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What're you gonna be Macklin?

Eh, an airline pilot.

What about you?

An astronaut.

Oh, come on.

If you can stand on your head for 20 minutes without throwing up,

you can be an astronaut.

You're a damn liar, Pat Hagen.

You're a toad, Ray Macklin.

Hey Ray, why don't Italians have barbecues?

What?

Why don't Italians have barbecues?

Italians do have barbecues.

It's a joke, you fool, a joke.

Oh, will you just grow up, Pat?

H i. I'm Pat Hagen,

Vice President of Bon-Aire I nter- national Airlines.

You know Bon-Aire is the most inexpensive way

to fly to major destinations all over the world.

But what you might not realize

is that we're the safest passenger carrier flying today.

How can we charge so little for all that safety?

Let's think about it.

Is it cutting operating costs here

at Bon-Aire I nternational Headquarters

on furniture, stationery and executive perks? Not a chance.

No, we cut costs on the aircraft itself.

H ustling the cheapest fuel, engine parts, and illegal alien labor money can buy.

And then we pass these savings on to you, our customers.

So think about it. Not one of our jets have crashed.

Fly Bon-Aire today. Or soon, before the shit hits the fan.

Because we at Bon-Aire realize our good luck can't hold out for ever.

Bon-Aire - we haven't crashed... yet!

D'you think they'll buy it, Macklin?

I think you're banging your new secretary.

What? Have you seen the memo?

I don't believe I have that information.

Asshole, tell me the truth.

What did you call me, Macklin?

Asshole. I called you an asshole.

I feel great Ray, like a jack rabbit.

So you're screwing her?

This guy goes into a confessional, he says " Father,

"I'm a 65 year old man, and I've been sleeping

with a 19 year old girl for six weeks. "

The priest says "Are you a good Oatholic?"

This guy says "I'm not Oatholic, I'm Jewish.

The priest says, "What are you telling me for?"

The guys says "I'm telling everybody. "

Bon-Aire I nternational Airlines.

Oh, hi, J udy.

Well, it's alright

Riding around I n the breeze

Well it's alright

If you live The life you please

Well, it's alright

Doing the best you can

Well, it's alright

As long as you lend a hand

You can sit around and wait For the phone to ring

Waiting for someone To tell you everything

At the end of the line

Sit around and wonder What tomorrow will bring

At the end of the line

Maybe a diamond ring

Well, it's alright

Hey, how did Jonah get out of the whale?

He ran around until he got pooped.

Hey, hey, d'you know why a dog licks his balls?

No, why?

Because he can!

H i, Dad.

H i, kids. Dad, Dad.

Are you my kids?

Yes, we're your kids.

What do you think, Dad?

Want me to keep you through college? Do me a favor.

I don't want to.

You wanna come over for a broccoli festival?

See you later.

Hey, don't you guys have school today?

Who's gonna get the high-five first?

Who's gonna get the high-five first?

Who's gonna get the high-five first?

You can't get me. Oome on.

Who's gonna get it! Oome on! Oome on! Oome on!

You little pussies! Oome on!

Wilma! Oome open this door!

Get in there, bug your mother all day. Let's go!

We're gonna be late.

Hey Dad, when you're dead is it true you get worms in your ears?

Where the hell's the sitter?

She'll be here.

What about the worms, Dad?

What? No, I don't think so.

M rs. Armstrong at catechism, she says if you're bad and you die,

you're gonna go to hell and get pitchforked.

She said nothing about worms.

M rs. Armstrong's got hairs up her nose.

Joey.

Okay, what the hell.

What?

You didn't put salt on this.

Excessive salt is bad for you, Dad. Killer salt.

Killer!

Oh, yeah?

Stop it, Dad. It's not funny, Dad.

It's not funny, Dad.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Tiki party at the Hagen's household.

Alright, let's hear it for the performing seals, huh?

Thank you.

Would you like any hors d'oeuvre?

Where did Mo get this salt thing?

Why eat before the party?

Killer salt! Where's she get this? Where's she get this horse shit?

Well salt's bad for you.

What are you doing?

Goddamn pants!

Shop for your own, big boy.

H i, aloha!

This guy... wait, wait, you're gonna love this part. Wake up.

...your name on it.

Alright, alright, alright, start it all over again.

Ahhhh.

Oh, thanks!

This guy goes into a bar, right?

Brings in this alligator, puts alligator on the bar...

Opens up the alligator's mouth like that.

Takes out his thing, puts it in the mouth...

Oh, really. Will you tell the damn jokel

It's my joke come on.

...thing like that,

goes up to alligator, bam on the top of the head like that.

Alright? Opens up, pulls it out, not a scratch on it.

Says, " Hey, anybody else here can do that?"

This guy says "Yes, I can, but don't hit me on the top of the head. "

How do women hold their liquor?

By the ears.

Hey, what's the difference between me now and a proctologist?

A proctologist looks at one asshole at a time.

What's this? What's this?

A womens' hundred meter hurdles.

You get it Sarge? Am I going too fast for you kids?

Hey, what's an I rishman who stays out all night?

Paddy O' Furniture!

Hey, hey, why don't Italians have barbecues, huh? Because...

Oall an ambulance.

M rs. Hagen, I'm sorry.

We lost him.

You what?

We lost him.

What do you mean, you... you lost him?

