Original subtitles

♪ If you're lookin' to get a good thing ♪

♪ going for yourself ♪

♪ a house and pool, a new Rolls-Royce ♪

♪ and some degree of wealth ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ take a ride out west ♪

♪ to find the freedom that you crave ♪

♪ kick that 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ don't let them make you a slave ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ too many girls will catch your eye ♪

♪ make you lose your mind ♪

♪ it's a paradox ♪

♪ California is so fine ♪

♪ Malibu is calling you ♪

♪ her days are nice and warm ♪

♪ you can find excitement ♪

♪ any size, shape, or form ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ then when the toys that you dreamed of ♪

♪ finally come ♪

♪ they all will break ♪

♪ and you're back where you started from ♪

♪ take a ride out west ♪

♪ to find the freedom that you crave ♪

♪ kick that 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ don't let them make you a slave ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ la la ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪♪

Aah! Aah!

[Woman speaking Italian]

Was there anybody inside?

No. It's empty.

Just a lot of books and stuff.

[Speaking Italian]

Eh?

Hey, what's she saying?

I'm asking, why you want to kill people?

Why?

Well--

hey, lady, nobody--nobody got hurt.

I got hurt!

I'm almost frightened to death.

Who owns that car?

Tell me so I can put you in jail.

It's--it's my car.

Oh, you're the one.

Criminal.

You want to kill people.

You push the car down.

Hey, lady. Hey, take it easy.

You're the one that bumped into US, lady.

Look, you bumped into US, see?

Fire--fire!

There's a fire! There's a--

better get this car out of here.

My--my coat.

My wallet.

Hey, watch it!

He's on fire!

Go--go get some water with monster.

Pour it.

Pour it. Pour it.

No, no. I--i meant on the pants.

Thank you.

May I ask you...

Are you-- are you insured?

Insured?

Yes. Insured.

Why insured? I don't care if you're insured.

I am insured.

You pushed the car. You set fire to it.

Then you ask if I am insured?

What do you want?

You set--you set the car on fire.

[Man] Yes, you did. With a match.

I did?

And you made it, uh, come down the hill.

What did I do?

I'll tell you what you did!

You threw that absurd, grotesque painting of yours

into the ocean!

Which is probably the only sensible thing

you've ever done in your life!

Then you waddled into this big, stupid car!

Then like a complete imbecile,

you hooked your bumper--huh?

Your bumper on the Fender of my car,

and you literally forced it to come down the hill

to burn and destroy my every last possession!

And on top of which, I practically go up in flames.

Madame, in 30 seconds, you've managed to wipe me out.

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

I--i... [Muffled]

There's no need for that.

If you'll just give me--

oh. The insurance.

Oh, I'm sorry, but--ha ha.

Please, come to my car.

We go to my apartment.

To get the insurance.

Hee hee hee.

Ha ha ha.

[Laughing]

I'm sorry, but it is so funny.

Please, come in.

It's nice, no? Nice apartment.

Here, give me that.

Do you like my posters?

Oh, yeah.

I like lions.

Please, excuse my apartment, but I have no maid.

I had one--Monique-- but she wasn't happy.

She left.

Would you like something to drink?

Uh...yes, yes, i--i would.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make the drink.

Why don't you go find the insurance?

You said you had them on file.

Oh, on file. It is in my bedroom, then.

File in the bedroom.

Do you want a drink?

No, no, no.

These paintings, are they yours?

Yes. All of them.

It was very cruel and unkind,

what you said about my work.

Ooh.

My painting is superior.

It is first-rate.

Yes.

Oh, damn, damn, damn.

I cannot find the papers.

I--i don't know where I put them.

We'll look for that later, hmm?

Ah, I know what I'm doing.

Excuse me.

I cook for you.

I'm a marvelous cook.

I can do everything.

I do...Chinese, Japanese,

um, Italian, French.

What do you like? Eh?

And I said to myself, why not?

If I don't become a movie star,

I'll still see the United States.

Maybe I'll never get the chance again.

So I came.

Were you in a lot of pictures?

No. I have been only in this one.

It was called something in the air.

[Speaking Italian]

They use a new process.

It was aroma-rama.

You could smell it.

Uh...

Smell what?

Smell the picture?

Yes. For miles.

They fix up the theater

so that with every scene,

there was a different smell.

In one scene, I lured this man to a small Rose garden,

and the audience was supposed to smell roses.

They pushed this, uh, uh-- this, uh--

spray.

They spray the Rose.

The smell of roses.

But they make a mistake.

And the audience smelled fish.

Then the man chased me through the fish market--

they smelled roses.

No. They smelled gas, from the suicide scene.

The producer lost all his money.

And I didn't become a star.

Also, I'm a terrible actress.

I cannot act.

You want?

I cannot pretend one thing when I feel another.

I'm too emotional.

Uh, what do you do now--

I mean, for a living?

I live.

I live a rich life.

I have my work, and, uh...

And for me, that is everything.

Well, I'd like to live a rich life, too.

We must all live a full life. A rich life.

Insurance?

Insurance policy?

Don't worry about insurance.

In the morning, I will speak to my patron.

Your--your patron?

Yes. Tomorrow.

And tonight, you will sleep here-- with me.

And now...

To bed.

Listen...

I live here alone.

I let you sleep in my house...

Because... I know you will...

You will not make a stupidity, eh?

You will behave.

With some men,

the woman... Is not secure.

But you're not such a man.

I'm--I'm not, huh?

No. You're a friend.

Ciao.

Ciao.

[Doorbell buzzes]

[Man] Laura?

Laura, open the door.

[Buzz]

[Buzz]

Laura?

[Knock on door]

[Knocks]

Laura, wake up. Open the door!

[Knocks]

Unh!

[Knocks]

Where are you?

Open the door!

[Knocks]

[Knocks]

Unh!

[Knocks]

[Knocks]

Hey, baby, where are you?

Honey, it's me--rod.

Laura.

[Knocks]

[Knocks]

Laura, will you open the door?

Excuse me. Wake up.

Laura, wake up.

