Original subtitles

♪ Men.♪

[exhales]

[sighs]

[whirring]

Really?

Do you have to do this right now?

Wow, that's the first time anyone ever complained

about me doing too much work around here.

Why don't you go do that on the deck?

Because... this is my house.

I can work out wherever I want.

Besides, when I do yoga on the deck,

the kids on the beach call me gay.

You sure that's not because you live with a middle-aged man?

Morning.

Morning.

Ooh, a little yoga?

Yeah, I'm just trying to clear my head.

Um, speaking of heads,

Buddha's poking his out of the temple.

You know what? If I lived here alone, it wouldn't matter.

Right.

Sorry. Namaste.

What does "Namaste" actually mean?

Get out!

Okay.

I'm gonna "nama-not-stay" right here.

Okay, focus.

I want peace...

I want serenity...

[blender whirring]

I want a murder weapon.

Dude!

You need to relax.

Do some yoga or something.

What is that?

It's a holistic hangover cure.

Kale, wheatgrass, three shots of tequila.

Cheers.

You know what? Screw it.

I'm gonna stay drunk.

[belches]

Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little

too much ginger last night.

Oh, you had sushi for dinner?

Yeah, let's go with that.

It's crazy, isn't it?

We finally get rid of Jake,

and now we got another one on our hands.

Yeah, about that...

What is the long-range plan here?

I don't know.

I always thought we'd spend

our golden years together.

Eventually, maybe sell the beach house,

move to the desert,

spend our days toiling in our cactus garden.

Yeah, that sounds swell, but...

Go out to early bird dinners

wearing matching jumpsuits... Okay.

Look, I'm not gonna wear a jump...

All right. You know what?

Let's try this another way.

Uh, in your romantic fantasy of our future,

where is Jenny?

She'll spend Christmas with us,

but we're gonna want our alone time.

Okay, let's focus on that word "alone."

Mm-hmm.

Having house guests is the best.

You know, you get excited to see them,

you put out the fluffy towels,

you hold your farts, everything's nice...

but, eventually, you have to fart.

Here's what you do.

Uh, you go out on the deck,

and pretend to look at the ocean,

wait for a big wave

and when it breaks, so do you.

Alan, I'm putting in a home gym.

And it's either going in Jenny's room

or Alan's room.

It's your call.

Bitch be gone.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men.♪

Here we go.

An appletini a day keeps the doctor away.

Cute.

And what keeps Alan away?

You.

Touché.

Why am I here?

Oh, I just thought we could get together.

Maybe find out what's going on in each other's lives.

There's never anything going on in your life, Alan.

Okay, you start.

All right, let's see...

Well, my boyfriend Marty has just moved in.

Moved in?

That's a little fast.

He's 91 and a half.

He doesn't do anything fast.

So you two sleep in the same room?

If you're trying to find out if we have sex, yes, we do.

Frequently and nastily.

Good God!

The man is in a wheelchair.

How do you think he got there?

No, I was asking

if your guest room is available.

Darling, I-I would love

for you to come stay with me,

but with Marty there now, it's-it's impossible.

Oh, not me. Jenny.

Oh, Jennifer can move in.

Wait.

Why can she move in and not me?

Darling, if you were a child,

this would be one of those situations

where I would give you five dollars to shut up.

Well, I'm not a kid anymore, Mom.

How's $20 sound?

No, I want to have this conversation. Forty.

We're done. Well...

Mm-hmm.

♪ Men.♪

All right, I'm out of here.

Don't be a stranger, Jenny.

I mean, I know that you are one

but that didn't stop me

from letting you stay here.

And that didn't stop me

from throwing up in your...

Ah, you know, you'll figure it out.

Um, h-have you got everything?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, uh...

There's a girl in my room,

uh, Tara,

Tanya...

I don't really know what the hell her name is.

It's tattooed right above her ass.

Anyway, when she wakes up,

will you give her this for cab fare?

And uh, uh...

tell her I, "Mackenzie,"

will call her

if I get back from the Congo.

See you.

Bye. Take care.

[door closes]

Can you believe that?

I know.

A Harper left this house voluntarily.

And gave me money.

♪ Men.♪

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Alan.

Lyndsey.

This is a surprise.

I know; I-I'm sorry.

I just need to talk to you in person.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on in.

Are we alone?

WALDEN: Never!

Hi, Walden.

Can we talk in private?

Oh, sure, let's go in my room.

Oh, uh, hold on a second.

Okay, we're all set.

Aw, dude, come on!

So what's up?

Ow! Nipple!

[sighs]

I am so mad at you.

Why?

Because I-I'm with Larry now.

He's smart, handsome, successful...

God, you have a type.

No.

When I'm with him, I can't stop fantasizing about you.

Okay, I-I-I'm confused.

I'm getting a chubby, but I'm confused.

So you want to get back together?

Oh, God, no.

I just want to have sex with you.

Why?

And why am I asking?

I don't know.

I just know that I do.

Of course.

Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter.

Go on, pluck my forbidden fruit.

Pop my cherry.

Peel my banana.

