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- Ladies and gentlemen, members of the faculty,

graduating students.

It is our privilege to award for the first time,

a doctorate in psychology, languages,

and the natural and physical sciences to one man,

Artemis P. Goodluck.

- This guy's an imposter.

Syringe, scalpel, swab.

Uh, oh.

- Father. - Yes?

- Father, Goodluck. - Yes, my child?

- You're under arrest. - Shit.

- Artemis P. - Goodluck, a fraught veterinarian,

but with a genius to be much more has earned the moniker,

Professor.

Now, after several temporary setbacks,

he will gather about him,

other men of vision and greed,

who will follow him on a daring caper.

A caper that will go down in history

as a monument to his genius.

Cornelius C. McKay, 29,

otherwise known as Corncob McKay,

son of a tenant farmer from Merchant Valley.

Corncob has risen to the position of underpaid Midnight

to Morning disc jockey on Centerville's own station WOWE.

WOW-E.

Today Corncob's mind is on a fateful meeting to be held

with the Professor

that will permanently change his lifestyle.

- Start your baby off right in life with the gentle touch,

the touch of Dunby.

Dunby's throwaway diapers,

for mothers who want the best for their child.

Sara Sue Fenway, 22.

A former go-go girl at the Twin Bumps cocktail lounge just

over the Johnson County line.

Got tired feet and decided to light down on the job.

She now resides at Big Bertha's Massage Parlor

and has become Bertha's most trusted girl.

Every night she comes over to the radio station,

bringing with her commercial announcements

of Big Bertha's specials of the day.

During this time,

she and Corncob have fallen madly in love.

Very soon Corncob will put this love to the acid test.

- Hey, now that was a Jim Dandy, wasn't It?

Deserves to be right up there on the top.

Listen, this, your next sound is really something else.

It's by a new group

and they are really gonna make it one of these days.

They're gonna rise right up to the top.

Hey, hey man, will you cut that out?

Where have you been, Sara Sue?

You're supposed to be here

with these things five hours ago.

- Well, I got real busy just as I was setting on leaving.

A bunch of hearses pulled up

and deposited morticians from that convention.

A real weird bunch, I tell you.

I couldn't leave Bertha during the rush.

- Well, I don't want to hear about it.

- I'll talk now Corncob.

- I don't like you working there.

I imagine you and all those men and everything and-

I know, but I-

- Sara Sue. - Corncob.

- Sara Sue. - Corncob.

Sara Sue.

Rufus T. Oxhammer, 39,

Moonshiner and part-time farmer has decided

to leave his wife and nine children in order

to join the Professor and start a new career.

A career of crime.

- All right, Christie.

You get down out of that car

and you get back up to the house.

- Well, I've had it, I've had it.

I ain't staying no more.

This is Jethro Jenkins

with your morning farm and home hour.

But first, some news about the fertilizer.

Fertilizer is in short supply.

And prices are-

Major manufacturers say that-

- Wilbur, where are you going now?

Where are you going?

Wilbur?

Wilbur, why are you digging out like this?

Where are you going?

Where are you going, Wilbur?

Wilbur!

Wilbur, will you stop making motions

at that silly bird and answer for your mother

when she speaks to you?

Mom?

- Wilbur, you dumb ass. - Oh, shut up lady bird.

Wilbur, why are you sneaking out like this?

- I didn't want to wake you mom.

- Well, that is obvious.

And why didn't you want to wake me?

I gotta get to work early today.

It's for taking stop day.

- Oh, well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

Well, go ahead and be quiet about it.

- Yes, mom.

Yes, mom.

Yes mom. No mom.

Martha, Mary, Sarah, Sonya,

fearless lady bird, Peoni, Millie, all women.

Wilbur Varnish, 35, and colorblind.

Only male child of Faith and Will Varnish

has been employed

as a clerk at a Centerville hardware store.

His life has been ruled by women.

From his mother and four sisters to the female parrot.

- Hey Wilbur, where you going?

- Mama, Wilbur's getting away.

Wilbur, you come back here.

Mama, Wilbur's getting away.

- Wilbur you come back here. - Where you going?

- Mama he's got a suitcase.

- Corncob? - What?

Come on, I'm late already.

Don't you slam that door in my face.

I didn't mean to slam a door

in your face, ma'am, I just-

- I saw you slam it on purpose.

Sara Sue, will you come on?

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

Now, come on. - It's your own fault.

- Oh my God. I, I don't have my car, Sara Sue.

Look, you'll have to take me down to Gus Station.

- I'll not. - Seriously,

you gotta take me down to Gus Fellow Station.

I gotta get my car.

It's been sick for about two weeks now.

- You car been sick every day.

Every day. - Just take me

to Gus Fellow Station.

- Have you seen him yet? - No.

- I ain't seen him neither.

- Wonder where he could be?

- I don't know. - Hold on.

- Maybe we better wait inside.

- That's a good idea. - Here.

Gentlemen, come in.

- Yes, sir. - Close the door.

