Original subtitles

Ifrit, Grimnir needs you at the Corn Palace.

Ask for Old Iktomi.

- To what end? - Gungnir.

You're getting Fire-eyes and the fairy

to fetch your fucking spear for ya?

I didn't picture the Corn Palace like this.

In my head, it was a lot more yellow. Like corn.

Roadside attractions are all about the green.

This is an instrument of death.

That, my very old friend,

is not your motherfucking concern.

My spear?

Okay, gentlemen,

the King of the Dwarves awaits us!

Alviss, son of Vindalf.

The wondrous Gungnir.

The runes require attention, Alfather.

And rune carving is Dvalin's domain.

Have you seen that little bastard lately?

♪ I have a secret recipe ♪

♪ Concocted with much skill ♪

♪ And once you've tried my special dish ♪

♪ You'll never get your fill ♪

♪ Take... ♪

♪ Ten terrific girls but only nine costumes ♪

♪ You're cooking up something grand ♪

♪ Mix in some amber light and elegant scenery ♪

♪ Stir in a fine jazz band ♪

♪ And add some funny men ♪

♪ And pepper with laughter ♪

♪ It's tart and tasty, I know ♪

♪ Then serve it piping hot ♪

♪ And what have you got? ♪

♪ A burlesque show ♪

♪ Take ten terrific girls ♪

♪ But only nine costumes ♪

♪ And you're cooking up something grand ♪

Good evening! Welcome to the Regius Theater

one and all, tonight, for your viewing pleasure,

you know him, you love him, God of Hammers,

scourge of Ragnarok! Donar the Great!

She sings, she dances, but don't be fooled, guys,

she can shoot the balls off a flea at 50 yards.

Miss Columbia!

So, listen, stick around, sample it all.

There's something here for everyone

on the illuminated runway of joy!

♪ A burlesque show ♪

♪ Aaaa... ♪

♪ Serve it piping hot and what have you got? ♪

♪ A burlesque ♪

♪ A Grimnir burlesque show ♪

You and your date look gorgeous tonight, huh?

Swell show, fella!

Oh. Thank you so much. Yeah.

Mr. Grimnir!

Bottle of our finest bubbly

for Table number 3 over there. On the house.

Fill 'er up.

Hey.

Hey!

There she is.

You sleep okay?

Hardly the Odinsleep, but...

it'll do for the task ahead.

Mm. Thought you might've been dead.

Playing dead convincingly is an underrated skill.

Would you get my guitar out of the trunk, partner?

This day turns to shit... I'm outta here.

Would you lower your bark, Mr. Moon?

This is a respectable neighborhood.

I thought we were looking for dwarves.

We are. Someone built a mall over their center of power

so they do what they have to to get by. In this case, retail.

This used to be Gomorrah.

Hordes of teeny-boppers,

their insatiable desire for retail urges

stoked by every swipe of their daddy's credit card.

And now? Oh!

Dies irm, dies illa,

Solvet saeclum in favilla,

Teste David cum Sibylla. Huh?

To dead malls everywhere:

may you rot in the detritus of your own cupidity!

Lower your bark, Wednesday.

It's a respectable neighborhood.

Sometimes you remind me of my son.

Your son?

Yeah.

Come on. Let's go find Sindri and Dvalin.

The war begins

and nobody sees it.

The storm lowers

and nobody knows it.

A truck driver, in Denver,

killed by a rubber-gripped claw-headed hammer

in his home.

A community of nine anchorites

dead from carbon monoxide poisoning.

A lobster tank smashed in an Atlanta seafood restaurant.

Single attacks may light the spark.

But...

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

S'up?

Victory...

...requires a power

of breadth and scope.

Your worshippers harness their power.

Oh, yeah, totally. I can up my game.

Check this out.

Double up on that nipple tape, Ecdysiasts.

Nobody coming here to see your areolas.

It's Donar's moose knocker that brings all the boys to the yard.

