Original subtitles

You seem awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

I-I've just got a lot on my mind.

Well, a problem shared is a problem halved.

I think we should break up.

Lyndsey's downstairs breaking up with Alan.

- Really? - He's gonna be devastated.

He was madly in love with her. They've been dating for years.

They were planning on getting married.

I-I still love you, Alan.

I'm just not in love with you anymore.

- Hey, Zip. - Just wanna be left alone.

Lyndsey's crazy for breaking up with you.

- You are a great guy. - Thank you.

You'll find somebody else.

As good as Lyndsey?

Look at you, already making jokes.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey. What you doing?

Oh, just taking a stroll down memory lane.

It's a photo book that Lyndsey gave me.

Oh. Here we are at the Santa Monica Pier.

[imitating Lyndsey] "Oh, Alan, I'm having such a great time.

"I know it looks like I'm eating cotton candy

"but really I'm just waiting for someone better to come along

so I can dump your sorry ass."

That dude in the Speedo totally photo-bombed you.

Bet she was sleepin' with him, too.

And look at the guy with the churros.

What's he smilin' about?

Okay, you know what? You can't live in the past.

You also can't live in this robe.

It's like the sacred shroud of urine.

What happened?

Lyndsey and I were supposed to take care

of each other for the rest of our lives.

She'd blend my steak so I didn't have to gum it.

I'd change the tennis balls on the bottom of her walker.

We'd keep track of each other's moles.

It's a romantic picture.

Glad you think so.

'Cause now that's just gonna be you and me.

It's not gonna be you and me

because A, no.

And B, you're gonna find somebody new.

You just have to have a positive attitude.

If you say you can't, you're right.

If you say you can, you might.

[blows raspberry]

Do that again.

[blows raspberry] Ow!

- Ow! - Now, suck it up!

You're gonna find somebody new!

- I can't. - Why not?

Look at me!

[mumbles]

- What? - Look at me.

When I met Lyndsey, I was a solid six.

Now I'm a soft four at best.

Really? You thought you were a six?

Well, maybe not a Malibu six, but a Wal-Mart six.

And it didn't matter. I was in love.

No one takes care of themselves when they're in love.

When you know you can have sex in a sweatshirt

you stop doing sit-ups.

Do something about it.

Get yourself back in shape, get some new clothes

get a haircut, get your own place.

Anything to get your confidence back.

Look, I appreciate the pep talk, but I've lost all hope.

Well, I can't give you hope

but I-I can give you my American Express Black Card.

Hope's for losers.

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-o-o-h ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

[beeping]

Oh, hey, Walden.

Hey, Jake, what's going on?

I was just calling my dad back.

He left me a voice mail.

At least, I think it was him.

It was just, like, two minutes of someone sobbing

and then throwing up.

Yeah, that was him.

How often does he cry?

It'd be quicker to tell you how often he doesn't.

He's gonna be okay, right?

Yeah, he actually got dressed today and left the house.

And-and-and he even put on deodorant.

Well, I-I actually put it on him, but he let me

so...that's progress.

I'm so glad that you're there for my dad.

You're like the son he never had.

Right.

Okay, so I'm gonna get goin'.

Yeah, yeah, me, too. I got to go run some black ops

and test some ballistic weapons.

Really? That-that sounds awesome.

No, I'm just messing with you.

I'm gonna go get high and make, like, 800 cupcakes.

Sleep well, America.

Ta-da!

Wow!

Wow!

You look..

Look at you.

This is your vision, my friend.

Oh, no, I could not envision this.

You were right. It's time for me to get back to living life.

Uh, check out my sweet onion.

My bodacious Vidalia.

Wow. How did you pack all of you in there?

Ah, well, uh, I guess I would have to say

it's...Spanx to these.

Is that a girdle?

Oh, no. Uh, it's a-a male sport control top.

It's for athletes.

Athletes with man boobs.

Not anymore.

Uh, Heather, the salesgirl, said I look like a DILD.

Oh?

It stands for "Dad I'd Like to Do."

Okay. Let's-let's talk about that hair.