I'm sorry. It happens.

How could you lose him?

We tried everything that we could.

He was right here.

Find him!

What?

Find him!

Ray.

I'm so sorry, M rs. Hagen.

It was a massive coronary occlusion.

It's not uncommon at his age.

If it's any consolation, it was fast. He never knew.

How is she?

She's sleeping.

Her sister came over.

I can't believe it.

Oh, God. I mean, I'm sitting here, Jen, and I...

he was telling this dumb joke.

He said, "Why don't Italians have barbecues?"

And then we just lost him.

He's dead, Ray.

Well, he never even got to the punchline.

Help!

Oh.

Do you think he's got worms?

Did you bring your shovel?

I got it.

What did the Italian do with his first fifty cent piece?

He married her!

Hey, come on, tell another joke.

No!

Yeah, you're gonna love this onel

Oh. Why don't Italians have barbecues?

I don't know why. J ust please, please, please tell me why.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

Joey! Mo!

Let me out.

What's going on?

No!

Not that one, Ray I Nol

Ray!

Oh!

Ray! Ray!

What happened? What's wrong?

My heart!

My heart is beating!

That's good!

It's supposed to do that!

It's thumping! It's beating like crazy!

Oalm down! You're getting hysterical!

I can feel it pumping!

I'll take your pulse!

Aw! You're not a doctor!

I'm a registered nurse!

You're my wife!

It's a little fast, that's all.

I'm gonna pass out!

You're hyperventilating!

Oall the doctor!

Ray!

Oall him!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Are you alright, M r. Macklin?

Dad.

What is it, Joey?

Mom says the doctor says do you have any chest pains?

No.

Wait.

Maybe. No. Yes!

No. Yes. I don't know.

Yes, I have. I have chest pains.

He's got chest pains, Mom.

Ask him if his arm hurts.

Does your arm hurt, Dad?

Oh, which one?

Mom, Dad says which one.

Oome on.

He said he'll meet us at the hospital. Get dressed.

Oh, God. Oh God! Let's go! Oh.

Hold it up there! Hold it or we shoot!

No!

I live here, for God's sakes!

I live herel

No, you nuts. He's my husband I

Look, this is all a mistake. My husband is ill.

It's all a mistakel I tried calling you but the line was busy.

Now, go ahead, shoot me, if that's what you want!

We won't do it again.

Promise.

No problem, ma'am, all part of the service.

Quick... quick...

Why did you stop them, Mom? I wanted to see them fire their guns!

You want to see them kill your father? Oome on.

Nobody's gonna kill Dad I

Get in the car, Mo.

Quick!

Macklin...

M r. Macklin...

you can stop now.

You can stop now!

Pains. Pains. Terrible pains.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, M r. Macklin,

but this reads like the E KG of a healthy man.

There must be something wrong with the machine, believe me.

There's no spontaneous Phneumothorax.

I've run an E KG and a treadmill test...

J ust tell me the truth, I can handle it.

You're healthy.

You're lying.

If you're insecure we could run an echogram.

A what?

An echogram test.

Well let's do it!

Do you value my opinion, M r. Macklin?

I do, Doctor.

You're wasting your money.

Let's waste it.

Bye, Dad I

Good morning M r. Macklin, my name is Doctor Wolf.

Let's switch on the juice.

At first glance I'd say that's a normal echogram.

At first glancel

It's a normal echogram, M r Macklin.

But I'll send it for analysis.

Analysis?

J ust to please you, and to avoid a legal action in case I'm wrong.

How can I sue you if I'm dead?

Litigation will always find a way.

Meanwhile, I'd like to refer you to a specialist.

A specialist?

I'd like you to see this man here.

You just need to talk to someone.

Now here's the name, here's the address,

and I've fixed an appointment for you on Thursday.

That urgent, huh?

I'd like you to see him.

Now you go back to work, M r. Macklin.

Don't be afraid. J ust do what you have to do.

Be normal.

M r. Macklin!

Barbara.

I really have to talk to you, please.

Oh, look this is obviously a tragic loss.

Pat Hagen died... died and...

No.

They gave her her notice.

What?

They gave me my notice.

They can't do that, you're my secretary.

She's your secretary.

I know she's my secretary.

They gave you Pat Hagen's secretary.

What?

You've got to do something, M r. Macklin.

The girls feel strongly about this.

I... I'll fix it. Don't worry. I'll fix it.

What the hell's going on here?

Good morning, M r. Macklin, would you like some coffee?

Sure.

How do you take it?

Oold. Too much milk and not enough sugar...

just the way Barbara makes it.

I was assigned to you, M r. Macklin. I didn't request it.

Yeah, sure.

I'm very sorry about M r. Hagen.

Yeah, I know.

I told him to see a doctor.

There was nothing wrong with him.

H is eyes were all bloodshot.

Everybody's eyes are bloodshot.

That's what he said.

Well, he was right.

He was wrong.

I'll take this.

You can have it.

Ray. You know Bob Phillips and Duke Andrews in from M idwest regional.

We wanted to get coordinated on this price hike response.

Sit down.

We're gonna catch the usual flak, so we need to map out a response

before word gets out we're raising prices. What d'you say?

Well, we have a low level of complaints.

Olearly we should stress that.

Absolutely.

People are prepared to pay to feel secure.

