Original subtitles

Come on.

Where d'you want this then?

What?

Give over sulking.

I said I was sorry about the boat, man.

All you had to do was put a fucking hole in it.

There.

Yeah, in the blazing sun. It's ten bags of cheddar Dan.

If I want the opinions of a cheese thief, I'll ask for it.

I'm not a fucking cheese thief.

- What's that? - Cheese.

How'd you get it?

I fucking stole it. I get it.

I get what you are doing. Oi, stop laughing!

(WHISPERS) Cheese thief.

It better be proper stinky.

I'm not paying hundred quid for some mild cheddar.

We said 180!

What ya doing?

(TUTS) Look at him.

Rubbing cheese into his gums like Scarface.

(VOICE CHOKED) One thirty?

That cheese just took your breath away.

1...

2... 9?

What does that mean, 1-2-9?

Hundred and twenty-nine. Say hundred and twenty-nine

when you know I am bad with numbers!

Now one fifty or I'm gonna take my van of cheese

and I'm just gonna fuck clean off.

I hope your girlfriend likes cheese toasties.

- Girlfriend? - Love em, actually.

Oi Dan, fucking hang fire.

I don't want to be stuck with a load of cheese.

Hundred and... thirty... five?

- Done. - Fuck!

Ahh! I am fucking sick of this shit.

These are bad jobs. I don't wanna be stealing cheese.

I do have a buyer looking for something very special.

Bees.

(SCREAMING)

I don't do bees.

This buyer is prepared to pay top whack

for some high-quality hives. And...

..he's French.

What's him being French got to do with anything?

Well, they do eat a lot of garden animals don't they?

Snails and frogs and that.

Maybe they eat bees too?

Keep most of them for making honey, but...

..y'know nibble a couple of crunchy ones off the top.

Fuck's going on in your head?

What's in there, just...

..Bovril and sawdust?

- Gonna get 'em me or what? - No.

Scared of bees Vinnie? (SCREAMING)

Fucking hell.

I am not frightened...

..of bees.

Five hundred.

Per hive, all in.

- That's a lot of money isn't it?! - Thereabouts.

I'm stealing these bees

because I can.

- Alright? - Alright.

They don't frighten me at all.

Cool.

Gonna steal the shit out of them bees.

♪ BARRETT STRONG: Money (That's What I Want) ♪

♪ The best things in life are free. ♪

♪ But you can give them to the birds and bees. ♪

♪ I need money. ♪

Ah Vin, thank you.

Forgot I had a meeting with supplier.

Thought I was your supplier. What's going on there?

Proper supplier.

Like lemons and tonic waters and pickled walnuts.

Pickled walnuts aren't a thing, are they?

I know. I told Tommo he could design a house cocktail

- y'know, stop him moaning. - Mm-hm.

Came up with a 'Muddy Knuckle'. (PHONE RINGING)

- Disgusting. - I know.

I'm going to cancel the order. Say it didn't arrive.

He'll have a fucking meltdown.

Are you alright to give Tyler his tea and put him to bed then?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah. He likes Monster Munch doesn't he?

Bit of Frosty Jack's, couple of tinnies.

- Just have a big sesh... - Give over!

- Couple of lines of err... - Stop it!

Here he is... Come here to me you. Give me a snuggle you pig. Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

Right Vin, I'm gonna have to go, OK?

You be good for your Uncle... Dad?

Can't we have tea all together?

- Like a family? - I'm busy darling, I can't...

Right, come on.

- Sausage, beans and chips. - Bye.

See you later. Let's see what they're having for their tea.

What are you having for your tea?

Fucking bees.

They're serious. That's a serious... Everyone's scared of bees.

- Yeah. - Y'know?

I mean enough of 'em, they'll kill you, Chris.

They'll fucking kill... They're not like a moth.

Dusty ass moth. (LAUGHS)

Oi! Oi!

Sorry. I was listening.

- No, you weren't. - Look at this.

Oh fuck! How's she got her fucking legs to do that?

- Magician's assistant. - Ohhh!

Sorry Vin. Go on.

The only reason I'm nicking bees is cos I was showing off

in front of that girl, Sam.

