Original subtitles

HE SNORES

GULLS CALL LOUDLY

BANGING

Er, excuse me, do you sell buckets?

Buckets? No.

Really?

No call for them. Old-fashioned.

So how do people, you know, like, carry water and stuff?

Well, everything's plumbed-in these days.

You know, it's piped to wherever it needs to be

so there's no need for anyone to carry any by hand.

What colour bucket?

Well, doesn't really matter. Any colour.

No, sorry, I can't help you.

A hosepipe, that's the closest we do. Garden section.

OK.

Excuse me?

Is that right that you don't sell buckets any more?

I'm sorry?

Your colleague just told me that you don't sell buckets any more

because they're old-fashioned.

Do you mean those things that people used to carry water in?

Yeah.

Oh...

We haven't stocked buckets in a while, mate.

Tell you what, you might want to try the Vintage and Antiques Emporium.

TANNOY: Enjoy big savings on solvents this summer at Tool Box.

White spirits, meths and turpentine...

Did you see Celebrity Barrel Scrapers last night?

Did I see what?

Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.

It's like... You know Barrel Scrapers, the show?

Well, it's like that but the celebrity version.

I haven't got a telly. Are you serious,

there's a programme called Celebrity Barrel Scrapers?

Yeah. Didn't recognise any of the celebrities in it, though.

Apart from that bald bloke from, er, what's-it-called...

It's funny, though.

What do they do, the celebrities?

Just, you know, scrape the barrels out, get 'em clean.

Gets really messy. It's dead good.

Hang on, you don't have a TV?

No.

Prick.

Everyone's going to the pub next Friday after work.

It's someone's birthday. You coming?

Whose birthday?

Bloke who cuts the MDF.

Andre. Mm-hm.

Maybe. I'll see.

A big tall guy, about six foot. A big white bea..

Him! Him, there, with the white beard!

Him! OK, thank you. I'll, um...

Here we go.

Did you tell that customer we don't sell buckets?

No.

He said you told him we don't sell buckets,

that there's no call for them.

Oh, BUCKETS? Oh! Is that what he was after?

YAWNING: I couldn't understand what he was saying.

What time do you go to bed?

None of your business, Gordon.

It is my business if my staff are falling asleep on their feet

and they can't hear the customers properly.

You don't lose your hearing when you're tired. Oh...

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hilary? Is everything OK?

OK, I'll be right there. No...

No, it's fine. I'm not busy.

No, honestly, it's not a problem.

Yes.

OK, I'm on my way.

I've got to go. Me dad's lost something.

Lost something?

Have you been on your break?

Oh, hello, love. Sorry.

No, it's all right. What's happened?

I would've waited till you came in later,

but he was upset and threatening to call the police. Really?

Tina found this on his bed when he was at breakfast

and brought it to me.

He noticed it was missing and kicked off.

Bloody 'ell!

Right, um...

Well, I'll...I'll see if I can get to the bottom of it.

Thanks, Hilary. Sorry.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, Dad. Oh, I'm glad you're here.

There's a thief in this place and I've had enough!

It's outrageous. I'm writing a letter.

All right, Dad, calm down. No-one's stole it.

I've got it here. They didn't know what it was.

It says quite clearly on the tin what it is - poison.

Well, exactly. They were worried.

I'm not a child.

Why have you got a tin of poison? What is going on?

Give it here.

Right.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Oh, they're all there. Thank God for that.

I couldn't replicate these. Once they're gone, they're gone.

Seriously, Dad, why have you got six phials of poison?

This is the antidote that dissolves the homunculi,

only to be used in case of emergency.

It was given to me, I don't know what's in it,

and I couldn't make it again.

Did you find the diaries?

Mike? Eh?

Did you find the instructions?

Yes. Excellent. So have you got it set up?

No, Dad. I haven't had time.

Well, the sooner you start the chanting, the sooner you'll be able

to get results and the sooner you'll be able to ask about Clea.

You have to chant to the bottles.

It's all there in the instructions.

Wh-what...what's wrong?

This was in the journal.

There they are!

Oh, my God. I'd forgotten I took this.

Dad, I'm so confused.

I thought that this was just a bedtime story.

I didn't think it might actually be real.

Trust me. You want to know where Clea is?

When she's coming home?

They can answer any question,

and they're compelled to answer truthfully.

OK. Just remind me what they actually are.

Homunculi. Prophesying spirits.

Right. I looked up "homunculus" in the dictionary, and it said,

"A very small, humanoid creature."

That's it, yeah. "That's it"?!

So, what, a human? An animal?

Is this legal?

Well, it's not ILLEGAL.

That doesn't exactly put my mind at rest, Dad!

Trust me.

Yes, yes. All right.

Before I forget, will you post some letters for me?

More competitions?

Yeah. This one's foot spa,

this one's dog grooming classes,

and this one's a Lamborghini.

Fingers crossed.

Oh, and this one, er, you'll need a stamp.

You'll have to go to the Post Office.

It's going to Vancouver, to my old school friend Vic.

Oh, righto. How is Vic these days?

Much the same. Not much to say for himself, but, er...

