Original subtitles

♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Well, Darcy the duckling,

how many New Year's resolutions have you failed

to accomplish so far?

-I don't really do resolutions.

-I'm glad you said don't, though, because this is

"Don't Night" on "The Last Drive-In," the night

when we honor that much-maligned subgenre, the "don't" movie.

What's the most famous "don't" movie?

-"Don't Answer the Phone"?

-You're probably right.

"Don't Answer the Phone" because it was so controversial.

That's one of those movies that Roger Ebert went after it.

I think the phrase he used was "despicable garbage."

And Leonard Maltin went after it.

He said it was sick.

And feminist groups protested against it.

They said that kills of the women were filmed in a way

that was supposed to turn men on.

Um, anyway,

we don't have the rights to "Don't Answer the Phone."

So, that's moot.

The reason we're doing "don't" movies

is that New Year's resolutions are almost always "don't" stuff.

The top four are don't eat so much, don't smoke,

don't drink so much, and get more exercise,

which could be categorized as don't be so lazy, right?

But the "don't" movies were mostly about stuff

that could kill you if you do it.

Or the titles promised

that somebody would do something normal that we do every day,

but then he would be killed for doing that thing,

which is irresistible.

Like, "Don't open that door."

Was there a movie called "Don't Open That Door"?

I think.

-Um, "Don't Open the Door"?

-"Don't Open the Door."

Yeah, well, we don't have that one, either.

So, what were some of the other "don't" movies?

-Uh, "Don't Open the Window."

"Don't Go in the House." "Don't Go Near the Park."

"Don't Go to Sleep." "Don't Go in the Basement."

-Do we have any of those? -No, no.

-We showed that Mexican film in English,

"Don't Panic." Remember that? -I do.

-So, we've already shown one "don't" movie.

-"Don't Breathe." -"Don't Breathe."

-That didn't really count because that's like big budget,

you know?

-It still counts.

-Oh, yeah, I guess it counts.

But the cycle of classic "don't" movies happened in the '70s.

And we have two of those tonight.

Our second movie tonight,

I'm kind of embarrassed to say, is "Don't Go in the Woods"

from 1981.

It was apparently made

by a crack-cocaine-addiction support group on the weekends,

the weekends they were allowed to leave the rehab facility.

But the movie we're going to watch right now

is one of the greatest giallo films ever made

and some people say the greatest Lucio Fulci film.

And that is, of course, "Don't Torture a Duckling."

The original title was "Don't Torture Donald Duck,"

but Disney didn't really like that title.

-Weird!

-They didn't really like the idea of people thinking

it was a Donald Duck movie

and buying tickets to a movie about a serial child killer.

At any rate,

I have a nominee for a new New Year's resolution.

This is something

I think every American should resolve to do in 2026.

-All right, go for it.

-I'm going to put it in "don't" form.

-Okay.

-Don't say things are un-American.

Don't use that word.

Eliminate the word "un-American" from our vocabulary.

-Okay. Why? -Because it splits us up.

It splits us into people who are...

You know, there's this part of the people

who are the "real" America versus the people

who don't know what America is.

"So, we don't have to listen to you," you know?

"Oh, you believe that? That's un-American.

You do that? Un-American."

Look, there are 346 million Americans.

Their behavior and beliefs cover all possible categories.

So, you can't say, "Well, your head is not screwed on straight.

You are no longer an American," you know?

Actually, didn't they just threaten to do that to somebody?

Rosie O'Donnell, they just threatened to do that.

-I think they did, yeah.

-They threatened to take her citizenship away,

which would be a first, I think,

in the whole history of the country.

"You are now stateless, Rosie."

But at least for the first 250 years --

maybe it's different this year --

but for the first 250 years of America,

you have not been able to take somebody's citizenship away

because you thought they didn't have

their head screwed on straight.

