Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

- Oh. Hey. - Hi.

I thought you and Alan were going out to dinner.

We were supposed to, but then he discovered

his coupon was only good for "to-go" orders.

- That guy's a piece of work. - He is.

Which is ironic, 'cause he never seems to go to work.

That's true.

That being said, I do envy what you guys have.

You guys are like termites.

- Termites? - Yeah.

They mate for life, and once they live

in your house, you can never get rid of 'em.

Just like Alan.

You alright?

Yeah, I..

...I have to do something with him tonight

that's going to be really painful.

Okay, that's between two consenting adults.

No.

I'm breaking up with him.

What?

But you guys are great together.

You're so beautiful

and smart and fun.

And Alan's so..

...lucky.

I don't want to hurt him.

Then do something else.

Disneyland, dancing, bowling

pretty much anything but break up with him.

I have to.

But you and I are his world.

And if you leave, I'll be his world.

I'm sorry.

No, I don't think you heard me.

I'll be his world!

I feel so bad.

Alright. Come here.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

And I pushed a baby out of my vagina.

[Alan] 'I'm back!'

Don't say anything.

Oh. Hey, Walden. Want to join us?

Uh...no, thanks.

Hey, what do you say we all go bowling?

'Huh?'

Doesn't that sound fun? Just bowling?

No, I, I think we're just gonna stay in tonight.

Uh, oh, but I have a confession to make.

I, uh, opened my fortune cookie in the car..

...and listen to this.

Uh..."Your life is about to take a turn for the better."

I think you may have gotten Lyndsey's cookie.

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-o-o-h ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo, ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Would you like another glass of wi--

Yes.

Oh, you know, I was thinking, uh

after dinner we could light a fire.

Don't worry, I've got all the wood we'll need.

Cute.

Uh, you seem awfully quiet tonight.

Is everything okay?

I-I've just got a lot on my mind.

Hmm, what is it, sweetie?

Oh, boy.

I don't know how to say this.

Well, a problem shared is a problem halved.

It's kind of like that fried rice

although I noticed you didn't touch your half

despite the fact that you had to order it

even though the white rice was free

and the coupon specifically said "No substitutions."

I think we should break up.

Excuse me.

Are you okay?

You owe me $22.50 for dinner.

- Hey, Berta. - Just finishing up.

Then I'll get out of your way.

No, I think you should stay here.

Alright.

Let me take a quick shower first.

Lyndsey's downstairs breaking up with Alan.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, we knew this was coming.

First time I saw them together

I asked her to blink twice if she was being held hostage.

He's gonna be devastated.

I mean, he's madly in love with her

they've been dating for years.

They were planning on getting married.

Oh, my God, he's never gonna leave my house.

It's sweet that you actually thought he was going to.

Why do people have to break up?

Well, in my experience

either the magic wears off, or the mushrooms.

I feel really bad for him.

I mean, I always feel bad for him.

But I feel reallybad for him.

Yeah, yeah. It's tough.

We gonna do this thing or what?

I don't understand. Where is this coming from?

There's no spark anymore.

All we do is sit around, watch TV and eat takeout

from whatever restaurant you have a coupon for.

Did you want to go to the food court?

'Cause we can do that.

- Alan, it's not that. - Then, what is it?

I mean, I-I-I thought you were happy.

I-I thought everything was great.

It was, but-but things change, people change.

That's not true. I don't change. I never change.

Maybe that's part of the problem.

I can change.

I-I know this is upsetting

but-but better to do this now before it gets worse.

How can it be worse?

You gonna tell me you've been faking it all these years?

Don't answer that.

- Alan, I have to go. - Fine, go.

Don't go.

I am really sorry.

The thing is I-I still love you, Alan.

I'm just not in love with you anymore.

It's not a deal-breaker.

♪ Men ♪♪

You okay?

I guess.

I suppose it's better that she broke up with me now

than after we got married.

Then she would've gotten half of all my stuff.

Sure.

You know, I'm here for you.

I know that and, and I appreciate it.

But...I'm good.

Good.

- Walden? - Yeah?

I'm not good.

I love her.

I know you do.

I'll never find another one like her.

I know you won't.

I'm-I'm just saying, I-I know how great she is.

You're gonna be fine.

You Just.. You have to focus on the good things in your life.

Lyndsey was the only good thing in my life.

- Oh, God.. - It's okay.

[sobbing]

Let it all out.

[sobbing]

That's a lot out. Let's-let's put some back in.