..he always asks after you. After me? Does he?

Yeah, yeah, very interested in what you're up to.

Did I ever meet him?

Um... Maybe once, when you were little.

Right. Well, next time...

..tell him I said hello.

Hello, Olive. Hello, Michael.

What you got there? Jars?

Yep, jars. Big, aren't they?

Yep, big jars. What are you sprinkling today?

Ant powder. Oh, yeah?

Little bastards coming indoors and eating all the cake.

Wankers.

Got to get them early, otherwise they start bloody flying.

You know that? They sprout wings and start bloody flying

all over the place on 4th of July, Independence Day.

So, I'm putting the powder down.

Yeah, that'll learn 'em. Mm!

See you later, Olive. Cheerio.

OK, Dad. I'm doing this, am I?

Can you put those in a bag for me? Thank you.

VOICEMAIL: Please leave a message.

Hello, um, this is, er, Michael. Michael Sleep.

I'm just leaving a message.

I won't be coming in today, I'm afraid.

I've got a bit of a runny bottom.

Morning, Michael. Morning.

Er, morning.

Are you just getting rid of some stuff?

Er, just moving it.

Oh, to out the front here?

That's right. It's only temporary.

CLANGING

I was going to say,

I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to take your hedge back.

Don't be sorry. It's lucky, actually.

I spotted a pair of chaffinches

nesting in the ivy,

so I'm glad that we didn't disturb them.

Chaffinches? Chaffinches!

CLATTER

That reminds me, your security light at the front,

it's flashing on and off, on and off, all night.

Is it?

There must be a branch or a twig or something waving across it.

You probably don't notice it if your bedroom's at the back.

I'll take a look. Yes, it's on and off, on and off.

All night - on and off, on and off. It's, like, every few minutes.

It's light pollution.

It's disturbing the little chaffinches.

Light pollution... OK.

Just off to the DIY store. Do you need anything?

No. Thanks.

Are you sure? I get a... Nope. I get a staff discount.

No, thanks. All right.

All right, skiver?!

I thought you had the shits!

Sh!

Don't let him know I'm here!

Do you know, I'm having to do twice as much work cos of you.

Well, you usually do fuck all, so twice fuck all is still fuck all.

Mm.

Why are you here?

I need you to get some stuff for me.

Jesus.

All right, let me finish me cig.

And, er, remember to get the staff discount. OK.

You building a bomb?

No!

Crystal meth?

HE SCOFFS

What?

Well, what's all this for?

I'm cleaning me fish tank. What fish have you got?

Pilchards. You're lying.

It's for a project. I'll tell you about it another time.

Did he see you? Gordon? No.

Kacey, I just wanted to say, you've still got me credit card.

You're welcome!

# I've got something I keep to myself

# I've got something I keep to myself

# I've got something I keep to myself

# And I'm not gonna tell you what it is

# Not gonna tell you what it is. #

HE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC

BRIAN: Before the jars are sealed,

in each must be placed a mineral seed item

from which the homunculus will grow.

The seeds must be carefully selected

and be specific to the creature's station.

For the Knight, a brass key.

For the Monk, the nib of a pen.

For the Peasant, a plain, undecorated button.

For the Seraph, a crystal of amethyst.

For the Queen, a gold ring.

And for the King, a silver coin, as old as you can find.

Why does he have to behave like this?

It's like every little thing he does is designed to wind me up.

I mean, what the hell's his problem?

Bev?

Huh?

I'm saying, "What's his problem?"

Who?

Gandalf the friggin' Grey! Who do you think?!

It sounds like you're the one with the problem.

Why can't you just ignore him?

How can I, with that racket going on?

SILENCE

HE SIGHS

Why can't he just be normal?

What're you doing?

I put a mirror down there. Oh, and that's normal, is it?

Can you believe he's had the nerve

to complain about our security light?

Light pollution he's accused me of.

I mean, his place is crawling with vermin.

The amount of insects in his garden is disgusting.

Spiders, wasps...

..bees.

And the effing sparrows chirping all day long in the bushes.

Oh, it drives me insane.

Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia,

et ex praecordiis sonent...

Great. He's praying.

That's all we need - a religious fanatic.

Bev!

What?!

What're you listening to?

A podcast. About what?

Sex trafficking.

Et ex praecordiis

sonent praeconia,

resedant... Rekedant?

Recedant vetera...vetera...

Sacris solemniis! Iuncta sint gaudia!

SOFTLY: Et ex praeconis...

..sonent...

DULLY: Sacris solemniis

iuncta praecordia...

..et ex praeconiis...

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Are you coming to the pub? Who is this?

Kacey! Are you coming to the pub?

What time is it? I dunno.

Look, we're at the Open As Usual. You said you'd come.

Why do you want me to come to the pub so much?

I'm not asking you out on a date! I'm just saying we're at the pub.

Fuck's sake, I'm just being friendly.

All right, I'm sorry.

Which pub? Open As Usual.

All right? Yeah.

You all right?

You made it.

You must be made up.

Yeah, I might start weeping.