So, whatever you are -- left, right, Democrat, Republican,

red state, blue state, Christian, Jew, Muslim,

Buddhist, atheist, Red Sox fan, White Sox fan,

flat-earther, gay, straight, trans, punk rocker,

Taylor Swift fan, Taylor Swift hater,

right-to-lifer, choice advocate,

migrant supporter,

libertarian, free-enterprise absolutist, drag queen,

flag burner, vaccine supporter, anti-vax believer,

police officer, inmate, drive-in mutant,

Hallmark channel addict, stamp collector, AR-15 owner,

college graduate, middle school dropout,

business leader, factory worker,

treehugger climate-change denier, porn star,

homeless poet living under a bridge.

Whatever you are, you are American!

And that means whatever you have to say, we have to listen.

Everybody gets to speak.

So, the only thing that's un-American

is the word "un-American."

-Well, that was unexpected.

-Don't say "un-American." That's my resolution.

-It's a good one.

And now we're going to watch the great "don't" classic,

"Don't Torture a Duckling,"

because I think we can all agree we should not torture ducklings.

-We should not.

-And if we do, we should be punished for it.

Did you ever get a baby duck for Easter?

-No. -Or a baby chick?

-No-o-o!

-Why do you say, "no-o-o" that way?

-I feel like it's weird to give little, baby animals

as just random presents.

So, no. -Yeah.

They actually have laws now in some places

that you can't sell pastel- colored baby ducks or chicks.

-I feel like they should have those laws.

-And I don't think it's about the coloring.

I don't think the duck gets traumatized because it's pink.

Right?

-I mean, maybe it is actually torturing a duckling.

-Okay. -Just saying.

I'm not familiar with the process of how you color a duck.

Maybe it does.

-They are beautiful just as they are.

Just leave them alone.

-Okay. -That's my stance.

-Well, we should state in advance that

no actual ducklings are tortured in the course of this movie.

-Yay!

-But human beings are flayed, gored, whipped,

mutilated, and hacked up.

-Yay!

-All right, "Don't Torture a Duckling"

was made during the animal-name period of the giallo film,

When Dario Argento made "The Bird with the Crystal Plumage,"

in 1970, and that became an international sensation,

all the Italian filmmakers started putting animal names

on all their giallo films.

Actually, this was Lucio Fulci's second giallo of that period.

The year before this, he made "A Lizard in a Woman's Skin,"

and these odd names were really just used as signifiers for fun.

This is going to be a mystery thriller that's fun.

And it is.

And it's also brutal.

"Don't Torture a Duckling" is the sensitive story

of a free-spirited woman exiled to a small-town Italy

to recover from a drug-and-sex scandal,

plus, a newspaper reporter from Milan

who goes to small-town Italy

to find out who's killing all the young boys,

plus, a voodoo witch

who lives up on the rocky ledge with her hermit warlock mentor,

plus, a priest who coaches soccer,

plus, a chorus of redneck locals who want vigilante justice,

an old-fashioned village idiot

who has trouble making ends meet,

and a whole bunch of clueless police officials

enslaved by logic.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with Barbara Bouchet going

full frontal to tease a 12-year-old boy

and not getting censored for pedophilia?

I think not!

So, let's take a look at those "Drive-In" totals

and get started.

We have six dead bodies,

three breasts, bloody beatdown with heavy chains,

suffocation, slow-motion cliff plunge,

multiple vigilante mobs, cemetery-gate finger smashing,

Peeping-Tom mocking, infant skeletal remains,

child smoking, decapitated Donald Duck,

gratuitous gas-mileage computation,

hooker fu, voodoo fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Ugo D'Alessio

as the police captain for saying,

"A little truth goes a long way in this town."

Barbara Bouchet as the dune- buggy-driving society girl

who says, "Are you upset seeing a naked female?"

Tomas Milian as the newspaper reporter who says,

"In my opinion, you're crazy."

Florinda Bolkan as the voodoo priestess

who says, "I'll break you."

Marc Porel as the soccer coach/priest

who says, "No one ever asked if the culprit is

our would-be liberalism."

Riz Ortolani, the composer,

for one of the strangest scores ever written for a horror film,

and Lucio Fulci, the director and co-writer

for trying every genre

until he created this masterpiece at the age of 45.

