Original subtitles

-Every once in a while, I get invited to do a show somewhere

that's sort of -- let's call it out of the way.

And the best way to describe it is that it's in a town

where they write about in the state tourist magazine

or something, you know, South Dakota Travel Monthly,

and, supposedly, it's this amazing place to go,

but nobody you know has ever been there.

And the guy hosting the show will always say,

"And here's the best part.

We got you a room at the charming,

historic 19th century hotel on the square."

And the charming historic 19th century hotel is

not necessarily on the square, but at least half the time,

it's on the charming, historic square.

-I know where this is going.

-This is directly relevant, Darcy,

because tonight's next movie is "The Innkeepers."

And even if the charming historic 19th century hotel is

not on the square,

it's surrounded by charming historic antique stores

and Victorian furniture stores and quirky coffee houses

with porcelain teacups

and an old ship captain's compass on the wall

and glass apothecary jars filled with marbles.

-This is very specific.

-You always need glass apothecary jars

filled with marbles.

And -- -Do you, though?

-Yes, because they hold the cute marbles.

And there's some kind of craft shop

where they sell ugly pottery and they have a glassblower

who creates odd-shaped water glasses for cider sipping.

Come on, Darcy, You know what I'm talking about.

-Do I?

You just seem like you have an attitude about all of this.

-Yeah, because there's a horse-drawn carriage out

in front of Ye Olde Tavern with --

And Ye Olde Tavern has the exposed wood beams

and the ales created from buckwheat.

-Buckwheat?

-I don't know what they're created from.

They don't sell beer. They sell ales.

-Created from buckwheat. -Yeah, and sorghum and millet.

-And -- -These are beer ingredients.

-They're only beer ingredients in the Ye Olde Tavern,

next door to the charming historic 19th century hotel.

-Is this an actual place that you're describing?

-This is every place where they say,

"We got you a room at the charming

historic 19th century hotel on the square."

-And so they want you to appreciate their charming town,

and you hate that, right?

-No, no, Darcy, I love that.

I love hotels with creaky wood floors and no elevators,

so just taking your luggage to the room

is an adventure involving Olympic-level weightlifting

and noises normally heard when somebody is building a gallows.

-Well, okay then.

-I love hotels with clawfoot bathtubs

that are ice-cold almost all the time

because the water pressure is so low, you can't get them hot.

And if you do manage to get them hot, you run out of hot water.

So -- Oh, it's great. -Okay, we get the point.

-I love hotels that have sinks so small,

you have to balance your razor on a 2-inch strip of porcelain.

And I love charming historic hotels

where you can hear every conversation in the room

to the left of you, in the room to the right of you,

in the room above you, in the room below you,

because, apparently, in the 19th century,

nobody cared about soundproofing or insulation.

And I love that ceiling fan that doesn't work.

And I love that TV set from 1975 that has six channels on it.

And I especially love that breakfast room

where you're seated with nine people you don't know,

and they're all discussing the quilting convention!

But at least I don't have to worry

about the fitness center closing early,

because there is no fitness center!

-Okay, so if I ever book you for a show,

I'll make sure you get a nice suite at the Red Roof Inn.

-Seriously.

Seriously, that would be a relief. I'm telling you.

-So, what do you do when they say,

"We got you a room at the historic hotel"?

-I stay at the goddamn historic hotel.

I'm not going to be impolite.

That's why I'm sometimes grumpy, though.

-Sometimes grumpy.

Doesn't the historical hotel always have ghosts?

-Yes, it does. -That makes it cool.

-Yes, that's true.

And thank you for bringing me back to the topic for tonight.

-You are welcome.

-Yes, the charming historic 19th century hotel

does always have a ghost.

And usually, they got some kind of brochure

telling you about the ghost or really telling you about

which reality show they were on.

You know, "'Ghost Hunters' was here."

They want you to know that

"Our ghost is one of the most popular reruns on Syfy."

-How many of those shows are there?

-There are at least five or six of those ghost --

-Five or six? Million.

No, there's a lot more than that.

-There's "Ghost Adventures" on Discovery.

There's "Paranormal Witness."

I don't know what all the names of them are,

but it started on Syfy, I think.

-Those shows are really, really popular.

-And why are they popular?

That's got to be the most frustrating genre

in the history of television,

because they never actually find a ghost, do they?

-I feel like they must, right? -Do they show the ghost?

-I think they show you images that could be a ghost, I think.

-But isn't there always something kind of unfinished

at the end of every episode of those shows?

-Yeah, for sure.

-So it's like watching a detective mystery

where you know the detective is going to fail.

-Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

-Well, the movie we have tonight is one of the early efforts of

Ti West, the Pennsylvania filmmaker

who made "House of the Devil,"

which we also had on "The Last Drive-In"

and was very popular.

It's a slow burn.

-Yes, Darcy, it was a slow burn,

but it did have that great scene

where Jocelin Donahue was trying to amuse herself

with a Sony Walkman, and she dances around the house to

"One Thing Leads to Another" by The Fixx.

-It does have that scene.

-And when she opens the door with the blood-soaked towels,

no more Fixx, no more of The Fixx, because --

-Back to that slow burn.

-True. Would have been better

if she discovered a vicious ghost or something --

-Or anything. -Or a satanist in the closet.

But tonight, we got a movie made entirely inside

a charming small-town hotel, and it happens to be the hotel

where the entire cast and crew

was staying during the making of "House of the Devil."

And it was so haunted that Ti West

decided to go back there.

It's in Torrington, Connecticut.

Have you ever been to Torrington, Connecticut?

-I don't think I have. -See what I mean?

It's always the charming place and the charming town

that nobody has ever been to.

Anyway, he goes back to Torrington, Connecticut,

to film the story that he dreamed up about two friends

who are running the hotel on the last weekend the hotel is open,

and they're determined to see if it's true

that there's a ghost living there.

And the building is really creepy

because only three of the rooms are occupied,

and we know something is going to happen this night.

Because if nothing happens this night, there is no movie.

-Are you sure something happens?

-No. But if nothing happens, it is still the coolest

nothing happens ever, right?

-It's a slow burn. -Alright.

Let's look at those "Drive-In Totals"

and get started. We have...

Which is weird, because this is the guy

who makes all those Mia Goth movies, you know?

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Kelly McGillis

as the actress-turned-psychic, who swings a mean pendulum

and says, "You mustn't go down in the basement."

Pat Healy as the front-desk clerk

who doesn't believe in ghosts,

but runs a ghost website anyway and says, "I'm not negative.

I'm a realist. There's a difference."

Sara Paxton as Claire,

the skittish hotel employee determined to find the ghost,

who says, "I think this weekend is going to be it.

We're going to get something good.

I can feel it."

And Ti West, the writer/director

who can do the slow burn like nobody's business.

Three stars. Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

Did you notice, Darcy...

how I used the word "scrying"?

-I did. And I was very proud of you

for not stopping to explain it.

-Scrying is a form of divination

where you use an object like a crystal ball --

or, in this case, a crystal pendulum --

to look into the past, present, or future.

-I spoke too soon.

-You need candles, you need incense...

-Alright, we got it. Thank you.

-...and a scrying tool. -Yes.

-See, this bolo -- Anything can be a scrying tool.

This bolo tie could be a scrying tool.

Concentrate on this bolo, Darcy.

-How can I not, actually?

-Okay.

And remember -- You're not concentrating.

-Okay, I'm concentrating.

-If you get hit by a truck tomorrow, remember,

you could have done some scrying here.

-I'll remember. Thank you.