Listen, there's someone at the door.

Will you wake--

I'm sorry.

Would you wake up?

Laura, listen.

There's someone trying to get in.

Would you wake up, please?

There's some--

[knocks]

What are you doing in my bed? You rapist.

[Speaking Italian]

Just a minute.

Your patron's at the door.

Huh?

Go out, out, out. Go out. Out.

No, come. Come get your trousers.

You forget the trousers.

Put them.

[Knocks]

Laura.

[Knocks]

Baby, will you open the door, please?

Go out. Out.

Go out.

Here, take this.

Wait, wait.

Honey, where are you?

I'm getting tired of standing out here!

What took you so long?

Oh, those sleeping pills again.

Oh, sleeping pills.

How many times have I told you

not to send these idiotic letters to my house, huh?

What would happen if my wife had found that?

If Diane had read that letter,

it'd be 86 for you and me, baby.

What is the meaning of 86?

86--over, done, out, finito, capito?

I'm beginning to think you're a mental case.

Here, drink this. Wake up.

Let's get some fresh air.

No, no--no, please. Don't do that.

You know, i-- I can't do nothing.

[Sobs]

Now, let's go to bed. I'm tired.

[Sobs]

I didn't know you were coming tonight.

You got to stop taking those pills.

You've got to stop being so dependent on me.

It's becoming an obsession with you.

I can't live without you.

I can't, I can't--

[bottle bangs]

What's that?

I bet Diane's had me followed.

It is always Diane.

If i--if I had--

shh. Shh.

It is a marauder.

Marauder? It's a private dick.

I'll take care of him right now.

Alright, how much is she paying you?

What?

My wife.

I'll pay you double.

Uh...

Well, you're not a--

what are you doing here?

Um...

Well, uh... Ahem.

Laura, maybe you'd better come out here

and introduce me to your guest.

Yes, uh, I want to introduce you to m-Mr...

Uh, Carlo. Carlo cofield.

Carlo cofield and--and, uh, rod Prescott.

Uh, how do you do?

I have my good days and bad, but I do quite well.

How do you do?

I'll tell you what happened,

and you don't think anything bad.

The car of Mr...

Cofield.

Mr. Cofield.

The car of Mr. Cofield--

the--the car, it--it bumped into...

My car.

And, uh, it rolled down the hill.

And everything burned-- the clothes, and, uh--

hmm?

My trousers.

And even the trousers.

Yes, I noticed.

Sweet.

We come here for the insurance.

But he had no place to sleep.

I did the bed here, and I went in the other room.

The bed?

Go on.

It is the truth.

Okay.

You mean to tell me you believe it?

Well, it's the truth... Isn't it?

Of course. Every word of it.

Then why shouldn't I believe it?

Well, I don't know.

See, I wouldn't, uh, believe it.

Oh.

[Speaking Italian]

It is because you don't love me.

Only a fool could believe it.

Or someone who didn't care.

Why have you no jealousy for the one you love?

He's my lover. He takes me when he pleases.

We're mad for each other.

I'm not her lover.

[Speaking Italian]

What--what is your line there, lover boy?

You a dance instructor?

Paid escort?

Hairdresser?

Where are you going to sleep tonight, fella?

I have no plans.

Nor do I have any funds

because your, uh, your lady friend--

I have a wonderful idea.

You take this blanket down to the beach.

You'll recognize it. It's covered with sand.

[Speaking Italian]

Good morning.

Hi. How you doing?

[Woman] Hey, wait for me!

Hey, watch out! Look out!

[Man] Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Watch it!

[Woman] Oh, no!

Hey!

[Man] Hey!

What's the matter?

Jennie! Jennie!

What happened to him?

Yeah?

Come here.

Stand back, everybody.

Give him some air.

What happened?

I think he got a bruise on his head.

Who is he?

Call a doctor.

Yeah, that's--that's right.

He must've taken a lot of water.

Give him some air.

Thank you.

Uh, don't worry.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

What happened?

That's the fellow in the car.

What'd you do to him?

I don't know, lady.

Bring him this way.

It's alright.

I'll take him to my apartment.

Please, come up.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Thank you very much.

No sweat, lady.

[Ring]

Yes? Hello?

Oh, rod.

Uh--

yes, it is here. The briefcase.

I will bring it over this afternoon.

Don't forget to ask him about the insurance.

You have found the insurance?

Hold on.

It's a company car, you see, for the tax people.

It's for the government.

The government?

What government?

I don't understand you.

No, I don't understand you!

You said you would get the insurance!

Item? What is an item?

I'm not an item!

Tell me, the car's insured, no?

You see, I can't put in a claim

without dragging your name into it.

I don't want to do that.

What am I going to say?

What am I going to tell him?

Tell who?

You mean he came back?

But it's my fault. I--

would you tell him to get lost?

If he causes trouble, I'll get the lawyers onto it.

Goodbye!

What did he say?

I am so ashamed.

You know, the insurance.

What--uh...

What are you doing?

He would not get the insurance

because of your government.

It could not be in my name.

I have no name.

I have no existence.

I'm an item.

A tax-deductible item.

I don't know how you say it.

His wife gave him that.

She has no taste at all.

Hmm?

How much does he make? Money.

Money?

I don't ask. I don't care about that.

I don't know.

He works for a swimming pool company.

He's the president.

He's president of seaspray swimming pools.

Incorporated?

Seaspray pools.

President. Rod w. Prescott.

Alright, Mr. Prescott.

My--bag.

It's not very much.

No, it isn't.

My car!

You drive.

Where are you going?

North Bundy drive.

Wait a minute!

Jim...

"Mr. Magoo" backus.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you excuse me?

Yeah...

Uh, something I can do for you?

Uh, Carlo cofield, seaspray pools.

Oh. We're the backuses.

This is Jim, and I'm henny.

Backs, huh?No. Backus.

This is our property.

Seaspray swimming pool?

I'm sorry. We decided against it.

What the hell is going on here?

I know, but a fella--

look, we've been thinking of putting in a demonstration pool,

our super galaxy model for publicity purposes.

Publicity?