I like her.

I really like her actually. She's lovely.

I just-I'm frightened that if I fall for her,

fucking hell, she could just leave me. Or...

..Erin, I mean what if SHE changes her mind,

she's the love of my life. She'll change her mind...

Are you, fucking,

you're fighting off an erection you are!

- No! - Fucker!

- Well, it's not for you is it? - What a relief(!)

She put in all the hard work. She's earned it.

Dude, stop perving on her.

Sorry.

Get off. (SMASH)

Shit.

Vinnie...

..trusting your heart with somebody is the most...

..terrifying thing you can do.

But if it works out,

even for a bit...

..then it's worth it.

That was really beautiful man.

Yeah, it was, wasn't it...

Yeah, it was good advice.

Oh for God's sake!

Have you made yourself cry with your own words?

Naah...

Come here, I need a hug...

- Oh fuck dude. - It's gone. It's gone.

It's not gone. Dude, it's not gone.

Don't cry in my fucking face...

♪ ROXY MUSIC: Love is the drug ♪

High Class Tentacle porn?

Private exhibition of erotica at a pop up gallery.

So... it's a picture...

..of a woman...

..getting... by an octopus?

- Yeah. - Correct...

Why do you want a photo of a woman doing it with an octopus?

Because, Ashley, it's worth fucking thousands!

- Dylan? - Oh, fuck off.

Dylan, hang on, this is right up your street mate,

- you love calamari. - Do you lot often steal porn?

You know what, it does come up more often than you might expect.

Would she not drown, no? The woman.

No. Fun fact.

Octopuses can survive up to half an hour outside of water.

That's plenty of time to, you know... (WHISTLES)

Right then, so just to confirm, we are all up for nicking the porn?

- Yes? - No. No. Hey, no.

No we're not stealing porn. You've fucking had porn.

- Hang on. Hang on. - I've got a job.

What is it?

Bees.

- Drugs? - Fuck no! Bees. Bees dude.

- The letters? - Yeah, the letters.

We're gonna steal all the letter b's so no one else can use them Ash.

You fucking... lemonhead.

Bees!

B- why can't anyone understand the concept.

- It's a fucking insect. - Bees.

- We're doing it tonight. - Ah no, I've plans!

You have not got plans.

You're playing Assassin's Creed online

with a load of shagging teenagers from Cheetham Hill.

You move bees after the last one has flown into the hive

but before they wind down for the evening.

I hate them.

- But I do respect them. - (Jesus.)

Will you be coming with us?

No. Bees are very dangerous.

For the rest of yer that isn't terrified

of a kamikaze insect that's that fucking big,

you'll meet me out there at 5pm on the shagging dot.

Here. Have them passes.

Give your granny a thrill.

She's allergic to seafood.

So the fuck am I, I don't go banging on about it.

What is it, shit on Tommo night?

So, when am I gonna see this magical woodland hideaway of yours?

Erm...?

I could... come over tonight?

- After your bee heist? - It...

It's not a bee heist...

It's err...

I'd like that.

Yeah. Nine-ish or summat?

Yeah. Can't wait.

Alright. OK.

♪ RAY J: Right Place Wrong Time. ♪

I mean why, why have we driven 20 miles for bees?

Doesn't Jim know somewhere more local than this?

Only cunts keep bees.

No, he didn't.

So, I went online and found this gaff.

It's a cafe, ran by posh twats

who are, like, 237th in line for the fucking throne

- or some shit. - She's not closed up just yet Vin?

Maybe we should come back, so?

No, it'll dark by then, we need to get it done.

You get yourself in there, do some flirting Dyl.

- Just distract her a little bit. - Why me?

Because you are the only vaguely gorgeous one amongst us.

- What do I do, send in Fat Ronaldo? - I'm gorgeous too!

Your hands are massive and they scare girls, dude.

In fairness he is the only one I would pay to see... fucking.

No, I've got a better idea,

let's send in this fucking sociopath instead,

that owns a sex dungeon, d'you know...

- What about Cardi, so? - I am not sending Cardi in...

Why not? Ah, cos he's married.

