Original subtitles

And on that point, members of the jury, I writ my case.

I love you, Wanda.

Ken. Hello, Wanda.

Ken.

This is Otto.

Hello, Ken.

Wanda's told me a lot about you. Hey, great fish.

Oh. A little squeeze of lemon, some tartar sauce. Perfect.

George Beckett?

No,

he had to go to the bar.

Oh, that's quite a stutter you've got there, Ken.

It's all right. It doesn't bother me.

So, uh, George needs a weapons man, eh?

A cup of tea, Ken?

Yeah, he'd like one.

I had a good friend in the CIA who had a stutter.

Cost him his life, damn it.

Hi, George.

Hello, George.

Get your scotch.

Yeah.

This is Otto.

Your wonders, brother.

Good to be here, George.

England is a fine country.

She tell you what we need?

Something like that?

Hello, Wendy.

Had a good day?

I spend the morning trying to get the waste disposal man to come, have lunch

with Marjorie Brooks, who takes up the entire meal complaining about her

husband. Then I have to play three rubbers with Philippa Hunter.

And I come back here and Sanderson's had sent the wrong flowers.

Oh, no.

Would you like some tea?

I won the cake.

It's the first moment I've had to myself all day.

Hello, Portia. How was the show?

Awful, Daddy. I've got to have a new horse. Look, I thought you liked

He's not fit for dog meat.

Can I change him, please, Dad? It's absolutely fine and it won't cost much.

Well, oughtn't we to ask Belinda if you... I haven't been in the tea yard. I

darling, sorry. No, no, let me do it, please. No, I'll do it.

I won the case.

Now this is crap.

They're worth about 100 ,000 each.

There are 135 of them. That makes 13 millions, my friends. Dollars or pounds?

Pounds, pet.

This is the big one, so... Topaz?

Yeah.

Otto?

About the police?

We don't meet up at Heathrow until Tuesday.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't finished yet.

Because the police will watch all the airports for 72 hours.

I know. I know.

Do you want me to get a big car?

Yes. Get away. A limo, okay.

And put diplomatic plates on it, right?

Nobody says anything during a break -in, Otto. It's okay, Otto.

Ken, good.

So, next week, we won't have to look for work.

And it won't have to look for us.

Oscar Wilde.

You really like animals, don't you, Ken?

What's the attraction?

Because you can have them and they don't.

Shit on you. Shut up.

You know what Nietzsche said about them?

He said they were God's second blunder.

Bye, sis.

Well, you tell him from me, but I'll control him. Bye, George.

Talk to Mom. Tell her I said hi. Okay.

Don't let him touch you. One more day. We're together.

Sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive.

He had a hard life.

Dad used to beat him up.

And you thought he moved? And you're dead!

People here just think they own the paper.

That was fun.

I loved robbing the English.

So polite.

What is it, Ken?

The dog. We didn't hit the dog, Ken. It's okay. $20 million.

He's worried about an insect.

That is not getting any better, is it, Ken? Have you thought about surgery?

Shut up. Shut up.

No,

no, no celebrating.

No celebrating.

To 20 million.

To a job well done. To us.

To the best brother and sister team since... Romeo and Juliet?

Did you believe those cockney klutzes bought our story?

What morons! I want you to know something, Otto.

What? Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you.

Make the call.

No. No Italian!

Make the call, Otto.

Are you really Italian?

Goodbye,

George. Yes, I wonder if you could put me through to the police.

Yes, hello.

Sorry to trouble you, but I thought it might interest you to know that the

Hatton Garden robbery today was pulled off by a Mr George Thomason who lives at

Flat 3, Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London, West 9.

Wonder?

Open up.

Come on, open up.

Open the door or we'll knock it down.

George Francis Thomason.

Passport. Tickets.

Money.

Careful!

We're rich, Wanda.

Yep.

But these last two weeks with me have been the most exciting two weeks of your

life.

You said it.

Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?

What are you doing?

I'm thinking.

Thinking what I'm going to do to him.

First I'll hang him up with piano wire.

Then I'll... Where are you going? I'm going to talk to him.

Then I... Talk to who?

Talk to who?

So in the course of installing these windows to be apparent, you were

on the floor where there was broken glass from the pain that you'd dropped.

That's right, sir.

And your mother and father can confirm this?

Yes, and his aunt, Georgina Thomas.

Good, Bartlett.

Yes?

Sorry to interrupt you, sir.

Thomas, then.

Young lady, I'll see you. Anything else?

No, that's everything for the moment, thanks. You don't have to doubt that.

no, no.

