Original subtitles

I am tomorrow requesting that Congress, for the current

fiscal year, an additional 3.247.000.000 dollars

of appropriations for the Armed Forces.

Roger military transport. Tango. Charlie.

Coast Guard chopper six reporting...

WO It's this viewer's opinion, Huston's latest film The Misfits,

starring Marilyn Monroe...

The recent Kennedy-Khrushchev summit conference

did little to dispel the feeling...

WOSo I think the Peace Corps is a great idea...

This official album commemorating American Bandstand's...

This week here in Anchorage, Alaska...

Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four.

Five, and six, and seven and eight.

Run. Run. Five, six...

One, two... Four, five, and six, and seven, and eight.

Hey, Jeff, time for you to go.

Listen, I'm sorry, I gotta go, girls, I'm late.

Bye. The National Guard weekend.

Take five.

Hey, LA. Great day for the beach,

and a good Saturday morning to you.

Let's go, guys, come on, we're late.

Okay, hang on.

Come on, Bonzo.

Yeah, you can shave on the way to the base.

That's it. Let's go.

I'll never forget the summer of 1961.

I was a struggling screenwriter, working for a magazine,

while I peddled my script at the studios.

There was a lot of tension in the world then.

Just like there is now. And there was a military draft.

In order to avoid it, a lot of us who worked in Hollywood

joined the Air National Guard. We thought we had it made.

One weekend a month we'd tear ourselves away

from the glitter, glamour and girls,

and spend two days playing soldier.

What a collection of bozos we had.

Choreographers, actors, stuntmen, directors,

all sorts of Hollywood types.

Hey! You punks got to sign out.

Sign this.

This is Mort Seblinsky. He was a studio make-up man,

but between jobs he paid his way by putting pancake and powder

on some of the most famous faces in Hollywood,

after they checked out.

Seblinsky was known as movieland's mortician to the stars.

Hey, McCracken.

Big Phil McCracken.

He was an unemployed actor who took up boxing to get in shape.

And he was so good that he was about to fight for the California State Championship.

McCracken had a great big heart, great big muscles,

and a tiny little brain.

Now here's a real pillar of the community,

Cory Seacomb, a Hollywood gossip columnist.

Have a nice weekend. Bye, kids.

Now don't you forget to put my name in your column Monday.

Seacomb had a way with women, and men,

and chickens, vacuum cleaners.

Bring me back a soldier!

VINCE: Peanut butter.

Like I said, we were all good, solid citizens.

A hot young singing group, The Pledges,

even chartered a plane to get to the base, from Vegas.

Like the rest of us, they were hard working, industrious guys.

Make me happy here, brother man. Make me happy here.

All right.

PILOT: Hey, guys, we're approaching Van Nuys Airport.

I don't think I can set it down in this stuff.

Betman, you've got to be kidding.

Hey, hey, hey. We've got a hit record about to happen.

And if we don't make roll call, we're AWOL.

If you're AWOL in the National Guard they can keep you in forever.

AWOL, schmawol.

I'm not setting this plane down in that stuff.

What's his problem? I don't know.

No problem. I'll handle it.

Are we there?

Here is that great humanitarian, Sergeant Elroy T. Burdge.

One thing you can say about Burdge,

he may have been mean, but at least he was ugly.

That's me, Vince Tucker.

On drill weekends, I'd pounce out of the sack,

bright-eyed and ready to fly.

Geez, I hate mornings. They always come so early in the day.

Oh, shit!

� Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss I'm gonna raise a holler

� About working all summer Just to try to earn a dollar

This is 33 Baker to central desk, come in. Over.

� Every time I call my baby... �

Buck, are you there?

BUCK: There you are, Tucker, you ass bandit.

Where was Newstime Magazine's latest boy wonder last night, huh?

It's a long story.

Listen, you holding anything for me on this Berlin thing?

No. Just that press conference at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

The speaker's boring but the food's free.

I'll get there somehow,

but for the rest of the weekend,

my body belongs to the Air National Guard, okay?

Tucker, how long you think you can juggle this job with being a fly-boy once a month?

Just getting my career started and give the draft board its pound of flesh.

Yeah, but if a big story breaks while you're off being a weekend warrior,

our esteemed editor is going to promote Simpson right over your head.

Yeah, well, never mind Simpson.

If I don't get there in time. Sergeant Burdge is gonna have my testes on toast.

Over. Out.

All right, hold up there. Keep your shirt on, buddy.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Move that pile of crap!

I've got an important roll call to make.

What the hell do you guys think you're doing? Move it.

All right. Go ahead. Come on. Come on.

Assholes!

We lose this war, it's your fault, you commie pigs.

All right. Thank you.

You're great people. We love you all. Thank you.

Aaron Decola.

Captain Cabot?

On drill weekends, regulations strictly forbid

any non-military personnel from being...

Uh, they're part of Bob Hope's Christmas junket, sir.

Hi! CABOT: Christmas? In August?

Uh, last Christmas, sir. Their luggage was delayed.

Come on, Burdge, he's still got three minutes.

Not according to my watch, he don't.

He's only got two.

Now I got you, wiseguy.

Morning, Sergeant Burdge.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey!

SOLDIER: Atten-hut!

CABOT: Anders?

That's Anderson, sir.

Here, sir.

Seacomb?

Here, sir.

You turkey.

Give him a break. CABOT: Kerandon?

That's Kramer, sir. K-R-A-M-E-R, sir.

Randall, M, sir. Here, sir.

Cooner. That's Tucker, sir.

Here, sir.