Whose shoes are these?

Whose fucking shoes are these?

I don't work for you crackers!

I'm not the hired help around this bitch!

Somebody is goin' to break their skinny stripper neck

on account of those motherfucking shoes!

Got my pressure up.

My queen? The nature of our arrangement is such

that I get 20 percent of your worship.

I should be smiling with a hard-on but, alas,

I am not.

Get yo' face out the mirror.

Get your ass on the stage!

I'm gonna count to seven

and I'm startin' at four!

Here, let me.

Do not arouse me, Columbia.

If my sword were to get aloft on stage...

We'll get raided again, the club will close down,

we can go to California, land of opportunity!

I know you desire to leave Chicago, but I need more time.

I can't abandon Grimnir, not now. He needs me.

What he needs is a pony for his dog-and-pony show,

and that's you, mister.

We do the same tired song and dance night after night,

feeding off of cheap applause of drunken punters.

But out west, we'd be free.

Come on, Donnie.

Don't you wanna get out of this two-bit peeler palace?

Who knows if I'd even survive in California?

The frontier isn't exactly rife

with Hessians and Vikings to pay my tribute.

You're ridin' with Manifest Destiny, baby.

I am the West.

I won't let anything happen to you.

I have a contract with Grimnir.

So do you.

It's been 10 years, Donar. It's time to move on.

Together.

Good evening, young sir.

Well, if it isn't the top banana.

Ladies, make this gentleman comfortable. Go on.

Snuggle up! Grimnir's the name. Al Grimnir.

Owner of this fine establishment.

Fine? Listen, pops, I've seen fine and this...

...ain't it.

You're a man of discriminating taste? Well, girls,

you're just gonna have to convince him otherwise.

This is Isamba

and her enchanting sister, Gfjun,

two of our most gifted showgirls.

I dunno, George.

- It's Al. - Well, Al,

your bubbly's flat, your cherries are stale,

and your girls... are cheaper than your suit.

Oh!

I was just leaving.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't leave, not just yet.

You're gonna miss our best act.

Besides, you might know us by our other name.

We are the Ancient Ones.

The ones that paved the way so you kids could do your thing.

That's for you.

Yeah...

Great. Mm-hmm.

I am.

Look, it's as good as done. No need...

Yeah, I won't. Ciao.

You're still here.

You guys, you've got your fingers on the pulse

but what happens when people find a new way to communicate,

huh, and this thing becomes obsolete?

No way, gramps.

- Ma Bell is here to stay. - Oh, I admire your confidence.

But when - and I mean "when" -

a new shiny thing comes along and these wires

and dials and Bakelite all hit the skids,

you are gonna need some

real power on your side.

Time to go to work.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Joey Alameda and the Hot Box Seven!

The band, huh? Come on, guys, take a bow. The band.

Okay, that's enough. We wouldn't want to get them too excited.

They'll want more money.

Our next performer, he's sharp as a tack, strong as an ox,

and a big hit

not just with the ladies in our audience, I hear, huh?

So!

Putting the scandal in Scandinavia

since time immemorial,

let's give a big hand for my boy!

Donar the Great!

So...

Whoo!

Excuse me, sir, are you the manager?

Why, you wanna buy a club?

No. My colleagues and I

would like to have a word with you about your strongman.

Oh, well, tell me, wh-why do you wear the flanged thwarts?

Sorry?

The angle cross of fylfot. The rune on Gunnvaldr's stone.

Oh, my armband?

It's the symbol of our organization.

The Friends of New Germany.

Oh, right.

I wasn't aware she'd landed on our shores.

The name's Manfred. May I buy you a drink?

Yeah.

Why not?

I'm sorry, Alfather, but you're wasting your time.

I ought to throttle Alviss for sending you here.

He knows Dvalin isn't capable of what you ask.

I never expected to hear such defeat

in the voice of the one they call...

...Spark-Sprayer.

I fear my giant of a brother

has sent you here to humiliate me, my lord.

