Original subtitles

Man: To arms! To arms! The British are coming!

The British are coming! To arms! To arms!

Mike: In america in 1775, most of US Americans

were afraid of the British.

Oh, but, of course, some Americans

weren't afraid of them at all.

Reggie, baby!

It's safe!

He's gone to fight your regiment at Lexington.

Oh, good show!

Yes, back in those days,

the American woman admired the englishman

for many things--

the smart way he dressed--

in contrast to their beatnik American husband.

Also, the englishman was so proper.

He always did the so-proper thing

at the so-proper time.

Brisk instant tea, my dear.

Reggie, baby, you think of everything!

Not quite, my dear.

Lovely shot, old man!

Hold my cup, darling, will you?

( Gasps )

Well, that's how it was with the englishman

and the American woman.

And unfortunately, for US American men,

it's still going on today.

Well, this is the story of an englishman--

Bruce Patterson--

who was a neighbor of mine during the time

he was associate professor of archeology

at a California university.

**

( All chewing gum )

Oh, no! Listen!

Listen!

Radio announcer: Miss Helen bushmill--

well-known west coast fashion designer--

today announced her engagement

to British archeologist Bruce Patterson.

No. It can't be.

Impossible.

Mr. Patterson at present

is associate professor of archeology

at California university.

I can't believe it.

Yesterday he was so wonderfully eligible.

Yeah, well, they aren't married yet.

Let's draw straws to see who kills her.

Really, miss Turner.

Oh, professor, I'm sorry.

I hope you'll be very happy.

Not if you draw the short straw.

Oh, professor Patterson?

Yes, miss pilkington?

I most sincerely wish you and your beautiful miss bushmill

the very best of British luck.

Thank you, miss pilkington.

Naturally, you would understand.

Now, where did we leave off?

Oh, yes, the jolly old cro-magnon man.

Good looking fellow, isn't he?

Uh, very much like the modern man,

except for the fact that he, as you notice, has a gap.

As man gradually progressed through the ages

and became more and more civilized,

the teeth became gradually more even

and the gap disappeared.

I rather think it gives him something, in a way.

( Laughing )

There is a theory that the gaps were used

to make animal noises, bird noises, signals,

and also to decoy other birds and animals.

Um, this is purely a theory, of course--

I don't know whether it's true or not--

but I have carried out some personal experiments,

and at least I do know that it's practical.

For instance, an English linnet Finch.

( Imitating bird call )

I hope you'll forgive me for giving you the bird.

( Laughter )

**

Mike: Professor Bruce Patterson

lives on the beach in Santa Monica

in a house he rents from his fiancée-- Helen bushmill--

who is in Paris on business, viewing the new fashions.

I live in that elegant trailer on the left.

Here I am, doing what I usually do

when I'm not studying law or chasing girls.

And speaking of girls,

I happen to live with this underslung female

who is named Jessica,

after an underslung maiden aunt of mine.

Jessica also is very fond of the professor...

Just like most American girls.

American girls really dig the professor's British charm.

Oh, good afternoon, Jessica.

( Yawns )

Don't tell your master I'm home.

I've got some papers to correct.

But maybe Jessica is mercenary.

Knowing the professor is an archeologist,

she probably figures someday he'll come up with some bones for her.

( Humming )

But here in his bachelor flat on the pacific,

the professor can relax

and get away from all those amorous college girls.

He can brew his tea and dream of getting married for the first time

to Helen bushmill.

The professor thinks Helen also is getting married for the first time.

But unfortunately, Helen, like most women,

hasn't told him everything about her past--

especially one little thing that just happened to have happened

17 years ago.

Mother?

Mother?

Mother!

Mother?

"To Bruce--

"with all my love.

Just you forever."

( Humming )

* this old man, he played one *

* he played knick-knack on my drum, ooh *

* with a knick-knack, paddy-whack *

* give a dog a bone

* this old man came rolling home *

( humming )

Mike: Hey, professor?

Hmm? Ho.

Michael? Yes, I'm in the bedroom.

I brought our telephone back.

Oh, thanks.

Help yourself to a refreshing glass of soda water.

You read what's left of my mind.

Sweet of you, professor.

What's sweet?

I mean, it was sweet of you

to build a doghouse for Jessica.

Doghouse? It just arrived.

Ah, I'll be. A bone.

A bone? It's the leg bone of a dinosaur.

Catch it around here, did you?

As a matter of fact...

I came across it purely by accident

while I was digging last summer

in an area quite some way from their natural habitat.

I sent it to Baxter at Oxford.

He said this is between 57 and 58 million years old.

Hmm. I'd drink to that, professor,

but you've goofed. You're, uh... Out of scotch.

There's plenty in the cabinet over there.

No scotch, but lots of gin.

I'm sure it's there.

Hmm. I must be cracking.

Fantastic devils.

Someday I'll write a book about them.

Got the perfect title for you--

raising dinosaurs in your backyard

for fun and profit.

Hmm? A ha!

Careful, Michael! What?

Oh. Adolph--sorry.

Difficult to find decent shrunken heads these days.

Your troubles are over, professor.

I have got a laundry that can shrink anything.

Which reminds me, I gotta pick up some shirts.

Got a hot one on for tonight.

Ah, and I must buzz off.

I'm dining with professor bowman--

not to mention his lovely lady wife.

Bowman--that's the guy that's competing against you

for the same digging Grant, huh?

Not much competition, I'm afraid.

The college is bound to give him the Grant.

He's got seniority, and he's a most excellent man.

Do you know, Michael, if they did give me the Grant,

Helen and I could go digging

for the rest of that fellow in the desert on our honeymoon.

What?

You see, when Helen gets back from this trip,

she and I plan to spend a whole year together,

just digging.

Sounds cozy.

Just you two and the sand flies.

( Growling )

Jessica! What on earth are you doing?!

