All language subtitles for Weekend Warriors • Hollywood Air Force [1986]_EN

I am tomorrow requesting that
Congress, for the current

fiscal year, an additional
3.247.000.000 dollars

of appropriations
for the Armed Forces.

Roger military transport.
Tango. Charlie.

Coast Guard
chopper six reporting...

WO It's this viewer's
opinion, Huston's latest film
The Misfits,

starring Marilyn Monroe...

The recent
Kennedy-Khrushchev
summit conference

did little to dispel
the feeling...

WOSo I think
the Peace Corps
is a great idea...

This official album
commemorating
American Bandstand's...

This week here
in Anchorage, Alaska...

Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four.

Five, and six,
and seven and eight.

Run. Run. Five, six...

One, two...
Four, five, and six,
and seven, and eight.

Hey, Jeff, time
for you to go.

Listen, I'm sorry,
I gotta go, girls,
I'm late.

Bye.
The National Guard weekend.

Take five.

Hey, LA.
Great day for the beach,

and a good Saturday
morning to you.

Let's go, guys,
come on, we're late.

Okay, hang on.

Come on, Bonzo.

Yeah, you can shave
on the way to the base.

That's it. Let's go.

I'll never forget
the summer of 1961.

I was a struggling
screenwriter, working
for a magazine,

while I peddled my
script at the studios.

There was a lot of
tension in the world then.

Just like there is now.
And there was
a military draft.

In order to avoid it,
a lot of us who
worked in Hollywood

joined the Air National Guard.
We thought we had it made.

One weekend a month
we'd tear ourselves away

from the glitter,
glamour and girls,

and spend two days
playing soldier.

What a collection
of bozos we had.

Choreographers, actors,
stuntmen, directors,

all sorts of
Hollywood types.

Hey! You punks
got to sign out.

Sign this.

This is Mort Seblinsky.
He was a studio
make-up man,

but between jobs he
paid his way by putting
pancake and powder

on some of the most
famous faces in Hollywood,

after they checked out.

Seblinsky was known as
movieland's mortician
to the stars.

Hey, McCracken.

Big Phil McCracken.

He was an unemployed
actor who took up
boxing to get in shape.

And he was so good that he
was about to fight for the
California State Championship.

McCracken had
a great big heart,
great big muscles,

and a tiny little brain.

Now here's a real pillar
of the community,

Cory Seacomb,
a Hollywood gossip columnist.

Have a nice weekend.
Bye, kids.

Now don't you forget
to put my name
in your column Monday.

Seacomb had a way
with women, and men,

and chickens,
vacuum cleaners.

Bring me back
a soldier!

VINCE:
Peanut butter.

Like I said,
we were all good,
solid citizens.

A hot young singing group,
The Pledges,

even chartered a plane
to get to the base,
from Vegas.

Like the rest of us,
they were hard working,
industrious guys.

Make me happy here,
brother man.
Make me happy here.

All right.

PILOT: Hey, guys, we're
approaching Van Nuys Airport.

I don't think I can
set it down
in this stuff.

Betman, you've
got to be kidding.

Hey, hey, hey.
We've got a hit record
about to happen.

And if we don't make
roll call, we're AWOL.

If you're AWOL in
the National Guard they
can keep you in forever.

AWOL, schmawol.

I'm not setting
this plane down
in that stuff.

What's his problem?
I don't know.

No problem.
I'll handle it.

Are we there?

Here is that
great humanitarian,
Sergeant Elroy T. Burdge.

One thing you can
say about Burdge,

he may have been mean,
but at least he was ugly.

That's me, Vince Tucker.

On drill weekends,
I'd pounce out of the sack,

bright-eyed and
ready to fly.

Geez, I hate mornings.
They always come
so early in the day.

Oh, shit!

� Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss
I'm gonna raise a holler

� About working all summer
Just to try to earn a dollar

This is 33 Baker to
central desk, come in.
Over.

� Every time
I call my baby... �

Buck, are you there?

BUCK: There you are, Tucker,
you ass bandit.

Where was
Newstime Magazine's latest
boy wonder last night, huh?

It's a long story.

Listen, you holding
anything for me
on this Berlin thing?

No. Just that
press conference at
the Beverly Hills Hotel.

The speaker's boring
but the food's free.

I'll get there somehow,

but for the rest of
the weekend,

my body belongs to the
Air National Guard, okay?

Tucker, how long you think
you can juggle this job with
being a fly-boy once a month?

Just getting my career started
and give the draft board
its pound of flesh.

Yeah, but if a big story
breaks while you're off
being a weekend warrior,

our esteemed editor is
going to promote Simpson
right over your head.

Yeah, well,
never mind Simpson.

If I don't get there in time.
Sergeant Burdge is gonna
have my testes on toast.

Over. Out.

All right, hold up there.
Keep your shirt on, buddy.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Move that pile of crap!

I've got an important
roll call to make.

What the hell do
you guys think you're
doing? Move it.

All right. Go ahead.
Come on. Come on.

Assholes!

We lose this war,
it's your fault,
you commie pigs.

All right. Thank you.

You're great people.
We love you all.
Thank you.

Aaron Decola.

Captain Cabot?

On drill weekends,
regulations strictly forbid

any non-military personnel
from being...

Uh, they're part of
Bob Hope's
Christmas junket, sir.

Hi!
CABOT: Christmas? In August?

Uh, last Christmas, sir.
Their luggage was delayed.

Come on, Burdge,
he's still got three minutes.

Not according to
my watch, he don't.

He's only got two.

Now I got you,
wiseguy.

Morning, Sergeant Burdge.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey!

SOLDIER: Atten-hut!

CABOT: Anders?

That's Anderson, sir.

Here, sir.

Seacomb?

Here, sir.

You turkey.

Give him a break.
CABOT: Kerandon?

That's Kramer, sir.
K-R-A-M-E-R, sir.

