Original subtitles

Will you please tell me what... Well, Albie, I can explain everything.

Leave this office immediately.

But, Father... Immediately!

Yes, Father.

Yes, indeed, Father.

Ah, so.

This is the way you take advantage of my absence.

I've been working, sir, on a golf ball slogan.

See, the Douglas Golf Ball.

Putt it while the putting's good. All right, we...

You have the affrontery to make love to my daughter. She is my daughter.

I never doubted it. You presumptuous fortune hunter.

You insolent, insolent... Fellow. Fellow.

Idiot.

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

You're fired.

Get out. Get out. Here. Here.

Take your cash with you. This is my clock. All right. There's your clock.

Why in heaven's name I've kept you on, I don't know.

Yes.

Uh -huh.

Mary Elizabeth Allenby, the lovely, adorable Mary Elizabeth, Mrs.

Preston Patton, nay, Elizabeth Allenby, and General Windbag, nay, Colonel

Allenby. So, I'm a windbag, am I?

All right.

Hawks, Hawks! Now, calm yourself. Hawks, where are you?

Here I am, sir. This fellow is never to be admitted to this office. No, no, no,

no, no. Don't take it down. Get it through.

Yes, sir.

I always said you'd wind up in the gutter, and by heavens, you will.

Now, calm yourself, Colonel. Calm yourself. You're getting hot, and I'm

bothered. You know, you ought to get somebody to do your firing for you. You

so excited. Mr. Patton, this office is for business. Get out. Get out. Say, by

golly, that's an idea.

A great idea.

Calm yourself.

Goodbye, Patton, and don't ask me for help when you're starving.

I won't be starving because there's work to be done.

Disagreeable jobs like this that people like you hate to do.

And that's where I come in. At very fancy prices. Will you get out?

But I... Now, now, now, now. Calm yourself.

Calm yourself.

Yes, sir. Calm yourself.

This shady enterprise is exactly what I'd expect of Patton.

Good morning.

Ah, good morning, Mary Elizabeth.

I'll see you later.

Yes, sir.

Now that I'm here, Father, perhaps you'll tell me with whom we're lunching.

The Kents.

Oh.

Young Kent needs a steadying influence.

It'd be very sensible of you to consider him seriously.

Now, really, Father, don't you think that's my affair?

Good family, the Kents.

Sound, brains, a thriving business.

Why don't you marry him?

Morning,

Colonel. Mary Elizabeth.

Ah, M .B. and Bobby.

Well, glad to see you. Fine morning. Fine.

Good morning, Mary Elizabeth.

You look lovelier every time I see you.

Oh, I'll bet you say that to all the girls. No, no, I don't. Really, I don't.

Saw that automobile poster outside.

Might be fine. Has a selling punch. Ah, that's nothing. Let me show you a double

truck layout I've been preparing.

Tiggerette? No, thanks.

Um... Now, don't chatter, Bobby.

I was just about to ask you to marry me.

And I was just about to refuse.

Oh, no, you can't refuse me like that.

You see, I love you and I can make you happy.

And, you see, my father... Yes, your father and my father.

They have everything all arranged for us, haven't they?

My father gets your father's advertising account and I'm thrown in as a gift.

Like a box of cigars.

No, if I'm going to be sold, I'll do the selling and for my own profit. Oh, now,

Mary Elizabeth, you get... Sit down, Bobby.

Call yourself.

Confidential services.

Who's calling, Mr. Patton, please?

One moment, please, Mrs. Valance.

He's busy on another warrior.

Will you... Oh, he's free now.

Go ahead, please.

Hello, this is Preston Patton speaking. Good morning, Mrs. Valance.

I was just going to call you to see if everything was all right.

Did you get my note?

Yes, I got your note.

Mr. Patton, will you kindly tell me who that is in my husband's bed?

Why, Mrs. Valance, that's your husband.

What?

Are you sure?

But they told me at Tony's... I don't care what anybody said. I guess I know

own husband.

Hi.

Can I have a nightcap?

How about a toots?

Oh! Oh!

Oh, he's asking for whiskey.

He's saying dreadful things. What do I do?

I'll give him an eye -opener. Nine parts whiskey, one part soda.

Repeat dose until subject is stiff. I'll be right over. Oh, Mrs. Valiance, are

you quite sure he's not your husband?

A subscriber.

Miss Simpkins, business is picking up.

Why, hello, Mr. Brownberg.

What can I do for you? You can pay your bill for me.

Oh.

Hey, now, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's my coat.

Whose coat is that?

Well, I paid you $20 on account.

All right. You can keep the brief, and I keep the rest of the coat. Now, wait a

minute, Mr. Brownberg, wait a minute.

I'm amazed.

This isn't the real you.

Why, you're a kind man.

As gentle a soul as ever lived.

Mr. Patton, please stop.

You know my weakness.

Why, the milk of human kindness flows through the veins of the real Mr.

Bromberg. Mr.

Patton, hear out.

Here.

But when will I get my money? Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely?

Mrs. Bromberg will say, Sam, what a flumeel you are.

But... All right.

But I will be back tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Miss Simpkins, the telephone.

Confidential services.

Who's calling, please?

Oh, I was just starting for your place, Mrs. Valance.

Huh? You gave the man three eye -openers.

Where is he?

He went out the window, finally.

Said I should come and play in his apartment sometime.

Poo!

Did you say poo?

Oh, you did.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Valance.