Ten-hut!

Gentlemen,

the commies are rattling their scabbards in Berlin.

Our horse pates are about to hit the rotary cooling device.

So, starting today,

we are going to get our act together.

Because we are what?

The first defenders of liberty on the home front, sir.

And if we don't get our act together,

what is going to happen?

The slimy commie whores

will parachute in and overrun our country

and that would be the end of western civilization as we know it, sir.

We are ready to resume roll call, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Burlinsky?

That's Seblinsky, sir.

McCracken?

Here, sir.

Did I pronounce that right, McCracken?

Absowootly cowect. MacCwaken.

Smythe?

That's Smythe, sir.

Left, left. Left, right, left.

� I know a girl...

Yeah, okay. Hey, thanks a lot. Right.

Gosh, Wally, why so glum? Beaver screw up again?

No, something's up back in Washington.

I just got a tip. Our congressman may be paying us a little surprise visit.

Ah, yes.

Our favorite public servant scuzzball, and all around slime bucket.

The honorable Arnold Balljoy.

Why is he coming here?

Huh? I don't know, but I better go tell Colonel Archer.

He's gonna need time to get his performance together.

Yeah, good idea.

Look out! Let me see. What did you get?

Motor pool.

Oh, great. I'm assigned to take blood samples from the new recruits.

I'll never make it.

Come on, Seblinsky, how can a mortician be afraid of blood?

It's not the blood. It's that the victim is still bleeding!

Well, I'm not used to working with live bodies.

Gives me the creeps.

You always wanted to work with Nurse Nancy. That's certainly a live body.

Remember, my boy.

"The bearded clam is but a tender trap for the one-eyed trouser snake."

That's disgusting.

Jesus. If Jenny goes into labor, Captain Cabot says

I have to fill out all these forms to get off the base.

Face it. Cabot is a world class putz.

"Putz"? What's with "putz" Decola? You're not even Jewish.

I don't have to be. I'm in showbiz.

� Putz, putz, putz

� Putz, putz, putz

� Putz, putz, putz

� Wanna keep From going nuts

� Then you gotta Pound your putz.

� If you don't You lose your mind

� But if you do You will go blind �

They are basically trainable, sir.

They've just got to get in step with the military way of doing things.

Trainable! You couldn't even potty train these flakes.

No, let's face it, Sergeant,

the 73rd is full of every half-baked Hollywood weirdo

that ever set foot on a sound stage.

I'll handle this, sir.

What is it? Stopping on two.

So, who has two? Who's the big winner here?

BURDGE: Duckworth? Yes, sir.

What is our military mission?

Booze, broads and bullshit.

The loading and transport of military personnel and equipment.

I want to see that

in there

on the double.

Hey, what're you doing? I can't see.

Look out! Look out! I can't see.

Watch out!

ARCHER: One...

Two... Our base commander, Colonel Archer, was an actor.

In his heyday, he starred in 86 B-westerns and died in all of them.

But his horse lived, which was good, because it had all the talent.

Who is it? Six...

Airman Tucker, sir.

Seven. It's open. Eight.

Ninety-nine, one hundred.

Ah, hi, Tucker!

The hell with that crap.

What can I do for you, Tucker?

Well, sir, a colleague of mine in Washington has informed me

that Congressman Balljoy may be paying us a little surprise visit this weekend.

Congressman Balljoy! Yes, sir.

Well, hell, let him come.

We got a great bunch of guys out here,

they'll come up smelling like roses.

Well, sir, the men aren't exactly combat ready.

It might make sense to plan some sort of diversionary tactic, just in case.

Aha!

You mean in other words, arrange a little square dance

so that the Congressman doesn't notice the fiddles are out of tune, eh?

It's some kind of sashay, some sort of Bach social,

so he eats his fill...

But doesn't stay for dessert.

Sir, may I cut to the bottom line?

If Balljoy pulls a full, in-depth inspection, our ass is grass.

We sure as hell don't want to end up on active duty for the next couple of years.

No, sir.

So...

We better bedazzle Balljoy with a bit of brilliance.

Or baffle him with a bit of bullshit.

Ah, here's the sex-goddess of the 73rd.

Betty Beep and her Tomaine Traveller.

Betty's arrival was always the high point of our day.

Shows you what a lonely bunch of guys we were.

And I'm going to trade you for a Mercedes.

Hey, come on you brave, beautiful fly-boys.

Come and get it.

Hey, Betty. Turnover.

Oh, Tucker. I just love it when you talk dirty to me.

Look, I got something. Hold on. What do you got for me?

Here. Practice!

Twinky.

So, Tucker, you still driving that plastic car?

Hey, yeah, you know something Seacomb?

It reminds me of your sex life, four on the floor.

Douchebag.

Betty, coffee, hold the cream.

Okay, how long would you like me to hold it?

I'll have some coffee, too, please, Betty.

Here, sweetie.

So, Vince, what kind of odds they giving in Washington?

Looks pretty good for us.

Word is Kennedy's more likely to try a blockade somewhere.

Maybe move another army division into Berlin.

Can't afford another Bay of Pigs. No, he can't.

And we can't afford a two-year bite out of our lives. Amen.

Guys, forget about war and peace. There are more important things.

Here comes the lovely Nurse Nancy.

Hello, madam, may I show you to a table?

Thanks, but I'm meeting someone.

There he is.

Mmm, without cream. How thoughtful.

Oh, now Airman Seblinsky,

wasn't I going to show you all about drawing blood?

Shot down in flames.

Oh, don't worry about it, big guy.

