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Buckle down, Winsocki Buckle down

You can win, Winsocki If you knuckle down

If you break their necks If you make them wrecks

You can break the hex so buckle down

Make 'em yell, Winsocki Make 'em yell

You can win, Winsocki If you ring the bell

If you don't give in Take it on the chin

You are bound to win If you will only buckle down

If you fight, you'll chuckle at defeat

If you fight, your luck will not retreat

We repeat, buckle down, Winsocki Buckle down

You can win, Winsocki If you knuckle down

If you mow them down If you go to town

You can wear the crown If you will only buckle down

Hey, Jack.

Take it away!

- Hey, Jack, let's have the hammer. - I'm leaving now.

- Nice going, boys. - That's right, you guys.

Keep polishing that floor. I want to see my face in there.

- Okay, but you won't like it. - What?

I mean, you won't like the floor if it's slippery.

That's fine. That's fine.

Do you mean to say you haven't made your share of the beds up yet,

or mopped that floor?

What is this, mister, a barn dance or a senior prom?

Mister, haven't you got any school spirit?

I hate school spirit.

I hate dances. I hate girls.

I wish they'd draft me.

Hey, Hunk, Dutch, I've been looking all over for you.

- The bus is coming up the road. - Hey, Johnnie, get the band.

Come on, fellows. The quail's here.

- Gee, you look swell - Gee, you look swell

- Double talk - Double talk

- Needles - Pins

Triplets, twins

When a man marries his trouble begins

When a man dies his trouble ends

Let's touch thumbs and see who wins

Wish I may, wish I might

Get the wishes I'm wishing tonight

A young cadet, blonde or brunette

A Romeo in search of Juliet

Wish I might, wish I may

Get the wishes I'm wishing today

A lot of boys, a lot of noise

And an awful lot of poise

I want a date who'll stay out late

A brother rat who'd leave me flat won't rate

Plus an orchid from New York

A wrap of taffeta will be round me

Scads of lads will hound me

And they will cheer

For the belle of the brawl of the year

So hold me close and hug me tight

'Cause that's the wish I wish I may I might

Wish I had an old jalop job

Just a little olden top job

Wish I had myself a C card

That would suit me to a T, pard

- I could take my drag a-driving - I could take my drag a-driving

And I would get the wish I wish tonight

I wish I may

- Wish he'd send a dozen roses - I wish I might

- Wish I had the proper clotheses - I wish I may

- Wish I had a slinky hairdo - I wish I might

- Wish my evening dress was bare to... - I wish I may

I would knock their little eyes out

If I could get the wish I wish tonight

Wish we didn't have a chaperone

Wish we had a chance to be all alone

We could slip away and tell jokes and drink cokes

But we're afraid the prof would never condone it

So we wish we may We wish we might

- Wish I may - Just to see the latest dancing craze

- Wish I might - Makes me wish for my romancing days

- Wish I may - Seeing babies in the wild wood now

- Wish I might - Makes me wish for second childhood now

- So just say needles - Needles

- Pins - Pins

- Triplets - Triplets

- Twins - Twins

- Give a yell - Give a yell

- Give a cheer - Give a cheer

For the belle of the brawl of the year

- So hold me close - And hug me tight

'Cause that's the wish I wish I may

I might

Well, it's been grand.

- Say, miss. - Oh, it's a talkie.

Were you looking for someone?

I'm just a blind date who's awful lonesome.

So, if there's a guy named Green on the premises,

I'd like to have him step up and take the rap.

- Greenie. - Greenie!

What's the matter? Here I come. What's the matter? What do you want?

Oh.

Well, when I look in the mirror in the morning and see what I see,

I should squawk. Cheer up, Chubby.

I'm a good kid at heart.

And these two days will pass like a year.

Well, well, well, here we are, aren't we?

Well, welcome to the stately and friendly halls of Winsocki.

Welcome. Miss Talbert, it's always a pleasure.

How do you do, Major Reeber?

On behalf of Winsocki...

On behalf of Hunter Hall...

I will now play the eight ball in the corner pocket.

As usual, you young ladies will find your accommodations in the library.

Miss Talbert, of Hunter Hall, will be in charge of all our fair guests.

Come along, girls. Shall we freshen up?

See you later.

- What's Miss Talbert's angle? - Oh, she's the chaperone.

Well, I hope we turn out to be a problem.

- Hiya, Bud. - Hiya, Bud.

Where were you? The gingham just landed.

What's the matter, got the quivers?

Fellows, you're looking at the shell of a man.

What's gnawing at you, Bud?

Boy, when I die, I hope I come back as high tide.

Hey.

- It's autographed. "To Bud." - Hey, how'd you rate that?

"Dear Bud Hooper, I am counting the minutes

"until I will be your senior prom girl.

"I have always been one of Winsocki's fans,

"and the prospects of a visit have me very excited."

"Thank you for your handsome picture. Your face has a lot of strength.

"Your invitation makes me the envy of every girl in Hollywood.

"Your senior prom girl, Lucille Ball."

You mean to tell me Lucille Ball is coming here to the dance tonight?

I don't know. She says she is.

- Well, aren't you excited? - Sure, I am.

Well, stop jumping up and down.

Well, it's a different kind of excitement, sort of depressing.

What'd you ever tell her to make her fall like that?

Nothing. It was a very informal letter.

What about your girl, Helen Whatcha-ma-call-her?

She's not coming.

When I get this, I wrote Helen I had the grippe

and expected to have it till after the dance.

A very shrewd maneuver.

Oh, gee, fellows, I'm worried. I haven't slept all day.

Wait. You turned Helen's name in to the faculty, didn't you?

- Yeah. - Then what're you stewing about?

Your girl isn't coming, so Lucille Ball goes to the dance as Helen Schlessenger.

You don't think Miss Ball will mind, do you?

Just explain it to her.

Tell her that her name had to be turned in to the faculty

two weeks ahead of time, so they could check on it.

- She'll understand. - Oh, I hope so.

What'll she care, as long as she's with you.

And no matter what happens, we'll be right there.

Yeah, you can count on us.

Gee, it's great to have a couple of pals when you need them.

Listen, we'll keep Lucille Ball just for the three of us, huh?

Yeah, but what about your own dates?

They'll understand. And besides, we won't tell them.

Candies, fruits and magazines. Candies, fruits and magazines.

This is a fine train you got me on.

It's not bad for a train without tracks.

I never thought a month ago, I'd be on this covered wagon

going to a humpty-dumpty military academy,

just because a kid wrote me a mash note.

Your idea of publicity.

Publicity, my character in search of a contract,

is the one thing that'll help you crawl back from the end of the limb.

I don't mean just a squib about your dog having kittens,

or having been seen in a nightclub with a meatball king,

but a story that'll get you on the front page, and this is it.

Schoolboy invites screen star to senior prom.

The lion and the mouse. It's a great angle. McCoy publicity.

- You'll make all the papers. - I'd better, or you'll be selling them.

And it doesn't smell like publicity.

Look, Bud Hooper, the American boy at Winsocki.

Not Yale, Harvard or Princeton, but Winsocki.

A tiny seat of learning, right in the palm of your lovely hand.

Now, the boy is real, the school is real,

and who knows your option wasn't picked up?