Now you're all I have!

[sobbing]

[sobbing]

I know.

♪ Men ♪♪

Good morning. Beautiful day.

To...stick your head in an oven?

Okay, I realize I was a little upset last night.

A little? You googled

"How to kill yourself without it hurting."

Drama queen.

But I woke up this morning

and I realized, "What am I so upset about?"

Lyndsey and I are not breaking up.

Okay. So, when she said

that she didn't want to see you anymore

and she didn't think you made a good couple

and she wasn't in love with you, that..

What do you call that?

Foreplay.

Okay. Looks like someone's starting the day

with a hot, steaming cup of denial.

No, no, no. This is a little dance we do all the time.

She decides that I did something wrong

and gives me the business and then I apologize

and I give her the business.

Okay, see, that right there.

That's why she broke up with you.

I'm telling you, we are not broken up.

Okay, I see what you're doing here.

But pretending like what happened didn't happen

won't make it not happen no matter what you would like

to have had happened.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, thank you, I appreciate it.

But if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get my girl back.

Okay. Just in case, I'll preheat the oven.

♪ Men ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

Alan? What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

That's what I love about you.

Okay, let's do this.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing to be sorry about.

Our relationship just isn't going anywhere.

Alright, alright. Message received, loud and clear.

Now let's get down to bidness.

Alan, it's over.

But, but why?

It-it just is.

Is it because we don't like the same things?

'Cause I can learn to love sports.

It has nothing to do with that.

Is it because I'm-I'm frugal? Okay, watch this.

I'm going to rip a twent-a five-dollar bill in half.

Okay?

Tell me that's not sexy.

Okay, look..

I didn't want to have to say this

but the fact of the matter is..

...I've met someone else.

Oh. Wow. Wow.

Uh, world spinning, uh, gut tightening

vomit rising, um..

I'm really sorry.

- Well, well, who is he? - What's the difference?

Well, I-I need to know who my competition is.

I-I need to know how I can win.

You can't win. Goodbye, Alan.

Well, I have got news for you.

The word "win" is not in my vocabular..

"Can't." The word "can't" is not in my vocabulary.

Damn it.

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Aah! Ah!

Oh!

[Alan] 'Of course.'

'Dog crap.'

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey, there's soup on the stove if you want some.

I wonder if Lyndsey's new boyfriend likes soup.

He probably loves soup.

And wears cable knit sweaters.

"Look at me, I'm eating soup

"and wearing a sweater while I bang the memory

of Alan Harper out of this woman's mind."

[laughing]

- Alan, let it go. - You brought it up.

I brought up soup.

I can't stop thinking about him.

And her. And what they're doing.

And what position they're doing it in.

And where they're doing it.

In the bed, in the shower, at the Costco

between the meat and the tires. That was our place!

That shouldn't be anyone's place.

- And you're obsessing. - No, I'm not.

Right, we all picture our exes screw

between a rump roast and a snow tire.

You know what, I-I'm gonna go for a drive.

- Where? - Just out, you know, joyride.

I've seen your car, there's no joy in that ride.

Now where are you going?

I'm just gonna drive up the coast a little bit.

Take in the sea air.

How? Your windows don't roll down.

Just the ones in the front. The ones in the back don't roll up.

Goodbye.

I should buy him a new car.

So he can live in it.

♪ Men ♪♪

Alright. Where are they?

They're probably watching sports right now.

"Hello, Lyndsey, you don't mind if I watch

this baseball game in the nude, do you?"

"Sure, you can kiss me between the strikes

and I'll kiss you between the balls."

[cell phone ringing]

Oh.

Hey, Walden.

Yeah, I'm just, uh, you know, taking a drive

down the Malibu coast, trying to clear my head.

Yeah, now I'm, uh, I'm walking on the beach.

Sand feels nice on my toesies.

Whoa!

Walking on the beach, huh?

- Are you stalking me? - Are you stalking Lyndsey?

I asked you first.

Look, this is pathetic.

Sitting outside a woman's house

trying to catch of glimpse of her through the window.

What kind of person does that?

[knock on window]

[both gasping]

Hey, guys, what are we doing?

Playing a little peek-a-boo with Lyndsey?

No.

Yes.

Lyndsey broke up with Alan

and he's having a hard time understanding.

Oh, well, one look at the new guy

and you'd understand it.

- What, you've seen him? - Oh, yeah. Nick's gorgeous.