Four stars. Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

It's very odd for an Italian giallo

to be "A," filmed in Italy.

They usually preferred Germany or Greece

or the United States.

"B," filmed in a small town in the south of Italy,

where the rednecks live.

You know, giallos are usually in Rome or London

or Berlin, in fashion salons or opera houses

or high-society places,

and "C," about children, who Fulci described as "Monsters,

alien creatures with their reality

that doesn't intersect with the reality of grown-ups."

So, it's a giallo that breaks all the rules

of what a giallo is supposed to be.

-And it's beautiful.

-It is beautiful.

And that Riz Ortolani score helps a lot.

It reminds me of the opening credits to "Cannibal Holocaust,"

also scored by Riz Ortolani,

or that song "More" that Ortolani wrote for "Mondo Cane,"

and it became a hit for Frank Sinatra.

So, his thing was he loved to do lush,

orchestral romantic music for cannibalism, murder,

and freaky, gory shock cinema.

-I love that.

-Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women.

And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

-Thank you, Father.

-Blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now

and at the hour of our death.

-Bruno? Bruno?

Come on.

-Not to laugh.

He's got a bad case of the hots for this chick.

-I can't see you anymore, Armand.

-Listen. It's on the rocks.

-They're coming. They're coming!

-I want half. -Here.

-Powerful. What are they? -Gauloises.

-How come Tonino's not here?

-Don't worry. He knows where to find us.

-He's always late.

-Michele? Bruno? -Huh?

-They're coming. They're coming!

I saw the car!

I saw. They're coming.

-What are they like?

-They're real whoppers.

They've got huge tits like watermelons and huge rears.

-What are we waiting for? -Come on!

Give me a drag. -It's strong. It's Gauloises.

-Did you bring the money?

-Don't panic, I got it. Give me the cigarette back.

-Up yours!

If my father and you and I can talk about things,

won't you come and...

-He's taking her home to Papa. It's going to be a threesome.

-Oh, Rosie, you kill me.

-How you do? I do fine, hon.

-You got a preference? Doesn't matter at all. Come on.

-Hey, Maria. -It's all right by me.

-It's getting better. -Give me that.

-Tell me what he says. -I got to get me one of those.

-Tell me what he says. It's hard to understand.

-I can't hear. I'm listening.

-I remember a movie on the same subject.

She dies of cholera.

-Can't you get any music on those things,

or do you only get certain stations?

-I always cry at movies.

Television doesn't affect me that way, though.

-You got television, too?

-Why, sure. What the hell? I used to work in Rimini.

I bought this television, but I worked nights.

Oh!

-Scram, Giuseppe. -How about that?

-Get out of here!

Don't worry about him. He's a dimwit.

-That's why I'm worried. He grabbed me like he knew me.

-He's a village idiot.

-We can forget the past. We don't have to live in Paris.

We can go south to Nice, just the two of us.

-Forget the party...

-Let's make this one a quickie, huh, guys?

-What do you mean a quickie? -You know what she means.

Last time you took an hour.

-Maybe we could turn off the radio.

-No. I'm listening. Just a minute.

-I'm not asking you to change.

- No money, no peeking. - Get the picture?

-Don't press me, Armand.

You're just a silly, charming boy.

What possible future is there for us?

-Don't say that, Marguerite.

-Come on.

-I have to. I love you.

-These things never last, my dear.

They flame up like...

-Giuseppe?

-They blaze and sparkle and then are gone,

Consumed by passion...

-You want to see something magic?

Then watch the birdie disappear.

-I'm not saying this to hurt you...

-Ready?

-...but because I want to save you from hurt.

Believe me.

-Peeping Tom, Peeping Tom, we know what you're watching!

We know what you're watching!

Peeping Tom, Peeping Tom.

-Hey, Giuseppe?

-Giuseppe's a big baby!

Giuseppe's a big baby! Giuseppe's a big baby!

-You dirty boys! Get out of here! Oh!

-Come and get us, you moron!

-He can't even walk straight.

-He can't get us! -I'll get you! come back!

Come back here!

I'll get you. All of you! And when I do, I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

-Hello, Ma.