What was broken can and must be repaired,

my dwarfish friend, for the sake of the future.

What say you, Son of Ymir? Wanna etch my runes?

Alviss didn't tell you everything, I see.

What's wrong with him?

Same damn thing

that's wrong with the rest of our kind:

he's meeting his fate sooner than most.

He's working now. Why doesn't he just etch the spear?

Oh, Sindri, this is my associate, Shadow.

Shadow, you say?

I'm afraid it's not that simple, my lord.

The strength to etch runes of war

would require an artifact of great power.

Oh, how great?

Turn it over.

Fucking dwarves.

All this for a leather jacket?

Lou Reed's leather jacket!

It's the most powerful item in the whole mall.

Great.

Look, just buy the jacket,

get Chatty back there to etch the spear,

and we're back in Cairo in time for dinner.

I'm not spending one cent of my hard-earned money

on fucking dwarves.

What do you wanna do?

No.

Take good care of that. We shall return.

Maybe y'all shouldn't dance. Maybe y'all should just pose.

- I got it. Whoa! - Donar.

These gentlemen are from the Friends of New Germany

with a proposition for you,

which I thoroughly endorse. Manfred, this is Donar.

A pleasure to meet you, Donar. We really enjoyed your act.

I shall listen to your proposition.

Well, we wanna sponsor an American

for the World Weightlifting Championship

in Chicago this year

and when we saw you out there on that stage,

we knew you were our guy.

You see, we're an organization with American values.

And we see those values in you.

Strength, confidence, good breeding.

- Donnie, what's your last name? - I don't have one.

- Odinson. - Finnish?

No, no, no, no, no. You carry on, Manfred, carry on.

Sign on with us, we'll take care of everything.

All you have to do is show up and bring the muscle.

- Interested? - Of course he is.

Great. So, we'll feed you,

we'll put you up, give you a little shave and a haircut.

All you have to do is just lift the heavy things.

I accept your proposition, Fiend of Germany.

Friend of Germany.

- Friend. - That's my boy!

Wonderful. Oh, well, be at this address tomorrow at 1:00

and we'll get started.

Oh, we'll be there with bells on.

Oh ho! Hot dog! Donar Odinson. You know what this means?

They want me to be their champion.

Oh, no. It's much more than that.

Oh, this is... this is a resurrection!

Those jackbooted idiots will elevate you

to your former glory!

What do you think, my dear, huh? Can't you see my son,

towering over the Windy City with his hammer?

Oh, lesser Gods and New Gods could only dream of such glory,

such godly magnificence.

You are gonna elevate our entire pantheon.

Why were they wearing the flanged thwarts?

They were Nazis, weren't they?

They're sheep in search of a shepherd.

Like he is a God in search of worshippers.

Make me proud, my son.

Oh, yes!

American Nazis.

Well, you heard Grimnir. It's a resurrection.

But they frighten me, Donnie.

They're only men. They're nothing to be afraid of.

I shall win the Championships,

and all across the country they'll be chanting my name.

Even as far away as California.

California.

I will win. And when I do, we can go wherever we want.

Donnie, do ya mean it? Do ya really mean it?

I guess you do mean it.

Now, scram. I gotta get dressed.

♪ Wildcat Kelly looking mighty pale ♪

♪ Was standing by the sheriff's side ♪

♪ And when that sheriff said, "I'm sending you to jail" ♪

♪ Wildcat raised his head and cried ♪

♪ "Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies above ♪

♪ Don't fence me in ♪

♪ Let me ride through the wide-open country that I love ♪

♪ Don't fence me in ♪

♪ Let me be by myself in the evening breeze ♪

♪ Listen to the murmurs of the cottonwood trees ♪

♪ Send me off forever but I ask you please ♪

♪ Don't fence me in ♪

♪ Just turn me loose ♪

♪ Let me straddle my own saddle ♪

♪ Underneath the western skies ♪

♪ On my cayuse let me wander over yonder ♪

♪ 'Til I see the mountains rise ♪

♪ I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences ♪

♪ Gaze at the moon until I lose my senses ♪

♪ Can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences ♪

♪ Don't fence me in ♪

Don't fence me in!