George,

Ken's got the fish food. He'll be in later.

Frank, don't know how to.

What do you think, Mr Leach? Well, I think we may be all right in a glass,

what else are they going to come up with?

Leave it out, okay?

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

You stayed at my place.

We slept late.

You made me breakfast.

What?

What are you doing here?

He wanted to see you.

Who did it, George?

Kevin Delaney?

You want me to rub him out?

Anything. You name it.

I have friends making inquiries. Good.

The jewels are very safe.

If I get sent down, it all gets handed back to cut my sentence.

Now, to cut my sentence even more, I could tell them who done it with me if I

wasn't very happy about everything.

What was the middle thing?

Now.

George.

You don't think.

Do you?

No.

No.

No.

Thanks a lot. Bye.

Have a good day.

So? Well, he's not sure it was you. That's something, I guess.

What about you?

No, no, no. He believes me. That's why he can't figure out about you.

Figure out what? Whether you turned him in or not, stupid.

Don't ever,

ever, ever call me stupid.

It's George's lawyer.

The other guy must be the barrister.

So? Trust me.

Farley, you let me know if anything unexpected.

Yes. Excuse me.

Don't I recognize you?

No, no, I don't think so.

Oh.

But you are a famous barrister, aren't you?

Well, hardly.

Well, could I have your autograph anyway?

Yes, yes, certainly.

Thanks.

I'm studying aspects of your legal system.

I'm American.

Oh, really?

I've only just started, though. It's fascinating.

What brings you here?

Oh, it's a little embarrassing. I have a friend.

Oh. Oh, I see. Well, there you are.

I knew it.

You're Archie Leach.

Leach. Right.

I saw you in court two weeks ago.

The casino break -in? Oh, you were great.

Oh,

I'm a big fan of yours. I love the way you cross -examine.

Oh, I really admire your work.

Thank you.

I better not keep you anymore. No, no, fine.

Right, right.

Well.

Thank you for this.

I'll treasure it.

Au revoir.

You speak French, too.

What's going on?

Whatever George decides to do, he's going to tell Leach first.

Why?

Because he's his lawyer.

Yeah, yeah, I know that.

So I'm going to get to know Mr. Leach.

George is going to tell him what the diamonds are.

That's what I'm going to find out.

You done well.

Don't tell Wanda anything.

Otto might get something.

No. You're going to get enough money. Sure, don't worry

about it, Ken. We'll fix it now.

It'll be on Otto.

You watch him.

Ken!

Looks like the police have been all over it.

Let me just change clothes and then I'll help you look.

Hello,

k -k -k -kins, p -p -p -pets.

Hey!

Wake up!

Wake up, limey fish!

So, how are you going to get friendly with this lawyer?

I don't know. I'll improvise.

I thought Englishmen didn't like women, the way they talk.

He's kind of cute, too, in a pompous sort of way.

You got the hots for him?

I'm not into necrophilia, thanks.

What is this, hump -a -limey week, suddenly?

Otto doesn't approve.

Otto might get jealous.

E molto pericoloso, signorina.

Molto pericoloso.

Spigot, spigot!

Yes,

yes,

yes. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, not here. Otto, no, not here. Not

here, Otto.

No, not here.

Otto, no!

God, Ken, it's you. I thought it might have been the police again. Isn't it

horrible about George? Oh, Ben, I have such a bad headache. Could you run

to the corner and get me some aspirin or something?

What's that?

That's my brother. He's in the bathroom.

What? We just went and saw George.

It was horrible, Ken. It was just horrible.

Isn't it terrible about George?

When I find the bastard who squealed.

I love that man!

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Wanda was upset, Ken. She needed to talk to family.

She just had a shower.

I've got to speak to you.

Are you okay, Nasa? I'm fine. Thanks for coming.

Just call me if you need me again. Okay, thanks.

What's the matter with you, Ken?

Can't you think about her feelings?

There's something funny going on. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

You don't even know why you're excited, do you? I saw the... Ken, Ken, Ken!

I didn't want to say anything while George was around, but isn't it time you

faced up to certain realities, Ken?

Come on.

You're a very attractive man, Ken.

You're smart.

You've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.

We could have a lot of fun together, you and I.

And I think we'd be really good for each other.

What do you say?

You might be good.

May I kiss you, Ken? No, can you fucking... Just a pet!

No time!

Ken!

Ken!

Ken!

Ken!

Okay, you didn't realize I was gay. Okay, look,

I'm sorry.

I've handled this badly.

Look.

The physical side can wait.

You need time.

But you think about it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Ken!