Poo.

Yes, I said poo.

Well, there goes our only client, Miss Simpkins.

Confidential Services Incorporated.

Established 1908.

Capital, 76 cents.

Key ring and key.

And a lucky marble.

Lucky.

Confidential services.

Who's calling, please?

Rockwell and... You mean Rockwell the banker?

Well, just a moment, please.

Hello,

this is Preston Patton speaking.

Mr. Rockwell's secretary?

Oh, yes.

An appointment?

I think it can be arranged.

What time?

Just a moment, please.

Miss Simpkins, am I busy around noon today?

Well, can't Stevenson take care of that matter?

Certainly.

Hello. Why, yes, 11 .30 will be all right.

At his office?

Fine, fine. Goodbye.

Oh, did you hear that, Simpy?

An appointment with K .S.

Rockwell, the banker.

Mr. Patton, I know, of course, that Confidential Services is not

I'm fairly sure that it wasn't established in 1908, and that you're not

executive secretary, but also its inventor and leading spirit.

In fact, you are Confidential Services.

Well, I... Well, it doesn't make a slightest difference.

I liked your letter, and I think you may be smart enough to do me a valuable

service.

Let's get down to business.

Nearly 22 years ago, I met a beautiful girl at Coronado Beach, California, and

married her.

I married her in haste.

I brought her on to New York and I repented at leisure.

Will you have a drink?

Oh, no thanks.

The marriage didn't work.

We were shortly divorced.

No fight, no scandal.

Only one complication.

A baby three months old.

I think I will have a drink. A scotch and soda.

My former wife took the baby back to California and they've been there ever

since.

Except for her formal acknowledgement of my checks, I didn't hear from her at

all.

Thank you.

I was getting, well, along in years, you know, but I didn't show it.

I began to be proud of looking young.

Went around a lot, saw a lot of people.

Last year, I met a girl I wanted to marry.

Quite a young girl.

I'm sorry about all this, but it's necessary.

Oh, you've covered 21 years in a remarkably short time.

I did an absurd...

An insane thing.

I concealed my age from my wife.

I told her about my earlier marriage, of course.

But I left out dates.

Did you tell her about your daughter?

No.

I hadn't the courage.

It's such a delicate matter.

I'd rather do anything than risk losing my wife's respect.

This came yesterday.

Tomorrow? As today.

Six hours and five minutes for plans and preparations.

Well, emergencies are our dish.

Do you think you could manage to keep Rosalind away for a few days until I

a chance to break it gracefully to my wife and see how she takes it?

Well, I... Money is no object.

We don't, as a rule, make wild promises, Mr. Rockwell, but I'll guarantee to

keep her away from you.

There's just one condition.

You're not to injure my reputation or make me a party to any crime. Oh, now,

calm yourself, Mr. Rockwell. I'll get in touch with you in the morning and

report what I've done. Good.

Oh, uh, how am I going to pick out Roslyn at the station?

That other wire.

I told her not to come to the office that I'd meet her at the train.

She wired back, medium blonde will wear taffeta tam o' shanta and carry a

leopard coat.

Taffeta tam and leopard coat.

Right.

Oh,

about an advance.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything about it, but it is customary.

Shall we say a hundred is a retainer?

Do you mind taking it in cash?

You see, the matter is so personal that I checked.

Oh, of course, I understand. Thank you, thank you. Well, Mr. Rockwell, my

trouble... Your troubles are over.

Goodbye.

Oh, isn't that your coat?

Oh, yes.

It certainly is. Now, good day, Mr. Rockwell.

Good luck.

Arriving on track A. Trains from Albany, Utica, Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo,

Cleveland, Chicago, and points west.

Porter, miss?

Yes, I think so.

Taxi? Well, no, I believe I'm being met. Just a moment.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Miss Rockwell, isn't it?

Yes.

You're not my... Oh, no, of course not. Are you from my father?

Mr. Porter?

Yes.

Get us out the back way, quick.

Back way? This young lady's being... She mustn't go out the regular way.

There are people watching.

I can take you out through the back way to a taxi stand.

How? Through this gate?

All right, let's go.

Where to?

Out of here, Park Avenue, I'll tell you.

That was close.

I guess this must seem kind of silly to you.

What is it, a game?

No, not exactly.

To begin with, my name's Patton. Preston Patton. Yes?

I happened, uh, quite by chance to overhear your father's plans.

What plans?

To ship you back to California.

He had two private detectives waiting for you at that station. And a lawyer.

A lawyer?

With an injunction.

Oh, he's pretty tough, that old man of yours.

But I had no idea he felt that way about me. Say, you should have heard him

carry on when he read your telegrams.

Well, why didn't he meet me at the station and tell me himself how he felt?

didn't he... You obviously don't know the old boy.

No, and I'm glad I don't.

What's he like?

Oh, he's an old bear with a bad disposition and terrible liver.

And what a temper.

He smashes hats.

Smashes hats?

Why, he must use up five derbies a week.

Well, I'm not afraid of him.

And what's more, I'll tell him so.

Take me to his office.

Oh, but it's closed.

You know these bankers.

Well, then we'll go to his home.

But he won't be in at this hour.

Well, wait.

Say, I know where we can find him.

Do you really insist on seeing him? Absolutely.

Hey, Billy.

Crescent Building and get there at exactly six o 'clock.

You better let me talk to him first. You know, in order to prepare him.