Oh, no one except the whole studio.

They let you go because they think the bathing suit girl is pass�.

Well, maybe the sarong has been more effective,

and the sweater more...

Well, we'll show them.

We'll show them that the American boy

is still interested in that little fragment of cloth

you laughingly refer to as your bathing suit.

- That's it. - Winsocki junction.

Now remember, when that band starts playing,

and that crowd starts shoving, take it big.

You're the wonder girl from the never-never land.

Winsocki junction.

An hour and 35 minutes late. We're ahead of schedule.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Hope you enjoyed the trip. - Thanks. It was better than going by train.

Well, I don't mind the band playing,

but if this crowd doesn't stop shoving, I'll scream.

My public. Come on.

Hello, Bud Hooper, please. Bud Hooper. What?

All right, connect me with the dormitory.

What are you so nervous about?

Oh, it takes them all year.

Hello, Bud Hooper? Tell him Lucille Ball is calling.

- Lucille Ball. - Lucille Ball, huh?

I'd be very happy to call him, Miss Ball, but at the moment he's in conference

with Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill.

Oh, Jack, we shouldn't have come here.

- Now, wait a minute. - How do I know there is a Bud Hooper?

There's got to be. He sent you his picture, didn't he?

Pictures are cheap. Maybe this is a rib, a dare.

Schoolboys are crazy, you know. They go around swallowing goldfish.

- Oh, Jack, let's get out of here. - Oh, take it easy. Take it easy.

My advice, Lucille...

Yeah? Mr. Hooper?

Yeah, glad to see you. I mean, glad to hear from you.

Oh, she's dying to see you.

Right. He's on his way. He's on his way.

I can see it all now.

Midnight. The cameras click

while Prince Charming drinks punch from Cinderella's slipper.

It's a good trick if he does it. I'm wearing open-toed shoes.

Well?

She's dying to see me.

Well, come on. We can't keep her waiting.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

I wish Lucille Ball were Helen Schlessenger.

Forgive me, Helen. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'll say you don't.

Listen, Helen Schlessenger loves you, doesn't she?

- Sure, doesn't she? - She adores me.

I'm quoting her verbatim.

Then she certainly would want you to have this one chance to live.

But she doesn't want me to live. She likes me the way I am.

Besides, she'll never know.

Yeah, but what'll Major Reeber do if I get caught?

Well, Reeber never goes to the movies.

He couldn't tell Lucille Ball from Helen Schlessenger.

Yeah, but I could.

He'll fix it so I don't make West Point.

Listen, I'll give you my personal guarantee, it'll be the three of us at West Point.

Yeah, but tonight, it's three men on a date.

Three men, three mates on a date

We're men whose dates got the gate

We're wearing our hearts on our sleeve

For California 's Lady Eve

Three men, three mates in a room

- We're men - Whose dates met their doom

We're casting our line for a fish

For California 's favorite dish

We can leave our studies in the hall

For tonight we're buddies of the ball

Should we leave our flowers on the wall?

If we do we'll be buddies to 'em all

Three men, three mates on a tear

We're men whose dates got the air

For one of California 's greats

We're three men on a date

Three men, three baits off the hook

We're men whose dates mustn't look

We're playing the game just for fun

For California 's honey-bun

Quiet.

You can leave the key in your sedan

For tonight we have a better plan

For tonight we're super supermen

Three men, three pills on the march

We're men whose frills lost their starch

For one of California 's great

We're three men on a date

I go in here, don't I?

- Are you a guest of one of the cadets? - Yes.

- The name, please. - Helen Schlessenger.

- No, the cadet's name. - Oh. Bud... Elwood C. Hooper.

- Oh, hello, Greenie. - Oh, hiya, Schlessenger.

Mister, will you please take Miss Schlessenger to the birdcage?

Yes, sir.

I'll tell Mr. Hooper you're here as soon as he gets back.

Thank you. Back?

- Isn't he sick in bed, with the grippe? - There must be some mistake.

He just checked out to pick you up, at the Eagle Hotel.

Oh, he probably left a message for you with the other girls.

How can he pick me up? I'm not at the Eagle Hotel.

Probably a subterfuge, to get off the grounds.

Bud's very clever.

Oh, but he didn't even know I was coming. I wanted to surprise him.

Keep him company while the others were dancing.

Greenie. Greenie, maybe I'd better go home before I find out the truth.

Oh, stop building it up, Schless. I'm sure nothing's wrong.

Besides, if you do get stood up, I'll take you to the dance.

Where's your date?

Oh, probably flying around somewhere on her broomstick.

Greenie. Greenie, don't spare me.

Bud's a pal of mine, but I guess you'll find out anyway, so...

Yes?

He's dating some chick who thinks she's funny.

- Calls herself Lucille Ball. - Lucille Ball.

Some movie-struck child, no doubt.

Where you going?

If Bud Hooper is leading a double life, one of them owes me an explanation.

- What are you going to do? - I don't know yet.

But when I get there... He's got a nerve.

Hello? Who?

Oh, yes. Yes, send them right up, by all means.

Is that my Prince Charming?

It's a reporter from The Bugle. He's on his way up.

- Did you say The Bugle? - The Bugle.

Only the biggest sheet in Philadelphia.

I told you my telegrams would get action.

Now listen, you're here because you love the American boy.

I'll talk. You just raise his blood pressure.

- Howdy. - Come right in. Come right in.

- I'm from The Bugle. - Jack O'Riley's the name.

Chester Short.

Well, you're pretty long for a fellow named Short.

Everybody says that, and it always strikes me funny.

Oh, pardon me.

Miss Ball, I want you to meet a gentleman of the press. Chester Short.

I'm always delighted to meet a gentleman of the press.

In the flesh.

Miss Ball, you look exactly like you do on the screen, only more so.

- Yes, sir. - Thank you, Mr. Short.

I've never read any of your articles,

but I'm sure you write exactly like you talk.

Touch�, Miss B. Touch�.

Well, what brings you down this neck of the woods. Relatives?

Oh, no, I'm attending the commencement exercises.

One of the cadets invited her.

Say, that's front-page stuff.

- Papa'll be delighted. - Papa?

My dad. He owns the newspaper, and he's one of your biggest fans.

Oh, really? Did he see my last picture?

No. The doctor said he wasn't strong enough.

Well, touch�, Chester. Touch�. Wasn't strong enough?

You see, Miss B, Papa's been under the weather.

Yeah, that picture got a lot of people down.

Mr. O'Riley found that story.

- Sit down, Chet. - Thanks.

Miss B, I have written a story.

This can be your greatest triumph.

That's fine, Chet, but how about some pictures?

By all means.

Now we fade in on the scene with the hero,

trotting along the silver sands of a desert island.

Suddenly a wave breaks,

and the beautiful unconscious body of the heroine,

that's you, Miss B,

floats dramatically to his feet.

And here's the big wallop.

For the first time in your screen career, you're not wearing your bathing suit.

- You mean I'm... - No.

- You're dressed in a mackinaw. - Oh.

A mackinaw you stole from the captain of the prison ship.

Now I've got you.

You're wondering how you escaped from that prison ship.

Yes.

