Original subtitles

Order. Arms.

Ready?

Fire!

Company A all present and accounted for, sir!

Very good, Captain. Proceed to classes as scheduled.

Uh, I thought there were two hundred men to a company.

There were. Until Buxley's enrollment went into a nose dive.

Not much call for military spit and polish these days, is there, Mr. Hart?

At ease!

Good morning. Here we are.

Whoopee.

Gentlemen, if you'll join me in my office,

I can explain how this merger will solve all our financial problems.

Hello, Colonel Buxley.

Miss Wakefield! Good morning.

You were expecting us, weren't you? I mean, we do have an arrangement.

Well, yes. But there are still some small details to be worked out.

Well, then, this takes care of the first one.

Determining exact time of arrival.

Yes.

Well, perhaps it's just as well.

These gentlemen are here from the bank to determine

if our arrangement will satisfy the academy's current mortgage problems.

-Mr. Hart, the president. -Hello.

Mr. Quimby, the loan officer.

-How do you do? -Nice to meet you.

This is Miss Emily Wakefield,

the principal of the Wakefield School for Girls.

Correction, Colonel.

I believe the new title is co-director of the Buxley Academy for Boys and Girls.

Right.

Eyes front!

Hey! How about some help over here!

Hey! Come on, you guys. Come on!

Attention!

Fall in! On the double! Move it! Move it! Move it!

Sir! It was her fault.

Oh, bug off!

-Fall in, Captain. -Yes, sir!

Girls.

Mr. Hart, I still don't see how the merger of the two schools can possibly succeed.

Buxley is almost a year behind in its mortgage payments

and Wakefield was forced to close its doors

because of its unsound financial condition.

Oh, now, just a minute! It wasn't the school's fault.

Our benefactor died and the estate sold the property to build a shopping mall.

- Can you imagine? - Hmm.

Anyway, now that Buxley is stepping out of the dark ages

by going co-educational...

Dark ages?

I'm sure that our enrollment has to increase.

Even so, how do you propose to meet the mortgage payments?

Gentlemen, ever since General Eulace C. Buxley

founded this academy in 1876,

it has managed to survive every possible threat to its existence.

Financial or otherwise.

I'm sorry, sir. I still say no loan extension.

I say foreclose!

I disagree, Quimby.

I'm going to recommend that the loan committee extend the loan

for six months.

Thank you, Mr. Hart. You won't regret it.

-Good luck, Colonel. Miss Wakefield. -Thank you.

Quimby.

Well, that's that!

Imagine thinking that two mature educators couldn't work together

to build a successful future.

How naive!

Yes.

I... I don't understand, Mr. Hart. You had every reason to foreclose.

You want to be a vice president, don't you, Quimby?

Oh, yes, sir! More than anything!

Then use your head.

The academy has been on the market one year without a single offer.

We foreclose now and we'll never get our investment out of it.

Oh, good thinking, Mr. Hart.

In the meantime, you better pray that the merger works

until we can dump this turkey!

Yes, sir.

What are you staring at, you old blunderbuss?

If you knew that your great-great-grandson

was taking females into this academy, you'd be spinning in your grave!

That goes for you too, you big ape!

It would wipe that smug expression right off your hairy face.

Females? Females in my academy?

Eulace, remember your liver!

Drat my liver, woman! We are being invaded!

Sergeant-Major Sweet. Front and center!

Yes, sir!

Reconnaissance reports females storming the halls of Buxley!

No. That's impossible, sir.

Okay, okay, girls!

Go on in there so I can give you your room assignments. Come on.

-It's true! -How nice. May I see them?

Bettina, stand fast!

Sergeant! What did I vow on my death bed?

To defend these hallowed halls from any harm for all eternity, if need be, sir!

And, by George, so I shall! Even if it means war!

But, first things first.

Sergeant, prepare to reconnoiter.

Eulace? Since they are young ladies, perhaps I can be of help?

Bettina, my dear, a woman's place is behind the lines.

Where it's safe!

Ah, so it's you, is it?

Call me a hairy ape when I'm asleep, will you?

I'm gonna teach you a lesson!

All right! Stand fast, you old geezer.

Sergeant, he can't see you, he can't see any of us.

-He can't? -You're a ghost.

You cannot be seen or heard unless you will it.

Oh.

Now, for the moment, we will be unseen.

Sergeant! To the ramparts!

By George! Indoor plumbing!

Permission to water down, sir. Seeing as how it's been over 80 years.

Very well. But don't take all day.

That's good, sir. You ought to try it.

Now, listen, you take the right flank and I'll take the left flank.

And no shenanigans, hear?

Big ape, is it?

Just the way I left it.

Good work, Colonel. Tradition! That's the only way to go.

Colonel, about these arrangements.

I thought as co-directors, we were supposed to share this office equally.

We are, Miss Wakefield. You have a desk. I have a desk.

And these rules of conduct.

Yes. I'd like you to sign them so I can post them immediately.

As a joint order.

Joint order? But you wrote them up alone.

"No fraternization." "No mixed classes." "Separate meals"?

C'mon, Colonel, this is the 20th century!

I mean, women have been treated as equals at West Point

and Annapolis for two decades now!

What's that?

Women at Annapolis? West Point?

Good grief!

That has nothing to do with our arrangement.

Well, maybe I misunderstood,

but I don't remember you ever saying anything about separate but equal.

It was supposed to be share and share alike.

Miss Wakefield, in no way am I going to undermine

over 100 years of tradition here at Buxley

to please a bunch of silly, giggling girls who don't know the first thing about...

My girls are not a bunch of silly gigglers!

I rest my case.

We'll see about that.

Good lad! That's a chip off the old block!

-Excuse me, sir. -Yes.

The new applicant's just arrived with his family.

-The Ross boy? -Yes, sir.

Yes. Ross Industries.

Send them in, Lieutenant. Send them in.

Yes, sir.

Are there really women at West Point?

Sergio!

-Excuse me! -Behave yourself!

The Colonel will see you now.

-Oh, thank you. -Step this way, please.

No, no, no! Dear, you wait right here.

That's it.

They're not your parents, are they?

Oh, no. That's my Uncle George and Aunt Ernestine.