Shame, Jessica! And you just had dinner.

( Growling )

You're a very naughty dog.

Come on, sweetheart.

You don't care whose heart you break, do you?

Michael, this is a very valuable bone!

It's you or me, professor.

Either you get a smaller bone,

or I get a bigger dog.

Come on.

Mmm.

( Humming )

( Bottle clanks )

Michael?

( Humming )

( Clatter )

Is that you, Michael?

( Clatter )

Michael?

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Jessica, what are you doing in there?

What the devil?!

No, don't be angry. I didn't do anything.

You must be in one of my classes.

Classes? No, no classes.

You--

you must be "prehistoric maiden"

or "young but willing",

and if so, where's your shovel?

Let me go!

I'll put a stop to this nonsense once and for all.

You're all the same, you sex-minded college girls.

I've never been to college!

Explain all that to the police.

Aah! Ah!

Oh!

What are you doing to me?!

No! You let me out of here!

No!

Let me out!

( Shouting )

What are you doing?

Quiet.

No!

You there, operator.

No!

Get me the police. I've got a wayward girl here.

I'm not one of your students!

( Sobbing )

Never mind.

You're not really one of my students?

I'm really not.

All right.

Very sorry.

But you can easily make mistakes, you know.

All you girls look alike,

dress alike and act alike.

Who are you, then?

Libby...

Smith.

Where do you come from, miss Smith?

Originally or lately?

I mean, what are you doing in my house?

Is this your house?

Well, I pay the rent.

Well...

I came looking for some food.

See, I haven't eaten since yesterday,

and i'm awfully hungry.

You're really hungry?

Well...

Never mind. I'll find someplace else.

No, no, no, no, no. If you're really hungry,

I couldn't possibly turn you away.

Where's the kitchen?

Through here.

Oh, by the way, i'm, uh--

do forgive me, but I was just--

oh, that's all right.

I'm professor Bruce Patterson.

Hope you'll forgive me for treating you so harshly, but...

Believe it or not, young women have done this sort of thing before.

Oh, it was really my fault.

I shouldn't have sneaked in like that.

But it looked like such a friendly house,

and that picture in there--

she looks so friendly.

That's my fiancée, and she is friendly.

Well, I must finish dressing.

Help yourself to the fridge.

Have all you want, and then, uh...

Run along, eh?

Why haven't you eaten since yesterday?

I ran away from boarding school.

Well, why didn't you go back to your parents' house?

It's just my mother.

I don't think she wants me around.

Having a daughter my age

probably makes her feel old.

Well, that's rotten.

Oh, well, you'll have to go back

to boarding school, won't you?

( Mutters ) I'm going to stay right here.

I wanted to stay in my own house.

I gotta be honest with you, eh?!

It wasn't a boarding school I ran away from.

It was a...

Juvenile delinquent institution!

The--the cops are after me!

I'm on the run, brucie baby!

What did you say?

Hey, you're proud of them legs, ain't you?

I'm sorry. I didn't have time to dress.

Cute, but not the length they're wearing.

Never mind about that.

Tell me about the cops-- I mean the police.

Well, that's why I couldn't eat nothin'.

Why, if I went into one of them eatin' joints,

they would've spotted me like that.

I'd have been sent back and beaten all over.

You mean they beat you?

You want I should show you my black-and-blues?

No, no, no! All right!

Hey, pretty good chicken.

TV dinner, or you cook it?

No, I didn't. Now, listen to me.

Mmm! Our fiancée's a good cook.

My fiancée didn't cook it.

Oh, you got a gal that cooks for you, huh?

I thought guys only played around

after they got married.

Listen to me, I don't play around.

Want some? No, thank you.

That chicken was kicked by an elderly cleaning lady

who comes in here every week.

( Doorbell rings ) Oh, crumb! Who's that?

What are you scared of?

I'm scared-- I'm afeared--

I mean, I'm afraid of anybody finding me like this

with an attractive girl like you.

You think I'm attractive, huh?

Miss Smith, would you mind getting out of here?

Listen, if that's the elderly cleaning lady,

tell her I like beef stroganoff.

We never get that at the delinquent factory. Ha!

Here, brucie baby!

Oh, god!

Oh! Just like my old lady.

You'd make a good pair.

You both hate kids.

I don't hate anybody. Now, hide in my bedroom.

And where are you gonna sleep?

Young lady, I happen to have a reputation.

Ha! At this rate, you're gonna keep it.

Can you keep quiet? All right, legs.

( Laughs )

( Doorbell ringing )

Coming, coming.

( Doorbell ringing )

Coming.

Mmm. Hiya, beautiful.

( Humming )

What's all the racket about?

Having a party?

No, no.

No, I'm all alone.

Ooh, not anymore!

I brought a few goodies. Mmm!

Baked them in my own little oven!

Just for you.

Excuse me, you must have the wrong house.

Oh, don't you worry about a thing.

** a little mood music.

Got a little...

( Humming

mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

Some mood smell.

And...romantic candlelight.

Ooh!

There we go.

And I picked these myself. Mmm!

Please, you must have lost your way.

Ooh! My specialty.

Mmm.

One of them, anyway.

( Squeals )

Now, here we go.

Oh, dear.

Ooh! Martini time!

( Squealing )

Oh, dear. Are you in one of my classes?

Me? I'm too dumb for college.

You--you can call me Gladys.

Now, sit down and tell me

how you got that-- ooh, that cute gray in your temples. Hmm?

It must be white by now.

Look, miss-- uh, Gladys--

Mike: Stay there, Jessie.

Call me when Gladys gets here.

I'm just going for a drink.

Is junior coming here?

Are you his Gladys?

Well...he thinks so.

Um, where am I gonna hide?

Oh, he has a vicious temper!

Oh! What are you doing?