Gentlemen, I have gathered you here this morning

because we are at last ready to pull the biggest caper

of my career.

- You go to cat houses Professor?

- I am acquainted with every great madam in this country.

More important, I know who her best customers are.

- Golly! - Golly is correct, Wilbur.

No police chief, no prosecutor,

no judge dare put his cuffs on me for fear, I'll expose him.

The fact is nobody but the madam

will want us caught. - Golly!

- And now gentlemen,

our first strike will be this Saturday night

and our target, Big Bertha's. - Big Bertha's?

- Massage Parlor?

Big Bertha, alias, Bertha Kowalski,

owner and operator of Big Bertha's Massage Emporium.

Unable to follow her ambition to become a ballet dancer.

Hung up her size 14 slippers, many years ago.

Savannah Morgan,

a former assembly line worker from Poker Bluff

who was asked to leave town

after a scandal involving the whole fire department.

Priscilla Bacon, a student at the university

has been working part-time at Bertha's.

She is a health food fanatic with a dream,

a dream of her own organic health food shop.

Veronica Paisley.

Age, unknown. Origin, unknown.

Education, unknown. Former employment, unknown.

In fact, Veronica has spoken very little since she came

to Bertha's.

For some unknown reason, Veronica drives men wild,

strange sounds come from her room

and her customers emerge totally wrecked.

- The working arrangements is simple.

You work weekends and holidays,

but you get one whole week off every month.

The only reason nobody's off this week is

'cause of morticians being in town.

- We not treasure any tricks.

- Not if they're decent,

but we don't stand for any rough stuff.

If you get a crazy trying to do you physical harm,

kick 'em in the balls.

Start screaming and we'll all come running.

- Keep our good name.

- Most of the respected men in town are my customers.

The Sheriff, the Judge.

Most of the upstanding politicians.

Even Gordy Forrest, the banker.

- You all bank with him? - No.

All the girls, including myself, we keep our savings here.

- No safer place, honey.

- Besides, Bertha keeps it safe for us.

- Like I always say,

it takes a lot of laying to make a nest egg.

But I got a safe in the back,

it would take a genius to crack.

- Really? What kind is it?

- It's a Mosler safe, gentlemen, circa 1929.

Very fine safe but not fine enough.

A gentleman, please, your seats, I must leave shortly.

- Professor, there's a lot about this

that I just don't understand.

- That's exactly the way I want it Corncob.

The less anyone knows,

the less he will think for himself

and the less likely the mistakes.

You will only be told parts of this plan.

And if that is not good enough for you gentlemen,

then you should resign from this project.

Does anyone wish to resign?

- No, Professor.

I, I guess I trust you. - Me too, Professor.

- I never said anything. - Good.

Then we're ready for stage number one.

Casing the joint.

Wheels exits, windows, where the safe is located.

List of rooms being used.

Saturday nights regular clientele, et cetera and so forth.

- Well, I can't go, Sara Sue never would understand that.

Why don't you send Wilbur?

- Wilbur done never had herself a woman before.

We need someone with experience.

Right, Professor?

Honey?

- Yes ma'am. - The Professor is here.

Are you ready? - In a minute.

- Professor, the smell of a hunter is all over you.

- I know. It's all in my pores.

All the juices come oozing out.

- Like I always say, it takes a tiger to tame a pussy cat.

- Yeah. - But for now,

the fee professor. - Oh, certainly.

My dear, I would gladly pay 10 times this petty stipend

for an hour with you. - I bet you would,

I just bet you would.

Perhaps one day, Professor.

Perhaps one day. - Till then, my lovely.

- I'm ready. - But for now, happy hunting.

Naughty boy!

- Wait for me!

Yeah!

There you are, gentlemen.

Big Bertha's massage parlor,

everything we will need to know.

Plus a list of Saturday night regulars,

which includes the Sheriff and our illustrious Mayor.

- The Mayor? - None other.

- What did I tell you?

- Now, here are your code names and decoders.

Rufus is Possum Pete.

Wilbur is Aligator Al.

Corncob's Midnight Maller.

I myself, am, Silent Summer.

Even the getaway car has been given a nom de plume,

Moonshine Special. - I may keep my name for good.

- From this day on,

you must listen for coded messages and instructions.

- Sir, what is it we're gonna be listening to?

- To the radio, Mr. Corncob, McKay's Midnight to Dawn Show.

- I'm a message center. - Rufus,

will you have the car ready?

- All juiced up and ready to fly.

- Wilbur?

Wilbur?

Alligator Al? - Yes, sir.

- Oh, glad to see you're thinking boy.

Have you got everything we need from the store?

- Oh, I got everything on the list.

- Good. - Wire cutters, rails-

- Wonderful, excellent, Alligator.

Now Corncob for the next phase of your mission.

- Yes sir. - You are

to arrange a most crucial rendezvous,

which will set stage number two into motion.

- Who do you wanna meet Professor?

- Wow. - Chief White Eagle himself.

On Highway 79.