-♪ And I love you ♪

♪ Like you need to be loved ♪

-What's up, Claire?

-Hey.

-So, this is it, huh? Just you and me?

End of days?

-Hmm. Yeah.

Uh, have you talked to Ron lately?

-Ron is in Barbados,

snorkeling for the ever-elusive double-backed saddlefish,

and he left explicit instructions

not to be disturbed.

-Mm.

Yeah, well, if you owned this place,

you'd be off to Barbados, too.

-Sure I would.

Especially if I had two saps back at home

waiting to cover for me.

-Oh. Did you get your camera fixed?

-No. It's totaled.

I have to send it back to Pana-Suck-Ass.

I have my microphones, though, so we can make do with

EVP investigations.

-Okay. -Oh, hey, that reminds me.

I have to show you something.

So, I was trolling around on some of the paranormal forums

last night and I came across something pretty interesting.

You're definitely going to want to see this.

-What is it?

- Hold on. - Just watch.

Look closely. I missed it the first time.

It's gonna blow your mind.

It's really heavy.

-Bastard! Oh, my God!

-So good.

Oh, my God. Every time.

Oh, my God.

-What room did you take?

-Uh...216.

-Of course.

-Hey, I've been here since last night.

That's just the way it goes.

225 is taken.

Other than that, it's pretty much, uh, wide open.

Second floor only, though, remember.

Third floor is already done.

-Only one guest? Brutal.

-Eh, it doesn't take a genius to figure out

why this place is going out of business.

-Mm... okay, I'll take Room 214.

-I figured we'd take, uh, 7:00-to-7:00 shifts,

something like that.

-Alright. Sounds good. I'll be right back down.

-Okay.

-This festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge,

it is more than usually desirable that we should make

some slight provision for the poor and destitute.

-Okay, if I could just get you to sign that.

Here's your room key. Number 224.

You want to head up to the top of the stairs and take a right

and then another quick right, sort of like a dogleg.

And then you go about halfway down the hallway.

It's on your right-hand side.

You can't miss it.

-Thank you.

-♪ 'Cause I got a feeling ♪

-Do you know who that is?

It's Leanne Rease-Jones. -Okay.

-She was the mom on "Like Mother, Like Son"?

Dude, she's super-famous.

-Okay. Whatever.

-Man. Leanne Rease-Jones.

I wonder what she's doing here.

-She's guest-speaking at some convention in Pottstown.

-How do you know that? -She told me.

-What? Well, what else did she tell you?

-Nothing. Why are you acting so weird?

-I'm not. -Well, here's her autograph.

Just relax.

-Whatever. Why are you being so grouchy today?

-I'm not. I'm just stressed.

This site is killing me.

-Let me see it.

Hmm.

Looks good.

-I hate web design.

-That looks really good.

I like the, uh -- the little ghosts.

-It's not the most professional, but it's not bad.

There's a lot of money in this right now.

I just have to act fast.

-Looks really good. I like it.

And, you know, once we get some proof on there,

it won't even matter what it looks like.

Hey, so, I was thinking...

it seems like whenever something really creepy happens,

nobody else is around, right?

Like, every time you've seen stuff, you were alone.

So I was just thinking

that since the hotel is practically empty,

we might have a good chance of making some real contact.

Does that make sense? -Yeah.

-Yeah. I think this weekend is gonna be it.

We're gonna get something good. I can feel it.

-What? -What?

-What? -What?

Front desk.

Yes, Miss Rease-Jones.

Oh, sure. I'll send them right up for you.

You're welcome.

I forgot to stock the towels.

-I'll get 'em. -Good. Save me the ulcer.

That Gail in 225 is driving me nuts.

I don't want her to see me.

-Ooh, the lady with the -- with the kid?

I know. What's her deal?

She was giving me total aggro vibes upstairs.

-She had a huge fight with her husband

and she's staying here till Sunday with her son as payback.

She's having a very hard time

and she wants him to realize how hard his life is without her.

-How do you know all that? -She told me.

Why do you always seem so surprised

that I talk to the guests? -Mm-mm.

-Go on, superfan. Don't keep the talent waiting.

Oh!

-Miss Rease-Jones, I have your towels.

M-Miss Rease-Jones?

-Oh, be a lamb and hand me one of those.

Oh, thank you.

-You're welcome, Miss Rease-Jones.

-Call me Lee. -Okay.

-Oh. What's your name, sweetheart?

-Claire.

-Oh, you're a lifesaver, Claire.

-Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't, I couldn't.

-Come on. You'll hurt an old lady's feelings.

-Thanks, Miss -- Uh...Lee.

I'm a really big fan of yours.

"Like Mother, Like Son"

was one of my all-time favorite shows,

and you were amazing in it.

And in, uh, "The Waking of Eleanor"

I love that film.

Yeah, I used to watch it all the time

when I was growing up with my mom.

I even used to wear my hair in, like, little braids

like you did.

And, I mean, they never looked as good, though.

-Well, thank you. It's very nice of you to say.

And what do you do, Claire?

-I work at the front desk.

So if there's anything else that you need, just let me know.

I mean, this is our last weekend open,

so Luke and I are the only people on staff today.

Yeah, we're actually sleeping here instead of going home.

It's pretty crazy.

-I meant in life.

Are you, uh, an aspiring actress?

Is that what makes you such an astute fan of my work?

-Me? No, I-I just work at the hotel.

-Oh.

-But, um, I'm just kind of, like, you know, in between

stuff.

Okay.

Uh, Claire.

The towels?

-Right.

Of course. Yes. There you go.

-How'd it go?

You two gonna collaborate on something?

-She kinda made me feel like an asshole.

-Well, she's an actress.

-What's that supposed to mean?

What do you know about actresses, anyway?

-I don't know a lot, but I do know a little bit

about a lot of things.

-Ugh! Why did you have to be such a bummer?

And why do you have to be so negative?

-I'm not negative. I'm a realist.

There's a difference.

-You're pessimistic.

-Pessimism is just a higher form of optimism.

If you expect nothing from people,

then you go through life being pleasantly surprised.

-Yeah, well, nobody loves an albatross.

We need some coffee. You want anything?

-I do not.

-Fine!

-Hey, how's it going? -Hello.

-What can I get for you?

-Um...uh...

-Tell you what. You take your time,

and if you have any questions, just let me know.

-Doesn't a cyclops always have one eye?

-What do you mean?

Never mind. Um...

I will have a large soy mocha latte with a pump of caramel.

-Good choice.

So, uh, how are things going next door?

-Um, fine.

-Can I speak frankly with you?

I mean, I know we don't know each other that well,

but I see you all the time, and we're all girls here.

This Sunday, my boyfriend is taking me

on a picnic to the bay, and I'm really excited.

I know it's going to be super-romantic.

And I think that I'm not letting myself be fully excited

because there's something in our relationship

that's been bothering me,

which is that we've been together for almost a year,

and he still has not told me that he loves me.

And I just need to talk to somebody about it,

because I don't want to ask him to tell me.

I mean, he said it on IM. That's the thing.

He said it on IM, which my friend says doesn't count.

It's like saying "I love you" during sex doesn't count.

And so I wonder...

-Where's your coffee?

-They ran out.

-Is that annoying girl still there?

-Ugh! Yes.

-What a fail blog.

-Epic.

Do you ever think about when you dropped out of college

and wonder if you made the right choice?

-Every day.

-Why do people have such high expectations?

-Everything happens for a reason, Claire.

Nobody just ends up at The Yankee Pedlar.

-I guess.