Well, when they buried the first mate at sea,

you were in the bag.

"The hero gazes at this gorgeous creature

"that has just been washed up

"from the bottom of the sea.

"He stands there frozen in his tracks."

- He's cold? - No.

"He stands frozen in his tracks with the hot sun beating down on him."

- He melts? - No.

- He didn't melt. - Didn't melt.

- Now, the rest of the play is in retrospect. - Retrospect?

Yeah. From now on, the story moves backwards.

- And so does the audience. - Yeah.

But it all builds up into a beautiful, gorgeous love scene

where the hero takes you in his arms. And he says,

"Oh, my darling, to me you're the quintessence of feminine loveliness.

"I long to gaze down deep into the sapphire seas of your eyes

"and sip from your ruby lips the sweet nectar of the gods."

Have you got an aspirin tablet? This scene always murders me.

- Yes, I've got an aspirin. - I think we should all have an aspirin.

Come in.

- Just leave it under the door, boy. - Oh, I'm not a bellhop. I'm Bud Hooper.

Hooper. Well, come in.

Glad to see you. Glad to see you.

Major, you're the most envied boy in America today.

There she is. Your dream girl.

I'm so glad to be here, Mr. Hooper.

This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me.

Tell me, Mr. Hooper, haven't you ever been to the Coast?

- Well, just the Atlantic coast. - Oh.

Is it true that everybody in California sleeps under two blankets?

No. How could all those people get under two blankets?

- Chet, old boy, how about some pictures? - Yes, sir.

"School kid's dream comes true."

"Screen lovely goes 3,000 miles for date."

- Get it. - All right.

Give me lots of personality.

Come on, Major. Smile.

No, no, I don't want you to get hysterical.

Come on, Major. Come on, smile. That's it.

Open up. That's it. Let's see the china closet.

- Hold it like that. - Swell.

Move closer, please.

Come on, Major. That isn't close.

Even Jack Benny and Fred Allen stand closer than that.

Well, you're not afraid of me, are you, Mr. Hooper?

Is this better?

- Fine, fine. - Fine.

It's fine, except you're standing on my foot.

Oh, I'm sorry.

All ready now. One, two, three.

Four, five, six, seven, eight.

- Come on. Get it before he graduates. - Nine, ten.

- Yay, Winsocki. - Yay, Winsocki.

- I got it! - Yeah. You got the back of his neck.

We decided to come up in case you needed us.

Oh, Miss Ball, may I present my roommates.

This is Dutch Miller and Hunk Hoyt.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

- Where you going, Chet? - I'm all out of bulbs.

You mean you only brought one bulb?

Oh, I've got some over at the office.

You're not going to Philadelphia!

No, the office is right across the street. Didn't you see it?

The Winsocki Bugle. "Every Monday, rain or shine."

Winsocki Bugle.

Mr. O'Riley, if you had your life to live over again,

don't do it.

- Go ahead. - Go on.

- Miss Ball? - Yes.

I have to say something.

Oh, you mean when you introduce me? Well, don't let that worry you.

No. I mean it's something you've got to know.

- Well, what is it, son? - Well, it's about the dance.

Well, what about the dance?

Well, would you mind going as Helen Schlessenger?

- Who? - Helen Schlessenger.

Oh, it's a masquerade, I guess.

- Well, who was she? - Helen Schlessenger?

Why, she was the girl who foxed the British in 1776.

- Oh, of course. - Yes. I think Norma Shearer played her.

Well, maybe she did, but there's another one now.

You see, Helen Schlessenger's my girl.

When I wrote you, I had no idea you were going to accept.

- Well, isn't the dance tonight? - Yes.

- Well, what's the trouble? - Well, there isn't any.

But you'll have to come as Helen Schlessenger

because that's the name I turned in.

The name you turned in where?

Well, to the faculty, so they could look you up.

Your record, to see if you have a past.

It takes them two weeks. But I've got the whole thing solved.

Well, keep right on solving, Sherlock.

Well, I've already written to Helen

and told her not to come as I have the grippe.

And if you'll come as Helen, everything will be all right

because her name is turned in, and her record is good.

And nobody will ever know that you're Lucille Ball.

Oh, that's fine. That's fine.

Nobody will ever know that I'm Lucille Ball.

- Especially without the bathing suit. - You keep quiet.

Why do you think I came all the way from California,

just to play a character part?

Well, it'll work out fine as long as the faculty doesn't...

- You cad. - Who's that?

- The faculty, no doubt. - Helen, what are you doing here?

Oh, nothing. I was just invited down, that's all.

Several weeks ago, as a matter of fact.

So when I heard you came down here to get me...

Listen, you've got to go away.

To think I believed in you. To think I...

To think I worried when you had the grippe.

To think I came all the way down here to give you such a wonderful surprise.

To think...

Can't she play that scene somewhere else?

Well, after all, I did ask her. Now maybe I ought to...

Oh, no, you invited her.

Why, you don't think for one solitary moment

that I'd let him take me now, do you?

Good heavens, you must be mad.

- Listen, please. - You... You...

I have resources, too, and I can do things, a lot of things.

He's just taken me for granted. You don't know the real me.

But you'll find out that hell hath no woman like a fury scorned.

She's desperate.

She'll get over it.

Don't push her around, boys. She may be somebody's mother.

Come on, now.

Let's strike this last incident right off the record.

We don't want anything to spoil the evening.

What an evening we're gonna give you.

All the food you can eat. All the coke you can drink.

- All the dancing you can dance. - And all the sitting-out you can sit.

Come on now, Lucille, you've got to go.

It wouldn't be fair to these sweet little maniacs.

Now you're talking. Wait till you hear the band.

Now you're talking. Tommy Dorsey, that's her favorite.

- We have Harry James. - That's her other favorite.

Now, come on, boys. What time does Ball go to bat?

The riot starts at 8:00.

And, if I may coin a phrase, she'll be the belle of the brawl.

Very funny, very funny. She'll be there.

8:00, right on the dot.

I could coin a phrase, only there's a lady present.

Something wrong?

Jack, I appreciate everything you're trying to do for me,

but the whole thing is sour, and nothing you can say will sweeten it,

so let's just forget it, huh?

You want to throw away your only chance?

But I tell you it'll never pay off.

That little girl is ready to drink an iodine cocktail.

And that Hooper kid is miserable.

And I wouldn't trust that Abbott and Costello he's got with him, either.

They got a funny look in their eye. I'm packing.

Now listen, you get in that dance as Helen Smack-in-the-puss,

or whatever it is, and I'll take it from there.

We came here to get you in the papers and we're not leaving until we do.

This is Custer's last stand for you.

Now take it or take it.

My dear, do you think it's ladylike to drop handkerchiefs?

No. That's why I use Kleenex.

If you got any influence with the stag line,

remember, I'm a naturalized citizen.

HS, you really ought to come down for just one dance.

Greenie said he'd dance with you.

Thanks, Gap, but tell Greenie I just despise dancing.

If I were you, I'd certainly give that Mr. Bud Hooper the BO.

BO, that's short for brush-off.

- Hiya, brother. - Hello.

- How's the dance? - I just walked past the stag line.

I came up here to get defrosted.

What's the matter? Are your shoes too small?