You never had a chance. She came at you out of the sun.

(GRUNTS) Thanks a lot, Seblinsky.

I really love you guys, but sometimes, the whole wolf pack

is just a little too much to handle.

Yeah... Too much to handle.

Listen, Nancy...

About the blood tests...

I...

I'm scared. I can't do that.

Of course, you can.

No, no, I can't. It makes me nauseous in my stomach just to think about it.

A man who admits he's scared can do anything.

You know something? Huh?

I think you're terrific.

You... You do?

I do.

Thank you.

SEBLINSKY: So, she looked into my eyes...

And she said I was a pretty great guy. AMES: You're out of your mind!

She did! Nobody would ever say that.

Hey, guys. How do you describe this mystery meat Betty sells?

That's pleasant.

I love it. I love it!

McCracken, you're hurting the war effort, you're wasting gas, pal.

Man, that ain't cool.

I weally think you guys are over-weacting. It's not that bad.

Gas warfare is illegal.

Actually, it's not that kind of gas.

No, it's more like a high-octane diesel fuel.

Hey, McCracken, maybe you should transfer to motor pool.

Hey, gas like that isn't really gas, is it?

Sure. No.

Wait. Wait. No, it's not.

It's combustible, just like gas.

Decola, that's ridiculous.

You wanna bet?

Please, don't insult our intelligence.

All right, Seblinsky, come on.

Put up or shut up, pal.

What are we betting on?

Whether or not farts are flammable.

You're nuts. I'm in for $10.

I can't believe this.

All right, I'm in for $2.43.

Great. Now,

McCracken's gonna need some ammunition.

That's it. I've had enough.

Get weady. Here we go.

Kids, don't try this at home. We're trained professionals.

McCRACKEN: The lights. Turn out the lights.

Yeah, Congressman Balljoy, I can assure you

that despite what you've seen so far,

the 73rd can hold up their end of things.

Right this way, sir.

McCRACKEN: Here we go!

Hello, sir.

Oh, it sounds just wonderful. I can hardly wait.

Tell me. What're you going to wear for me this time, huh?

What outfit?

Nothing? Well, that's my favorite outfit.

Ice cubes? (LAUGHING)

Oh, we'll talk about this later, Captain.

Well, Congressman Balljoy...

Colonel Archer,

what I've seen so far, certainly leaves no doubt

as to what sort of leadership you provide.

Congressman, you've got something to say, say it.

Can't stand pussy-footing.

Okay, Archer.

You are in command of a battalion

of undisciplined misfits, dead beats, jerk-offs, and screw-ups.

If Berlin blows, they couldn't serve as sand bags.

And I am going to see to it that you and the 73rd

are called up and shipped out of my district

far, far away.

Admit it, sir. You're upset about something.

MAN ON PA: It's Saturday night, and here's a dedication to Cammy

from Tito the Bandito.

� Louie, Louie

� Oh, no Me gotta go... �

As usual, on a Saturday night,

we tried to forget about the military and Congressman Balljoy.

And took off to have fun.

At least that was the plan.

Hi, champ.

I'm not champ yet, but I'm working on it. How're you doing, Debby?

Honest to God, Phil, you are so strong.

So, what'll be?

Everything on your menu. To go.

You're just, like, honest to God...

Man, it won't start.

I'm getting out of here, man.

Come on, let's go. WOCome on, let's get him.

Honest to God, Phil, you're so strong.

TIMMY: Lassie?

Lassie?

TV ANNOUNCER: Starring June Lockhart, Hugh Reiley,

Jon Provost as Timmy,

and, of course, Lassie.

Would you like a little drinky-winky with your bubbly-wubbly?

Thank you.

� Come on, let's twist again

� Like we did last summer Come on and twist again �

I should've been a doctor. I swear to God!

Gosh! You know, I tell you,

what with the traffic and everything,

I think we're much better off staying here.

I'll be out in a minute, and then we're off.

VINCE: What a girl, what a night. Then it all turned to caca.

Here is the news for August 1st, 1961.

Pentagon officials made a surprise announcement today

sure to send shockwaves through the Hollywood community.

The 73rd Air Transport Wing stationed at Van Nuys has been called to active duty,

effective midnight tonight.

Asked to comment on this unprecedented action,

Congressman Ernest W. Balljoy said, and I quote,

"This call up by the Air Force will show the world that our National Guard

"is ready to serve.

"No sacrifice is too great to show

"those Russians in Berlin that we mean business."

The 73rd?

Yeah, that's us.

Active duty.

Did he say how long?

My guess is nobody knows. It could be a year. Maybe more.

Vince, I'm so sorry.

Your promotion.

What promotion?

Men,

as members of the Air National Guard,

we have been called to active duty.

You are now in the regular Air Force.

Full time.

So, starting today,

the 73rd is going to show those Kremlin Cossack suckers

the real meaning of the words "active duty".

Fall out!

But Zsa-Zsa, you must know somebody at the Pentagon.

This is my life we're talking about.

Let's go, Seacomb.

Shut up, you bitches.

Colonel Archer here.

Colonel Archer.

Hello? Hello?

Listen, you anus-eyed idiot,

you Bandini brains have bitten the big one this time.

Start packing, Archer. Start packing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What is it? What's wrong? What does it say?

"To the men of the 73rd National Guard Squadron.

"By Presidential order, 8 August, 1961, has been designated

"National Guard Combat Readiness Day."

"On that day, certain members of the Defense Department,

"Congress and select foreign dignitaries

"will conduct an on-site inspection of this base.