Take it all off!

♪ Just turn me loose ♪

♪ Let me straddle my own saddle ♪

♪ Underneath the western skies ♪

♪ On my cayuse let me wander over yonder ♪

♪ 'Til I see the mountains rise ♪

♪ I want to ride to the ridge ♪

♪ Where the west commences ♪

♪ Gaze at the moon 'til I lose my senses ♪

♪ Can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences ♪

♪ Don't fence me in ♪

♪ Woke up to the sound of pouring rain ♪

♪ The wind would whisper and I'd think of you... ♪

He was a moody Jewish kid from Long Island.

A destructive, drug-addled genius who defined an era

by dredging the depths of his soul

and setting them to the music of a badly tuned guitar.

Oh, this jacket has rubbed shoulders with David Bowie,

Grace Jones, Iggy Pop, Patti Smith.

- Wow! - And it simply must be mine.

What? No way. You're a...

- Bishop? - Yeah!

Hammersmith. Drove all the way up from Lincoln

just to see it in person.

Now you know my name and my other passion, Carl.

Well, I'll be. I just... I never thought I'd sell Lou

to a man of the cloth. You're a super fan, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I've had my wild times, though, in the past.

Great rock and roll, like faith,

can never really be shaken from the viscera of one's soul.

Yeah, tell me about it. I'm a Chili's fan myself.

I loved 'em in high school; I love 'em now.

My band does a sick cover of "Otherside."

Yeah, man. Here she is.

A jacket worn and signed by Lou Reed himself.

All for the low retail cost of $7,500.

Cash or charge?

Cash?

Cash. Okay. Wow. You wanna try this puppy on?

Is Martin Luther a Lutheran?

Yes?

I have no idea.

- Let's do this thing. - All right.

Eight, nine, ten is seven,

and one, two, three, four, five makes us even.

I'm just gonna check these last few bills

and I'll write you a receipt, okay?

Tell me, do you guys work on commission?

No. Afraid not.

Perhaps you'd accept this as a tip, then.

I really shouldn't.

But, yeah, bless you, Bishop.

- No, bless you, Carl. - Hands up, Al.

Oh, buddy! What are you doing? This man's a bishop!

Yeah, and I'm Beyoncé. Cuff him, boys.

Appreciate it. I'm Agent Andy Haddock.

United States Secret Service.

- What's this man wanted for? - Counterfeiting.

Out here circulating fake bills all across the Midwest.

Well, I checked his bills and they're real.

- You use an iodine pen? - Yeah.

Well, that's your problem.

Al here's using a fiber-based paper for his fake bills

so pen don't catch 'em. Can I check some bills here?

Yeah.

Thank you.

These are good. These are getting real...

You're getting real good at this, ain't you, Al?

But, uh, yeah, lemme see.

Here you go.

See where he springs for the paper...

...skimps on the ink.

Well, I'll be.

This everything?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

- May I say-- - Would you shut up?

Gentlemen, could you please just give me some space?

I appreciate that.

Oh, ah, what about the jacket?

I'm sorry, but that's evidence now.

In fact, you'll have to get down the local police station.

They'll be able to tell you when you get all this back.

You get any problems, you just give them my name.

Okay.

- And Carl? - Yeah.

You did real good today.

On behalf of the United States Government,

you have served your country.

Wasn't sure how the Bishop Game

was gonna play to a modern crowd

but that wasn't half bad, huh?

No. We'll just hide out here until the mall closes.

Yeah. Then we'll take the jacket to Dvalin.

May I say how terrific you were back there, Agent Haddock?

Now, will you uncuff me, please?

How 'bout first you tell me about that son of yours?

