of light.

Then we're watching The Cutting Edge.

Shelly loves a rom-com.

You obviously have a deep connection to animals.

So what was this all about? Why were you acting so weird?

At first, I didn't want to get close to the snail.

I didn't want to bond with him.

Because I didn't want to let him down.

I didn't want to let him down like I did Bucky.

Bucky?

You know that dog, the one from my obituary photo?

- Oh. - Well, he wasn't my parents' dog.

He was my dog.

And he was my best friend.

Not much of a competition.

I mean, your other friends dumped your body in a lake,

but go on. Every day,

when I would get home from work, Bucky would be right there

at the door waiting for me.

He would jump up on me,

and I would tell him he was a good boy.

But then one day,

the day I died,

I never came home.

I just feel so guilty.

He was never anything but loyal to me and I let him down.

It's not like you went on vacation, Trevor.

You died, and that's not your fault.

Dying's not any of our fault.

In my case, it was Hetty's son's fault.

There it is, she worked it in.

You not coming home that night,

that was one time in a lifetime of you being there for him.

Thanks, guys.

Poor Bucky.

I still wish I could just tell him that he was a good boy

one last time.

Try to remember all the good times you two had.

Because I'll tell you this, that's what Bucky remembers.

Or remembered.

He's doubtlessly worm food by now.

Oh.

I'm sorry, no.

Your dog is 35 years old.

My bad.

Sharon, I don't know what to say.

SHARON [over computer]: What were you thinking?

I put myself on the line for you.

- My boss is gonna be furious. - The truth is,

I had a real primary source, but there was a flood

in the basement and it got destroyed.

The ease with which the lies just fly out of her mouth.

Whatever.

We can't publish a nonfiction book without sources.

I'm sorry. The book is dead.

And with it, my legacy.

Isn't there anything we can do?

You liked the book, Sharon.

Could we repackage it as historical fiction?

You said you guys mostly do fiction anyway.

This is not the kind of fiction that we do.

Our audience needs something juicy

they can sink their teeth into.

And that gives me an idea.

The storyteller to the rescue.

The Storyteller!

Body-slamming illiteracy!

That was my best one.

And that was The Cutting Edge.

Pretty good, huh?

Hey. Listen.

I was carrying around that stuff for a long time.

Thank you for helping me face it head-on.

Maybe I can't say it to Bucky, but I can say it to you.

You're a good boy.

Oh, my God.

Uh, it's happening.

Uh, guys, uh, get in here, quick!

The shaft!

Trevor's getting sucked off.

I think I am.

Last one in,

first one out, boom! T-Money.

What about Carol?

Think he just talking about main eight.

I'm gonna miss you all.

What's happening to me right now,

I want this for every single one of you.

Shouldn't Trevor be midair by now?

Look.

The snail.

It's floating.

Oh, damn it.

He's moving so slowly.

Sorry, Trev.

Uh, this sucks.

Hey,

Isaac, uh, we just got off the phone with the publisher.

I heard. The book is dead.

Well, it might be undead.

What do you mean?

What she means is that they want to tell your story...

provided your story

involves you being a vampire.

I am sorry?

Look, here's the deal:

because we lack the proper primary sources,

the only way they're gonna publish this book

is if it has some sort of YA twist.

So, I'm a vampire?

My idea. You're welcome.

But everything else is the same?

Mostly. Some small tweaks.

Like, the reason for the Revolutionary War

wasn't taxes and representation.

It was that there was too much garlic around.

What?

Vampires don't like garlic.

No, I know that.

This just isn't my story.

Y-You'd still be there, doing all the same things.

You'd still be outside the signing

of the Declaration of Independence.

Ooh, you might have to adjust that,

because of Isaac's vulnerability to sunlight.

I don't want to be a vampire.

I don't blame you, they suck.

Sam, can you tell Jay I said that but include

Isaac's setup, otherwise it won't make sense.

- Does he love it? - He's processing.

Look, Isaac, the cool thing about fantasy

is that it's a digestible way to tell really complex stories.

Vampires hide

in the shadows

because they're afraid of what people will think of them.

Hmm?

Well, I suppose I can relate to that.

Plus, a book about a delegate

to the Second Continental Congress,

is anyone gonna read that?

But a book about a delegate

to the Second Continental Congress

who can turn into a bat and terrorize the Freemasons?

Oh. Because they wouldn't let me into their club.

I like that.

Could I also drain the blood

from Alexander Hamilton while he begs for mercy?

We're the ones writing it.

And this is the only way they're gonna publish it?

Yes.

Let's give it a try.

Let's educate the masses

in the only way they can tolerate.

He's in, Jay. It's all systems go

on Colonial Vampire: Isaac Higgintooth.

I'm sorry, did you say

"Isaac Higgintooth"?

It's a working title.

Well, I don't like it.

I love it. Ah!

He did a Sharon.

Huzzah.

Hey, buddy, sorry,

this is taking a very long time, and...

I got to head out.

But you-you got this.

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