"Results of said inspection

"will figure heavily in formulating future plans for the fighting 73rd.

"All personnel are restricted to base until further notice."

Why us? I don't believe any of this.

Believe it, sweetheart.

Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm not taking this lying down.

Gee, I didn't think there was anything you wouldn't take lying down.

Okay, boy scouts.

Enjoy your little camp out.

Toodles.

Why the 73rd?

Why couldn't they inspect some unit that knows what they're doing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's it. It's Balljoy.

It's Balljoy. We screw up the inspection for the brass,

and he can get us shipped out of his district.

Don't you remember, he told Archer he'd send us "Far, far away."

Maybe if I apologize for my flatulence...

We've got to get organized. We need a game plan.

Yeah, right. Let's get everybody who can be trusted

into hangar 3 at 08:30, all right?

We probably shouldn't let anybody know what we're doing, eh?

Good thinking, Seblinsky. A clandestine get together.

Or better yet, a secwet one.

ARCHER: Seacomb?

Stop it, stop that nonsense. Men, take him away. Take him away.

Get the APs. Get him to the infirmary.

Son of a bitch.

Hey, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, guys, come on. Now, look, what we got here

is an unofficial meeting of...

It's an unofficial meeting of... I don't know...

Whatever the hell we've got here.

Hey, man, we need a name.

The Scweaming Eagles!

Hey, I got it. The Flaming Hellcats.

The Mouse Farts, man.

"Mouse Farts" says it all.

Yeah, Okay. All right. Mouse Farts it is.

Look, Congressman Balljoy won't return any of my phone calls.

So I'm gonna cut myself a set of phony orders

and hop the next transport back to D.C.

You know why?

Because we've got a damn good thing going here

and I'm not gonna let that cretin foul it up.

Yeah.

Hey, Vinnie, can we articuwate the pwospect

of his being torn wimb from wimb?

That's right!

Tell him that the Mouse Farts are not above wesorting to violence.

Yeah.

We're going to get angwy!

Okay. Look, guys. 06:30 here, Tuesday. Mouse Farts.

Give me a "mouse". Mouse.

Give me a "farts".

I always knew you were a son of a bitch, Seacomb,

but I didn't think you'd try so hard to prove it.

Gee-wiz, Nurse Nancy, I didn't know you cared.

Now, if you'll just put your little autograph there,

I'll leave all you children and rejoin the human race.

You know something, Seacomb? You'll never pass the entrance exam.

Yeah.

Thanks so much. And, these

are for you.

Lieutenant.

I've got a joke. I've got a joke.

Why does the crack in your fanny

go up and down instead of sideways?

I don't know, Mort. Why?

So when you slide down the banister, it doesn't go...

No wait, this woman has twin sons

and they've got mouths like sailors.

They're always swearing. They're always swearing.

She can't take it anymore. One night, she says to her husband,

"If these kids swear one more time, I'm gonna punch them out."

He says, "Go ahead and do what you have to do. They're your kids."

Next morning, the twins come down for breakfast.

She says to the first twin, "What do you want for breakfast?"

Kid says, "Uh, I'll have some fucking pancakes."

Boom! She hits him. He goes down. His jaw is all messed up.

He's bloody and stuff.

She looks at the second son and she says,

"Now, you. What do you want for breakfast?"

So, he looks at his brother all bloody on the ground. Looks back at his mom.

Looks at his brother again and he says,

"Well, I sure as hell don't want any fucking pancakes."

See you later, guys.

I know what my pwoblem is.

I keep expecting it to be fair.

You'll learn.

Ciao, buttwipes.

Let's at least hope old Vince doesn't strike out in Washington.

Hey, Dawson, telephone.

Hey, Dawson, telephone for you.

We think we've got problems.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's the hospital. His wife's gone into labor.

I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him.

I got him. I got him.

Okay, you take him.

Don't you worry, I'll get you there before the baby comes.

Hold it! You didn't fill out the paper work.

You asshole.

Hey, you sucker, wake up.

Deserter.

This is my first AWOL, Carter.

You blow this and you'll be looking down a latrine for the rest of your military life.

Yes, sir.

All right, we're gaining on them.

We're gaining on them. We're gaining on them.

We are gaining on them.

We're gaining.

BURDGE: Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

We're going through a fucking car wash!

Wax!

Who the hell ordered wax?

Pway dead. Pway dead.

Okay. Hold it right there.

Okay, buddy. Let's see the old operator's license.

Don't be widicuwous!

This man has hyperventiwated on the fweeway

and his wife is in wabor.

What did you let him go for?

He "hyperventiwated on the fweeway and his wife is in wabor."

Yes?

Airman Tucker, sir, from the 73rd.

Aha. The Hollywood Air Force Base.

Where the laughs just keep on coming.

If you're here for executive clemency, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.

No, sir.

I just wanted to tell you that little scene you walked in on in the rec room.

We're all very sorry.

I'm deeply touched.

Sir. The inspection.

Why us? Why not?

You know damn well why not. Can't you go off and inspect somebody else?

Well, I suppose I could.

But I'd miss all the fun.

Look, let's cut the bulljoy, Ballshit, and...

Besides, you mush-heads have a lousy inspection,

as I'm sure you will,

and I won't have any trouble in getting you all shipped off to

the garden spot of the Pacific. Rotman Island.

Where?

Exactly.

Oh, come on now. There is a lot of lives getting screwed up out there.

And you've obviously confused me with someone who gives a shit.

Don't slam the door on your way out.

Decola? Decola?

Hey, boys.