Squeeze my fuzzy peaches.

In my fantasy... Yeah?

...you don't talk.

♪ Men.♪

Bye, Walden.

Bye, Lyndsey.

[door closes]

[whoops]

[chuckling]

Um, is it hot in here or did I just have sex?

Did you guys get back together?

Better.

She wants nothing from me

except the old Harper harpoon.

Wha-bam!

Know what I'm sayin'?

How is it possible

that you're having sex and I'm not?

Well, apparently, her perfect boyfriend Larry

has an Achilles heel...

and it's on his penis.

Wha-bam!

Um...

have you guys seen Mackenzie?

She went to Cabo.Congo.

She's not here.She's dead.

In the Congo.

Sorry, Tanya.

Tara.

Alyssa.

♪ Men.♪

So...

Evy tells me you want to be an actress.

I figured with my daddy issues,

it was either that or stripping.

You've certainly got the rack for either one.

Bless your heart.

My heart is in a landfill.

This baby belonged to

a drunken quarterback from Alabama.

Roll Tide!

You know, Marty is a television legend.

He created Here Comes Pleshkin.

I love that show.

Th-That was a drinking game

in college.

Every time someone would yell "Pleshkin!"

I would take a shot.

I had so much drunken sex because of your show.

It was a piece of crap,

but it paid for my first six... sevenwives.

And Pleshkin?

Hermaphrodite.

Once, he comes in three hours late.

I tell him to go screw himself.

He says, "Why do you think I'm three hours late?"

That's a joke, sweetheart.

Feel free to laugh.

Is this thing on?

Roll Tide!

Pleshkin!

[laughs]

I need another one. Marty?

Why not?

I got my liver from a narcoleptic

Vietnamese rickshaw driver.

Evy, that's the best gift you have ever given me.

What do you mean?

You, me, Jenny,

a handful of little blue pills...

It's like the Spring Break of '43 all over again!

Marty, she's my granddaughter.

I know.

I have had some of the most decadent

sexual encounters imaginable:

mother/daughter, twins,

triplets, Pleshkin.

But never the elusive grandmother/granddaughter combo.

She's gay.

It just keeps getting better.

Sweetheart, while-while I normally love

your unique brand of depravity,

this is where I draw the line.

So when it's me and the plumber, it's fine.

You wanted that as much as I did.

I had my eye on his kidney.

♪ Men.♪

[giggling] [chuckling]: This is so exciting.

Another man's bed,

another man's woman,

another man's... Home!

I know, it's so dirty.

No, no, no, the garage door just opened!

And here comes the car.

Beep! Beep!

No, Larry's home! Get out!

What do I do? What do I do? Uh...

Hide in the closet?

Uh... under the bed?

Ooh, I could put on a wig and a dress

and pretend I'm one of your friends.

Out the window!

Right, good call.

Whoa, we are up there.

Oh, beautiful view. Oh!

Hey, is that the Hollywood sign...!

[thudding]

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

What happened to you?

Oh, these? [chuckles]

I was with Lyndsey last night, at her boyfriend's house,

and he came home early,

and I had to jump out the window.

Alan Harper: Love Burglar.

I like it better than Alan Harper: Roommate.

It's just so much fun to be thought of as a piece of meat.

She doesn't care about what I think or what I say.

I know how she feels.

Let me ask you something.

How would you like it if you were the poor schmuck

being cheated on?

I've always been the poor schmuck.

And how did it feel?

Horrible.

Ha-ha, suck it, Larry!

I know you're having fun, Alan,

but sooner or later, somebody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, believe me, someone got hurt last night.

Boom, boom, boom!

Know what I'm saying?

Okay, from now on, let's just assume that I know

what you're saying and I don't like it.

♪ Men.♪

All right, you are hair-free.

You missed a spot.

You are a dirty old man.

If I'm such a dirty old man,

maybe it's time for my sponge bath.

[chuckles]

Paging Nurse Evelyn!

Report to Marty's crotch with a loofah!

[laughing]

You ready to go?

I'll be right with you, dear.

Where are you going? What about

rubba-dub-dub, Marty's in the tub?

I'll be right back.

We're just going to the spa.

Yeah, Marty, you'll be happy. When I she comes back,

she'll have less hair than your ears.

But this is date night.

I'll be back by 8:00.

That's after Wheel. I'll be asleep.

I'll make it up to you in the morning.

I'm 91-and-a-half!

I can't plan that far ahead!

♪ Men.♪

That was amazing.

It was.

You seen my underwear?

Do you mean...

these?

You know what? Keep 'em.

Ooh, thank you.

Where you going?

What do you mean? Home. We're done.

So it's just wham, bam, thank you...

incredibly powerful, yet sensitive lover man?

Aw, don't get my panties in a bunch.

I'm serious. We never talk.

Because we're not dating.

I thought you were okay with this.

I am. That doesn't mean we can't take an interest

in each others' lives.

For example, did you know Charlie had a daughter?

Really? Yeah!

That's great!

You can talk to her.

Fine. Whatever.

Oh, for the love of God!

What do you want from me?