We'll get them there in one piece, it's important.

It's essential.

You okay, Ray?

Yeah, I'm fine.

We, uh, we lost one of our colleagues yesterday.

We're sending out search parties.

Maybe you should've stayed home today, Ray.

We haven't even buried him, Harry,

and they're scraping his name off the door.

It's company policy, Ray, the hotel of life.

You check out, they come in to make up the room.

Come on, Ray, this is one of the worst days of my life.

I'm shittin'a pickle here, Ray.

Why don't Italians have barbecues, eh? Why?

I don't know, Harry. Why?

Yeah well I don't know either, Bob, God damn it I

Pat Hagen, he was the last man on the planet who knew.

A secret lost forever down the corridors of time.

Are my eyes red?

Well... I guess they are. I guess so.

Shit.

Why give me his new secretary?

Because she has a good degree and she has a good ass.

What more do you want?

I was very happy with Barbara.

Barbara made lousy coffee, Ray, everybody knows she made lousy coffee.

It was a fucking wonder nobody died.

Ray I

Ray!

Ray!

Ray. Slow down, slow down, Ray.

Look, um,

Pat's death...

it's tragedy.

I relied on him, Ray.

Bon-Aire relied on him.

Raising our prices, it's a disaster.

Half our planes are up there empty.

If they all landed at one time, I don't know where I would put them.

We've got to keep the fleet in the air.

Raise our prices...

Pat... Pat was the one guy who could have sold it.

He had this... this line on safety.

He made you feel secure.

Don't bend on me, Ray.

I need your support.

Don't worry, Harry. I'll be there.

You alright?

Hey, where're you going?

No, it's this way.

No, it's not. It's this way.

No, this is the one.

Okay. Oome on.

Splendid room.

Yeah, it sure is.

Ah, made on the premises. Built to last.

It's the steel sheeting that does it.

Ah, Sammy Fisher.

Ran a deli over on San Marco, did you know him?

U m... no.

Ohoked to death. On a dill pickle.

It was a trick he did for the customers.

He swallowed them whole.

Tragic.

Stupid. I laughed.

Well yes I guess you have to.

Israel D'Amato.

No, Ray Macklin.

No, I'm Israel D'Amato.

Oh, Ray, uh, Macklin.

Here. My card.

Funerals, lying-in- state, embalming's a specialty.

Don't lose it.

Keep it handy.

Put it on top of your freezer.

He looks good, doesn't he, Jen?

We tried him with his blue suit on,

but he looks better in gray.

Er, I always preferred gray myself for an important occasion.

I recommend it.

M r. D'Amato has really been a lot of help to us.

He looks really good, M r. D'Amato.

Healthy. I try my best to make them look healthy.

And slimmer. He needed to lose a few pounds.

We ought to tell a joke.

Oh Harry. I'm sorry, I didn't see you there, M r. Lardner.

People tend to look over me. It makes me ambitious.

Right.

A joke. We oughta tell a joke.

Ray would've... Pat would've loved it.

Kind of like a... a special prayer.

I... I can't think of one.

Watch this?

Oh why doest Thou set thy heart upon it?

Thou visiteth him early in the morning and Thou appears to him suddenly.

How long will Thou not spare me nor suffer me to swallow down my spital.

I have sinned. What shall I do to Thee, oh keeper of men?

Why hast Thou set me opposite to Thee

and I am become burdensome to myself.

Why dost Thou not remove my sin

and why dost Thou not take away mine iniquity.

Behold now I shall sleep in the dust.

And if Thou seek me in the morning I shall not be.

I believe my redeemer liveth...

And that in the last day I shall rise from the earth.

And in my flesh I shall see God my Savior.

M r. Macklin, would you come here a minute?

Oh, what is it, Barbara?

I know this is not the time or the place...

You're right.

Have you talked to M r. Lardner?

Well, I... I've talked with him but I'm not sure what I can do.

Oome on... come on, you guys, get in.

Joe, Joey come on.

Please don't reject me.

I'm not rejecting you. I'll do what I can.

Don't you like me anymore?

Of... of course I like you.

We have been together for three whole years.

I have done my best to try to please you.

Will you please stop crying?

You don't like me. You like her better than you do me.

That has got nothing to do with it.

Look, I'll do what I can.

Yeah.

I hate him so damn much, Ray.

He just didn't take care enough about himself.

He felt good.

He was tired more. He'd get headaches.

He told me, he said " I feel great" he said.

"Like a, a... " well, he... he told me, Oonnie, yeah...

We didn't make love like we used to.

H is libido was fading.

It was?

I should know, Raymond. They were all signs.

Signs?

Did you eat?

Oh, and his eyes were all red.

Patrick woke up one night last week and he just grabbed him.

"Daddy. Daddy!" Like he knew.

Is there salt in this?

Oh, and electric light bulbs started to blow...

that's always been a sign.

What d'you...?

What d'you mean? What kind of sign?

Foretells a death. Everybody knows that.

My mother told me.

Dennis, stop doing that right now. Get in the house. Get along! Go!

I've been thinking, right? This is serious.

No more salt. From now on we're a no salt family.

Then I guess you won't be needing this.

That sandwich is going to kill you.

I'll take my chances.

Why did God make the Italians smelly?

So even the blind could hate em.

How d'you brain - wash an Italian? Give him an enema.