Yeah, that's why, cos he's fucking married.

You get in there and flirt like your life depends on it.

Unbutton that wartime earthy number and show some pectoral.

Rest of us are gonna steal some bees. Let's do this baby.

I'm afraid the kitchen's closed...

♪ ETTA JAMES: I Just Wanna Make Love To You ♪

Although...

..I'm keeping the till open a little bit longer?

♪ I don't want you... ♪

- I love this song. - Hm.

♪ ..to be no slave. ♪

Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me

something about bees?

I was thinking of getting some.

A... gift for...

- ..your wife or girlfriend? - No.

Because... none of those exist.

I would be delighted.

Lady Beverly Gresham.

Er, Martin.

Martin... Bee... singstoke.

Uh.

Listen, we've gotta be stealthy.

We have got eight hives

we've got four minutes, we need to get moving.

Where's Cardi?

- Where the fuck is he? - Oh my God...

For fuck's sake, what are you doing?

(MUFFLED) I don't wanna get stung.

- D'you hear? - Can't hear a word...

I said...

I don't want to get stung.

Tommo's taped the holes up, you'll be grand.

I've taped up the bee holes. Not for the first time.

- But always with a safe word. - I'm sick of them innuendos, dude.

It's constant. Have you ever taped up anyone's bumhole?

- No. - No, shut up then.

They won't suffocate will they? I don't want to kill any of them.

They're in... denial.

They're fucking in decline.

Go and get an 'ive, yeah? Put it in the van.

A bees brain is the size of a sesame seed.

Wow.

Wow. That's incredible, yeah.

Wow. That's small isn't it?

No. Not small for a bee.

They are incredibly clever. Yeah.

How?

They dance.

I know a lot of dancers.

Not one of them is in Mensa.

♪ SANTANA: Black Magic Woman ♪

The average honeybee

will make

one twelfth

of a teaspoon of honey

before it dies.

A lifetime of endeavour...

..just swallowed.

Oh no...

♪ RODRIGO Y GABRIELA: Diablo Rojo ♪

- What's the matter, Martin? - Err...

Ah, ah, Cramp.

Ah, oh!

Get away.

Vin, I'm not going back over there.

Yes you are you big twat.

Get the fuck in there and go and get the last hive.

There's one fucking left.

- Ahh! - Ooh fuck...

It's so easy to live for bees.

Right, this has been really lovely.

Oh, uh, do you want to stay for a, a, another drink?

Something stronger?

I make a honeycomb martini that will set your soul on fire.

No. I'm good. I'm good.

Erm...

Please, take one of these.

It's got my number on it.

You just give me a "buzz"

if you want to know anything more about bees.

Um...

Never h-uh, honey?

It's Royal jelly.

Bee saliva.

It has a huge range of medicinal benefits,

but I mainly use it as...

(DEEP INHALE)

..an aphrodisiac.

You put a spoon of that in someone's drink

and you can have... anyone you like.

It sounds... it sounds a little bit non... non-consensual.

They always consent.

Eventually.

Yeah, it's be... it's been really lovely.

♪ THE DRIFTERS: Honey Love ♪

♪ I'm gonna get me some ♪

♪ honey love. ♪

♪ Yes, I love it, I love it... ♪

Come on.

Jesus Christ, what's the deal?

You had the easiest job, took the longest.

Fuck me! She was the perfect mix of tedious and terrifying.

Sounds like that bloody porno

you found about the woman and her car tax.

I just like a bit of variety, you know, bedroom wise.

I just thought maybe did Tommo have anything...

..fun, like, lying around, you know?!

What, Cardi too vanilla for you now, is he?

Oh no, no not at all, no.

I just thought about y'know,

cranking it up a gear, like, now that we're legal y'know?

Surely there must be something there in one of them filing cabinets.

Butt plug behind the radiator or something like that?

Ah...

..anal beads!

Oh no...

Don't worry Holy Father, not even I wouldn't take it that far.

Or like one of them Korean wank aids.

Maybe one of them silicone, like, vibrating arseholes

that throbs along to the Bee Gees' music?

