Original subtitles

[footsteps approach]

You, uh, got a minute, boss?

Actually, I'm kind of busy.

I'm pushing new code on an API for this e-comm platform.

"I am from the future.

I am a handsome robot."

Look, I-I wouldn't bother you with this

if I didn't think it was important.

Okay. Just make it quick.

That's my specialty.

Ask any woman I've ever been with.

I will call them both.

What do you got?

Behold your new

coffee mug.

[imitates crowd cheering]

What?

Remember? You asked me to look for new mugs for your office.

What do you think?

Well, there's a hole on the top

and no hole on the bottom.

Nailed it.

Thanks.

Uh, so, uh, what do you want written on it?

Written on it?

Uh, your choices are

"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."

I don't know. Just... Joe.

Excellent choice.

Although... what if you hire a guy named Joe?

I-I think the temptation for these mugs

to walk out the door is a little too high.

Fine. Just write "Coffee" on it.

Great! Uh, coffee in the mug,

and coffee on the mug. Love it!

Oh, uh...

but, uh, let me run this past you:

"Java the Mug."

You know, because of Star Wars.

Stop!

Right. Right.

You're busy. [laughs]

Oh! Uh, one last thing.

Oh, good God! Alan,

I hired you as my assistant

so I don't have to think about things like this.

Oh, yeah, I know,

but I want to do a good job for you.

I mean, you're gonna look at this every day

and I don't want you to hate it.

That does happen with things

I look at every day.

Okay, so one final question:

do you want your mug to be left-handed or right-handed?

You're kidding, right?

No, some people hold 'em in their left hand,

some people hold 'em in their right hand.

Mm-hmm.

[dramatic gasp] Wow.

Okay. Okay.

Changing your mug from "World's Greatest Boss"

to "World's Smartest Boss."Okay.

I'm gonna go pee.

Oh, oh, as long as you're in the bathroom, uh,

I left three different types of toilet tissue in there for you.

Uh, let me know which one is best.

Oh! And the brown one is not a joke.

"Hire me, Walden. I can be your assistant."

You know what your mug should say? "World's Worst Employee."

Oh, World's Second Worst Employee.

Hey, nap time's over.

I'm not napping.

I threw my back out.

My God, are you okay? What happened?

It seized up when I was climbing into your bed to take a nap.

Okay, uh, everything's gonna be okay.

Just... relax.

Alan, get up here!

Why are you calling Zippy?

He's a chiropractor-- he can help.

[laughs] Oh, stop.

It hurts when I laugh. [chuckles] Oh.

Has this happened before?

Once. At a bike rally in Sturgis.

Me and a couple of Hells Angels decided to drop acid

and get naked.

Alan!

What's going on?

Is something wrong?

Berta threw her back out.

Oh, no. What should we do?

Well, I called a chiropractor.

Great.

Oh, me! Oh...

Duh. [chuckles]

Well, uh, let's see what we got here.

Where's the pain?

Standing in front of me asking stupid questions.

Berta, be nice. Alan's a doctor.

[laughing]: Oh. Oh.

Yes, yes, ha-ha.

But I can help you.

Although I am legally obligated to tell you

my license has expired.

But thankfully backs haven't changed that much

since my unsuccessful board review. [chuckles]

So, uh, you can't move at all?

Every time I do, it tightens up more.

Oh, sounds like a classic back spasm.

You probably just need bed rest and ice, uh,

but, just in case, let me see if you need a spinal adjustment.

Touch me and you die.

[quietly]: She may also need an attitude adjustment.

Okay, I'll call my doctor and have him come take a look.

[scoffs] Western medicine. He'll probably just prescribe pain killers.

Call him.

I will. In the meantime,

you stay here as long as you need.

I'll take the guest room.

Why? My back's out but my front still works.

Be like Sturgis all over again.

[chuckles] Oh...

Morning.

Hey.

Hey, were you alone last night?

