Original subtitles

I am baking and I'm canning. Fa -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la.

Baking, canning, canning, baking.

Fa -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la.

Come on, sing with me.

Sorry, but we don't know the words to your made -up song.

Well,

the wind almost knocked me off the roof, but I got the red bulb in the Rudolph

nose. Oh, good news.

I found his wreath.

Oh, I... I don't think anyone will notice Rudolph is missing his wreath.

I will.

Oh, and Haley, after lunch, we need to practice your caroling. You were a

flat last night.

the rates go down. But as long as we're all here, guess what time it is?

We're afraid to guess.

Pick a secret span of time.

Justin, you go first.

Oh, come on. We can't all go first.

Now, let's review the rules.

Everyone picks a name. Then you buy that person three gifts under $20.

A present the person needs but doesn't know they need.

A present the person wants but doesn't know they want. And finally, a present

the person doesn't have but thinks they do.

Now.

I just hope I pick myself.

Hey, you know what?

Let's all head to the mall.

We can start our secret Santa shopping right now. I'm going to go get my purse.

We are going Christmas shopping.

Christmas shopping, shopping Christmas.

to stop the madness.

Jingle my bells and deck my halls. Santa Fe is coming to town.

Check it out.

A residual check for reruns of The Sacred and the Sinful.

Apparently,

it's huge in Zimbabwe.

So is running water.

Hey, what do you say you use this money to pay me back some of what you

borrowed? You know, I thought about that, Charlie, but then I thought, that

won't teach you to stop loaning me money now, will it? No.

So I used the money instead to buy the whole family a trip to Aruba for

Christmas. We leave Christmas Eve!

Hold it.

Hope will not spend Christmas anywhere but at home.

Perfect. We need someone to go get the mail and start the cars.

Ready to go?

what could be better than walking through the mall with my mom in a Santa

See, I thought you'd say that. So?

I brought enough for everyone!

We are walking to the car. La, la, la, la, la, la. Good! Very good. Work on

now.

We drive each other crazy, it's true.

But I can't...

so much around here.

Let Hope do something for a change.

Hope Shanowski?

Yes? On behalf of Sir Cost for Less Discount Store, you and your family have

an all -expenses trip to Aruba!

Aruba? Oh, my God!

Charlie, we've been wanting to take a family vacation.

It's like a dream come true. Can you believe it?

If you can.

The sarcophilus vacation starts bright and early Christmas Eve morn, when

be whisked away to the airport.

Christmas Eve?

Oh, no, we couldn't possibly be away from home on Christmas.

Right? Right. Wrong.

Because the holiday spirit is with us no matter where we are.

As long as we're all together.

Creating memories that will last a lifetime.

Like Justin learning to surf.

And Haley swimming with the dolphins.

And Sidney.

Getting rid of those pesky tan lines that have plagued her since the summer.

They have plagued me. They really, really have. Please, Mom.

Charlie, what do you think?

Well, Sidney's tan lines have been a source of great shame to all of us.

Then I guess it's settled.

Christmas in Santa Roma!

That's strange.

According to this, I'm the only one in for Christmas.

What is that?

A voting address form for Santa, so my presents will make it to Aruba.

Santa sent you a form?

Faxed, and yes, he did.

All righty, Aruba, here we come.

Well, what about Mom?

Hope! How long does it take to pack a floppy hat and a moo -moo?

What's wrong? Your face is all blotchy.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You... Ew!

I'm sure it's nothing.

You've got hives. I'm going to get you an antihistamine. Come on.

Sit down over here, honey. No, no, no, no, no. Don't sit down. You know what's

really great for hives? High altitude. Let's get you on that plane.

She can't get on a plane like that. Those hives could spread to her throat

cut off her breathing.

I see what you're saying.

We'll miss you so much. Let's go, people.

I'll call the people at Sir Cost for Less and try and reschedule.

Hello, Sir Cost for Less.

Faith, what's going on?

Nothing. What's going on with you?

Cut it out.

Why is your number on this itinerary?

All right, look.

I got a residual check, and I thought it would be nice to take the whole family

on a trip.

So just because you wanted to go to Aruba, you had to hijack Christmas?

This is so typically selfish of you.

I know.

You're right.

How can I make it up to you? Oh, I know. Let's all go to Aruba!

Hey!

Not when the train left the station, but once it got chugging.