M r. Macklin?

Yes.

Barbara's out sick.

She still faces dismissal at the end of the month and now she's out sick.

I just wanted to let you know that.

Well, is it serious?

Nothing that wouldn't kill her.

But you know how it is. One never expects to catch pneumonia.

She's got pneumonia?

Not yet.

Why do you have screen doors on Italian submarines? To keep the fish out.

Why does the Italian Army wear brown uniforms?

They shit their pants and it does not show.

How do you brainwash an Italian? Give him an enema.

How many Italians does it take to give your car a lube job?

Only one if you hit him right.

Shit, I can't believe it.

Why don't Italians have barbecues, for Ohrist's sakes?

Is it too much to ask?

H i, there.

U h, excuse me...

Excuse me, what... what are you doing?

This is my office.

Well, how do you like it?

It suits you.

U h, I'm Ray Macklin. I have an appointment with Dr. Duffin.

Yes, that is correct.

And you must be M r. Macklin.

Please take a seat in reception.

Oh, no.

Listen to this.

"Headaches are often the first sign of a stroke.

"If you have a headache, see your cardiologist immediately.

He can save your life. "

Boy, am I glad I bought this book.

You get headaches?

Yeah, I guess so.

Me too.

This book can save lives.

Does it say anything about echograms in there?

Have you had an echogram?

Th... that's right, I have.

Boy, you must be in a bad way.

Heart trouble, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

I have heart trouble. If affects my breathing.

I have to fight for breath.

If I try to control it,

I get palpitations.

I can feel the blood pumping through my veins.

I can hear my heart beating.

Do you ever get that?

Yeah.

Have you had a colonoscope?

No.

Excess gas or wind can be the first sign of cancer of the colon,

the bladder or your rectum.

If you have a lot of wind... I have a lot of wind...

you must have a colonoscope.

It's a long flexible tube with a camera on the end of it,

an all-seeing eye exploring your intestinal tract.

They let you watch it all on a little car monitor they set up.

It's the strangest feeling,

lying there and watching what's going on up your own asshole.

I've had five.

What did they find?

Nothing.

But I'm gonna have another one next week.

M r. Gittinger.

I've been terminally ill the last eight years.

Doctors are all liars, you know that?

They lie all the time,

especially to the terminally sick.

M r., uh, Macklin.

Yesl

This is a letter of referral from Doctor Haskell.

I guess you know I've already talked to Dr. Haskell on the telephone

and I know he's talked to your wife.

I'm just reading the letter to make sure there's nothing I've missed.

Did he tell you about the echogram?

You've had an echogram?

I just said that.

I see.

So you're feeling fine.

If I'm going to die, Doctor, I'd like you to tell me.

You're not going to die.

How can you be so sure?

Well, none of us can be certain.

So what are you saying?

You're a healthy man, you're not going to die.

What if you're lying and I believe you? Then what?

You just said you can't be certain.

Death is something we all have to come to terms with,

that's what I'm saying.

We all have to die sometime.

Not me. I'm willing to cheat.

I'll go straight to the back of the line.

What about your friend who died?

He died.

How do you feel about that?

I feel he made a very big mistake.

Do you have any feelings of grief?

Me, Doc, what about me?

I'm, I'm sorry, I keep calling you "Doc. "

I'm sorry. What did you do to your finger?

What?

There's a band-aid on your finger.

Disposable razor. It's just a nick.

Did you have it checked?

No.

Well, get it checked. Don't take the chance.

How long have I got, Doc? Tell me. I really want to know.

I don't know. If we could all answer that question,

it would destroy the will to live. It's better not to know.

What about my heart condition? What about my, my echogram?

I'm a psychotherapist, M r. Macklin, not a cardiologist.

I can't answer that.

What?

A psychotherapist.

I'm in the wrong office.

No.

You're a shrink.

You're not in the wrong office, M r. Macklin.

You think I'm crazy.

No, you're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with your heart.

What you have had is a severe attack of anxiety.

Anxiety generates fear. It eats into everything.

It gets so you worry about every little cut finger.

You just can't live.

You are a psychiatrist.

Psychotherapist.

This is a conspiracy. You're shittin' me! All of you!

You, you think you can make me think it's all inside my head?

You think you can make me think that?! Bullshit!

You, you you're all shittin' me!

To what address do I send the account, M r. Macklin?

Try sticking it, lady!

A paranoid psychotic with deep-rooted schizophrenic tendencies.

Needs careful handling.

U h, excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me. D'you have...

Fuck off, shithead!

Hey, hey, just a minute.

It must be some kind of mistake. I... we were talking.

We were talking. J ust ask him.

Spencer Gittinger doesn't make mistakes.

J ust ask him. All I want to know,

J ust ask him the title of the book he's got.

You heard the man. go fuck yourself.

J ust the book, the title.

Sir, um, we've got a problem here. Excuse me, my coat is...

my coat is caught in the door. Excuse me.

Sir!

Sir, my...

coat... my coat is...

Excuse me, you've got my coat.

You weasel-featured motherfucker! I hope you explode!

Stop!

My coat!

This yours?

Yes, yes, that's it... did... did you get 'em?

Don't be messing around in these parts.

But they, they stole my jacket - they destroyed it!

My God.

Cosmic constipation is a fact of life.

A blocked colon means toxic waste.

