Original subtitles

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You thought you'd win, didn't you?

That you'd live forever, that you could beat death.

Well, sadly, death finds everyone sooner or later.

Too bad for you it was sooner.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Well, perhaps death was right on schedule.

I guess we'll never know.

[GHOSTLY LAUGHTER]

You'll know.

You!

When it's your time to die.

No!

You're dead!

You can't hurt anybody anymore.

Are you so sure, my faithful lawyer?

Death isn't always so neat and tidy.

Chat later.

[GHOSTLY LAUGHTER]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GHOSTLY LAUGHTER]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Shadows of darkness, spirits within, harness the energy,

let it begin.

By the power of my will, essence of my soul,

make this woman reveal her goal.

Cindy, my dear, draw from the uncharted.

You're on the clock now so I suggest you get started.

[CLICK]

[LOW MOANING]

Wow.

Can you really foretell the future, Madam Zola?

That would be so cool.

Past, present, future.

All is known to those who possess the powers

of the psychic world.

And you really possess those powers?

Yes, I recently repossessed them.

You know, I've never really done anything like this before.

Zola already knows that.

Of course, you know everything.

You came to the right place.

Now tell me, what is troubling you?

I'm not sure if I should tell you everything.

[SIGHS]

Please, in order to help you, I must first know your desires,

your needs, your fears.

My fears?

Well, I'm afraid of enclosed spaces, open spaces, hot food,

cold food, gluten-free food, children,

vampires, birds, cornucopia--

OK.

Just give me the "Reader's Digest" version.

[SIGHS] Well, I don't have a boyfriend.

I can't pay my rent.

And I'm failing all my most important classes.

I just suck at animal husbandry 101.

Hm, really?

Let us consult the crystal ball.

Look deep into the crystal.

Tell me what you see.

I see--

I see a crystal ball.

Right.

Um, there must be a bad connection to the spirit world.

Might be the weather.

We'll do this old school.

Let me see your palm.

Uh, front or back?

Front.

Well?

I see your fortunes are about to change, very soon.

Soon?

How soon is soon?

Soon enough.

Will I be able to pay my rent?

I don't know that yet.

Will I stopped sucking at animal husbandry?

Well, that's up to you.

What about romance?

What about passion?

Will I find it?

Close your eyes.

Passion will soon find you.

Very soon.

What do you feel?

Mm, I feel--

it kind of feels like a boob.

Hey, what are you doing?

Please, I can see your future and it's a hot one,

filled with much passion.

You can't escape your destiny.

[SIGHS] Well, I have been in a bit of a dry spell lately.

And I have to be honest with you.

I can't pay you for today.

I'm flat broke.

But I'll give you my IOU.

Trust me.

Your credit is good here.

I really do know what's about to happen next.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

[DOOR CLOSES]

SARA: Cindy, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

Where have you been all day?

I know you're going to laugh at me.

But I went to see Madam Zola.

Madam Zola?

She's a psychic advisor.

[SCOFFS] Oh, please, Cindy, like you're not already

strapped for cash as it is.

I know.

I just-- I really needed some good news right now.

And did you get your money's worth?

I guess you could say that.

What's that?

Another note from Mr. Catwhistle.

Ah, it's probably about the rent again.

CINDY: It seems like we get one of these every month.

That's because we're always behind on rent

right every month.

Well, don't worry.

Madam Zola said a change in my future

is right around the corner.

You can't be serious.

Of course I am.

Before you know it, good fortune will come knocking at the door.

You can't be serious.

[KNOCKING]

See?

It must be Mr. Catwhistle here to collect the rent.

Quick.

Run out the back.

I'll go distract him.

Oh, please.

That gag only works on "Three's Company."

Miss Storm?

Who's asking?

My name is Cosgrove.

May I come in?

OK.

I am an attorney.

I represent the estate of the late Lady Dracovich.

CINDY: Dracovich?

The late Lady Dracovich.

Late?

Late for what?

No, no.

I don't mean that kind of late.

What I meant to say was, she's departed.

Oh, she farted.

Departed, Cindy.

Yes, dead.

Dead people fart?

Oh, no. No.

OK.

Look, it is my duty to inform you,

Cindy Storm, the Lady Dracovich has

left you her entire estate--

everything, lock, stock, and barrel.

What am I supposed to do with stocks and barrels?

The estate consists of Dracovich Manor, its content,

and the surrounding property, plus a moderate source

of ready cash.

Money!

Here's the keys.

Yes!

Wait a minute.

Have you ever met this Lady Dracovich before?

Well, no.

Well, then why would she want to leave

you her entire fortune?

Ah, that's simple.

No one ever liked Lady Dracovich.