I actually did find something but I think it might be too dirty.

- Dirtier the better. - No, I mean like dirty as in...

"matted hair and bits of carpet".

I honestly do not mind if it's a bit grubby like.

Squirt of fairy liquid and that there be game ball like...

Does he not know about the money yet?

No.

Well, have you spoke Vinnie?

Absolutely not.

Well, like, what are you gonna do?

He's not gonna give up is he?

Mr McCann.

Hi, I wasn't ignoring you...

Erm, yeah I know, I know... It's just...

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that?

You know I like to see the books once a week.

I know. I know. It's just because we've been really busy.

I'm working from home today, so erm...

..come over about eight, yeah?!

Yes Mr McCann, yeah.

- Oh, and Erin? - Hm?

Don't you ever dare ignore my calls again.

♪ OS MUTANTES: A Minha Menina ♪

(SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)

(SCREAMS) There's one in my helmet,

get it off, get it off.

I can't grab your helmet if you don't stop thrashing about.

Now that, I have said before.

It's in my ear.

It wants my brain.

It's gonna be fucking disappointed if it gets there love.

It's got me in the fucking eye, dude.

Have you nicked a fucking jar of honey off that-you...

I haven't nicked it. She gave it to me.

It's not honey. It's royal... Royal jelly.

It's just a middle-class honey is all that is...

No. No. No. Royal Jelly is a secretion.

Why's she given you a jar of bee spunk for?

It's bee spit Cardi.

Oh fuck, there's a distinctive tang off that.

- Spunk, spit: all does the same job. - Oh...

Tell you what, I'll have a bit of that.

Go on Tommo. Oh!

Full finger of it. (LAUGHS)

No, no, no. No, no.

I have tried spunk in my time.

And that my friend, that is not spunk.

- Go on! - Go on, 'ave a bit.

Get a bit of spunk down ya!

Real men try a bit of spunk from time to time.

Go on, go on. (ALL LAUGHING)

And again. And again. Go on.

Ahhh!

Fuck!

- Alright? - Alright, you alright?

I just drilled me fucking head into...

(BUZZING)

Oh fuck.

Bees!

(ALL SHOUTING)

Fuck.

Ah...

Ooh!

Ooh, fucking hell.

What?

Swollen...

Oh fucking hell...

- What are we going to do now? - Shit... let me have a look.

- What ya doing? - Just gon' have a look.

- Keep it fucking closed. - Oh fuck...

Fucking fuck. Shitty bees!

Is there anything that... calms them down?

Like... jazz or...

Fucking Jazz? Who the fuck... Nobody listens to Jazz.

- I listen to jazz. - He loves it.

Oh du-do break out your fucking saxophone,

won't yer, you dickheads...

♪ THE METERS: Cissy Strut ♪

Smoke.

Right empty your bloody pockets, weed, hash,

whatever the fuck you've got.

Ay, oi. What d'you do, rob a pick 'n' mix?

They're your keys you dickhead!

We need them.

- Ketamine? - No.

It's a tranquilizer, int it.

Yeah it is a tranquilizer for fucking horses, Tom.

Not just horses Vincent. Also...

- ..camels and that. - You've fucking made that up.

- Give me your cigs. - No. No. No. No. Vincent.

I'll fucking mess your hair up. Give me your fucking cigs...

No. No. No. No. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Come on.

We're gonna need some blowing. Go on Ash.

We're on, we're on! Dyl, get the door.

3, 2, 1, go...

Right, we still can't get back in the van.

- How're we supposed to get back home? - JJ.

(PHONE RINGING)

Vin, I'm a bit busy, alright?

You couldn't give us a lift could ya love?

- How fucked is my van? - N-no, don't panic, just...

I think it's a tow situation to be honest with yer.

- What have you done to her? - I fucked it into a post.

It's a superficial prang.

It fucking adds character, if anything.

- Come and get us dude. - Now?

No, no, no. Just keep your feet up and relax you fucking lemon.

Where do you think I am? I'm in the fucking quagmire,

- my trainers are just fucked. - Where are you?

Err, I dunno, there's fields and a fucking great big road. Dyl?