Who's the weirdo with the mustache?

He's a real Count from Italy.

How did you know they weren't my parents?

After two stepfathers? I'm an expert!

How come they're enrolling you here?

Oh, they probably hope I won't run away, like I did from all the other schools.

How many others?

-Three. -Wow! That bad, huh?

Yeah!

Here. Never did like chewing alone.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah. I'm Posie. Posie Taylor.

Jeremy Ross.

Your parents alive?

Hey, you don't have to say another word if you don't want to, Jeremy.

No. I like talking to you, Posie.

You know those three other schools? I never had anybody to talk to.

Especially on weekends, when all their parents would come up.

All right! Gum out!

I said, gum out!

Hey, if you're sore about this morning, I'm sorry.

Really!

Under regulations, students cannot chew gum in non-dormitory hours.

Well, my friend here isn't a student yet.

And I never read regulations. They give me warts.

If you're going to enroll here,

I'd suggest you stay away from her!

And let me assure you, Mr. Ross,

the merger was strictly a matter of economic necessity.

That's perfectly understandable.

Nevertheless, you did misrepresent your academy.

On the contrary, ma'am. Only the facilities will be shared.

Meaning Buxley will continue to maintain its age-old tradition

as one of the nation's finest military schools for boys.

I think it's terrific, Colonel, and I'm sure Jeremy will enjoy the challenge.

-I agree, sir. -I disagree.

I agree with her disagree.

No, what I meant to say was that the boy will be much happier with us.

With you!

So that's why you two came home so fast.

Colonel, I wonder if we might have a moment of privacy

for a family conference.

Of course. Umm...

I'll just step out and introduce myself to the boy.

Take all the time you need.

Colonel.

Ernestine, no way am I going to allow you and this perfumed gigolo of yours

to take over the custody of Jeremy.

Signore!

I am the Count Sergio Luchesi Di Gonzini of San Remo,

and also her adoring husband.

Her sixth!

-Seventh! -Eighth.

Which doesn't give you much say in our family affairs.

So, why don't you butt out!

Okay.

My little espresso, shall we tell him what the lawyer said, huh?

-What lawyer? -Ha!

The lawyer who told me that even though our dear departed brother

named you the boy's legal guardian in his will,

no court in the land is going to allow an inexperienced bachelor

to continue to toy with the future of that dear, sweet child.

Now, look here, Ernestine...

No! You look here, George!

You're a man. A very busy man.

There is no way that you can give Jeremy the love of a devoted aunt

who will dedicate herself entirely to his welfare.

To the welfare of his 10 million dollar inheritance...

Oh, George.

All right! All right!

Before we get into some kind of a court battle,

why don't we ask Jeremy whether he wants to stay or not?

Jeremy? He's a child...

He can't possibly make that decision.

Don't be ridiculous, George!

Sir!

What is it?

I'm sorry to report the entire second floor

has been taken over by those little sweethearts.

Oh, no!

This is worse than I thought.

Personally, Jeremy, I'm sold on Buxley...

But remember, darling, it is completely up to you. Yes!

I mean, if you don't like marching around some cold, windy field

after getting up at six in the morning and a breakfast of watery eggs,

well, you just say so and you can come home with me!

I will make baloney for you. You will like, eh!

Oh, he's going to stay. Aren't you, Jeremy?

Yeah.

-A wise choice, young man. -Good boy!

What a nice little girl!

Well! Then, we can sign the agreement and go over the curriculum.

Well, gentlemen, if you will excuse me,

today is my day for charity work at the hospital.

Darling, if you change your mind, just let me know.

Cara Mia! You hate charity work.

-Sergio? -Cara?

Shut up!

Mozzarella!

Cadet Captain Teddy Roosevelt. I wonder whatever happened to him.

That should about do it.

Here's a check covering the first semester.

And if Jeremy is happy here, I'll guarantee Buxley a sizable donation.

So long as he stays to complete his education.

Well, that's... That's very generous of you, Mr. Ross. Very.

Thank you for all your help, Colonel.

-It's my pleasure. -I'll keep in touch.

-Good day, Mr. Ross. -Good day.

You hear that, Rodney? We have a benefactor!

We look after the Ross boy and our troubles are behind us!

The academy is saved!

Does that mean it's not too late to call off the merger?

The merger?

Oh, no! Of course it's too late!

No, wait!

No... Wait.

It's so simple, Rodney.

If we just stick to our traditional military school schedule,

by the time the week is out those females will be so exhausted,

they'll be begging us to call off the merger.

Hallelujah.

They want equality, well, we're gonna give it to them!

Fall back to the command post, Sergeant!

I think the knucklehead has it.

I had no idea your nephew was so...

Rich.

Yeah.

-Oh, but so unhappy. -Oh, dear.

And now that the poor boy has his heart set on staying at Buxley,

well, I just don't know how to tell him

that the place might go bankrupt at any moment.

Bankrupt? Oh, ho!

No, no. I'm sure that won't happen, Mrs. Di Gonzini.

Contessa Ernestine Di Gonzini, of San Remo.

Contessa.

-Countess. -Countess, of course.

You see, now that Buxley and Wakefield have merged,

well, I'm sure that everything will work out very nicely.

But, what if the girls withdraw?

Buxley would sink like a rock.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Of course, I'd buy the place myself if I thought that would make Jeremy happy.

You would?

Oh, yes.

But, then Mr...

Quimby.

Quimby.

Money can't buy happiness, can it?

Well, I...

-Yes. -No.

No, no.

All this talk of money is very depressing.

Well, you will let me know if there is anything I can do?

Instantly. I promise you. Here, take my card.

-Oh, thank you. Mr... -Quimby.

-Quimby. Yes. -I do hope you will keep in touch.

-Won't you? -Yes.

Yes. We might just do that.

Count, come along.

I still can't get over it. Women at Annapolis!

And West Point!

It must have been quite a shock, Eulace.

Oh, indeed! Indeed! Indeed!

And all the more reason Buxley academy must stand as a beacon

to those who know that the strength of this country lies solely

in the integrity and character of its young men.

Now, in order to ensure victory, we must attack on two fronts.