Yeah, why?

Because from 11:15 to 11:22,

all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,

that's the way Daddy likes it."

Oh, um...

Uh, right, the-the walls are really thin,

uh, between my bedroom and the guest room,

and I-I was watching TV.

Hmm.

So the same show came on again at 1:30

and then again at 4:15?

Huh. [scoffs]

Weird. [chuckles]

Can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

What is wrong with Daddy?

He's lonely, okay?

Can you just let it go?

I should ask you the same question.

What are you doing?

Well, since Berta is incapacitated,

I have taken the initiative to design and build a chore wheel.

What is a chore wheel?

It is a wheel with a variety of chores on the outside

and names on the inside.

I got the idea from my brother Charlie,

who had a whore wheel.

The only name on it is "Walden."

Ah, that's because it was my chore to make the chore wheel.

And your first chore

is...

"cleaning Alan's room."

[sucks air through teeth] Ooh.

That's gonna be tough after last night.

Maybe you should have Daddy do it.

Whoa, somebody found my stash.

Wasn't hard. It was right here in this box

that says "Not Pot." [chuckles]

Very clever.

I didn't want anybody to find my pot.

I was about to write, uh,

"This Box Contains Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"

but then I thought, "What if this magic marker

"is actually magic and it turns my pot

into poisonous jumping bugs?"

[chuckles]

I was really high.

Uh, you know, I-I really don't think it's a good idea

to mix marijuana with muscle relaxers.

Oh, those pills are long gone.

What? You had a good two weeks' worth.

Or a great one night's worth. [chuckles]

Oh, bacon.

You guys take such good care of me.

That's because you take good care of us.

That's because I love you guys.

I love you more. Shh!

How's your back feeling?

Actually, a lot better.

I think I'm ready to go back to work.

Oh, really? So you can get up?

Absolutely. [chuckles]

Am I up?

No.

Damn.

How 'bout now?

Yep, looking good.

Told you.

Hey! Bacon!

Why do these have windows?

I don't need to see inside.

I trust 'em to wash and dry the clothes.

You know, when you think about it,

a lot of appliances have windows.

Ovens,

microwaves.

Wait a minute. Are we watching them or are they watching us?

Got a little contact high in there with Berta,

did you? Shh!

[whispers]: Not in front of the washer.

Hey, how old do you think Berta is anyway?

I don't even know her last name.

You know, I'm just thinkin', I mean, she hurt her back.

It's taking her a while to recover.

I mean, maybe this job's just getting to be too much for her.

Really?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, she's not getting any younger,

and it's a pretty labor-intensive job.

Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?

Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges

to make the tree look bigger?

Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.

Well, when the police raid the house

and find a drawer full of boys' underwear,

that's not gonna be good for any of us.

Neither is a drawer full of pot.

That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.

So are you saying you think it's time for Berta to retire?

I don't know. Everyone slows down eventually.

Mmm, maybe you're right.

Maybe it's time to put the old girl out to pasture.

Send her off to the housekeeper farm upstate.

That might not be the best way to tell her.

What? The-the farm is a beautiful place.

She can run out in the fields with all the other housekeepers.

There's sponges and fabric softener

as far as the eye can see.

And the only dishes left in the sink are made of chocolate.

I may be a little stoned, too.

You ever hear about the roommate farm?

Berta.

We got a little surprise for you.

Chuck Norris?

Fried chicken, cheesecake and beer.

That's what my first husband requested for his last meal.

Am I dying?

Oh, don't be silly.

Do you like farms?

What? WALDEN: Oh.

I-I think what he's trying to say is,

have you ever thought about hanging up the old toilet brush?

Raising that vest up to the rafters?

Oh, my God, you're firing me.

[chuckles] No. I-I would never fire you.

I'm talking about retirement.

Just kicking back,

taking it easy, getting high every day.

I do that now.

Besides, I can't afford to retire.

Well, what about that pension plan I set up for you?