JJ, mate, I'm gonna drop you a pin.

We're all gonna need to fit so bring something roomy.

Wait? What? How longs he gonna be?

- Fuck knows... An hour? - Shit.

Well, there's no point waiting for him here is there?

I noticed a nice country pub maybe half a mile back.

And I myself am partial to a pint of cider

and some Wasabi peas.

We just robbed the local cafe of a load of rare fucking bees

and you want to go to the fucking local boozer, get pissed up?

It's not the 1970s.

Not everyone in the countryside knows everyone else anymore.

It's all tourists and second homeowners round here anyway.

Yeah. It's fucking freezing.

Cardi?

I'll have a pint.

Cardi, get out of that fucking diving suit will ya.

What d'you reckon then?

Farmers or wankers?

Definitely wankers.

Y'alright fellas.

(JUKEBOX BUTTONS BEEPING)

♪ CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Bad Moon Rising ♪

(QUIETLY) They don't look much like

- second homeowners to me. - No.

Get the drinks in, Dyl.

- ♪ I see trouble on the way. ♪ - Evening fellas.

Lovely pub you've got here.

How's it going? Five pints of lager...

..and can I get a look of complete disdain as well please.

We only do mead.

Mead?

Nectar of the Gods.

Yeah, love-yeah, lovely.

Five-five meads then, please.

Queen's Finger, Worker's Toil or Honeyhive?

Give him the finger, everyone else does.

Yeah. No. Y'know it's good because it makes your thing go green.

What the fuck is that?

It's mead. It's all they had.

Looks like tramp piss.

Woah... I don't mind that.

- Oooh! - That's... hm.

What kind of a pub only sells mead?

Well, I mean err... this kind of pub?

It's a fucking 18th century monk's drink innit?!

- Yeah, what's your point? - My point is...

(LOW VOICE) ..normal people

don't fucking drink mead do they! And normal pubs don't sell it.

Tourists drink all kinds of shit won't they?

(WHISPERED) This ain't a tourist pub dude!

- Glover. - Vinnie.

Enjoying your mead then lads?

- Yeah it's delicious. - Fucking nice yeah.

- It's different. - Interesting ain't it?

It's a beautiful drink.

Better than milk.

Ay, lads? (LOCALS CHEER)

Bees...

..are much better than cows.

Which do you prefer?

Bees or cows?

I love bees. Just love 'em.

What about you lad?

Er, bees.

Bees Sir. Bees yeah.

- Err, bees, bees all day long int'it. - All of us.

Well, I like both?

(MUMBLES) Fucking hell.

Both?

Ash!

(LAUGHING)

So...

..what brings you lads in here this evening then eh?

Ou-we-our van broke down.

Oh, right.

Well if you need to call the AA there's a payphone on bar.

- Thanks man. - Thanks.

They tried to put a mast up round here, once.

Never tried again.

You need some ice on that lad!

He's alright.

Err, yeah.

Thank you though, sweet of you. You're fine aren't you, our lad?

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Hey(!)

Oh, he's...

Shit! Fuck! What the fuck was that?

- I thought it was alright. - Shut the fuck up!

Listen to me. Listen to me...

- Have you noticed? - Why what's wrong?

- Am I the only fucking one... Bees! - What?

There's fucking bees everywhere.

Bees, this and that, y'know.

It's making me uncomfortable,

given the nature of what we've got in the back of the van.

Drink the tramp piss

and let's get the fuck out of here.

Your eye is upsetting these locals, do you know that?

Yeah?

- Don't be sick. - It's disgusting.

It's Lady Gresham.

Bees are gone.

They've been stolen.

Shit.

(SHOUTING) Not a-fucking-gain!

I thought you'd chained hives down?

I did chain hives down.

Twice.

But you know what they're like.

They'll nick anything.

(SHOUTS) Anything.

The lead from your roof.

The water from your taps.

- Wait there. - Yeah.

One little shite

stole the compost out me bin.

And now those bloody bees.

(SHOUTING) Again.

Well, I'm not fucking having it.

Not this time.

You.

Look at you.

If anyone in this pub...

..looks like a fucking thief...