All right.

Sounds like a great idea to me. I'll have the drawings for you in a couple of

days. How do you do, Colonel? You remember me?

What do you want?

Your daughter.

What? Calm yourself, Colonel.

You clear out of here before I call the police.

Come on.

Open, sir. Wait.

You might as well know it, but Mary Elizabeth is a descendant of Mary. She

what? My daughter is an imposter.

And if she defies me, I'll... Now, that's hardly fair to your daughter.

Don't you dare mention her name to me again. Come along.

There's no use of setting yourself.

My lawyers will attend to you, sir. You can be sure of that.

All right, Billy, go ahead.

I had no idea I'd be in the way or else I wouldn't have come. Now calm yourself.

Remember, you're under the protection of old Preston Patton.

Children cry for you.

Well, what am I going to do? There, there.

What you need is some food.

I know a nice, quiet little place.

Why did you leave California?

Curiosity, I guess.

About the fair city of New York?

About KS Rockport.

Ever since I've been old enough to realize that it's customary to have a

I've wondered about mine.

You know now.

Tell me, what did your mother say about this trip?

Oh, she didn't mind.

You see, she's going to marry again.

Seems to be a family failing.

This man's really poisonous.

He calls me sweetheart.

What are you going to do now?

I'll manage somehow.

And without my father's help.

Got any money?

Nothing to speak of. Oh, come now. You can speak of pretty small sums these

days.

About $25.

You can speak of it by all means.

Still, that's not enough to get you home.

Well, I'm not going home.

I'm going to stay here and find a job.

I think I know somebody who might have a job for you.

A fine young man.

Ambitious, energetic, promising.

They're making so much noise, I can't hear you. That's the charming Preston

Patton.

I'm sorry.

Well, what about the job?

No, thanks.

You're just sorry for me. Sorry for you?

Now, listen, my child, I'm sorry for myself.

I need help.

Can you stenog?

Sadly. Well, that puts you on a par with most stenogs.

Salary, uh, 35 a week. Start tomorrow morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Look here, this is a disgraceful hour of the morning to be coming to work.

It's 9 .15.

I'm sorry, but you didn't say anything about the time, so I thought it would be

all right. Well, it isn't all right.

This office takes off no earlier than 9 .30 in the morning.

I'll try to remember.

What's the use of having a business of my own if I have to get up at the crack

of dawn?

What a mess.

Hey, hey, hey, don't touch. I won't be able to find anything if you start

installing a system.

But this stuff looks as if it's been dropped out of a passing airplane.

Well, a man's desk should be kept in the same disorder as his mind.

Here, I guess you want this.

What is it? A notation about a date.

With Mary Elizabeth.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Uh, do you want a cup of coffee? No, thanks. I just had club breakfast number

three. Forty -five cents.

Which reminds me, we must find you an apartment as soon as we have time.

Are we going to be busy today?

Oh, that's what I want to talk to you about.

We've had a call already.

M -81.

Charles Mattinson.

Married last autumn.

Dirty rich.

What's eating him?

His wife's puppy.

She insists on the dog sleeping in their double bed.

M81 wants dogs stolen.

Only temporarily, of course, until he sees the effect on his wife.

But suppose the police are on the job and we get tagged for having stolen

property. Well, that, to coin an old phrase, would be just too bad.

It doesn't sound like such a bright idea to me.

Still, M81 is rich.

And there's an old expression, Miss Simpkins, that the noses of the rich

made to be paid through.

So when he phones again, tell him we'll take the job.

$100 and a signed statement of the arrangements between us.

You're a bandit.

Thank you.

I have some field work to do, so I'll leave you in charge of the office.

When you answer the phone, try to give the impression that we have a large and

busy staff.

No.

Be kind and sweet to all callers, but not too kind.

Good day, Mr. Simpson.

Mr. Patton, do you think it's possible for you to keep this thing going for a

few days?

Indefinitely, Mr. Rockwell. Really? But how?

You mustn't ask the magician how he gets the rabbits out of the hat.

No, I suppose not.

Now about the charges.

I think, well, should we say $50 a week? We will say $50 a week.

$50 a week. If you don't slip up, you can keep the retainer as a bonus.

That's very kind of you, Mr. Rockwell. Thank you.

And you'll report to me? As you like.

However, you may consider no news good news.

If you wish to phone me, you can use your subscriber's number.

R44. R44.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Greetings, Mr. Dickens.

Hey, what's that?

What the dickens?

Pidgey, this is Mr. Patton.

Mr. Patton, this is Pidgey, the pup we're supposed to keep.

Pup? He's an elephant.

Hey, what's that he's been chewing on?

Oh, just your shoe.

My shoe.

That's a fine thing to give a dog.

Oh, no, it was his own idea.

Here's the other one.

Oh, I paid $16 for those shoes.

What are you complaining about? You've got two of them.

I only have one of these.

Did he do that, too?

No, Simpy, we've got to get that dog out of here.

Oh, no, you get him out. I don't mind losing my hat.

But I've taken quite a fancy to my arm. Well, you fetch the janitor and I'll get

Pidgey up on the roof.

How? Well, he seems to like that dish. I'll give him a second helping.

Pidgey, look.

Eight dollars worth of shoes.

Come on, Pidgey. Come on. Come on, Pidgey. Come on.

I hope you get in the dish.

Oh, Mike, I have a house guest staying with me for a while.