And when she died, suddenly, she left specific instructions--

the first person to push Like on her Myspacebook page

would inherit her estate.

So you hit Like on someone's death notice.

I thought it was Mr. Malkovich, my history teacher.

Dracovich, Malkovich.

I didn't know vich was vich.

Why don't we meet later in the afternoon at the house?

I can turn over the deed to you and give you Lady

Dracovich's final instructions.

OK.

See you then.

There is one final thing.

This book.

You are to protect this book at all costs.

Failure to do so would mean that you forfeit your inheritance.

Do you understand?

Protect book.

Got it.

OK.

[SNAP]

But never read it.

The instructions are very specific.

I'm not much of a reader anyways so no worries.

Excellent.

I hope so.

Well, ladies, good day.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

I'm rich!

Woo!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

So you see, Professor Gordon, it's absolutely imperious

that I'd be allowed a short leave of abstinence

to gather my affairs.

You mean to tell me that you, Cindy Storm,

inherited a vast fortune from the late Lady Dracovich?

She's not late, she's dead.

And, yes, I inherited everything.

Are you all right, Professor Gordon?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

It's just this-- this damn chair, it's uneven.

I think the base is uneven.

Now about your leave--

Oh, please.

I'll study extra hard while I'm away.

I could do extra credit.

Ah, well-- well, how would you do that?

The manor house has a bunch of old antiques and stuff.

I guess I could write a report on everything I own.

OK.

That is true.

Lady Dracovich had one of the rarest collections of books

pertaining to the paranormal.

OK, Cindy.

You win.

[GASPS]

But I expect you to report back every few days

and keep me up to date on your progress.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

I really appreciate it.

Bye bye.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] [LAUGHS] I thought she'd never leave.

Now, where were we?

[SIGHS] I think we were discussing how I could

best serve the student body.

Well, I was thinking maybe the best way would be on your back.

And I thought it would be even better on my knees.

Well, considering that you are the head of the student body,

I guess we could make a compromise.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[GASPS AND MOANING]

Can you believe that Lady Dracovich

left her entire estate to that nitwit Cindy?

How is that even possible?

Some people have all the luck.

You know, Lady Dracovich had a book, "Mysteries of the Worm."

Alone it's worth a fortune.

I'd do anything to get my hands on it.

Maybe Cindy will have a garage sale

and then you can buy all her books.

I can't take that chance.

I need to have it now.

Well, how do you plan on getting it?

There's got to be a way.

I've got it.

That old mansion is a hotbed for our spooky stories and rumors.

Paranormal trickery, of course.

But Cindy doesn't know that.

If we could just convince her that the place is overrun

with ghouls and goblins--

Then the book will be all yours.

Precisely.

You know, I think we owe it to Cindy to at least warn

her of the danger she's in.

From you?

No, silly.

From the supernatural.

Right.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

Madam Zola?

Hello?

Anybody there?

MADAM ZOLA: Who summons Madam Zola?

It's me, Cindy.

From this morning?

MADAM ZOLA: Sorry, no refunds.

No, I owe you money.

I give you my IOU.

Of course.

I thought you were broke.

I was.

But now I'm rich.

Really?

Yes.

It happened just like you had said.

Almost as if by magic, my fortune's changed.

Fortune?

[LAUGHS] What?

How?

As soon as I got home, an attorney

came by and said I'd inherited the entire estate

of Lady Dracovich.

Lady Dracovich?

No, no.

Take your money back.

I don't want it.

Why?

I can't accept it.

Only bad can come of this thing.

Don't be silly.

I'm stinking rich.

What could be wrong with that?

You will never live to enjoy it.

That house is evil.

I don't believe you.

There is no such thing as an evil house.

Restless spirits roam the halls of the Dracovich Manor.

Soon your spirit may join them.

As a matter of fact, I'm on my way there now.

Well, if you don't want the money--

Wait, wait.

Here.

Just take my card.

You may need my help later.

Heed my warning.

When the black cat strikes at midnight,

the dead will walk again.

Cat, midnight, dead.

Got it.

[SIGHS] What a day.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Wow.

Double wow.

It's big.

It's expensive.

It's creepy.

It's mine!

I love it!

You do?

Let's look around. - All right.

Which way do you want to start?

This way.

OK.

This place goes on forever.

A girl could get lost here if she wasn't careful.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Look.

Do you think that's her?

Lady Dracovich?

Probably.

Madam Zola said this house was evil.

[SCOFFS] Evil?

Look at that beautiful face.

She's a lot prettier than I thought.

I do her.

What did you say?

SARA: I said I'd do her.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Good to know.

[LAUGHS] Impressive.

Like it?

Hell, yeah.