Chief White Eagle at his brave speed towards Centerville.

With two big hits on the charts,

they are now one of the hottest country

and western groups in the USA.

A little do they know that they are part

of the Professor's cunning scheme,

a scheme that will soon catapult them

to the headlines of today's newspapers.

- Welcome to Centerville Chief White Eagle.

I just wish you folks could see the chief here

in his regal, colorful headdress.

And sitting right behind him are his Indian Braves.

Haven't heard a word out of them since they came in.

- They have taken vows of silence.

It is part of the marriage of authentic Indian songs

and country western music.

This is a spiritual mystic happening.

- And you intend to bring that live

to the Centerville area this weekend?

- That's right.

- Wow. - On Friday and Saturday

at the Moonlight Inn, out the Centerville Road,

between Centerville and Johnson City.

Just pass the drive-in theater.

I believe that's Route 79. - Right.

- I would like to mention at this time

that Saturday is my birthday.

- Well, listen, how old? - I would like to give

to the first 20 couples who show up a real Indian relic

and an autograph copy of my songbook,

"Chief White Eagle Against The Coyote."

That's the one

with the picture close up showing my eyes ready

to stare down the enemy.

It retails for $2 and 50 cents.

- Yeah, well- - In better stores.

- Well,

just what kind of Indian relic are you talking about Chief?

- Feathers, Indian feathers, all colors.

Red, blue, green, all colors.

If anyone can't make it to the Moonlight Inn,

I will be appearing at Clifford's record store.

- Right. - From noon till 2:00 PM

on Saturday to autograph copies of my album and songbook.

- Right. - Which are supposed

to be on sale there. - Well, thank you Chief

for your kind generosity in letting us speak with you.

I just thank you so much.

- All speaking is a song. - Yes.

Well, Chief, I wondered if maybe you

and your braves might give us just a little bit

of your theme song before you leave.

- Certainly, I'd be happy to. - Good.

Hit it boys.

Good, Chief. Good.

We're just about running,

running out of time and I just want to tell you

that we all really enjoyed that.

Really did. - Thank you.

I also want to tell all the people who can't make it

to the Moonlight Inn or to the record shop

and especially all the shut-ins.

- Yes. - All those shut-ins

who are shut in that you'll be able

to get your free feather and songbook by writing

for my new album to, everybody get your pencil, okay.

Chief White Eagle Ink record and novelty division,

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. - Right, thank you again,

Chief White Eagle-

- Zip code, 10001. - Yes, yes, okay folks,

hold onto you Wigwams,

because here comes Chief White Eagle

and his Braves doing one of their golden oldies.

Hiawatha doesn't live here anymore.

Well, Chief,

I want to wish you a very successful engagement,

and if there's anything, and I repeat,

anything, I can get for you while you're here,

don't hesitate to ask.

- As a matter of fact, there is.

What, Chief.

Yes, yes, I think I can arrange that for you.

I like to call one of my friends though.

Okay?

- She must be blonde, blue eyes, and very young.

- Right, right, right.

Hello Bertha.

It's Mckay Out to Radio Station.

Listen, I got a celebrity friend in town and he needs a,

a special massage.

I think, I think Sara Sue could fill the bill.

Yeah. Yeah.

Now listen, here's what he wants.

- You all right Chief? - Yes. Thank you little one.

- There he goes with that sick stick.

- I'm tired, when do we get abroad?

- Little one, you must take pity on an old warrior

that is about to meet with his ancestor.

- Anything you want Chief. - Good. Good.

Thank you, my dear.

Oh good.

Good. Thank you my dear.

Oh, you're welcome, Your Excellency.

- Curious, very curious Indian.

- Well, everybody's gotta do their own thing.

- Very, very true, my boy.

Well, Corncob, let's get down to business.

- Right Professor, whatever you say.

- Good.

Now Corncob, the next step is going to be the most difficult

and most painful for it involves you and your Sara Sue.

- Now you leave Sara Sue out of this.

- Unfortunately, we can't.

She's become the key to our success.

Sara Sue will become our decoy.

What?

Now, wait, just a gosh darn a minute Professor.

You can't expect Sara Sue to help you rob Big Bertha's.

What, what, Bertha is like a mother to her.

- I know. I know.

You could perhaps not tell her the truth of the matter.

- I'd be lying, I couldn't lie to Sara Sue.

- You're gonna be stealing and breaking the law.

What in God's name is wrong with a little lying?

That's not wrong with a whole lot of stealing.

- I have to tell her the truth.

- Oh, not the, not the whole truth.

Never, never, never tell the whole truth, my boy.

- Professor, I don't think I can go through with it.

- Look at it this way.

Sara Sue will become rich and free.

- Poor Sara Sue.

I'm just dragging her down into a life of sin.

- Think of it Corncob.

No more sharing Sara Sue with the other men.

- I'll do it. - Good. Good.

Sara Sue will become part of our noble plan.

- Yeah, noble plan. - Noble plan, hell.

- Don't you see, Sara Sue?