Pidgey. Say, that's a real dog.

What is he?

Oh, part Pomeranian and part, uh... Part what else would you say?

Shoehound. Mike, have you got a box or something we can use for a doghouse?

Sure, I got a packing case. Good.

And, uh, I think you'd better tie him up, too.

Tie him up? Why?

He's all right where he is. Oh, no, he isn't.

Say, you leave him to me.

Dog is a man's best friend. He'll never double -cross you or do things behind

your back.

Never. I wish you'd tell that to the dog.

Hey.

What's happened here?

I'd begun to think you'd never notice it.

Oh, this will never do, Miss Simpkins.

This was such a nice, messy house.

Now you have it looking like a tea room.

Oh, this is nothing.

I've lots of plans if business improves.

Come around in a couple of weeks and look at it. A couple of weeks?

Mr. Patton!

Mr. Patton, help!

Mr. Patton, quick!

Mr. Patton, hurry!

Mr. Patton! What's the matter, Mike? What happened?

Well, I brought him some food, some biscuits. I tried to take the shoe away

him.

Like he wouldn't do that. After all, a dog is man's best friend.

He wouldn't do anything behind your back.

But he did.

Confidential services.

Who's calling, please?

R44? Just a moment.

R44, are you in at this hour?

Um, well, I'll take it in here, please.

Hello.

Oh, yes, wonderfully.

Have you told Mrs. R yet she's about to become a stepmother?

No. Uh, the fact is, I thought I ought to meet my daughter.

Have a talk with her, you know.

Well, don't you think it'd be better to wait until everything's settled?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Too important a matter to rush.

Oh, yes.

What's that?

Each week.

No. I don't mind getting it in cash.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Mary Elizabeth, are you sure you wouldn't like to dance?

Quite sure, Bobby.

Too bad. It's very nice music.

Isn't it?

Rather nice party, don't you think? Oh, yes, it is.

So calm and restful.

Colorful costumes everybody's wearing.

You know what I mean?

Colorful. Yes.

Very colorful.

This one with blue on it.

Mary Elizabeth, would you like a drink?

I certainly would, Bobby. Do you mind? Not at all.

Make it stiff, will you? You bet I will.

Who are you?

Ah, the sea goddess.

I'm going to fetch you into my tent. Sure enough.

Pat! Can we walk or run?

Run.

You're supposed to be. You look like a clothesline.

And you look adorable.

May I have this for a minute? I promised to return it.

I didn't dream you'd come to my rescue when I sent that wire.

I couldn't keep away.

You know, your habit forming like hashish and whiskey and singing in

Was the party really terrible?

Horrible. Why do you go to those awful barbecues? Had to.

Command appearance.

You see, my father... Oh, that battleship.

You're talking about my father. He's still a battleship.

He won't be satisfied until he's cracked over the head with a champagne bottle

and launched.

Pat, how can you talk like that?

Oh, very easily.

You know, if I were to express my candid opinion of him, I'd have to call you

the daughter of an ugly word.

I'd even have to go... Quiet.

What kind are you... Don't talk.

Well, I just want to move my lips.

Well, move them, but don't talk.

Oh, what's funny about it? I'm sorry.

I was just thinking about Bobby. I'll bet he's frothing at the mouth.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Want an egg, darling?

Thanks.

Well, who are you?

Robert Kent.

Robert Kent of Kent Motors?

Yes, indeed. That's me.

Robert Kent of the Kent Motors.

So you're Mr.

Kent. Of all people, why my father? He was positively apoplectic.

Well, I was desperate. She had me cornered. I needed a father in a hurry.

So I thought of yours.

He certainly got me out of a hole.

And got me into one.

Pat, what's she like, this girl?

Rosalind? Oh, a tasty dish.

Yum, yum. Pretty?

The optician's friend, a sight for sore eyes.

Well, isn't that just charming?

Somehow your voice lacks that honest note of sincerity.

Well, why shouldn't it?

You alone all day with that girl. Oh, Mary Elizabeth. She works for you. She

eats with you. Pop, don't go any further. Well, don't you go any further.

Pat, you're to discharge her the first thing in the morning.

Oh, but Mary Elizabeth, she's not really my secretary.

That's just it. If she were, I wouldn't mind.

Now, you must get rid of her.

But that would end the Rockwell job.

My first account.

Well, if you go to father and tell him you're sorry, I'm sure I could get you

your old position back.

What? Give up confidential services?

It's a childish idea anyway.

Well, maybe so.

Maybe it is.

But listen, Mary Elizabeth.

Even if it is goofy, it's mine.

It's the only thing in my life that really is mine.

I made it out of nothing.

And I'm building something.

I'm getting a tremendous kick out of it.

And my wishes mean nothing to you?

Oh, of course they do. Then you'll dismiss what's -her -name in the

There's nothing more to say, Pat. That's final.

Oh, Mary Elizabeth.

Will you say that again about firing Rosalind?

I said dismiss her tomorrow, and I really mean it, Presley Patton.

You're even beginning to look like your father.

You're an awfully sweet boy, Kenny.

Bobby.

Bobby.

Excuse me, have you the time?

Ah, we thought you wanted to shop.

Thanks very much.

Joe! Joe!

Could you tell the baby for just a minute? No, I'm sorry.

I really couldn't.

I'm waiting.

I really couldn't.

But look, I'm very sorry. I'm afraid I couldn't.