The secret of the universe can only be revealed

through a toxic-free colon, says Dr. Daniel Hapgut.

Discover the joys of cosmic irrigation.

Call our tollfree number now, get your copy of...

"The Hypochondriac's Guide To Everything That Kills You. "

"Winning Through Anal Retention"...

"Pain Oan Be Your Friend"...

Where am I going?

What is...?

Your lower tract is the center of your intestinal universe.

Oh, my God.

When your lower tract is clean,

the impurities of your body can no longer pollute your mind.

And you can become one with your lower tract,

which will become the passage to your inner self...

This guy's a fucking fruitcake.

How was that, M r. Gittinger.

Good, I think I'm gonna be sick.

The bucket is right there in the back, sir.

U h, can you manage that, M r. Gittinger?

I can handle it. Drive the fucking car, George.

Yes, sir.

Dr. Hapgut's Oonstipation and the Oosmic Oolon

has already sold over one million...

Good morning, group!

Morning, Dad.

Oh, I'm hungry.

Good morning, Daddy.

You goin' jogging?

Jogging? I am flying!

It's a beautiful day in Linden Drive!

The little kids, they're hot-doggin' their Big Wheels

You can smell the bacon frying,

and the M r. Ooffee's brewing!

And you can hear the penitent sounds of Raymond Joseph Macklin,

husband, confessing to his beautiful wife, Jennifer Nancy...

Don't call me that!

I have been a pain, Jennifer Nancy,

a first class ace of a pain.

You sure that's all you've been?

What could be worse?

I could think of a couple of things.

On a day like this?! I feel like a jack rabbit!

What would you like to eat?

Three eggs, sausage, hash browns, toast,

lots of butter and salt. I want salt!

Salt! You said we couldn't eat salt.

I love salt I

Me too!

We love salt! We love salt!

Woo!

No! Watch the flowers!

Woo!

Geronimo.

Oome on, come on, come on.

What's this?

Eh, Pat Hagen's condoms. What's left of them.

Did he bequeath them to you?

No, no, I found 'em right there in his desk.

Why are you presenting them to me?

I do believe you're blushing, Diana.

There's color in those cheeks.

Why should I blush? I don't even blush at what goes inside them.

But they're Pat's, they were in his desk.

Good morning, M r. Macklin. Your coffee, M r. Macklin.

Thank you, Barbara.

You need me for anything else, M r. Macklin?

No, that, that'll be all for the decade, thank you, Barbara.

Here are those price- hike response memos.

I've been speculating on rerouting and on rescheduling.

The North East looks real slack.

I've got the research guys working on competitive indexes,

I'll have those this afternoon.

And in six months, we should be looking at expansion.

Good.

Here's how I figure it, Harry.

We have to remind people of some basics, alright?

Our planes don't crash. Our engines don't malfunction.

Safety and security, it's in the mind.

Flying is safer than getting in and out of your own bathtub.

Statistics show that.

It's much safer than sneezing when your whole body

suspends its flight pattern for a moment.

It does? I didn't know that.

I read it. And it's a helluva lot safer...

than putting it into your secretary

after a good steak and a couple of martinis.

And you got two.

And I got two.

Solid.

Solid, solid, solid, solid.

You got the job.

What job?

Vice President.

For life.

Let me tell you something.

I n case you haven't noticed,

we girls are now being issued with functional brains.

If you want to talk to me, talk to me.

You don't have to come on like some - thing out of junior high

or make jokes about condoms.

Why don't you try talking to me like a human being?

Did... did you have a thing going with Pat?

Is that what concerns you?

I'm asking.

It concerns you.

Dr. Duffin's office.

H i, this is Ray Macklin.

Oh, yes.

I was in to see Dr. Duffin yesterday.

I'm sorry. Oan I put you on hold?

Go right ahead.

Thank you.

H i, I've got a... Dr. Hemsley's office on the line.

Er, take a message.

Yes, hello, yes, this is Ray Macklin for Dr. Duffin.

M r. Macklin, Dr...

No, nothing important. I just wanted him to know

that he worked a miracle. Yes.

M r. Macklin...

we have suffered a sudden and grievous loss.

Dr. Duffin...

we've lost him.

What d'you mean, you've lost him?

He's passed on.

What d'you mean passed on?

I mean he's dead, M r. Macklin.

What else could I mean?

H is finger. He nicked his finger.

It was the disposable razor that did it.

M r. Macklin.

Barbara? Yes, what is it? What d'you want?

Your other call. I took a message.

A Dr. Hemsley has the results of your tests.

She wants you to call her back.

Eh, it was, eh Doctor Haskell, yes?

Dr. Haskell who sent me your echogram.

No need for concern really

You have a condition known as mitral valve prolapse.

What this means simply

is that one of the valves in your heart

isn't functioning quite properly.

It's a benign condition, nothing to be concerned about.

There is no pain, no discomfort.

U m... well it's possible that occasionally

you might experience premature ventricular contractions.

Premature ventricular...

Oontractions. PVOs. It's a skipped beat now and then.

Don't worry about it.

I just want to inform you, um,

Don't overwork, watch your diet.

Exercise you know the usual things, eh,

and, eh, everything will be just fine.

Oan I help you, sir?

U h, come on. Go ahead.

U h, yes, I'm eh...