- What I see is you're fixing a rob Big Bertha

who is like a mother to me. - I'll hit him.

- I'll hit him. - I'll hit him.

- You ain't never hit nobody before.

Listen, this is Alligator Al, I can take care of it.

- You just better make it look real. That's all.

- I will.

You don't think you'll get mad, do you?

- Oh!

Sara Sue, I understand how you feel

and I realize now, honey,

that I can't ask you to do anything

that goes against the wholesome teaching of your main man.

Happy, you'll find upbringing and all.

Excuse me, honey.

Corncob!

- Sara Sue! - Who in the world

were those men? - Sweetheart.

Before I say goodbye and and leave you forever,

I want this here moment to be the best time we ever had

in this here booth.

Our booth for it will surely be the last time.

- Don't say that. - Well, it has to be, hun.

'Cause when I can't pay my gambling debt,

those men you just saw gonna come

and take me away and- - Gambling debt?

But you never told me you gambled.

- Well, nobody's perfect.

What I'm trying to say, Sara Sue, is,

honey, we, we will be able to see each other ever again

in this life at least. - Corncob.

Now I know why you wanted me to help you steal from Bertha.

I can't. - I know.

Oh, I know, I know.

And I understand.

Kiss me, Sara Sue, just kiss me.

Oh, Corncob, don't worry,

I'll do anything so you don't have to go away.

- Sara Sue. - Corncob.

- Good afternoon, Big Bertha's Massage Parlor.

Berth speaking. - Hello, Bertha my dear.

This is Chief White Eagle. - Hi Chief, how are you?

Long time. No hear. - A little request, Bertha.

- Anything Chief,

what can I do for you? - Well, today is my birthday

and my Braves and I are having a little party.

- Happy Birthday, Chief.

You're having a party? How nice.

I was wondering if you would send

that nice little girl we met the other day.

- Sara Sue? - Yes, that's her.

We only meet her for an hour or so.

Only an hour?

I'll send her right away. - No, about midnight.

Oh, and could you ever bring two jars of white lightning?

We forgot to get it the other day.

And our fresh out of it. - I guess so Chief.

Okay chief, you got a deal.

Bye.

- Gentlemen, she says, "We've got a deal."

- Alright, I just gave you the 10 cents.

Here he keeps, whoa!

Chief White Eagle and his Braves,

Manny and Lou Liebowitz,

relax after a hard night's work at the Moonlight Inn.

Manny and Lou were once owners

of a New York based Resier and Girdle outlet

and found the Chief selling Moccasins in Brooklyn.

They backed him, changed his image,

and entered the world of showbiz.

- Wait a minute, you schmuck.

It's Whitey's turn. - All right, Pass. I pass.

- How do you call a schmuck?

How do you call a schmuck?

Schmuck, now please. - Come on, pop.

Watch your mouth. - Boys, boys,

stop fighting like a couple of hungry hounds.

- Wait a minute, listen to this.

A hungry hound knows no pity.

How's that Chief?

Maybe you could make something outta it.

What do you think Whitey?

- We'll take some low melancholy beats under tum-tums.

Ever stop playing like this-

- Damn, what the hell, pop,

can't we have a quiet game of cards without talking shop.

After all it's Whitey's birthday.

- Yes, today's my birthday.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday White Eagle ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

12:30, the Moonshine Special

arrives just outside White Eagle's camp.

- Would you please try to hurry?

- You know, funny.

Put that aside, I mean you may hurt someone, Whitey.

- You know he is right, Chief.

You people don't know how to handle that stuff.

- I'm Chief White Eagle of all that-

And don't you forget- - You hit my son.

- That's right. - I'm gonna hit you,

you son of a bitch.

- My name's not Wilbur, it's Alligator Al.

What do I do If they're awake?

- Ask them for directions to the nearest phone.

- Right, Silent Summer. - Ouch!

As anticipated, Professor's math.

1:00 AM the Professor and his gang having relieved the Chief

and his Braves of their costumes await patiently

for their final command.

And now for our next request

to Betty Lou Massengale from you know who.

Now, here's a special one I ain't heard before.

Sounds like some cold.

Do the Moonshine Special

from the possum that went out on a limb.

I repeat, do the Moonshine-

- That's the signal, all right.

Now we know the Sheriff is at Bertha's.

Well, let's get Corncob and get on with it.

- Bertha, Bertha? - What is it Sheriff?

- Where is Savannah?

I've been waiting for her.

- I forgot, please forgot.

You expect the Hornsby boy, it's his first time.

And I guess a fan is the best for that.

Don't you agree, Sheriff? - Well, I suppose so.

But where's that, leave me now.

I'm waiting to go.

- Priscilla, honey, come here.

I got an emergency I want you to take care of.

Hi there, Kim Wasabi. - Hey Priscilla, honey.

Let's saddle up.

- Good evening, judge.

Enjoy.

Good evening, gentlemen.

- Good evening.

- You are late.

- But I am most definitely here, sweet thing.