One, since financial salvation rests upon the happiness of the new cadet...

Sergeant!

You will see that the boy is thrilled to tears.

Oh, sir, I never liked kids.

I mean, my own sister always whined...

As you say, sir!

And on the second front, we must give strategic support

to Colonel Buxley's offensive against Miss Wakefield.

That should be a cakewalk, sir. What, with me popping in and out.

Scaring the bejeebers out of them.

-Maybe I could even... -At ease.

Now, use your brain, man.

If word gets out that Buxley is haunted,

what rich uncle in his right mind would leave his nephew here?

Oh, yes! I see what you mean, sir.

Well, you'd better, unless you prefer to spend forever in that dusty painting

and be auctioned off along with the academy.

That goes for you too, Bettina.

Bettina?

Where is that woman?

Hey! Hey, you kids! Now, cut that out! Cut that out!

That stuff's not allowed here!

All right! Get away from that window. Come on!

Okay, girls, I warned you!

Now, I'm gonna have to tell the Colonel.

Hanging out the window like that. Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, cool it, Ben. We were just having a little fun.

I suppose you call turning this place upside down,

breaking every rule in the...

Me? Room with a plebe?

But a Cadet Captain always has a private room, sir.

I know, Fletcher, but you'll be helping the boy.

You know, make sure he gets off on the right foot and all that.

Yes, sir. As you say, sir.

Cadet Ross! I'd like you to meet your roommate.

Cadet Captain Hubert Fletcher.

-Carry on, Fletcher! -Yes, sir.

Come on, Ross.

Colonel. Colonel! This place is haunted. Ghosts everywhere!

So help me!

Ben, have you been drinking again?

No, no. I seen them! I swear it, and they came right outta there!

Look, Ben. Maybe if you lie down awhile, they'll go away.

No, they won't. No, they won't.

It's the girls being here. That's what brought them out. Yes, sir.

Right out of them old paintings in there.

I can feel it in my bones!

All right, Ben. If it makes you feel better, let's take a look.

You first.

Eulace! Quick! They're coming!

You'll see for yourself! I ain't crazy. I ain't nuts.

Just take a look at...

Well, what?

What? Anything changed?

Okay, Colonel. But you just mark my words, there's something...

Ben, for the last time,

I don't want to hear another word about ghosts in this school.

-But... -Ben.

Okay.

Okay!

Vincent!

Vincent! Vincent! Where are you going?

Vincent!

Will you open the door?

Open the door. It is your job, Vincent!

Opening the door for la Contessa! Imbecile!

Ah, stop!

If I told you once, I told you a million times,

that man is a menace!

What we have is a common criminal as a chauffeur.

Oh, he infuriates me so much

that only a glass of champagne can cool this fire within me! Yes!

Where is the champagne? No champagne!

Cold Duck! What is this Cold Duck?

Oh, knock it off!

If you had a nickel to your name, we wouldn't be this desperate.

Oh, no! No! No! No! No! I told you.

Maybe you don't remember, but I told you. Yes.

My crazy papa lost all the family fortune at Monte Carlo.

-I told you. -After we were married, you told me!

When it was too late.

You swore.

You swore on your last husband's grave that he left you a million dollars, huh?

And Sergio believe you!

Well, it looks like we're both going to have to see to it

that we win control of my nephew's fortune,

doesn't it, sweetheart?

I agree, I agree. But why. Why? Tell me?

Why do you want to buy the school when we have no money?

But, why, darling, why?

I'll make him an offer with the provision that the girls must leave immediately.

But of course! Then when the girls go...

I'll withdraw my offer, and the school goes.

-How diabolic! -Thank you.

And if my dear brother can't keep Jeremy in school,

well, the court will have to award his guardianship to us.

And then, oh, then we can buy anything in this world we'd want.

My little cioccolatina.

You are not only beautiful, but you are a genius too.

I'm going out for hamburgers. Do you want some?

No!

Oh, Vincent, before you go, see if you can open that bottle?

Open the bottle.

Cara Mia, listen.

Just one thing, my little bonbon.

You see, when Jeremy becomes 21,

he will be of age to be able to control his own fortune.

And that is only eight years away. Capisci?

True.

Providing he ever reaches 21.

Ah, providing he ever reaches... Provide... Providing?

What are you saying, sweetheart?

Only that accidents do happen.

Isn't that right, Vincent?

Yes, ma'am.

Lord above! Have mercy out there!

I don't know why they put you in here and I don't care!

But these are my quarters, so you do what I tell you and when I tell you.

Do you understand?

Okay, Hubert.

Yes, sir.

For now, just keep your mouth shut and stay out of my way.

I'll be gone for a while. I've got night maneuvers.

Oh, little lad. Don't you worry none about him.

He's a lot more tolerable if you'll do what I do.

Ignore him.

Oh, listen. You have happy dreams, you hear?

That's an order!

What in the world?

"Ben, would you please fix that?"

"Ben, would you please fix this?"

You'd think I was a slave around here.

Can't even change a simple light bulb...

Yeah, there you go.

Posie. Posie, you awake?

-Huh? -I gotta talk!

Shh. We can't. Not here.

How about your room?

No. I'm just a jinx. I'll get you in trouble like I do everybody else.

Oh, pooh! That's ridiculous. C'mon!

You shouldn't think that way.

But, it's true. That's why my mother and father got killed in the accident.

You know why? 'Cause they were coming up to see me at summer camp,

because I had the stupid chicken pox.

Jeremy, don't say that! You couldn't help it!

-You guys ready? -Yeah.

This is gonna be great!

What's going on?

Come on!

Sergeant? What in thunder is this? A mutiny?

No, sir. It looks more like a skirmish.

-Hit him back, honey. He started it! -Bettina!

Well, he did!

-Attention! -Okay, girls! That's enough!

Enough.

-What's going on here? -It was the girls' fault, sir!

Silence in the ranks!

All right!

We'll get to the bottom of this tomorrow.

Now, all of you get back to your quarters. Move it! Move it! Move it!

I said, move it!

Okay, girls! You've had your fun. C'mon, up to bed. Let's go.

This is impossible.

In all the years I have been director of this academy...