Somebody just called.

They said that the police... No, that the loot is in a garage in Fulham

somewhere. You and I have to go get it right now, Ken. You and I have to go

it before the police find out where it is. No, no, no.

It's all right. What?

George?

Moved?

George moved the lute?

Yes.

Where did he move it, Ken? Where did he move it?

I

don't

know where it is. There's a key. I don't know what it's for.

It's in the...

If it wasn't for George.

No.

Otto.

George.

I thought he might.

No.

Nothing. No marks at all.

But it is his safety deposit, Buck. Oh, yes, but it could be anyone in England.

There are millions of them.

Hotels, banks, offices.

Sorry.

Thank you.

That's him.

That's him, Inspector.

He's the one who tried to murder my dogs.

Davidson.

There's an American legal student here. I want him to see me for a moment. What

time, Sir John, do you? Half past twelve. Right.

Come

in.

Hi. Very nice to see you.

Am I interrupting?

Absolutely not.

Really? No, not really.

Delighted to see you. Hello.

So, this is the place, huh?

This is it. Very nice.

I was over at the court this morning. Boy, it's fascinating.

Really? So much to know. You like it? Everybody wears these. Do you wear one?

Ridiculous.

Well, um, I only have a few minutes.

Sure, sorry.

I'm sorry. But, you know, till then, I'm all yours. I just have a couple

questions. Uh -huh.

I'm having a little problem understanding preliminary criminal

What exactly is the committal?

Ah, interesting.

Well, basically, it's a preliminary investigation where the prosecution

primary safety evidence that the accused has a case to answer for trial.

Well, that's what it says in the book. Let's just take, for example.

My friend, George Thomason. Right.

Now, when he goes into his committal on Wednesday, he'll... Thomason?

Yes.

George Thomason?

Yes. Do you know him?

I'm defending him.

What are you talking about?

I'm his barrister.

Lawyer.

Oh, great!

That's so weird, though. Isn't that weird?

Oh, I'm so happy. It's you that's defending him. Thank you.

He's sure to get off now.

Wow. Well, I can watch you work now.

Please.

Amazing. Well, anyway, at the committal, George would then plead... Not guilty.

Really? Oh, yes, the evidence against him is largely circumstantial. Well, but

there was a...

An identification, wasn't there?

Ah, true, but a very elderly lady.

I think they've got the wrong man.

You don't think he did it?

No.

Well, let's just say, for argument's sake, that you did think he did it.

if further evidence against him came to light, for example.

Right, right. You would then advise him to plead guilty and turn over the jewels

to get his sentence cut.

And he would turn them over to who? To you?

Are you ready?

Yes, yes.

Well, I'm so sorry. I've forgotten your name.

Wanda. Wanda. Well,

Wanda, there are really three...

Not Wanda Gershwitz.

Yes. Oh, my God.

What? His alibi.

I can't talk to you.

Why not?

My dear young lady, you're a defence witness. I'm sorry. I must ask you to

immediately. I'm so sorry.

What did I say?

Well, it's not ethical for me to talk to a witness.

Everybody does it in America.

Well, not in England. It's strictly forbidden. Please, I must insist.

I may have to give up the case. I'm sorry.

Please.

You knew the minute I walked in here.

Hello?

Sir John is here. Right, show him in, please.

I want you to make love with me.

Pardon? Nothing, nothing.

He's pleading not guilty.

So you're safe until the trial.

Leach doesn't think he did it.

Ken says there's a safe deposit box key, but only George knows where it is.

Thank you, Wanda.

What have you found out?

Not a lot.

You realize you can court tomorrow?

No, I know that.

So nothing, huh?

Oh,

it's too big. No, it isn't, Portia. It is enormous.

No, it isn't. Oh, please, Mother. No, absolutely not. I'm so miserable and you

just don't care.

Oh, shut up.

All day is people complaining to me.

Oh, dear.

Eccle warm.

Le due couple grande della cattedrale di Milano.

Benito Mussolini.

Where is the Vatican?

I want you to speak to her about plastic surgery.

Hmm? Oh, I do wish you'd listen to me. I want you to speak to Portia. Oh, right.

I'll have her over there in the morning.

Good night, Archie.

Good night, Archie.

Good night, Wanda.

Good night who?

Oh, sorry, darling. Just some stupid case I've got tomorrow with some lousy

hag.

Are you George?

Francis Thomson, Kipling Mansions, Murray Avenue, London, 39.

Yes, sir.

Charged one of armed robbery.

Sit down, Mr Thomson.

