Original subtitles

MAN 2: Tell us what you know!

(SCREAMING)

MAN 1: I've nothing to tell.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

MAN 2: Does anyone here know if this man speaks the truth?

Come on! Fess up!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

MAN 2: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for visiting the Tower of London.

(MOBILE RINGING)

YUSUF: Have you got the tracker?

EVE: Yes.

YUSUF: Don't lose her.

I guess I 've never known anyone in my life who really challenges me.

But maybe you'll be different.

(MOBILE DINGS)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(MOANING AND KISSING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(TYRES SQUEAL)

(ENGINE HISSING)

BARBARA: How much longer are we gonna be here?

PHIL: I'm sure we'll be moving soon, Barbara.

Okay. Question number 45,

on what day did God create

creatures who swim in the sea and fly in the sky?

Question number 46.

Who killed Sisera by stabbing him in the head with a tent peg?

Ouch!

Question number 47.

In John 11:35, Jesus wept.

Why did he weep?

Clue, it's not because his coach broke down on the N4.

I have something I'd like to say.

Okay. Is it about the quiz or...

"There shall be more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repents

"than over 99 righteous persons that need no repentance."

Luke, Chapter 15.

Thank you, Nelle.

Okay, can you please all pass your sheets to the front?

Okay, so to avoid a repeat of last year,

I've decided to allocate you your tents,

so if you can please try and stick to your own.

Barbara...

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Just leave it!

(♪ ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYING)

♪♪♪♪

He wants you gone.

He knows something happened between you and the daughter,

he just doesn't know what.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean what am I doing here?

I'm here to guide you, remember?

I'm your spiritual guru.

Er, first piece of advice...

(SPITS)

...don't eat the weird camping food.

(CHUCKLES)

Come.

You want to know why I look and sound like you?

Don't deny it, I can see into your brain.

Come.

Everyone experiences me differently.

I appear to some as an angel,

to some as a voice in the clouds,

to some as a burning bush.

But for you, I'm you in drag.

Does that make sense?

Yes.

You and I both know how well you're doing.

Your goodness is really starting to "pop".

You just need to convince him of it.

You can't let him stand in the way of your transformation.

He doesn't believe in me.

Ah, he's just threatened by you.

Make things right with the daughter, and the vicar will follow.

Go on.

Go get them, tiger!

Whoa...

Knock, knock.

And behold,

the dove returned to Noah with a freshly plucked olive branch in her beak.

You have to use your imagination.

I need to finish unpacking.

Let me help you.

I know you're scared of me.

You tried to kill me.

- Yet you're still alive. - So you admit it?

That's not the point.

The point is I, I didn't kill you!

What does that matter?

You tried to drown me but it's fine because you didn't finish the job?

- It matters, okay? - I don't understand.

I'm a bad person who's trying to be good.

You know when one person thinks you're evil,

everyone else starts to think it.

And after a while, you start to believe it yourself.

That's why it matters that you're still alive.

It's working. I'm getting better.

And it's all thanks to being around people like you.

(DOOR BEEPS AND OPENS)

(EVE SIGHS)

Pack your bags, baby.

I'm taking you to Paris.

What is this?

I know we agreed this is gonna be a casual arrangement,

but, I'm really starting to feel, you know...

Whoa! What are you doing?

I told you before this even started.

No overnight stays, no presents, no mini-breaks...

I'm joking! Jesus!

So the data from the tampon tracker came back.

Helene lives in Champ de Mars in Paris.

Why didn't you just say that?

Give it...

Can you see?

(EVE SIGHS)

Paris...

I thought we could spend a couple of days doing reconnaissance.

We can stake out her house, we can track her movements

and get a real sense of how she operates on her ground.

Or I could just knock on the front door.

Or you could just knock on the front door.

Yeah, why didn't I think of that?

You know, you really were wasted behind that desk at MI5.

Isn't it time for one of your meal breaks?

How do you know she won't just kill you?

I mean, The Twelve, they've probably got your mug shot up on the wall, right?