Randall, M, sir.
Here, sir.

Cooner.
That's Tucker, sir.

Here, sir.

Ten-hut!

Gentlemen,

the commies are rattling
their scabbards in Berlin.

Our horse pates
are about to hit
the rotary cooling device.

So, starting today,

we are going to
get our act together.

Because we are what?

The first defenders
of liberty on
the home front, sir.

And if we don't
get our act together,

what is going to happen?

The slimy commie whores

will parachute in and
overrun our country

and that would be the end
of western civilization
as we know it, sir.

We are ready to
resume roll call, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Burlinsky?

That's Seblinsky, sir.

McCracken?

Here, sir.

Did I pronounce
that right, McCracken?

Absowootly cowect.
MacCwaken.

Smythe?

That's Smythe, sir.

Left, left.
Left, right, left.

� I know a girl...

Yeah, okay.
Hey, thanks a lot.
Right.

Gosh, Wally, why so glum?
Beaver screw up again?

No, something's up
back in Washington.

I just got a tip. Our
congressman may be paying
us a little surprise visit.

Ah, yes.

Our favorite
public servant scuzzball,
and all around slime bucket.

The honorable
Arnold Balljoy.

Why is he coming here?

Huh? I don't know,
but I better go
tell Colonel Archer.

He's gonna need time to get
his performance together.

Yeah, good idea.

Look out! Let me see.
What did you get?

Motor pool.

Oh, great. I'm assigned
to take blood samples
from the new recruits.

I'll never make it.

Come on, Seblinsky,
how can a mortician
be afraid of blood?

It's not
the blood. It's that the
victim is still bleeding!

Well, I'm not used to
working with live bodies.

Gives me the creeps.

You always wanted to work
with Nurse Nancy.
That's certainly a live body.

Remember, my boy.

"The bearded clam is
but a tender trap for the
one-eyed trouser snake."

That's disgusting.

Jesus. If Jenny goes into
labor, Captain Cabot says

I have to fill out all these
forms to get off the base.

Face it. Cabot is
a world class putz.

"Putz"? What's with
"putz" Decola?
You're not even Jewish.

I don't have to be.
I'm in showbiz.

� Putz, putz, putz

� Putz, putz, putz

� Putz, putz, putz

� Wanna keep
From going nuts

� Then you gotta
Pound your putz.

� If you don't
You lose your mind

� But if you do
You will go blind �

They are basically
trainable, sir.

They've just got to get
in step with the military
way of doing things.

Trainable!
You couldn't even
potty train these flakes.

No, let's face it, Sergeant,

the 73rd is full of
every half-baked
Hollywood weirdo

that ever set foot
on a sound stage.

I'll handle this, sir.

What is it?
Stopping on two.

So, who has two?
Who's the big winner here?

BURDGE: Duckworth?
Yes, sir.

What is our
military mission?

Booze, broads
and bullshit.

The loading and
transport of military
personnel and equipment.

I want to see that

in there

on the double.

Hey, what're you
doing? I can't see.

Look out!
Look out!
I can't see.

Watch out!

ARCHER: One...

Two...
Our base commander,
Colonel Archer, was an actor.

In his heyday, he starred
in 86 B-westerns
and died in all of them.

But his horse lived,
which was good, because
it had all the talent.

Who is it? Six...

Airman Tucker, sir.

Seven. It's open. Eight.

Ninety-nine,
one hundred.

Ah, hi, Tucker!

The hell with that crap.

What can I do
for you, Tucker?

Well, sir, a colleague
of mine in Washington
has informed me

that Congressman Balljoy
may be paying us a little
surprise visit this weekend.

Congressman Balljoy!
Yes, sir.

Well, hell, let him come.

We got a great bunch
of guys out here,

they'll come up
smelling like roses.

Well, sir, the men
aren't exactly combat ready.

It might make sense to
plan some sort of diversionary
tactic, just in case.

Aha!

You mean in other words,
arrange a little square dance

so that the Congressman
doesn't notice the fiddles
are out of tune, eh?

It's some kind
of sashay, some sort
of Bach social,

so he eats his fill...

But doesn't stay
for dessert.

Sir, may I cut
to the bottom line?

If Balljoy pulls a full,
in-depth inspection,
our ass is grass.

We sure as hell don't
want to end up on active duty
for the next couple of years.

No, sir.

So...

We better bedazzle Balljoy
with a bit of brilliance.

Or baffle him with
a bit of bullshit.

Ah, here's
the sex-goddess
of the 73rd.

Betty Beep and her
Tomaine Traveller.

Betty's arrival was
always the high point
of our day.

Shows you what a lonely
bunch of guys we were.

And I'm going to trade
you for a Mercedes.

Hey, come on you brave,
beautiful fly-boys.

Come and get it.

Hey, Betty. Turnover.

Oh, Tucker.
I just love it when
you talk dirty to me.

Look, I got something.
Hold on.
What do you got for me?

Here. Practice!

Twinky.

So, Tucker, you still
driving that plastic car?

Hey, yeah, you know
something Seacomb?

It reminds me of
your sex life,
four on the floor.

Douchebag.

Betty, coffee,
hold the cream.

Okay, how long
would you like me
to hold it?

I'll have some coffee,
too, please, Betty.

Here, sweetie.

So, Vince, what
kind of odds they
giving in Washington?

Looks pretty
good for us.

Word is Kennedy's
more likely to try
a blockade somewhere.

Maybe move another
army division into Berlin.

Can't afford
another Bay of Pigs.
No, he can't.

And we can't afford a two-year
bite out of our lives.
Amen.

Guys, forget about war
and peace. There are
more important things.

Here comes the
lovely Nurse Nancy.

Hello, madam,
may I show you to a table?

Thanks, but I'm
meeting someone.

There he is.

Mmm, without cream.
How thoughtful.

Oh, now Airman Seblinsky,

wasn't I going to show you
all about drawing blood?