Are we ready for a committal today, Mr Percival? Yes, it will be under section

-2, madam.

That is correct, 6 -2. Here are the statements, all to be fully bound,

Stand up there, Mr Thomson.

You are hereby committed to stand trial at the Central Criminal Court.

There is some urgency about this case, Madam, as the main witness, Mrs Eileen

Cody, is elderly and has had serious heart difficulties recently.

Is there any possibility that this case might be put down for an early trial?

That will be to the Listening Office at the Old Bailey, Mr Percival.

Take him down to the cell, please.

How you doing? Ooh, you look great. I love your hair.

You have time for a coffee?

Oh, no, I've got to go. Have you thought about it, though?

One thing, though. Why did he give you this?

Eileen Cody, 69 Basil Street.

What does he want you to do?

Send her flowers?

Do her shopping?

Show her a good time?

Rub her out? He wants you to rub her out?

No,

no. He's going to kill her!

I'll kill you.

Limey fruits!

So the old lady's gonna meet with an accident, eh? Can?

What's so funny? The thing is, wasting old ladies isn't nice.

But it's better than buggering people.

I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.

Well, let's think.

Thursday's hopeless.

I'll tell you what. My wife's going to the office Friday evening. I could have

look at it then, give you a call at the office Saturday morning. I'd really

appreciate that.

Thanks, Archie. Bye. Bye.

Hi.

I know we're not allowed to talk.

Give me a call.

I can't.

Please?

I'm not allowed to speak.

You don't have to.

I don't want you for your conversation.

What happened? Got a date Friday.

My dogs will be having their nap.

Nice doggy.

Nice doggy.

Potter, what are you doing?

It's a Buddhist meditation technique.

It focuses your aggression.

The monks used to do it before they went into battle.

What kind of Buddhism is this?

Asshole!

It's an early tantric meditation.

What is this?

In order to get information, I just might have to get friendly with him.

Well, we're ready now, at last.

Oh, good. Well, enjoy the opera, darling. Your supper's in the fridge,

Oh, marvellous. Thanks so much.

Be good.

When you say friendly, what are we talking about here?

Cordial?

Courteous?

Supportive? What? I don't know.

Let's just see what happens.

So, friendly might include actual, what, penetration? Look, I don't need your

jealousy now.

Jealousy? Yes.

Hey, I'm merely curious.

Me, jealous of that?

What about my tits?

Does he get to handle them? Yes. That's my forecast.

I'll stand by that.

Nuzzling? I think $20 million is worth a little nuzzling. 80 % chance there.

Sucking? I thought you weren't jealous. I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy.

It's for the weak.

One thing, though.

Touch his dick and he's dead.

I told your father to get the car serviced. Aren't we going then? Oh, do

up, Portra.

Do you despise me?

No, that's not a word that leaps to mind.

Can I stay, then?

Of course. Look, Wanda... I know.

Your wife's coming back. No, no, it's not her. She'll be gone for hours. It's

about what I said to you.

It is all right for us to speak.

Provided that we don't discuss the case.

Oh.

Oh, fine.

It's just that if anyone saw us talking... Oh, but they won't.

Sorry if I think... Oh, you're the best, Archie.

No.

Whiskey. You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen

in my entire life.

Get me my drink.

If George decides to change his plea, he'd tell you where the loot is first,

wouldn't he?

Mm -hmm.

Darling, we mustn't talk about the trial, okay?

I know. I just meant theoretically.

Mm -hmm.

Kiss me there.

Oh, theoretically.

Um... No.

I should have found out once to change his plea and his instructions to his

legal representative.

The normal procedure.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's wonderful, Archie.

What? What's wrong? You're getting me so hot.

I need something to drink.

Something cold? Maybe in the fridge?

Champagne?

She'll be here.

What are you doing here?

Relax. Get the fuck out of here, Otto.

I heard moaning. I was worried. I was faking it, you stupid jerk. Don't ever

call me stupid.

And I'm not jealous. Then leave.

Okay.

Nice place.

Don't touch his dick.

There isn't any ice.

Champagne.

What's the matter?

What are you doing?

Champagne, dear, to welcome you home.

Let me pour you a glass.

Mocking the drive.

There you are, dear. Cheers.

Well, nice to see you again. How was the opera, then? It finished early, didn't

it? Whose car is it?

Mine.

It's a beauty, isn't it?

Where did I leave my drink, Archie? Ah.

Don't you know?

How do you do, Mrs. Leach?

I'm Harvey Manfred Johnson.

I'm with the CIA.

CIA? That's correct, ma 'am.

