Original subtitles

Eleanor, go on in.

Hi.

What's going on?

Well, you're dead.

So what you're saying is I'm Poets Malone?

You're Toast Malone.

A Ghost Malone. Hey, let's leave it Malone. You're dead.

Well, that eats a bag of ducks.

You can't swear here.

Mother Forker.

That sucks bowls.

Where the fork is here exactly?

Am I up with the angels or down with Joe Rogan fans when they die?

Generally speaking, in the afterlife, there's a goo place and a bed place.

You, Ellen whore, shell strap on, you're in the goo place.

Oh, I think I just scored it a little.

You see, whether you end up here in the goo place or down there in the bed

place... All depends upon how you acted in your life on Earth.

There's a point system.

There's a point system based on the good and bad things you've done in your

life? Oh, no, no. Based on how much you forked.

That's why it's called scoring.

Makes sense.

And you were a porn star.

So you did so much forking, you just naturally ended up here in the goop

Yep, that was me. This is true. I did.

Not a mix -up. Right.

You were in such titles.

Two ducks in my ant hole, forked my tight pasta, crumb all over my face, the

plays, big crock cream pines, big wet graping holes, tempy forkers, and gong

bong sluts.

Uh, yeah, cool. I definitely remember doing all of those.

So I must have scored like... 69 million points.

And that got you up here in the goo place.

So this is your home.

We figured out since you were a sex -crazed nymphomaniac your whole life on

Earth, this was precisely where you'd want to live in the afterlife.

Yep, this is always how I assumed heaven would look like.

A dick -shaped cottage filled with humping clown art.

I know, isn't it great AF?

AF is dead millennial slang for as fork.

I got it.

Hi, Eleanor.

I'm your fork buddy.

I'm Treatie.

Treatie. That's an unusual name.

Yeah, it's because I have a tree size D.

Mama likey.

I'm a sixth ed professor, so do you want a fork now or a fork later?

We can do... Or we can fork on the couch or on the bed or maybe on the floor.

Or we can fork standing up and I can pile drive you. Maybe just missionary?

Is that word offensive up here?

Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, I just have trouble making sexual decisions.

Well, hey, I gotta run. I got some other forkers to meet, but, uh, toodles.

Bye. Bye.

So, I have to tell you something.

Oh, okay.

And since you're a sex ed professor, you have to give your oath of office so you

can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.

Actually... I think you're thinking of a lawyer or a priest.

Sorry, I wasn't listening to all that because I was thinking about how this

has way too many plot lines.

Oh. Anyways, I'm not a porn star.

Excuse me?

I've only had sex with a few people in my life because I spend all my time

masturbating. Hey, if you were a hot babe like me, you'd be forking yourself

the time, too.

Well, this is a sexual conundrum.

Kenzie once said, the only natural sex actor is the one you cannot perform.

But Spongebob Square Nuts once said, who lives in a vibrator under the sea?

Good point.

I want you to teach me how to be a nephomaniac.

Like 7 -Eleven once said, big gulp.

Hello, Tahandi.

Hello.

Tahandi, I'd like you to meet Jezon Uli, your fork buddy.

He can't say anything due to his vow of silence.

Completely dedicated to saving all his energy for sex.

Yep, that's totally true. There definitely isn't a mix -up. I'm a sex

dude. Aren't you taking a vow of silence, darling?

Sorry, dog.

But yeah, the thing that you said before.

I'd like to welcome both of you to the goo place.

Jerk it.

Of co - Of course I will.

This reminds me of the time I gave a handjob to my friend, Larry Hemsworth.

Let me tell you, he's no Thor, but when I raised my hand, his hammer flew right

into it.

Jerk it!

All right, I'm going as fast as I can.

Jerk it.

Hello, Michael.

This is Jerk it. Hello.

Jerk it, this is Tahandi.

Hello. And this is Jadon Uly.

Hey, homie.

Excuse me for just a second.

I've never felt this way before. That dumb, but super cute guy has me feeling

super forkin' horny.