"Axe murderer, refuse entry."

Hey, I'm just trying to inject a little know-how into your revenge.

Well, what if your know-how isn't the only know-how worth knowing?

You know what you are?

You're like one of those people, they adopt a lion cub.

They're like "Oh, no, we have a connection, it would never hurt me!"

And then, it rips their stupid head off.

Wait, I'm not saying that you're stupid, I'm just... Where are you going?

For a second opinion.

Oh, a second opinion...

(♪ ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYING)

♪♪♪♪

(BARBARA LAUGHING)

MAY: I want to show you something.

Won't your dad be angry?

Probably.

BARBARA: Oi!

Barbara, okay.

(MAY SIGHS)

Are you going to kill me now?

No, I'm going to save you.

There is something all coiled-up in you

and it's stopping you from being who you want to be.

There's only one way to uncoil it.

(SCREAMS)

You try, Nelle, let yourself go!

(MAY SCREAMS)

VILLANELLE VISION: Oh! You did it!

She's totally into you again!

What's the matter? Aren't you pleased?

No, I'm really pleased.

You want to spin with me?

It's a little juvenile for me... Are you kidding?

Of course I do!

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

(GATE CREAKING)

- Hey. - Oh, hey, this, erm...

This is for meeting me last minute, thank you.

(CHUGGING)

(GROANS)

I can't take alcohol into a secure unit.

So what did you want to ask me?

I've got five minutes until my cannibal.

How do you get what you want out of them?

You mean my patients?

Yeah, but the really dangerous ones,

not the one-hit-wonders.

Eve, what I "want out of them" is to help them.

Oh, please. Go on.

Okay, uh, generally,

people only talk if they think they're getting something in return.

Work out what they want and then give it to them.

Or appear to give it to them.

So, if I know the person wants to be challenged,

I should just go ahead and challenge her?

Just knock on her door, so to speak?

A direct approach might work, but I wouldn't recommend it.

If there's a problem, I have a personal alarm and two nurses

and a decade of experience protecting me from them.

Well, maybe I'm more of a "them" these days than I am a "you".

Thanks for your help.

How is Villanelle?

Oh, you know.

She's a Christian now.

Is that possible?

Human beings like to believe in change.

But what do you think?

I think reinvention is a form of avoidance.

Don't get eaten.

(WATER SPLASHING)

How's the midlife crisis going?

Swimmingly.

There will be a proper debrief in due course.

But first, we require a little co-operation.

I'm sorry for this.

Don't be. If I were in your position,

I'd be hooking my nipples up to electrodes.

I'd forgotten what an awful flirt you are.

VLAD: Shall we?

She visits a sex club in Swindon once a month.

Very good.

She has a birthmark,

in the shape of a donkey on her left buttock.

Indeed, an arse on her arse.

VLAD: Anything else?

She's also addicted to opiates.

And the last one.

This one is a self-serving egotist

who thinks solely with his nether regions.

He's prime for a honey-trapping.

Is that all you want from me?

For now.

In that case, I want a new passport,

access to whatever files I haven't seen

and an office that doesn't smell of dysentery.

(CHUCKLES)

We wouldn't even let you into the building, let alone give you an office.

Is that right?

You defected, Carolyn.

To help you smoke out The Twelve, Vlad,

like you've always wanted, like I've always wanted.

But now I want it slightly more

because one of them ordered the death of my son.

I hear what you're saying, but...

Forgive me.

People here don't like rats.

It's for your safety more than anything.

Once this new information comes good,

we'll set you up with all the resources you need.

May, a word?

Where have you two been?

I took Nelle to the clearing.

You missed Capture the Flag. You've always loved that game.

Yeah, well, people change.

Well, can't you see that's what I'm worried about?

I think he's really warming to me.

He's such a hypocrite.

He doesn't want me to be around you,

but he's not so different himself.

(SCOFFS) Me and him?

The same?

You think you've done some bad stuff, but...

But what?

I shouldn't say.

It's not fair for you to have to keep his secrets.