Like in magazines,

like in homes and gardens?

That's exactly what we had in mind.

If we let you put the pool in, my wife--

yes, and there would've been a substantial discount, too.

But, uh, it's a shame.

It was going to be the super galaxy model,

and I'm afraid it's a bit luxur--

well, I'm afraid it may overbalance the residence.

Uh...

I'm sorry. I didn't--

you've got to be kidding.

Young man, we're going to have

one of the finest homes in the area.

I want to show you the blueprints.

Hey, wait.

It's Jim backus, isn't it?

Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry.

Terrific to meet you.

And Mrs. Backus.

A real pleasure.

Want to hear Mr. Magoo?

Ha ha, by George,

I'll show you the blueprints...

Friends love me at parties.

He was working for seaspray pools then, wasn't he?

Yes. He was president,

and then five, six years ago,

we fell deeply, deeply in love,

and we make our plan to marry.

Did you?

No, we could not

because rod is too fine.

He's too good.

[Honking]

[Cursing in Italian]

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

It's o.K. I'm a good driver.

Yes, uh, I know.

You know, his wife is an invalid, you see?

Polio.

She's bedridden for many years.

He cannot leave her...

Not until she is stronger.

And you say this has been going on for, uh, six years or so?

Yes. Four, five, six years.

He's too much man to leave her,

and I'm too much woman to leave him.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Uh, two, please.

Leave your number. I'll have him call soon as he's free.

Oh, just a minute, please.

Hello, Mrs. Prescott. How are you?

Fine, thank you, Myrna.

Would you tell Mr. Prescott I'm here?

Yes, of course.

Mr. Prescott, Mrs. Prescott is here.

Mrs. Prescott?

Yes.

Diane Prescott?

Yes.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Prescott.

Good morning.

I'm, uh, Carlo cofield.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Um...

Rod and I saw service together.

Oh, really?

Yes. He's a terrific guy.

Yes.

He's--he's told me so much about you.

I somehow feel very, very close to you.

I am sorry.

What did you say your name was?

Cofield. Carlo--

oh, Helen, thank you so much.

Would you like a cup--

[arguing]

Of coffee, Mr. Cofield?

It ruins our corporate image.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, some sugar, uh...Helen, please.

Carlo.

Rod.

How are you?Fine, fine.

Sorry I kept you waiting.

No, dear. Mr. Cofield has been most amusing.

Oh, good.

Where have you been hiding him?

He's been around for a long time.

It's Carlo.

What did you--

it's about these miscellaneous expense vouchers.

I've been with the accountant,

and he assures me--

one minute. Carlo, why don't you come in, sit down?

I'll be here in three minutes, o.K.?

Darling, I have--

would you take this-- uh, barker, do me a favor.

Carlo, excuse me.

Ethyl, would you take Mrs. Prescott down to Mr. Henderson's office?

He'll handle that. I'll be back in five minutes.

I don't know what you're trying to pull, cofield,

but I don't like it.

What were you trying to say to my wife?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

We were just chatting.

It occurred to me once or twice to compliment her.

Compliment?

Mm-hmm. On her progress...

Her progress against the dreaded polio.

Oh, I see.

Laura, huh?

Oh, you wouldn't--

that's right.

What are you saying?

Excuse me, Mr. Prescott.

I hate to interrupt you,

but you told me to take those papers and Mrs. Prescott--

the door, please. The door.

Uh, into Mr. Henderson's office--

right. Take the papers with Mrs. Prescott.

Mr. Henderson isn't there.

Well, fine. Can't you see we're talking here?

Give US five minutes.

Now you were about to say something.

Yes.

Excuse me.

It's okay about the other thing,

but what about the demonstration pool?

If we can't install it until the 27th--

later, barker.

I can't handle it now.

Take it up with Henderson.

He's out.

Well, find him. Sorry, dear. Be right there.

Los Angeles?

No. That's San Fernando valley.

You wouldn't be trying to blackmail me, would you?

Oh, no. Blackmail. Ha...

Well, what is it you want?

Uh...

Every, uh, everything you've got.

Everything I've--

that's my--

right.

But I'm willing to work for it.

Work for it? Doing what?

Selling pools.

You?

This is a highly specialized business.

You can't just sell a swimming pool like--

[buzz]

Yes.

Backus? No, I don't--

yes. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

For you?

Darling, please. Can't you see--

darling, I want to get down to--

can't you just go to--

why don't I wait right here?

Mr. Backus? Yes. The super galaxy.

Super galaxy?

I don't know whether we can get it in so quickly.

Four weeks?

Three.

Three weeks it is,

what are you talking about?

I'll have to talk to our beloved president.

That's great.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Mr. Backus.

Made it.

Uh, rod, could I talk to you

and Henderson for a moment?

Oh, yes.

Uh, darling, I'm sorry,

but you can see we're awfully busy.

Can't we talk later?

Of course.

Goodbye, Mr. Uh--

cofield. Carlo cofield.

Cofield.

I'll see you soon as I can, sweetheart.

Barker...

What's on your mind?

Right. Ah, my coffee.

Well?

I want a job.

A job?

What are your qualifications for a job here?

Look, all great salesmen are nothing more than

just a collection of personality defects,

the morality of a sieve,

the charm of a schizophrenic,

the sensitivity of a rhino,

and the, uh...

The scruples of a blackmailer.

I'll admit I've got a couple numbers to learn,

but with you as a teacher, I mean, how can I miss?

Hello, there.

Hi. How ya feeling?

Fine.

Sorry about your car.

Yeah.

The one that burned up.

We had to move it out of the road.

Had to wait till it cooled off, though.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Hey, Millie, look.

Hmm?

You remember how I lost out to that creep from Pasadena?

Which?

In the Mr. Greater L.A. contest. Because of my glutes.

His glutes.

Glutes?

Yeah, well, dig madame lavinia.

Madame lavinia?

Madame lavinia's forecast for that day.

Yeah.

Pecs, abs, glutes.

"May 22nd-- avoid overconfidence

and impulsive decisions."

That's all they talk about.