Hey, Tucker, how you doing?

Vince. How's the Big Apple?

That's New York, Seblinsky.

Right. I knew that. What'd you find out?

Good news, bad news. Found out we're in deep shit.

This is news? Balljoy is out after our ass.

We screw up the inspection. He's gonna ship us off to Rotman Island.

Where?

Exactly.

I found out Rotman Island is where they store nuclear warheads.

The 73rd screws up there, they'll send us home in an envelope.

I missed the good news.

Good news is, if we pull off a great inspection,

well, maybe we can dodge the bullet.

Hey, no problem, attention all you screw-ups of the 73rd.

You will perform brilliantly in the inspection.

Decola is right, Vince. There's no way we can get ready in time.

Maybe not, but Balljoy called us the Hollywood Air Force Base.

And that gave me an idea.

If we can't get ready.

Well, maybe we can look ready.

Come here.

I've got a plan. We're going to use some movie magic.

But we've got to get rid of the brass. Archer, Cabot and Burdge.

You guys with me?

Yeah. Bingo.

Absowutewy.

All right. First, we neutralize...

Burdge.

Ready?

Break!

Anyway, Sarge, we figured it's simple.

We're all in this together and in any case you can count on us for this inspection.

It ain't that simple.

There's a little question of AWOL.

Resisting arrest.

The cleaning bill on my uniform.

Sarge, minor details. Right now, come on,

let's hoist one to the fighting 73rd, eh?

To our leader. To the inspection.

Bottoms up!

That's it. He's out.

That's it?

But in the movies, the guy grabs his throat,

he staggers, the room spins, he knocks over a table, he falls down. That's it?

Trust me. He's out. He can't hear a thing.

He can't hear me?

Hey, Sergeant Burdge, I'm not saying your kids are ugly,

but there is no pick of the litter.

Sarge, do you know anything about real estate?

Is this a lot?

Come on, Decola. We gotta get out of here.

Hey, come on, you guys. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Watch.

What are you doing?

Decola, for Christ sakes, what are you doing?

Ta-da! The world's ugliest hot fudge sundae!

Okay, guys, the pwane is weady.

Holy Towedo!

Come on, let's get him out of here.

Check please?

Heave ho.

DUCKWORTH: I think he's coming to.

Call that a mixed blessing.

Hi, Sarge.

No, no, no, no. Take it easy, Sarge. You passed out.

Oh, Jesus this head.

You overdid it, Sarge.

I see so many people in my line of work who just didn't heed the warnings.

Slow down.

Slow down.

We don't want to have you out of commission during the inspection.

So we decided to save your life.

With a little R and R. In Sin City.

Sin City? Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

You turn this damn plane around.

I've got to get back to the base.

Have you all court-marshaled. You're all AWOL.

You too, Sarge.

We thought a night of merriment in Vegas might...

Merriment? You can see our show!

I've got a wife. You'll have a good time though, sir.

You can meet some showgirls.

Showgirls?

Yeah.

Vegas!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big Las Vegas welcome for The Pledges!

Sarge.

This one's for you.

� Oh, Elroy

� I love you so � You are my boy

� Don't you know

� Oh, Elroy

You were terrific, Sarge.

Boys, I've got to admit you did your old Sarge proud.

Come in.

Hello, boys.

Hello, there!

Darlings, you were sensational!

AMES: Danny, I'm so glad you could make it.

Danny?

You don't look like any Danny I ever saw.

Sarge, this is Danielle Dubois.

She is the lead showgirl in the "Creme de femme" review.

Showgirl?

That means you're a girl and that you show.

You were right. He is a rascal.

Look, you two go and have fun. We have another show to do.

Sarge, just sign our name to the tab.

Miss, mademoiselle, let's parlez-vous up a storm.

Ooh, an absolute rascal.

Have a good time.

Remember you pork chops,

I'm going to be on your first album cover.

Now...

No, no!

You wouldn't want poor Danielle

to wrinkle her clothes, would you?

No, no!

Why you don't just

change into your cute little birthday suit

while I get comfortable.

Comfortable?

Comfortable!

Don't start without Danielle.

You better hurry.

Now,

I'm going to count to three, then turn out the lights.

One, two...

Last one in bed, is a crepe suzette!

Three.

Danny, be gentle with me.

Oh, come here my French cookie.

What... Smile, Sarge.

What the hell was that? Hi, Elroy!

Betty Beep!

Baby, let's do it.

Seblinsky, I'll kill you!

Oh, my god! Look at the gut on this guy.

What a putz.

And Burdge is going to handle Captain Cabot?

Yeah, he's seen the pictures.

Man, he's volunteering for all kinds of stuff.

He's afraid his wife is going to kill him.

Okay, next.

Colonel Archer here.

Holy shit.

Yes, Mr. President. Colonel Archer here, sir.

KENNEDY: Colonel Archer, I need your help.

The safety of the free world

may well depend on your cooperation.

Yes. Yes, sir, you can count on me, sir.

Archer, it's uh...

Time to eat the pudding.

Eat the pud... Uh...

Yes, sir, yes, understood sir.

Just how do you, uh, suggest that I do that, Mr. President?

Relax.

Play some golf.

Let my men to do their thing.

We'll need you, uh, down the line.

Yes, sir. Yeah, I'll be ready, sir.

Oh, one more thing...

Ah, tell The Pledges,

Jackie played their new record for me.

Sir?

Tell them, I'd give it an A.

It, it has a good beat

and you can dance to it.

He bought it.

CABOT: Hey. You stop.