You know what really gets me, though?

-Hold that thought.

My eyes feel like they've been doused with Tapatio.

I need to go upstairs.

What?

I'm sorry. I'm dead.

We can talk about your upcoming quarter-life crisis tomorrow.

I just need to tap out right now.

-Fine. Leave your computer, though.

What? I'm not gonna hack the system.

I just want to look up a pair of high-tops.

And it gets really boring

when there's nobody else at the hotel.

And my book sucks.

-Okay. Just be careful with it.

-Duh.

-Oh, and if you get the itch to do any recording,

the recorder is charging in the back office.

You remember how to use it.

You just plug the microphone into the, uh...

-I know how to do it. I get it.

-Geez! Hate to be a ghost in this hotel tonight.

Good night, Claire.

-Good night, Luke.

Where is your website?

Wow. Don't let me forget to remind him about this.

Tragedy.

Creepy.

Whoa.

Shit! How do you work this thing?

-I don't want to scare you, but I'm standing right behind you.

I'm sorry.

-Fuck! What the fuck?! -Shit.

-Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me! Crap!

-What are you doing over here, anyway?

-I thought I heard a noise, dude.

Like what?

-Banging. Like a banging, man.

Oh! -Okay, well...

-God!

-...I woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep,

so we can switch now if you want.

-Fuck! Okay. God! Aah!

-Sorry.

Aah! Fuck!

-My heart is pounding!

-Remember the genre we made up for "House of the Devil?

-Mumble-gore. -Mumble-gore. Right?

Why is there a random scene of Lena Dunham serving coffee

and talking about her boyfriend in this movie?

-Mumble-gore. -Mumble-gore.

-Mumble-gore.

-With no gore.

Just two jump scares so far, and one of them

was on a laptop screen.

-We can only hope that they're making us like these two people

so that they can kill them later.

-Except they're not very likable people.

-Well, I think they're fine.

-Anyway, that's Sara Paxton as Claire.

She was a child actress,

and since she lived in Southern California,

she lived in Woodland Hills,

she was able to get constant work from the time

she graduated from El Camino Real High School in 2006.

El Camino Real is where all the smart kids in the Valley go.

-Is it? -Most of them.

It was a charter school.

But, anyway, Sara Paxton was doing the usual guesting on TV

and small movies, and then she got a part in

"The Last House on the Left" remake,

and that's where Ti West noticed her,

and he cast her for this movie.

But she'd been working since she was 8 years old.

And then the other main character is Luke,

played by Pat Healy from Chicago.

He was part of Steppenwolf Theatre,

the cool theater company in Chicago,

founded by Gary Sinise in the '70s.

You know, people like John Malkovich,

Laurie Metcalf came out of there.

Thespians work there.

Pat Healy does movies like

"Killers of the Flower Moon" or "Flowers of the Killer Moon."

I always get them mixed -- "Killers of the Flower Moon,"

that 17-hour movie that Martin Scorsese

made in Oklahoma.

So -- -So bitter.

-The two perfect actors for Ti West dialogue.

-Very smooth talkers. -Exactly.

Snappy patter, hip culture references.

But I think this first chapter of the movie

does a good job of setting up The Yankee Pedlar Hotel,

as it's the end of the line.

It's the least-desirable minimum-wage job you can have,

and that's the kind of thing that people bond over.

And one of the things they talk about is ghosts.

So, back to the movie. Roll it.

Bad jobs, though -- bad jobs always bring people together.

Are you still in touch with anybody

you worked with when you worked at Blockbuster?

-There's like one person I could reach out to

if you really need me to.

-Was that your lowest-paid job?

-Oh, I don't think so, actually.

I had a worse one at a sock factory,

because at least Blockbuster gave you extra pay on holidays.

Yeah!

-You worked at a sock factory? What kind of socks did you make?

-Just, like, really boring, brown, plain, stupid ones.

I only worked there for a little bit

and then I said, "Fuck this shit."

-My job like that was working for the IRS,

mailing out blank income tax forms to the post offices.

Do you know how many income-tax forms there are in this world?

-Way too many.

-If the post office in Smackover, Arkansas,

needs some new Form 4797 for farmers

because the farmers have to report their swine earnings

or whatever, then the postmaster sends

in a form to IRS Central saying, "We need 15 Form 4797s."

So you're supposed to walk through this building

that's the size of a football field

until you find the rack of 4797s,

and then you get exactly 15 of them

and you box them up and you send them to Smackover.

-And that's what you did?

-Yeah, I did that.

-You counted out IRS forms.

-Well, you're supposed to count them out.

I just went like, you know, grabbed some, close enough,

stuff them in an envelope.

-And did you bond with your fellow tax-form workers?

-Not really.

And no Christmas bonus and no April 15th bonus,

because that's our busy time.

-That sounds really hard.

-My dad would always tell me jobs like that build character.

-How do you think that worked for you?

-I think "It builds character" is something

they say to get teenagers to do meaningless jobs.

You are actually destroying brain cells in a job like that.

-Yes.

-Do you know the story of Madeline O'Malley?

She was the woman that died here in the hotel.

She hung herself after her fiancé stood her up

on their wedding day.

The original owners of the hotel thought it would be bad press

and hurt the business,

so they hid her dead body in the wood cellar for three days,

before they could smuggle her out of the loading bay.

When the people of the town finally figured out

what had happened here, they were outraged.

So the owners had to close the hotel down

and were forced to sell it.

Nobody came through here again until the '60s.

And ever since then,

people have reported seeing the ghost of Madeline O'Malley

roaming the hallways, waiting for her lover.

Some say she's even looking to take up a new one.

-Excuse me. What are you doing?

-Mommy! -What's going on?

-She said there's a ghost in the hotel.

She said it's coming to get me. -I never said that.

-What is the matter with you?

He's just a child.

Sweetie, sweetie, it's okay.

It's not real. It's just a story.

Okay? Alright? Come here.

I don't need this.

I have enough going on in my life.

-Yes, ma'am. -Okay.

And you? We still need towels. I am tired of asking.

Don't make me the bad guy in this.

-Right.

-We're in Room 225.

-Yeah, I know which room you're in.

I work in the hotel.

-Come on, sweetie. It's a silly story, right?

-Okay.

-Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Oh, I bought that cheap bread. I can taste it.

-Never skimp on bread. You'll always regret it.

So, why do you think she sticks around here?

-Beats me. Our rates aren't that cheap.

The Courtyard by Marriott out on Route 13 is much better.

-No, not her. I mean Madeline. What do you think she wants?

-I don't know.

I don't spend my time trying to figure out what women want,

especially dead ones.

-Please. -Ha.

-Well, when you saw her, what did she look like?

-Mm... -Like, was she all dead-looking?

-The thing about physical encounters is,

you don't really remember the details.

It's weird, because you think you would,

but it's like she was there the one minute

and then gone the next.

It's almost like she was never even there at all.

I don't know. It's hard to explain.

You kind of just had to be there.

-I'm so jealous.

But if I saw her, I probably would have freaked out.

I can't believe you never had your camera with you.

-I know. It kills me.

You down for some recording tonight?

-Mm. Definitely.

We've gotta find some proof that Madeline O'Malley really exists

before this place closes down.

We have to.

I mean, imagine how she feels being stuck here forever.

We gotta get something on tape.

It's like a moral imperative.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ugh!

Hi, Lee.

Shit.

How'd you get in there, bird?

Luke.

Luke, you are not going to believe

what just happened to me.

Luke?

-What? -Uh, never mind.