"Go back over the recent past and repair mistakes.

Finish up odds and ends that were postponed."

Um...pecs?

Pecs, abs, glutes.

She's talking about my glutes.

Millie gunder.

What?

I'm Millie gunder.

Oh.

How do you do? My name is Carlo cofield.

If I'd seen this forecast in advance,

I could have toned my glutes.

I said what was wrong with your glutes a year ago.

S-e-x, old buddy.

Hey, mon.

Simple as that-- s-e-x.

Give me an adjustment, will ya?

[Cr-r-r-rack]

Monster used to be a chiropractor

until he did it to somebody too hard.

Ruined his practice.

You really should cut down on it.

I tell ya...

Sex steals away strength like a thief in the night.

That's a crock, and you know it.

Well, ask anybody.

Ask anybody with an I.Q. Over 8

if sex doesn't destroy the body.

Hmm... Ah, baloney.

[Cr-r-r-rack]

Um...

What's her name?

Malibu?

Yeah. Malibu. Oh.

She's the one who conked you in the head.

I know.

What does she do?

She--she's a skydiver.

You're kidding.

She's a sky--

yeah.

She jumps out of airplanes...

With a parachute, right?

Yeah--afterwards.

She falls for a while...

You know, the chute bit.

Oh.

Tell me, is Malibu, you know...

Is she going with any--

uh-huh.

Yeah.

Harry.

Harry.

See you later. I got to run.

When we get to carmel,

we'll have the whole weekend together.

How long have you been here?

I don't know. Maybe an hour.

I just came to return the suit.

Thank you.

I see you have new clothes now.

Yes, i--

here, let me. They're very smart.

The watch.

That belongs to rod. How--

I borrowed it with the clothes.

Strega. Hmm.

I'll have my coffee now.

What are you doing?

I had a hard day at the office.

Ah.

Rod says you're working for him now.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And you stay here again?

Yeah.

Now that you have a job,

why not go to the hotel like a normal--

because, uh...

A "normal"

doesn't lose all his possessions in 48 hours.

Besides, you owe me six hours sleep.

Please, put it down.

But don't worry.

I am not, uh, such a man.

I am a friend, remember?

Now that you have a job,

what you will do?

What do you want?

Some cream.

You know what I want?

A box of 25 monte cristo panatellas.

I want a king-size vibrator bed.

I want a 35 hasselblad,

a Rolls-Royce convertible

with full power, air, and four-way seats.

I want driving gloves

made from the underside of antelope ears,

a bold men's Cologne for the man who does something for women,

a cashmere jacket that's going to get me there--

get where?

Doesn't matter...

Where the action is.

I want to live a life of understated elegance.

A hi-fi set with 300 component parts...

And, uh, vicuna underwear--

a yamaha big bear scrambler--

and 12 credit cards...

And a window seat in the first class of cosmic airlines,

and...

Hmm.

Huh?

I don't think you'll have any trouble.

Then I had another idea.

This was something. This was a real winner.

The old man wouldn't buy it.

There's this guy-- zak rosencrantz--

he's a boss astrologer-- he's got tremendous flair.

He calls himself madame lavinia.

Madame lavinia?

He's got this following--

hello.

Hold it.

Cofield here.

Yeah. Right away. Go ahead.

He wants a pool. You won't--

hello?

Carlo, ah, you must come now.

What is the address, please?

Please, uh, please, the address.

11872 mountain view road.

Thank you.

Mountain view road, 11872.

I told you I'd help you.

But we must hurry.

Right. Be right over.

Carlo.

How do you like it?

Oh, it's terrific. Really terrific.

This is Mr., uh--

Sam lingonberry.

Carlo cofield.

Wonderful place you got here.

Man's castle.

I always dreamed of such a place.

Right.

Well--

he has a deal for you.

Deals are only good--

come see the garden.

If they're good for both parties.

Have a cigar.

We at seaspray pools have always maintained a policy

of making sure--

look at the view.

Oh, it's-- yeah, it's very beautiful.

Right.

And it isn't even a clear day.

You know, you can find that--

uh, what's that?

Well, what's it look like?

Well, it looks like you started a pool,

and one of our competitors let you down.

We at seaspray have never had an incompletion.

I'll tell you something--

we could finish that pool in two weeks.

That's not a pool. It's a bomb shelter.

A bomb shelter?

Yeah. I started digging it

during the eisenhower administration.

Then I stopped digging during the Kennedy administration,

and now I'm wondering if it's big enough.

Um, Mr. Lingonberry, you got a family?

Sure.

Then think of your kids.

Build that pool so you can see them frolicking in the water.

You got it.

Great. Great.

How marvelous.

On the pool's bottom, you'll have a dolphin--

you'll be very happy in this house.

Uh--what?

You can move in tomorrow.

Didn't you just buy it?

I'm not buying. I'm selling.

It's for you. It's perfect.

Show him the car.

Wait till you see the car.

Wait--wait a minute.

I can't afford a house ora car.

Ah, you're putting yourself down.

You need a car like this.

Mr. Lingonberry, listen, we could put a fabulous pool--

it's a total dream.

I know you're going to be sold.

You can't afford not to. Come here.

This is a moment that gives me a thrill every morning.

Huh? What about this?

Very nice, but I can't make such a commitment.

Commitment? You should do commitment.

All men should do commitment.

Right. What do you mean, commitment?

Banks make commitments, and they're on every corner.

When are you going to stop running?

You know, this is $27,000 worth of automobile.

Now, it happens I just took delivery on this one

to make that one part of the package.

How's your arithmetic?

Not very good.

I've got $100,000 mortgage on the house.

Now, I've got $75,000 buried in it as it sits.

Buried where?

I mean, it cost me 75,000.

That means I made $25,000 profit on the loan.

Now, I'm going to put you in the rolls here at low blue book,

which is 12,500.

Oh.

That means you've got 12,500 coming to you.

Keep it.

Thanks.

Uh, coming to me?

Why would you want to do that?

Why? Don't you know anything?