Colonel, don't be so stuffy.

It's the first night.

-They'll settle down. -I'm not stuffy, Miss Wakefield.

But I do believe in discipline.

You and your girls obviously have a lot to learn about good manners.

Oh, now just a minute. My girls are just as well mannered as...

Posie!

You get out here! Now!

You again!

It was all my fault, Miss Wakefield. Don't blame Jeremy.

I just came down to talk to him...

Back to your room immediately! We'll deal with you in the morning.

-Sir, it wasn't her fault that... -At ease, Ross!

Ross, it's all right, son. I understand.

You go to bed now.

Yes, sir.

Sergeant! Go with the boy.

And this time make sure he goes to sleep.

Yes, sir!

I want that girl expelled for violating academy rules!

- Here! Here! - Expelled?

You're not exactly equal in your discipline, are you?

-Miss Wakefield... -Now, now, Colonel.

I admit that Posie used terrible judgment,

but to presume the worst without all the facts...

Miss Wakefield, a rule is a rule!

Likewise, a fair hearing!

And why are you blaming her for all of it? What about the boy?

May I remind you, he was not in her room.

She was in his!

What is the difference?

Miss Wakefield, I'm going to bed.

The only thing I want to hear from you now is a promise

that your girls will refrain from besmirching the academy's good name.

Fine! I'll do it!

As soon as you treat your co-director with the respect she deserves!

Bettina, my love, the war is as good as won.

They can't stand each other!

Perhaps.

But don't you think Miss Emily had a point?

A teeny-weeny little point?

About giving the little girl a fair hearing?

Bettina, my love, you're just a woman.

You can't expect to understand these things.

Yes, General. I'll be in our quarters warming up your brandy.

Oh, thank you, my dear.

Good woman.

Ernestine, my little rum baba!

I love money just as much as you do, if not more.

Why, you can ask anybody at the Ritz in San Remo and they will tell you.

A Di Gonzini will live and die for money.

But for blood money, never!

And not at the expense of a young child. Never!

Jamais, jamais.

You don't have a choice.

Unless you want to wind up back in San Remo.

Selling Italian encyclopedias!

I see.

What about Vincent? The escaped gorilla from the zoo?

Oh! He'll do anything I ask.

Which is the beauty of hiring an ex-convict

who knows that I know just how many times he's violated his parole.

-You folks ready? -Yes, my dear.

Or anything you can recommend.

Ow!

On second thought, I will have anything she has.

Maybe you need some more time, huh?

Look! But don't look.

Isn't that the old caretaker from the school?

Oh, so it is!

Sergio, why don't you invite him to join us for a drink?

-But, he's a peasant! -Yes.

But, he could be a storehouse of valuable information.

Time I got back to my own...

Oh, no. Not again!

Where now?

Jeremy!

Jeremy! Where are you, boy?

You're going to get me drawn and quartered.

Great balls of fire! What is that?

Hit the trenches, boy! It may be an enemy patrol!

It's all right, lad! I'll handle this.

Well, drat my druthers!

That's one of them new horseless surreys. Hmph!

Oh, yeah.

There, you see that, lad?

Takes an experienced hand to know you wasn't in any real trouble.

What in tarnation is that for?

Darn it. I hope nobody saw me running away.

Running away? No, wait a minute.

You can't do that. The General will kill me.

No! Wait, halt!

Doggone it, I'm gonna have to stop him somehow!

Well, here goes.

All right, lad. Now I know you can see me, so you can hear me, too.

Where you going with that bag?

Well, say something, boy.

Who are you?

Sergeant-Major Chester B. Sweet. 84th Calvary. Battalion B.

Then, it's true! You are a ghost! Ben isn't crazy!

Ben? That's a matter of opinion.

All right! All right, I am a ghost!

But that's no reason for you to get me in trouble

by making me turn visible against orders.

Now, where are you going with that bag?

-To my aunt's. -Your aunt's? Why?

Because I can't do anything right and all I do is get people in trouble.

Like Posie.

And because of you, too! I'm scared of ghosts.

Oh, now look here, boy.

You got no reason to be scared of me.

I'm on orders to help you and make sure things work out right.

Oh, no. No way!

Jeremy? Is that you in there?

Girl! Now don't you dare mention me!

She walked right past you! She didn't even see you!

Of course not. She can't hear me, neither.

Who are you talking to?

You were running away because you got me in trouble, right?

You've got to do what you think is right. But I hope you stay.

For you and for me.

Listen to her, lad, she's a smart little trifle.

For a girl!

We can keep each other going, maybe even have a little fun.

Like giving old Hubert a hard time?

Yeah. Well...

Maybe I'll just sit here and think about it for awhile, Posie.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

You're okay.

Good lad.

Well, now that that's all settled, you get back to your room,

forget you ever saw me.

Well, go on! And be happy about it, before I really get my dander up.

Get!

- Ghosts? - That's right. Ghosts!

And ghostesses. All over the place!

Oh! What kind of ghosts?

It's General Buxley and that Sergeant buddy of his from the Civil War.

I just know it's them.

Ernestine, my little bisque tortoni, you really gonna believe all this?

No.

But he certainly has given me a few ideas

on how to get rid of those little girls by tomorrow night!

Ready, fire!

-Good morning, sir. -Good morning, Fletcher.

You're late, Ross.

-Sorry, sir. -And uncover.

-What? -Take your hat off.

At ease, gentlemen.

As you know, due to recent reductions in staff,

Mr. Finchley is no longer with us.

So, I'll be taking over his sex education class.

Needless to say, most Buxley boys know the score

when it comes to old Mother Nature.

Okay, girls. Just find yourselves a seat, come on.

I'm sorry we're late, we had trouble with the room numbers.

Miss Wakefield.

How can you let them come to class like this?

Dressed like a band of hippies!

Come on, Colonel. That's the way kids dress these days.

Ah. Sex education. Please continue, we're all ears.

Yes.

Well, if you will open your books to chapter six, you boys

and girls...

Will find illustrations of the male and female...

Persons.

Now then, reproduction takes

one of each.

I mean, uh...

Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has devised the simplest of systems.