Sorry, just couldn't get away sooner.

What in the world?

The nurse asked me to hold it.

And you said you would? She didn't give me a chance to say anything.

Well, of all things... I'll put him in the carriage.

Coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie.

Great place for the kids, the park, madam.

Oh, he thinks it's ours.

What are we going to do?

Well, what are you so worried about?

It's the oldest trick in the world.

Abandoning a baby by getting the nearest man to watch it. All right, all right.

I'll find the cop and tell him what's happened.

Aren't you the bright boy? He'll take our name and address and we'll have to

to court as witnesses.

It'll be in the papers?

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Wait! Wait!

Here, take that.

You telephone them and I'll wait here.

Confidential Services Incorporated.

Know anything about babies, Simpy?

We're not going to adopt it, are we? No, but suppose it starts yowling while

it's in our care.

Guess we'd better stop at a drugstore and get some, uh... What do you get,

chloroform? Don't worry, I know all about babies.

I practically raised a friend's youngster.

Dear, indispensable Miss Rockwell.

What are you going to do about this case?

Air to Camp Millions is going to pay through Family Smeller. Well, I could

guessed that.

I'd hate to get into your clutches.

You do me an injustice.

I clutch very nicely.

I'm sorry this had to happen. I guess I shouldn't have... You'd

oblige me greatly by shutting your silly mouth.

Mr. Kent?

Yes, yes. This is Miss Rockwell. My name's Patton. How do you do? This is

Miss... the young lady who telephoned you.

Who shall be named, right?

And this, I take it, is our unknown friend?

Yes. Oh, thank you, thank you.

Mr. Patton.

Yes. I'd pay you anything, anything, if you'll take the baby and get me out of

this mess.

Calm yourself, Mr. Kent. That's exactly what we're here for.

Now, you say the only person who saw you with the baby is a policeman. Is that

right? Yes, with the nastiest sharp eyes I ever saw.

Mr. Kent, the fee will be rather high depending on the trouble we have.

So I'll have to ask you for $100 as a retainer.

Well, I'm afraid all I have with me is $50 or $60.

Well, we'll say $50 now.

And you'll phone me in the morning?

Oh, absolutely. The very first thing. And thank you. Oh, that's quite all

Mr. Kent. And calm yourself.

Poor little mite.

Why did I walk off level?

What a little bite.

Oh, now, now, be easy with yourself, my darling.

Crying and bawling and carrying on. Smile, smile, and have a little drop of

life's blood.

What will the missus say when she hears about it? No, no, I wouldn't worry about

that now, Annie.

I'll never forgive myself, shall I?

Never.

It's a rich baby.

Look at the imported friend.

Yeah, and if he just keeps his mouth shut, he'll be my dearest friend.

Uh -oh.

What's the matter?

Uh -oh.

I don't like this with these kidnapping scares.

All right, darling, I think we'd better take little Herbert home now. Yes, Ness

will be furious if he doesn't have his bottle.

Does little Herbie Werbie want his body, Waddy?

Did you hear that, darling?

The little imp said yes. He wants his body.

Oh, you can't tell me he doesn't take after his daddy.

Say, whose baby is that?

Whose? Why, ours, of course. Yeah?

Then how about them other folks that had it, eh?

Oh, you mean Mr.

and Mrs. Roberts?

Were they mad?

You see, my wife and I had to do a little shopping, so they promised to

Herbert for us.

Well, we were gone a little longer than we thought, and were they mad?

They certainly was. They was going at it hot and heavy when I saw them. Well, we

must go, dear. I'll be the Zane officer.

You said it.

Simpy, for heaven's sakes, hurry, will you?

Anything happen?

Well, not yet.

Well, don't be afraid of him. They rarely explode.

Hey,

what are you doing now?

Hey, Simpy, please.

I'll do what you're doing if you hold this.

Please. I'm coming.

Here, you hold the bottle and I'll take the baby.

Well... Oh, there we are.

There we are.

Look at the lump.

He's the best behaved baby I ever saw.

I still think we'd better turn him over to the police. And get our client in

trouble? Not much.

Oh, all right, we'll keep him.

But we may as well start putting away a fund to send him to college.

Here are a list of things we'll need. I'm going to stay here tonight.

How delightful.

Watchdog baby, mom and papa.

Papa's going to stay at my apartment.

Killjoy.

Say, does he need all these things?

I mean, couldn't he worry through one night without that?

No.

Oh, all right.

But wait till Mr. Kent sees his bill.

We're checking all hospitals for accidents. We're watching all railroad

stations, ferries, tunnels, and bridges.

Oh, I'm so afraid.

You see, Peter's on a special kind of diet. He could never get the right kind

food. No, no, Gloria. Lieutenant.

Detail a man on all incoming telephone calls. We may snap down on somebody that

way. Oh, Flanagan. Yes, sir. You stay on duty all the time. Report any phony

calls that might come in. Very good.

We won't notify the newspapers till tomorrow.

We'll wait for the ransom note first.

Thank you, Inspector. You're welcome.

Goodbye. Come on, boys.

Now, Gloria.

There we are, my darling. And now for solitary confinement in the carriage.

Let's go.

Greetings and salutations.

Shut up, Pidgey.

Shut up.

It's breakfast.

Here, I'll help you. Thanks.

Well, how's our little stepson this morning? In fine voice?

The only perfect male I've ever met.

And where have you been? The birds have been awake for hours.

