Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

Hi, future me.

This is 17-year-old you in your dorm room at MIT.

Yeah, that's right.

I did my own Pop Up Video.

How cool is that?

Still is.

Hopefully you're watching this from your implanted brain chip

aka the "Tran-Schmidter."

Running proprietary software

developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.

Failing that hopefully you've at least seen a girl naked.

Hey, what you watching?

Check this out, I had all my old videotapes

digitized, and I found this.

Oh, my God, is that you?

You were nothing more than an awkward

pimply-faced, goofy-looking teenager.

We would've been best friends.

Yeah, I made it when I was at MIT.

It outlines everything I wanted to accomplish

by the time I turned 35.

Oh, I did a similar thing.

Well, it wasn't so much a video as, uh

something I wrote on a cocktail napkin.

"Don't kill yourself. It'll get better."

I was so naive.

I hope you've accomplished your first goal

as previously stated, of seeing a girl naked.

And I'm talking in person.

Which I did a short 18 months later.

'Goal number two.'

Create your own software company

that revolutionizes the industry standard

for information transferal at blinding speeds.

[dial-up modem bings]

Hear that?

56k dial-up.

In four hours I will have downloaded

the entire Spice Girls album.

After building your company from the ground up

you will sell it for..

...one million dollars.

Well, that didn't happen.

I sold it for one billion dollars.

Yeah, baby!

Don't.

Just, just don't.

Number three

live in a beautiful beach house.

Nailed it.

With the love of your life.

Nailed it.

Although it is kinda hard to meet someone

when you spend 20 hours a day in the computer lab.

Phyllis is now Phil.

He's a commercial fisherman in Baton Rouge.

But I'm sure all this hard work will be worth it someday

when you're watching this video with your beautiful wife

four kids, two dogs and robot butler

'developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.'

Hello, Walden.

Would you like a root beer?

Heck, yeah.

Where did my life take such a wrong turn?

What are you talking about?

I don't have any of those things that matter.

No wife, no kids.

All I have is you.

Well..

...we could adopt.

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha aa aa ♪♪ Men ♪♪

[Walden on TV] 'Watching this video with your beautiful wife'

'four kids, two dogs and robot butler'

'developed by Walden Schmidt Enterprises.'

Hey.

Oh, hey.

- What are you doing up? - Alan is sleep-sobbing again.

You still watching this thing?

I'm a failure, Lyndsey.

No, you're not, Walden.

Although you looked like one in college.

Yeah, I kinda did.

I mean, I wouldn't have slept with you.

and I slept with everybody.

Got it.

I even slept with the janitor in my dorm.

Is this supposed to cheer me up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look, when I was 18

I was convinced I was gonna marry Axl Rose

and have my own TV show.

Well, they don't give TV shows to people

just 'cause they're good-looking.

You know, Walden, just 'cause your life

didn't turn out the way you thought

doesn't mean it's not a success.

I mean, how many people can say they're a billionaire?

One thousand two hundred and twenty-six.

Seriously?

That's a lot more than I thought.

Do you know 'em all?

Well, there's not a club or anything.

But Buffett does host a poker game once a month.

- Last time, I won Guatemala. - Wow.

And then I lost at the end

to the woman who invented Spanx.

Money doesn't mean anything

if I don't have anyone to share it with.

Oh, I get that.

But you're not going to meet anybody

sitting on your couch feeling sorry for yourself.

Are you?

I guess not.

Damn.

I just don't get relationships.

Nobody does.

They're scary and messy.

And sometimes you get involved

with somebody you don't really like and..

...one day, you find yourself peeing on a stick.

And the plus sign shows up and you have to give up

your dreams of being an actress so you can raise a kid

who can only do math when he's figuring out the cost of weed.

Pep talks really aren't your strong suit, are they?

I'm just saying

things happen, but you can't give up.

I mean, if I had stopped looking

I never would've found my amazing, wonderful boyfriend.

Oh, you're cheatin' on Alan?

♪ Men ♪♪

[Alan] 'Hey.'

Uh, would you eat expired pudding?

- No. - Oh, good.

Then I can have it.

Knock yourself out.

What're you doing?

I'm looking for this card, and I can't..

Ah, there it is.

"Emily's Elite and Discreet Introductions."

Oh, fancy call girls.

I like it.

No, it's a dating service.

Oh, right. "Dating service."

Wink-wink.

You know, I want to like you

but sometimes you make it so hard.

"Substantial relationships for substantial people."