I was just telling your husband here before I had to go to your beautiful

bathroom. We've got a high -ranking KGB defector in a safe house near here.

We're debriefing him as of now, and we're just checking all the houses in

neighborhood. For what?

For KGB.

Is there any danger?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No,

no, not now. We just want to keep everyone informed.

So... Archie, thanks for the drink.

Sorry to have troubled you, folks. I'll see myself out. Keep everyone informed.

So there's no panic, ma 'am. But isn't it a secret?

You have no idea how secret.

Well, why are you telling everyone?

It's a smoke screen.

What?

Double bluff.

Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an

XK Red 27 technique.

My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfred Jensen, and I know... perfectly

well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are debriefing

defectors in a safe house.

Oh, you don't, huh?

Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.

Don't call me stupid.

Why not not?

Oh, you English are so superior, aren't you?

Well, would you like to know where you'd be without us, the old U .S. of A., to

protect you? I'll tell you.

the smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire.

That's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me. Well, thank you for

popping in and protecting us.

If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German.

Singing... My brother, he's coming for me. Get rid of your wife and get my

necklace. Necklace, right, right. I'll think of something to get rid of. Who

you talking to?

Myself, darling.

Well, who was that shouting?

The brother of a friend of mine. Oh. Archie, who on earth?

I don't know.

Extraordinary. He rang the bell and I opened the door. Well, let's go to the

pub. What?

Let's go to the pub. Get a drink there. Would you like to come, Portia? I

haven't been to the pub for 15 years. No, well, it'd be rather nice for Portia

to see it now, wouldn't it, darling? Honestly, Archie.

What on earth is the matter?

I thought the picture was falling off the wall. Will you pull yourself

No, it's all right. It's quite secure now. Can you do what's first?

Oh, yes, thanks, Portia. Well, well done. OK, coming with us. What was that?

kind of necklace.

What's going on?

Nothing, dear. Right, let's go.

Can I see that?

What? In your hand.

Your other hand.

Portia, go to your room. Oh, we're going to the park. Darling, I can explain

everything. I left some papers at the office. Now! And they sent a new girl

over. Oh, oh. No, really, she's Canadian and she mentions it was her birthday.

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh,

it's even got a worth of Wendy.

Oh. I'm so glad you like it.

It's the most beautiful thing you've ever given me.

Oh, aren't you? This isn't like you.

Are you fucking crazy?

Hey, I saved your ass. I had him right where I wanted him, you asshole.

Hey, hey.

I give you one thing to do out of one fucking thing. You're supposed to drive

here and... Shut up.

Oh, relax.

Hello?

Hold on.

It's for you.

Hello?

Not at the moment, no.

Yes, well, I'm not quite sure when I'll be able to get hold of that.

Yes, yes, I do appreciate that. Yes, as soon as possible.

Well, that would be very nice, obviously.

So, see you soon, I hope.

Bye, Frank.

We therefore commit its body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to

ashes, dust to dust.

Who's it for, then?

A fish.

A Frenchman. A phone operator.

Friend. Oh, a four -legged one?

Where's my sister?

She's in the... Thank you.

Levitry. Wanda!

Anything? What? No.

Why are you here?

I'm here because I'm bored.

Bored wandering around this god -awful city, shoving George's ugly pic...

snotty, stuck -up, intellectually inferior British faggot Jesus, they're

uptight. They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing

there with their hair clenched, just... counting the seconds till the weekend so

that they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a

the flat at four to be St... To be honest, I, uh,

hate them. I mean...

Pretending they're so fucking lawyer.

Superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful speaking voice when it works.

Son of a bitch!

So, uh, want to have some lunch?

You heard from him?

Oh, Archie.

No, I have to finish my hair.

No. Nothing?

No plans to see him.

No. Okay, bye!

What? Well, it wasn't theirs to sell, you see. An old lady gave it to them to

engraved, and she's about 80 and dying. It's a great sentimental value. And

somebody put it in the display cabinet.

What's their problem? Well, not really, darling, because legally they can't...

You paid for it. Yes, well, they do accept their mistake, darling, and

why they're offering you this to replace it. You see, it's over three times as

valuable. This is the nicest thing you've ever given me, which I absolutely

love, and now you want me to give it back and replace it with something

vulgar. No, I don't want you to give it back. Well, they can't have it. Wendy.

No. Wendy. No!

Tell them they can't have it!

You're the bloody barrister!

Hello. Hello.

Oh, Archie.

It's just beautiful.

Oh, my God, look.

Oh,

Archie, it's beautiful.