- Come on in.

Excuse me.

Would you cheer for a drink? - Just a little.

It's been a long dry trip.

- Amos, honey, we thought we'd lost you for good.

- Bertha, I'm like the bad penny

besides only missed a month.

- Yes, but as you started preaching the circuit,

you always been on time for your monthly rejuvenation.

- I run into some real bad sinners this time around.

- Well, you look like holy hell.

Come on, I got a special lady for you.

One who's a specialist in rejuvenation.

Her name is Veronica.

Come on.

Oh, one thing is, this child don't talk.

- Talking is not what I came for.

- But she don't talk at all, ever.

Come on.

There's plenty of girls for everybody, boys.

But there'll be a short wait.

So you found yourself, yourselves to a drink,

but don't drink too much or you won't enjoy yourselves.

- They will the surprise of their lives.

- Well, for God's sake,

if you hang on to roof and don't turning loose,

understand?

Don't you back out-

Call him Alligator Al.

Makes him happier.

- Think the Sheriff and the Mayor all gonna be-

- Oh, they'll be there. They'll be there.

- Now, don't you tell your mom nothing about tonight

because if you do, my butt's gonna be hanging in a sling.

And if that happens,

you know what's gonna happen to your ass?

- Shit, oh, I ain't going to say nothing.

Like I told you before, I ain't telling.

- Barnabus this is going

to be a night you ain't never going to forget.

Bertha tells me she got someone real special for you.

See, that's how it's your first time and all?

- Shiet, Paul.

It ain't my first time, I done it before.

- Now that heifer you've been raising don't count.

- Oh, I don't want to.

- Now you waiting to come here.

Now I know how you're afraid that

for the first time you won't do too good.

But I want to tell you something

now if you find you are in trouble, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I mean if, if things move too fast for you, Barnabus,

I got an old trick.

I'll, I'll pass on to you.

Think of chopping logs.

- Oh, I wish you hadn't said that.

- Come on boy!

Come on!

- Child, child,

you are by far the most special creature I

have ever laid eyes on.

The good Lord has done his work on you with love and care.

You are a butterfly sprung loose from-

Child?

Veronica?

Sweet thing?

Where have you run off to?

Child? - Amos.

Preacher. - What is it? Who's there?

- It's me, Preacher. - Veronica.

You still there, Preacher?

Preacher? - I'm here, child.

- Preacher, are you really a preacher?

- I am. - Oh Preacher,

I need your help. - Sure, sounds like it.

Sweet child,

the devil has made his home in your body.

A body so fine, it can make a man cry.

- Can you help me Preacher?

- Why Exorcisms is one of my specialties.

I've been a yanking

and a spanking little devils outta sweet young things

like yourself all my life.

- You have? - Oh, yeah.

What the hell y'all doing?

I know you're in this room

and there's no escape.

This is the place, Wilbur, come on.

Come on.

Wilbur, get up there and open the window.

Come on, come on.

Put your foot on my hand, come on.

Come on.

- Gimme a screwdriver. - Screwdriver.

That's not true, brush.

- What did you bring up? - You going stay all night?

- Hurry up. Come on. - Watch.

- You better not start wetting.

- Wrap yourself in the skin of this glorified, sanctified,

grade A, government inspected lamb.

Together there'll be no stopping us.

Together we are gonna tear at this creature

of yours till it flies

from this demon possessed incredible body.

- Oh, Preacher! - Call me Amos.

- Amos! - Better yet,

don't talk at all till I'm finished.

- Hi Barnabus.

I'm Savannah. - Hi!

- Do you wanna dance? - Sure.

- My!

You are fabulous dancer, Barnabus.

- Thanks. - I dance all.

Dance, I mean I tit all the time.

Hurry up!

Get in here!

Rufus, you can stay here by the window and watch.

- But what? - Just watch.

- Corncob. - Yes sir.

- Watch Rufus. - Okay.

- Alligator Al, guard the door.

Go, turn on the light.

Turn on the light.

- This is a special nectar that was served

to the Greek gods. - But that's nothing

but Kentucky mesh and white lightning.

- And Greek God sure knew how to live.

Didn't they? Drink up!

- Absolute silence, gentlemen.

- What? - Silence.

You okay?

Feeling anything like down in your stomach

or high in your chest?

Now just close your eyes and no matter what happens,

don't move.

- What's going to happen, Amos?

- I will call on the spirit of a lamb

to bring you feeling into this luscious body.

We going to blow that old level out of you

'cause I ain't never heard nothing so foul as your voice.

Alligator,

can you hear anything? - Not a thing, Professor.

If you have any trouble,

just think about baseball.

- They usually recommend chopping logs.

- Oh, don't say that.

Don't say that. - Oh, baby.

- I call on the spirit of the lamb.

Come on, Spirit of the lamb.

Do your stuff.

I call on Spirit-

- What's that? - It's a feather plucked

from the plumage of the angel

of chastisements and exorcisms.

The Angel Leroy.