Shot down in flames.

Oh, don't worry
about it, big guy.

You never had a chance.
She came at you
out of the sun.

(GRUNTS)
Thanks a lot, Seblinsky.

I really love you guys,
but sometimes,
the whole wolf pack

is just a little
too much to handle.

Yeah... Too much to handle.

Listen, Nancy...

About the blood tests...

I...

I'm scared.
I can't do that.

Of course, you can.

No, no, I can't. It makes
me nauseous in my stomach
just to think about it.

A man who admits
he's scared
can do anything.

You know something?
Huh?

I think you're terrific.

You... You do?

I do.

Thank you.

SEBLINSKY: So, she
looked into my eyes...

And she said I was
a pretty great guy.
AMES: You're out of your mind!

She did!
Nobody would ever say that.

Hey, guys. How do you
describe this mystery meat
Betty sells?

That's pleasant.

I love it.
I love it!

McCracken, you're
hurting the war effort,
you're wasting gas, pal.

Man, that ain't cool.

I weally think you guys
are over-weacting.
It's not that bad.

Gas warfare is illegal.

Actually, it's not
that kind of gas.

No, it's more like
a high-octane diesel fuel.

Hey, McCracken,
maybe you should
transfer to motor pool.

Hey, gas like that
isn't really gas, is it?

Sure.
No.

Wait. Wait.
No, it's not.

It's combustible,
just like gas.

Decola, that's ridiculous.

You wanna bet?

Please, don't insult
our intelligence.

All right, Seblinsky,
come on.

Put up or
shut up, pal.

What are we
betting on?

Whether or not
farts are flammable.

You're nuts.
I'm in for $10.

I can't believe this.

All right, I'm in
for $2.43.

Great. Now,

McCracken's gonna need
some ammunition.

That's it.
I've had enough.

Get weady.
Here we go.

Kids, don't try this at home.
We're trained professionals.

McCRACKEN: The lights.
Turn out the lights.

Yeah, Congressman Balljoy,
I can assure you

that despite what
you've seen so far,

the 73rd can hold up
their end of things.

Right this way, sir.

McCRACKEN: Here we go!

Hello, sir.

Oh, it sounds
just wonderful.
I can hardly wait.

Tell me. What're you
going to wear for me
this time, huh?

What outfit?

Nothing? Well,
that's my favorite outfit.

Ice cubes? (LAUGHING)

Oh, we'll talk about
this later, Captain.

Well, Congressman Balljoy...

Colonel Archer,

what I've seen so far,
certainly leaves no doubt

as to what sort of
leadership you provide.

Congressman, you've got
something to say, say it.

Can't stand pussy-footing.

Okay, Archer.

You are in command
of a battalion

of undisciplined misfits,
dead beats, jerk-offs,
and screw-ups.

If Berlin blows,
they couldn't serve
as sand bags.

And I am going to
see to it that you
and the 73rd

are called up and
shipped out of my district

far, far away.

Admit it, sir.
You're upset
about something.

MAN ON PA: It's Saturday
night, and here's a
dedication to Cammy

from Tito the Bandito.

� Louie, Louie

� Oh, no
Me gotta go... �

As usual,
on a Saturday night,

we tried to forget
about the military
and Congressman Balljoy.

And took off to have fun.

At least that
was the plan.

Hi, champ.

I'm not champ yet,
but I'm working on it.
How're you doing, Debby?

Honest to God, Phil,
you are so strong.

So, what'll be?

Everything on
your menu. To go.

You're just, like,
honest to God...

Man, it won't start.

I'm getting out
of here, man.

Come on, let's go.
WOCome on, let's get him.

Honest to God, Phil,
you're so strong.

TIMMY: Lassie?

Lassie?

TV ANNOUNCER:
Starring June Lockhart,
Hugh Reiley,

Jon Provost as Timmy,

and, of course, Lassie.

Would you like
a little drinky-winky
with your bubbly-wubbly?

Thank you.

� Come on, let's twist again

� Like we did last summer
Come on and twist again �

I should've been a doctor.
I swear to God!

Gosh! You know,
I tell you,

what with the traffic
and everything,

I think we're much
better off staying here.

I'll be out in a minute,
and then we're off.

VINCE:
What a girl, what a night.
Then it all turned to caca.

Here is the news
for August 1st, 1961.

Pentagon officials
made a surprise
announcement today

sure to send
shockwaves through
the Hollywood community.

The 73rd Air Transport Wing
stationed at Van Nuys has
been called to active duty,

effective midnight tonight.

Asked to comment on
this unprecedented action,

Congressman Ernest W.
Balljoy said, and I quote,

"This call up by the Air Force
will show the world
that our National Guard

"is ready to serve.

"No sacrifice is too
great to show

"those Russians in Berlin
that we mean business."

The 73rd?

Yeah, that's us.

Active duty.

Did he say how long?

My guess is nobody knows.
It could be a year.
Maybe more.

Vince, I'm so sorry.

Your promotion.

What promotion?

Men,

as members of
the Air National Guard,

we have been
called to active duty.

You are now in
the regular Air Force.

Full time.

So, starting today,

the 73rd is going to
show those Kremlin
Cossack suckers

the real meaning of
the words "active duty".

Fall out!

But Zsa-Zsa,
you must know somebody
at the Pentagon.

This is my life
we're talking about.

Let's go, Seacomb.

Shut up, you bitches.

Colonel Archer here.

Colonel Archer.

Hello? Hello?

Listen, you anus-eyed idiot,

you Bandini brains have
bitten the big one this time.

Start packing, Archer.
Start packing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What is it? What's wrong?
What does it say?

"To the men of the 73rd
National Guard Squadron.

"By Presidential order,
8 August, 1961,
has been designated

"National Guard
Combat Readiness Day."

"On that day, certain members
of the Defense Department,

"Congress and
select foreign dignitaries

"will conduct an on-site
inspection of this base.