Oh, you needn't be so snooty.

The birds were snowing deafeningly when I quitted my couch. Your couch.

My cup. Oh, when I got up.

There.

There, my little man.

And don't go bashing your brains out with it, either.

What's this?

Lollipops.

For whom?

Them.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

I was crazy about lollipops when I was a kid.

Well, what's been doing?

Oh, I've made a lot of appointments for you this morning, Heather and Jan. Oh,

not Jan.

No.

Mostly hither, only one yard.

At 10 .30, you ought to visit R44 about a... That matter.

Did he say anything else?

No. No, he was very curt. It's a great old man.

And at 11 .30, there's K6.

He called early about the baby.

You know, I'd take him a bill.

I've been up all night making it out.

What else?

At 12 .30, there's MEA. Who?

It's in your writing. M -E -A.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Well, take good care... Take care of our little one, will you?

I'm off.

I don't doubt it.

Oh, come on.

It's really a lovely gown, and I want you to see it. It'll only take a minute.

I have work to do. See? Work. Money, brother.

I almost wish we were poor.

The chance of bankers being poor is getting better every day.

All right. Be a disagreeable old so -and -so.

It must be pretty awful being married to me.

I mean, well, I'm quite a little older than you.

You must tell me all about the Mayflower someday.

Was it a nice crossing? Did you sing at the ship's concert?

And why don't you wear a long white beard?

Seriously, though, you must be bored stiff.

All my friends are so much older.

I wish you had a cousin or some girl your own age for company. For whose

company, you rake?

Listen, darling, I... I can take a hint.

I'm going.

And if you don't like that gown... See you later.

Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Good morning, Mr. Whipple. Good morning, Mrs. Rockwell.

All right, Mr. Patton. You may go in now.

Mr. Rockwell.

How are you, Patton?

Sit down.

Thank you.

You, uh... You told Mrs. Rockwell?

No.

I just haven't any courage.

I'm going to take a chance, though.

A chance?

Yes, I'm going to risk it with Mrs. Rockwell.

I'm going to bring my daughter into the house.

Well, that is, if the girl's at all possible.

Possible?

Yes.

Do you think she could fit into my domestic and social life?

Well, I don't like to offer an opinion, Mr. Rockwell. Your opinion is all I've

got to go on.

How about it?

I don't know.

Come now, Mr. Patton, you can be frank with me.

What is she like?

Well, if I were to say she's at all, well, you know, difficult, you might

think it was because I wanted to keep up this arrangement.

After all, it's a great expense. Oh, expense my hat.

Difficult, eh?

I'm sorry, Mr. Rockwell. No, that's all right. I appreciate your frankness.

Well, suppose we don't disturb the situation for a while.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can win her affection by anticipating her every wish. If, for

reaches for a cigarette, have the match ready.

For... You haven't heard a word I said.

What? Oh, sure I did, M .B. Here, you asked for a cigarette. Oh, no, I didn't.

What's the matter with you, Robert? Oh, nothing, nothing. I'm all right.

There's something on your mind.

Well, I was just thinking about Mary Elizabeth. That's it. Well, then, don't

look so gloomy about it.

In my day, men were happy when they were in love.

Not frightened to death.

Good morning.

Morning. Just take a chair. Thank you.

What's the news about the baby?

Oh, it's fine.

My secretary says it's beautifully behaved. What are we going to do with

Well, I don't know. I read the morning papers, but there's no mention of a

missing baby.

Oh, if I should get mixed up in this.

I'd give anything to have this mess washed up. Anything.

Yeah, and your bill's going to be pretty big as it is. Oh, dear.

This is the toughest assignment we've ever had.

Why did I ever take that child?

Have you got my home number?

No, I don't think so. Write it down for me, will you?

Here, this must be yours.

If you can't get me at the office, you can reach me at this number.

Fine, fine.

Now let me know if anything happens.

Oh, sure, sure, of course.

Did I write that?

Oh, calm yourself, Pat. It's only Rosalind.

He's nuts.

I was very cross with you last night, Pat.

I'm sorry.

You stung me to the quick.

I have a very sensitive quick.

It's all Father's fault.

Ever since you two had that silly scene, he's been after me.

But my life hasn't been my own.

Pat!

Hmm? You're not listening.

Yes, I am. You said something about... What am I going to do? Father wants me

join him and some friends on a yachting cruise.

Well, go by all means.

What do you mean? After all, he is your father.

And you're his only child.

His life.

His everything.

He's no longer young, you know.

And if you can make him happy in his last declining years, how selfish it

No, Pat. I'm not going to go. I'm going to stay here and take care of you.

Me? Well, you poor boy, you look so tired. What you need is somebody to look

after you.

Extra! Lansome baby kidnapped!

Extra! Read all about it! Lansome baby kidnapped!

Read all about it!

I gotta make a phone call. Do you mind if I get out of here?

Well, goodbye, dear. Have a nice time.

I just told you I'm not going.

Oh, that's right. Of course. Well, have a nice time anyway.

Extra! Lansome baby kidnapped!

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

I'm sorry, but Mr. Patton is not in.

What?

We tell lies only on behalf of our clients at our regular rates. Well, I

to be a client at exceptionally good rates.

R44.

Perhaps you'll be kind enough to connect me now.

I'm sorry, but he isn't in and I'm not lying.

I'm not fresh.

You can't talk to me like that. I don't give a hoot who you are.

