Original subtitles

♪ Men.♪

Tell me, Henry,

why do you want to be Mr. Schmidt's assistant?

He's my hero.

I know everything about him.

"Possible stalker."

And why do you think you're qualified?

Like him, I graduated high school at 16.

Then I completed the four-year computer science program

at Harvard in just under two years,

during which, I founded an Internet startup,

and I'm currently two semesters shy of my law degree.

So, "no law degree."

Let me tell you a few things

about Walden Schmidt you may not know.

Uh, the man is a genius.

I knew that.

"Likes to interrupt."

He thinks in a different way than the rest of us.

His mind is always working.

Every time he opens his mouth,

it's because he has something important to say.

WALDEN: Love the new toilet paper

you bought, Alan.

It's like sliding down a rainbow.

Except the pot at the end doesn't have any gold in it.

When you hear something this good,

you should write it down.

I'm sorry.

Who's this?

Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson.

He's interviewing for the assistant job.

Uh, assistant job?

Hi, Mr. Schmidt.

It's such an honor...[stuttering]

Eye contact.

It's okay, Henry.

[mouthing]

Alan, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, no problem, Mr. Schmidt.

"Hi"? Really?

Not looking good, Hank.

What's up?

Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant

when I just hired you to be my assistant?

Oh, no, no, he's interviewing to be myassistant.

Your assistant?

Well, intern, actually.

He's not gonna cost us a penny, and he's gonna do

all the menial stuff I don't want to do.

Well, why don't I just hire him for free

and cut out the middle man?

And in case I'm going too fast, you're the middle man.

But I'm the big picture guy.

See, bringing Henry on to Team Schmidt...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt?

Yeah, I'm gonna get hats and shirts made.

Well, Henry is.

We're gonna have a new slogan.

"No bull-Schmidt."

"Schmidt happens."

You're a Schmidt head.

I hired you to be my assistant to help you out financially

'cause you had close your chiropractic office.

I didn't have to close it; I'm in a rent dispute.

People in rent disputes don't fake their own death.

[doorbell rings]Oh, I'll get that.

You are looking good today, boss.

That's why he got good toilet paper.

So my ass is clean while he's kissing it.

Huh, my 12:00 must be early.

Someone who really wanted this job

would've taken the initiative.

Too late, Harvard.

Hello.

Hi. You Alan Harper?

Yes, I am. And, uh, and you are...?

Your niece.

Eurniece?

That's a... that's a pretty name.

Is that Dutch?

No, I'm Jenny.

I'm your brother Charlie's daughter.

Uh, Henry?Yes?

Catch me.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men.♪

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry,

did-did you say that you're... Charlie's daughter?

Yeah.

Listen, I got a wicked hangover.

You got any aspirin, ibuprofen, rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?

Uh, yeah, yeah, come on in.

Uh, Henry, uh, get her an aspirin and vodka.

On it!

Kitchen's that way.Damn it!

I-I can't believe this.

I mean, I can, but I-I can't.

I mean, how did this happen?

From what my mom told me...

Ooh, can we... can we maybe turn down the lights?

That's the sun.

Right, I hate the sun.

It's like God calling you an alcoholic.

Anyway, according to my mom, it was love at first sight.

They met in a bar,

they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom.

[chuckles] It was like a freakin' Disney movie.

Poke-a-hot-ass.

And where did the kid go for the vodka? Poland?

Look, I don't mean to be rude,

but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter?

I mean, this could be some kind of scam.

I have a picture of us together.

It's in here somewhere.

Oh, look. [laughs]

My vagina.

[chuckles]

Oh, wait, that's not mine.

Oh, that's mine.

[chuckles]

Ah, there you go.

This was taken at my fourth birthday party.

Just a heads up, I might vomit; where's the nearest bathroom?

Oh, right down the hall.

Okay, I think we're good,

but it's always nice to have a plan.

Anyway, this was party was the last time I saw him.

After that, he just sent checks.

He-he sent checks?

Yeah, my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me,

but he always made sure I was taken care of.

He never said a word about any of this to me.

I'm his brother, his-his blood.

Were they big checks?

Yeah, got one every month.

Bastard.

My mom just called me special.

This Henry guy is awesome.

Did you know I won a spelling bee in fifth grade?

I didn't!

Who's this, Henry's assistant?

Walden, this is Jenny,

my brother's daughter.

Really?

Hi. Hi.

I, uh, didn't know Charlie had a daughter.

Neither did I.

He sent her checks, big checks.

Not that that matters now.

[whispers]: Every month!

Hey, am I related

to Abercrombie & Fitch over here?

No, I own the house.

Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.

So does he.

So, uh, tell us more about you.

Not much to tell.

I was born in New York,

got kicked out of a few private schools,

tried to become a doctor to make my mom happy,

dropped out, became an actress to piss her off.

An actress, oh.

Your father loved actresses.

Yeah, I was only going to med school

so I could write myself prescriptions for oxy.

Oh, your father loved oxy.

HENRY: Sorry it took so long.

Here's vodka and two aspirin.

Thank God. Oh.

I was wrong; I am gonna puke.

Your father loved to puke.