No, they're the right size but my feet don't believe it.

Say, why aren't you down at the dance being charming?

I don't feel charming.

I wish there was a bus leaving tonight.

It's the last time I ever come on a blind date.

Better than no date.

- You know why I'm here? - Why?

My old man wanted to do a favor for Greenie's father

on account of some contracting work he's trying to get.

I can tell by the way Greenie looks at me, my old man's headed for bankruptcy.

Gee, how I despise the older generation.

How I despise the younger generation.

I'd hang myself but I got a dentist appointment on Tuesday.

Why don't you go back and take another chance?

Might as well.

Maybe I can get a dance with the chaperone.

How about it? Do you wanna dance?

Well, no harm in trying.

Every time my heart begins to dance

The world steps on my little toes

Every time I take a little chance

I pay right through my little nose

Every time I fly my little kite

It catches on a tree

Every time I throw an anchor out

It pulls me in the sea

Every time I feel a little glow

I always get a little shock

Every time I stick my little chin out

Always get a little knock

And when I aim

my arrows at the sun

They always miss their mark

Leaving just a lonely

lady in the dark

Schless. Schless.

- Hurry up. Quick. - What?

- He's coming. - Who?

- Does it matter who? It's a he. - Bud Hooper.

We met him outside and he asked us where you were.

- And he's on his way over. - We beat him here.

Three can run faster than one.

Well, I'm certainly not interested in anything

concerning that party you mentioned.

- Where's my dress? - Over here.

Oh, please help me, girls.

- Oh, I hope it's not too wrinkled. - No, no.

Hold it carefully. Get my shoes and my bag.

- You get in here. - Come on, help me, Ethel.

- Bring the shoes. - Yeah, I got them.

- Unfasten my dress here on this side. - Here.

I'll get it.

- Would you please... - Madame will see you in just a minute.

- Madame? - Madame.

That's French for madame.

Say, you know, you're what I like, tall men.

You must be well over 4 feet.

Is Helen... I mean, would you please tell madame that I'd like to see her?

Oui, oui, monster.

Go on in. Yeah.

- Helen. - Did you wish to see me?

Gosh, you look beautiful.

Is that all you have to say for yourself?

Well, I came to ask you two things: to do me a favor, and to please trust me.

Well, I trust you.

That really was Lucille Ball, wasn't it?

Yes, but she doesn't mean anything to me. Not the way you do.

Why, you've been my ideal ever since we started school together.

- I want to believe you. - Honest, Helen.

I do believe you.

Well, I've gotta go back now, but I'm glad we're friends again.

So am I. Just wait till I fix my hair. It won't take a minute.

But, Helen, that's what I wanted to ask you.

What?

Well, you see, Miss Ball, she's waiting for me.

She came 3,000 miles just for this. It's something about the newspapers.

And that's what I meant when I wanted you to do me a favor.

I'd just like to know

where you get the money to go out with movie stars, that's all.

If you had enough for the show and a chocolate float, I was lucky.

Well, go ahead, tell me. What's the favor?

For you not to go to the dance.

For me not to go?

Well, you see there's one Helen Schlessenger down there now.

If another one shows up, I'll be in a terrible predicament.

Besides, they won't let you in.

- So I'm not good enough for you. - Helen, you're too good for me.

But I'll make up for this if it takes my whole life.

I don't want your whole life. I don't want anything to do with you.

I thought when you came up here you wanted...

- Oh, I just hate you, that's all. - Helen.

Would you kindly leave the ladies' room, or shall I call the chaperone?

Here they come.

Well, did you get everything all straightened out with Helen Hashslinger?

- Well... - Oh, yes. Everything's fine.

Oh, well, that's good because we're going to have some fun.

You know, I haven't been to a prom since I made my last college picture.

Come on.

I guess this makes you feel young again, huh?

Yes, it does, you dear boy.

Well, come on, kiddies, come along with Grandma.

Elwood C. Hooper and Miss Helen Schlessenger.

Hey, Dutch,

that ain't standard equipment.

- Where did he get her? - Black market.

Well, this is a nice party. I think I'll stay.

- Would you check this for me, please? - With pleasure.

- Oh, check this, Dutch? - It's a privilege.

Bud, check it.

- Oh, Miss Ball? - Yes.

How about a tall order of terpsichore?

- No, thanks, never touch the stuff. - It ain't a drink, it's a dance.

May I borrow your frame?

Before I'd trust you with it, sonny, you'd have to get two co-signers.

- But, Miss Ball, don't you want to dance? - Certainly, with Bud.

- Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. - No.

We'll have the first dance and let Bud and Hunk sit it out.

Then while they're dancing the next one, we'll sit it out.

Did anyone ever tell you you were brilliant and charming?

No.

- Then whatever gave you the idea? - Yeah.

Whatever did give you the idea?

It's very cozy here, but let's go out on the floor, huh?

Well, couldn't we go outside, where it's dark?

Why, Bud!

Oh, I didn't mean what I sounded like I meant.

Don't worry. If anyone recognizes me, I'll deny I'm that awful Lucille Ball.

May I cut in?

- Well, where you been all evening? - I was delayed by a rebuke.

Dutch, I've developed a strange habit. I like to breathe.

I'm practicing to be a commando.

May I cut in?

I hardly got my motor started.

I've been passed around so much, I feel like a lead quarter.

Gee, Miss Ball, you really send me, but I'm too smart to go.

It's very cozy in here, but let's go out on the floor, huh?

Oh, I said that, didn't I?

On the floor? And let the stag line see you?

If they only knew what we've got all to ourselves?

Just look at them drooling.

- Oh, Mr. James? - Yes.

That was awfully good.

But I certainly hope you're not gonna stick to the classics.

- Well, what's wrong with the classics? - Oh, brother, I can't stand them.

You can't?

Say, maybe we've got something in common.

If it's common, we got it.

Well, if you don't like The Bee,

stop buzzing around and tell us what you do like.

- The Three B's. - The Three B's? Okay.

Boys, the hive is full of jive. Let's wrap it up so they can sell it.