This an interrogation?

Yeah. Maybe.

Answer the question.

Former son.

He died.

From what I've read, Thor was the son of Odin.

Donar was his... taken name. Germanic for thunder.

And, yes, you remind me of him.

Spitting image.

No, no.

Many, many shades lighter

but you do share many... similar characteristics.

I don't understand. I don't get it. How does Thor die?

Zorya, I understand.

She didn't have any believers left, it makes sense.

But Thor? Everybody knows who Thor is.

Why didn't he come back?

There are certain deaths our kind cannot come back from.

What kind of deaths are those?

This interrogation is over.

How high will he rise?

America's golden boy does it again.

Donar strikes again!

The world's strongest man! America's pride.

Donnie Odinson, representing America!

I hope you'll consider my proposal

very carefully, Mr. Odinson.

I wouldn't want you, or your friends, to regret it.

Good day.

It helps if you breathe in slow, like this...

And then breathe out, very slow,

through your mouth.

Also helps to count:

one, two, three...

You can laugh, scream, cry,

take your hammer and bust somebody head wide

the fuck open 'til the white show.

You got plenty of choices.

But first, you have got to get a hold of yourself.

It's Manfred.

He demands I lose to the German contestant.

He wants me to let Germany win.

I'm sorry, Donar.

I'm sorry.

Why?

You know why.

I'm stronger than the German; everyone knows that!

Why would they sponsor me just to have me lose?

Let me tell you a story...

...about why they'd want you to be their Zarathustra.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy god

born into a woman's world, where male gods could not rule.

The goddess of all goddesses loved the little boy god.

She favored him but, still, he could not rule.

The boy did not accept his fate.

He traveled through time to a world

where men were in charge, so that he could rule.

He made a deal with man

to steal fire lances from the gods.

Man took that fire...

...and blazed a path to the world of women

where the boy came from.

They raped. They killed.

They attempted to destroy his homeland.

I am that boy.

My homeland still exists.

But not for me.

I understand, but if I win the championship...

You don't want to win the championship!

- That's not true. - Rumor has it...

...you didn't even want to carry your hammer on stage.

Now you want to be the champion of a rigged game?

There is no honor in that.

Stop giving away your worship, boy.

You are not like them.

You are different.

You are beautiful. Hmm?

Donar.

Good night, Nancy.

Alright now.

Dvalin, son of Ymir.

Let this give you strength.

♪ Vicious ♪

♪ You hit me with a flower ♪

♪ You do it every hour ♪

♪ Oh, baby, you're so vicious ♪

♪ Vicious... ♪

She's ready to be healed.

♪ You're so vicious ♪

♪ You're just so vicious ♪

My swaying one.

You started the first war.

You will finish the last.

One more step.

With you, I will not fail.

♪ Vicious ♪

O-M-G, could this be any more analog?

♪ But, baby, you're so vicious ♪

What the F was that?

The runes have been etched.

Things are happening ahead of schedule.

Oh. So, like... how much ahead?

'Cause I'm gonna need more tech support

if you wanna live-stream before the launch date.

Then you shall have it.

The fellows in the Valley assure me

that our new friend...

...will be ready in time.

The wind stirs the branches in the trees.

The storm is coming.

You missed my act.

I needed to clear my head.

What's going on, Donar?

We should go to California.

- Now. Tonight. - Oh, Donnie! Are you serious?

It'll be the adventure of a lifetime.

We'll hop on a bus and wake up on the open road.

Just meet me at the backstage door after the last show.

I pledge myself to you, Columbia.

And I you, Donar.

Columbia, dear.

Uh, one minute, Al!

Key.

Come on in.

I want to introduce you to a friend of mine.

He's also a big fan of yours.

I've been looking for that thing everywhere!

- You naughty boy, you. - Columbia,

the pleasure is mine.

- What are you? - The future.

Your future.

He's got a proposition for you,

which I thoroughly endorse.