"Results of said inspection

"will figure heavily in
formulating future plans
for the fighting 73rd.

"All personnel are restricted
to base until further notice."

Why us? I don't
believe any of this.

Believe it, sweetheart.

Look, I don't know about
you guys, but I'm not taking
this lying down.

Gee, I didn't think there
was anything you
wouldn't take lying down.

Okay, boy scouts.

Enjoy your
little camp out.

Toodles.

Why the 73rd?

Why couldn't they inspect
some unit that knows
what they're doing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's it.
It's Balljoy.

It's Balljoy. We screw up
the inspection for the brass,

and he can get us
shipped out of his district.

Don't you remember,
he told Archer he'd
send us "Far, far away."

Maybe if I apologize
for my flatulence...

We've got to get organized.
We need a game plan.

Yeah, right.
Let's get everybody
who can be trusted

into hangar 3
at 08:30, all right?

We probably shouldn't
let anybody know
what we're doing, eh?

Good thinking, Seblinsky.
A clandestine get together.

Or better yet,
a secwet one.

ARCHER: Seacomb?

Stop it, stop that nonsense.
Men, take him away.
Take him away.

Get the APs.
Get him to the infirmary.

Son of a bitch.

Hey, come on,
come on, come on.

Come on, guys, come on.
Now, look, what we got here

is an unofficial meeting of...

It's an unofficial meeting
of... I don't know...

Whatever the hell
we've got here.

Hey, man, we need a name.

The Scweaming Eagles!

Hey, I got it.
The Flaming Hellcats.

The Mouse Farts, man.

"Mouse Farts" says it all.

Yeah, Okay.
All right. Mouse Farts it is.

Look, Congressman Balljoy
won't return any
of my phone calls.

So I'm gonna cut myself
a set of phony orders

and hop the next
transport back to D.C.

You know why?

Because we've got a
damn good thing going here

and I'm not gonna
let that cretin foul it up.

Yeah.

Hey, Vinnie, can we
articuwate the pwospect

of his being
torn wimb from wimb?

That's right!

Tell him that the Mouse Farts
are not above wesorting
to violence.

Yeah.

We're going to get angwy!

Okay. Look, guys.
06:30 here, Tuesday.
Mouse Farts.

Give me a "mouse".
Mouse.

Give me a "farts".

I always knew you were
a son of a bitch, Seacomb,

but I didn't think you'd try
so hard to prove it.

Gee-wiz, Nurse Nancy,
I didn't know you cared.

Now, if you'll just put
your little autograph there,

I'll leave all you children
and rejoin the human race.

You know something,
Seacomb? You'll never
pass the entrance exam.

Yeah.

Thanks so much.
And, these

are for you.

Lieutenant.

I've got a joke.
I've got a joke.

Why does the crack
in your fanny

go up and down
instead of sideways?

I don't know, Mort. Why?

So when you slide down
the banister, it doesn't go...

No wait, this woman
has twin sons

and they've got mouths
like sailors.

They're always swearing.
They're always swearing.

She can't take it anymore.
One night, she says
to her husband,

"If these kids swear
one more time, I'm
gonna punch them out."

He says, "Go ahead
and do what you have to do.
They're your kids."

Next morning, the twins
come down for breakfast.

She says to the first twin,
"What do you want
for breakfast?"

Kid says, "Uh, I'll have
some fucking pancakes."

Boom! She hits him.
He goes down.
His jaw is all messed up.

He's bloody and stuff.

She looks at the
second son and she says,

"Now, you. What do
you want for breakfast?"

So, he looks at his brother
all bloody on the ground.
Looks back at his mom.

Looks at his brother again
and he says,

"Well, I sure as hell don't
want any fucking pancakes."

See you later, guys.

I know what
my pwoblem is.

I keep expecting
it to be fair.

You'll learn.

Ciao, buttwipes.

Let's at least hope
old Vince doesn't
strike out in Washington.

Hey, Dawson, telephone.

Hey, Dawson,
telephone for you.

We think we've got problems.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

It's the hospital.
His wife's gone into labor.

I got him. I got him.
I got him. I got him.

I got him. I got him.

Okay, you take him.

Don't you worry,
I'll get you there
before the baby comes.

Hold it! You didn't
fill out the paper work.

You asshole.

Hey, you sucker, wake up.

Deserter.

This is my first AWOL, Carter.

You blow this and you'll be
looking down a latrine for the
rest of your military life.

Yes, sir.

All right, we're
gaining on them.

We're gaining on them.
We're gaining on them.

We are gaining on them.

We're gaining.

BURDGE: Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

We're going through
a fucking car wash!

Wax!

Who the hell ordered wax?

Pway dead. Pway dead.

Okay. Hold it right there.

Okay, buddy. Let's see
the old operator's license.

Don't be widicuwous!

This man has hyperventiwated
on the fweeway

and his wife is in wabor.

What did you
let him go for?

He "hyperventiwated
on the fweeway and
his wife is in wabor."

Yes?

Airman Tucker, sir,
from the 73rd.

Aha. The Hollywood
Air Force Base.

Where the laughs
just keep on coming.

If you're here for executive
clemency, I'm afraid you're
going to be disappointed.

No, sir.

I just wanted to tell you
that little scene you walked
in on in the rec room.

We're all very sorry.

I'm deeply touched.

Sir. The inspection.

Why us?
Why not?

You know damn well why not.
Can't you go off and
inspect somebody else?

Well, I suppose I could.

But I'd miss all the fun.

Look, let's cut the bulljoy,
Ballshit, and...

Besides, you mush-heads
have a lousy inspection,

as I'm sure you will,

and I won't have
any trouble in getting
you all shipped off to

the garden spot
of the Pacific.
Rotman Island.

Where?

Exactly.

Oh, come on now.
There is a lot of lives
getting screwed up out there.

And you've obviously
confused me with someone
who gives a shit.