That is to say,

the male has a function

and the female has a function,

which doesn't become a function

until they...

Function together.

Are there any questions so far?

Oh!

Well, it's all right there in the book.

Why don't you just read it for yourselves?

Oh, that's beautiful! Just beautiful!

Why, if I were 20 years younger, I would go along myself.

Ah, I even got some vampire's blood.

Ugh!

Ah!

I think I'm going to get sick, please.

Sergio, now you come back here!

Oh, now, darling! I'm only asking you to be a boy again.

For just one night,

so we can drive those obnoxious little girls right out of the academy!

Now! See how easy this all is? Hmm?

There we are!

Voila! "The Ghosts of Buxley Hall."

Mamma mia!

Chester?

Chester, you around here?

Right here, boy!

Oh! Upper classmen. Salute!

Chester, you've got to stop doing that!

Doin' what?

Well, you know. Everything!

Protecting me, making me feel better.

Somebody's gonna suspect something's screwy.

Oh, hogwash! You let me worry about that.

'Sides, somebody's got to help you.

Until you learn for yourself not to let people push you around.

But that's just it! I wanna learn by myself sometime.

Hey! You talking to yourself again?

Oh, hi. Uh... Yeah. I guess it's a habit.

Ten hut! Hit a brace, mister!

Chin in! Shoulders back! Stomach flat! Eyes straight!

Why were you sitting on a bench reserved for upper classmen?

-I didn't know... -No explanations, mister!

There are only three words used here! Yes, sir! No, sir! And no excuse, sir!

Hubert, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Interfering with military discipline is against regulations, miss!

So just keep it up and I'll be happy to report it to Colonel Buxley.

I'll give you something to report, you finky little twitch!

No, no! No, Posie, I can handle it. Thank you.

You let this happen again, Ross, you'll be on report for sure!

Sorry about that, lad!

All them years hanging on the wall, I forgot about the bench rule.

Look, Chester, do you really want to help me?

Well, what do you think I've been doin'?

Not your way. My way.

Look, just tell me.

Can you teach me how to box?

Box? You mean?

I've always been afraid to learn.

But, if Hubert so much as lifts one finger to get Posie expelled,

I've got to do something!

But me, on my own!

Well, is that all? Well, you just leave that to me.

I wasn't regimental champ for nothing.

Here, come on over here! I'll start you out on the basics.

You realize, of course, that by hittin' a superior officer,

you can get yourself in a mess of trouble, don't you?

Oh, it'll be worth it!

Well, with that kind of spunk it ain't going to take much.

All right, the first thing. After you get your dukes up,

you got to say to yourself, "I believe, I believe."

Now that's real important, especially if that other fellow is bigger than you.

-I believe. -All right, all right then.

Then it's just a matter of keeping yourself moving

while you're peppering him with a steady one, two, three, carrumph!

That carrumph, there... That there is a cannonball.

All right, now you try it.

-One... -Get your feet apart.

All right, get them hands up there. Look mean, boy, come on!

One, two, three...

-Carrumph? -Carrumph.

-Carrumph! -All right, try the carrumph again.

One, two, three, carrumph!

Oh, little harder, Sergeant? Okay.

One, two, three, carrumph!

Okay, Sergeant. Stay tough.

One, two, three, carrumph! How's that, Sergeant?

Okay? Sergeant, you're a good teacher.

Sergeant!

One, two, three, carrumph!

Be ready.

My great-great-grandson is not going to like this!

I've got to admire your spunk. You just keep coming, don't you?

I try, Colonel.

-Look, Miss Wakefield... -Please call me Emily.

All right, Emily, if you'll call me Joe.

Come on, boy, this is not the way it's supposed to be.

I'm really sick this time, Colonel.

I've got pneumonia and my appendix hurts and my throat is strep.

Oh, that sounds serious, Williams. We'd better take a look at that.

Here.

-What's that? -Hmm?

Oh, hypotetrasulphaline.

It will make you feel better.

-I think I feel better already. -Are you sure?

Positive. I feel terrific.

That's good.

-Hey, David. -Yes, sir?

Here, why don't you try one of these?

They're supposed to be awfully good for people just getting over an illness.

Thank you, sir.

Good night.

Very nice, Joe.

Oh, I try.

Williams always goes through this the night before Suicide Hill.

Suicide Hill?

The severest test of character ever devised for the young men of Buxley.

And the young women.

Unless, of course, you'd rather not.

Oh, don't worry. We'll be there.

Somehow, I knew you would.

Suicide Hill, huh? So, that's your plan?

Well, sir, now we're getting somewhere.

Mamma mia!

C'mon, Count. We got work to do.

I got a better idea. Why don't you go ahead and I'll watch, you know?

Hey, if you don't come in, I'm telling the little missus.

Capisce?

-I can't watch? -You can't watch.

All right. I go with you. Why should I miss all the fun?

Get off my back!

Eulace!

Eulace! Eulace! Help!

Bettina! She's in trouble!

-Bettina, darling! -They went that way.

Who?

Two ghosts. They scared me to death.

There they are.

Just as I thought. Imposters!

Charge!

Ow!

Hey! Quit sticking me!

If I'm in front of you, how can I stick you?

Imbecile! Keep it quiet. Follow me.

-Give me back my head! -I ain't got your head!

What did you say?

Look.

Do you see what I see?

Something funny's going on around here.

Vincent, you suppose it is... You know who?

I don't know.

I don't believe in ghosts, but I'm getting out of here.

Wait for me!

Joe, what do you think's going on?

Follow them, Sweet.

And don't let them get away until you find out who they are,

and why they're trying to steal our thunder.

Yes, sir.

It's upstairs.

Get off my hand!

I knew this would never work.

Wait, Vincent! Don't leave me alone. Wait a minute!

What a mess you and my wife got me into!

I'm not leaving you.

Come on. She will be furious.

If we don't scare the girls out of Buxley Hall, it is finished.

Because Jeremy will stay put,

and we will lose the chance of controlling his inheritance.

-Do you understand? -No.

That's your game.

Posie, take this thing downstairs and put it in my office.

At ease, gentlemen! At ease.

Now, you know this is off limits up here. Get back to your quarters immediately.