The 12,500 is yours for buying the house--

the difference between the 75 gs the house cost me

against the 100 grand I borrowed against it,

minus the 12,500 for the rolls,

which means...

12,500 for you!

Uh...

You mean, I'm going to get 12,500 cash?

Yeah.

For me?

Yeah.

That's crazy.

It's crazy.

Homeowners are crazy, the banks are crazy...

Cofield, can everybody be crazy?

Where is the rug of-- what you call the zig-zag horse?

The zebra.

Let's try it in the corner, please.

That's it.

Carlo, I'll give you some of my paintings.

Very nice.

Mm, it looks nice here.

Maybe we forget the couch.

What do you think, Carlo?

Carlo...

Um, easy, Harry, huh?

Nice to see you.

Look out for the chair.

Just a little bit further.

Can I give you a hand?

I've got it, Mr. Cofield.

Where do you want it, lady?

In the kitchen.

No way.

Uh, Harry, tell you what,

I'll plug it in. You shove it over.

That's the way. Very good.

Uh...

Almost got me.

Uh, great.

Uh, Harry, are you-- are you alright?

Yeah, sure.

I better water this.

What do you mean, Mr. Cofield?

Nothing. You just looked a little drawn.

Oh, Laura...

Uh, uh, Laura, listen,

will you show Ricardo where I want...

Carlo.

Carlo!

Hi.

Hi.

It's a...

Beautiful view, isn't it?

Yes.

Ooh.

Sorry.

You're a... Skindiver, aren't you?

I mean--i mean a skydiver.

Yes.

Yes.

Must be very exciting,

being a skydiver, I mean.

I imagine it would be.

Yes.

My company wants a publicity stunt--

a parachute drop into a pool.

In fact, this pool that we're building here.

It will be quite spectacular.

The super galaxy ad, it would--

it would--it would pay very well.

Would you be interested in something like that?

Carlo?

I'll ask Harry.

Carlo!

Coming!

I'm sorry, Carlo, if I interrupt, but, uh--

uh, Laura, don't think you met Malibu.

Laura califatti. I remember you.

Yes. You met at the beach.

Oh, a black and white awning.

Exactly what I had in mind.

Excuse US for a minute, Malibu.

Do i--you know-- do I look o.K.?

What do you mean?

I mean--you know--

do I look tired or anything?

Tired?

What do you mean?

Harry, listen, I wouldn't worry about what I said before.

It was just an impression.

I'm probably wrong.

And it's really not that important.

Yeah, but, Mr. Cofield, it is important

because I've got this west coast big boy contest coming up.

I see. Yes, it would be important.

Mr. Cofield...

What do you think about this...Sex thing?

Sex thing?

Isn't it--is it true what monster says?

Uh...uh, right.

Let's put this down here.

Thanks a lot.

That'll be nice.

Well, I can only show you the price that I have to pay.

Mr. Cofield, are you sure it's because of that?

Well, I'm not 100% sure, you see.

It's a very complex thing.

It has many medical overtones to it.

Just the other day, I was talking to madame lavinia about it.

Wait a minute.

You know madame lavinia?

I went to school with her--

uh, with him--with her.

I got a great idea.

Why don't I arrange a private reading for you?

I'm sure it wouldn't hurt.

Excuse me.

This is Mr. Cofield's house?

Hi there!

Madame lavinia?

Heck no, it couldn't hurt, Mr. Cofield.

Right, Harry. Excuse me.

Well, nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

This is Harry... And Ted.

They're helping me move in.

Helping me get settled.

Oh, I think you'll love the view.

Yes, it's, uh-- thank you--

a beautiful view.

As a matter of fact, I think you'll find...

Who is, uh...

Uh, I don't know.

It reminds you of the east.

Yes, very much.

Tell me, Mr. Cofield,

how do you happen to know that miss cannelloni?

You mean, miss califatti.

She's an interior decorator,

and she's helping me with my home.

Really? Yes.

I don't know her work.

She doesn't do a lot of work here.

She usually works in Rome and Italy, you see.

That's interesting.

Yes.

Miss Prescott.

Hello.

Rod and I were thinking of redoing our house.

Maybe she'd like to offer a little advice.

I don't think so.

Unfortunately, as soon as she finishes this job,

she's off to Rome again.

She's been assigned a tremendous complex of tenement houses,

so, unfortunately, she won't be available.

Pity.

Yes, it's a pity.

Thank you.

For a moment,

I thought I might get my money's worth.

I beg your pardon.

You say she's well-known in Italy, Mr. Cofield.

She's better known at the a-1 detective agency.

The a-1 detective agency.

You do remember those miscellaneous expenses I was talking about?

Yes, mm-hmm.

Well, that happens to be

the most expensive little item on the list.

Hey!

Oh, Harry.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Of course.

Excuse me, it's Harry.

Yes, Harry?

Malibu tells me that you want a jumper.

Jump?

What I mean is,

she's going to have to have a new jumpsuit.

Oh. Oh, a jumpsuit.

Yeah.

Oh, yes. Of course. Right. Sure.

The old one, it's all torn and--

it's been kind of worn out from too much jumping.

Right.

Thank you.

And we--

oh, wonderful. Thanks for helping me today. Goodbye.

You see, it just happens

that I'm looking for a new manager.

Would you like the job?

Do you mean that Prescott doesn't own the company?

No, not one percentage point.

When I backed rod in this little venture,

I made sure all the stock remained in my name.

If I were to divorce him--

which I fully intend to do

once I've found someone to replace him as manager--

theoretically, he'd be entitled to half the shares.

But his monumental indiscretions

have given me enough on him

to make sure that he won't get a nickel.

Would you like to think about that?

You certainly make interesting propositions, Mrs. Prescott.

I didn't go into it,

but there are some interesting fringe benefits.

Sleep on it, Mr. Cofield.

Goodbye, miss califatti.

Marvelous job you're doing here.

Laura...

Why don't you introduce me to her?

I can explain everything.

Who is she?

An old friend.

Your mistress?

I haven't been here long enough.

What old friend?

You said you have no friends in California,

and suddenly an old friend appears,

and this skyshooter, she comes, too.