-Pick up your jacket. -Aw!

-It's about time you found your way home, Michele.

Wash your hands,

then take this orange juice up to Miss Patrizia.

She's in her room, lying down. Hm.

She's tired. Poor thing.

Your father's always off with his cronies,

and you, heaven knows where you go.

-Tomorrow happens to be Sunday.

-Does it now?

It may be Sunday for you,

but for me, it's just another work day.

Ironing, sewing, cooking and cleaning...

You'd think I was paid by the hour.

Nobody around here thinks of me.

Running away?

-I put your orangeade on the table.

-Oh, Michele, bring the tray here.

Come on. I won't bite you.

-I'm coming. I don't want to spill it.

-Oh, yes? Well?

Look at me. Go on.

I won't hurt you.

Oh!

Are you upset seeing a nude female?

Well...no.

-I didn't think so. How many girls have you had?

Hmm?

-I don't know. Lots.

-You liar!

If you'd said one or two, I might have believed you.

Ah, but "lots" is not true. You're just full of shit.

Would you like to go to bed with me?

I said, would you like to go to bed with me?

-Yeah.

I bet you would.

-Michele? Michele?

You up there?

Michele?! -Coming!

-Michele?!

-Mom! I said I'm coming!

-Well, come on!

-Go! Obey your mama.

-Aah!

-What in God's name is the matter with you tonight?

Shut up!

-Oh! No.

Oh, no. Aah!

-The search for little Bruno LoCascio

continued throughout all of yesterday, comma,

as it had for the three previous days

since he disappeared.

-This is all we needed.

Kids wander off. And who gets blamed for it?

We do, as usual.

-Police have widened their field

to include mountainous areas around Accendura, period.

Over a hundred policemen and highway troops

are engaged in the search, period.

We have new information from the boy's father.

Yes, the boy's father.

An anonymous telephone call, comma, made in Accendura,

was received last night close to midnight.

Yes. The unknown caller asked for a large amount.

What? I can't tell you.

Yes.

The authorities are maintaining a blackout over the story,

hoping for some word of the kidnappers.

Yeah, that's the whole story.

-Stop! Hold it!

-Press! -I'm sorry, gentlemen.

The commissioner won't allow anyone beyond here.

-We understand. -It doesn't matter.

-Thank you, sir. -Just keep your shirts on.

Looks like I got to play tricks on these guys.

-But I can't lay my hands on money like that.

The whole town knows it. It's never been very easy.

-We managed to buy a piece of land.

We haven't anything else. No money in the bank.

-We might as well go back to headquarters.

-You're quite certain you have no enemies?

-You can be sure. There's no one.

We're respected by the whole town.

The motive was money, nothing else.

That's all he said. 6 million in 100,000-lire notes.

-Where were you told to take the money?

-We must take it to the old warehouse, he said.

He told me to bring it tomorrow night.

When I got there, I was to hide the cash in the fourth furnace.

But I can't get hold of 6 million lire.

-In cash.

Naturally.

It would have to be cash.

But did you say that, or did the man request it by telephone?

-No, no. By telephone. He said he wanted...

He wanted it all in cash.

-All in cash?

-Yes.

-I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but think about it a moment.

This caller sounds quite crazy, at least according to Locascio.

-Yes, that's evident,

to stipulate something which is so very obvious.

-Right. -Excuse me. Who are you?

-Andre Martelli, The Standard of Milan.

-Just a minute. -Pleasure.

You haven't got a pass. How did you get in?

-There's a window open in there.

-Look, I know you've pointed out something

rather interesting,

but I think you better run along now.

-Very well. So long. Commissioner.

-No, not the window. Please, sir.

Out this way.

-Oh, certainly. I'm sorry.

Be seeing you.

-Goodbye.

-Well, Locascio?

-He said...I mustn't say a word to anybody about all this.

Then he said if I inform the authorities, he'd murder my son.

-He'll murder Bruno!

Unless the money is all paid, he's going to.

Oh, God, why?!

You can save him, can't you?

-I'm not completely sure we can.