Oh, Joe, relax.

All boys their age love to scare the girls. It's normal.

Boys? My boys traipsing around in sheets and Halloween masks?

Oh, come, come, Miss Wakefield.

We both know whose group specializes in breaking all the rules around here.

"Miss Wakefield"? What happened to "Emily"?

Gone.

Along with any thought that we could ever work things out amicably.

I'll see you at 0800 on Suicide Hill.

I smell divorce between the two schools.

No way.

Believe me. I've been through a few of them.

But calling off the merger? That doesn't make any sense.

If I know Miss Wakefield,

there's no way she's gonna let Colonel Buxley push her around.

I don't know what I'll do with you here and me somewhere else.

Well, you don't have to worry.

Because if you leave Buxley, I'll leave.

And that's final. I don't care how much my uncle wants me to stay.

Eulace?

Eulace, wake up.

Eulace, wake up, please! I've got something to tell you.

Oh, the old blunderbuss.

Oh, well.

He probably wouldn't listen to me anyway. He never does.

What's the trouble, ma'am? Something important?

Well, yes.

I just overheard poor little Jeremy sounding very unhappy

and telling his friend Posie,

that if she leaves Buxley, he's going to leave Buxley.

Hmm. Meanin' goodbye Uncle George and all the folding green

the General's countin' on to bail out the school.

General!

General, wake up, sir. It's urgent!

Dang! Like tryin' to raise the dead!

Ah, no pun intended, ma'am.

Well, Chester, we've got to do something.

Yeah, you're right. Especially about Suicide Hill.

We gotta make sure them girls don't quit.

The General won't like that.

Well, you let me worry about that. I'll explain it to him.

Sometimes it is better to retreat a little than to lose the war.

All right, gentlemen.

This is war.

And the enemy is up there.

Now, I expect a new record to the top this year.

Am I going to get it?

- Yes, sir! - I didn't hear you, gentlemen.

Yes, sir!

Okay, listen, girls. There's going to be a new record, all right?

Ours!

Beggin' General's pardon, sir.

Later, Sergeant. The attack is going to begin in 30 seconds.

Before this day is over,

these girls will be sorry they ever heard the name of Buxley.

But, sir, there's somethin' you ought to know.

-If the girls leave... -Silence!

You know my routine.

All right, Captain. Let's move them out.

Sir.

Company! Atten-hut!

Charge!

Okay, girls. Let's go!

Come on, boy. You can make it. Your friends are waitin' there for you.

Come on, boy! Upward and on! Oh, for Pete's sake.

-General? -Ha ha!

That isn't fair.

All's fair in love and war, my dear.

Sergeant?

Step aside.

Let's go. Let's go.

-All right? -Yeah, thanks.

Good.

See you at the top of the hill.

You creep!

Move it. Move it. Move it! Come on. Let's move it!

Ross!

Posie!

Move it, move it, move it!

Now, you mean the boy actually believes he's talking to ghosts?

That's right. Especially to that Sergeant Sweet.

Who died in 1897?

I tell you, I heard the little bugger talkin' to him

while he was swingin' at thin air.

I certainly did.

Per favore. My little spumoni face.

Listen to him. Please.

Oh, shut up, Sergio. I don't want to hear it.

Besides...

I've got a better idea.

It's absolutely foolproof, thanks to Ben here. Drink up, Ben.

Come on. Come on.

Enjoy your dinner, huh.

Come on, men!

- Well done, Miss Wakefield. - Thank you.

-So far. -So far?

Well, unfortunately there's one obstacle left.

The rope slide across Dogface Ravine to the finishing point.

Unless, of course, you ladies, would rather walk down that way.

Not on your life.

All right, men! Let's show them how it's done.

Geronimo!

Hooray!

Pocahontas!

Oh, dear. What a shame.

But that's the way it goes, Miss Wakefield.

I mean, sooner or later the wheat is separated from the chaff.

Here. Give me your hand.

Thank you, Colonel.

At ease, Miss Wakefield.

Oliver, we can't wait. The boy is on the verge of a complete breakdown.

But you don't understand. My court calendar is jammed.

But you've been such a good friend.

And you knew Jeremy's father. Oh, please.

Please, can't you find some time to see him?

And then you can decide what's best for the boy.

I don't see how, Ernestine. I've got court all month.

Oliver,

I'm afraid of what's going to happen.

What he might do to himself.

All right, Ernestine. I have an alumni dinner tomorrow,

but if you can have the boy at your house at 5:00 sharp,

I'll make it a point to drop by. Fair enough?

Oh, yes, Oliver. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

The Countess and I thank you very much, sir. You are most generous.

We appreciate you very much, sir. Thank you.

Posie? Posie, you there?

I had a hunch this is where you've been meeting your little Posie.

What's that to you?

Hey, button up, mister. You don't have permission to talk.

And pop to. That's an order!

Poor Jeremy. Gonna miss your little troublemaker, aren't you?

Now that the girls are gonna leave.

It's a lie.

And I'm sick and tired of you calling Posie names, you hear me, Hubert?

Loud and clear.

Question is,

what are you gonna do about it?

I'll punch you out, that's what.

Is that so?

Well. I'm, ah, ready if you are.

Chester, are you there?

Chester?

Clear a space, men.

I believe. I believe.

I believe!

All right, Ross. Time to punch me out.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

One.

-Come on. -Two.

Three, carrumph!

Lucky punch.

Oh!

Come on. Let's go.

One. Two.

Three, carrumph!

Anything more you want to say about Posie?

What was that all about?

Nothing. Let's get out of here.

-Did you see that? I carrumphed Hubert. -Yeah. I saw the whole thing, lad.

What are you talking about?

Oh, uh... Nothing.

Well, did you see me? I knocked down Hubert for both of us.

Well, what's the matter? Don't feel so sad.

That jerk's never gonna bother us again.

A lot of good it's gonna do us.

-Oh, Jeremy, we're leaving Buxley. -What?

Miss Wakefield's had it with the Colonel and vice versa.

-Well, what are we gonna do? -Shhh. Not now.

Yes, now. We have to talk about this. All of us.

Uh, Jeremy. Who're you talking to?