I never wanna hear Johann Sebastian Bach

And I don't wanna listen to Ludwig Beethoven

And I don't give a hoot for old Johannes Brahms

The B's we want are these

The B's we want are these

They're the barrelhouse

The boogie-woogie

And the blues

Yes, the barrelhouse

the boogie-woogie and the blues

Oh, the barrelhouse makes you want to carouse

And every boogie beat will raise your heat

And when they start to play the blues

You'll never, never choose to lose the blues

Oh, the blues will really get you

And the barrelhouse is bound to upset you

And the boogie-woogie beat will drive you straight to distraction

Hey, let's go, professors

Get a solid reaction

From the barrelhouse

The boog-boog-boog-boog boogie and the blues

- Yes, the barrelhouse - Yeah

The boogie-woogie and the blues

When a Dixieland band gets up on the stand

You'll hear the trombones slide and start to ride

So make them play those dirty

dirty hurdy-gurdy barrelhouse, boogie and blues

The barrelhouse, boogie and blues

The barrelhouse the boogie-woogie and the blues

It's plain to see now They can't agree now

'Cause everyone likes a different B now

We're up a tree now

We don't know which to choose

The barrelhouse the boogie-woogie or the blues

Cut out the fury We'll be the jury

You'll have to show us We're from Missouri

We'll reach a verdict if you will let us choose

The barrelhouse the boogie-woogie and the blues

I love the boogie 'cause it tickles my spine

I love the boogie 'cause it's fresh and it's fine

Just like a cigarette with modern design

That's why I love the boogie-woogie

- Yes, yes - Yes, yes

It seems to knock the wind right out of my chest

It's so darn good it makes a fool of the rest

Just goes to show you that the boogie's the best

That's why I love the boogie-woogie

- Yes, yes - Yes, yes

It's right as rain as low as a thunder

High as a cloud and sweet as a cake

It's got a kick like mountain liquor

And it's as slick and hard to take as Veronica Lake

It picks you up and then it knocks you right down

It makes you laugh and play and act like a clown

No other music has the right to the crown

'Cause there's nothing that will raise your heat

Like the boogie-woogie beat

Don't mean the barrelhouse

Like the boogie-woogie beat

Don't mean the blues

I love the boogie-woogie beat

She loves the boogie-woogie beat

Reet

I love the boogie, too

But not when I'm feeling blue

I get the blues in the mornin'

The blues at night

I even get the blues when I'm feelin'right

'Cause it sounds so good

And it feels so good

And it is so good

The best jazz music there is

I love the blues as well

But not when I'm feeling swell

When I'm feeling kind of chummy and I wanna join the scrummy

I go barrelhouse, barrelhouse

Don't make 'em send me down

The atmosphere is squalid but the band is really solid

They play barrelhouse, barrelhouse

They really go to town

The beat is steady as a rock there

They play till 5 or 6 o'clock there

You'll be mighty glad you found 'em

It's a treat to be around 'em

While they sock it beat it, kill it, bang it

The barrelhouse will make you drunk as a souse on jazz

It's the barrelhouse the boogie-woogie and the blues

It's the barrelhouse the boogie-woogie and the blues

It's the barrelhouse the boogie-woogie and the blues

It's the barrelhouse the boogie-woogie and the blues

When they play the B's it'll take the lead out of your shoes

Talkin'about those three B's

Talkin'about those three B's

Talkin'about those three B's

One, two, three

One, one, two One, two, three B's

Mr. and Mrs. Samuel J. Miller. Good evening.

Mr. and Mrs. Terrence Walker. Good evening.

Mr. and Mrs. Clayton Ritterman. Good evening.

- Has Mr. Dinwiddie arrived yet? - Just a minute, I'll see, sir.

I am so sorry.

- That's quite all right, sir. - I'm so sorry this thing happened.

Oh, well, that's all right. I'll pick them up.

Mr. and Mrs. Roger K. Coleman. Good evening.

Mrs. Herman Dalyrimple. Good...

- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. - That's quite all right.

- The missus couldn't come. - Just a moment, sir.

- Take over, mister. - Yes, sir.

Sir, there's a gentleman trying to get in with this invitation.

- Well, I'll handle it. - Yes, sir.

Well, good evening, Mrs. Dalyrimple.

I'm not Mrs. Dalyrimple, as you can plainly see.

The little woman couldn't come.

She's in bed with a sprained ankle.

Fell off her pogo stick, no doubt.

Yes, you know those pogo sticks.

- Yes, and who are you, sir? - Well, I'm Mr. Dalyrimple.

Well, now, that's fine.

Let me introduce you to your wife, Mrs. Dalyrimple.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

If you're my husband,

you certainly look marvelous for a man who's been dead 10 years.

Well, well, it's a small world, you know. Isn't it?

Well, thank you.

Good evening, Captain Bradd.

Just a minute, waiter. I'd like a piece of that cake.

- Oh, Captain Bradd, let me get you a plate. - Yes.

- And a fork, perhaps? - Thank you.

Well, well, well.

Why, Mr. O'Riley. Your tongue's hanging out.

Well, I see you gentlemen are taking good care of my little flower.

Oh, yes, yes. The boys are cutting me up very nicely.

Say, where's that hocus-pocus, out of focus?

Who, Chester? He'll be here when we need him.

Oh, well, that's fine, because my little Prince Charming

may break down any minute and dance with me out on the floor.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, Miss Talbert.

Will you dance with me?

Pardon me for sweeping you off your feet this way,

but something happened that made me want to dance.

And only with you.

I know we've never met, we've never seen each other,

but my instinct tells me that you're young and gay and beautiful.

Thanks, bub.

A gremlin.

You mad, foolish boy, risking your life to dance with me.

- Suppose my lover should return? - That's just what I was thinking.

This is no time to think. This is romance.

Get all you can before it's rationed.

But can't we sit this out outside while you stay in here?

Listen, you can't insult me and get away with it.

As a matter of fact, you can't insult me.

And this is where I get off.

- Here you are, ladies. - Thank you.

If men would realize that beauty is only skin deep.

Maybe I ought to get skinned.

My first prom, a fiasco.

Well, maybe the boys are here and can't find us.

- Will this be all? - Yeah.

Unless you want to dance.

This isn't mine.

What're you trying to do, switch capes on me?

- It's number 62. - What is this, a clip joint?

- Sure this isn't yours? - Positive.

"Lucille Ball."

- Lucille Ball! - Lucille Ball!

Do I look like Lucille Ball? Definitely not.

Lucille Ball, is she here?

I don't know. Bud Hooper checked this.

- Was Hunk Hoyt with him? - And Dutch and a woman.

Say, maybe that was Lucille Ball.

Come on, Ethel.

What has Lucille Ball got that I haven't got?

Don't answer that, you beast.

Now look, if you boys are tired,

I can convoy Miss Ball around the entire campus again.

Oh, no, thanks. No more walks.

Now that I've returned safely from this one.

Are you tired?

We have covered more roads than Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.

Holy cow! The chicks.

- Well, fancy meeting you here. - Yeah, fancy.

We were wondering why we couldn't find you.

Oh, you were?

- Pardon me, Miss Schlessenger. - Yes?

As Shakespeare once said, "Who steals a name steals very little,

"but who steals this, steals trash."

Oh, that Shakespeare sure gets off some good ones.

Go away, will you, Ethel?

Why don't you do what Bud says?

Bud, stag line's coming.

Miss Ball, there's something outside I forgot to show you.

It's probably the most interesting thing you ever saw.

- Where is she? - Who?

You know who. Black market.

We're moving in on your territory.

Yeah.

- You're insubordinate. - Yeah, but you're outnumbered.

Yeah.

Pardon me, sir. This is war. You gotta share.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

If you're referring to a certain middle-aged actress, she's outside.

Men, we'll spread out and cover the campus.

Whoever finds her, I hope it's me.

All the boys have gone.

How do you like that! They draft them while your back is turned.

- Bud? - Yeah.

Please get my wrap. I'm leaving.

Leaving? The dance? Oh, you want to protect me.

That's swell of you, Miss Ball, but I don't want to spoil your evening.

I mean, any more than I have already.

Bud, you're a nice boy.

And this has been a night that I'll always remember.

But please get my wrap, I'll wait here.

I wish you wouldn't leave. I'll get your wrap.

- Lucille. - Well, if it isn't the big idea man.