-I'm a pumpkin.

I gotta kill the snake. Don't forget to record.

I left the list for you on the desk.

-Okay.

Enjoy your Internet porn.

This is EVP recording of the laundry room.

Luke, I'm skipping this one. There's nothing in here.

This is the EVP recording of the banquet room.

I'm trying to contact the spirit of Madeline O'Malley.

Madeline, if you can hear me, please give us a sign.

Damn it, Luke. You said this thing would be set up.

-Ooh! Spooky piano keys.

This movie is really taking off now.

-Yes.

-Okay, as I mentioned in the intro,

The Yankee Pedlar is a real hotel.

It's closed right now, so don't even try to find it.

But it was built in 1891 by the Conleys, Frank and Alice.

In fact, it was called the Conley Hotel,

and Alice Conley apparently died there,

and most of the local ghost stories

revolve around it being her who's the ghost.

But I think Claire's story about the jilted bride

is a much better story,

so I'm glad they changed the real story.

Anyway, the Conleys both died in 1910,

and the hotel passed to their niece,

who couldn't handle it and sold it in 1912.

And then it went through multiple owners

over the next hundred years,

but, eventually, it went bankrupt in 2014,

just three years after this movie was made,

and a company bought it out of bankruptcy court

and vowed to reopen it, but never did.

And it started to deteriorate,

and the city of Torrington took it over in 2021

so it wouldn't have to be demolished.

And they apparently have a new owner in mind,

but nothing is quite settled.

Apparently, the interior is gutted, though,

so most of those rooms don't even exist anymore.

But if you recall,

Dee Wallace has a small part in "The House of the Devil,"

the movie Ti West was making when he first saw this hotel,

and Dee Wallace truly believed the hotel was haunted,

and she did some kind of readings or psychic stuff

while she was staying there,

using a scrying tool called a crystal pendulum,

and that is partly the inspiration for the script.

So the character of Leanne Rease-Jones

is partly based on Dee Wallace, and, apparently,

Ti West had a hell of a time casting this movie,

because his first choice for the psychic was Bo Derek,

but she turned him down.

And apparently, several other name actresses turned him down,

and their agents would get incensed.

They would say, "How dare you offer

this part of a washed-up actress to my client?"

But the character is not really washed up.

She's just known for a show from the past

and she has moved on from acting to something else.

Anyway, Kelly McGillis had no problem taking the part.

She is known for "Witness," "Top Gun," "The Accused."

She played Hedda Gabler on Broadway.

She was like, "Hell yes, that's a good part."

So, Ti West cast her on a Zoom call.

He knew he wanted her when she came to the Zoom,

because she came to the Zoom smoking a cigarette.

Perfect casting, though,

and she twists the story in a very interesting way.

And her best work is coming up.

So let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

Oh, and I meant to ask you before.

There's that scene.

Oh, boy.

There's that scene where Claire discovers

Luke's laptop search history,

and it has all these porn sites on it.

I don't know if they're real porn sites or not.

And one of them is called "Tit Slap Tub Girl Soup."

What do you think that is?

-Um, sounds like lots of girls

in a tub slapping each other's titties.

Am I right? Right?

-How about "XXX Chinese pancakes"?

-Flat-chested Asian chicks?

Maybe? That's what it sounds like.

I don't know. -I mean, I'm still --

But "Tit Slap Tub Girl Soup."

I'm wondering about the word "soup" in that one, though.

Soup?

-There's lots of girls in the water.

-Okay. -Soupy.

-If you're gonna slap boobs, you want a variety, right?

-Exactly. Different flavors of the soup.

-Okay. Thanks for that clarification.

-You're welcome.

-Luke! Luke, let me in! Wake up!

Come on, wake up, wake up, wake up!

-Hold it, hold it, hold it.

-Luke!

-What the "F"?

Claire, I still have like two hours left, man!

-Dude, you have to listen to this.

The piano was playing by itself. I think it was her.

-Come on. I'll be down at 7:00.

I'll listen to it then.

-No, no. I'm scared.

-Okay, come in.

Shit.

-Uh, actually...

I'm okay.

-You sure?

Yeah. I think I just freaked out for a minute, but I'll --

I'll be fine.

-Okay, well, I'll be down in a few hours, alright?

-Okay.

Ugh!

-Do you mind keeping it down?

Do I have to ask you again?

-You know what? Just back off, okay?

You're asking me what I do the other day?

Well, I just recorded an unexplainable phenomenon.

There is a ghost in this hotel, and I got it on tape,

and it's a big deal, so just leave me alone!

-Come with me for a moment.

Here. sit.

You need a drink.

Cheers.

You alright?

-Mm-hmm.

-Tell me about what you saw.

-I...

-Look... I'm sorry about yesterday.

I have a tendency not to be a nice person. I know that.

Please don't take it personally.

I don't apologize more than once.

Look, I can help you with what you're looking for.

I just need to know what it is that you're looking for.

-I'm sorry. Help me with what?

-Do you know what this is?

It's a pendulum.

It's used to answer

life's more, uh, difficult questions.

Do you know why I'm here?

-You're speaking at an acting convention in Pottstown?

-No, I'm not here for acting.

I'm here as a guest at a healers gathering.

That's what I do now. It's my true calling.

Claire, everything in this world is connected.

Whether we understand that

or not depends on our sense of perception,

our willingness to communicate.

Now, you want to communicate with the spirits in this hotel,

I can help you do that.

I just need to know what it is that you want from them.

-I don't know. If -- If they're real,

the -- the ghosts.

-Spirits.

There is no real in this world, Claire.

It's all a state of being.

There are no beginnings. There are no ends.

There are no ghosts.

We're each divine beings

that incorporate one energy in the universe.

Like, uh, droplets of water in a vast ocean.

The universe has a plan for each and every one of us.

Now, I want you to ignore what your conscious mind tells you

and open yourself up.

Okay?

What is it that you want from these spirits?

-I want to know if it was Madeline O'Malley

playing the piano downstairs

and if she really is the spirit living in this hotel.

-Mnh-mnh. Ask again.

This time, close your eyes and really concentrate.

Open yourself up and really ask it.

Ask it directly.

-Are you the spirit of Madeline O'Malley?

Did you die in this hotel?

Was that you playing the piano?

-They won't say who they are.

-They?

-There are three of them.

-What do they want?

-Same thing you do.

-What?

-To live.

-But they're not alive.

-There was a terrible tragedy in this hotel.

Something about the basement, a-a mistake.

-Oh, it's her. It's Madeline.

That's where they -- That's where they hid her body.

-You mustn't go down into the basement.

-Why? Is that where she's trapped?

Is her spirit trapped in there?

-You can't save her. They tried to warn her.

They tried to help her.

-Who's "they"? What do they want?

What happened?

-I lost contact.

-Luke.

No towels.

Aah!

Luke!

-Okay.

That's it. I've had enough.

We're going back to your dad.

Okay?

-So, the angry mom leaves the hotel,

and the sharp-eyed viewer will recognize

that angry mom as Alison Bartlett,

who did 298 episodes as the lovable,

nurturing veterinarian on "Sesame Street."

She also had recurring roles on "The Sopranos,"

and to show how far she can stretch,

she was the alcoholic sister for seven seasons

on the FX series "Rescue Me."

The lifelong New York stage actress worked with Gary Sinise,

Mike Nichols, all the big theater directors.

And speaking of total pro acting jobs,

Kelly McGillis really nailed this role

of the retired actress-turned-psychic.

She even says something about how being a healer

is what she really is and she's not an actress.