What's going on here?

Hey, you. You close that gate.

You over there, close that gate!

Come on. Close the... What are you doing?

Hey. You stop.

Stop! Hey, you.

You... Okay. I got your name, Airman.

Poor Captain Cabot.

It was beginning to dawn on him that something was going on.

He just wasn't sure what.

It was time to put him out of his misery.

May I help you sir?

Dawson. What on God's good earth is going on around here?

Ah, well, really, sir, there's no need for concern.

And where is the Commanding Officer?

He got a call on the red phone, sir,

and left for the links. The links?

Yes, sir.

Oh, my God.

The red phone?

Yes, sir. The red phone, sir.

Why didn't you say so, Airman?

Move it, move it.

Yeah.

The grunion are running.

He's on his way. I've got the stuff.

Good. Get in the closet.

This is ridiculous.

I am in perfect physical condition.

It's this base that's sick.

Captain Cabot, we'll have you out in no time.

I've got to make Colonel Archer understand... Strip.

What?

Strip. The orders say, "complete physical."

This is outrageous.

Our troops are being brainwashed

and you want me to pose nude

for "playmate of the month!"

Not that I couldn't, mind you.

It's not that bad, Captain. Come on.

All right.

There aren't any sick people here, are there?

No.

Well. Now, that's much better, Captain.

Can we just get on with this, please. Certainly.

Height, 5'4".

But that's impossible.

Captain Cabot, the numbers don't lie.

Since your last physical, you've shrunk 4 inches?

What?

Let's see what we have... Ah, ha!

You took a training flight in Africa a while back.

That's right.

Oh, my God. What?

"Zoowahloo Diminutivola"!

Cut the double talk, Nurse Nancy.

African Shrinking Sickness.

African...

What's going on here?

I mean, things are getting crazy.

Trucks are coming and going. Wigs, Styrofoam.

The red phone rings. Colonel Archer's out playing golf.

I'm shrinking.

You're telling me I'm shrinking?

Paranoia is a classic symptom.

Classic symptom.

You know, don't get agitated.

We better start the antidote immediately.

It'll only accelerate the process if we don't.

What was that?

What was in there? Fluoride?

You're with the KGB, aren't you? Huh?

Captain, please try to relax.

Go and get dressed and then we'll talk about it.

No, no, you don't.

Shrinking paranoia!

I'm not falling for any of it.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Please, Captain, sit down.

Oh. Thank you.

What was it that you gave me?

I...

Norton here. The goony bird is grounded.

All right, ladies, that's the whole ball game right there.

Everybody understand? Yeah.

All right, that's the way then, let's speed it up.

There we go.

All right now, time is money

I think it's going well. Don't you, Duckie?

All right, ladies, let's keep one thing in mind.

All right, remember, there are no small parts,

only large parts.

Okay, moving on.

Yeah, Dave. Yeah, I know the inspection is tomorrow night.

Whatever. Do whatever you have to do.

I've got a special for you and Jerry.

I'll be there in five minutes.

We'd taken care of the three stooges.

Burdge, Archer and Cabot.

Just when I thought we could concentrate on the inspection,

up pops the wicked witch of the west.

Tucker.

Airman Third Class Tucker.

Not too military with that hello now, are we?

Christ! Seacomb! You're all I need.

Whatever it is, put it in a letter.

Don't blow smoke up my ass, Tucker.

Listen, sweetheart,

there's enough stuff leaving the studios every night

to make three Gone With the Winds.

There's no press allowed through the gate.

You guys gotta be breaking more federal laws than Al Capone.

What is going on out there?

I'll tell you what, Seacomb.

One of these days, let's have lunch.

Now, look. Hot Dog,

either you explain,

or my next call goes to Balljoy.

Don't push your luck, numbnuts.

I'll give you the exclusive and that's it.

Okay. Come over to my place.

Blow it out your ass.

Ooh!

All right, 8:30?

Where?

Polo Lounge.

Okay. Bring your pencil, leave your personality at home.

� Pretty little angel eyes Pretty little angel eyes

� Pretty little angel Pretty little angel

� Pretty little, pretty little Pretty little angel �

We were running out of time.

A smart ass like Seacomb could really screw things up.

We had to keep him busy till after the inspection.

So, I called a couple of our stunt guys, and said,

"Fellows he's all yours."

Jesus Christ!

Move over pal, I'm driving.

I'm too blond to die.

Look, Mr. Police, don't let them kill me, please.

I want my mommy.

That's enough, god damn it!

They were right. Don Linguini, really wants you dead!

Who? Linguini, you know, the big mobster.

You're the guy who writes that Hollywood gossip column, right?

God. Not now. An autograph?

Hell, no.

Word on the street is Linguini got real pissed

at the review you wrote of his girlfriend's nightclub act.

No, not, Sandy La Bhuddo?

Right. He put out a contract on you.

Congressman Balljoy.

Yes.

Yes, General, I know all about the inspection.

You know, I have tried to work with the 73rd,

but, frankly, I think it's time it was exposed

for the disaster it is.

Yes, well...

The Romanian Ambassador?

Well, General, I...

I feel that an inspection to shake up the troops

could prove productive, sir.

But the Romanian Ambassador?

If he sees the 73rd, he'll get word back to the Russians

and then our military credibility is in the crapper.

You can write off Berlin.

You've got to head him off.

It's out of your hands?

Goes all the way up to...

That high?

The Romanian Ambassador?

The Romanian Ambassador?

The Romanian Ambassador?

Guys, guys, guys. We don't have time for this.