..it's him.

(WHISTLES)

Don't be shy.

What happened to your eye, lad?

Cardi...

B-

- Bee sting. - Oh, ho-ho!

Alright. Alright Hang on.

Now just...

(ALL TALKING)

Chill out a minute. Just hang fire.

Look... alright. Fucking hell, we did.

We stole the bees.

I didn't know it meant this much to yers.

- I am really sorry. - Shall I call police?

Fuck off!

Only thing worse than a thief

is a fucking copper.

Agreed.

Well then,

what?

Put 'em in cellar?

We're not fucking going in the cellar.

(SHOUTS) Get in... the fucking... cellar.

Oh scary bee man with his shite blunderbuss.

It's a fucking ornamental thing, that...

- Fucking hell! - Where's the fucking cellar?

What's it like in cellar?

Not nice!

Alright you...

What's that?

My penis. Cos your fucking hands are down there.

Keys.

Well just say keys then.

Fucking Nosferatu.

Get out of it.

You'll find your bees in a van up the way.

You better fucking hope I do, lad.

(BOLTS LOCKING)

Fuck.

Oh, fucking hell.

Come on you rusty bastard.

Not a single bar.

Christ.

Fuckers've been gone ages haven't they?!

Latch won't budge lads.

- There's no chance. - Shit.

Don't worry boys.

I've got a plan.

(SHOUTS)

Oh, nice one Tommo...

- Meant to be seeing Sam tonight. - Are ya?

- Yeah. - Oh, for... sexy time?

Yeah.

Sex is like...

..playing the violin, innit?

I don't know what I'm doing.

(SIGHS) What do you think they'll do to us?

I reckon they'll let us go when they get their bees back.

Yeah. I hope-

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fucking hell!

What is it?

- Is that... - Ooh fuck me!

No that's a... Fuck me, that's a dog. Dog. A dog.

Yeah. That's a Labrador. 100 percent. Dog.

Is it?

Dog yeah.

How do you think it died?

Maybe Carl Slater bummed it to death?

Shit!

Thank you for finding them.

My little babies.

I know how much those bees mean to you.

Stupid bastards,

coming into our pub,

after doing this.

Where are my bees?

Eh?

(SCREAMS)

There you go.

You be careful with him, love.

It's fine. I'm his business partner.

Urgh, it's so hot down here, dude?

(SIGHS) anybody else feeling dead hot?

It's like...

..you just can't breathe, it's all muggy.

We're not gonna die down here, are we?

Alright, just sit down for a minute, your eye's probably...

- Is it bad? - Yeah, it's pretty bad.

- Dyl. Dyl. - Yeah?

Go and see if there is any mead in one of them bloody barrels.

Might take the edge off. Why bother eh?

Might as well just leave us to rot with the other fucking detritus.

That's all we are, innit?

Human debris in the wheelie bin of existence.

Nothing's loose, it's all solid, sure.

The only way out is the hatch, or the front door.

I can't fucking do it.

(SOBBING) I can't fucking do it anymore.

I'm a husk.

I'm a shell.

I'm a fucking broken man.

Come on God.

Hey? You big dickhead.

Strike me down.

Fucking finish me off. Put me out of my misery. Cos...

..I have had e-fucking-nough...

- Try that hatch again? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, do that.

It's fucked.

The numbers are off.

Yeah. I was expecting the takings to be a lot higher than this.

About thirty thousand pounds higher.

OK, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)

My fucking brother, my...

My brother, he...

.. "borrowed" money from the safe

and I tried to get it back off him, I swear, I went after him.

How much?

All of it.

I know this is my fault and I promise, I will pay you back.

Every single penny.

I've actually come up with a repayment plan.

Think of it like a... business loan. (CLEARS THROAT)

Here is a project turnover growth

and this is the amount that you'll be getting

every single month from my share of the profits.

I know it's gonna take a while Mr McCann,

but I promise you, you are gonna have

one of the best clubs in the North West when I'm finished.

No.

No? No.

The money gets paid back, in full, by the end of the month.

But it's thirty grand.

We can't raise that sort of cash.

There are...