And it's an interesting character,

because I've been around long enough to notice

that there are dozens of actresses just like this,

and a huge percentage of cases --

if you're the sexy girl in the tabloids, dating everybody,

starring in the hot roles,

you will become a religious mystic of some sort

when you're older.

I've interviewed at least -- Well, at least two of them

I have known personally,

Sally Kirkland and Shirley MacLaine.

Sally Kirkland is an actual minister.

But there are so many others.

Shirley MacLaine is famous for it --

New Age stuff, Eastern religions.

I think she's even into UFOs.

But they come from this long tradition

of beautiful women gone transcendental, metaphysical,

paranormal, whatever.

Greta Garbo was into mystic stuff.

Marilyn Monroe was into astrology

and spiritual writings.

Mae West was holding seances all the time.

She believed in the occult.

Elizabeth Taylor did Kabbalah.

I don't remember what Kabbalah is.

Jewish mysticism, I think.

Jayne Mansfield actually joined the Church of Satan,

Raquel Welch.

Anyway, there's some connection between being

the hottest girl in the movie

and the one who gets married seven times

and goes to all the red-carpet premieres.

There's a connection between being that woman and then,

in later life, becoming a minister

of the Seventh Occult Universe or whatever.

I talked about this last month when we showed

"Blood and Black Lace," and the star was Eva Bartok,

who was considered the most beautiful,

sexy, desirable woman in the world.

And then, if you look at her interviews late in her life,

she explains all her trauma and marriages

and personal struggles.

She explains it in the framework of occult beliefs

and esoteric wisdom

and says all that stuff had to happen to her.

She's the one who was forced to marry a Nazi officer

when she was 15 years old.

All that stuff had to happen

so she could complete her spiritual journey.

But this is the first time

I've seen anybody take that character type

and actually put it on screen.

That was an extremely complicated speech

that Leanne makes about the interconnectedness

of the universe,

but Kelly McGillis just really committed to it,

and that is actually kind of the crux of the movie.

We need that to get even close to understanding the ending.

So that's all I'm going to say about that.

But let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

Sex symbols who become spiritual gurus.

That happens, right?

-Probably, yes. -I'm not imagining that.

You think there's any connection between one thing

and the other thing?

-Maybe when you're the "hot girl" in Hollywood,

you see a lot of things that other people don't see.

So it gives you a different outlook.

-Right. Yeah. You see good and you see bad.

You get -- You're marketed as an object of lust.

That gets old.

So you start thinking, "Hmm. What's going on inside people?"

And so you go -- -Maybe. It's a theory.

-Carole Lombard scheduled everything by her horoscopes.

-Well, that's kind of mystical.

-Gloria Swanson was trying to reach "spiritual purification."

-That is very mystical.

-I was doing an award show in Dallas one time,

and they were honoring the cast of the TV series "Dallas."

And all the speakers kept talking about

what a wonderful woman

the late Barbara Bel Geddes had been,

the actress who played Miss Ellie.

And this award show went on and on and on.

It took hours.

And, so, when it was finally my turn to talk,

I said, "When this show started,

Barbara Bel Geddes was still alive."

Just a cheap joke, right?

-Oh. -Okay.

So, Shirley MacLaine was the next speaker after me,

and she said, "I just want you to know, Joe Bob,

that I just spoke to Barbara, and she is just fine."

So put me in my place in a very New Age way.

-Drink.

Don't worry about Gozer and her demon seed leaving.

You actually did us a favor.

Claire, you're really freaking me out.

You gotta pull it together.

You're way out in the weeds right now.

It happened to me

when I first started messing around with all this stuff.

You really got to be careful about what's going on up here.

You start thinking you're seeing things, and it might never stop.

-Okay, fine.

The dream is one thing, but what about the piano?

And what about everything that Lee said?

-I listened to the piano tape.

And I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe it's explainable. Maybe it isn't.

But it's not worth getting yourself worked up over.

None of this stuff is.

As for the kook upstairs...

Look, Claire,

how many times have you seen someone on late-night TV

hawking their psychic wares to an audience full of rubes?

Tons, right?

And how many times have you seen a psychic in the newspaper

solving crimes or healing someone without medicine

or winning the lottery?

Almost never, right?

That's because it's all bullshit.

It's hocus-pocus.

That woman upstairs is just an insecure old actress,

and she's just trying to stay relevant.

It's pathetic.

-Okay, don't --

don't you want to try and figure out what's going on here?

I mean, why aren't you more intrigued by this?

I mean, this could be it.

This could be Madeline trying to make contact,

and -- and you just don't even care.

Isn't this supposed to be your deal?

I...

I swear to God, if that bitch is back with her kid...

Be cool.

Can I help you, sir? -Yes.

I'd like a room for the night, please.

-Okay. Just one night?

-Yes. I'd like Room 353, please.

-Oh, I'm sorry, sir. That room's not available right now.

We only have rooms available on the second floor,

on account of this being our last weekend open.

-No, I must have Room 353.

-Yeah -- -Please.

This is very important to me.

I came a long way.

-Sir, um, all the rooms on the third floor have been stripped.

So if you don't mind bringing up some sheets

and sleeping in a room without furniture,

then I think we could help you out.

-That would be fine.

-Okay, well, if I could just get a

credit card for the reservation.

-I'll pay cash.

-Okay, but we usually need a credit card in case

there's any damages.

-Take this, please.

-Okay.

-Let's go get you some sheets.

-Some sheets.

Have a nice day.

-That was very kind of you, helping me out back there.

-Oh, it's no problem.

I mean, I figure, pretty soon, this whole place is gonna be

a parking lot anyway.

So if somebody wants a certain room, who am I to stop them?

It's really no big deal.

Sir?

-Oh. Thank you.

353 is where I spent my honeymoon.

-Oh.

-This old place holds some special memories for me.

And it's interesting

to come back to a place that feels like you never left.

Almost like you're right at home.

Don't you think?

-I don't know.

Why don't we get you upstairs.

So, like we said, the rooms have all been cleaned and stripped,

and most of the furniture and linens are in storage.

But lucky for you, the owner was too cheap to hire real movers,

so all the beds are still here.

The room might not have quite the same charm

that you remember, but at least you

won't be sleeping on the floor.

-That's alright.

I'm just here for one last bit of nostalgia.

-Okay, well, here we are.

Room 353.

The honeymoon suite.

And, uh, if you change your mind and decide

that you want to move to a room with TV, just let us know.

-Uh, that won't be necessary.

This is just what I came for.

Thank you so much. -Okay, well, have a great stay.

If I'm gonna stay up all night with you,

you're gonna get drunk with me.

-Cheers.

-How you feeling?

-Better. -Good.

Keep drinking. It always helps.

-Hi, Lee.

-Oh, hi. -How was your seminar?

-Very good, thank you. How are you two doing?

-Not bad.

-You want a beer? -Oh, no, thank you.

-Really? I heard you were a huge drinker.

-Well, we all have our moments.

-So, Lee, tell me, how does it all work?

-How does what work?

-You know, being a psychic and all that.

-Well, uh...

Have you ever been somewhere new and sworn

that you've been there before?

-Like déjà vu.

-Exactly.

Well, if you've ever experienced what you call a déjà vu,

then you have the same God-given ability I have.

In fact, we all do.

It's just that...

well, sometimes my déjà vus happen in another direction.

I can experience certain feelings before they happen,

but it's not always clear when or where they come from,

so I have to be very careful in what I choose to share.

-Okay.

Well...

I'm really tired,

so I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep.