Listen, young woman, I am Kenneth S. Rockwell of Rockwell & Company.

Mr.

Rockwell?

Oh, yes.

Well, would you care to leave a message, Mr. Rockwell?

You want some information about your daughter?

What information, Mr. Rockwell? He told me she's impossible, that I couldn't

take her into my home.

Tell him I want to see her and find out for myself.

Well, you didn't seem to care very much about her when you made that scene in

front of the Crescent Building.

Made... I made a... What?

Tell him he'd do well to get a less impertinent secretary.

Crescent Building?

Rockwell?

Yes, sir. I'm going to rush out for a minute. Tell Mrs. Rockwell to have

cocktail and I'll be right back. Yes, Mr. Rockwell.

Rosalind Rockwell.

Radiant Rosalind Rockwell.

Rosalind Patton.

Pat, you lucky dog.

Hello? Hello? Mr. Patton, please. Miss Allenby calling.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Could you, uh...

Do you know what time he'll be back?

No, I don't know when he'll be back. I haven't any idea. I'm sorry.

Will you tell him that I'm leaving home for good, that I've decided to elope?

We can be married in Harrison or Rye or Hoboken if necessary.

Tell him I've written my father a note and I...

You can go more places than anyone I've ever seen.

Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd finished.

Oh, wait a minute.

I want to talk to this here person.

Excuse me.

Hello? You're what?

Oh, no, you're not, because I'm through. I'm quitting. I'm no longer employed

here. You can deliver your messages yourself.

And listen, Miss Allenby, you'd better prepare yourself, because I'm going to

hang up again. Ready?

Hey, look, lady, I'm in a hurry. I've got to see your boss right away. I've

a very confidential matter to discuss with him. The person who operates this

peculiar enterprise is not here.

But I... No, I don't know where he is nor when he will return.

Well, what if... His actions, his affairs, his entire life are no concern

mine. That's what happens to you here.

Yeah, I hear all right. I ain't deep.

But if you ask me, I think you're a little slug nutty.

Hello, girly.

I mean, fella.

Hey, what do you got here?

Here, a bed for you. Give you worms.

Here. Here, you take that.

Here. Hey.

Did you see a baby as you came upstairs?

A baby? Yes, about so big, wearing a sweater and hat.

A baby I didn't see. Two men, I thought. They looked to me like gangsters.

Gangsters? The dirty loafers gave me a push and rushed downstairs with a

Oh!

Lady!

Lady, all of a sudden you are so nervous.

Are you in trouble?

They're kidnapping a baby. Quick, we must stop. But, lady, I came here to

collect my money. Please.

Lady, wait.

Kidnappers got their business and I got my business.

Live and let live.

Hey,

not so fast, you sap, and don't look so worried.

What, the cops are suspicionists?

Well, gee, Knuckles, suppose they tag us. Suppose they find that.

I'm supposing you keep your clam closed.

Make out like you was out joyriding and I was your girl.

Look out!

The cop!

They spotted us! Give up the gas! I told you we had... Not that gas! This!

Ouch!

Lady, please!

Stop the car!

I'm begging you in my mind's name!

I'll not take the last premium of my life insurance.

I'll be back.

Shut up and keep driving.

Okay, sister, the joyride's over. Pull up.

No, don't get away.

Pull up.

They kidnapped us.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, and they got the landfill, baby.

The landfill, baby?

We went in all the 30 miles an hour. His wife's in the hospital.

He's going to have a baby.

What's up?

They got the missing Lancel baby.

We didn't pull no snatch.

Give me my way around with this, Captain.

They fell off a truck, Captain. Of course, my heart, they did.

This way, sir.

Mr. Lancel is in the library.

Oh, Mr. Lancel.

My name is Preston Patton. What do you know about my baby? Now, calm yourself,

Mr. Lancel. The baby is perfectly well and in good hands. Is it being held for

ransom? Is that why you're here? Of course not. I'm here to tell you. Here

tell him what?

Why, about the baby, that's all. Yeah, what about the baby?

Well, it's a long story and I can explain it in one word.

Misunderstanding. Where's the kid is what I want to know.

Right here at my office.

Confidential services, eh? You the go -between?

I am not.

Oh, come now. Visit my office and see for yourself. It'll only take ten

Flanagan, get a couple of men down there right away.

Yes, yes. Let's all go. Let's hurry. All right. Get going.

Listen, I guess you don't know who I am.

Pick up your heels and scram.

And don't leave your hutch because we might want to question you. But I'm the

janitor. I'm responsible.

Outside.

Looks like a phony stare to me. There ain't no kid in there.

That's a shame we ain't got no search warrant so we can go through this joint.

Yeah.

You looking for somebody?

Who are you?

There's me visiting card.

Are you investigating Patton?

No, we're just doing a little boondoggling.

Who are you? My name is Rockwell.

Oh, I'll bet you're K .S. Rockwell, the banker.

Yes, I am.

Do you know who I am?

I'm Maxie Bear, the fighter, and I've got a note to sock you and the snoot

for getting too fresh with me.

Rockwell.

I must be in the wrong place. No, no, you got the right place, girlie, but you

got the wrong guy. You asked for Patton, didn't you?

No, I... Yeah, and he was going to collect that ransom swag, and you two

going to beat it.

That's why you got the bag with you, and that's why you're here.

Am I right? Let go of me. You're hitting my wrist.