..other repayment options available.

(SIGHS)

I'll come up with the money.

Make sure you do.

I was driving past your lad's school the other day.

You've got to be so careful outside schools.

Take your eye off the road for one second and...

..well.

Those sort of accidents don't bear thinking about do they?

In full.

By the end of the month.

Oh shit!

Where are the fucking bees?

They're in the hives in the back of the van.

We found hives...

..no fucking bees.

Ooh, Lady Biverley- Be-Ber-err, Beverley

I just want to apologise, I can see you're really upset.

Shouldn't 'a stole them damn bees.

And I didn't know they meant as much as they did to you.

So, you tell us how much they cost and we'll, fucking, sort it.

I don't want your money.

That's a good job cos we ain't got none.

Bees are very special.

They are life.

Without them, the entire ecosystem fails

and everything on Earth would die.

Then it's a good job we...

..set them free y'know!

Back to nature and all that craic.

- Hey, Lady Beverly... - Martin!

Ay! Ay! Oh! Don't you hit my friends you dickhead.

- Ooh! - Hang on a minute...

Alright, fair enough.

So, what now, Lady Gresham, ma'am.

Let me think about that.

Oh!

Oi. Hey.

That wasn't-that wasn't a fucking Labrador was it?

- That were a bloke. - Fucking hell!

I fucking said it didn't I? I said not to come to this pub.

And now we are all fucking locked in a cellar because you Dyldo

- were a little bit chilly. - No! This is not my fault.

- Pub was Tommo's idea. - Oh don't try blaming me sweetheart.

I were the one who suggested robbing a painting of a woman

getting dicked down by an octopus if you recall.

She is going to kill us.

Oh! Stop drinking fucking mead.

You're smashed out of your head now.

No one kills anyone over fucking bees.

(SIGHS)

Prang, my arsehole!

(LAUGHS) I don't feel quite ready for that!

What the fuck has happened here?

Right. You lot. Against that wall.

Me and me sister

have had a chat.

- Sister? - Yeah. Sister.

She married up.

Not that it worked out for her.

Me...

..and those bloody bees...

..are all she's got left.

Bev wanted me to... Well...

..her plan were a bit extreme for my tastes.

You know what a woman's like when she's a bee in her bonnet.

However,

I do think

she does deserve some form of compensation.

Fair enough. So, I think it's only fitting...

..if one of you lot

offers up a finger.

See Dylan. You've only got to finger her.

I'll cut it off quick and clean, I promise.

You'll barely feel it.

♪ THE ANIMALS: The House of the Rising Sun ♪

This lad... (LAUGHS)

Are you winding us up with the finger? Cos I...

He's trying to scare the shit- and it worked an'all... You are...

..fucking terrifying us. Behave yourself.

You're joking, aren't yer.

- No. - Shit.

I actually think I'm being quite reasonable

- given the circumstances. - Fuck off is it reasonable?

You stole, and presumably...

..killed, her bees.

I can't just let you walk out of here scot free

like you're Elton fucking John or something.

What are you fucking on about?

Are we in a parallel fucking universe?

Where you can ask young men

to willingly give up their fucking digits.

Think about it dude. It's fucking nuts.

It's like the scene in fucking Robin Hood.

Kev Costner and the start of... the film.

Cuts his fucking hand off. Come on man.

- Maybe you're right. - Good.

(SIGHS)

Some toes?

No, not toes.

- What's he gonna do with toes? - Toes is worse.

It is not a negotiation.

Look. You lot aren't leaving here

unless someone gets something chopped.

I'll give you ten minutes.

That's fucking good of him.

I think we all know who it should be.

(ALL SAY DIFFERENT NAME)

- What do you mean Vinnie? - You fucking gobshite.

(ALL ARGUING)

Stop! Fucking shush!

They'll hear us.

Alright. Just...

It should be, it should be me.

Motherfuckers.

You're fucking straight in with your...

Of course, it should be you.

Of course, it should be you, you... it was your all your idea,

this whole thing, stealing the bees.

Hang on...

..Cardi.

Hey?

All I am saying is I know people who have woken up

missing more than just a finger.