Oh, what are you-- you're ruining--

oh! Oh!

( Shouting )

Mom, did you make a boo-boo.

Hide in the clothes cupboard.

In the who? In the closet!

I can't get in here.

Your clothes are too fat. Ha ha!

Hide in the bathroom, the bathroom.

( Muttering )

Bathroom? Ohh.

( Clatter )

( Sighs )

Oh! Hello, Michael.

I need a drink.

Please, help yourself.

I've got to finish dressing. I'm late for dinner.

Me, too. Gladys promised to bring some food over.

Hasn't shown up yet.

How about that? Hmm.

Gladys? Gladys?

Who's this? Never mind.

Is this the woman you're going to marry? Shh!

I hear you're just stringing the gal along

to get free rent.

( Whispers ) Quiet, please.

Hey, professor? I just remembered something.

Michael, just a minute! Just a minute!

I'm changing!

Oh! Oh!

What are you doing?

Under the bed. Under the bed?

Nobody ever asked me to do that before.

Can I come in a second?

Just a minute, just a minute!

Okay, Michael--oh!

Uhh! Mmm!

Come on.

What's the matter, professor?

Don't you like me anymore?

No, that isn't it. Sorry, Michael.

A little jittery. What do you want?

The laundry-- it was cluttered.

( Telephone ringing ) I was just wondering if I could borrow--

borrow anything you like. Sorry.

( Thud )

Hello?

Professor Patterson? Did you forget?

Oh, no, no, Dr. Bowman.

The dinner party?

I'm so sorry. I've been detained.

Detained?

Your dry Martini is liable to get damp.

Ha ha! Dry marti-- what's detaining you?

Oh, um--

oh, a most interesting dinosaur bone

I dug up in a most unexpected place.

Really? Where did you find it?

Oh. Heh. That would be telling--

( clatter ) Michael!

What?!

Boy, are you edgy.

I told you the laundry was closed.

I want to borrow a shirt.

Shirt? Of course.

Boy, that was fast.

( Doorbell rings ) Someone's ringing on my doorknob.

I mean, somebody's knocking on my doorbell.

Michael, go and see who it is, will you?

Yeah. Please.

Wait--

Dr. Bowman? Yes, professor Patterson?

I'll be with you in a half an hour.

All right, professor.

A dinosaur--

a dino--

he's found a dinosaur bone!

Gladys?

Gladys! Hello there!

Is he gone, beautiful?

No, but you are-- out the window.

( Grunting )

Oh!

Professor, there's a Bobby out here

that wants to talk to you about some kind of--

oh!

Come on.

( Squeals )

Professor, I just want to tell you--

( grunts )

Thank you. Thank you.

I said there's a Bobby out here.

Bobby who?

Police?

( Stammers )

You're not edgy. You're over the edge.

Yes.

Yes, officer?

You live here?

Yes, at night.

Heh! I'm so sorry. Of course.

Bruce Patterson-- professor Bruce Patterson.

I see. You called about a wayward girl.

Yes. A wayward girl?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

Somebody called from this number,

and they canceled the call.

Are you sure it wasn't you?

Oh, no, no. Michael...

Have you been using the telephone?

I don't get rid of wayward girls-- I collect 'em.

( Laughs ) I see.

I, sir, am only a wayward customer

of this quaint old pub.

He's a near neighbor of mine.

Actually, he's right next door, as a matter of fact.

I see. You mind if I look around?

Oh, please do.

Ah-ah-ah! You got a search warrant?

Do I have a what?

A search warrant. See, the law clearly states--

Mike, Mike, Mike.

See, he's studying law.

By all manner and means, do look around--

in here, in the kitchen.

Heh. Excuse me. I'll finish dressing.

Well, a jacket-- a dinner jacket.

I'm going out to dinner with some friends,

and I was almost ready to go.

Excuse me, thank you.

Lawyer?

Gladys? Hello there!

Oh! Oh!

Gladys! Hello there!

Gladys? Gladys? Are you there?

Are you there?

Come on, come on.

Oh, I was just having some fun.

Whoo! See how much fun we can have together?

( Laughs )

Who does he think he's kidding?

You're so wonderful, not cheating on a friend.

I can't wait till you two become enemies.

Mmm!

Thank you.

Well, hello there. Eloping?

Oh, yeah. I got a midget in here.

Come on, wayward.

Get out of here before that policeman finds you.

Did that cleaning lady bring my beef stroganoff?

I've never seen her before

and, with a little luck,

I'll never see her again, or you.

Come on.

Buy yourself some food.

Hey, is this for real?

Hey, are you for real?

Hey, I'll tell the gang never to Rob this house, all right?

Hey, you're an ace.

( Grunting )

Thanks for the loot, pal!

Whoo!

Mm! Gladys!

Hi, junior.

This the wayward girl you called about?

No, no-- hey, my wayward girl.

Then what was she doing outside his back window?

His back window? My back window?

Your back window. I got the feeling

she just climbed out of that window.

Professor, what's going on here?

Gladys: Was just coming over to keep our date.

Uh, is this professor Patterson?

Uh, no. You said you were going to introduce US.

Professor Patterson, Gladys schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp. How are you, professor?

( Laughs )

They make a charming couple, yes?

( Sighs )

Lovely night, isn't it?

You ever seen once of these before?

It's something, isn't it?

It's a dinosaur-- the shin bone.

Which reminds me of the story of the dinosaur--

the three dinosaurs-- I don't know if you know.

They were called foot-foot-foot, foot-foot and foot.

And one day, foot-foot-foot and foot-foot and foot were playing,

and foot said to foot-foot, "foot-foot,

I'm not feeling very well."

And foot-foot said to foot-foot-foot,

"foot-foot-foot, did you hear?

Foot isn't feeling very well."