Check out this bed.

Who wouldn't?

This was her room.

Lady Dracovich?

How do you know?

I can feel it.

My senses are so alive right now.

And what are your senses telling you, exactly?

That I must have you.

Whoa.

Don't act like you've never thought

about me in that way before.

All the times you've seen me walk around the apartment

naked?

Well, there was that one time when you were vacuuming naked.

What a better way to celebrate our new home?

I guess it wouldn't hurt.

[LAUGHS] Not unless you want it to.

[LAUGHS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[KNOCKING]

[CREAKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hello?

Is anybody here?

Hello?

[DOOR CLOSES]

There's no need to shout.

You might wake the dead.

I'm sorry, Cindy.

I wasn't sure anybody was here yet.

I knocked.

Sara and I have been poking about some upstairs.

I see.

Well, if you're ready, I have some papers

that require your signature.

Of course, Mr. Cosgrove.

Please follow me.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

This should officially transfer

everything over to you.

All neat and tidy.

What did you say?

I said, all neat and tidy.

Why?

It's odd.

Well, it was one of the last things she said to me.

Really.

It's a quite common expression.

No need to upset yourself.

Of course.

You're right.

It's very common.

I would say signed, sealed, and delivered,

but I'm not sure your heart could handle it.

Very funny.

But you didn't know her like I did.

CINDY: Drink?

Sure.

Why not?

So what kind of woman was this Lady Dracovich?

She was a sexual predator.

She had a way of trapping people.

If you were a man, she turn you into her servant.

If you were a woman, she turn you into her slave.

She sounds like a free spirit to me, someone who knew

how to get what she wanted.

She got it all right.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

She fell from up here.

She died here.

Here?

Yes.

Who pushed her?

I didn't say anybody pushed her, Cindy.

That's right.

You didn't.

I think we've finished with all of our business

for the time being.

Have we?

Have we, really?

Yes.

Yes, we have.

Goodbye.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Whoa.

What's with all the racket?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Wait!

Are you coming or going?

Going.

We're done, right?

Done what right?

Look, please feel free to call me if there's

anything more I can do, OK?

What the hell was that about?

And why do I feel like I've been licked all over?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Did someone just come in?

No, I don't think so.

It sounded like the door to me.

Did you just take a shower?

Yeah, I mean, I had to cool down from all of that,

you know.

All what?

You know, that.

You're acting awfully weird, Sara.

Are you feeling OK?

Yeah, of course I am.

It's you that I'm kind of worried about.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Did you get it?

Right here.

What took you so long?

Uh, I had a little bit of trouble with the message.

Kathy, it's supposed to say Happy Homecoming.

[SIGHS] Spelling's not my best subject.

Clearly.

Now, we take this cake over to Dracovich

Manor as a housewarming gift.

And as soon as we get a chance, we search the whole place.

Brilliant.

[LAUGHS]

Piece of cake.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] - Oh, no.

It's started already.

Cindy, what is it?

Tell me what's going on?

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE): Stay away from Dracovich Manor.

This will be your only warning.

Who is this?

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE): Can't you guess?

You're supposed to be a psychic.

Don't get funny with me.

And I don't frighten easily.

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE): Good.

Because I'm not into cheap scares.

Who are you calling cheap?

LADY DRACOVICH (ON PHONE): Just stay away, or you'll regret it.

[CLICK]

What kind of person just hangs up the phone?

Lady Dracovich, calling from beyond the grave!

She wants me out of the way.

In the way I must get.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hey, Sara!

Come here, quick.

What now?

It's this weird witch board.

[SCOFFS] So what?

It's just a game, just to have fun.

It's all fun and games until someone pokes their eye out.

I know, let's contact Lady Dracovich.

No way.

Wow.

Did you see that?

Come on, Cindy.

It was the table and its weight.

It just slid on its own.

PROFESSOR GORDON: Don't be so sure.

Professor Gordon!

You scared the life out of me.

Sorry, Cindy.

No one answered the door.

It was open.

That's OK.

Well, what are you guys doing here?

We brought you a housewarming gift.

Happy whore coming?

CINDY:

Oh, uh, yeah.

Stupid cake store.

That's sweet.

But you really shouldn't have.

Nonsense.

Besides I kind of needed to talk to you about something--

this house.

Oh, OK.

In private?

All right.

Follow me this way.

Kathy, will you put that in the kitchen?

Got it, babe.

Thanks.

Well, I'm going to stay here and work on my stock tips.

OK.

I have to admit, Cindy, this is a beautiful house.

I know.

I haven't really had the chance to check it out yet.

But somehow I feel as if I've always lived here.

[SIGHS] Well, it's kind of actually what

I'm here to talk to you about.