Don't slam the door
on your way out.

Decola? Decola?

Hey, boys.

Hey, Tucker,
how you doing?

Vince. How's the Big Apple?

That's New York, Seblinsky.

Right. I knew that.
What'd you find out?

Good news, bad news.
Found out we're in deep shit.

This is news?
Balljoy is out after our ass.

We screw up the inspection.
He's gonna ship us off
to Rotman Island.

Where?

Exactly.

I found out Rotman Island
is where they store
nuclear warheads.

The 73rd screws up there,
they'll send us home
in an envelope.

I missed the good news.

Good news is,
if we pull off
a great inspection,

well, maybe we can
dodge the bullet.

Hey, no problem,
attention all you
screw-ups of the 73rd.

You will perform
brilliantly in the inspection.

Decola is right, Vince.
There's no way we can
get ready in time.

Maybe not, but Balljoy
called us the Hollywood
Air Force Base.

And that gave me an idea.

If we can't get ready.

Well, maybe we
can look ready.

Come here.

I've got a plan.
We're going to use
some movie magic.

But we've got to get rid
of the brass.
Archer, Cabot and Burdge.

You guys with me?

Yeah.
Bingo.

Absowutewy.

All right.
First, we neutralize...

Burdge.

Ready?

Break!

Anyway, Sarge,
we figured it's simple.

We're all in this together
and in any case you can count
on us for this inspection.

It ain't that simple.

There's a little
question of AWOL.

Resisting arrest.

The cleaning
bill on my uniform.

Sarge, minor details.
Right now, come on,

let's hoist one to
the fighting 73rd, eh?

To our leader.
To the inspection.

Bottoms up!

That's it. He's out.

That's it?

But in the movies, the guy
grabs his throat,

he staggers, the room spins,
he knocks over a table,
he falls down. That's it?

Trust me. He's out.
He can't hear a thing.

He can't hear me?

Hey, Sergeant Burdge,
I'm not saying
your kids are ugly,

but there is no
pick of the litter.

Sarge, do you know
anything about real estate?

Is this a lot?

Come on, Decola.
We gotta get out of here.

Hey, come on, you guys.
This is a once in a lifetime
opportunity. Watch.

What are you doing?

Decola, for Christ sakes,
what are you doing?

Ta-da! The world's
ugliest hot fudge sundae!

Okay, guys,
the pwane is weady.

Holy Towedo!

Come on, let's get
him out of here.

Check please?

Heave ho.

DUCKWORTH: I think
he's coming to.

Call that a
mixed blessing.

Hi, Sarge.

No, no, no, no.
Take it easy, Sarge.
You passed out.

Oh, Jesus this head.

You overdid it, Sarge.

I see so many people
in my line of work who
just didn't heed the warnings.

Slow down.

Slow down.

We don't want to
have you out of commission
during the inspection.

So we decided
to save your life.

With a little R and R.
In Sin City.

Sin City?
Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

You turn this
damn plane around.

I've got to get back
to the base.

Have you all court-marshaled.
You're all AWOL.

You too, Sarge.

We thought a night of
merriment in Vegas might...

Merriment?
You can see our show!

I've got a wife.
You'll have a good
time though, sir.

You can meet
some showgirls.

Showgirls?

Yeah.

Vegas!

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a big Las Vegas
welcome for The Pledges!

Sarge.

This one's for you.

� Oh, Elroy

� I love you so
� You are my boy

� Don't you know

� Oh, Elroy

You were terrific,
Sarge.

Boys, I've got to
admit you did your
old Sarge proud.

Come in.

Hello, boys.

Hello, there!

Darlings,
you were sensational!

AMES: Danny, I'm so glad
you could make it.

Danny?

You don't look like
any Danny I ever saw.

Sarge, this is
Danielle Dubois.

She is the lead showgirl
in the "Creme de femme"
review.

Showgirl?

That means you're
a girl and that you show.

You were right.
He is a rascal.

Look, you two go
and have fun. We have
another show to do.

Sarge, just sign
our name to the tab.

Miss, mademoiselle,
let's parlez-vous up a storm.

Ooh, an absolute rascal.

Have a good time.

Remember you pork chops,

I'm going to be on
your first album cover.

Now...

No, no!

You wouldn't want
poor Danielle

to wrinkle her clothes,
would you?

No, no!

Why you don't just

change into your
cute little birthday suit

while I get comfortable.

Comfortable?

Comfortable!

Don't start
without Danielle.

You better hurry.

Now,

I'm going to count to three,
then turn out the lights.

One, two...

Last one in bed,
is a crepe suzette!

Three.

Danny, be gentle with me.

Oh, come here
my French cookie.

What...
Smile, Sarge.

What the hell
was that?
Hi, Elroy!

Betty Beep!

Baby, let's do it.

Seblinsky, I'll kill you!

Oh, my god!
Look at the gut
on this guy.

What a putz.

And Burdge is going to
handle Captain Cabot?

Yeah, he's seen the pictures.

Man, he's volunteering
for all kinds of stuff.

He's afraid his wife
is going to kill him.

Okay, next.

Colonel Archer here.

Holy shit.

Yes, Mr. President.
Colonel Archer here, sir.

KENNEDY: Colonel Archer,
I need your help.

The safety of
the free world

may well depend on
your cooperation.

Yes. Yes, sir,
you can count on me, sir.

Archer, it's uh...

Time to eat the pudding.

Eat the pud... Uh...

Yes, sir, yes,
understood sir.

Just how do you,
uh, suggest that
I do that, Mr. President?

Relax.

Play some golf.

Let my men
to do their thing.

We'll need you,
uh, down the line.

Yes, sir. Yeah,
I'll be ready, sir.

Oh, one more thing...

Ah, tell The Pledges,

Jackie played
their new record for me.

Sir?

Tell them,
I'd give it an A.

It, it has a good beat

and you can dance to it.

He bought it.