I had hoped I never have to use this,

but the Lord will be done.

You can scream if you like.

- We'll just get you out of these clothes

and into something a little more comfortable.

- Baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball.

Baseball.

- You are a very big bomb.

Baseball!

- Come on, Professor.

Come on.

- Hey, little barbie, I got you.

- I wonder what the sheriff's doing up there.

- If you don't know what he is doing up there.

I ain't gonna tell you.

- Well,

I'm just glad he didn't make me dress up like Toto.

Mind if I smoke?

- No.

You go right ahead.

We thank you, oh Lord,

for these blessings we are about to receive.

- You did it professor. - Damn, he did it.

- Oh, the masked man.

Oh my! - Got you now.

And you're going to pay.

- We're being robbed, get off!

- What the hell is going on here?

- Oh Lord. - Oh, Preacher man-

- Give me strength. - I can feel again.

- Hang on. - The Miracle

- Veronica quick, we're being robbed.

Hallelujah!

- What the hell is going on in this place?

- Professor, somebody's coming.

Give me the money.

Give me the money.

- Somebody's been my bar. - Indians!

- Indians?

- Wait.

- Robbie, go get the car.

We've gotta go out. - Right.

- Take a look at this man.

Take a look at this.

- You know what somebody's following say,

I have never seen anything worse as easily

as perfectly as that say.

- Professor, this is the worst day of my life.

- But you see that expression on that Sheriff's face.

Hey Wilbur, I thought he was gonna, I saw it.

- He ain't shot a gun in 40 years.

What do you think he going hit that?

Almost, fell off that rock.

That's the best thing we ever done.

- I ain't even took nothing from nobody in my life.

- Well, now you have.

And the time you started.

- Take me home, take me home!

- Get back.

- Come on, George. We pulling around.

- Everyone step higher. Stay in step.

- Hold you thieves, it's Sheriff, hold!

- Gentlemen, perhaps we can evade those idiots.

- Where do we go Professor- - Anywhere away from me!

- What does that mean?

- I think it means get lost.

- Sheriff, I saw him running off through the woods there.

- Are you sure?

- What else I'd see something run through?

- Well let's go find out. - Yes sir.

- That's funny. It don't look like rain.

Hey, seen anything? - No sir.

We can't find them damn Indians anywheres around here.

- Well, we know they're around here somewhere.

We gotta keep looking. - I know.

- Have you searched down by the swamp?

- Well, no sir.

Well, I didn't bring my boots

and well that's got a lot of snakes down there.

Send old George. - George, the swamp.

The swamp.

- Gentlemen, our getaway vehicles.

- Professor, you think of everything.

- Naturally.

- Oh, them Indians sure are tricky critters.

But we got to get 'em more 'cause as an election coming up,

- Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, I found them.

I found the Indians.

They camped over by Yellow Creek.

Well, let's go get 'em.

My God, what has been going on here?

George, take care of Sara Sue.

Freeze. You're under arrest.

You so much as that nine, you're a dead Indian.

You hear me? I saw that move.

Don't you dare do that again.

All right now, on your feet too.

I'm taking you in. You're under arrest.

Is that the man Sara Sue?

- Sheriff, Sheriff, I found the money.

Two stacks of it. - I was on worth of stacks.

- Rob, take care of her.

I saw you running out of Bertha's with this stuff.

Now you going to deny it. Huh?

I saw you in my own eyes.

You still gonna deny it?

- I would not take that which is not mine.

And that is mine.

- Now don't make me laugh.

Where are you going to get this kind of money?

- By mail.

This is Anna's bail order money for my records.

Genuine Indian artifacts

in my songbook "Chief White Eagle Against the Coyote."

- Yeah. Yeah, I know all about that.

I heard all about that Chief.

And my eyes ready to stare down the enemy.

Yeah, sure.

Now I know what happened.

I got it all clear in my mind, yeah?

You got a little drunk on your birthday

and you started thinking about the old days, huh?

About the broken peace treaties and cavalry

and the reservations.

And you did some more drinking

and you started brooding

about how you're going to get even with us.

And that's why you tied her to the stake.

My god, man, what kind of beastly, inhuman,

terrible tortures you perpetrate

on that sweet innocent little girl?

- Not so, not so.

I would not harm a hair on the little one's head.

- All right, that's the way you want it.

That's the way it's gonna be.

George, you can go and take Sara Sue home now.

I am going to get to the bottom of this myself.

- Maybe we ought to wait, Sheriff.

- Don't you worry none, Sara Sue.

I'm a professional at extracting information

from reluctant prisoners.

I use,

the psychological approach,

works every time.

Now you just gone now and you tell Bertha not to worry.

- Hey Sheriff, Sheriff.

- My God, man, what have you done?

You crazy?

White men don't scalp Indians.

My God!

What have you done? - Well,

this ain't scalp Sheriff. - What do you mean?

I'm standing here looking at that thing

and you tell me it's not a scalp?

- Sheriff, it ain't a scalp.