I'm, I'm, I'm looking for one of those blood pressure things.

Would it be for yourself sir?

It would.

I check mine four times a day.

You do?

Follow me.

This is the one you need, look no further.

Top price, best quality. Trust it.

This one saved my life.

How about a pulse index?

Do I need it?

Never leave home without it. Here.

It's a little high.

That's neat, Dad. Oan I have one?

We'll take two.

Two.

Now...

This is a great gizmo.

Heartwatch beat evaluator.

Tells you if your heartbeat is strong, weak, fast,

slow, stressed, overstressed. Here.

M r. Macklin.

M r. D'Amato.

You still got my card?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, have another. Keep it handy.

This is my son, Alberto.

This is Ray Macklin, the gentleman I told you about.

How's, how's business?

Oh, they're dropping like flies out there, M r. Macklin,

I can't stop making money.

Hello.

Take a look at this beauty.

State of the art, portable oxy gen tank.

Oonvenient as a briefcase, carries like a golf bag.

Heart attack, smoke inhalation, electric shock.

Have you considered hydrotherapy?

Are you water and power?

What?

How'd you like to fix my pipes?

We've got a whole half hour before my husband gets back.

We still have time to change the sheets.

That's not funny.

What do you want?

I want you to come to bed, Ray.

And I want you to screw me.

If we leave it any longer, we'll have to go back to dating.

Yeah, sure. I'll be right there.

I'm left breathless by your enthusiasm.

What's this thing again?

It's a hydrotherapy unit.

Relaxes the muscles, reduces tension, improves circulation.

It's just what I need.

Raymond Joseph Macklin! If you don't get in here and screw me,

I'm gonna take up smoking.

You never used that word before.

What word?

Screw.

That's the way I'm feeling.

I'm lighting a Camel I

I'm sucking on a Camel in here, Ray.

Oh, hi, boys. Oome on in. Hey, Ray, the 49ers are here!

Olimb on in, boys. Ray's in the bathroom playing with his faucet.

I can't.

Oan't what?

Sex, intercourse. I can't do it.

Why not? Lost your pecker?

Not tonight, I...

Pecker?

You never called my pecker a pecker before.

Not tonight?

No, not really.

Maybe you're getting old.

Maybe.

U h-huh.

I saw Oonnie going into her house with some other guy. Today.

I saw it.

Pat was having an affair.

How did you know that?

Oonnie told me. He was screwing his secretary.

What?

It's a fact.

Well, then what was all this horse-shit at the funeral

about not being able to get it up any more?

She was at his funeral.

What, laying out all that crap about failing libidos

and he was jumping like a jack rabbit?

But he just wouldn't jump with Oonnie.

Right.

H is wife.

Right.

Ow! God... that!

One little blood clot - that could cause a blood clot.

Oonnie was his wife.

Well then what is she doing down there right now?

What does it matter?

You would do that to me, wouldn't you?

What?

You would, wouldn't you?

Bring another man into the house?

Oonnie's got her own life to lead.

I knew it!

Five days dead and Oonnie's got her own life to lead!

But it's you that's screwing around, Ray, not me! It's you!

What?!

You're having an affair with your secretary.

Secretaries. That... that Barbara.

Barbara?

She makes me gag just thinking about it.

Have you seen the shape of her?

Jenny?

Ohm no bullshit, Ray. I know all about it.

You're jumping like a jack rabbit, admit it.

But Barbara? Are you serious? Oome on.

I mean, oh no, I could, I could never, never...

do it with Barbara.

Not since Diana.

Jenny, I am... I am not having an affair with Diana.

Let's call it a legacy.

I am not, I swear it.

Then make love to me, for God's sakes! Be a man!

I can't.

Oh, you bastard.

I can't. I can't make love to you.

I'm... I'm sick, I'm gonna die.

I have a heart problem, Jen.

There's something wrong with my valve.

Ray...

Stop it, please.

I saw the cardiologist today.

It was the echogram test. She called me to her office.

If you've got a heart condition, what are you doing

messin' with hydrotherapy units?

I thought I should carry on as normal.

Don't cry. No tears. Please.

No flowers. No tears.

What kind of valve problem?

I don't know. The mitral.

The mitral valve, I guess.

It's not a prolapse, is it?

That's the one.

Premature Ventricular Oontractions?

Yeah. I got PVOs.

Oh, you dumb asshole!

What?

It's nothing I

Oh, God. I feel one right now.

I've got it I

What?

M illions of people have it! I've had it my whole life!

Oh, God, you, you too?

Ray it's a benign condition. It's...

Daddy! Daddy! I want Daddy!

It's Mo.

Daddy... Daddy... Daddy...

I'm here! I'm here! What's the matter?

The airplane!

What's the matter? What airplane?

It crashed. The airplane crashed.

What airplane, Mo?

What's the matter? Oome on. Shsh. Oome on.

Jesus, what's the matter with her?

Oh, she's asleep.

What?

She's asleep.

What should I do?

J ust put her back to bed.

Wow.

Jesus, that was a bad dream. The air - plane crashed.

What this on Joey's wrist?

U h, it's, uh...

a pulse index.

Yeah, yeah, that's a pulse index.

Did you buy this for him?

U h, yeah. He asked for it, so...

It's a great little gizmo.

It's a good value... for the money.

You just strap it on the wrist...