The country, as you probably know,

is on the brink of another war.

Is it? I've been out of the loop.

America needs a goddess of substance

to take us into the fight.

My associates and I know all about you.

Hoo, boy!

You were doing great until

Mademoiselle Liberty came along and stole your thunder.

You're surviving... for now.

Thanks to Al here.

But pretty soon, the people will forget

and no amount of sequins will stop

that fantastic rack of yours

from going the way of the dodo.

She's Roman, actually.

- What? - Libertas.

Resurrected by the French as a gift to the Americans.

Funny old world.

Hm. Roman, French...

Whatever.

It's the American way of life we're concerned about.

And we believe you have the power to save it.

With a-a little less...

Buffalo Bill...

And a little more Our Lady of the War Effort.

I need a minute to think about it.

Take as much time as you need.

I need to speak with Donar.

He left with the Germans. Didn't he talk to you?

- Left? - Boy's ship came in.

I guess he's busy building his immortality.

That's what you should do, too.

Manifest your own destiny.

Where are you off?

I'm going to California with Columbia.

- What about the championship? - I won't be their puppet.

Humans serve us, not the other way around.

Don't be stupid, Donar; worship is worship.

No! I will forge my own path with the woman I love

and our children will populate the western lands.

I... I don't know how to tell you this but, um...

she ain't coming.

What do you mean? Of course she is.

Columbia has decided to explore other opportunities.

You did this. You used your charms on her!

I wish that I had, my son,

then I could reverse them, but look on the bright side:

the liberation has enabled you to fulfill your destiny.

Throw the match. Secure the worship!

No, Father.

No?

No? Oh, yes. You will do this.

Otherwise, there's no place in the theater for you.

You think you have a show without me?

It's me they come to see.

Me! Donar the Great!

Do not disrespect me, son.

Remove the charm you put on Columbia.

Charms do not work on our own kind.

Columbia has chosen to make something of her life,

unlike my coward of a son.

Or my failure of a father!

Such strength...

only a fraction of what's to come.

Oh, my boy, power like this you cannot walk away from!

Goodbye, Father.

No!!!

If I, uh...

If I upset you back there...

It wasn't you.

Ghosts from the past.

What happened to Donar?

Sacrifice is the only noble act.

As gods, it's our sustenance and currency.

I regret nothing.

He checked out..

1942.

Somewhere outside of Philadelphia.

So I heard.

Suicide.

Suicide: that's the kind of death

that Gods can't come back from.

Did the Valkyries provide safe passage?

Honestly?

I have no idea.

♪ Once I built a railroad, made it run ♪

♪ Made it race against time ♪

♪ Once I built a railroad, now it's done ♪

♪ Brother can you spare a dime? ♪

♪ Once I built a tower to the sun ♪

♪ Brick and rivet and lime ♪

♪ Once I built a tower, now it's done ♪

♪ Brother can you spare a dime? ♪

♪ Once in khaki suits Gee, we looked swell ♪

♪ Full of that Yankee doodly dum ♪

♪ Half a million boots went sloggin' through hell ♪

♪ But I was the kid with the drum ♪

♪ Say, don't you remember ♪

♪ You called me Al? ♪

♪ It was Al all the time ♪

♪ Say, don't you remember ♪

♪ I'm your pal ♪

♪ Buddy can you spare a dime? ♪

♪ All your two-bit psychiatrists ♪

♪ Are giving you electro shock ♪

♪ They say they let you live at home with mom and dad ♪

♪ Instead of mental hospitals ♪

♪ But every time ♪

♪ You tried to read a book ♪

♪ You couldn't get to page 17 ♪

♪ 'Cause you forgot where you were ♪

♪ So you couldn't even read ♪

♪ Don't you know they're gonna kill your sons? ♪

♪ Don't you know they're gonna kill your ♪

♪ Kill your sons? ♪

♪ They're gonna kill, kill your sons ♪

♪ Until they run ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run away ♪