Hi, do you mind if I act horny too? No, not at all.

Do you mind if we act horny too?

Not at all.

Hey, homie. Well, this was fun. Time to start your afterlife here in the goo

place.

Since you are a sex -crazed monk taking a vow of silence, and you, an unselfish

sexual philanthropist, you've both ended up in the right place.

So, if you're doing the Humpty Hump dance like the great philosopher Shark G

once said, it'll be your chance to do the hump.

Oh, my, yes. It was also the tagline to the adult movie.

The Shawskin production starring my best friend, Morgan Freeman.

Okay, so let's get back to the lesson.

Who can tell me who taught us about the fundamental nature of existence and

double penetration?

Oh, I know that one. That's easy.

That's my boy, Piloto. Right before me and my 69 -person sex crew entered the

Jacksonville National Orgy Competition and Alligator Go -Kart Race. We all

forked, but it didn't matter because... The alligator that won drove off the

track, and me and this girl ended up in the back, and that's how the first fan

book happened.

Holy forking fork. What the fork is this shirt?

Is it Jacksonville Jaguars branded lube?

On the TV?

Lube can get everywhere.

That's why I always wear condoms on my hands.

No, it's not.

I've come to deliver your mail, ma 'am.

You haven't come yet, you sexy mailman.

What kind of package

are you going to bring me? Oh, I got a special delivery for you.

Oh, don't mail me.

Don't forget to sign for this.

Oh, snap. You guys had a mailman costume contest about me?

No, Jonathan. They had...

You guys had a bad contest without me?

But when did we?

Knock knock.

That's what humans say when entering a room when two of them are about to knock

boots.

What's wrong?

Wait a minute.

What?

Wait just a minute, you lying sack of shirt mother forker.

I get it now.

This isn't really the good place.

It isn't?

Nope, nerd. It isn't. What makes you say that, Eleanor?

Well, there are a few clues.

First, the sex tape I must have left as a clue for myself or something for me to

run my pasta to later. If this was a goo place, I wouldn't have left a VHS of

myself having sex. I would have just uploaded it to Pornhub.

And I saw fire demons humming outside.

Third,

humping clowns isn't really my fetish.

Fourth, I met a gay porn star by the name of Jeremy Bearamy, and he said that

controlled time.

Fifth, there was a guy with wind chimes instead of a penis.

Hi, guys!

And finally, I got chased by a flying butt plug earlier.

And every human knows that butt plugs never glide that smoothly.

Unless they're covered in lube.

Jacksonville Jaguars lube?

Eleanor?

Dick Tracy called.

He'd like his first name back, but apparently you're busy being it.

Well, still working on that comeback.

But bravo!

Figured it out.

It's all true.

You're in the bed place, not the goo place.

This is all an experiment.

You're not in the goo place. You're in the bed place.

You're in a part of the goo place made to look like the bed place.

We were sick of torturing people the old -fashioned way.

By having demons describe things being shoved in their urethras.

Having them picture their mothers just when they're about to orgasm.

But he figured it all out, so my experiment has failed.

Wait, what if we do something that has so many points that we can prove that we

changed? Well, how would that change things?

Like if we were referencing future episodes.

What do you have in mind?

Like... The judge might just be fond of

that. What judge?

It's not important.

Let's give it a shot.

I took this one for the whole time. Oh, thank you.

Thank you,

Pastor.

So good.

It's hard to sleep like this.

It's okay.

Come on, Sandra.

Thank you.

Aw, how does that chick feel, Daddy?

Oh, who knew?

Oh, let me get it for you, son.

I wonder if I can write my thesis on this.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

Perfect.

You know your geometry.

Your physics.

I'm such a suckin' hot nerd.

This is true. The sexology.

Thank you for having me.

You're gonna get cut more in time.

Thank you.

No. No.

Okay.

Oh

Yeah.

Please come on me.

Please.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Oh fuck.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Well, you're very welcome.

Too bad none of you will remember any of this.