Isn't it wonderful?

Whose is it?

Belongs to someone at the chambers.

And where are they?

Hong Kong.

Huh? Oh.

Gone for a week.

Nice rug.

May I?

What? What are you doing? The poker, I think.

You make me feel free.

Free?

Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English?

Being so correct all the time and so rightful by the...

the wrong thing of saying to someone, are you married? And hearing that my

left me this morning. Or saying, do you have children? And being told they all

burned to death on Wednesday.

You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment.

That's why we're so dead.

Most of my friends are dead, you know. We have these piles of corpses to

But you're alive.

I'm a good lover.

At least, used to be back in the early 14th century.

Can we go to bed?

Here.

Hang on.

Weren't you hurt?

Oh, I think I

love you.

Can I ask you a question?

Anything. Where's my locket?

I couldn't get it. What?

Or Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look, I got you this instead.

No,

Archie, I have to have mine.

What's in that?

Why?

My mother gave it to me.

I'll get it for you. You promise?

I'll think of something.

Sex is very, very difficult for me with somebody that I don't trust completely.

I promise I'll get it, okay?

Oh, I love you, Archie.

I've loved you ever since the first second I saw you.

What was that?

What?

Brother didn't bring you here this time, did he? No.

He's no idea?

He doesn't have a clue.

What?

He is so dumb.

Really? He thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

Oh, those terrible lies he told about the CIA.

And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia? Yeah.

Why did they name her after a car?

I love the way you laugh.

I love you. You're funny.

How come a girl as bright as you could have a brother who's so... Don't call me

stupid.

Jesus Christ!

Totally deranged?

You pompous, duck -up, snot -nosed, English,

giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck -faced, dickhead, asshole!

How very interesting.

You're a true Bulgarian, aren't you? You're the Bulgarian, you fuck!

Now apologize!

What, me to you?

Apologize.

All right, all right, I apologize.

You're really sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.

You take it back. I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction.

The imputation was totally without basis in fact and was in no way fair comment

and was motivated purely by malice. And I deeply regret any distress that my

comments may have caused you or your family.

and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is

and if they're going to come and arrest you, and you'll come loping in like

Rambo without a jockstrap, and you dangle him out a fifth -floor window.

Now, was that smart?

Okay. Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics, or was it stupid?

Don't call me stupid.

Oh, right. To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but

you think... You're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Apes don't read philosophy.

Yes, they do, Otto. They just don't understand it.

Now, let me correct you on a couple things, okay?

Aristotle was not Belgian.

The central message of Buddhism is not every man for himself.

And London Underground is not a political movement.

Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

Now.

You have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you

rich.

So what are you going to do about it, huh?

What would an intellectual do?

What would Plato do?

Apologize. Pardon me?

Apologize. What?

Apologize! Right!

I'm sorry.

No.

Not to me. To Archie. And make it good, or we're dead.

Very, very, very, very... Fuck you!

I'm... I'm very, very... I'm so very...

Very, very, very...

Very scary.

He just happens to be a very good friend of mine. Otto!

He's going to be very pleased with me when he finds you all tied up and ready

for the pole.

And don't call me Otto.

To you, I am Mr.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you.

How could I know it was you?

How could you expect me to guess?

You stupid jerk. I mean, what the fuck are you doing robbing your own house,

asshole? You stupid, stiff, pompous English.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Uh...

Speak to me.

Are you hurt?

Can't you speak?

Archie! Archie, what has happened?

Archie, we've been burgled.

Oh, no!

Well, are you hurt?

No, I'm fine. Bit of a headache. I came in here, somebody hit me, tied me up

with a... My God, is that the time?

What? I didn't realise it was quite so late.

What? I'm late for a conference, dear. A conference? You've just been attacked!

No, it's nothing, darling. I must fly. Sorry.

Archie! I'll help you tidy up when I get back.

Oh, hello, Portia. What's happened?

Your father has finally gone completely mental.

Thank you so much champagne

To what?

Well, I went back to the house and get... Let's make love.

Well, if you absolutely insist.

No. What?

Here. On the rug.

I'll be right back.

Get undressed.

Why not?

Why not, indeed?

Afterwards.

Yeah?

Let's go to South America.

What?

Let's fly to South America.

Why South America?

Okay. Iceland.

What do you really want out of life, Wanda?

I don't know.

Why do I like you so much?

Archie. Hmm?

Do you speak Italian?

I am Italian.

But it's such an ugly language.

How about Russian?

Are you rich?

No, no, I'm afraid not.

What about the house?