- Where's one-bulb Chester? - He's ready to take pictures.

You can't quit now. Baby, I've got you on third base.

I wish you were on third base and I was wearing spikes.

I've come 3,000 miles to meet my adoring public.

One dog greets me at the station.

The three Rover boys drag me here as Helen Double-talk.

They dance my feet off in the corner. I wind up hiding in some wet bushes.

And, if I play my cards right, I can be in a sanitarium by morning.

Look.

That pack of wolves proves my point. The American boy wants you.

Well, then, Bud Hooper must be a foreigner.

Besides, the poor kid will get in a jam if I stay here. So I'm leaving.

I'll see you at the hotel, unless my luck takes a turn for the better.

- Bud, we were looking all over for you. - Where is she?

She wants me to take her home.

I think, maybe, she's not having a good time.

You're wrong, Bud.

You're wrong.

Of course, she's having a good time. Don't let on I told you.

- She's only going for your sake. - My sake?

Yeah, she thinks you want to get rid of her. Poor kid.

She's broken-hearted and hurt.

- Oh, but I... - Of course, she doesn't show it.

- What a trooper. - You can't do this to her.

Can't you have one dance with her? Something for her to treasure?

- Yeah. The Ring Waltz. - Yeah.

That's the least you can do.

Well, I'll try and make her stay.

I don't want to break two hearts in one night.

Bud, you're Winsocki.

My first promise at my first prom

Is to dance the waltzes with you

I'll take chances with other dancers

But no one waltzes like you

We belong together

So don't ever let them take

the waltzes from us

For that's my promise

at my first

prom

Mr. Robert Myers and Miss Eve Bennett.

Mr. Harvey Hoyt and Miss Minerva Pierce.

I'm only doing this so as not to embarrass you.

But gosh, Min, I danced with Miss Ball,

but honest, I was only doing it for Bud.

- Well, did you have to hold her so tight? - Well, Bud's crazy about her.

Mr. Walter Billings and Miss Marjorie Dale.

Morton, this takes me back 20 years.

Forty.

My first promise at my first prom

Is never come to another

Checking out?

Yeah, I'm going to sleep at the hotel.

The music kind of keeps me awake.

For everybody else it's a dance. For me, it's a concert.

The trouble with you is you place too much importance on men.

Believe me, they aren't worth it. Thank goodness I'm self-sufficient.

At least you've lived.

The only boy who ever kissed me was my 2-year-old nephew.

He was teething and had to bite something.

Mr. Elwood C. Hooper and Miss Helen Schlessenger.

- Hey, you're on. Come on. - I can't go in there.

- Come on. It's Elwood C. Hooper. - Oh, but no...

Mr. Elwood C. Hooper and Miss Helen Schlessenger.

Please let me go. Please let me go.

- Schless, don't let her get away with it. - What?

She's dancing under your name. Do something.

Yeah. Sue her, for breach of prom.

Oh, but I can't really...

Oh, but this is bigger than you are. This is for all womanhood.

Stop! Stop the music! Stop!

- Bud. Oh, Bud. - Well, this is a fine time to cut in, dear.

Helen, go away.

I always wanted to meet you, Miss Schlessenger.

May I have a souvenir? Look. I got a souvenir.

Girls! Girls! Please!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please, gentlemen!

Look out. Let go of her.

Stop it! Stop it!

Lucille Ball!

Brats! You barbarians! You little stinkers!

- Get that picture. - Come on, fellows.

Come on, Miss Ball.

Nice work.

- I got that one, too. - So did I. Come on.

Fun is fun,

but never in my experience have I witnessed such unruly behavior.

Where is the sentry who was on the door?

Here, sir.

You know the rules. Why didn't you report the presence of this movie actress

who came in with Hooper?

Well, sir, she said her name was Helen Schlessenger.

I didn't realize she was Lucille Ball till her dress came off.

- That will be all. - Yes, sir.

- What about Hooper? - We're making satisfactory progress, sir.

- You've found him? - No, but we've got his description.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

There's to be no dancing until I return.

Captain Bradd.

- Can I come out now? - Oh, I'd rather you didn't.

Well, it's getting awfully hot in here.

I know. It'd be even worse if you were dressed.

Say, are you getting fresh, too?

Oh, no. I didn't mean anything. I wasn't one of those that touched your dress.

All right. All right. Any sign of old man Reeber?

No, not yet.

- Well, what am I... - Quick.

It's me. Reeber made the gang stop dancing.

Oh, those scavengers, those baby-faced baboons.

- Is it all right if I come in? - Don't you dare come in here.

I don't see why you have to be so prudish.

I saw you in a picture with only a Turkish towel once.

- I got paid to do that. - You got me there, pal.

I was thinking, you could walk to the hotel in my raincoat.

Oh, no. No raincoat. Those kids may be collecting scrap rubber, too.

Do me a favor, will you? Get me a dress some place?

I'll be back in a flash with a sash.

There ought to be a couple of bathrobes in that wardrobe.

- I'll see. - The one with my initials on it is mine.

Really? What a coincidence.

- What's the matter? - There's a great big rattrap.

- Oh, that? That's just a fencing mask. - Oh.

- Here's a bathrobe. - Thanks.

I'm not much good at this sort of thing.

The only women we ever get to see are the professors' wives.

- How many has he got? - Huh?

Skip it.

- Don't they have girls here? - No, they say it creates situations.

I see what you mean.

Who's that? You as a man?

Oh, no. That's my father.

He's a major in the army. He went to West Point, too.

- I take back the "too." - What do you mean?

Get in there. Quick.

All right. What have you done with the body?

- Jack, have you a dress? - Yes. Come on, Dutch.

Around here a dress should be made of barbed wire.

Say, what's going on here? Wait a minute.

Yes?

- It's The Bugle. - It's Chester.

- Hey, what is this? What is this? - Somebody might see you.

- Turn loose of my tuxedo. - What do you want?

- I thought Miss B was in here. - Is that you, Chet?

- Yes, sir. - Did you do as I told you?

- Just exactly, sir. - Good.

Now where's Miss B? I want to get some more pictures.

- Oh, no. No more pictures. - Oh, I'm disappointed.

But I developed that one I got of the incident, and it turned out fine.

- You killed it, of course? - Of course, he killed it.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

But now I'd like to get one of you and Bud dancing.

Hide everybody.

Good evening.

- I came to apologize. - Oh, it's the little souvenir collector.

I'll give her a souvenir. Just let me at her, that's all.

- Control yourself. - But you must admit you deserved it.

- Let's not lose your head. - Yeah, Miss B, hitting a kid,

- that's bad publicity. - Oh, what she needs is a good spanking.

Well, if that's your attitude, I withdraw my apology.

Helen, go away, please, please.

Oh, of course I'll come in, if you insist.

My. My, my, my, what a pretty dress.

Thank you. Do you mind if I wear it?

Hooper, you'd better get that cat out of here.

You wore that in your last picture, didn't you?

I saw that picture. It was held over. It played two nights.

That did it. That's all I can stand. Just can't stand any more.

I'm going to get something in my hands.

Now, don't be silly. Come on, Lucille.

- Give me something. - Control yourself. Control yourself.