Jesus would want you to be honest.

He killed my mum.

Er, say that again.

He tells everyone that "Mary died in a car crash".

But he leaves out the most important part.

He was the one who was driving.

He was the one who was drunk.

Please, you can't tell anyone.

Of course not.

(MAY SOBBING)

(GROUP LAUGHING)

Am I Hitler?

ALL: Yes!

Who did this?

It's just a game, Nelle.

Ah!

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Okay, well, now it's my turn to write one!

PHIL: Yes!

Yeah.

It's Bible themed.

So you're going to love it!

- (GROUP CHEERING) - Yes!

PHIL: It's what we like!

Okay.

Am I a man?

GROUP: No.

No?

Am I alive?

GROUP: No.

Am I a contemporary of Jesus?

GROUP: Yes. VILLANELLE: No.

No. Actually...

Did... Did I say Bible-themed?

GROUP: Yes.

I meant Phil-themed.

Phil-themed?

Yes.

Nelle, what are you doing?

No, it's okay, May. It can be about me, if that's what Nelle wants.

At least she's taking part.

Er, okay, Nelle. So, it's me-themed.

Is it someone I know?

Knew.

Am I my mother?

(GROUP LAUGHING)

No.

Am I our old cat?

Do you want a clue?

You were killed unlawfully.

I don't know anyone that was killed unlawfully...

Oh, think a bit harder.

Do you give up?

The answer is

your dead wife

who you killed in a car crash when you were drunk.

Yeah.

Better luck next time.

I'll get the sausages.

That was not what we discussed.

Did you see his face?

(GASPS MOCKINGLY)

Don't ever do something without running it past me again,

or I will smite you!

(SIGHS)

I can't be mad at you.

(LAUGHS)

You know, if you hadn't called him out, I would've had to.

No, we can't have murderers as vicars.

Er, you can't?

I didn't mean you.

- Oh. - You're fine.

You're not pretending to be perfect.

Now, you've been naughty, sure.

But he, has a really nasty streak.

You know, I once took the devil out of a man in Gerasa

and put him into a herd of pigs.

People loved it.

And guess what? They're going to love you too.

You've saved them from the evil in their midst.

Don't worry! I'm back!

What's the matter?

Did someone get murdered?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay...

You, Malala, unpack these.

You get some more wood for the fire.

You, put some music on. Huh? This is supposed to fun.

I knew you was bad inside. I saw it from the beginning.

Nobody cares what you think, Barbara.

MAN: I do.

Did you not see what happened?

I, er... I cast out a demon.

He's not the demon. It's you who should go, missy.

GROUP: Yes!

Why are... Why are you defending the vicar?

He killed his wife and then he lied about it!

Whatever he did, it's in the past.

It's the man he is today we care about.

(GROUP AGREEING)

What about the woman I am now?

Do you know how many times I've won Parishioner of the Week award?

Cos you invented it!

GROUP: Yeah!

There's a saying in my family.

You can put a wig on shit, but it still stinks of shit!

You said they'd love me!

A rat, for a rat.

YUSUF: How many toilet breaks do you think you're gonna need, a day?

I'm doing a rota for the stake-out. How many toilet breaks?

You're loving this, aren't you?

YUSUF: Aren't you?

I might not come out of this.

I'm gonna give you four, in case of nervous poos.

EVE: When we get there, I want to have steak.

YUSUF: Steak!

I thought you wanted to eat steak.

I did. It's overdone.

YUSUF: Okay, what is going on?

On the way here you were all Dragon Tattoo and now,

Can we just get the bill?

You are not going to die.

We are not even going to go near her.

This is just a recce.

And I really know what I'm doing.

Yusuf, please.

(EXHALES)

(YUSUF SPEAKING FRENCH)

Have you taken the steak knife?

- What? No, of course not... - Show me your bag.

- No! - Show me it.

- No, I... - I'll take a look.

No! No, no, no...

- Eve... - Stop it. No!

YUSUF: Okay. (SCOFFS)

You wanna do it your way?