♪ Men.♪

So, when I was, like, five,

my mom married this total loser named Rob.

He moved in with us and never looked for a job,

but he's been sponging off of her ever since.

Who does that?

So, uh, how long you been in L.A.?

Couple weeks.

And you got a place to stay?

He asks, knowing full well she's a Harper.

Yeah, I'm crashing at a friend's house.

That's great. Friends are great.

You should make some friends, Alan.

So, just the two of you live here?

Uh, well, my son, your cousin Jake,

uh, used to live with us, but he's in the army now.

Stationed in Japan.

Oh, that's impressive.

Because of the time difference,

he thinks he lives in the future.

Maybe we can call him and find out

when this headache's gonna go away.

Oh, and, uh, you have a grandmother.

Oh, that's great!

In theory.

When she finds out she has a granddaughter,

she's gonna have a heart attack.

You know, I'm gonna call her right now.

♪ Men.♪

This is it.

This was your dad's room.

Wow.

I always tried to imagine what my dad's life was like.

It's weird to finally see it.

I never met him, but I heard he was quite a guy.

I heard he was a drunken man whore.

Like I said, quite a guy.

So, uh,

this your and Alan's room?

What?

[chuckles]: No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not... I'm not...

The, um... really?

You really don't think I can do better than Alan?

I don't know.

Maybe he's got a huge schlong.

Well, we're not a couple, and he doesn't.

Which is fine. I mean, not that size matters.

Not that I was looking.

I'm not gay.

So why is he still living here?

Well, at first...

Then...

I don't know.

So, um,

this is where your dad used to sleep.

I got a new mattress,

and I replaced the carpets and the drapes

and pretty much anything that could absorb fluid.

Wow.

If these walls could talk.

They'd probably say, "Can I get a towel?"

So, I mean,

I wish there was more that Charlie left behind.

You know, other than Alan.

So... [sighs]

my dad stood in this same spot, staring out at the ocean.

I wonder what was going through his mind.

I wonder what he was thinking.

Besides, of course,

"how can I nail those two hot surfer chicks out there?"

Huh, now I'm thinking it.

Oh, please.

With your looks and this house, I'm sure you do fine.

Well, you'd think that, but the truth is,

when it comes to women, I've never really been much

of a casual sex kind of guy.

And every time I do get close to one,

she ends up pulling away from me,

and then I wind up back in this room,

thinking where I went wrong again.

Alone.

So alone.

[sighs]

Oh, yeah.

[chuckles] You're not gay.

Mom, I have some news for you.

Sit down.

Okay, push him off and sit up.

Um, I know this is gonna come as quite the shock,

but it turns out Charlie has a daughter.

Mom? Mom?

Are you dead?

Oh, good.

Um, no, I know.

I know, it's crazy, right?

Yeah, no, she's here now.

Well, well, come on over.

Okay, finish first and then come over.

Good news. Uh, my mother's on her way over.

First time I've ever said that.

Wow, insta-family.

Uncle, grandmother,

step-hot-guy.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to call you.

Oh, step-hot-guy works.

All that's missing is my dad.

Actually, he's here, too.

Um, follow me.

Uh, where are we going?

Uh, well, you know how sailors get buried at sea?

Yeah.I keep Charlie in the liquor cabinet.

Let's see.

Uh, Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's...

Charlie Harper.

Huh, he looks different than his pictures.

Um, Charlie, this is your daughter Jenny.

Hi, Dad!

This seems weird. Does this seem weird to anybody else?

Yes, it's weird.

Almost as weird as when we take him to the movies.

Charlie, I wish you were here

to see how beautiful your daughter turned out.

I-I think you'd be impressed.

I think a lot of...

Oh!

[coughs]

Oh, not again.

I ain't cleaning that up.

♪ Men.♪

Oh. Oh, look.

A quarter.

Unbelievable.

You even mooch off the dead.

One more.

Yeah, you're Charlie's daughter.

You don't seem very surprised.

Only surprised there aren't more of you running around.

God, I loved your dad.

I remember the first time I met him.

He asked me if I knew how to do three things:

cook, clean and score an eight ball

at 2:30 in the morning.

I told him I didn't know how to cook or clean.

I've been here ever since.

[laughs]

I'm-I'm sure you have a story about Charlie

that doesn't involve drugs.

Okay. One time at Mardi Gras...

Or alcohol.

All right.

Once when Charlie was in Vegas...

Or hookers.

Geez, you're really tying my hands!

Okay, I got it.

It was New Year's Eve,

and Charlie was super not drunk,

and he was with this crazy not hooker,

and he decided to have his sphincter bleached.

Whoa! Whoa! What?

Why?

Because he cared about women.

Unfortunately, it got infected, and he needed me

[voice breaks]: to dab a little ointment...

I'm sorry.

It's just that I miss him so much!

God took the wrong Harper!

[door closes]

EVELYN: Where is my granddaughter?

Did it just get cold in here?

Oh, my God.

Look at you.

Mom, this is Jenny.

Jenny,

this is Evelyn.

You are so beautiful.

You remind me of me ten years ago.

Your father was the apple of my eye.