It's a two pay.

Get in here, both of you.

It come off his head.

Look, these both got white men's hair underneath.

- My God.

Well, this thing's bigger than I thought.

It's a conspiracy.

Those pole cats have just disappeared right into thin air.

But the only thing we are reasonably sure

of is they're still in the county.

- I don't know what I'll do.

I guess I'll have to shut down.

- Shut down?

Well, Bertha, you can't do that.

- Well, I don't have the money to start a first class again.

And I've had the starting on a shoes dream big.

- Robbie, we gotta move on this.

- Excuse me, Jeff.

Hello, what can I do for you?

- Hello, Bertha.

My name is Elmo Petagru.

Now I represent a group of concerned citizens,

eager to see that Big Bertha's never closes.

Bertha, we have a plan to smoke out those rotten thieves.

- For the first time in the history of Centerville,

every citizen, every man, woman,

and child have joined together

in a holy crusade to flush out those hideous criminals

who robbed Big Bertha's.

- Everybody quiet down.

You turn that damn thing off.

All right, everybody quiet down.

I want y'all to go home,

get your guns and get back here just as fast as you can.

And we're gonna form Posse

and we're gonna find them critters.

We're gonna look onto every rock.

We're gonna look behind every tree

and we're going bring 'em in.

Now go, get going. Hurry up!

- At this very moment,

the enraged citizens of Centerville are arming themselves.

- Robbie? - Yes sir.

- You take 10 men, and ladies,

go down the old country road and you stop anything

that looks strange.

- Well, Cooper snipes always did look a little strange.

- Robbie, shut up.

George. - Come on. Come on.

- You take some people and go down Route 101

and you bring in anything that moves.

Now the rest of you folks,

you get your cars and you follow me.

♪ Cause someone robbed the only house in town ♪

♪ Please don't close Big Bertha's down ♪

♪ It's the only, only house you have in town ♪

♪ Certainly, she's been around ♪

♪ Please don't close Big Bertha's down ♪

♪ It's the only, only house that we have in town ♪

♪ Place to go when you feel down and low ♪

♪ Bertha guarantees that every trip will please you ♪

♪ So we really hate to see her go ♪

♪ No girl will ever tease you ♪

♪ Bertha guarantees that every trip will please you ♪

♪ So we really hate to see her go ♪

♪ So we really hate to see her go ♪

- The news is tightening around our corporates.

As a determined citizen moves in for the kill.

Moving in for the kill?

You hear that? - I'm paying yourself Rufus.

- No water, no food. - Relief is on the way

- Far so is the police.

- Sounds like the whole county's after us.

- I'll never get outta here.

- Gentlemen, I'll figure a way out.

- And now here's our Sheriff, JC Sprew.

Sheriff? - There ain't no way out.

So give up.

Every road is blocked, cut off.

Nobody can come into town and nobody can go out.

So everybody just relax except you blood sucking criminals

who must be holed up in some devil's hole

- That that Sheriff is right, all right?

This is some hole. - Corncob you should

have bought food not whiskey.

- Well, that's what I had in the car.

Hell, I couldn't stop my way for groceries.

The whole damn county is an armed camp out looking

for anything suspicious. - Our very own,

Big Bertha Kowalski.

- I want to thank the many kindly souls who are coming here

to offer testimony on my behalf, I'm truly touched.

- I'd like to now introduce the right reverend Amos Huxley,

who has taken time out from his busy schedule.

- You better find a way out for us, Professor.

I'm so damn hungry. And tired.

- You sinners and your misguided greed.

Must surely by now see

that you have committed a grievous wrong to this town

and to your immortal souls.

But you can turn it around.

You can cleanse your hearts and your souls in part

and get back on the path to purity

by returning the money anonymously

without revealing yourselves.

I am sure that you sinners had no idea

that you was robbing from the most wretched

unfortunate of the world.

- Hell, we robbed a cat house, not a church.

- Stealing from little boys and little girls

without no mammies or pappies.

Little did you know that Big Bertha is everybody's mama,

save the orphanage from going under

and now she herself will be going under out of business.

- Did we do that? - Shh Wilbur,

stop your crying.

- May the Lord be on her side

and strike down the demons that attack her.

Amen! - Amen!

- Beat you, dumb ox.

My name

is Flora May Spring over.

Those of you who remember the little town's library

on Hummock Street before it burned down

will remember me as the librarian.

- That's my cousin.

What the hell is she doing?

- Bertha saved my marriage with her vigorous massages.

She has kept my husband's disposition gentle and pleasant.

- Do you hear that? Vigorous massage?

Real vigorous?

But I can only say from the bottom of my heart

that it isn't fair for a woman

in public service like this should lose her life savings.

It's too much to bear.

- It sure is.

Damn radio!

Damn Bertha's!

Damn Professor!

I wish I was back on my farm growing things.

- Rufus, why don't you show me the transmission

of the trifecta that'll get your mind off things.

- No, goddamn it.

I showed y'all that day before yesterday.