I'll tell you what happened to it: life.

Your house needs a new roof,

your grandson needs braces,

your daughter's meth lab explodes.

What were you planning on doing,

working for the rest of your life?

Nah, I thought about, uh, getting a villa in Tuscany.

Then I said, "Nah, I'll just hang around here

and clean the skid marks out of Zippy's underwear."

How about this?

What if you could make the same money you're making now

and never have to work again?

One last job? I like it.

Am I driving or shooting?

No. You retire,

and I'll pay you for the rest of your life.

You're gonna pay me for doing nothing?

Yeah. I call it the Alan Harper Plan.

Where's this coming from?

Uh, we're-we're just... worried about you. Um...

This is a tough job, especially for a woman of your age.

What?

He said it's hard for a woman your age to do this job.

I heard him!

Oh.

I can do the job just fine.

Really? Because you basically bent over

and haven't been able to get out of bed for two days.

So you just want to treat me like some pathetic charity case

you can throw money at.

Oh, no-no one's saying you're a charity case.

Although, I, on the other hand,

would be happy to be one of Walden's Kids.

I'm just trying to do something nice for you.

By giving me a handout?

Unlike you, I've worked for every cent I ever made.

Excuse me?

You got rich from one idea.

You have no clue what it's like to work for a living.

Okay, I am not gonna apologize for being successful.

No, you are not, my friend.

Shut up! Shut up!

And please, "work for a living"?

You hurt your back trying to take a nap!

You know what?

I don't have to take this crap.

Well, that makes two of us.

It's settled then. I quit.

Oh, no! Where am I gonna find someone to eat my food,

smoke my pot and sleep in my bed?!

Oh...

Shut up!

[sighs] So what do you think? Was I right, or what?

Yes, Helen is great. Mm.

Although I still don't understand

why we couldn't at least interviewa topless maid.

Or four.

Will you forget about the topless maids?

I will never forget about the topless maids.

You saw the video.

"The only thing dirty in your house will be me."

[door opening]

Supper time, boys.

Oh. Oh.

Helen, this lemonade is delicious.

That's because I have a secret ingredient.

Oh, really? What-What is it?

Love.

Aw! Oh!

And, like, a pound of sugar.

[sighs]

Hey, you still miss Berta?

Miss Berta who?

Hey, maybe that's her last name, "Who."

More like, "Who Cares."

[laughter]

Oh, my God, look at this!

And for dessert,

when your tummy starts to rumble,

there's Helen's apple crumble.

[laughs]

Shut your mouth.

I won't.

You shouldn't.

[laughter]

The only thing Berta ever made with an apple was a bong.

Oh, she sounds like a hoot-and-a-half.

[laughter]

Well, enjoy, boys!

Oh, no, no, no, no, come join us.

Oh.

Well, thank you very much.

Oh.

The only thing sweeter

than your manners is my peach cobbler.

Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night.

Well, I will be a gobbler of your cobbler.

I am gonna stitch that on a pillow.

Oh, do you... do you mind if I say grace?

Oh. Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Uh, should I eat this unblessed biscuit, or spit it out?

Dear Lord,

we thank you for the food that we are

about to receive, and all of the other blessings

that you have bestowed upon us.

Hmm. That was beautiful.

And we humbly ask

that you help Alan and Walden

find the path to righteousness.

Wait.

What?

And lead them out

of their sinful homosexual lifestyles...

...lest

their souls burn in the fiery pits of hell

for all eternity with all of the other Sodomites.

Amen. Can I get some sweet potatoes?

Oh, sure.

Alan?

What? She already thinks

we're gobbling each others' cobblers.

[humming]

When you're finished with that dish,

just leave it, and I'll take care of it.

Oh, thank you, Colleen.

No problem.

I'm gonna go make the beds.

I don't want to spoil the surprise,

but I'm pretty sure she was carrying a little bag

♪ of pillow chocolates. ♪

I have to admit, she's pretty terrific.