Ah, big girls.

Get your smoosh on.

They throw mixers for single rich people.

I wouldn't think you'd be into that kinda thing.

You've always been a-a fate kinda guy.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna create my own fate. Lyndsey's right.

I'm not gonna find anyone sitting around here

feelin' sorry for myself.

No, you're not.

Are you?

- What? - Nothing.

Hey, uh, can I go along?

- No, you have Lyndsey. - I'd be doing it for her.

Look, I'll find a rich, 90 year-old woman with a bad ticker

give her the best three minutes of her life

and then, you know, send her out with a bang.

Then spend my inheritance on Lyndsey.

Or whatever's left after my grief cruise.

Again, you make it really hard to like you.

- I just want a sugar mama. - Yeah, you have one.

Her name is Walden.

♪ Men ♪♪

Walden, we have a great mixer tonight.

I hope you're ready to meet some substantial women.

Yep, I'm ready to get my smoosh on.

I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous.

Don't be. Everyone here is rich and looking for love.

The only woman in this room

who wants you for your money is me.

- Happy mingling. - Okay.

Hello.

Hello.

- Trust fund or tech? - Excuse me?

The way you're dressed means you're either

the beneficiary of a trust fund or in the tech business.

Unless you're working here in which case

I need another drink.

Ac-actually, I'm in tech.

I started my own company when I was--

What do your Fridays look like?

Uh, a lot like my Thursdays, just one day later.

A sense of humor.

Some people find that attractive.

Are you one of them?

I love to laugh.

Now, I've got Friday evenings

Sunday afternoons and ski season.

- How does that work for you? - So..

Don't you wanna at least know my name?

Really?

We have to do all this?

Alright, I'm Sylvia Miller and I'm the CEO

of a major pharmaceutical company.

- Wow, very impressive. - Yes.

Every time you get an erection, you owe me ten dollars.

See? Sense of humor. Now, Fridays and Sundays.

I just thought maybe we could

spend some time getting to know each--

Nice talking to you.

Okay, I'll put her on the "maybe" pile.

Hi. How you doing?

Oh, hi, I'm Walden Schmidt.

Nice to meet you. TC Randall.

You're the TC Randall?

Author of, "Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries?"

I-I've read all your books.

Really?

Yeah, I.. Who hasn't?

Grown men.

Their loss. I mean, you're-you're an amazing author.

- Thank you. - Oh, you know.

I do have one question, though.

In-in book three, the dragons inexplicably

lose their ability to breathe fire when clearly,

in book two, the wizards gave them that ability.

Was that a setup, for book four or an oversight?

They're children's books.

Well, it says on the cover

"they're for wizards, dragon trainers and kids of all ages."

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.

Um, the dragons lost their ability to breathe fire

in the Caverns of Chaos.

Ah, come on they didn't even go

to the Caverns of Chaos until they solved

the mystery of the missing map.

Alright, you know what?

When I wrote those books, I was addicted to painkillers.

They make no sense, but they make me a ton of money

so cut me some slack.

Probably got the painkillers from the pharmaceutical chick.

- So, any luck so far? - No, not yet.

Oh, well, don't worry. There are plenty of women here.

Well, how about them?

Um, Sarah's oil money.

Stephanie is a tobacco heiress.

And Amy had sex with a senator and owns the video.

- Oh, my God. - I don't care how.

I care how much.

Uh, no. The woman in the green dress.

I used to be married to her.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I-I try to avoid situations like this.

No. You know what? It's fine. I'll..

I'll just go say hello.

Sure. What's the worst that can happen?

She's already got half your money.

Bridget?

Walden?

What are you doing here?

Just...drinking a beer

losing faith in humanity, planning to die alone.

I get it. These people are awful.

The last guy I talked to offered to give me a boob job.

- A plastic surgeon? - Unfortunately, no.

So, you haven't met anyone, either?

No. I'm actually thinking about going next door.

The Goldberg Bar Mitzvah seems like it's going off.

Mmm. Well, good luck to you.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

So, did I find what I was looking for?

Oh, yeah.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

- So. - Yeah.

That happened.

Twice.

Three for me.

- Oh, that's great. - Yeah.

The third time, I thought you were screaming

just 'cause I was on your hair.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

What does this mean?

It means we both paid $1000

to meet someone we already slept with.

Wait, you paid $1000?

I paid $2000.

Looks like you got screwed a lot tonight.

The answer is..

...I don't know what it means.