It's been a long day.

-I'll come find you tomorrow before you leave...Lee.

-Don't let the spirits keep you up all night.

-Dude, you didn't need to say that.

That was really mean.

-Oh, whatever. You said it yourself.

She made you feel like an asshole.

Besides, everybody needs a taste

of their own medicine once in a while.

You want another one?

-Yeah.

-Alright. You ready?

-Yeah.

-Okay, this is Claire's haunted re-enactment.

Take one. Interior, The Yankee Pedophile.

W-Was that the piano?

What? Was it playing by itself?

It must be the ghost of Madeline O'Malley

trying to tell me something.

Show yourself, spirit.

I said, show yourself, spirit!

-Ooh!

Ooooh!

Ooooooh!

Ow! Oh!

-There she is. Poor, poor Madeline O'Malley.

You think she's prettier than me?

-Honestly? -Yeah.

-She's a little homely for my taste.

I think you're much prettier, Claire.

-Thank you. That's nice of you to say.

-In fact, Claire,

I think you're one of the prettiest girls I know.

-Who are the others?

-Uh, my mother, my sister, and,

uh, that girl that works at the Dairy Queen.

-The one with the lazy eye?

-I find laziness very attractive.

I really like you, Claire.

-I really like you, too.

-No, I mean it.

You're just, like, the coolest person.

Just -- I just really feel like we mesh.

You know, I love the fact that you support me with the website

and I just love the fact that you take me seriously.

It just means a lot.

You're great.

-Even if I'm going a little bit crazy?

-You're not going crazy. You're -- You're great.

I would do anything for you.

-Really?

-Absolutely. Just...

I like you so much.

-Hey, I have an idea.

-Me too. What's yours?

-Let's go to the basement

and find out what that fucking ghost's problem is.

-Okay.

-Well, that was pretty good drunk acting

and pretty good drunk writing,

where you say just a little bit too much

while you're under the influence.

Good rapport, though, between Claire and Luke.

Sara Paxton and Pat Healy.

And since this was a low-budget movie,

they had no rehearsal time.

They met for the first time

the night before the first day of shooting,

and then they worked together for 17 days straight.

Uh, the producer of the movie, by the way, was Larry Fessenden,

a past guest here on "The Last Drive-In."

We showed his debut movie, "Habit," on this show.

He has run a low-budget studio called Glass Eye Pix

in New York for many years.

And Ti West was an intern there

and then made his first three or four movies for Glass Eye Pix.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about

the old man who checks in to room 353.

First of all, room 353

is the most haunted room in the Yankee Pedlar.

Ti West didn't know that at the time he shot the movie.

He just chose it 'cause it was a little bit bigger

than the other rooms,

therefore it was better for the camera.

But that's George Riddle who checks in to 353.

Song-and-dance man, vaudevillian, comedian.

He was in "The Fantasticks."

He was in "Arthur" and "True Blood"

and several other movies.

Lived in Greenwich Village most of his life.

He just died in 2023.

Um, he played one of the inmates in the mental hospital

on "The Sopranos," if you remember that.

But if you really want to see his acting genius,

go look at his performances as Joad Cressbeckler,

the crusty old gold prospector turned presidential candidate

on the "Onion News Network."

That stuff is hysterical.

And I'm sure it was fun having him around the set

of "The Innkeepers" for a few days.

Kind of a legendary jokester and legendary storyteller.

All right.

The book-page title card has told us

that the chapter we're in is called "A Final Guest."

So I guess that's George.

Uh, Sarah wants to go to the basement.

Leanne says, "Whatever you do, don't go to the basement."

Reminiscent of the 1973 movie "Don't Look in the Basement,"

the debut film of Brownie Brownrigg,

who --

Nobody would know Brownie Brownrigg

unless you grew up in Texas.

But I'm sure this trip to the basement

will be superior to Brownie's trip to the basement

because every trip to the basement

has been better than the trip to the basement

in "Don't Look to the Basement."

"Don't Look in the Basement."

But, anyway, Ti West seems to be telling us

it's all gonna happen in the basement.

So...roll the film.

A slow burn leads to fire in the basement, Darcy.

Fire in the basement! -Does it...though?

-Ahh. "Don't Look in the Basement."

That was one we forgot to mention last month

when we did Don't Night.

Um, I still want to do a Don't marathon.

We just scratched the surface last month, you know?

And we'll call it "Don't Watch The Last Drive-In."

Because when you say "don't" do something in the title,

all the characters have to stupidly do it.

So our "Don't Watch The Last Drive-In" marathon

would feature "Don't Go in the Woods."

Well, we did "Don't Go in the Woods."

But "Don't Go in the House." "Don't Answer the Phone."

"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead."

-Ha! Yes. -"Don't Open Till Christmas,"

which we already showed, actually.

-We'll show it again. It's fine.

-There was that trailer in "Grindhouse"

just called "Don't."

-Yes.

-"Don't Be Afraid of the Dark."

You have any favorite Don't's?

-Uh, "Don't Drink the Devil's Blood."

-Is that an actual movie? -Mm-hmm.

-Never heard of that one. "Don't Look in the Attic."

"Don't Look in the Cellar."

I wonder if every room in the house has already been used.

I've never heard of a "Don't Look in the Kitchen."

"Don't Look in the Garage."

-Then I feel like we need to get busy and make our own.

-You want to star in "Don't Look in the Kitchen"?

-Sure.

-That's a good omen.

Turn the recorder on.

-What was that?

-I tripped. -Oh.

-Ah. -Sorry.

-It's just the light thing.

Just follow me. -Spiderweb.

-Follow me.

I'm starting to think we should've brought breadcrumbs.

-Hang on.

I hear something.

It's weird. There was static.

-I heard that, too, the other night.

-Must be a bad cable.

-No. It's her.

This way.

This is it.

This is where they hid her body.

Hm.

You ready?

We wish to speak to the spirit

of Madeline O'Malley.

if you are here with us, give us a sign.

Make a noise if you can hear us.

Why do you stay here, Madeline?

Why does your spirit never rest?

-Whoa.

-Madeline, give us a sign.

Did you feel that?

Ohh. It's her.

-That was wind. -No, she's with us right now.

Madeline, speak to us.

We wish you no harm.

Why do you stay here?

Why does your spirit never rest?

-Wait! No!

Madeline, we know that you're here with us right now.

Speak to us.

I can hear her.

Do you hear the whispering?

Madeline?

Holy shit.

-What?

-She's right behind you.

She's coming closer.

No!

-Luke!

Luke?!

-I gotta get out of here! -What?!

-I don't wanna be here anymore. I-I don't like this!

-What are you talking about?! We just made physical contact!

Why are you freaking out?!

-I just don't wanna be here anymore! That's it!

-Why? Was it different than the times you saw her?

-There were no other times! -What?!

I made it up.

I never saw anything.

I made it all up.

I don't want anything to do with this anymore.

This is just too fucked up!

I've gotta go.

Luke!

Luke, don't go! -I'm sorry, Claire.

-You can't leave me here! -I'm really sorry.

-What am I gonna do now?

-All right, before we go on, what's with the asthma inhaler?

What are they trying to tell us about the character

when they have one of those plastic thingies?

-That they are emotionally upset.

-Okay. I think you're right.

But you don't have to have asthma to be

emotionally upset. -And vulnerable.

-Yeah, I mean, the first time I remember ever seeing

one of those was in "The Goonies."

Who's the leader of The Goonies?

-Mikey. -Mikey.

And then since then, I have seen multiple inhalers in the movies.