Rockwell, what are you doing in this place? I'm looking for my daughter.

Rockwell? This begins to look like wholesale kidnapping.

Pat, what's happened? Who are these people? I'll explain everything in a

Simpy!

Simpy!

Simpy! You getting personal?

Why?

Oh, I can't imagine. You were imagining fine a little while ago.

You men finding the signs of a baby being here?

No, sir. We searched the place from top to bottom. There ain't nothing here.

Hey! There must have been a kid here after all. Look what I found. So you

searched the place from top to bottom, did you?

Oh, well, I... What have you done with my baby? Where have you taken him? I

you what.

Well, has the baby been found? Quiet,

quiet. Who are all these people? Suspicious characters. They were calling

Patton. I can explain this. What's in here? A bedroom.

A bedroom.

You don't.

That's none of your business. What is it? It's a clue.

It's a letter. You see that? He was trying to destroy it.

Lookie.

Your fiancé, Miss Allenby, is on her way here to elope with you.

I don't know which one to be sorry for.

Goodbye, racketeer Patton.

I won't see you for a long time.

I seldom visit prisons.

Very interesting. Yes, sir. Be in code, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Everybody to headquarters. We'll get us the bottom of this. Come on. Now, look

here.

So,

it's hot stuff, you said.

We'll leave it at the agency, you said, till we find a fence to handle it.

You and your master mind.

Go ahead. Kick a guy when he's down. Maybe I ain't burning.

Double -crossed by a frail and an amateur.

I had little Peter all dressed and ready to take out. So you admit you had the

baby? Yes, but I was going to return him to his parents. Ain't you ashamed of

yourself snatching a kid?

How would you like to be a kid and have somebody snatch you? Shut up, Knuckles.

I ain't gonna ride in the same car with this mom.

Let me out of here. Take it easy.

Why did you come to the Lancel home alone?

Yeah, I wanted to bring the baby with you. I was going to. I bet you were,

you got the ransom money. That's not true. I know it's futile to plead with

but my wife, well, she isn't strong and a blow might... I know how Mrs. Lancel

must feel.

Please believe me, I'm just as anxious to find that baby as you are. Oh, cut

the sob stuff and come clean. You snatched that baby. I did nothing of the

Mr. Lancel, you needn't wait.

I'll call you as soon as there's any report to be made.

Thank you.

I'm telling you the truth, Inspector. I'm not a kidnapper. Then why don't you

explain what you've done with my daughter?

Why do you refuse to let me talk to her?

You talk to her all right.

She's my secretary.

I was until you called up.

What?

Oh, so that's why she was so rude.

Rosa's not rude.

She's sweet and lovely and charming and grand.

Pat, do you know what this means?

Certainly I know what it means. It means she's disappeared.

It means we've got to find her. And we'll find the baby, too. Why doesn't

mention the child in this letter?

Why does she call you Racketeer Patton?

Oh, well, she didn't mean that. Just kidding. Great sense of humor.

This letter's enough to jail you.

I warned you about it.

Hello? Yes?

On the way up?

Good. I urged you to dismiss her from the very beginning.

Mary Elizabeth, you'll do me a great favor if you keep quiet.

Preston Patton!

Come in.

Here she is, Inspector.

Have they found the baby yet?

You mean, you haven't got him?

Oh. Inspector, they've located the Lancel kidnapper. Where? He's trapped at

East 68th Street. What? Well, that's my house.

Well, that's just dandy.

Come on. Bring him on.

The

dog

pound. You know, pound like on a scale.

Say, who is this talking?

Fifty -five on the waist.

What's it all about?

Where's the baby? Hey, will you shut up and let me handle this?

No, no. Pound like my hammer. Didn't you ever have a nail? Pound!

You yellow hound. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Somebody take the dog away from me.

Get out, you son of a champion son of Satan.

I'm going to throw him the lamb chop and decoy him over. Then you run for the

door. Hello, Inspector.

We're getting long swell here now.

Here she goes.

Get you chuckle -headed dog.

String slipped out of my hand. Say, what is this? Some kind of an outdoor sport?

Yeah, it's... No, that's the kidnapper. We caught him red -handed. Oh, you did?

Well, that happens to be Colonel Allenby, the advertising man.

What's he doing here?

What's he doing? The kid's staked out in the dog house.

Throckwell. I think I must be your father.

Oh, they're gone.

I came in contact with... Father!

Father!

Mammy!

Operator, I had the police department.

Hello, police department?

Yes, he left his coat in the restaurant and said he'd be back in a few minutes.

Oh, I'm so worried about with kidnapping...

Now, I think you children are perfectly right.

I'm going to make a clean breast of it. Tell my age and everything.

Poor dad.

Hello.

You two wait here a moment.

His age?

Well, I'd say he was about 53, although he looks much younger, a great deal

younger. In fact, he really only looks to be about 40.

Ruth.

Kenneth!

Never mind, he's here.

How did you know my age?

Well, the things you said and the songs you sang and the people you know. Why?

And you know about Rosalind?

Rosalind? My daughter.

Your daughter?

Come here.

Pat, you have no right to make me believe that Colonel Allenby was my

Now, now, now, I've explained everything.

Yes, I know, but... Rosalind.

Rosalind.

I want you to meet your stepmother.

How do you do? How do you do? And this is... Your new son -in -law. What?

Why, Pat, I... Now, now, now. Calm yourself.