Well, to cut a long story short, foot died,

and seven weeks later-- or it might've been one--

I don't think it matters very much to the story at all--

foot-foot-foot and foot-foot were playing,

and foot-foot said to foot-foot-foot,

"foot-foot-- foot-foot-foot--

I'm not feeling very well."

And foot-foot-foot said, "I do hope you'll recover,

because we've got one foot in the grave already."

( Laughs nervously )

( Sighs )

Did you notice how nervous

professor Patterson was all evening?

Yeah.

Like a dinosaur on a hot tin roof.

Yeah. I couldn't get a thing out of him.

But that man never goes below the paleolithic age.

Where did he find that dinosaur bone?

Hmm. You don't suppose that englishman

discovered it here in California-- in Santa Monica?!

Literally in my own backyard?!

I'm glad he found it.

Our disposal couldn't handle it.

Where did he find-- oh! Ow!

**

"Dear professor,

"thanks for the loan.

"I never take money from strangers

unless I steal it."

Hmm!

"P.s.: Don't worry, I've found a place to sleep."

( Ringing )

Hello?

Oh, Paul. How are you?

Oh, lunch?

I'm afraid I can't. I've got to go to a showing.

Libby? No, she's in school.

Later?

Well...

Yes. I'll be there.

Okay.

Au revoir.

**

Helen! Mon cheri!

Oh, Paul!

How good it is to see you!

Hurry, I have a surprise for you!

Yeah. I have a surprise for you, too.

Ohh. Ha ha! Every time I climb those stairs,

they get higher.

Mon cheri, you look lovelier than ever.

You're a charming and a lying friend.

Oh, no, no, I mean it.

Now, we both have surprises.

Hmm. Which one first?

Yours.

All right.

Oh, Paul, it's lovely.

Lovely?

Oh, not my work-- my models.

It's yours.

A gift from the artist

who adores both-- mother and daughter.

Why did it have to happen this way?

**

( ringing )

Wow. What happened? The professor cooking breakfast?

We eat, sweetheart.

Hey, teach?

( Napping ) Over here, teach.

Morning! Ha!

Hey, what's that you're wearing?

Morning.

Merely a device for keeping the sea mist out of my hair.

Why are you sacking out here?

'Cause someone was sacking in my bed.

But there's a big couch in there.

This way, miss Smith,

nobody could say we slept under the same roof.

Oh. Anyway, I made you some chow.

( Yawns )

Mike: Come on, Jess-- we eat!

Crumbs!

Come on.

Be quiet! He mustn't know you're here.

( Indistinct chatter )

Hey, professor!

Hey, professor! Michael?

Run down to the store. I'm out of, uh, milk.

Milk? Yeah, milk! Milk!

Yeah, get me, uh, a couple of quarts!

You know, those big quarts-- the large size.

Hope you know what you're doing.

Oh, dear.

Please get dressed and go before he comes back.

Who is that jerk, anyway?

Hmm, jerk? He's a very nice fellow.

He's temporarily out of funds.

He lives in the trailer in the front.

He was here when I rented the place.

A boarder, eh?

I like him, and he respects me.

You're kidding.

Well, i-- I have no intention

of disillusioning him, so please go.

I didn't know how you liked your eggs,

so I made you three one-minute eggs,

two two-minute eggs,

and one three-minute egg.

And fried, scrambled and poached!

What'll it be, teach?

No, no, thanks. I'm too nervous to eat.

I'm gonna get awful fat living here.

Living here?

Well, I slept here.

I slept out there!

Who's gonna believe you?!

Listen, this is a good hideout, ace,

and I'm shacking up till the heat's over!

So relax, brucie baby!

That sweet, adorable child of yours.

Any man would be happy to be her father.

What's wrong with him?

There's nothing wrong with Bruce.

It's all my fault.

See, I just...

Didn't get around to telling him that I'd already been married,

so it was pretty hard to bring up a 17-year-old daughter.

An archeologist.

Mm.

Where'd you meet him, in a cave?

Not really. I rented him my beach house.

And where was Libby?

Away at school.

Well, you must tell him about Libby.

Oh, I intend to.

Of course, it may scare him away.

I may lose him.

**

( Engine revving )

( Tires screech )

( Humming )

( Ringing )

Yeah, hello there?

Oh, it's you, junior.

Well, junior would just like to tell Gladys

that she forgot something in the englishman's bedroom last night.

What are you-- what are you talking about?

Then the cop was right-- you were in his bedroom last night.

All right. Suppose the cop was right.

You don't own me, junior.

That's all I wanted to know.

( Click ) Ohh!

Heh.

( Humming )

Whoops!

( Shivering ) Mmmmm!

Ooh.

( Humming )

Hiya, ace!

I say--i would like some privacy while I'm dressing.

I knew you were dressed. I already peeked through the keyhole.

Ah, they're still wet. Never get drip-dry.

Do you mean to tell me that you left those things

in full view of everyone?

Yeah! Oh, what's the use?

Hey, where you goin'?

Miss Smith, I cannot forcibly evict you,

because doubtless you would accuse me of manhandling you.

Yeah, I figured it pretty good.

The papers are full of lecherous men

and innocent little girls.

Precisely. In the language of your world,

I'm up the diabolical creek.

Hey, now, wait-- it ain't that bad.

I tell you what I'll do--

if it gets too dew-droppy out there,

I'll give you my bed, and take the couch, okay?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

Miss Smith, you can have the whole place to yourself.

What do you mean, eh?

I mean that i'm going to an hotel

where I shall have proof

that I have not been consorting with you.

Good day, miss Smith.

Oh, boy, did I underestimate you!

You and your sanctimonious yak-yak about love and marriage,

and all this time you're playing around with my Gladys!

Gladys? Michael, don't be so absurd.

Absurd, huh? All right.

Blighty, explain these.

Exhibit a. Exhibit b.