Huh?

Desperate times...

Fuck me. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ.

- We shouldn't be considering it. - You can't be...

He's a fucking sweet lamb. He's a star child.

How the fuck is he gonna make sandwiches

with a fucking missing finger?

(BANGING AND SCRAPING)

- JJ! - I thought I could hear you lot.

What are you doing in the cellar?

♪ FONTAINES D.C.: Boys In The Better Land ♪

Hiyah.

Dyldo, come and grab Cardi.

Alright guys...

Oh, fuck. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Right lads, I have done this before.

And the important thing...

..is to just relax in...

Little cunts.

(CARDI MOANING AND GROANING)

♪ You're not alive until you start kicking. ♪

♪ When the room is spinning and the words ain't sticking. ♪

His elbow's in my crotch!

Fuck me!

Get out of the fucking van!

Ahh look, is this a thing?

BOTH: Yeah.

This is lovely...

Oh shit.

You little fucker!

(SCREAMS) Oh my God!

Oh my God!

What the fuck?!

Told you bees were fucking dangerous.

♪ SOUL SURVIVORS: Mama Soul ♪

(PHONE ALERT)

Yeah alright, Mr Popular.

It's a fucking nightmare. Half of these are from Chinese Dan

wondering where the fuck his bees are.

Talk to him tomorrow

It's not too late to go see her, you know.

Sorry! I'm sorry I'm late.

Is it rude that I started without you?

Just get in there, it's freezing!

I just wanted to check that the engine was running OK. But...

..it seems fine though.

So, what did happen to all them bees?

Don't know and... I don't care.

♪ ERYKAH BADU: On And On ♪

♪ Oh my, my, my. ♪

(BUZZING)

♪ I'm feeling high. ♪

♪ My money's gone ♪

♪ I'm all alone. ♪

D'you really think he would've cut your finger off?

Yeah I do! Yeah. He was a very frightening man.

That's a pretty good excuse for being so late.

- Are you warm enough? - Yeah. I'm fine. Feel.

Look at them tiny hands, look at them guys.

Jesus, you're like a borrower.

Oh, what the fuck is that?

(CHUCKLES) I nearly forgot about him, one sec.

I need to feed him actually...

Do you wanna see him?

♪ SMOKEY ROBINSON AND THE MIRACLES: You Really Got A Hold On Me ♪

- Is it real? - Have a touch.

He's lovely y'know.

When I found him, he was really weak.

But if give them a chance...

..they do come to yer. They'll surprise yer.

Little fatty.

You sure you're warm enough.

- Yeah, I'm fine. - It is cold, innit it?

♪ You've really got a hold on me. ♪

♪ Really got a hold on me. ♪

♪ You've really got a hold on me. ♪

♪ Really got a hold- ♪

Vin!

Shit.

I need to speak to you. It's really important.

It's fine, I need to use the bathroom anyway.

Oh, erm...

Vinnie?

I'm coming, hun.

- In you come. - Vin...

- What's going on? - It's McCann.

I've really fucked up.

What the fuck do you mean McCann? What're you talking about?

Right, I didn't get the money from the bank for the Rat and Cutter.

Oh my God.

Listen. Listen.

Right, he gave me a big float to put through the books.

That's fucking money laundering, innit?

I know and it was in the safe that Ronnie and Keithy stole.

How much?

How much Erin?

Thirty thousand.

And he wants it back by the end of the month.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's OK.

Sorry I... I di-I didn't realise you had company.

- OK, I'll call you tomorrow? - OK. I'm sorry Sam...

Don't worry.

Erm, yeah. Tyler, he erm...

Right, he wouldn't do anything to Tyler would he? He wouldn't.

- It was j... it was a threat. - What did he say about Tyler?

He knows what school he goes to.

And he was saying something about kids having accidents...

Something...

I'm just really worried.

Nothing's happening to that boy, can you hear me?

(MUFFLED) I'm so scared.

Don't be scared.

Nothing's gonna happen to that boy.

I'm gonna fix it.

You're done.

What're you doing here?

I need to talk to you man. Alone.

I think we've got a problem.

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