Now you have many friends, all women.

No, no, no, no. Thank you.

At first, you had nothing.

You need me. I'm the only friend.

Now you have new car, new house, new friends,

even old friends you have.

Will you please tell me what's the point?

The point is that you have--

you're too clever now.

You forget your friends very easily.

I know what you're doing to that boy.

What boy?

You try to steal his girl,

the girl on the beach.

You mean Malibu?

Yes, the boy with the muscles.

What muscles?

You're a Don zhwan.

Don Juan, you mean.

Where is my purse?

I know what you're doing.

A new house, a new car...

Now you want a new girlfriend,

so you steal her, yes!

You ruin their lives.

You're a destroyer!

Just a minute. Just a minute.

You made me buy this house...

And the car.

And talk about destroying people,

what about you and Prescott, huh?

You and Prescott carrying on.

You homebreaker!

I don't want to see to you anymore!

Well, then beat it!

[Tires screeching]

Yes?

Oh, uh... Mr. Rosencrantz?

Yes, i'm zak rosencrantz.

Yes, uh, my name is Carlo cofield, seaspray pools.

Cofield... Do I know you?

No, we haven't met, but--

I understand that you were interested in one of our units.

Ehh...what is the date of your birth?

My birth? June 3rd.

Uh, please come in, gemini.

[Creaking]

Thank--thank you.

[Frog croaking]

[Typing]

Uh, Mr. Rosencrantz?

One moment, please.

Oh, come up, come up.

[Stairs creaking]

Sit down.

Yes?

You're madame lavinia?

I am.

Oh.

Oh, yes. I, uh--

according-- excuse me--

according to my information,

you wanted a pool shaped in the form

of the star constellation known as the "great bear"?

That is correct.

I would have no use for a pool of another shape.

Of course not.

360 square feet,

and as I specified, I want the stars themselves

imbedded in the floor of the pool

and to pulsate with an intensity

in accordance with their actual heavenly pulsations.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes,

and the entire constellation bathed, as it were,

in silvery-blue light, I should say,

which would emanate from the niches in the walls of the pool.

Um...what price was quoted you,

if I may ask, by our representative?

19,000.

Ah. And you had in mind...

12.

Eh-heh. Well, that's an awful lot of pool

for $12,000, madame.

My time is very valuable.

It's up to you to meet my budget.

If you can't do it, I'll use somebody else.

Uh, no, no, no.

I'm sure that we can work something out, madame.

That's why I'm here.

I mean, I would even consider waiving my commission.

Now, why, pray tell, would you do a thing like that?

Madame, may I speak candidly?

Yes.

I've got this rather complicated personal matter

I'm involved in.

I've a very dear and close friend--

he's a muscle man.

His name is Harry hollard,

and he's in desperate need

of your consultation and help.

He's an avid reader of your column,

madame lavinia's forecast-- the stars and you.

So am I, as a matter of fact.

Anyway, I thought that, possibly,

you...and I... Could, uh...

Work out some advice for him.

And I thought, possibly, you could give him

a private and a personal consultation,

you know?

Hmm.

Would that $12,000 include the filtering system?

Oh, yes, of course,

and the heater.

Yes, hmm...Yes.

Hello.

Hi.

Is anything wrong?

Well, uh...No.

I've just been to see madame-- madame lavinia.

Madame lavinia?

Yeah. She said that--

who?

Madame lavinia. She's--she's a man.

Well, she's an astrologist.

What did she tell you?

She saved me. She saved my life, i--i guess...

And Mr. Cofield.

Ah...mr. Cofield saved your life?

Then why are you so sad?

I'm not sad. It's just that--

well, I, uh-- well, uh...

I, uh--i don't know.

I was thinking about-- about Malibu.

I don't know how to tell her.

Tell her what?

That madame lavinia said we can't make love anymore.

I don't know how Malibu will feel about it.

Listen. Do you want to know who's responsible for this?

Oh, I know who's responsible for it. It's Mr. Cofield.

You know, he's a wonderful guy.

If it hadn't been for him,

I'd be finished in the west coast Mr. Big boy contest.

I wouldn't have stood a chance.

I was thinking about the people

who've been most influential in my life,

and there's three, I figure.

There's my gym teacher at haskell high,

and then there's my mom,

and Mr. Cofield.

Isn't that nice.

Mr. Cofield, you'll be pleased to know

I have destroyed the sex life of Harry hollard.

Wonderful.

Now, may I expect my recompense?

I think we can have an excavation crew at your house...

In three days?

Two.

Uh, two days.

Grand.

And if you have any more problems,

remember madame lavinia holds the secret of the stars.

Bye now.

Uh, rod, there's a client I'd like to have a pool at cost.

It's a, uh, personal matter.

I'm running a business here, cofield,

not a cathouse.

Personal matter?

Anyway, it was a good idea.

I mean, madame lavinia and the astrology.

But I think I've got a better one.

How about a skydiver? A female skydiver?

She free-falls from 10,000 feet,

smack in the middle of a seaspray pool.

TV, press, the works. Huh?

What if she misses?

She won't miss, rod.

No, cofield.

What if her chute doesn't open?

We're really up a creek then.

No. It is out, definitely and finally.

Do I make myself clear?

That's too bad.

We could've gotten a whale of coverage on that.

And it was a good idea.

It still is.

Ethel, when's the old man leaving for the convention in carmel?

Malibu, do you, uh--

do you really think you can land in the actual pool?

Oh, sure.

Hi, Carlo!

You can, huh? Good.

Um, Malibu, are you alright?

Fine.

You seem a bit preoccupied.

Oh, I'll be o.K.

The thing is, there'll be a lot of press people...

By the poolside...

And if you missed or anything...

It would make it difficult for the, uh--

well--timing.

Mr. Cofield, do you find me attractive?

Well...

I mean, if you were a man...

If I were a man?

Would you be attracted to me?

I mean, it's Harry.

Harry?

Well, he says that we shouldn't make love anymore...

Or anything.

What do you think?

Well, there are certain authorities who--

excuse me-- who share that view.