These, your honor, are the property

of one Gladys schmidlapp.

The prosecution rests its case.

Here, look, Michael.

Your honor, may I suggest

that the prosecutor gets himself glasses?

For heaven's sake, Michael.

Gladys couldn't get into that.

And is this Gladys'?

Uh...

Couldn't be Gladys'.

It, uh-- it's padded, too.

Where do you get off?!

The nerve!

Padded! Little dab of cotton,

and you call it padded.

Who's the small one with the big mouth?

Michael, I know you're not going to believe this,

but I don't know who she is.

She broke in here last night.

She slept in my bed last night,

without my permission, of course.

She says she escaped from a reformatory for delinquents,

where they beat her,

and she's got the black and blue marks to prove it.

Look, miss Smith, please--

this is the name she gave--

miss Smith, for the last time,

in front of a witness,

will you please put on your clothes and go?

With a damp bra? You want me to get a chest cold or something?

Or pneumonia. Maybe even double pneumonia.

Funny. Good-bye, Michael.

I'm going to an hotel.

Just a minute! Hey!

Who do you think you're groping?

I intend to find out-- I'm his lawyer.

You, a lawyer? A!

Quite right. Michael is studying law.

You're my first client?

Now...

What's your name?

Why don't you go get another drink?

You're nutty.

Hey, small stuff,

you're alone here with two grown men.

Anything can happen, so answer the question.

All right. All right.

All right. What's your name? Libby Smith.

What'd you get sent up for? Stealing.

And they beat you? I got the bruises.

I'd like to see 'em. Michael!

Well, as your lawyer,

I feel I should be able to view the evidence.

However, if you don't want to see her bruises--

I do not.

All right, so you got sent up for stealing.

For stealing what? We stole cars.

Who's "we"? The gang.

How'd you get into the gang? I met a guy!

And then what? He introduced me to the rest of the gang.

And you started stealing? We call it "borrowing."

And then you started ducking the police? Yeah.

And the professor here-- he's your patsy? Yeah.

And if he throws you out, you'll open your big mouth and say you spent the night.

That's it, Clarence.

Professor, unpack your bags.

You're not going anywhere.

Clarence-- I mean, Michael--

for one moment, I thought you had the makings--

professor, I said to unpack your bags.

Now, miss, uh-- Smith.

Yeah, Smith. You couldn't have spent the night here.

Prove it. I can, because I didn't see you here.

How could you see me when I was in his bed?

Because I was in bed with him.

You--

the professor was having one of his nightmares.

I was here giving him hot milk.

So you couldn't have been alone with him.

I am his witness.

That's a lyin' lie!

Now you prove it.

Well, I got a witness says...

Your girl Gladys--

she was under his bed last night!

Gladys? Under a bed?

( Both laughing )

Oh, ridiculous.

No, no, you're not gonna cause trouble between US allies.

Mm, that's right-- US allies. Yes.

Good-bye, Libby Smith.

Well, professor, you'd better pop off to class.

You're gonna be late, you know.

I'll stay here, wait till she goes,

lock up and all that.

Thank you, Michael. You know, you really do have the makings

of a very good barrister.

With me gone, who'll be your witness?

Oh, professor!

She's...just a kid.

Exactly. I'll drop you off at your class.

Oh, but--but--

oh, good morning, professor Patterson.

Professor bowman.

A neighbor of mine-- Michael pulaski.

Oh, how do you do, sir? Hello.

Well, how did you sleep last night, professor?

Fine. Fine?

I thought you might've been up all night,

looking for the rest of your dinosaur.

( Laughs ) Hardly.

It's like--oh!

Nice to meet you, pulaski.

I'll be seeing you again, professor.

Bye, professor.

Got it! Got what?

You and bowman are after the same thing, right?

The university Grant? Yes.

And if you get in trouble, then he's got the Grant for sure.

Trouble?

Yeah, sort of like a scandal. Like a teenager.

Oh, but, Michael, the professor and I

are in friendly competition.

Just remember-- that kid is in your house

with that old bone that he's so interested in.

I flatly refuse to believe this.

Why did she go there? Why did she pick your place?

Why does she want to stay there? Ow, think.

Mm-hmm.

He did press rather a lot of martinis on me last night.

Aha! See?

Now, if you'd come home stiff and found that kid there,

who knows? You're English, but you're human.

Thank you.

Michael, will you do me a favor?

Will you drive straight back home?

Here's the key to the door.

Libby?

Libby?

( Dog barks four times)

Four barks? A ha! Gotta be jayne Mansfield.

All right, Jess, where is she?

( Barking )

Libby!

Libby!

Boy, am I glad you're still here. I thought you'd gone.

I am gone. I'm out of the house.

You lied to get me out, too.

But I had to. The professor's my buddy.

But don't you worry-- no, I won't worry.

But listen--i talked him out of putting you out.

You can stay, see?

Yeah, why'd you do that?

Because, honey, you're a--

the name's Libby. Sorry. Freudian slip.

Now, come on. Sit down.

Come on, come on, sit down.

Look, please, please--

now, I'll tell you why.

You escaped from a reformatory, right?

Yeah, right.

Well, if you are innocent,

you'll have to go back,

and, uh, if I could prove

that, um, they beat you,

then, uh...We'd have ourselves a case.

Wouldn't we? Simple as that.

Well, if you did keep me out of jail,

I don't know how I'd ever repay you.

Ohh! Even if you were rich,

I wouldn't take any of your money.

No? No, no.

Well, I'm just a kid.

Yeah.

Well, all I could give you is...

Some... Childish thing,

like--like--

Did he molest you, child?

Not him. He's got a terrible overbite.

Huh? That's a relief.

Once more. Let's be childish again.

You are.

So was I childish to listen to you,

to think that Dr. Bowman-- a scientist and gentleman--

would behave with such foolishness.