Right? I mean, she's a good cook, she's punctual.

She's accepting of our lifestyle.

There is no lifestyle to accept.

But if things change, it's nice to know

we won't lose a great housekeeper.

[cell phone rings]

That's-that's not me.

Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.

Um, Colleen?

Oh, for the love of God, just turn it off.

Oh, dear.

What?

Look at this.

Oh!

Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this.

I mean, she's a... she's a single woman,

probably just trying to protect herself.

So, what's this one for?

She has two guns?

Uh...

I count four...

and what looks like a shank.

Okay, you get to fire this one.

COLLEEN: Did I hear my phone?

[screaming]

Alan has something he'd like to tell you.

I think I made a pillow chocolate

in my boys' huskies.

Okay. Well, our last housekeeper,

um, cleaned. Mm.

And, uh, sometimes cooked for us.

Is that something that you're comfortable with?

Sure. What would you like me to cook?

Oh, I-I don't know.

For breakfast, I like pancakes. Mm-hmm.

Of course. Pancakes!

I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.

You see an African-American woman,

and the first thing you think is,

"Aunt Jemima going to whip us up some flapjacks."

WALDEN: Oh!

No! No! No! No, no. Um...

Do I need to bring my own bandana,

or are you going to supply me with one?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. We just, uh...

You know, we really like pancakes. Yeah.

But, you know, I suppose waffles are-are fine.Yeah, waffles.

Chickenand waffles?

You know what? Let's...

Let's just forget breakfast.

I'll just... I'll just have coffee.

How do you take it?

Bla...

I prefer tea.

Um, so, are you okay with doing laundry?

Yeah. And I suppose you want me

to separate the whites from the colors.

Um, but you are aware

you're applying for a job as a housekeeper?

Oh, so, now I don't know why I'm here?

Um, I'm not sure you do.

What?! Okay, okay. Let's...

Everybody just calm down.

Oh, so now I've got to calm down

just because I was diagnosed with schizophrenia?!

Can you believe these fools, Donny?

Okay, I think we have all the information we need.

Mm-hmm. Um... we'll be in touch.

Great.

Let me know if you need any references.

Oh, you all have a lovely home.

[laughs]

Donny, come on now!

No, no. You know what? I changed my mind.

I don't want to talk to Berta.

Too bad. You wouldn't let a topless maid make your bed,

and now you've got to lie in it.

All right, well, I am not going to apologize.

You won't have to.

She said if you made an effort and came to her,

that she'd be more than happy to apologize to you.

Zippy says you want to apologize.

See what I did there? Can we come in?

No, place is a mess.

I was a jerk to my housekeeper, so she quit.

Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.

Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that difficult to say you're sorry?

It is when you have nothing to say you're sorry for.

Are you that clueless? You hurt my feelings.

You hurt myfeelings, andyou smoked all my pot,

so I had no way of not feeling what I was feeling.

Okay, okay, dialogue is good.

Now let's see if we can find some common ground.

You're an idiot.

Agree.

Look, I... I...

was trying to help you because I care about you.

Not because I see you as a charity case.

And I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression.

I'm sorry I overreacted.

Besides, I was so high,

I thought you were a talking dragon.

It is really good stuff.

That's the stuff I give my grandkids at Christmas.

It's funny 'cause I get it from a guy named Jesus.

So, what do you say? Will you come back?

I don't know.

You may be right.

I might not be able to do everything I used to do.

Well, we'll work around it, right?

Oh, absolutely. What-whatever it takes.

Deal?

Deal.

Come on in, I'll make you a cup of coffee.

[laughing]

Not funny!

Mm.

[laughing]

Still not funny!

I'm glad you're back.

Me, too, and I really appreciate you getting me some help.

It's the least I could do.

And I have to admit,

Alan was right about hiring a topless maid.

Oh.

If it wasn't in the hamper, it's not going in the washer.

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