My greatest gift.

My reason for living.

Uh, hello.

Hello, Alan.

I can't believe I finally have a grandchild.

You already have a grandchild-- Jake.

Oh. Sure. Yeah.

So, Jennifer...

Actually, it's Jenny.

Darling, you're not 12 anymore. It's Jennifer.

We are going to have so much fun together:

lunching, shopping, taking care of those eyebrows.

Where are you staying while you're in town?

I'm crashing on a friend's couch.

Not anymore. You'll stay with me.

Aw! I love you, Evelyn.

Whoa, whoa! If she's staying anywhere,

she's gonna stay at my place.

And by "your place," do you mean

the office that you stopped paying rent at

or the house that you've never paid rent at?

Look, I'm not gonna let my mom screw her up

like she did me and Charlie.

Hey! I was a good mother.

No, you know who was a good mother?

Our housekeeper Adela. She even breast-fed me.

She had just had a baby.

And when the milk truck is parked on the street,

you don't go to the grocery store.

Besides, you-you used to gnaw on me.

You're gnawer.

Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang.

You know what? She's gonna stay in Jake's room.

Whoa, whoa, no.

I do not want Jake's room to become Jenny's room.

You know, in fact, there is no Jake's room

and there's no Jenny's room.

There's just Walden's room.

And Charlie's room.

Why don't we let her decide?

Yeah, yeah, it's up to her.

Is anyone listening to me?!

Jennifer?

Where'd she go?

Nice job, Alan.

You made another woman disappear.

Can you believe her?

What did I do to her to make her hate me so much?

Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang.

Oh, oh. What, you, too?

Oh!

Son of a...

Ooh, a nickel!

♪ Men.♪

This is ridiculous.

We're never going to find her.

I don't understand why she ran off like that.

I can think of two reasons.

First I lost my Charlie, now I've lost my Jennifer.

You still have your Alan.

Oh! Don't make it worse.

Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang.

Oh, God, my granddaughter's gone forever.

Oh, there she is at the bus stop.

Oh, God, my granddaughter rides the bus!

Jenny, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get away from you people.

Look, I just wanted to see where my dad lived.

I didn't want to screw up your family.

Uh, for the record,

they were screwed up long before you got here.

It's true.

H-Hey, if I'm screwed up, it's your fault.

You raised me.

I didn't raise you, Adela did.

Look, I already have a messed-up family.

I-I don't need another one.

Oh, we're sorry.

This is just how we express our love.

Through hate. Oh, no, no, no.

W-We don't hate each other.

I mean, the truth is, my mother is an amazing woman.

I mean, she-she raised two kids on her own,

she's a successful businesswoman,

she has impeccable taste.

Thank you, Alan.

Oh, right.

Uh, and Alan is...

the reason I had my tubes tied.

Because she knew she would never do better than me.

Please, sweetheart, I just found you.

I can't lose you now.

We want you to be a part of our lives.

What do you say?

Well, if I'm gonna be a part of this family,

I'm gonna need a drink.

You hear that, Charlie?

Your daughter needs a drink.

You're looking the wrong way, Mom.

♪ Men.♪

A toast. To Charlie Harper.

My brother, your son, your father, and your...

Guy who got hit by a train so I could buy his beach house?

Sorry, Evelyn.

It's okay. I got the commission.

To Charlie.

So, is that the bathroom

where the miracle of my life began?

It is.

Want to see it?

I do.

Text a picture of it to my mom.

Should be good for some guilt money.

I'll run interference.

All right, everybody out!

Woman visiting the place of her conception!

I can't tell you how relieved I am

to finally have an heir. Mm.

Wait, what?

She's my granddaughter.

I want to provide for her.

And since I wasn't around

for the first 25 years of her life,

it's only fitting that she inherit my estate.

You weren't around for the first 45 years of my life.

You have Walden!

Oh, oh, do I? Do you see a ring on this finger?

Don't worry, darling.

There's a little something for you in my will.

A little something?

Look, if you knew

you were gonna get everything,

you would've smothered me with a pillow years ago.

That is not true.

If I knew I had money coming, I'd hire a professional.

How'd it go?Great.

I laughed, I cried.

I peed.

How are you guys doing over here?

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, we might need a designated driver

to get us back to his beautiful beach house.

I'll take you guys. I get off in 15.

Great. Thanks.

She's cute.

Told ya.

Malibu beach house gets you laid every time.

Not every time.

♪ Men.♪

Oh, my God, this house is amazing!

Well, it's... Yeah.

And look at that view.

It's even better from the bedroom.

Want to see?

Yeah.

After you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

Up to show her.

Oh, you thought...?

Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine.

Next time I'll get two.

What just happened?

Charlie's back.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Good morning.

No, no, not good.

I slept in the guest room of my own house,

and I'm pretty sure I still have some of your brother in my ear.

Don't worry, tonight I'll tell Jenny

that your bedroom's off limits.

No, there is no tonight!

But she's family.

Not my family.

And I'm gonna tell her she can't stay.

Morning. Hi.

You girls have a good night?

Oh, yeah.

I'm surprised I can even talk.

You were saying?Shut up.

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