- Let go. - Besides, you're holding the bat wrong.

Please, Miss Ball, for Winsocki's sake.

- This is great. - Get out of here. Will you, please?

Be quiet. Please be quiet. We'll all be expelled.

Hide.

Hello. What are you doing?

Hunk, you shouldn't have brought them here.

Come on.

Step this way and see the queen of the silver screen.

Helen, don't say that.

There she goes again. I'm not going to stand it.

Now take it easy, Lucille.

I must rolled on one of my bulbs.

I demand that everybody leave!

- Hide. - Come on.

Get in there.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, no, you don't. I'd rather take my chances out here.

Greetings.

If this is Halloween and that's a pumpkin, it's supposed to face the other way.

I may sue you for desertion.

Why don't they transfer the whole dance to this room?

Gee, this is cozy.

My pals. Why didn't you tell me there was a party?

- There's no more room in here. - I'm here on business.

Harry James says he'll dance with me if I get Lucille Ball's autograph.

All right. All right. All right.

And he wants it on this.

Hooper. Open this door.

It's Captain Bradd.

Open up, I say!

Get back in there.

Hooper! Open up this door, Hooper!

Hooper! Hooper, do you hear me?

Hooper! Hooper, do you hear me? Open the door!

Hooper!

Hooper! Unlock this door!

Oh, well, you can walk right in, it's not locked.

Captain Bradd.

I didn't recognize your voice.

- I guess I must have been studying... - Where is that actress?

Actress?

Oh, I know. You mean the one that was at the prom.

The one you brought to the prom.

Me? Captain Bradd, Helen Schlessenger was my date.

A swell girl!

An actress, deliberately stripping... Our school of it's reputation.

What was that?

It sounded just like a gun.

It must be target practice over at Fort Dix.

Why aren't you at the dance?

Oh, I suddenly wanted to browse through my trigonometry book.

Oh, you wanted to browse through trigonometry.

- What do I smell? - I don't know.

Well, it smells like perfume. And it's awful!

- It's me. - It's you?

I... You see, I use gug.

- What's "gug?" - Well, gug is, gug.

I use it for my hair. You should try it.

I mean it might save... I mean, I'll show you what it looks like.

That was no gun.

No? Well, it could be Indians, you know, sending messages.

They do say there's a tribe still living in the hills near here.

Yes, I know.

Part of that tribe was at the dance tonight!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to open the drum so I can get some air.

Well, be quiet. Get in.

- What did you say, Hooper? - I said there sure is a lot of air in here.

Indians. Guns.

I suppose you realize Winsocki's been disgraced?

Well, gosh, Captain Bradd, I wouldn't disgrace this school.

I love this school.

If you don't believe me, you can ask my parents.

Every time I write them, I never write about myself

or a bigger allowance, just how much I love this school.

Why, I bet I love it as much as I love you, sir.

Fort Dix.

Come on, get out.

- Come on. Out. - Come on. Come on.

Quick. All of you. Quick.

- Hey, Bud. - Hooper!

Come on, there's enough room in here for both of us.

Let me out of here, Hooper!

Hooper!

I'll get you. That was your idea, Hooper?

God, actress...

The average girl wants to learn how to whirl

the lindy like a hep, hep cat

The average frail wants to learn how to sail

around the floor in nothin' flat

The average doll wants a guy who can brag

that he's not content with only Kaffee Hag

The average quail wants a male who can mow her down

Like a three-alarm fire

A guaranteed live wire

I'm alive and kickin'

I want a guy who'll arrive and quicken the beat of my feet

When the jive starts tickin'

I want a guy who can dance

If the dive you're pickin' happens to try to deprive this chicken

The part of her heart that's alive and kickin'

Get me a guy who can

First come, first served

My heart is not reserved

You can rejoice

That you're not second choice

I'm alive and kickin'

Must have a guy who'll arrive and quicken the beat of my feet

When the jive starts tickin'

Takin'a chance with the first pair of pants that should make an advance

I'm ready to dance

"Cadets riot over Lucille Ball. Movie queen appears in the flesh."

Wonderful. Brilliant.

- I'm through with you. - All right, so you're through with me.

But when that story breaks on the Coast, you'll get more offers...

Offers. Offers. Offers.

What I've gone through for years so you can get 10% of my salary.

Don't you think I have any pride? Jack, you told me you killed that picture.

All right, so I didn't kill it. I only stunned it a little.

- But give it a chance. - I'm getting out of here.

But before I leave this quaint old village,

I'm going to find Chester Short and beat him over the head with you.

Now, get out of here. Come in.

Well, what do you want?

The murderer returns to the scene of his crime.

- Hello. - Hello. What do you want, Bud?

- Taking the train, huh? - Yes, yes. Yes, under my own name.

I don't suppose there's any use in my telling you how I feel about everything.

Oh, it's all right. It's all my own fault.

Why aren't you in school? It's commencement or something, isn't it?

Yeah, sure, but I've got time.

Everything all right with you and your girl?

Oh, sure.

How about with you and Winsocki?

Oh, I'm in the clear. They were real nice about it.

- That's good. - Nicer than the newspaper was to you.

It doesn't take much to push the war off the front page.

Well, all I know is if I ever write you another fan letter, just ignore it.

Tell me, Bud, did you mean all those nice things you said in that letter?

- Sure, I did. - Well, what is it you like about me?

- On the screen or off? - Both.

Well, on the screen, you're the kind of a girl a fellow wishes he'd met

before he made a promise to the girl next door.

- And off the screen? - You're the girl next door.

Why, Bud. You astonish me.

I astonish me, too.

Well, I mean... Well, that is...

Well, Miss Ball, would you do something for me?

Surely.

Well, a long time ago you sang a song to a fellow in a picture.

I've forgotten who he was, but I remember he needed a haircut.

You were supposed to be in love with him and he was going away. Remember?

Yes. Did you like that song?

Well, I liked the way you sang it and, gee, I...

I'll sing you another.

Now, you may think that my career is just a lot of fun.

But life's not always Technicolor

under the Hollywood sun

Just because you hate exams

and you've only one prom a year

Don't be dismayed

I'd gladly trade, my dear

You're lucky

Lucky to be just a kid

with no cares

You're lucky

Your life is just as easy

as falling down stairs

You think the world is on your shoulders

But wait

until you grow a little older

You're lucky

Lucky to be so naive

and yet wise

If only you'd realize

That no matter what you say

Today's your lucky day

And you should thank your lucky stars

Oh, lucky

to be just

what you are

- There. - Thank you.

Well, I guess I'd better go, now.

My parents are coming down to watch me get my diploma.

You tell your parents something for me. They have a very nice boy.

I'll tell them I met a nice girl.

Well, I hope everything turns out just...

Well, just wonderful for you.

Good luck, Miss Ball.

Lucille.

- Lucille! - Now don't you tell Miss Schlessenger.

No, I won't tell anybody. They'd never believe me.

Lucille!

Porter, please.

Hello, porter? This is Miss Ball speaking.

Would you do a quick errand for me?

Would you go to a shop and get the finest set of military brushes they carry?

Silver.

Yes, send them to cadet Hooper at the school, please.

Thank you. Come in.

- Hello. - Hello.