Did we have an epidemic of asthma after 1985,

like "Nightmare on Elm Street 4"?

-Ooh, yeah. "Dream Master."

-You always know the name after the colon.

That's amazing, Darcy.

-Sheila has asthma.

-And uses that plastic inhaler.

But starting in the '90s, it's everywhere.

I mean, either a lot of people got asthma

or a lot of screenwriters got lazy.

-I vote for number two on that one.

-Anyway, as the cowardly Luke drives off into the sunset,

his rep as a ghost hunter shattered forever,

we haven't really talked much about the career of Ti West.

And what I like about Ti West --

I said this already

when I was hosting "The House of the Devil,"

is that he did not have rich parents

who sent him to NYU film school.

He went to the School of Visual Arts,

and then he interned for Larry Fessenden.

And he -- But he never stopped making movies.

He made shorts. He made TV shows.

He contributes to anthology films.

He made a Justin Timberlake music video.

He made a found-footage film, "The Sacrament."

But his real breakout didn't come until 2022

when he made the first of three movies with Mia Goth.

Three slashers -- "X," "Pearl," and "MaXXXine."

Um, if he gets hired for a big-budget, he does that.

If he doesn't, he makes a movie like "The Innkeepers."

But he never stops working.

And his first two movies -- I can say this now.

Now that he's a big star, I can say this.

His first two movies were not so good.

But he didn't stop. He kept at it.

"The Innkeepers" is what I would call a boutique movie.

It's something you do because you can, you know?

One location, small cast, crew of friends.

And we're gonna talk about the most controversial part

of the movie in a minute. That would be the ending.

But, um, right now let's get back to Claire's quandary.

She's all alone.

Something is definitely in the basement.

What does she do?

Roll it.

I think if something's in the basement

you got to go to the basement, right?

But anyway...

I would think the National Asthma Foundation

or whatever group, you know,

would step in at some point and say,

hey, you guys, stop sticking asthma inhalers in the movies

as a symbol for weak or nerdy or, you know --

You can have asthma and still kick ass.

I mean, they don't write characters

who are constantly doing insulin injections.

-Well, maybe they should.

-I think a whole lot more people have diabetes --

or, as Wilford Brimley says, diabeetus --

than, um, asthma.

You don't see movie stars shooting up insulin

in the middle of an action scene.

-No, you don't. -You use those inhalers

in the middle of every scene, you know?

If James Bond is diabetic, he does it

before the scene starts or after it's over.

He doesn't do insulin in the middle of the scene.

-That is an excellent point.

-Let's ask the Mutants. Why so many inhalers out there?

-I am sure they're gonna let us know what they think.

Lee.

Lee!

Lee.

Lee! Lee!

-Lee, wake up. I need your help. Help me. Hey.

Lee!

-What are you doing in my room?

Get out of here!

-No. No. Please, please, please.

-No, I will not help you.

Please go away.

-Come on!

Why should I help you?

So you can make fun of me some more?

You know, I believe in what I do,

and I don't believe in wasting my time

on lowly hotel employees

and their insulting ignorance.

-Lee, I'm sorry, okay?

I should've defended you downstairs,

and I made a really big mistake, okay?

But I have a problem. I'm scared and I'm alone,

And Madeline made contact with me

And I don't know what else to do, okay?!

I don't know what else to do!

Is there any more vodka over there?

-Let me check.

Yeah, yeah, there's one.

Okay.

Take me to where it happened.

-Wait here.

Lee! Was it Madeline? Did you see her?!

Lee, what happened?!

-We must get out of this hotel.

You're in grave danger. You can't stay here any longer.

-What?! -I have to go get dressed.

Go get your things. Trust me.

Oh, no.

Lee! I forgot something! I'll meet you in the lobby!

Sir!

Sir?

S-Sir, I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you,

but there's been an emergency

and I have to leave the hotel for a little bit.

Sir, can you hear me in there?

Sir?

Oh! Shit! Luke! What are you doing here?!

-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you like that.

Please don't be mad at me. -No, no, no! Listen!

We need to get out of here right now! -No, no, no, Claire.

I have to tell you something. -No! Listen to me! Okay?

Remember the old man upstairs? -Yeah, yeah, so what?

-He's dead! He killed himself! He's dead!

-What? -Yeah. He's dead.

-Did you call the police? -No, not yet.

And Lee -- Lee said it's not safe to be here anymore

and that we need to leave right now, and I saw Madeline! She's gonna get me!

-Okay, wait, wait, wait a second! Hold on, hold on!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come here. Jesus Christ.

Come on. Sit here.

-It's all right.

I -- His --

His face. There was blood everywhere!

-It's okay.

-Please, please, please, just get me out of here.

I don't want to be here anymore. Please.

-All right. Okay. Come on. Let's go.

-Lee -- she's still upstairs. -Where is she?

-I don't -- I don't know. She's getting her things.

-All right. I'll go get her, and you just stay put for a second.

Are you gonna be all right down here for a minute?

-Yeah. -It's fine. It's gonna be okay.

Just hold on.

Woman's voice: Claire.

Claire.

-Lee? is that you?

-Claire.

Lee?

Lee?

Lee?

I don't want to go back down there.

Are you down there?

Somebody help me!

Please!

Please help me!

Please! Please help me!

Please! Please help! Help me!

Please! Please! Please!

Please! Please!

No! No!

All right, guys.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

Ah! Jesus.

All right. Get her out of here.

-I was banging on the door as hard as I could.

I could hear her screaming.

I was screaming for her to open up,

but, uh, she wouldn't.

She called my name,

but I wasn't strong enough to break it down.

-This was at the bottom of the stairs.

-All right. Listen. I'm gonna need you to come with us,

answer some questions about the gentlemen upstairs

and help get in contact with her family.

Can you do that?

-Yeah, I just gotta get my stuff.

-Okay. You think you can tell the actress

to hurry up while you're in there?

We need her, too.

-Yeah. -Oh, listen, uh...

Are you sure you gave me all the names and numbers

of the other guests?

Nobody you might be forgetting?

-No, I gave you everything.

There was just that other woman and her kid

and Ron, the owner,

but he doesn't get back from Barbados till tomorrow.

-All right. Thanks.

-What are you doing in here?

They're looking for you downstairs. I said I'd find you.

We have to go to the police station now

to answer some more questions.

Did you hear me?

I said we have to go!

You knew this was gonna happen, didn't you?

You could've done something.

-No.

There's nothing anyone could have done.

They're looking for you downstairs.

-Okay. Creepy ending.

But not entirely satisfying

if you ask the audiences judging this movie back in 2011.

What do you think, Darcy?

-Oh, boy.

Well, I'm not really a slow-burn kind of girl,

but it was really well done.

They were all really good in it. The actors. Whatever.

The set looks amazing. But it's just not my personal taste.

I know a lot of people are going to love it.

I'm happy for them, but I just --

I really want real ghosts. I want blood.

I want death. Not the slow-burn shit.

But anyway...it's good. -All right, what do you --

What do you think happens at the end of the movie?

-I feel like, honestly, she just freaked herself out

and died of an asthma attack.

-And so there was no ghost.

-I want to think the ghost was real.

I really want to. But I don't think it actually hurt her.

She just freaked out because it existed.

-And they added in that old-man ghost, too.

Like, everybody who dies in that hotel

ends up in the basement freaking people out.

Because there were apparently two others.

-Two other ghosts? -Yeah.

Because when Leanne first made contact with the other side,

remember that scene?

She said, "There are three of them."