M m-hm.

Either one.

Guy said it was shock proof.

Nope, nope, you busted it.

He's an eight-year-old boy, Ray.

Jenny?

Jenny?

How's your valve?

Who is it?

U h, Diana, it's me. Ray.

Raymond Macklin.

I work with you at Bon-Aire.

I'm your boss.

This is serious?

Do you want me to go away?

J ust give me the word, I'll go away,

Shit.

Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah

Only the lonely

Only The lonely

Dum dum dum, Dummy doo wah

Know the way I feel tonight

Ooh yay, yay, Yay, yeah

Only the lonely

Dum dum dum, Dummy doo wah

Know this feeling Ain't right

Dum dum dum, Dummy doo wah

There goes my baby

There goes my heart

They're gone forever

So far apart

Hey.

Hey!

But only the lonely

You're gonna die, pal.

Say what?

You're gonna die. Believe me, I know,

it's gonna kill ya.

Well, who's gonna kill me?

Only the lonely

Some people have good health and they just abuse it.

Buddy. Buddy, don't go down there.

H i. Ray Macklin. Bon Aire I nternational Airlines.

I'm just trying to save your life here.

Salt. It's killer salt.

You shouldn't have hit him like that, Joe.

Ah, screw it.

Hey, how you doing, sweetheart?

Hey.

What?

What are you doing here, huh?

Hey, why don't Italians have barbecues, eh?

What?

Asshole!

What? What'd you say?

Get out of here.

No! Stop that guy!

Oome back!

Wait! Stop!

Wait a minute.

Fucking hell, man. Are you nuts?

Oh, my God, M r. Macklin.

Oh!

Ohh!

Quick! Oall an ambulance!

Oh, my God, he's dead. He's dead.

Oh, M r. Macklin.

Oh, what have they done to you?

Oh, Ray, oh!

You're alive!

Oh Raymond... Ray Oh Ray... Ray...

oh you're alive! Oh look at your face...

oh your lovely face...

Oh God, your eye.

Oh, what in heaven...? Poor eye.

Oh, you... you poor...

poor eye.

Oh, God.

Oh, your hair.

What has happened to you?

Oh, your neck,

oh, I love your neck.

I've always loved your neck.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so...

Oh. Oh, your mouth.

I love your mouth.

Oh, your mouth.

M m. M m.

Oh, God! I love you!

I love you! I have always loved you!

Oh, God. I'm so hot and so hungry.

There. Feel it? Feel how wet I am.

Oh, feel it. Oh, God.

It's running down my legs.

Oh I can feel your response.

Oh God what a response.

This should not be happening.

Oh, Barbara.

This is the best!

God, what have you got down there!

Oh I

Ray. Ray. Ray!

Ray!

Oh! Oh!

Harry.

Harry, good morning.

Good morning, Harry.

What the hell's going on here, Ray?

Ray, you're vice president of the company!

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus.

Right, that's it.

You're fired.

That's alright, M r. Lardner. I understand.

Not you. Her!

Why? What for?

Sexual harassment of an employee of the company.

Why her?

Because she's on top!

There's an ambulance on...

Good morning, M r. Lardner.

Get this man cleaned up!

There's a crisis on in Portland!

Ray. Can you hear me, Ray?

You have to go to Portland right away.

Portland? He can't go to Portland

looking like that. He's a mess.

So go find him something.

Ray? Ray.

Flight 27 from Spokane. Crash landing.

What?

No fatalities, Ray. but 23 people injured.

And there's reporters all over the place.

You have to go and stress our safety record, Ray.

Go catch the first plane.

Plane?

Call me as soon as you get there.

He wants me to get on an airplane.

Here.

Where did you get that?

I n the closet. It belonged to Pat Hagen.

Perfect. Get him into it.

M r. Macklin.

We've held one for you in First Olass, M r. Macklin.

Thank you. My God, it's Spencer Gittinger.

That's Spencer Gittinger.

Yes, M r. Gittinger always flies Bon-Aire. He likes the food.

Yeah. I'll sit in the back.

I gotta, I gotta get off.

Pardon?

I have to get off.

Oh, have you forgotten something?

I have to get off this plane.

But we've already left the terminal M r. Macklin.

We've begun to taxi.

It's... it's gonna crash. My daughter had a vision.

This plane is gonna crash!

Please, sit down, M r. Macklin.

There is a bomb on this plane.

What?

There is a bomb on this plane!

A bomb I A bomb I

Get out of the way!

Hello, M r. Lardner.

I gave you everything one man could give another.

And you shit in my hand.

I fucking hate you!

Sorry, Harry, I just couldn't do it.

You're off the team.

You're history, Macklin!

I understand, Harry. U nder the circumstance, I think it's the best move.

I hope they deport you.

Jesus Ohrist!

Ray?

I... I didn't mean it. Ray?

Ray!

Ray. What is it? What is it?

My heart!

Why are you holding your stomach?

Because that's where it hurts, you damn schmuck!

Doctor...

He's gone into surgery, M rs. Macklin.

Surgery? There's nothing wrong with him.

He's got a ruptured appendix.

Suction.

Sponge again - tie it up.

What a mess this is.

Sorry.

Sponge again.

Tie that.

Tie that.

Looks like some - thing fell on his head.

Pick that up, will you?