Now, Balljoy just phoned,

evidently the Kremlin's convinced that all of us activator reservists

are a bunch of total screw-ups.

Well, you gotta admire their intelligence system.

Okay. I'm sorry.

This is a new complication, I admit.

But maybe we can dazzle that old fart, eh?

From now on, everybody's on 24-hour duty.

We bust our buns and we're gonna hope for the best.

If he says, "Win one for the Gipper," I may vomit.

Anybody got any problems?

Hey, Vince, the guys on the drill team are never gonna make it.

Now, hold on, brother. I think I can handle that.

All right.

Okay, Mouse Farts, 24 hours to show time!

How's your wife doing, Dawson? Real well.

� Tossing and turnin' Turnin' and tossing

� Tossing and turnin' All night

� I kicked the blankets On the floor Turned my pillow upside down

� I never, never did before

� Because I was tossing and turnin' all... �

About face!

Okay.

Ready? Check.

Ready? Check.

Ready? Check.

All right.

Tempo. Tempo.

Come on you guys, get it right.

We haven't got much time.

Now, you with the trombone. What the hell do you think you're doing?

Come on, guys. Let's get it right.

Oh, shit!

Come on. Come on. Okay, hold it.

The Ambassador has just landed.

The caribou is in heat.

Repeat. The caribou is in heat.

Come on, come on, I've got to get dressed.

Yeah, in a minute. Try it again, sir, from

"As we gaze out over tomorrow's horizon."

Please, sir...

Look, Decola, I'm not trying to tell you fellas how to run your business but...

I am an experienced professional actor.

I know all my lines, I don't need all those damned, cue cards.

It's just that we have some code words in here that are pretty important.

Code words? Yes, sir.

"As we gaze..."

Okay, okay.

"As we gaze out over tomorrow's horizon..."

You know, Decola, when you think about it,

war is an awful lot like show business.

Matterhorn to Whirlybird do you read me?

Hello, Matterhorn, Whirlybird reads you loud and clear.

Ten-four.

Ten-four?

You got a location on the conveyor belt?

Just turned off the Ventura Freeway, heading north on Balboa.

Is lard ass in the limo?

Roger, Matterhorn The turkey is greased and ready for stuffing.

Of course, you realize, Mr. Ambassador,

that these men are essentially not real military.

I mean, one can hardly expect anything too military.

Nurse Nancy...

Time for your shot.

This was the moment of truth.

If we'd forgotten anything, it was too late now.

Here goes nothing.

Colonel Archer, may I present Ambassador Grimoko?

This is indeed an honor, Ambassador Grimoko.

This is the aide, Yuri Budapest. It's a pleasure.

And of course, you remember, Congressman Balljoy.

Archer. Sir.

Dawson, as soon as Archer hits the podium, you get in there with those cue cards, okay?

And General Reed.

I'm so glad you made time for this. Thank you, General.

Thank you.

Distinguished guests, neighbors, and friends of the 73rd.

Today we're honored with the presence of a true statesman,

Ambassador Galadi... Vladimir Grimoko of Romania.

The men of the 73rd have chosen to commemorate

this historic occasion in the richest and most noble of forms.

As we gaze out over tomorrow's horizon,

we hope that the enduring quality

of ageless granite, marble, bronze,

will symbolize the eternal brotherhood between us.

I think it's gonna be hard ball.

And now, as we make our way across this vast

military complex,

let us renew our commitment to the preservation of peace

through strength, preparedness,

and eternal vigilance.

Thank you.

Barnum to flim-flam, foreplay has begun.

This way, gentlemen.

Here in the... At the 73rd,

we've learned that a fighting man functions best

when his off-duty hours are used to revitalize his spirit,

and refresh his morale.

This way, gentlemen.

Everybody okay here?

At ease, men. At ease.

Carry on.

Hello, ladies.

Aloha, Mr. Ambassador.

Hi, Colonel baby. Hello.

Gentlemen,

let's take a little tour to our table, eh?

Watch out for snakes.

Live it up, men. Live it up.

Relax. Enjoy.

MAN: Hey, Colonel I saw your old movie.

Let's sit down, here.

Ah! In for a treat.

A-ha!

Thank you.

Ah! First, beer.

Down the hatch.

Up yours.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Polynesian Luau Club, of the 73rd

is very pleased to present

the tropical ballad stylings of Miss Betty Beep.

� Wicky Whacky

� Wicky Whacky Wooky

� You should try some Polynesian nookie

� I'll make you drop Your cookies, for sure.

� This Tropicana cutie May put up a front

� But I can hula Great on my back.

� Here's Pineapple Polly Rolling for you

� She's a dream That's there for your reach

� And there's Papaya Polly, She'll go back to the sea

� With any old, son of a B

� So, if you're in Tahiti

� And you should Meet this sweetie

� Remember, What goes down Must come up

� I'll make you insane, Oh, hot as a volcano

� Guaranteed to Make you erupt

� Come bang my bongo

� I guarantee to Make you erupt �

ARCHER: Gentlemen, come with me.

Okay, pigeons have left meat rack.

Standby, merry-go-round.

Let's go, let's go!

Put that on, here.

Gentlemen, what you are about to see,

motivates and inspires the men of the 73rd.

I forgot my pants!

Come on! Move it!

ARCHER: This

is the 73rd's

"Tomb of the Little-Known Soldier."

I was looking forward to the honor of reading this fine tribute, but...

Well, after thinking about it, I realized

that that honor belonged to someone else.

Someone much worthier.

To a true representative of the people,

a fine public servant.