Walk me through that.

Oh, uh, a-a young man named Juan did this to me.

Um, uh, he does Justin Bieber's hair.

- Oh, wow, that's lucky. - I-I know.

Can't believe Justin Bieber goes to Supercuts.

Driving home, you can't imagine

how many people were checking me out.

Oh, I can imagine.

What do you say we go someplace and try out my new look?

I wanna get my groove on with the hip, funky people.

Okay, yeah, I'll see if I can fire up the time machine

and we'll head back to 1974.

I'll, uh, I'll put my stuff away.

- Uh, Alan? - Yeah?

- My credit card? - Oh, uh, right.

Release.

I'm tryin'.

♪ Men ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Wow.

I'm seein' your hairdo everywhere I look.

Best ten bucks I ever spent.

I wish I had my deck of cards.

Deck of cards?

Oh, yeah. Close-up magic is a great icebreaker

with the ladies.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you

that you have a quarter in your ear?

Give me that.

Come on. You're a charming guy.

Just be yourself, stick to your strengths.

I-I'm sorry. I-I can't hear you.

I have a quarter in my ear--

Will you stop that?

What about her? Go buy her a drink.

She's a little out of my league, isn't she?

You're not even playing the same sport.

Just go say hi.

Okay, here goes.

Uh, hi. Can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, thanks. I already have one.

Uh, can I reimburse you for that one?

Excuse me?

Well, I would have happily bought you a drink

if I had arrived a few moments earlier.

Tell you what. Let me just give you some cash.

You're kidding, right?

Uh, here's a ten. Do you have change?

What is wrong with you?

Well, I'm not gonna tip you.

That was weird.

Yeah, she's the weird one.

Maybe we should just go home.

You're just a little rusty.

Let me help you out.

Hi.

Well, hello.

Yeah, before we go any further, I should warn you

that I suffered from a horrific industrial accident

down there.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Here. Say hi to my friend Alan.

How bad was the accident?

Say hi.

Uh, hi. Uh, I'm Alan.

I'm a back doctor

but that doesn't mean I can't check out your front.

Oh, my God.

That is hilarious!

You're so funny.

[laughing]

Oh, my God.

- Um, I have a question for you. - Yeah?

How did you get this quarter in your ear?

How did you do that?

Pull something else out of me!

I like her.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me. How did you get this quarter in your ear?

♪ Men ♪♪

Wow.

This is quite a place.

Thank you.

Looks like Elton John went on safari.

Oh, uh, nice eagle.

It's, uh, very realistic.

I wanna feed it a bronze mouse.

I can't believe you live here all by yours..

"Sabado Gigante."

- You like? - Oh, yeah.

The hair on my head isn't the only thing standing up.

Well, now it's your turn.

Can't wait to get my hands on that tight, little body.

Oh, uh, can I just freshen up a little?

Down the hall to the left.

I'll be waiting.

[growls]

[imitating dolphin's squeak]

[grunts]

[groaning]

You've got to be kidding me.

[grunts]

[panting]

No.

[panting]

Really?

Hurry up or she's gonna think you're pooping.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hello?

- Hello? - In here.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Um, hi.

Oh, sorry. I just gotta take care of something here.

Did you gain weight?

Oh. No, uh, this is water weight.

Uh, too much salt.

So, uh, who-who is this? Your grandpa?

- No, he's my husband. - Your-your husband?

Oh, don't worry. He doesn't even know we're here.

Well, maybe not, but I am not the kind of man who..

...can pass up an opportunity like this.

Hold on.

You have a lovely home.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

[Alan] 'Morning.'

Oh, Zippy, like it wasn't easy enough before.

I wouldn't expect you to understand European chic.

Looks more like you're a-peein' on a power line.

Nice.

Hey, tell me about that girl last night.

- Uh, well, she's a vegetarian. - Yeah.

And her husband's a vegetable.

What?

She's married

and-and the guy's, like, 900 years old.

- You're kidding. - She hot?

Yeah.

- He rich? - Mm-hmm.

Checks out.

So, how old is this guy?