-Don't fire, men.

Don't let him get away! Stop him!

-Hold still!

I happened to put my hand in just by accident.

-By accident?

-Well, I've been using that furnace as a hiding place.

I used to keep things there.

Barra, you're lying. Tell me the truth.

-Why should I be lying? I don't know anything.

This Bruno Locascio wasn't anyone I knew.

-What do you mean "wasn't"?

Is it because you know he's dead?

That's what you mean, isn't it?

Isn't it?!

You murdered him, didn't you?

Confess it!

-No, I didn't.

-The kid was only 12, and you kidnapped him!

Why not confess it?! Tell me the honest truth!

I'm not a killer.

I don't know nothing.

God! I'm innocent. I didn't kill him.

-Yes? Who is it?

Oh, yes. It's for a spot check.

I want you to listen to a voice.

Say a few words.

-What?

-Anything you like. You can count, can't you?

Go ahead. One, two, three...

Move it!

One, two...

No! I'm innocent! I didn't do it!

I didn't kill anyone! Don't hurt me!

I didn't do it!

-Well, what about it? Uh-huh.

Are you sure? Thanks for the information.

-Hmm?

-Locascio. He's sure that's the voice.

-Giuseppe's a big baby!

-My son!

Killer!

Killer! Bruno! My son!

-We'd better get Barra out of here.

We can take him to Foggia today.

-Yes, sir. Modesti?

-I didn't do it!

He was already dead! I only buried him!

-Take a few extra men with you.

-He was already dead!

-Captain, has he confessed?

I'm Martelli. Remember?

-Yes, I do. Sorry, I can't talk now.

-I just buried him! He was already dead!

I swear, before the altar of God, he was dead!

-Did you hear what the man said?

The boy had already been killed.

-What do you think? The guy's an imbecile.

You said he was crazy. Remember?

-Okay, first-timers watching this movie,

before you even ask me, that is Barbara Bouchet

in the full-frontal-nude scene,

when 12-year-old Michele brings her the orange juice.

Now, I doubt if anyone who watches this film

ever forgets that scene,

and it goes to the heart of something

I wanted to talk about,

which is why Italian giallo directors were so obsessed

with set pieces.

They would spend three,

four, five days sometimes on these set pieces

that were the most original parts of their stories.

And they cared more about that than plot.

And one reason for that is that in the heyday

of the Italian cinema, the years after World War II,

people in Italy used movie theaters

as kind of a social-gathering place.

They would go there two or three times a week,

and the theaters would have this low hum of whispering

and talking, and occasionally

the low hum would stop, and the theater would go silent

because there would be an especially arresting set piece.

So, the set piece was a way

to capture the attention of an audience

that's doing other things.

It's actually one of the reasons

that Italian movies did so well at American drive-ins,

because drive-ins were the same way.

You're in your car, you're talking to the family,

you're talking to friends.

You're walking back and forth to the concession stand,

and you're occasionally transfixed

by something on the screen.

So, in this case, it was one

of the most photogenic models and actresses who ever lived.

Barbara Bouchet was born in 1944, in the Sudetenland.

That's the ethnic-German part of Czechoslovakia

that was given to Hitler in 1938 to make him happy.

But what it really did

was just make him hungry to get more stuff.

So, it's the city of Liberec today is where she was born.

Her father was a war photographer,

and the family was ethnic German,

so they were forced to leave the country after the war.

And so her early years were spent in a resettlement camp,

until the family was able to move in 1956 to San Francisco,

and that's where she became known as the cutie

with the perfect body.

And when she was 15 years old,

she won the Miss Gidget beauty contest,

which included a date with James Darren, the star of "Gidget."

And then she became a featured dancer

on a weekly rock 'n' roll show. And as a teen model,

she was on the cover of 35 magazines.

And since she had no qualms about getting naked,

she broke into the movies by showing off her figure,

just as nudity was becoming legal and plentiful

in the mid- to late '60s.

She wore those silk-harem robe things that were semi-nude

in "John Goldfarb, Please Come Home,"

which was a big movie at the time.