Well, if you must know,

she's coming over for dinner tomorrow night,

and I just thought that maybe you'd like to join us.

Dinner? Seriously?

Forget I mentioned it.

Okay, look, I'll see what I can do.

Really?

I'll try.

Oh, thank you.

You've made me so happy.

Great. See ya.

[sighs]

I should've just bought a damn vibrator.

♪ Men.♪

Here ya go, Marty.

Just the way you like it--

scotch and Metamucil.

Why aren't we eating?

It's almost 6:00.

Where are we, France?

We're waiting for Alan's girlfriend.

I thought hewas Alan's girlfriend?

No. I own the house.

It's actually a funny story. I was on the beach and I went...

Don't care.

Marty, don't be rude.

I'm sorry. Low blood sugar.

Plus, I really don't care.

Unbelievable.

Lyndsey's not answering any of my calls

and she hasn't returned any of my texts.

I told you you were gonna get hurt.

[mocking]: I told you you were gonna get hurt.

You know what?

I'm gonna go get her.

And don't try to stop me.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

No problem.

Now that buzzkill is gone...

anyone want to get high?

Roll joint!

♪ Men.♪

You think Alan's gonna mind

that we started without him?

Who's Alan?

[Berta laughs]

You know...

I think I banged Lucille Ball in this house.

She was my second-favorite redhead.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Wait a second.

It's night.

Why am I still here?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Are you okay to drive?

I'm fine.

Well, let me know when you get home.

I'm home.

[chuckles]

Your father would've loved this night.

We're all drunk, we're all high, and Alan's not here.

Wait-- who's Alan?

You know what we should do tomorrow?

Go to the Malibu Police Station.

They took more pictures of your dad than I did.

Again?

I want to stay home and play naked Jeopardy.

I want to spend time with my daughter.

Granddaughter.

Oh, please, nobody's buying that.

I am going into the living room, Evelyn.

I suggest you push me there.

We need to talk.

Be back in a minute.

There's a 50-50 chance

he won't remember what he wants.

If you're gonna talk about me,

you shouldn't shave my ears first.

He's great.

Wonder what it's like to be 91.

I imagine that you're wet in the places you used to be dry

and dry in the places you used to be wet.

What's wrong?

Your granddaughter is coming between us...

and not in the good way.

Look, Marty, she just came into my life.

And believe it or not,

I wasn't always the best mom to Charlie or-or the other one.

Jennifer is my second chance.

You got to make a choice.

It's me or the kid.

I love you, Marty, but I have to pick my granddaughter.

You know, I have $400 million.

I'm not saying it isn't close.

It's over.

[chuckles] Okay, I'm bluffing.

I really miss you.

I miss you too, money... honey.

Maybe I can make it up to you.

If you can make it down to me, you can make it up to me.

Something tells me that Marty doesn't want me around.

What?! I can't imagine anyone not wanting you around.

Really? Because I'm pretty sure

I'm staying at my grandmother's

because you don't want me around.

No...!

Maybe...

Yes...

I get it.

You already have Alan.

I do.

Hey, do you think I'd look good in a jumpsuit?

You'd look good in anything.

That's 'cause I'm good-looking.

I pretend like I don't know.

Shh.

Seriously, if you want privacy, then why do you have a roommate?

Oh, you know, Alan's way more than a roommate.

He's my best friend.

He was there for me when I was all alone.

He even took me into my own house.

You know, him and-and his stoner son

and his horny mom and your dead dad.

I mean, they've really become my family.

Mine, too.

I guess that means you're becoming part of my family.

Aw...!

I'm the most masculine person in this house.

[both laughing]

I like you, Jenny.

I like you, Walden.

If you were a chick, I would totally do you.

Aw! You, too!

Hey, you're welcome to crash here any time

you need a break from Evelyn and...

91-and-a-half shades of gray.

Seriously?

Yeah.

You know, I was thinking about putting in a home gym,

but big deal.

I'd rather have a Jenny than a gym.

You and me both.

[both laugh]

I get it.

'Cause Jim and gym are homonyms

and you're a "hamma-sexual."

It's awfully quiet in there. Did they leave?

I don't know. Let me go look.

I shouldn't have looked.

♪ Men.♪[doorbell rings]

No matter what she says, do not cry.

You're the prize here.

[hushed]: Alan, what are you doing here?

What are youdoing here? You're supposed

to be at my house for dinner.

I said I would try.

And I said I wouldn't cry.

And I guess we're both liars now.

Would you keep it down? Larry's here.

What? You don't want him to hear your whore?

'Cause that's all I am to you-- your whore!

We agreed this was just about sex.

Well, forgive me for falling in love.

Alan, if you don't leave right now,

you're never gonna see this again.

Call at your convenience.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪[doorbell rings]

I'll get that. It's probably Lyndsey looking

for a little morning wood to start her fire.

Know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying,

I just don't know why you're saying it.

Uh, hello?

Mackenzie, you lying bitch!

Uh-oh. Congo, my ass!

Don't run! You don't want to run!

Yeah, it feels like home again.

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