This house, it's got a strange history.

People think it's haunted.

They think it made Lady Dracovich go mad.

Mad?

Who can say what madness is?

I just don't want to see anything bad happen to you.

Why is that?

Because you're such a promising student.

What a liar.

You think Cindy is a moron.

Excuse me?

The only thing you really admire about her are these.

[LAUGHS] That is true.

Those are amazing.

They feel better than they look.

Touch me.

[SIGHS] [SIGHS] You've come here looking for something special.

Now you've found it.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[CLATTERING]

What?

Red drum?

[SIGHS] That's it.

I got to change bakeries.

Looking for something?

Oh, uh, me?

Well, you appear to be searching for something.

No, you know, I was just looking for something

to cut the cake with.

Will this do?

Woo!

Might be-- might be a little bit overkill.

Who are you?

I come with the house.

If you tell me what you're looking for maybe

I can help you.

Ah, you know, really I'm just--

just the curious sort.

You know-- you know the type.

I think I do.

[GASPS]

You're looking for the book.

Book?

This one?

Oh.

Yeah.

You know, actually I am.

Funny story, but I forgot to return it to the library,

and boy are they pissed.

I'll bet.

But I can't let you have it.

Unless, of course, I was distracted in some way.

Distracted.

Hm.

Well, you know, in high school, I did win

the John Deere distractor pull.

Oh, and how would you go about distracting me?

Well, first I'd kiss you.

Where is everybody?

Come on, guys.

Where is everybody?

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Holy shit, it actually worked.

This was easier than I thought.

Now you're all mine.

[EERIE NOISE]

[GASPS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Kathy?

What's going on?

What-- where is everybody?

I don't consider that an answer.

CINDY: There you are.

[EERIE NOISE]

[LAUGHS] No, you don't.

Not yet.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

So Dracovich, you really did manage

to return from the grave, at least for a little while.

But you needed this and a life force to possess.

Yeah.

But even that wouldn't keep you hanging around for long.

I know that much.

Yes.

Yes.

I did push you down the stairs.

Somebody had to.

Somebody had to stop your plan from bringing

the evil into this world.

And I would have succeeded to if it

wasn't for that silly kid and her stupid Myspacebook

addiction.

Why do they have to click Like every time somebody passes gas?

Yeah.

But I know how to destroy you once and for all.

You're nothing without a sacrifice, a male sacrifice.

And all you've got right here is a handful of girls.

[MOANING AND GASPS]

Goddamn it.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

What's happening?

I think they're trying to fuck him to death.

What a terrible way to go.

I know how to destroy Lady Dracovich and foil her plan.

I've got all the power right here.

SARA: If you say so.

I do say so.

But I'm going to need your help.

The hell with that.

I'm joining in on this.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

Please don't let me screw this up.

OK.

Here goes nothing.

[EERIE NOISE]

[ZAPPING SOUND]

[SIGHS] Now that's a finale.

Professor Gordon!

Easy, Cindy.

Kathy, I-- I can explain.

You were possessed.

You guys tied me up.

I was forced into this.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, I mean, it wasn't all bad.

I'm the only one the knew what Dracovich was planning.

The only one that could stop her.

And you already did a pretty good job with that.

So why the rush?

I think I set the house on fire.

[FIRE ALARMS SOUNDING]

Fire!

Run!

[FLAMES CRACKLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Can really foretell the future, Madam Zola?

That would be so cool.

I thought I was Mr. Malkovich, my history teacher.

Dracovich, Malkovich.

I didn't know vich was vich.

There's no need to shout.

You might wake the dead.

[SULTRY MUSIC]

[LAUGHS]

You'll know when it's your time to die.

No, you know, I was just looking for something

to cut the cake with.

Hm.

Will this do?

I've only got one shot at this.

Please don't let me screw this up.

Well, sadly, death finds everyone, sooner or later.

Too bad for you, it was sooner.

Are you feeling OK?

Yeah, of course I am.

It's you that I'm kind of worried about.

Am I some kind of mega loser.

This shit board.

Oh, please.

That gag only works on "Three's Company."

Well, I was thinking maybe the best way would be on your back.

Kathy, it's supposed to say Happy Homecoming.

I think the base is uneven.

Now, about your leave--

[LAUGHS] I thought she'd never leave.

We brought you a housewarming gift.

You know, really, I'm just--

just the curious sort.

Uh, you know.

We were discussing how I could best serve the student body.

Past, present, future.

All is known to those who possess

the powers of the psychic word.

CINDY: I've got the money.

Oh, wait, wait.

Take my card.

Who are you calling cheap?

Your fortunes are about to change very soon.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]