Luckily, I just arrived in time

before you could harm that child.

Child? That's no child.

That's a 40-year-old dwarf.

It takes time to learn how to kiss like that.

I can't throw you off the property.

Helen gave you a parking space

for that mobile sex wagon of yours.

She also gave you free electricity and water,

in exchange for which you were supposed to have done the chores.

I've tried to emulate Helen's generosity by being kind to you,

but in future, stay out of my house,

out of my bar and out of my way!

**

So I stole cars. I was the jag expert.

You know, those jags get a lot of loot

from the used car dealers.

Oh? Mm-hmm.

You know Sam beezlebub?

Beezlebub?

Yeah, the grinning irishman. He advertises on TV.

Oh, no. I've only been here for five months,

so I haven't got round to your better programs.

Oh, that's too bad.

Beezlebub bought all the cars that I stole.

( Clatter )

Ah, here he comes--

the law student in for his toddy.

Not anymore.

What do you want, Michael?

I've come to--

the bar's over there, bannister.

Barrister.

All right, big deal. So you can spell.

You're a lousy kisser, though.

What is it, Michael?

One thing you said before is right--

I did promise Helen I'd do the chores

in exchange for a free parking space.

You mind if I begin?

Well, Helen meant, uh, raking the leaves

and shooing the caterpillars out of the garden.

You know perfectly well Mrs. O'Connor does the housework.

I know, but i'm emotionally insecure, going all out.

Libby and I are also going out.

Going out where?

You'll see.

All right, well, I'm gonna get dressed.

Mike: Come on, Jess.

That's a girl.

Michael, i--I'm sorry I lost control of myself today.

It's okay, professor.

I really am sorry. It was most unbecoming of me.

When I, uh... Finish with the floors,

you want me to turn her bed down?

Hmm? Oh, uh, no, no. She's not coming back.

I'm taking her out for a bite to eat

and then to the sheriff's station.

There's nothing like a nutburger

with chili sauce on it.

No, there isn't, is there?

Glad you're enjoying it.

I like being with you.

I--i enjoy your company.

Hey, this is a crazy car.

I feel like I'm driving with no hands.

( Chuckles )

I'm beginning to see why that woman you're marrying went for you.

I don't know why she did,

but I'm certainly glad she did.

Where are we going?

We'll be there any minute.

Dancing!

Uh...not exactly, no.

Mmm. I love surprises.

( Laughs )

Sheriff's station? Mm-hmm.

You want me to go in there?

You must.

Well, it--it was a good nutburger

with chili sauce on it.

I thought you enjoyed my company.

Please don't make it more difficult.

Don't worry, I won't involve you.

Of course you won't. You're far too--

may I kiss you?

Daddy.

Yes, miss?

Do you know when the next bus leaves for Berkeley?

In about an hour.

Is there anything wrong?

Libby! Come here!

Come on.

What are you doing here?

I knew you wouldn't turn yourself in. Yeah?

I hate to see a kid out in the cold

when I got a nice, warm trailer.

You think I'm 15 or something?

No. And it kills me to say this,

but I promise-- no passes.

And the professor-- he won't know you're there.

Where would you sleep?

I'll take Jess' bed.

Oh, come on. Honest.

Why would you want to do it?

Because I'm a crazy, mixed-up kid.

True. True.

Besides, Jess barked at you four times.

What does that mean?

She may never do it again.

I want to be sure.

Libby:Echoing you said you enjoyed my company.

I do, I do.

You said you enjoyed my company.

I do, I do.

You said you enjoyed my company!

I do, I do.

You said you enjoyed my company!

I do, I do.

Then why'd you send me back?

You could've made an honest woman out of me!

I had to.

They beat me here!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(Screaming)

Did they hurt you, Libby?

Nah, I wore my rubber girdle. Hmm?

I wore my rubber girdle!

Oh, good show.

( Chuckling )

I'm gonna get out of here!

Hmm? O, no. You mustn't, you mustn't.

I'm out already!

I'm not only gonna steal jaguars,

I'm gonna kill all jag drivers!

No, Libby, you mustn't! You mustn't!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, get out.

No, no. Libby!

Okay, blubber. If it hadn't been for "legs",

you might've lived longer.

I say... Don't kill blubber.

Libby! Don't kill Mr. Blubber!

Libby! Don't kill blubber!

Libby!

Libby! Libby!

Don't kill blubber!

Libby, put that gun down!

No, stop!

Libby! Don't shoot blubber!

Bullets hurt! Don't shoot blubber!

Libby!

Libby...

Libby...

Hey. I'm...

Sorry I took you back to the reformatory.

Honest? Mm, I'm very sorry.

Well, that's all right, 'cause I didn't go.

I'm still here. Hey, teach? Hey!

You didn't shoot that lovely Mr. Blubber, did you?

What?

You--you escaped with your--

with your, um, rubber girdle.

Girdle?

Hey, you must've had a bad dream.

What are you doing here?

You were screamin'.

Hmm? Here were you?

I was out sleeping in Mike's trailer.

Oh. Hmm?

You sure were screaming, professor. Yeah.

What were you doing in Michael's trailer?

Sleeping. But listen, I don't like his bed.

It's too lumpy.

So I think I'll move back in and take the couch.

And if you have any bad dreams,

I'll make you some hot milk.

All righty?

Come on, kid.

Nighty-nighty.

Monsieur dukoff?

Just a moment, please.

Yes?

We were able to get you on the next plane to New York.

Oh, thank you.

Flight 729. It leaves in one hour.

Thank you. Thank you very much!

( Tires screech )

Guess who?!

( Laughs )

Mrs. Roberts... I'd never have known.

I won't be Mrs. Roberts very long.

My husband and I have called it a day.

So my nights are free.

And Helen's away, so you nights are free!