Oh, that's Wendy. She's the rich one.

... ... ...

...

What the hell are you doing?

I might ask you the same question.

Who are you?

What? Get your clothes on. Will you leave immediately, please?

What? You're in the wrong flat.

This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour. He's in Hong Kong and he lent me the

Now get out!

We leased it from the agents last weekend.

Yes, well, obviously that changes things a bit.

Aren't you Archie Leach?

What? You bought our house in Littleton Garden.

Hazel and Ian Johnson.

What a coincidence!

How nice to see you!

I can't see you anymore. I've got to end it. Sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

Archie?

No, no.

Please. Look, I want to apologize.

I just finished it, all right? Okay, okay, wait. I just want to wait. Where

you going? I want to speak with you. I just ended it, for Christ's sake, all

right? Will you leave me alone? Just wait.

You just ended it, all right? Wait, wait. I just want to say I'm sorry. It's

over, okay? It's all over. It's all over. It's all right.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Calm down. Shut up.

Please believe me. It's all right. No, don't beat me up again, please. Listen.

No, no. I had a terrible day. Will you shut up? Oh, Jesus Christ. Christ, don't

kill me, please.

Shut up, then.

Okay.

Look, I just want to apologize sincerely for what?

Well, when I dangled you out the window, I'm really, really... Well, it was not

a nice thing to do.

And then when I attacked you in there, well, I'm really, really... How could I

know you were trying to rob your own house?

I was just trying to help.

I wanted you to trust me.

It was my fault. It was my fault.

That's true.

Now, about my sister.

Look, she's a very sexy girl. I understand you wanting to play around

It's okay. I was wrong. I'm sorry I was jealous. Just go ahead.

Pork away, pal.

Fucker blue.

I like you, Archie.

I just want to help.

Now, here's the plan. You get four tickets for this evening for we are

Then...

Or we get rid of Votter later. Then back to the flat.

Pack. Collect me. Then to the Catcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels.

Something's fucking me!

Bumblebee!

I can't believe it! It's just the

same.

no she uh she just uh uh left oh and also you owe me up uh

you owe me up

George will be out this afternoon.

We all go up to Heathrow, collect the loot, and then vroom!

All thanks to me.

So the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?

What's happening?

I asked him some questions while I eat my chips.

First, who is the philosopher who developed the concept of the Superman in

Sprach Zarathustra?

No?

That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Next, in which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based

on cruelty?

Are you thinking or are you in mid -stutter?

You're awful.

Bad.

Beyond good and evil.

Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken?

Okay. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds?

I'll give you a clue.

Somewhere around the airport.

Um... No hassle. It's plenty of time, Ken.

I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me.

The English contribution to world cuisine.

The chip.

What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting?

Wait a moment!

It's fish, isn't it?

Not Wanda, anyway.

I'm going to call her Lunch.

Hello, Lunch.

Hello.

You.

Avoid the green ones.

They're not ripe yet.

Now, you were in court, were you not, Inspector, when the forensic evidence

read? Yes, sir.

And the fact that Mr. Thomason was installing windows the previous weekend

account, would it not, Inspector, for the presence of small particles of glass

on his trousers?

No hurry, Inspector. Please do take your time.

I'm almost full.

Almost. Stop!

Skeleton time!

What are the names of those hotels that are right by the airport, Ken? What are

they? The Airway Sheraton? The Post House? The Cathcart Towers?

The Cathcart Towers?

Yes!

In a safe deposit box?

Yes.

Where's the key?

Sorry, Ken, but your answer was incorrect.

Still, you really did think it was in there, didn't you?

What?

Hello?

I know where the diamonds are.

Where?

Where's the key?

How soon can you get to George's apartment?

Are you Wanda Gershwitz of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London, West 9th?

Yes. Now, will you tell the court, please, how do you know the defendant?

We've had a relationship for two years.

Relationship?

We're lovers, Your Lord.

Gershwitz, on the fourth... of March of this year, in the morning.

Where were you?

I was at the apartment at Murray Road.

And were you by yourself, or was there anyone else present?

No, somebody else was there.

Who was that?

My brother.

And did your... Your brother?

My brother.

Yes.

Yes. And are you quite sure it was your brother?

Mr. Leach, I'm sure Miss Gershwitz can recognize her brother.

She's had a relationship with him all her life.

I must reply to my Lord.

Was there anyone else present that morning?

Yes, George was there.

Thank you. But he left about five to seven.

Wonderful.

I wonder...

Yes,

Mr. Leitch?

Wendy, I wonder, I wonder... When you say five to seven,

Ms. Gershwin, how can you be so sure?