Woof, woof.

Great. All my presents are going to Aruba. Now I've got to change our

again. This is not a good time to be frustrating Santa Claus.

Well, congratulations, Faith.

Now you've ruined Christmas.

Honey, Christmas isn't ruined.

It's just going to happen your way now instead of the fun way.

But you drive us all crazy.

I know you mean well, but nobody wants to pick a present the person thinks they

have but don't. Nobody knows what that means. That's why it's always batteries.

The only person you haven't managed to ruin Christmas for is Justin, but hey,

why don't we just tell him there's no such thing as Santa?

There's no Santa Claus?

was just saying if I said that, it would ruin Christmas.

Which it would, because of course it isn't true.

Hey, let's see what you wrote, little man.

Not yet. I want to add something.

I'm going to ask Santa to wake me up when he gets here tonight so I can see

myself if he's real.

You know, I am going to tie a bell to that kid.

Nice going, Faith.

Look, I'm sorry. I had no idea you were standing there.

I think I can fix this. Just make sure that Justin is down here at 10 .30

tonight. I promise you, Santa won't disappoint him.

You know, I heard sleigh bells on the roof and everything.

Then where is he?

I don't know.

Santa is supposed to be here.

That's just like him, isn't it?

He's going to do something to screw it up.

the chimney.

Oh, my God, Santa, your reindeer and your sleigh are gone.

Oh, they're circling.

I couldn't land on the roof with all your mother's tacky decorations.

Charlie, do something.

Your dad was once a child. A weak, dorky child who...

Is he strong?

No, but he's really funny.

I can't wait to hear what he says about this.

So,

what'd you

get for Joey Borzellino?

Uh, skin.

Really?

Because he wanted a chemistry set.

Oh, well, then, Joey Borzellino better work on his cursive writing, because...

Because Joe...

impersonating

You know, in ten years, you've only spent one Christmas with us in Ohio.

Why don't you ever want to just spend Christmas at home?

Because it's depressing.

Did you remember Mom would always invite Aunt Shirley to Christmas dinner

because she didn't have any husband or kid of her own?

Remember how pathetic we all thought she was?

Well, guess who grew up to be the new Aunt Shirley?

Minus the mustache and garlic breath.

Holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but for me, all it

does is remind me of what I don't have.

You know something?

It reminds me of what I don't have, too.

A reliable waxer?

Because you could open your gift tonight.

I mean, talking about what you need but don't know you need.

No.

It's the spirit.

I remember when we were kids, holidays were so...

Then as I got older, they just weren't as magical.

Honey, nothing's as magical as when you're a kid.

But, you know, you're so lucky. You have such a great family.

I know.

That's why I tried so hard.

I want the holidays to be as perfect for them as Mom made them for us.

Okay, what house did you grow up in?

Mom was always a threat case, and somebody in the house was always crying,

mainly you, Miss. I didn't want to fly on that gun.

I wanted a new tattoo.

That was you.

Oh, right.

Well, I remember Christmas as being so much fun.

Of course it was fun, because the whole family was together, but it certainly

wasn't perfect.

I mean, maybe if you learned to back off a little.

The Christmas spirit would return to all of us.

That sounds kind of perfect to me.

Yeah, well, maybe if you realized my family is your family, you

wouldn't feel so much like Aunt Shirley.

Except for the garlic bread.

What are you saying?

It's a little tight in here.

Hey.

You know what I did miss?

What? About being gone all those years.

Spending the holidays with my sister.

Me too.

Okay, Faith.

Thank God. They're here.

I've got Mr. Henderson.

Hey, Bob.

Take a look in there.

Wow. This is amazing.

I can't even get my wife to go in the stove.

Oh, Anderson, you killed me.

Wait a minute.

Hi, honey.

I wish I could say I was surprised.

Want to get a beer?

Yeah.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team, gave a whistle, and away they all flew.

like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all,

to all a good night.

I wonder who's faxing us.

It's for Justin, from Santa.

Dear Justin, I heard you're waiting up for me.

But I only visit houses where the children are all asleep.

It's sort of my thing.

Love, Santa.

What are you waiting for? You heard Santa. Lights out!

See?

I told you I'd fix it, didn't I?

Good job, Faith.

Thank you, Charlie.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Guess

what

I just felt?

The Christmas spirit.