I will say this, though...

I don't think-- I certainly don't think

it's a proper or no-- excuse me. I'm sorry--

normal environment...

For a young, healthy, and beautiful girl to be in.

You know?

Mmm...i know.

It can be--

can be dangerous, uh... For her...Health.

Uh...everything.

I just wish I understood.

[Playing instrumental rock 'n' roll]

[Overlapping conversations]

Hold on a minute. Just hold it a minute. Over.

Hello?

Barker?

Barker, can you hear me?

O.k.?

Barker, can you hear me?

Barker, are you receiving me?

How's it going?

Fine, fine. It's a tremendous turnout.

I think we may get network coverage.

We're about ready.

Switch me over to the P.A.

Right. Hold on a minute.

Uh...phil...

Can we have a little quiet please?

A little quiet. Thank you.

Thank you, girls. Thank you very much.

Alright. O.K. You're on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

that world-renowned Malibu, the skydiver,

is now leaving the airship.

Oh, you should be with US.

It's a beautiful, beautiful sight here,

overlooking southern California.

Down below, you can see--

the, uh--the, uh-- the, uh--

the astonishing, low-cost--

low-cost--uh--

the, uh-- ladies and gentlemen, uh...

Malib--uh--

ladies and gentlemen, Malibu is out of--

uhh!

Aaaaaaaaah!

Oh, wait!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Something's wrong with the plane!

There it is!

Get that camera!

Aah!

Sorry!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Ngaaaaah!

You're quite safe.

You're perfectly alright.

Just hold me tight.

That's right. Hold me tight.

Perfectly alright.

We've got only 800 feet more to go.

Aah! Aah!

[Cheers]

Carlo? Carlo?

Oh! Not Carlo.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm awfully sorry.

Why wasn't I told he was jumping--

I didn't know this would happen.

Why was a meeting called without me?

We didn't call the meeting without you, Henderson.

What meeting are you talking about?

The meeting on Wednesday.

I was there on Monday.

Was it planned on Wednesday that he should jump, too?

It was never planned.

Just the girl was jumping.

What happened Wednesday?

I have no idea!

I wasn't there!

I know you weren't there! Why weren't you?

Because I was out with the plumbing office.

Whose idea was it?

How would I know?

Tell US how you felt, huh?

Barker...

Hi, Mr. Prescott.

You look a little upset.

I want to get a question in--

I want an interview!

Henderson!

You two, come here!

Now, let me ask you one question.

Why? And why didn't the two of you stop him?

It was everybody's, partly.

It was Mr. Cofield--

don't blame cofield!

But you were in there.

Would you--

would you get some clothes on, cofield?

Mr. Cofield said if we'd all get together--

cofield, leave me alone!

[Mechanical vibrating]

Are you alright?

Do you want me to take this for you?

Malibu...

Hmm?

Malibu....

Uh, I love you.

You do?

I ador--uh!

Oh! Oh.

I-I'm sorry.

That's alright. It's not your...

Your fault.

I...

I adore you.

Ow.

Uh!

Oh.

I-I'm sorry.

That's alright.

Malibu...

I love you, I adore you, I worship you, i--ppf! Pff!

Come and live with me.

Please...consider coming. Please c--

[doorbell chimes]

[Chime]

That's Harry. Harry.

I-I'd...

Better go, Mr. Cofield. Yes.

You'd better go.

Uh, Malibu...

Think about it, won't you?

[Music plays]

[Door shuts, [Engine starts]

[Doorbell chimes]

[Spanish television]

[Crunching]

En ninguna de los archivos de los pais se encuentra

ninguna evidencia del ni en escritura ni en pinturas...

Encontraste con los secciones mas antiguas de Cairo,

del estilo French

se encuentran todas los comidades...

Thank you, no.

Del lugar como en las ciudades cosmopolitanes.

Los restaurantes de Cairo...

What's he saying?

I don't know.

...exquisita cocina internacional.

El viajero tiene a su disposición

placitos nativos, como shish kebab yham and eggs.

Cairo es El centro de la escuela mas...

...la mayoria de los inhabitantes profesan la religion mohammedan.

Es notable por sus templos pintures cos.

Uno de los mas famosos siendo Muhammad Ali.

Fu construido durante El reino de Muhammad Ali,

UN miembro in de la casa de...

Dejamos este bonito puedo de Egypt...

[Music plays]

Bueñas noches, amigos.

[Tone]

Hmm.

Um-hmm.

That's all there is.

Carlo?

Malibu.

"Gone to the...Movies!"

Hello?

Operator? Yes, listen.

My pool cracked, and i--

my swimmingpool cracked.

Would you hold on for one minute?

Hold on, operator.

I'll be right back. Now, hold on.

Hello, operator? A-About my cracked...

What should I do about it?

There must be somebody I can call.

Who would you recommend?

The police or the fire department?

Fine...that'll be fine.

Would you get them on the line for me, please?

Well, give me the number. I'll call. Thank you.

Hey, kid. Sorry about yesterday,

but I've been so confused between Laura and Diane.

Uh, sorry. I can't talk.

Give me five minutes.

I got my divorce papers this morning,

served by Diane.

Thank you, thank you, operator.

Do you know what this means?

Hello? Hello, uh, fire department,

I've got an emergency.

Yeah. Uh, I've got a cracked pool.

What do you mean?

Call the police department?

Hurry up.

Well, a-alright. Thank you very much.

Right. I'll call them. Right.

Look, I'd like a conversation--

not now. If you saw the swimming pool,

you'd see I couldn't care less. Go look.

Listen, i--

fine, wonderful. Just check outside.

You'll see that it... Doesn't make any difference.

Divorce papers?

[Horn honking]

[Honk honk]

[Telephone rings]

Will you-- get the door.

Hello? What? No, I can't talk to you.

Wait a minute--rod.

Right. Wait a minute.

Rod, it's for you. It's Laura.

No. I can't--

h-hello, uh, Laura.

It's me again.

Rod can't talk now, and, uh, excuse me, dear,

I can't talk either-- an emergency.