To our Congressman,

Ernest W. Balljoy.

He would make our little-known soldier very, very proud.

Uh...

The man lying here, before you,

Colonel Matthew Livingston Lingus,

is not dead.

His spirit lives on in the hearts

of the men of the 73rd.

Not a day goes by that they do not think of Colonel Lingus.

Every man knows

that to help the cause of freedom,

this man would go down on a goat.

Not for personal enjoyment,

but, to advance medical research.

It was he, who bravely volunteered

to be a guinea pig in the Air Force's search

for an effective VD vaccine.

His efforts in this cause were warmly applauded

by the doctors.

And, several nurses also gave him the clap.

His unselfish gallantry,

serves as a shining example to us all

and has inspired the Fighting 73rd's motto,

Awap-Bamaluma A-Boom-Bam-Boom,

which freely translated means,

If any lard-assed commie dip-shit

diddles with America,

we'll nail his balls

to the wall.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Congressman.

How does all we've seen translate into action?

Let's find out.

Archer. Balljoy.

Archer, what the hell do you think you're doing?

You ought to know. You started it all.

The 73rd has gotta prove itself now. Are you crazy?

This is the Romanian Ambassador sitting next to you.

Whatever happens here tonight, goes right back to Moscow.

Have no fear,

Papa Bird is near.

Papa Bird? Shh!

The red phone.

The red...

The red phone?

Stand by.

Her panties are off. I repeat, her panties are off.

Her panties are off.

Her panties are off.

Show time!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Commander of the fighting 73rd,

Colonel R. O. "Osky" Archer.

Stand by, Moby Dick.

First Sergeant,

Report!

Now!

Boy! Talk about Hollywood!

We have erection, stand by.

73rd, ready to pass in review, sir.

73rd, pass in review!

Go.

Eyes forward!

Who the hell are they?

ROTC, UCLA.

Okay, Izzy,

let's fall in love.

You got it. Hit it!

Oh, Izzy, I love you.

Dawson?

Yes, sir?

I don't recognize any of them.

Uh, well they're all part of the, uh...

Oh, yes, yes, of course. I knew that. Yeah.

Here at the 73rd, our mission is to move the material

and men of war so efficiently,

that peace becomes our adversary's only choice.

Our winged beast of burden, our mighty dove of peace,

the C-97 Transport.

Drivers stand by.

Drivers stand by.

Until now, it has taken an average of four hours

to fully load one C-97.

The 73rd says,

"That's good, but not good enough."

When our country calls us,

from Seoul to Istanbul,

Bangkok to Berlin,

our job

is to haul ass.

Hit it.

These guys are wonderful.

Got them from the studios.

Come on, load up this sucker.

All right. All right.

Come on, come on.

Keep them coming. Keep them coming.

Here. This will keep you awake. How's it going?

This is the big one.

Looking good, looking good.

Let's go.

Listen up!

Fully loaded in

four minutes and 27 seconds.

We did it. We did it.

Hold, hold it down, guys, we've got a long way to go here.

Stand by, Hercules. Hercules?

Hercules, do you read me?

Gimme that damn thing.

Tucker,

I've done over 50 movies, this is a snap.

Relax.

This guy never got over being the lead munchkin

in the Wizard of Oz.

I think he fell in love with Dorothy's knees. Come on.

Yellow brick road...

PILOT: This is Ruptured Duck, request clearance for takeoff, over.

CONTROL: Roger, Ruptured Duck. You are cleared.

Roger and rolling.

Hercules. Cue.

Three, two, one. Take off!

There he goes, the little devil. Keep them crossed.

Roger. Go!

It won't start.

Where is the jeep?

McCracken! It won't start.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit!

Where is the jeep? Cue the goddamn jeep. Where the hell...

We can't start the jeep. It won't start!

Where is the jeep? I'm gonna hit him.

Oh, holy shit. He fell down.

Somebody, do something.

Oh, shit!

Look at Archer.

Come on, baby, come on.

He thinks he's a hero in one of his own movies.

Hah! Come on, baby.

Go, Archer, go. Go get 'em, cowboy.

Ugh, piss-ugly kid.

Stop that nonsense.

All right, all right! He did it! I don't believe it!

The 73rd stands ready to protect the peace,

whenever and wherever it is necessary.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

distinguished guests, Mr. Ambassador.

And good night.

We have orgasm.

That's grandeur from my district.

My boys. The 73rd. The fighting 73rd.

Now, go home and tell that to your Romanians

and the Russians.

� Come on let's twist again Like we did last summer

� Yeah, let's twist again Like we did last year

� Do you remember When things were Really hummin'

� Yeah, let's twist again Twisting time is here �

Well, the crisis was over.

So, the 73rd threw a little party to celebrate.

Now, I'm not saying we're responsible for the Russians pulling out of Berlin.

But, I'll tell you one thing. Thanks to us,

America has never been invaded by Romanians.

� Twist again Like we did last summer

� C'mon let's twist again Like we did last year

� Who's that Flying up there?

� Is it a bird?

No!

� Is it a plane?

No!

� Is it the Twister?

� Yeah

� Twist again Like we did last summer

� Yeah, let's twist again Like we did last year

� Do you remember When things Were really humming

� Yeah, let's twist again, Twistin' time is here

� Round 'n around 'N up 'n down we go again

� Oh, baby make me know You love me so then

� Twist again Like we did last summer

� C'mon let's twist again, Like we did last year

� C'mon let's twist again Twistin' time is here

� C'mon let's twist again Twistin' time is here �