CABOT: Hey. You stop.

What's going on here?

Hey, you.
You close that gate.

You over there,
close that gate!

Come on. Close the...
What are you doing?

Hey. You stop.

Stop! Hey, you.

You... Okay.
I got your name, Airman.

Poor Captain Cabot.

It was beginning to
dawn on him that
something was going on.

He just wasn't sure what.

It was time to put him
out of his misery.

May I help you sir?

Dawson. What on God's
good earth is going on
around here?

Ah, well, really, sir,
there's no need
for concern.

And where is the
Commanding Officer?

He got a call
on the red phone, sir,

and left for the links.
The links?

Yes, sir.

Oh, my God.

The red phone?

Yes, sir.
The red phone, sir.

Why didn't
you say so, Airman?

Move it, move it.

Yeah.

The grunion are running.

He's on his way.
I've got the stuff.

Good. Get in the closet.

This is ridiculous.

I am in perfect
physical condition.

It's this base that's sick.

Captain Cabot,
we'll have you out
in no time.

I've got to make
Colonel Archer understand...
Strip.

What?

Strip. The orders say,
"complete physical."

This is
outrageous.

Our troops are
being brainwashed

and you want me
to pose nude

for "playmate
of the month!"

Not that
I couldn't,
mind you.

It's not that bad,
Captain. Come on.

All right.

There aren't any
sick people here,
are there?

No.

Well. Now, that's
much better, Captain.

Can we just get on
with this, please.
Certainly.

Height, 5'4".

But that's impossible.

Captain Cabot,
the numbers
don't lie.

Since your last physical,
you've shrunk 4 inches?

What?

Let's see what
we have...
Ah, ha!

You took a training
flight in Africa
a while back.

That's right.

Oh, my God.
What?

"Zoowahloo Diminutivola"!

Cut the double talk,
Nurse Nancy.

African Shrinking Sickness.

African...

What's going
on here?

I mean, things
are getting crazy.

Trucks are coming
and going. Wigs,
Styrofoam.

The red phone rings.
Colonel Archer's out
playing golf.

I'm shrinking.

You're telling me
I'm shrinking?

Paranoia is
a classic symptom.

Classic symptom.

You know,
don't get agitated.

We better start the
antidote immediately.

It'll only accelerate
the process
if we don't.

What was that?

What was in there?
Fluoride?

You're with the KGB,
aren't you? Huh?

Captain, please
try to relax.

Go and get dressed
and then we'll
talk about it.

No, no,
you don't.

Shrinking paranoia!

I'm not falling
for any of it.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Please, Captain,
sit down.

Oh. Thank you.

What was it
that you gave me?

I...

Norton here.
The goony bird
is grounded.

All right, ladies,
that's the whole ball
game right there.

Everybody understand?
Yeah.

All right,
that's the way then,
let's speed it up.

There we go.

All right now,
time is money

I think it's
going well.
Don't you, Duckie?

All right, ladies,
let's keep
one thing in mind.

All right,
remember, there are
no small parts,

only large parts.

Okay, moving on.

Yeah, Dave. Yeah,
I know the inspection
is tomorrow night.

Whatever.
Do whatever
you have to do.

I've got a special
for you and Jerry.

I'll be there
in five minutes.

We'd taken care
of the three stooges.

Burdge, Archer and Cabot.

Just when I thought
we could concentrate
on the inspection,

up pops the wicked
witch of the west.

Tucker.

Airman Third Class Tucker.

Not too military
with that hello now,
are we?

Christ! Seacomb!
You're all I need.

Whatever it is,
put it in a letter.

Don't blow smoke
up my ass, Tucker.

Listen, sweetheart,

there's enough stuff
leaving the studios
every night

to make three
Gone With the Winds.

There's no press
allowed through
the gate.

You guys gotta be
breaking more federal
laws than Al Capone.

What is going on
out there?

I'll tell you what,
Seacomb.

One of these days,
let's have lunch.

Now, look.
Hot Dog,

either you explain,

or my next call
goes to Balljoy.

Don't push your luck,
numbnuts.

I'll give you
the exclusive
and that's it.

Okay. Come over
to my place.

Blow it out your ass.

Ooh!

All right, 8:30?

Where?

Polo Lounge.

Okay. Bring your
pencil, leave your
personality at home.

� Pretty little angel eyes
Pretty little angel eyes

� Pretty little angel
Pretty little angel

� Pretty little, pretty little
Pretty little angel �

We were
running out of time.

A smart ass like
Seacomb could really
screw things up.

We had to keep
him busy till after
the inspection.

So, I called a couple
of our stunt guys,
and said,

"Fellows he's all yours."

Jesus Christ!

Move over pal,
I'm driving.

I'm too blond
to die.

Look, Mr. Police,
don't let them
kill me, please.

I want my mommy.

That's enough,
god damn it!

They were right.
Don Linguini, really
wants you dead!

Who?
Linguini, you know,
the big mobster.

You're the guy who
writes that Hollywood
gossip column, right?

God. Not now.
An autograph?

Hell, no.

Word on the street
is Linguini got
real pissed

at the review you
wrote of his girlfriend's
nightclub act.

No, not,
Sandy La Bhuddo?

Right. He put out
a contract on you.

Congressman Balljoy.

Yes.

Yes, General,
I know all about
the inspection.

You know,
I have tried to
work with the 73rd,

but, frankly,
I think it's time
it was exposed

for the disaster
it is.

Yes, well...

The Romanian
Ambassador?

Well, General, I...

I feel that an inspection
to shake up the troops

could prove
productive, sir.

But the Romanian
Ambassador?

If he sees the 73rd,
he'll get word back
to the Russians

and then our
military credibility
is in the crapper.

You can write off Berlin.

You've got to head him off.

It's out of your hands?

Goes all the way up to...

That high?

The Romanian Ambassador?

The Romanian Ambassador?

The Romanian Ambassador?