BRIGHAM GIGGLES

Oh-ho! Oh, here he is, Weirdy Beardy!

Hey, someone get this man a drink!

HE GIGGLES

Michael? Michael! Are you a train spotter? No.

GIGGLES

Are you a virgin?

What are you talking about?

How old are you, 50?

50-year-old virgin!

LAUGHTER

Oh, shut up, Brigham. How old are you, five?

BRIGHAM GIGGLES

I love this freak!

My mate used to work at a restaurant when you worked there.

Some burger place.

Oh, yeah, Burgers Burgers Burgers on the high street.

Yeah. Said he stripped off in front of all the customers!

Only to me vest and pants.

"Only to me vest and pants!"

What for?

I was resigning and they wanted the uniform back.

My mate said, right, he swipes a banoffee pie off the counter,

comes out front, strips off, flips the manager the bird,

and then walks out in his boxers. LAUGHTER

Is that true? Nearly. It was a sticky toffee pudding.

And I had to come back because me clothes and keys

were in the staffroom.

Oh, no, no, I'm only having the one. I've got the car.

Leave it here, get the bus! Where do you live?

Marvin Gardens, just off the Wilmslow Road.

Oh, my God, yeah, I know it.

Listen, it's a 20 minute walk from here. You're fine.

Do you know Danielle?

She used to live on the corner of Marvin Gardens. I was mates with her

at school. I ain't spoken to her in years, though.

She went off to catering college.

Oh, my God, there used to be this house on Marvin Gardens, right,

that was just, like, full of junk

and, like, the garden was an absolute jungle.

And, I mean, this bloke lived there, but nobody saw him.

Well, Danielle saw him a few times, but, anyways...

..he murdered his wife.

Yeah, everyone knew. I mean, the police dug up his garden

and everything, but they never found owt.

They reckon he dissolved her in battery acid

and flushed her down the loo, so he got away with it.

How long have you lived there?

Oh, my God, that's your house!

Did you murder your wife?

SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

I was never married.

But, no, I've never murdered anyone,

let alone flushed somebody down the toilet.

Come to think of it, everything Danielle said was absolute bullshit.

Michael? Michael!

BRIGHAM GIGGLES

Do you like Star Trek?

GIGGLES MANICALLY

So...were you really an underwater welder?

What's that? Were you really an underwater welder?

Oh, no, I made that up.

Do you know, I knew it, you bullshitter!

I went down a two-hour underwater-welding rabbit-hole

last night! I mean, I watched videos on YouTube!

I know everything about it.

So how does that work, then? The fire underwater thing?

I'm not telling ya.

Your mate's story, it wasn't all bullshit, though.

The police did dig up my garden.

Did me a favour, actually. Had to clear up afterwards

and left it in a better state than it was before!

Well, what were they looking for, then?

Me girlfriend.

She left one day and she never came back.

Everyone thought I'd killed her for a while.

I didn't kill her.

I love her.

Michael! Do you collect stamps? GIGGLES

Why do you find me so weird, Brigham? I don't get it.

Just don't worry about him.

No, I don't understand. Is it simply because I have a beard?

Or because I don't go on the paintballing trips?

Cos that ain't that bloody weird, is it?

Jason wears gold boots

with wings on, but here you all are

ripping into me!

Oh, careful, watch out, or he'll strip down,

but only to his vest and pants!

You don't know anything about me.

If you knew what I'm actually growing in my shed...

GIGGLING: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop right there, thank you very much.

What are you actually growing in your shed?

What you don't know... Yeah?

..is that I am actually growing homunc...

..homunculi.

BRIGHAM LAUGHS

I beg your pardon? Homunculi!

They are prophesying spirits

that can predict the future,

and I am growing them in jars in my shed.

So when I'm winning billions on the lottery,

you won't be laughing then, will ya, eh?

What the fuck are you on about?!

SHOUTS: Homunculi!

All right!

Let's get you home, yeah?

BRIGHAM GIGGLES

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

So...

..what are you growing in jars in your shed?

Homunculi.

And what's a homunculi? No.

No. "Homunculi" is plural.

"Homunculus" is singular.

And they are creatures. They're like little people.

They're like little people in jars.

Like sea monkeys?

They're a little bit like sea monkeys

but they can predict the fuchsia...

Fuchsia!

I had sea monkeys once.

They were really disappointing.

Like, the advert said that they were so eager to please,

but my ones, they couldn't give an apparent fuck.

They're not sea monkeys, they're homunculi.

Can I come and see 'em?

No. Nobody can see them at the moment

because they are invisible to the human naked eye. So, no.

OK.

You don't have to walk me home. I'm fine.

Hey, I'm not walking you home. I live this way.

Fine.

SARCASTICALLY: Fine!

This is me.

All right, yeah, cool. I'm just...

SHE SIGHS SOFTLY

HE SIGHS SOFTLY

HE SNIFFS

HE INHALES RAGGEDLY

CREATURE GROWLS SOFTLY

# I know we're older now

# And lost again

# Down at the cul-de-sac

# You left, my friend

# I put the kettle on

# The wise man sung for you. #