Sergeant-Major Chester Sweet.

Okay, don't believe me.

-Chester, you've got to let her see you. -No. I can't.

Okay. But I swear, if she leaves Buxley, I leave.

Look, don't say that. Ever!

Anyway, being a female, all she's gonna do is scream.

I know women.

-Okay then I'm leaving. -No. Wait.

All right. But you're gonna hear a scream.

There.

There. See what I said?

Hey, you're not kiddin'. You've got a ghost for a friend.

I am not a ghost. I'm a friendly spirit. And don't you forget it.

Hey, don't get so uptight, Chester. I'd like to be your friend, too.

If I was gonna be around long enough.

Well, Chester, can't you do anything about that?

Well, I'm sorry, lad. It's finished.

I'm finished. It's back to being a dusty old painting forever.

Oh, Chester. Don't say that.

Well, I got to. It's the truth.

You and the girls leave, then Jeremy leaves.

If Jeremy leaves, there goes his Uncle George's promise

to take care of Buxley's financial problems.

Okay, then I'll do it.

What're you gonna do?

Buy the school myself. Make everybody happy.

But, Jeremy,

even if your Uncle George does let you buy the academy, what then?

Well, simple. I'll make Colonel Buxley apologize to Miss Wakefield

and insist she stay. Right, Chester?

Sounds good to me.

Chester?

Shh.

Well, Chester, you were talking to them. You let them see you.

Well, I had to. But let me explain.

Darn it. He isn't home.

Hello, my darling.

-Aunt Ernestine. -Mmm-hmm.

Look, the boy had his bag and everything.

I didn't have any choice. I had to let him see me.

Oh, my. What is the General going to say?

What can he say? It's either the girls or oblivion.

Freeze it, ice it. Um...

-You mean cool it. -Yeah.

-Hey, Chester. -Where's Jeremy?

With his Aunt Ernestine.

When he told her that he couldn't get a hold of his uncle,

she said that she'd see to it that he did.

His aunt? That old... She's here?

Well, she was. He went to her house for dinner.

Oh, great balls of thunder and tarnation. We gotta stop her.

That old bag gets her hands on Jeremy, it's lights out for everybody.

Now, c'mon.

Chester, how are we going to get there?

Shhh. When all else fails,

there's always old picklepuss. Come on.

So, that's all there is to it.

Heck, it ain't nothing compared to breaking in a good trail pony.

Wonder what this doohickey does.

What about this thingamabob?

What the...

Oh, no. No, don't let it be.

Please. Don't let it be.

They're here!

They're here! Oh, oh!

Now, see what you did! Who's going to drive?

Don't worry, ma'am. Easy as pie.

Just shove down this little handle here, and away we go.

Watch it. Watch it!

Don't worry, ma'am. I got this little thing under control.

-Chester. Watch out! -Whoa! Whoa!

We're so happy to have you with us in our home.

Won't we have a nice visit, though.

Now, perhaps I can help you, dear, if you'll just tell me again.

-Why do you want to buy Buxley Hall? -No.

Oh, you can talk to me.

Even if it has something to do with your Sergeant friend?

How do you know about him?

Oh, well, an aunt has a way of hearing things.

Oh, don't look so worried.

Why, when I was your age, I had a fairy godmother.

Oh, I loved her and talked to her all the time.

She never did answer me.

That's probably because she wasn't a real ghost like Chester.

Chester?

Well, really it's Sergeant-Major Chester Sweet.

And he's the best friend I ever had. We talk all the time.

How nice.

Oh, I'd love to meet him.

Oh, no! You can't. I'm the only one that can see him.

But, he is there. Unless the girls leave.

Then the bank will have to sell the school off

and he'll just be a dusty old painting again.

Chester! Will you slow down?

I'm trying to! Whoa!

Whoa!

You're absolutely right, Ernestine.

The boy obviously needs a great deal of help.

Oh, yes! But not the kind of help George is giving him.

I mean, shipping the poor child from school to school

without any regard for his mental state.

Yes. Well, a change of custody would certainly seem in order.

Then, you will support me in court?

Better than that.

I'll speak to George tomorrow morning

and urge him to agree to a voluntary changeover.

Oh, bravo! Bravo!

Ciao, Judge Haynes. Ciao.

Tesoro mio, you see how simple it is?

Oh, there it is, 1095.

Hang on, ma'am!

Whoa boy, whoa! Hold it. Whoa!

All right! Who's there?

Vincent, you don't suppose it's, you know...

Ah!

Mr. Ghost, please don't hurt me.

You see, I like you. I am very friend...

I am Count... Gonzini...

This is the crest of my family!

Sergio? Vincent?

Will one of you please get Jeremy a glass of milk!

Oh, that's okay, Aunt Ernestine, I'll get it myself.

Oh, all right, dear! Well, I'll just leave this here for you, all right?

Sergio! Is that you?

Oh, no!

If you think that I am going to fall for one of these cheap tricks,

well, you've got another think coming.

It's no trick, Ernestine.

All right, prove it.

All right. How's this?

Oh!

Or this?

-Boo! -Oh!

Chester!

-And... -Hello, Jeremy. I'm Bettina Buxley.

Hi. What happened to Aunt Ernestine?

She tried to do you out of your inheritance, that's what!

Come on. We'll explain it on the way.

Okay. Thanks, Uncle George. See you then.

Well?

He won't let me buy it.

But he's coming up first thing in the morning

to see about setting up a special trust fund for the school.

All right, troops, mount up!

Ernestine! My tutti-frutti! Did they hurt you?

They was here, the ghosts.

They was.

Oh!

Oh, but this time they have met their match!

Where are you going? What are you going to do?

I am going to buy Buxley Academy from Quimby, first thing in the morning!

Ernestine, my little rum baba,

Judge Haynes already promised you the boy's legal custody.

Why would you want to buy the school?

Because I am not going to rest until that place is leveled to the ground.

And those insolent, meddlesome ghosts right along with it.

And I don't care how much of Jeremy's fortune this is going to cost.

Well, it's a shame things couldn't work out.

You know you have my total admiration. You're...

...quite a woman, Emily.

Thank you, Joe.