Guys, guys, guys.
We don't have
time for this.

Now, Balljoy just phoned,

evidently the Kremlin's
convinced that all of us
activator reservists

are a bunch of
total screw-ups.

Well, you gotta admire
their intelligence system.

Okay. I'm sorry.

This is a new complication,
I admit.

But maybe we can
dazzle that old fart, eh?

From now on,
everybody's on 24-hour duty.

We bust our buns
and we're gonna
hope for the best.

If he says,
"Win one for the
Gipper," I may vomit.

Anybody got any problems?

Hey, Vince, the guys
on the drill team are
never gonna make it.

Now, hold on, brother.
I think I can handle that.

All right.

Okay, Mouse Farts,
24 hours to show time!

How's your wife doing,
Dawson?
Real well.

� Tossing and turnin'
Turnin' and tossing

� Tossing and turnin'
All night

� I kicked the blankets
On the floor
Turned my pillow upside down

� I never, never did before

� Because I was tossing
and turnin' all... �

About face!

Okay.

Ready?
Check.

Ready?
Check.

Ready?
Check.

All right.

Tempo. Tempo.

Come on you guys,
get it right.

We haven't got much time.

Now, you with the trombone.
What the hell do you think
you're doing?

Come on, guys.
Let's get it right.

Oh, shit!

Come on. Come on.
Okay, hold it.

The Ambassador
has just landed.

The caribou is in heat.

Repeat. The caribou
is in heat.

Come on, come on,
I've got to
get dressed.

Yeah, in a minute.
Try it again, sir, from

"As we gaze
out over tomorrow's horizon."

Please, sir...

Look, Decola, I'm not trying
to tell you fellas how to run
your business but...

I am an experienced
professional actor.

I know all my lines,
I don't need all those
damned, cue cards.

It's just that we have some
code words in here that
are pretty important.

Code words?
Yes, sir.

"As we gaze..."

Okay, okay.

"As we gaze out over
tomorrow's horizon..."

You know, Decola,
when you think about it,

war is an awful lot
like show business.

Matterhorn to
Whirlybird do you read me?

Hello, Matterhorn,
Whirlybird reads you
loud and clear.

Ten-four.

Ten-four?

You got a location on
the conveyor belt?

Just turned off
the Ventura Freeway,
heading north on Balboa.

Is lard ass in the limo?

Roger, Matterhorn
The turkey is greased
and ready for stuffing.

Of course,
you realize,
Mr. Ambassador,

that these men
are essentially
not real military.

I mean, one can hardly expect
anything too military.

Nurse Nancy...

Time for your shot.

This was
the moment of truth.

If we'd forgotten anything,
it was too late now.

Here goes nothing.

Colonel Archer,
may I present
Ambassador Grimoko?

This is indeed an honor,
Ambassador Grimoko.

This is the aide,
Yuri Budapest.
It's a pleasure.

And of course,
you remember,
Congressman Balljoy.

Archer.
Sir.

Dawson, as soon as Archer hits
the podium, you get in there
with those cue cards, okay?

And General Reed.

I'm so glad you made time
for this.
Thank you, General.

Thank you.

Distinguished guests,
neighbors, and friends
of the 73rd.

Today we're honored
with the presence
of a true statesman,

Ambassador Galadi...
Vladimir Grimoko of Romania.

The men of the 73rd
have chosen
to commemorate

this historic occasion
in the richest and most
noble of forms.

As we gaze out over
tomorrow's horizon,

we hope that
the enduring quality

of ageless granite,
marble, bronze,

will symbolize
the eternal
brotherhood between us.

I think it's gonna
be hard ball.

And now, as we make
our way across this vast

military complex,

let us renew our commitment
to the preservation of peace

through strength,
preparedness,

and eternal vigilance.

Thank you.

Barnum to flim-flam,
foreplay has begun.

This way, gentlemen.

Here in the...
At the 73rd,

we've learned
that a fighting man
functions best

when his off-duty hours
are used to revitalize
his spirit,

and refresh his morale.

This way, gentlemen.

Everybody okay here?

At ease, men. At ease.

Carry on.

Hello, ladies.

Aloha, Mr. Ambassador.

Hi, Colonel baby.
Hello.

Gentlemen,

let's take a little
tour to our table, eh?

Watch out for snakes.

Live it up, men.
Live it up.

Relax. Enjoy.

MAN:
Hey, Colonel I saw
your old movie.

Let's sit down, here.

Ah! In for a treat.

A-ha!

Thank you.

Ah! First, beer.

Down the hatch.

Up yours.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Polynesian Luau Club,
of the 73rd

is very pleased to present

the tropical
ballad stylings
of Miss Betty Beep.

� Wicky Whacky

� Wicky Whacky Wooky

� You should try some
Polynesian nookie

� I'll make you drop
Your cookies, for sure.

� This Tropicana cutie
May put up a front

� But I can hula
Great on my back.

� Here's Pineapple Polly
Rolling for you

� She's a dream
That's there for your reach

� And there's Papaya Polly,
She'll go back to the sea

� With any old, son of a B

� So, if you're in Tahiti

� And you should
Meet this sweetie

� Remember,
What goes down
Must come up

� I'll make you insane,
Oh, hot as a volcano

� Guaranteed to
Make you erupt

� Come bang my bongo

� I guarantee to
Make you erupt �

ARCHER: Gentlemen,
come with me.

Okay, pigeons
have left meat rack.

Standby, merry-go-round.

Let's go, let's go!

Put that on, here.

Gentlemen,
what you are
about to see,

motivates and inspires
the men of the 73rd.

I forgot my pants!

Come on! Move it!

ARCHER: This

is the 73rd's

"Tomb of the
Little-Known Soldier."

I was looking forward
to the honor of reading
this fine tribute, but...

Well, after thinking
about it, I realized

that that honor
belonged
to someone else.

Someone much worthier.