Bud was just here. You missed him.

Purposely. I heard his voice, so I hid in the corridor until he went.

But I thought... He said you and he were all straightened out.

No, I haven't seen him since last night.

But I don't care about myself. Bud's in a terrible situation.

- He's not gonna graduate. - He's not going to graduate?

Lucy, we're in the bag.

Miss Schlessenheimer. Look.

Four hundred papers ran your picture. Three studios are frantic for you.

How do you like that little faker? Never said a word about it to me.

And his folks will be there, too, when he doesn't graduate.

Oh, honey, don't do that. That won't get him his diploma.

I just thought maybe you could do something.

Oh, not that you're obligated to.

After all, you came here

just out of the goodness of your heart for Bud's sake. But...

Well, you know how to handle men.

You're beautiful and everything.

If you would just talk to Major Reeber.

Oh, that's a pretty tall order. I...

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I better go back now.

I'm sorry, Helen.

- I hope I haven't upset you. - Oh, no. No, I feel fine.

- Goodbye, Helen. - Goodbye.

They want you to fly to the Coast. There's a picture starting right away.

That little guy will die if he doesn't get to West Point.

I didn't go to West Point and I'm not dead.

Wanna bet?

You're liable to crimp the deal if you're not out there by tomorrow.

Where you going?

To play a return engagement at the scene of my greatest triumph, Winsocki.

Why do you think I came to the dance?

Out of the goodness of my heart? Because I like hiding in closets?

I came strictly for business, publicity.

- A stunt. - A stunt?

Yes, my manager thought it might get me some headlines.

- It has. - Yes.

Maybe your manager can arrange for Bud Hooper to be admitted to West Point?

West Point, no.

But if it was Alcatraz, I'm sure he could swing it.

Major Reeber, Bud is a nice kid, and he's worked hard for four years.

His father and mother are gonna be out there today.

And when you run out of diplomas just as you get to him, you're gonna feel like a...

Like a heel?

Well, that's how I feel now.

But you forget that I'm merely an administrative officer of this school.

I'm under orders.

As a matter of fact, any moment now,

I expect a board of visitors from West Point.

They never heard of Bud Hooper,

so they can't be personally fond of him, as I am.

All they know is that a cadet

whose conduct is unbecoming an officer and a gentleman must be expelled.

Well, now, let's take that part about conduct unbecoming an officer.

Now he smuggled me into the dance

because he didn't think his girl was coming.

- An officer is allowed a date, isn't he? - Yes.

All right. So when he found out his girl was coming,

he was just too much of a gentleman to brush me off.

Now, Miss Ball, you're mixing me up.

There wasn't anything gentlemanly about the way they ripped your gown off.

- Oh, they didn't rip my gown off. - Now, wait a minute.

- There's the evidence. - Circumstantial evidence, Major.

They did not rip my dress off. They were merely collecting souvenirs.

That's the kind of people we are in this country.

We collect goal posts, manhole covers, bottle tops,

or, in my case, a dress.

But we do it with a sense of humor.

Oh, I see you've been to a nightclub, Major.

My son gave me that.

But I got this one myself.

Major, the Flying Tigers were full of Bud Hoopers.

And do you know what they use at the field in Chongqing

to tell which way the wind was blowing?

One of my silk stockings.

You're a soldier. It wouldn't hurt your aim any

if your rifle-butt was resting against your sweetheart's hankie, would it?

Well...

Yes?

Colonel Herkrider and the board of visitors are here, sir.

Miss Ball, will you excuse me?

Major, it would take a troop of commandos to get me out of here,

unless you square things for Bud.

Well, I... Just a minute.

Will you wait in there, please?

Gee, I'd like to hide in a room some time.

- Colonel. - Major Reeber.

- How are you? Gentlemen. - Very well.

- Sayer. - Sayer.

- Newberry. - Newberry.

- Ash. - Ash.

- Shay, sir. - Shay.

- Waters. - Waters.

- Carpenter. - Carpenter.

- Well, I see you've seen the headlines. - Yes, I certainly have.

I trust you haven't indicted the boy without hearing the true facts.

The true facts?

- Don't tell us that isn't Lucille Ball? - Oh, it is.

And that's her face, too.

Yes.

Well, I don't think there's anything else to be said then.

Pardon me, sir, there is a great deal to be said.

That isn't a dress, that's a souvenir.

This is the kind of country

where we have the right to collect bottle tops.

That's why the Flying Tigers wore silk stockings

to show which way the wind was blowing.

- What? - Well, it wouldn't hurt your aim any

if you carried your sweetheart in your handkerchief.

- That's what we're fighting for. - What?

That's right, Colonel, that's what we're fighting for.

Well! Yes, Major, we're even fighting for your right

to have a skeleton in your closet.

Oh, Colonel, now you wouldn't call me a skeleton, would you?

Well, if I'd known you were here, I would have come down for the dance.

- Thank you. - Roger, you always were a greedy fellow.

Say, the boys have waited four years for graduation.

We don't wanna hold them up.

Gentlemen, Miss Ball.

- How do you do, Miss Ball? - How do you do?

I'm so happy to know you. How do you do?

- This is a pleasure. - How are you, Miss Ball?

- May I, Miss Ball? - Just try and get out of it.

Major?

Well, there they are, the little souvenir collectors.

Yes. Yes, we all have our weaknesses, but you're safe up here.

Oh, I know I am, Colonel, but are you?

I think so.

Speaking of souvenirs.

Aren't they wonderful?

There he is. That's my fellow, the little guy.

- You mean Killer? - We're going steady.

- But he's only 13. - By the time he's 18, he'll get used to me.

If you shout hooray for the Pennsylvania Dutchmen

They will cover the ground for a number one down or a touch

Everyone's agreed that you have to concede to the Dutchmen

Shout hooray for the Pennsylvania Dutch

If you shout hooray for the Pennsylvania Dutchmen

Every team that they play will be carried away on a crutch

When they're out on the field if they're wearing the shield of the Dutchmen

Shout hooray for the Pennsylvania Dutch

Hooray!

Buckle down, Winsocki Buckle down

You can win, Winsocki If you knuckle down

If you break their necks If you make them wrecks

You can break the hex so buckle down

Make 'em yell, Winsocki Make 'em yell

You can win, Winsocki If you ring the bell

If you don't give in Take it on the chin

You are bound to win If you will only buckle down

If you fight, you'll chuckle at defeat

If you fight, your luck will not retreat

We repeat

Buckle down, Winsocki Buckle down

You can win, Winsocki If you buckle down

If you mow them down If you go to town

You can wear the crown If you will only buckle down

Buckle down, Winsocki Buckle down

You can win, Winsocki If you knuckle down

If you break their necks If you make them wrecks

You can break the hex so buckle down

Make 'em yell

Make 'em yell, Winsocki Make 'em yell

You can win, Winsocki If you ring the bell

If you don't give in Take it on the chin

You are bound to win If you will only buckle down

If you fight, you'll chuckle at defeat

If you fight, your luck will not retreat

I repeat

Knuckle down, Winsocki Knuckle down

You can win, Winsocki If you buckle down

If you mow them down If you go to town

You can wear the crown If you will only buckle down

Winsocki! Hooray!

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