Emergency? But this is an emergency.

Please. I have to talk to rod.

Would you forgive me? I'm sorry.

[Hangs up]

[Dial tone]

Yeah.

Hello? Water and power? I've got an emergency.

My pool cracked and it's, uh, what?

Diane.

You have that number? Emergency squad.

Hello, Diane.

Carlo, it's in all the papers--12 of them.

Look at this one.

Diane-- yes?

Uh, you want a great follow-up for your story?

How would you like "seaspray super galaxy slab bottom pool

sliding down the cliff right into the pacific ocean"?

How would the consumers' digest like that?

Our pool?

Hey! Something's wrong with the pool.

This way. In the house.

[Squeak]

[Speaking Italian]

And the front door is stuck.

That door is jammed.

Call the guy who built it?

I built it!

Rod, do something.

There's a big crack--

Malibu, please--rod!

Rod! Is that you?

It won't open.

We have to talk!

Open the door! Open!

It's Laura.

Oh!

Aah!

Oh!

Oh!

Look what's happening!

We've got to find another way to go.

Oh!

Come on! Oh, oh!

Come on.

Oh, we can't go through--

oh!

We can't go that way.

Hold on.

Grab the umbrella.

[Carlo] Wait a minute.

Jump...there.

Oh!

Jump!

Come in the side, please, in there!

Jump.

Jump.

Jump! Aah!

Come!

[Creaking]

Oh!

Ohh!

Oh!

Ohhh, Carlo!

Oh, god!

[Diane] Oh!

[Diane] Ohhh.

You got an ax or a crowbar or anything?

Is this any good?

Let's have it.

[Creaking]

Don't anybody... Move.

UN-ugh!

[Rumbling]

G-Get up.

Ju--uhh!

[Car honks]

[Clang]

[Honking]

[Siren]

They're not coming.

I know they're not coming.

Because we don't have--

come se dice?

Priority.

First, they must take care of the... Schools.

A-And the hospitals...

And the old people's houses.

It's like a ship sinking.

Why didn't you tell them

there are three women in this house?

This morning, a little man came to me

and asked me, "are you miss Laura califatti?"

And I said, "yes, I'm miss Laura califatti."

And he hands me this paper

who say that--that I'm adulterer,

and your wife will get a divorce.

Wh-what does it mean?

She want divorce from you?

You bet I do, sweetie.

Y-You are his wife?

Ciao.

Uh!

Laura, Laura, Laura!

Don't move.

Ahh! Aah!

[All] Aaaah!

[Laura] Ohhh, ahhh.

Ooh, ooh!

Are you alright?

[Mutters in Italian]

Ah!

Are you--

[rod] Please, get this out of my--

uh! Ah!

Diane...

Oh! Malibu?

Malibu.

I'm up here.

Are you alright?

[Sirens]

Hey!

Come and look.

What are they doing?

They're not doing anything.

Sorry.

I'm hungry.

[Footsteps]

Laura, excuse me.

Harry.

Malibu?

Harry! Ahh...

I was worried.

I had heard about it on the radio.

About the house tumbling down the cliff and all.

So i--i figured I'd better come over.

What are they doing down there, the rescue squad?

They said they'll get you out when it's daylight.

Uh, Harry, I'd like you to meet Mr. Prescott.

Mr. Prescott, miss califatti.

You know Laura from the other time.

That's, uh, Mrs. Prescott. And you know Malibu.

I just came by to see if everybody's o.K.

We're fine.

And I want to talk to you, Mr. Cofield.

Right. Ahem.

It's about that madame lavinia thing.

See, last night i--i couldn't get to sleep,

and, I don't know...

I guess it's because I'm not used to being without Malibu.

Anyway, this morning...

This morning I went by to see madame lavinia.

Madame lavinia?Yeah.

I thought there was a chance

she made a mistake about the sex thing.

Yes, sure.

And you know what she told me, Mr. Cofield?

She said that you bribed her

to say those things about sex.

And she said...

I must be a moron to believe that stuff.

You're not a moron.

She's very mad at you about that.

Why?

You didn't give her the pool deal.

She'll get it. There's paperwork.

You can be sure there'll be a deal.

It's not right to do those things, not right at all.

Anyway, you really shouldn't have done it.

I'm not being myself.It's not right.

Don't know what got into me.

I--I'm sorry, Harry.

I really am sorry.

There's something I want to say, Mr. Cofield,

so there won't be any misunderstanding about it later.

Right.

I want--i want Malibu to come back and...

To come back and live in the bus with me

and--and maybe we could, later on, even get married.

Gosh, Harry.

I'd love to.

Isn't that just terrific?

Congratulations.

Harry, I think that--

Laura, isn't that wonderful?

Go back and live together.

I'll see if the rescuers are around.

Rescue-- ah, excuse me.

What's the matter with you?

Ohh...

Why is it so simple for some people?

Well, because they're simpleminded. That's why.

You're all heart, rod.

Rod is not as... Bad as you think.

He's not, huh?

He can be gentle.

And...you--you are just as stupid as I am.

I don't like to look at who I am.

I am a...Kept woman.

And I...I know that rod doesn't want really to marry me.

How 'bout coming back to work for seaspray pool?

Oh, ho. Not on your life.

I wouldn't go through that again for 50% of the company.

How about 51%?

Plus an open-end expense account

so that you could carry on with those miscellaneous expenses

which your crumbling ego seems to require.

When the papers come about the divorce,

I knew I didn't want to marry him.

I guess if you start looking at things, uh, realistically...

You'll never fall in love.

I mean, you--you just reject the people you can't stand.

See who's left, if anybody.

I think you are going to make a pass at me.

Ha. No?

[Laughs]

Considering our record so far,

that's probably the most self-destructive thing...

I could possibly do.

[Creaking]

Aah!

Here we go.

[Rumbling]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Carlo!

Please.

♪ Malibu is calling you ♪

♪ her days are nice and warm ♪

♪ you can find excitement ♪

♪ any size, shape, or form ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪

♪ la la ♪

♪ don't make waves ♪♪