To a true
representative
of the people,

a fine public servant.

To our Congressman,

Ernest W. Balljoy.

He would make
our little-known soldier
very, very proud.

Uh...

The man lying
here, before you,

Colonel Matthew
Livingston Lingus,

is not dead.

His spirit lives on
in the hearts

of the men
of the 73rd.

Not a day goes by
that they do not think
of Colonel Lingus.

Every man knows

that to help
the cause of freedom,

this man would
go down on a goat.

Not for
personal enjoyment,

but, to advance
medical research.

It was he, who
bravely volunteered

to be a guinea pig
in the Air Force's search

for an effective VD vaccine.

His efforts
in this cause were
warmly applauded

by the doctors.

And, several nurses
also gave him the clap.

His unselfish gallantry,

serves as a shining
example to us all

and has inspired
the Fighting 73rd's motto,

Awap-Bamaluma
A-Boom-Bam-Boom,

which freely
translated means,

If any lard-assed
commie dip-shit

diddles with America,

we'll nail his balls

to the wall.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you,
Congressman.

How does all we've seen
translate into action?

Let's find out.

Archer.
Balljoy.

Archer, what
the hell do you
think you're doing?

You ought to know.
You started it all.

The 73rd has gotta
prove itself now.
Are you crazy?

This is the Romanian
Ambassador sitting
next to you.

Whatever happens here tonight,
goes right back to Moscow.

Have no fear,

Papa Bird is near.

Papa Bird?
Shh!

The red phone.

The red...

The red phone?

Stand by.

Her panties
are off. I repeat,
her panties are off.

Her panties
are off.

Her panties
are off.

Show time!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Commander of
the fighting 73rd,

Colonel R. O. "Osky" Archer.

Stand by, Moby Dick.

First Sergeant,

Report!

Now!

Boy! Talk
about Hollywood!

We have erection,
stand by.

73rd,
ready to pass
in review, sir.

73rd, pass in review!

Go.

Eyes forward!

Who the hell
are they?

ROTC, UCLA.

Okay, Izzy,

let's fall in love.

You got it.
Hit it!

Oh, Izzy,
I love you.

Dawson?

Yes, sir?

I don't recognize
any of them.

Uh, well
they're all part
of the, uh...

Oh, yes,
yes, of course.
I knew that. Yeah.

Here at the 73rd,
our mission is to
move the material

and men of war
so efficiently,

that peace becomes
our adversary's
only choice.

Our winged beast
of burden, our mighty
dove of peace,

the C-97 Transport.

Drivers stand by.

Drivers stand by.

Until now, it has taken
an average of four hours

to fully load one C-97.

The 73rd says,

"That's good,
but not good enough."

When our country calls us,

from Seoul to Istanbul,

Bangkok to Berlin,

our job

is to haul ass.

Hit it.

These guys
are wonderful.

Got them
from the studios.

Come on,
load up
this sucker.

All right.
All right.

Come on,
come on.

Keep them coming.
Keep them coming.

Here. This will keep
you awake.
How's it going?

This is the big one.

Looking good,
looking good.

Let's go.

Listen up!

Fully loaded in

four minutes
and 27 seconds.

We did it.
We did it.

Hold, hold it down, guys,
we've got a long way
to go here.

Stand by, Hercules.
Hercules?

Hercules, do you read me?

Gimme that damn thing.

Tucker,

I've done
over 50 movies,
this is a snap.

Relax.

This guy never got over
being the lead munchkin

in the Wizard of Oz.

I think he fell in love
with Dorothy's knees.
Come on.

Yellow brick road...

PILOT: This is Ruptured Duck,
request clearance
for takeoff, over.

CONTROL:
Roger, Ruptured Duck.
You are cleared.

Roger and rolling.

Hercules.
Cue.

Three, two, one.
Take off!

There he goes,
the little devil.
Keep them crossed.

Roger. Go!

It won't start.

Where is the jeep?

McCracken!
It won't start.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit!

Where is the jeep?
Cue the goddamn jeep.
Where the hell...

We can't start the jeep.
It won't start!

Where is the jeep?
I'm gonna hit him.

Oh, holy shit.
He fell down.

Somebody, do something.

Oh, shit!

Look at Archer.

Come on, baby,
come on.

He thinks he's
a hero in one
of his own movies.

Hah! Come on, baby.

Go, Archer, go.
Go get 'em, cowboy.

Ugh, piss-ugly kid.

Stop that nonsense.

All right, all right!
He did it!
I don't believe it!

The 73rd stands ready
to protect the peace,

whenever and wherever
it is necessary.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,

distinguished guests,
Mr. Ambassador.

And good night.

We have orgasm.

That's grandeur
from my district.

My boys.
The 73rd.
The fighting 73rd.

Now, go home and tell
that to your Romanians

and the Russians.

� Come on let's twist again
Like we did last summer

� Yeah, let's twist again
Like we did last year

� Do you remember
When things were
Really hummin'

� Yeah, let's twist again
Twisting time is here �

Well,
the crisis was over.

So, the 73rd
threw a little
party to celebrate.

Now, I'm not saying we're
responsible for the Russians
pulling out of Berlin.

But, I'll tell you
one thing.
Thanks to us,

America has never
been invaded
by Romanians.

� Twist again
Like we did last summer

� C'mon let's twist again
Like we did last year

� Who's that
Flying up there?

� Is it a bird?

No!

� Is it a plane?

No!

� Is it the Twister?

� Yeah

� Twist again
Like we did last summer

� Yeah, let's twist again
Like we did last year

� Do you remember
When things
Were really humming

� Yeah, let's twist again,
Twistin' time is here

� Round 'n around
'N up 'n down we go again

� Oh, baby make me know
You love me so then

� Twist again
Like we did last summer

� C'mon let's twist again,
Like we did last year

� C'mon let's twist again
Twistin' time is here

� C'mon let's twist again
Twistin' time is here �