I'm late for class. ( Honks )

( Gasps )

Good-bye, Mrs. Roberts.

Radio announcer: And this is dick whittinghill,

inviting you back to our first-run second feature--

the trial of Mabel Smith.

Turn around, Jess. You're gonna like this.

Your name? Mabel Smith.

And you claim the reason you escaped from jail

was that you were beaten?

You want to see my bruises?

That won't be necessary.

Why were you in jail in the first place?

For stealing. For stealing what?

We stole cars.

"We"? Who's "we"?

The gang.

How did you get in the gang?

I...met a guy.

He introduced me to the rest of the gang.

He introduced me to the rest of the gang.

And you started stealing?

We called it "borrowing".

Well, we called it "borrowing".

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

**

( Clattering )

( Clatter continues )

( Whimpers )

( Thud )

( Snoring )

( Snoring )

( Whistling )

Oh, professor...

What are you doing?

Changing a tire, miss Turner.

Oh, I see.

And then you're gonna put on your spare tire.

That's right, miss Turner.

How interesting. Hardly.

I mean, it's interesting that you always carry two spare tires.

Miss Turner, I only carry one spare tire,

like everybody else.

Well, then you're wasting your time, professor.

Miss Turner...

I don't wish to appear rude,

but you would please leave me and my puncture alone?

Okay, professor.

I'll leave you and your two punctures alone.

I wonder what she meant by that.

Crumbs!

Miss Turner.

( Screeching )

I dig-dig you!

Miss Turner, keep your eye on the road!

Miss Turner, are you out of your mind?

Professor, I can't sleep nights because of you!

Take pills, miss Turner!

Professor, kiss me! Kiss me or I'll scream!

Go ahead, scream!

I can scream like Bette Davis!

No, no, no!

Don't scream like Bette Davis.

Then kiss me!

Kiss me!

You missed a place!

Do it where the lipstick is!

Please.

Why, professor...

Oh. Mrs. Roberts.

Come in, sweets. It's drinky time.

No, thank you very much. I'm just leaving.

Leaving? You're not leaving.

I only took archeology to be near you.

Miss Turner-- one of my students.

You must be a good teacher.

Oh, thank you.

Professor?

Professor!

Do you realize that i--

I even let the air out of your tires

just to be near you?!

Thanks for the lift, miss Turner.

**

Hi.

Hi. Where you been?

Barrister school.

When can we talk...

Car borrower?

Hey, what's the patch for? You breaking out again?

Come on, let's talk. You're not gonna catch anything here.

I know.

But I do keep trying.

Oh! Hey, I got a big one!

Get it! Catch it!

Ohh!

Give me that!

Hold on to it, now!

Hold on! Ohh!

Hold on, Mike!

Hey, come on, give it! It's my fish!

What do you mean? Who's pulling him in?

You got him?! I got him!

I got him!

You can't even hold on to the pole!

Watch out! Aah!

Help! Can't swim!

**

Libby! You're worse than Liz Turner!

He almost drowned.

What?

I'm giving him artificial...

Respiration.

Get a fire department.

Right. Yes.

You stinker!

Wait'll I tell the professor.

What are you gonna tell him? You're Helen's daughter?

What are you talking about?

I should've noticed the resemblance right off.

You're beautiful, just like your mother.

And I'm nutty about you.

You're nutty, period.

Where'd you get the key to the attic? That door's always locked.

It wa you.

Please don't say anything.

Not for me, but... For my mother.

All right?

It's a deal.

Thank you.

Lie down.

Thanks for saving my life.

What is this?

( Siren wailing )

The fire chaps are coming.

I'll sure be happy when the pulmotor gets here.

I could use it for myself.

Come on, you chaps!

Okay, kids, we'll take over.

( Muffled shouts )

( Laughs )

( Muffled shouts )

( Shouting continues )

**

I wonder where it could be.

What are you looking for?

My bone-- it's missing.

Missing? Ow could that bone be missing?

I don't know. Somebody must've taken it.

It couldn't just walk away.

Why not? It's a leg bone.

Michael, that is a very important bone.

I want to show it to Dean crowley tomorrow.

( Whines ) Michael...

Hmm?

You don't think that...

Jess took it? Ha! Come on, professor.

Jess like you. She's not gonna take your old bone.

Are you, Jess? ( Whines )

Jessica looks very guilty.

If she did take it, she would've left traces in the sand.

**

there you are-- she d drag it away!

Well, come on, don't just stand there!

Hello, professor Patterson.

Oh, hello, miss pilkington.

Lovely day. Excuse me.

There he is!

Here we are!

Oh, professor, look...

Oh! E's digging like a dog!

Probably an English bull.

Here it is!

I knew it! I knew it!

( Grunting )

Look at the size of that bone!

Ooh!

( Both chattering )

No! Don't do that!

( Shouting )

It's the shin bone of a dinosaur!

A beautiful specimen.

Relax, professor, you've got your old bone.

Michael, it isn't the bone.

I'm sorry, professor. So Liz Turner let the smog out of your tire.

Then what?

Out of my tires.

Sit down. Tell me all about it.

I'm so weary of it all.

Professor, you've got the kind of problem

that every American man would like to have.

Michael, it's no joking matter.

These girls will drive me up the wall.

You can stop it if you want.

How?

Be aggressive. Chase them.

They'll leave you alone.

Say that again.

Well, take me, for instance.

I run after girls, I come up empty.

I thought you were supposed to have success with the opposite sex.

To be perfectly honest with you, professor...

The only girls I get are the ones I promise to introduce to you.

Oh, Michael, you must be jesting.

It makes me sick to be so honest.

Well, take Gladys, for instance.

The only reason she brings me food and drink

is so I'll introduce her to you.

And Dolly-- remember Dolly?

Wasn't she the one who hid in the back of my car?

No, Dolly's the one who pretended to faint in your bathtub.