- Kind of looks like Walden. - Aw, thank you.

Y-you know his name, so you-you've met him?

Well, no, but I've heard her yell it.

It's either "Nick" or "Oh-God-Right-There."

Oh, that's it.

I got to see this Nick guy for myself.

No, Alan, don't.

You're better than this.

[Alan] 'We both know that's not true!'

Yeah, I feel for him. It's got to be tough.

Yeah, no doubt.

You really are a very handsome man.

Again, thank you.

It's not hard to imagine you naked and cast in marble.

Getting weird, Herb.

Right.

♪ Men ♪♪

Alright.

Where are you, you home-wrecker?

Oh!

That's better.

[hooting]

Ugh. Aah!

[Alan] 'Can this get any worse?'

[Lyndsey] 'Oh, God, Nick, right there!'

[Alan] 'Aw.'

♪ Men ♪♪

[beeping]

Lyndsey, hey!

Hey, I need your help.

You need my help getting back together with Alan?

No. I need you to tell him to stop calling, e-mailing

and texting me. Words and pictures.

Especially the pictures.

He's just upset. He means well.

Really? Does this picture look like he means well?

Oh, dear God.

Is he lying on my kitchen table?

So, will you talk to him?

Sure, right after I burn my kitchen table.

Thank you. By the way, you might want to burn your bathtub too.

Oh, he's coming now. Got to go.

[groaning]

Hey. There he is.

Looking good.

Ha-ha.

[grunting]

Where you going?

Lyndsey un-friended me on Facebook.

So I'm gonna go re-friend her with my face.

No, you're not.

You can't stop me.

Damn you.

[instrumental music]

♪ Men ♪♪

[knock on door]

- Hey, Zip. - Oh, what do you want?

A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond.

But for now, we need to talk.

I just want to be left alone.

Like I'm gonna be for the rest of my life.

Look, Lyndsey's crazy for breaking up with you.

- You are a great guy. - You're just saying that.

I know I'm rough on you, but that's just for fun.

I really mean this.

Oh, thank you.

Alright, good talk.

- How? - What?

How am I a great guy?

[sighs]

Well, you're punctual.

I-I do make it a priority to be on time.

- Yep. - What else?

[sighs]

Okay.

You have pretty good toilet aim.

And that's important to a housekeeper.

My secret is, I sit down.

And that should've stayed a secret.

Take care.

Berta?

What?

I-i-if I'm such a great guy

then why did Lyndsey leave me?

Oh, there's no telling with chicks.

But don't worry. You'll find somebody else.

As good as Lyndsey?

[laughing]

Look at you, already making jokes.

- How'd it go? - He's gonna die alone.

And he pees sitting down.

♪ Men ♪♪

I really don't want to be here, Walden.

What are you talking about?

You're doing great.

You shaved, you showered.

You realized wearing Lyndsey's underwear

wasn't a long-term solution.

I may have it together on the outside

but on the inside, I'm still a wreck.

I just want to go home and eat ice cream on the toilet

until I fall asleep.

Would you listen to yourself?

Trust me, tonight is gonna be fun.

Okay. But if it's not, you're gonna have to watch

"The Notebook" with me.

Really? Again?

[Allie] 'Walden.'

Oh, hey, Allie, hi.

This is, uh, my friend Alan I was telling you about.

- Hi, Alan. - Hello.

You two have a lot in common.

Really?

You know your girlfriend's new boyfriend, Nick?

Yeah.

I'm his soon-to-be ex-wife.

I'll just let you two talk.

Oh, oh. You know, I-I can see what Walden's trying to do here

and he means well, but, um, I-I don't know

that I'm emotionally ready to jump back into the relation--

How do you feel about revenge sex?

Big fan. I'll get the check.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Well, well, well.

Look who's doing the walk of shame.

More like the stride of pride.

Guess who heard, oh, God, right there

multiple times last night?

Not Nick.

Well, congratulations. I'm very happy for you.

I have you to thank you for it.

Ah, I didn't do anything.

Tracking Allie down couldn't have been easy.

It wasn't that hard.

When we were outside Lyndsey's house

she was parked right behind us.

Which is ironic, because last night I was parked--

Alright, alright, I got it, I got it.

I'm happy you're feeling better.

Oh, yeah.

And let me tell you, revenge sex is way better

than revenge masturbation.

Course, there's no reason you can't do both.

Oh, God, why am I eating on this table?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo-o-o-o-h ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Oo hoo hoo ooh hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