Uh, well, let me put it this way.

He was one of the original investors in apple.

The fruit.

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out, man.

No, it worked out.

- You didn't. - What do you want from me?

He was in a coma and she was in a teddy.

Alan, you surprise me.

I thought you had more integrity than that.

Where in the hell have you been?

♪ Men ♪♪

You know what? You know what? Can we just stop for a second?

What's wrong?

You don't know me well

but I happen to be a man of great integrity.

And it's hard for me to do this

knowing your husband is right next door.

You want me to put him in a cab for a couple hours?

I-I don't think that's gonna help.

Look, I know I'm technically taken.

But you have to understand

Victor was 80 when I married him.

And now, 12 years later, he's still alive

and we're both using machines to get us through the night.

Well, how did you two even meet?

I was on a pole, he was in a wheelchair.

Our eyes met, and when I turned right side up

I knew he was the one.

That's-that's very...romantic.

I can't expect you to understand what it's like

to rely on someone to put a roof over your head

and provide you with the luxurious life you deserve.

Oh, my God, we're soul mates.

♪ Men ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

I got it. It's for me.

Surprise!

Y-you brought your husband.

It's our anniversary.

It didn't seem right to leave him alone.

Uh, well, this doesn't seem better.

Uh, but come on in.

Um, uh, Meghan, you remember Walden.

Walden, this is Meghan's husband, Victor.

It's their anniversary.

Hi, Victor. It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, this is normal.

Can you give me a hand?

I'm just gonna wheel him on to the deck.

Oh, uh, sure. No problem.

Oh, look, Victor! The ocean!

You remember it from when you discovered America.

That's-that's a good one

but technically Columbus didn't actually--

- Shut up. - Right.

Do you-do you think we should get them a cake?

Look at him. He is a cake.

Right. Pl-Plus, we don't want to get him all hopped up on sugar.

Come here.

There are a billion women in this world. Why this one?

I don't know. She's like a-a powerful sex magnet.

And I'm like a...sex refrigerator.

What does that even mean?

I have no idea what it means.

I-I need you to babysit her decomposing husband

while I plow his wife.

It's their anniversary.

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, come on.

Looks like you...found a new friend, Vic.

Can I call you Vic?

I'm gonna call you Vic.

[sighs]

Is this what I have to look forward to, Vic?

You live your life, you try to be a good person

you work hard to achieve your goals

only to end up a prisoner to your own body

while the love of your life is in the next room

doing the splits for some idiot she met in a bar.

If this is it, just kill me now.

[beeping]

Vic?

Vic!

Aw, come on!

Alan!

[Alan] 'Bad time, Walden!'

It's even worse out here! Open the door.

What could be so important?

I'm pretty sure that your girlfriend's husband is dead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

She's not my girlfriend.

No, no, no. He can't die here.

Think he already did.

No, you don't understand. He can't die here.

I have an infidelity clause in my prenup.

If his greedy 70-year-old kids find out that I was here

they'll take all my money.

Are you kidding? Your money?

Well, in all fairness, she did earn it the old-fashioned way.

Well, thank you, Alan. Show a little respect.

Now stuff him in the car while I go find my panties.

Look what you did. You got my girlfriend upset.

I thought she wasn't your girlfriend.

She's gonna inherit millions of dollars.

She's my girlfriend.

♪ Men ♪♪

Okay, when we get there, we'll put him in his bed

you guys leave and I'll call 911.

Don't worry, sweetheart, after the funeral

we'll go someplace warm and beautiful where we can heal.

And tan.

And swim with the dolphins. Ee-ee, ee-ee!

You two dreamers do realize

that what we're doing right now is a felony.

I-I realize and I owe you one.

One? Seriously? One?

I want ice cream!

[all screaming]

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

I can't believe you found a quarter down there.

And if you look closely, George is smiling.

Why don't I get us some champagne?

Oh, yes.

Champagne makes me do crazy things.

Well, that's good 'cause..

Crazy. Thing.

Nice job in there.

You saw?

I like to watch. Shh.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-o-o-h ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo ooh hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