Gracious, yes, how could I possibly forget her?

Bend down to pull her out and got all those bubbles in my eyes.

Yes, yes, hmm, hmm.

Be aggressive, chase them? Mm?

That's in, professor.

I couldn't do that.

It's against my basic character.

You could do it with a bit of stimulus.

Come.

Now, uh... You know the story

of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Of course I do. A classic tale of split-personality.

The schizophrenic Dr. Jekyll drinks the potion

and turns into the horrible Mr. Hyde.

That's right.

A scotch...

And bourbon...

Potion.

I know you don't drink...

But greetings, Mr. Hyde.

You really think this will make any difference?

Heh heh. It'll take time--

a couple of seconds.

Will you bring in the bags, please?

Yes, lady.

Oh, hello, frank.

Oh, hello, miss bushmill.

So happy to see you home.

Thank you. It's good to be home.

You don't feel anything?

Not a thing.

Don't particularly care for the taste of it, either.

Maybe I shouldn't have made it with scotch and bourbon.

I'll make this one with vodka.

There's no taste to vodka.

Look what it does for nikita.

Paul! Are you following me?

Well, I thought perhaps I could be of some help...

In case things do not go as you wish.

Oh, Paul. You are a dear.

Thank you.

I was just on the way to the beach.

To tell him of Libby?

Yes, I'm going to tell him about Libby.

( Barking )

Well, Jessie, honey, are you glad to see me?

Oh! How are you, miss bushmill?

Is Bruce around?

Um...he's still at the college.

Oh. Well, I didn't call him

because I wanted it to be a surprise. Yeah.

( Laughing hysterically )

( Humming )

( Ringing )

Mm-hmm.

Guess who?

Splendid.

( Humming )

Professor...

I'm going to enroll in your classes.

I dig that crazy homework you do.

Mm! With your pupils.

Heh! Gorgeous creature, you.

( Sighs )

Aah! Oh! Oh!

Uh--

professor Patterson!

What's happened to you?

Aah! ( Laughing )

Well, that's Bruce and Mrs. Roberts!

( Screaming )

What's the matter with you?!

Because, uh--

where are you, maid Marion? Ah!

( Screaming )

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That is Bruce-- without his trousers!

Mister?

Martini time!

Wait for daddy.

( Muffled shouts )

Ooh, professor, what cute shorts.

You going swimming? I'll join you.

Why waste time swimming, my little stuffed olive?

( Laughing )

Professor, what's wrong with you?

Nothing! Ha ha ha ha!

Tally ho! Not to mention... Ole!

( Screaming )

Aha!

( Tarzan yell )

( Screaming ) ( Laughing )

Whoops!

Yah!

( Screaming )

( Strings breaking )

( Screaming )

Ah, there you are!

( Indistinct chatter and laughter )

Hello, professor Patterson.

Oh, miss pilkington!

Another lovely day.

Oh, yes.

Tally ho!

( Laughing )

Miss bushmill, don't do that because--

ohh!

Aha!

Aah!

( Laughing )

( Screaming ) Yah!

( Grunting )

Ha ha! Lizzie Turner.

Oh, professor.

Aah! Hat are you doing?

Huh! Mike! Mike?

( Screaming )

( Sighs )

Oh, Mike.

( Screaming )

( Yawns )

Bye-bye!

Mike, old boy!

It worked, just as you said!

Yippee!

Miss bushmill, let me explain.

I got him drunk. You see--

no, no, I don't see.

There he is--

the shy englishman I fell in love with.

While you were gone, the phone rang.

I answered it. Hmm?

It was Libby's school.

She has been missing for a week.

Missing?!

They said they tried to reach you.

Missing?

Where could she be?

Look!

Mother.

Libby!

Libby! Mother?

Ha ha!

Mother.

Why did you run away?

I just heard you'd been missing.

Ohh.

Ooh, he scares me sitting there like that.

What are you whispering about?

He couldn't hear a cape canaveral blast-off.

I never saw anybody that stiff, not even my mother.

It's like he's dead.

Hey, easy on the curves, huh?

Uhh...

You all right, professor?!

Hang on, old boy!

We're almost there!

There he goes... Just like mother.

Oh, thank you.

Honey, what's wrong?

I have to talk to you about something.

Do you two ladies wish to be alone?

No, Mr. Dukoff.

( Doorbell rings )

Excuse me.

Helen.

You--

you maniac!

Please listen to me.

I have done all the listening I intend to do,

you--you two-faced Judas!

I saw you today--

you and your ridiculous umbrella.

When I first met you, that umbrella was charming.

It was--it was a bit of old england.

( Sobbing ) Now it's become a symbol of my stupidity!

I should've known that any man who carried an umbrella in California

was a fool!

But not as big a fool as I've been!

Mother, listen, please.

Please listen.

And I'm happy to tell you

that I did not tell you the whole truth!

I have a 17-year-old daughter.

I'm 18 today.

An 18-year-old daughter.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

( Sobbing )

That ridiculous englishman.

Ridiculous umbrella!

( Thunder )

Come on!

( Thunder continues )

**

Darling, please forgive me.

It's raining in California!

Forgive me, too, please!

I'm Libby.

Yes. Libby Smith bushmill Patterson!

Libby Smith bushmill Patterson...

Pulaski?

Mike: Well, that's the way it was.

We were all wet and all together in togetherness.

And don't feel sorry for Gladys schmidlapp.

She did all right.

Paul and Gladys are now very happy in Paris,

where I think they got married.

( Hiccups )

And Helen and the professor--

they had their honeymoon in the desert,

where they're really digging.

And let's not forget professor bowman.

You find any bones yet, sweetheart?

Bowman: Echoing nope, no bones!

But there's something strange down here!

Strange? What do you mean?

( Crashing )

( Rumbling )

**