Suction. Get the suction in here.

The wire, please. Okay.

Alright. Tie that up.

People, we have a problem!

Should I stop?

Yes, please.

We have an arrest.

Oh, shit. Bicarbs, please.

Start O P R.

Dr. Hapgut to Radiology.

Dr. Hapgut to Radiology.

Who is this guy, anyways?

I don't know.

But he sure screwed up my day.

Bill.

Oome on, you bastard.

How's he doing?

Not well.

Fuck it.

Hey.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

You're checking out, pal. Let's get out of here.

I can't get up!

Sure you can!

You son of a bitch, it's good to see you.

This is it.

I knew I was checking out, but nobody believed me.

Oome on, let's get the hell out of here.

These guys are wasting their time.

We're wasting our time.

Hey I

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Why?

He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Hold on.

Hey. Hey, don't hang around! You gotta check out clean.

Jenny?

Come on I

Come on, pal I

Oome on. Oome on!

You're checking out. That's none of your business.

Hey, there are people standing in line.

Priority booking.

Yeah, but why... why are they standing in line?

Come on I

Hey! There's a line here!

M r. Macklin.

M r. D'Amato.

Ohecking in, M r. Macklin?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

He's checking in.

All you have to do is sign here.

What happened, M r. D'Amato?

I died, M r. Macklin.

But why?

I'm an old man M r. Macklin.

What else do you expect?

You think I had a choice?

Thank you.

Oh.

Come on.

You're in number seven.

Your suite, sir.

You have a pot for coffee but, uh,

eh, you've gotta go out for meals.

I'm next door in number eight.

Jeez.

H... H i.

I'm Ray Macklin.

I n Dixie Land Where I was born

Early on one frosty morn

Heaven.

Look away Look away

Look away Dixie Land

Oh, I wish I was in Dixie,

Away Away

They're singing Dixie.

I n Dixie Land I'll take my stand

To live and die in Dixie

Away Away

Away down South in Dixie

Oome on.

Away Away

Away down South in Dixie

What do you do here all day?

I told you. Nothin'. This is Heaven.

Hey, you want a drink? Hey... hey... eh.

I'll have a gin bloody Mary. What do you want, Ray?

Dr. Duffin, it's me, Ray Macklin. You saved my life.

He don't talk. You want a gin bloody Mary? Make that two.

What happened to him?

Nothin'. Something he said.

The blacks don't talk very much here.

He's got sort of a thing about blacks.

Who? You mean God?

No. Howard.

Howard?

H ughes.

Howard H ughes?

The meadows in the blue

Everybody's doing nothing. Look at 'em.

They're all just standin' there.

Nobody has a drink. Have you noticed that? Nobody has a drinkl

Service is slow.

What are you doing?

I'm going swimming.

You can't.

Why not?

Because. One goes in, all want to go in.

Nobody goes in the pool. Nobody. Not ever.

You're crying. What are you crying for?

Pat, you...

I'm crying for you.

I'd rather you laugh.

Hey, hey, hey, you wanna get us talked about?

You're dead.

Why are you being morbid?

Hey, listen. A joke.

Why don't Italians have barbecues?

You... you... you died.

Why don't Italians have barbecues?

Because the spaghetti falls through the grill.

Why don't Italians have barbecues?

Because the spaghetti falls through the grill I

Shh, take it easy, M r. Macklin.

What's going on here? What are you doing here?

The operation was a success. You're just fine.

Well then how come I died?

What?

Oh, Ray. Won't it ever stop?

You're alive and well, M r. Macklin.

I am?

M m-hm.

How long have I been here?

A week.

A week?

You just wouldn't wake up.

Well, in that case...

N urse. N ursel

M r. Macklin.

Ray.

Ah! Shit!

Fuck off!

Go!

Go! Go!

Where's the car?

This way, Dad.

Go! Right there! Go! Go!

I'm trying!

You shouldn't be doing this, Ray.

It's very embarrassing for the doctor.

Goddamn room mates! Howard fucking H ughes! Oome on!

This is very dangerous!

You could get killed doing this kind of thing!

I'm a registered nurse, doctor.

Then behave like one!

Oome on! Oome on! Oome on! How can I make my getaway

if you don't have the goddamn keys?

Let's go!

M r. Macklin!

With this kind of behavior,

they're gonna cancel your insurance!

Well, it's alright

Riding around I n a breeze

It's alright

If you live The life you please

Well, it's alright

Doing the best you can

Well, it's alright

As long as you lend a hand

You can sit around and wait For the phone to ring

Waiting for someone To tell you everything

At the end of the line

Sit around and wonder What tomorrow will bring

At the end of the line

Maybe a diamond ring

Well, it's alright

Even if they say You're wrong

Well, it's alright

Sometimes you Gotta be strong

Well, it's alright

As long as you Got somewhere to lay

Well, it's alright

Every day is judgment day

I don't have to be Ashamed of the car I drive

At the end of the line

I'm just glad to be here Happy to be alive

At the end of the line

And it don't matter If you're by my side

At the end of the line

I'm satisfied

Well, it's alright

Even if you old and gray

Well, it's alright

You still got Something to say

Well, it's alright

Riding around I n a breeze

Well, it's alright

If you live The life you please

Well, it's alright

Even if The sun don't shine

Well, it's alright

I'm going to the end Of the line