I hate cards. They got me into this.

They took me away from the farm, I love.

They got me hooked up with the Professor

and made me a criminal.

But what have I gotta show for?

I have anything to spend? No.

Locked up in here like a, a rat in a cage while,

while a Professor sits

over there like some mysterious foreigner and, and hums,

and says we can't leave.

- He says through meditating,

he can show us the right road outta here.

Well, I'm leaving.

I'm taking my own road.

I'm through.

I want to go drinking and dancing.

- If you think Bertha is important to you now

when you are a teenager, he says, will you get married?

- What do you mean by telling him that?

- Big mouth kid. - And how come you know

so much about Bertha's?

- Hey, that's my ear.

You going to twist my ear off?

- Twisting on your ear off.

- I'm just seven years old.

And never had no mammy or no pappy.

I think of Big Bertha as my mama, said, all kids,

you crooks robbed from the greatest mama we ever had.

I hope you all burn in hell.

- Gentlemen, we have come to the crossroads.

I have made a decision.

I have chosen the way. - You look strange, Professor.

- Gentlemen, it is a far, far better thing we do today

than we have ever- - Are you okay Professor?

- My friends, we wanted to be rich, not villains.

It's better to be heroes than hated villains chased

from our homes, living lives of despair, et cetera,

so forth.

Give the professor a drink,

he's flipped outta his head.

- I have never been more cogent.

- What's the plan professor?

- We are going to become vigilantes,

give chase to the bandits and return the money.

- We're, what? - The hell we are?

Would you rather be caught and put away?

- You promised that wouldn't happen.

- I lied. - Well, what's your plan?

- You don't deserve this

but I'm going to turn us in and become heroes.

I have them cornered but my friends and I may need help,

At Smiley's barn, yes.

Well, we, we may not be able to wait.

However, if they should attempt to escape,

I may be forced to charge single handedly.

Oh, yes.

If I don't make it, send my fine farewell to Bertha.

I'm doing this for her.

- There it is, folks.

Smiley's barn,

they all spread out and keep low and move in real careful.

Like it's no telling what the environment's going to do.

Spread on out.

Hold, hold!

All right, desperados in there, you better come on up.

This here place is surrounded by,

by practically the whole town.

All right, now we ain't gonna wait long.

You alright?

- I'm alive and so are my companions.

We routed the villains, but I'm afraid they escaped.

- Who were they? - They wore stocking masks.

- We'll get 'em. - The money-

- I'll, I'll give it to Bertha myself, personally.

Bertha, Bertha, are you out there?

- I'm here Professor. - My dear, here's your money.

- Oh, Professor. - These men deserve the same.

You are right.

Girls! - Oh my dear.

- My dear.

This is for you. - Oh, Professor,

you risked your life for me, why?

- I too am an orphan. - How can I ever thank you?

- Let's go to your place.

What could have ended in disasters has ended

in triumph.

Our misguided desperadoes have learned that success

is just around the corner if you use your head.

- Goodbye Rufus.

Remember, as you drive down that great highway of life,

always pass on the left.

- Well, that's beautiful Professor.

Thank you.

- Corncob, my boy. - Yes.

- As you drive down that highway of life,

watch out for Rufus. - I'll do my damnedest.

Professor, I sure will.

- Wilbur, Alligator Al,

for a smooth ride on the highway of life,

take care of your mother.

- Golly. - Professor, honey.

I'm waiting. - Coming, my lovely.

My love.

Girls.

- Goodbye, goodbye! - Goodbye!

May the Lord bless you

and keep all them little devils away.

Congratulations Professor.

You do your thing, Professor.

Big Bertha

is now fulfilling a dream of a lifetime.

With the Professor as her guide.

He is taking a grand tour of the Ballet Capitals

of the United States, Iota, Kansas, Kentucky, Illinois,

and Conneirus Georgia.

With their leader gone,

Rufus T. Oxhammer is supplying organic vegetables

to Priscilla Bacon, now all prospering health food shop.

Rufus, stay!

Wilbur Varnish was well rewarded

for his heroism.

He is now Chief Deputy of Police.

One of his first duties was to lock up his mother.

As for Corncob McKay, night errant.

- This is Corncob Mckay's Midnight to Dawn Soiree.

Coming to you live from Big Bertha's

and signing off once again.

Wishing you all out there, music in your hearts.

- Corncob.

- I'm coming, sweet thing. - Hurry.

♪ Please don't close Big Bertha down ♪

♪ It's the only, only house we have in town ♪

♪ Certainly, she's been around ♪

♪ Please don't close Big Bertha's down ♪

♪ It's the only, only house we have in town ♪

♪ Place to go when you feel down and low ♪

♪ No girl will ever tease you ♪

♪ Bertha guarantees that every girl will please you ♪

♪ So, we really hate to see her go ♪

♪ No girl will ever tease you ♪

♪ Bertha guarantees that every trip will please you ♪

♪ So we really hate to see her go ♪

♪ So we really hate to see her go ♪