Oh, I looked at the clock, because I was saying to myself... Where could he be

going at five to seven with that sawed -off shotgun?

Darling!

Mr. Leach.

Darling? Yes, dear?

You bitch!

You fucking bitch!

Restrain that man!

You've been hit.

You made it. Good.

Bit of a knock, I'm afraid.

I have never been so humiliated in my life.

You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.

I'll see you in court.

Did you hear what I said?

Fuck off.

What's she up to, George? Who are you up to?

You called her darling.

And Wanda.

I've been helping to get her evidence straight, you burk. It slipped out.

You've been coaching her.

What do you think? Look, George, we've got ten minutes.

They're going to find you guilty, right?

Now, if you plead guilty now, tell them where the loot is. You may get away

with... Eight years, out in five and a half.

What if I tell them about Otto and Wanda?

They both did it? Yeah.

Great. All right. Maybe six years, out in four.

So where are the diamonds?

Where's Bartlett?

He's upstairs trying to count things down. So where are they?

Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.

George, it'd be a lot quicker if you told me.

Okay, I'll tell Bob.

Where's Ken?

He's at the flat.

Come on. What? Let's go.

Where? Buenos Aires.

What? We're going to George's flat first.

Get in.

Got your passport?

Yeah. Right.

Check the briefcase online.

So here's that.

So, you robbed the jewelers, turned one of your lovers over to the police, kept

the other one on to help you find the diamonds, and when he dies, you commit

perjury in the high court, right? Come on, Archie, everybody does it in

Well, not in this country, they don't. Oh, right, like nobody lies in England,

like Margaret Thatcher never lied. Look, you lied to me right from the moment we

met, right from the... Archie, you just wanted to get me to bed. I fell in love

with you.

How come you dumped me, then?

I wasn't rich enough, remember?

Is there something in Russian?

No.

What are you thinking, Archer? I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I

should take you to South America with me.

How about...

Because I have the key to the safety deposit box.

That's a good reason.

What do we do about Otto? I'll handle Otto.

Be careful he's dangerous.

Who am I?

Keep it running.

Why'd you bring him?

No. I'm beginning to think you like that. Otto, just wait a minute, okay?

get the diamond. Just wait a minute.

Are you... How do you do? I'm George Sparrows.

What's happened?

Oh!

Bloody hell! All right, then.

Archie!

Where have they gone?

Are you all right?

Where have they gone?

Have you

got a stutter?

OK, come on.

Don't worry, don't worry. Do you know where they've gone?

Fine, fine. Where?

Hotel.

Hotel?

Which hotel?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, come on! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Um...

Cathcart Towers Hotel?

Cathcart Towers Hotel.

Where is it?

Ken, where is it? Where?

He... He... Again, again.

He's very important.

Wait for Rio.

Rio, Channel 4.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Excuse me, sir.

I'll be right back.

Aisle or window, smoking or non -smoking.

What was the middle one? Anything and non -smoking is fine, thank you.

Gate 14 is boarding now.

Rio! Otto, look back. There's a cop right behind us. Quick!

Yes, we can just do it, Mr. Leach. All right.

Luggage?

Don't really need any.

Gate 14, quick.

Ciao, stupidissimo.

Archie, pick up the phone.

Mister. Airport security.

May I see your boarding pass, please?

Oh, yes, certainly.

Very good. Now, would you mind stepping over here, please?

Oh, look, the Queen.

Well.

Keep your hands up. No!

Put them up.

I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.

Put the other one up!

Which looks better?

I'm warning you, Otto.

What are you going to do, Archie?

Shoot me?

Gun me down in cold blood like a dog?

That's right, Otto. I used the box for Oxford. Were you?

Well, I needed to kill for the CIA. Now, get your hands up.

No.

You mindless bimbo.

Now, out.

I'm going to have to shoot you now, Archie.

But I've got a little time before my plane leaves, and I'm longing to

you. So get in that barrel.

A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken, sexually repressed

hooligans.

Goodbye, Archie.

Well, at least we're not irretrievably vulgar.

You know your problem?

You don't like winners.

Winners? Yeah.

Winners. Winners like North Vietnam?

Shut up!

We did not lose Vietnam.

It was a tie.

I'm telling you, baby, they kicked a little ass there, boy.

You and me, what are you -

Okay. Two.

Gorbachev.

Glazunov.

Molotov.

Leonis.

Uh, Lenin.

Pushkin. Chicken Kiev.

Good.

Dostoevsky.

Rubles.

Vladivostok.