- I just know it feels right. - It does.

Which is odd because we just did

a couple things that were very, very wrong.

So, how do we make sure we don't end up

where we were before?

Well, that's..

Everything that happened before was your fault

so it's kind of up to you.

I'm a different person than I was when we split up.

That's good, 'cause towards the end

I felt more like your mother than your wife.

Oh, you're a much better kisser than my mom.

So are you.

The truth is..

...I've grown up a lot since then.

I don't need anyone to take care of me now.

So I don't have to check under the bed for monsters anymore?

No, of course not. Alan does that.

Does Alan do this?

Yes.

Well..

Uh, he does not do that.

♪ Men ♪♪

Can't believe you guys are back together.

Walden and Bridget. Bridget and Walden.

And Alan.

The three musketeers.

- Or three's a crowd. - Or three's company.

Or three strikes and you're out.

Okay, okay. Just play nice.

Sorry.

So, uh, Bridget, uh..

...after you and Walden broke up

didn't you immediately start dating his best friend

and business partner, Billy?

I did, but in hindsight, I realize

it was just a pathetic attempt to stay close to Walden.

You know what that's like, don't you, Alan?

Alright, that was a good one.

What are you eating?

Oh, it's a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich

with pancakes as the bread.

I call it a McWalden.

I call it a McBypass.

It has all the basic food groups

protein, dairy...syrup.

If you don't eat properly

your immune system can't do its job.

- I've had more colds this year. - See?

I'm gonna pour you a glass of

fresh orange juice to wash that down.

- She's doing it again. - What?

Telling you what to do.

She just cares about me.

- Meow! Whoopish! - Shut up.

Here you go.

Okay, I think you're all done with that.

- Actually, I was not-- - Drink your juice.

When you're done I want you to go upstairs and make your bed.

- But Berta does it. - No buts.

Okay.

Run!

♪ Men ♪♪

I'm so...glad that we found each other again.

Me, too.

- I wanna try something. - Whatever it is, I am in.

- It's pretty extreme. - Yay!

Are you ready to have your mind blown?

Among other things.

Let's...wait.

For what?

Let's not have sex tonight.

Let's wait.

I'm not sure that I follow.

Imagine how much deeper we could connect

on an emotional level if we weren't prisoners of our pelvis.

But I like that prison.

I just-I just don't want to be in solitary.

I'm serious, Walden.

I want sex to be more than just a physical release.

I want it to be a special event.

Okay, are we talking special event like..

...Monday Night Football?

Or special event like Halley's Comet?

I'll let you know.

But in the meantime, there's other stuff we could do.

Oh, I like other stuff.

- What do you have in mind? - We can cuddle.

Cuddle?

I think it would really help us connect.

Let's try it.

See? Isn't this nice?

Mmm, mmm.

This is so much better than having nasty old sex.

So, how do we know when we're done?

♪ Men ♪♪

There you are, Alan.

Come. Join us, please.

Oh, this can't be good.

So, uh...what's goin' on?

Walden.

Um...first, I would like to say

that I appreciate what a great friend you are.

Thank you?

Uh, which makes it hard for me..

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Bridget feels that-- - Ahem!

We feel... that you living here

is no longer beneficial to the goals of this household.

Buh-bye.

Fine, fine. Let me just say one thing.

Okay, when you guys broke up the first time

it's because Bridget thought you were a child.

Turns out she's the one who keeps you a child

by controlling everything you do.

Nuh-uh.

Mark my words.

Next, she'll start withholding sex.

You'll be like a dog begging for a bone.

Or a dog with a bone.

Either way, a bone will be involved.

Why is Zippy so upset?

Walden asked him to move out.

[laughing] It's about time.

- Hey, Berta? - Yeah?

Um, why don't you have a seat?

Ah, crap.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hi, sleepyhead.

- Hi. - Isn't this nice?

Just the two of us?

I'm a little groggy.

What happened?

I have a little surprise for you.

Oh.

What is it?

My balls?

No, sweetie.

My balls.

[screaming]

- How'd it go with your ex-wife? - It was a nightmare.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Uh, hello, future Alan Harper.

Uh, it's you from the past.

Uh, outlining my goals for the next 50 years.

Uh, I hope this finds you still on this comfortable couch

in this lovely beach house

um, hopefully, uh, with Walden

or whoever moves in after him.

Nailed it.

What?

I-I said, "Nailed it."

If you want coffee, go make coffee!

Buffalo!

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