Chester, watch this.

Please, ma'am, we have got to find the General before he bollixes things up.

Shh! I think they're going to make up.

You know, Emily, I was thinking. Maybe we could make a compromise.

That is, if you could put up with a man like me.

Compromise?

You see, I'm expecting certain funds shortly and...

Well, perhaps we could build a separate facility for you and your girls.

-Separate? -But equal.

Separate but equal?

Sure!

No, not on your life.

Then, I guess that settles it, Miss Wakefield.

Indeed it does, Colonel Buxley.

Any questions?

Okay, girls. Put everything on the truck.

Please check to make sure that you haven't left anything behind. Okay?

Push everything way to the back of the truck.

Your Uncle George better hurry!

He said he'd be here.

Come on girls, on the bus. Hurry!

I got to go.

Bye.

Make sure that you have everything. Get on the bus.

Feel no shame, ladies. You were a noble adversary.

Noble indeed.

Eulace! We've been looking all over for you!

You're just in time to observe the enemy flee the battlefield.

That's just the problem, sir. We can't let the girls leave.

The academy's survival depends on it.

Impossible. I can't believe it.

Oh, no, no, no. It's the only way. The girls have to stay.

Sherman was right. War is hell.

Stop! Stop that car.

-Halt! Stop! -Please stop.

I'm sorry, ma'am! You can't enter...

Please get out of my way. I just bought this place.

Please! You can't do this!

Oh, yes, I can!

Aunt Ernestine! What are you doing here?

Darling! I've come to take you home.

Not with you. I'm not going with you. All you want is my money.

-Oh! -What seems to be the trouble here?

Sir, this woman insists that she just bought the academy!

Which I plan to tear down to the ground immediately!

That's impossible! You have no legal right to do anything!

Quimby?

Well, I did just close the deal, I think.

I mean, absolutely.

Quimby, I'll get an injunction to stop you.

Now, you had all better leave. And I do mean now.

Forget it!

Gentlemen, if you will please follow me!

Attack!

Captain, mobilize the cadets immediately.

Yes, sir!

-And that means you, Ross. -Yes, sir!

Quimby...

Hawkins, sound assembly on the double!

Move! Move!

Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

Colonel, what is going on?

No time to talk. The academy, they're trying to tear it down.

Tear down my academy?

Captain,

open the tool shed and issue weapons, immediately!

Don't just stand there. Prepare the artillery!

Yes, sir!

- Move it! Move it! - Eulace, I'm coming, too!

Well, I guess if West Point and Annapolis can handle it,

so can I.

Come on, girls, off the bus!

-Now knock that down! -Down!

All right, you men! Out of that truck!

Now let's go! Come on! Let's go.

Move it! Move it! On the double!

We have no ammo, sir.

Well, what'll we do?

Wait! How about this cement?

Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!

All right! Hold your ranks, men!

Well?

Load her up.

What is the matter with you men?

Yes! Do you realize I am paying you good money for this?

Oh, sissies!

Are you going to let a bunch of spoiled little brats make fools of you?

-No, ma'am! -All right then, get in there!

-Yeah! -That's more like it.

Ah! Ah!

Fire!

Direct hit! Good shooting, my dear! Good shooting!

Charge!

Hurry! Get Jeremy!

Let me go!

- Somebody do something! - Vincent, hurry up!

Chester!

Joe!

Oh! Oh!

See you back at the house!

-Grab his feet, somebody. -I got him. I got him.

Come on!

Halt!

Get off my property!

We won't let you wreck

our school!

-Excellent. -Yeah.

Uncle George!

Ah, Jeremy!

Oh, you look great!

Oh, oh, oh.

They're after me again! They are!

A whole army of ghosts.

Popping in and out all over the place!

Shooting cannons at me, a pie in my face.

They are, they are. I can't stand it anymore!

About these change of custody papers, George,

obviously your sister is in no condition to assume the guardianship of Jeremy,

now or ever.

-We did it! -Yes, we did it!

All right!

You and your girls were brilliant!

Thank you!

It's a moment we'll always remember,

wherever we are.

Well...

-I guess we better go. -Do you have to?

I mean,

do you really want to?

Let's face it, Joe.

This is your academy and it always will be.

I'll be right back, Uncle George. I have to find someone.

-Colonel Buxley! -Mr. Ross!

I just discussed it with Mr. Hart, and pending your approval,

I've agreed to set up an endowment fund

in memory of Jeremy's parents,

that should relieve all financial burdens of the academy.

-Mr. Ross... -But...

-There is one condition. -Sir?

That the academy remain co-educational,

and be co-administered on an equal basis by Miss Wakefield.

What do you say, Colonel?

Any objections?

No, no! I... I think it's wonderful!

But, it's...

Not up to me alone.

Sounds like a lovely idea.

Mr. Ross, you've got a deal!

Good! Good!

Oh, Eulace, isn't that wonderful!

Humph! My own great-great-grandson!

Gooey as a marshmallow.

Chester?

-Chester, where are you? -Chester, you around here anywhere?

-Chester? -Chester?

-Chester, where are you? -Chester?

Right here.

Chester, you were great. All of you!

And that cannon! Wow!

Yeah. Well, whatever.

It's over now.

Listen.

You two take care of yourselves.

You mean I won't see you again? Ever?

Afraid not, lad.

Back to the trophy room wall for the lot of us.

But what are we going to do without you?

Oh, you'll be all right. The both of you.

You two, skedaddle.

Go on! Scoot!

You know I ain't the type for this goodbye stuff.

Thank you.

Go on.

Oh, there you are, Sergeant.

Time to settle in again, now that the academy is safe.

Begging the General's pardon, sir,

but I was just thinking about that very thing.

I mean, the academy's safe today, but what about tomorrow?

Good point. Things could go wrong.

What did you have in mind, Sweet?

Well, sir, that we keep reconnoitering the area.

Make sure that all goes well.

Hmm. Yes.

Very well, Sergeant. Post a guard.

Yes, sir!

Women. I just can't get used to it.

Ah, but I still have my memories of the old days,

when men were men and women knew their place.

Bettina, my dove, open a bottle of sherry.

Open it yourself, Eulace!