You want to knock on that door, without knowing what's on the other side,

and you think that this is gonna protect you?

Well, it has before.

(CLATTERS)

Eve, you want to hunt down The Twelve,

you wanna kill the top brass,

you wanna die while doing it, you have my support, one hundred percent.

But this way, you will die before you even get close.

Gotta hold something back for what's to come.

Let's get out of here.

(WAITER SPEAKS FRENCH)

Right, thanks, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

- I will get it. - We will split it.

(VLAD AND CAROLYN LAUGHING)

It's worse for me.

It probably...

Now Marina thinks I'm just a terrible cook!

Oh, yes, I forgot.

I've brought you, a present.

A present?

What have I done to deserve this?

It had infiltrated my kitchen cupboard.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

A little light intimidation.

You know my people wouldn't be doing their jobs correctly without it.

So has my information proved useful?

Partially.

Please, tell me.

How can someone be partially blackmailed?

Well,

the child with the floppy hair, he has fallen hard for his honey-trap...

What are you keeping from me, Vlad?

Don't try and outsmart me. You haven't got the neurons.

Mmm.

The woman with the ass on her ass,

she was found dead about an hour ago.

She hanged herself.

Fortunately, her children weren't there.

(GASPS)

Well...

- These things happen. - Hmm.

Drugs ruin lives.

Mmm.

(EXHALES)

If the waiter comes, I'm going to have the veal.

Excuse me just a moment...

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

Come to get this?

Actually, I've come to cook you dinner.

But I'll take it.

What are we having?

Shepherd's pie.

Where are your knives?

Ah!

You want to know how I knew it was a tracker?

I don't use applicator tampons.

I've never understood women who can't insert

their own fingers into themselves -

Ah!

(EVE GASPS)

Ooh, let me see.

Ooh.

(GASPS)

I feel rude you cooking me dinner

when I hardly know anything about you.

Tell me about yourself.

I like holidays, dogs, long walks on the beach.

And?

And I want to bring down The Twelve.

I want to cut the head off the monster.

That's wonderful.

I like all of those things too.

And guess what?

I also want to cut the head off the monster.

Really?

Amazing isn't it, when you find someone you can really connect with?

It's so rare!

- But you're one of those... - So?

So why would you want to destroy them?

(BEEPING)

Oh.

So this is what you're into.

Torturing your way through The Twelve,

picking them off one by one.

I don't usually do the torture myself.

This is a special treat.

Does it hurt?

Only if I let it.

(GASPS)

Don't move.

I've only got lobster tail.

You don't have to do this alone.

Who's at the top?

I'll tell you after dessert.

(CHLOE SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Chloe, this is my new friend Eve.

Eve is the best bedtime storyteller in the world.

Would you like her to read you a story?

(CHLOE SPEAKING FRENCH)

HELENE: She won't let you go until you've done it.

She's got her mother's determination.

Oh, come on, don't ruin the moment.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Who's at the top?

If you're so up for a challenge, work it out yourself.

You're right.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Hey, hey! What it is you want to do exactly?

I'll tell you after dessert sometime.

(DOOR OPENS)

MAY: I didn't see what you saw. I saw something, something good.

PHIL: And now?

MAY: And now I don't think anyone could love her.

I think she's the devil!

(PHIL SCREAMING)

(MAY SCREAMING)

MAY: Help!

(SCREAMS)

VILLANELLE VISION: There, there.

Come on.

Don't hate yourself.

You were the perfect little lamb.

A shepherd like me couldn't have...

(GRUNTS)

Very good.

You really got me.

No one else could've done it.

I thought I could do it.

Oh, baby.

You didn't stand a chance.

Hmm.

(THUDS)

(VILLANELLE VISION SCREAMS)

(STABS)

(LAUGHS)

(CACKLING)

(VILLANELLE VISION GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

(CACKLING)

Oh, don't stop now.

Huh?

Come on, finish the job!

(TENT FLAP UNZIPPING)

Boo-hoo!

(TENT FLAP ZIPPING)