And then the old man makes four.

So there are four ghosts rootin' around in the basement.

-Part of the reason I don't love ghost stories

is that the ghosts very often don't actually do anything.

They're just there to, like, look scary.

And if you don't -- if you don't freak out over them,

then, like, what harm are they causing?

Just live with them.

-But I think you could also make an argument

that there aren't -- there aren't any ghosts at all.

We're seeing everything through her mind.

And she's alone. She's nervous. She's easily spooked.

She's possibly depressed. She's seeking approval.

So she wants the ghosts to be real.

She trips on those darkened stairs, splatters her skull.

Because whatever the cop saw under that sheet made him sick.

-Yeah, that makes sense. So it's open-ended.

-Yep.

-Could go either way. -Yep.

-I freaking hate that so much. I'm so sorry. Unh!

-Well, apparently the audience wasn't too crazy about it, either,

because the theatrical release was virtually nothing --

about $78,000 box office from 20 theaters.

But it might have made its budget back

in video on demand

and international sales and all that other stuff.

But the budget was $750,000, which seems kind of high

for a one-location, small-cast ghost story.

The ghost was real, actually.

-Well, now you're sure that the ghost --

-I am sure of it. -You're sure that the ghost was real?

-I have come up with proof. -Okay.

-The hotel is empty at the end,

but then someone slams the door of room 353.

-So it has to be Madeline. -Exactly. Yes.

-All right, Detective Darcy.

Would have been a better ending --

In my opinion, would have been a better ending

if Vincent Price walked out of room 353,

manipulating a giant puppet of Madeline

on strings and pulleys.

-Well, of course it would.

We could only dream for that one.

-All right. So that's it for Haunted House Night.

-Oh, wait. No. No, no, no. We have Mailbag. Sorry.

-Oh. Okay.

-It's a cute fan letter from

Megan Lamison of Escondido, California.

-San Diego Safari Park! Escondido.

Okay.

-That's where the San Diego Safari Park is.

Everybody goes to San Diego Zoo,

but the real action is in Escondido at the Safari Park.

-Well, we appreciate that information.

It's not just lions and tigers and zebras

and giraffes and elephants, you know, all the usual stuff.

They have Mongolian wild horses at that place.

-That is amazing.

-Meerkats. Mongooses.

Or is it mongeese? Is the plural of mongoose...

-You know, it's where Megan is.

-All right. -Okay.

-Okay. "Hello!

I've been a huge fan of 'The Last Drive-In'

and always look forward to my 'Last Drive-In' movie nights.

-Yay! -I currently am nine months pregnant

and have been in the trenches with insomnia.

The one good thing about insomnia

is I get a chance to watch more of 'The Last Drive-In.'

The only issue now is that as soon as I turn it on, I fall asleep."

You said this was a fan letter!

-It is.

-She uses our show as a sleep aid!

-Just keep reading, man.

-"I'm happy to get some sleep

but sad that I keep missing out on my Joe Bob.

I was trying to figure out why it keeps happening,

and I realized that you and Darcy

offer me a lot of comfort in this time of transition.

-See? -I'm feeling a lot of emotions

regarding my first baby

and realize you both just feel like home when I watch you.

Thank you for providing me with this comfort.

Watching your show feels like home.

Thank you for all you do.

I'm so happy The Drive-In will never die.

Happy face.

Megan Lamison, Escondido, California."

Okay, this is sweet, but now I feel like

we're responsible for the welfare of that baby.

This was obviously written a while back,

so we're going to check up on Baby Lamison.

And thank you, Megan, for sharing.

And now that you're up and around again,

um, speaking of pregnancy,

you should check out those rhinos

right there in your backyard

because those vets at the safari park are amazing.

They're gonna create some northern white rhino babies.

Even though all the northern white rhino males are dead.

They're extinct.

And the only two northern white rhino females

who live in Kenya are not fertile.

But those females do make eggs,

so they're scraping those baby eggs

out of the female rhinos in Kenya,

and then they have all this sperm

that they preserved from the last two rhino males,

Suni and Sudan, which were at that San Diego Safari Park,

and they're making embryos that can be implanted

into southern white rhinos.

So a southern white rhino female

can give birth to a northern white rhino

because the southern white rhino is just a surrogate.

You following this, Darcy?

Oh, God, no.

-All right.

The only viable embryos come from the sperm...

-They keep continuing.

-...of the northern white rhino named Suni.

-Yes. -The other one had bad sperm.

Suni lived at the San Diego Safari Park

and died in 2014,

so Suni is preserving his species

from the rhino graveyard.

Is that some awesome sauce or what?

-That is actually. I got that part.

-And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs,

and for the mortified Darcy the Mail Girl

as we remind you... -Entertained.

-...sometimes you meet someone new

and you know from the first moment

that you want to spend your whole life without them.

Amen.

-But The Drive-In will never die.

I just found out the company that manufactures yardsticks

won't be making them any longer.

-Why?

-Oh. Oh, man.

That was stupid of me, actually.

-What did the cannibal choose as his last meal?

Five Guys.

-That was cute. It was cute.

-People call me self-centered.

-Yes. -But that's enough about them.

-Ha! -Was that a joke?

-That was too accurate.

-Okay, okay. Real joke, real joke.

Um...

Contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

reaches the final question.

Is that show still on? This is an old joke.

Is that show still on?

-They do charity versions of it with celebrities.

-Okay. -So it counts.

-So the contestant has to answer one last question

to win the million dollars, but if she gets it wrong,

she's only gonna pocket $32,000.

And she knows it won't be a pushover question.

But this is the question.

Which of the following species of birds

does not build its own nest

but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it, "A," the condor, "B," the buzzard,

"C," the cuckoo, or, "D," the vulture?

So the woman has no idea what the answer is.

She has used up two of her lifelines.

The only lifeline left is Phone-a-Friend.

Well, she don't want to use Phone-a-Friend

because her friend is Jenny and Jenny's a blonde.

-You just love your blonde jokes, man.

-Yes. Yes. So she's desperate. -Okay.

-She has no alternative. She calls her blonde friend.

She gives her the four choices.

Jenny responds immediately.

"That's easy. The answer is, 'C,' the cuckoo."

So the woman has to make a decision and make it fast.

She considers a reverse strategy.

Give any answer except the one given by her blonde friend.

But she would still have to choose

among three possible answers.

And her blonde friend had responded

with such confidence and immediacy

that she felt she must know something.

So the host says, "I need an answer."

Contestant crosses her fingers and says, "'C', the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"That's my final answer."

Host says, "Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!"

Okay, so three days later, the contestant hosts a party

for her family and friends

to celebrate the victory and her million dollars.

And she includes, of course, the blonde friend that she called.

She hugs Jenny and she says,

"I don't know how to thank you enough.

How did you know the right answer?"

And Jenny says, "Oh, come on.

Everybody knows cuckoos don't build nests.

They live in clocks."

-Jesus.

-That was such a long journey.

-I went a long way for that joke!

-Yes, you did! -It was a slow burn!

-Perhaps -- Slow burn! -Slow burn.

-And we do not like slow burns around here.

-All right. No payoff. All right.

-♪ We are Drive-In Mutants -♪ Drive-In Mutants

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

-♪ Other people ♪

-♪ We are sick, we are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in, yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter -♪ Vomit meter ♪

-♪ We'd be off the scale -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke -♪ Boogie 'til we puke ♪

-♪ The Drive-In will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke -♪ Boogie 'til we puke ♪

-♪ The Drive-In will never die, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.