She was nude on the beaches of Pearl Harbor in "In Harm's way."

She was wearing a bikini for most of her role

in "Agent for H.A.R.M.,"

which was "A Man from U.N.C.L.E." spoof.

She was Ursula in Bob Fosse's "Sweet Charity."

She was the sexiest Miss Moneypenny ever

in "Casino Royale."

She did dozens of TV guest spots as the hot walk-on girl.

She was the mistress of Richard Johnson

in the British spy film "Danger Route."

She moved to Italy in 1970, two years before this film,

and that just heightened her reputation as the sexy beauty

in a lot of Italian sex comedies,

in these giallos and crime thrillers.

And, in fact, 1972 was the best year of her career.

She made eight films that year.

And many think this film that we're watching

is the best performance of her life.

But it's not the only time

she was given an edgy acting role by the Italian directors.

She was the prostitute Francine in "The French Sex Murders,"

the gangster's moll in "Rico," the stripper in "Death Rage."

She starred in the sex-games thriller "Amuck!"

and in "Cry of a Prostitute,"

she was repeatedly brutalized by hit man Henry Silva,

but she liked it.

Anyway, that's Barbara Bouchet, who, by the way,

was in one of the "don't" movies, "Don't Commit Adultery,"

in which she makes a priest forget his vows,

if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So, here we have a movie about a child killer.

And I just spent ten minutes talking about Barbara Bouchet,

so...

-She deserves the attention.

-And, by the way,

the reason the police are puzzled about the ransom

is that 6 million lire would have been about $10,000.

So, too much for Bruno's family,

but not much for a professional kidnapper,

although I've seen episodes of "Forensic Files"

where the hit man does the job for $5,000,

You know? So, I guess it's possible.

Anyway, one reason these movies are so bold

and sometimes shocking,

and they have those bright colors

and the lush cinematography and a lot of symbolism,

like that opening shot of that modern superhighway cutting

across the southern-Italy countryside like a knife wound?

You know, the reason they did that

is that they were working against these beehives

of activity, the Italian cinema,

as a neighborhood gathering place.

In 1972,

there were about 17,000 movie screens in the United States,

more than any other country.

But you know, what country was number two?

-Italy.

-How'd you know that? -Lucky guess.

-Yes. 9,300 screens in Italy,

3,000 more than the number-three country, which is France.

The Italians were all movie nerds.

-And that's why we love them.

-They are shouting for the killer of that boy,

and we have got to find him before they do.

-Commissioner, you mean you believe that Barra

might have been telling the truth after all?

The record states that Barra signed a confession,

though it is full of contradictions.

-I know. The contradictions are simply evidence

that Barra is slightly mentally deficient.

You've known him for some time, Captain?

-Yes, I already told you.

I've never known the man to harm a soul.

-He found the Locascio boy murdered

and buried the child's body,

intending to call the father and try to extract a little money.

The inspiration of an imbecile.

-Yes.

And the small ransom requested,

6 million lire, confirms in the main your hypothesis.

-Aaahhhh! Aah!

-The boy wasn't molested this time, either.

-Make a statement to the press.

We can put a stop to the rumors that the crimes were sexual.

-The only variations we've found between the two bodies

was the contusion on the neck of the first victim.

-Yes. The killer stunned him before killing him.

-But remember that the boy was strangled.

He could have been beaten to death.

Instead, he was killed like the other one.

In my opinion, this indicates a definite choice,

the kind of manic repetition we find in schizophrenics.

-Brilliant.

He's murdered two little children.

The guy's obviously going to be a mental case,

to my way of thinking, Lieutenant.

-Of course.

-The killer's a maniac,

but his mind works in a certain logical pattern

which has a reasonable meaning for him.

Were they unrelated victims?

Perhaps their poor bodies can furnish some hint.

-You were right to come to me. I probably knew them best.

Enough of that now!

-That's what I thought.

When a priest is close to his boys in age, as well.

Of course it helps a lot.

What I want is for them to come here with pleasure.

Pass the ball!

-They're good lads,

if they prefer the house of the Lord to playing in the streets.

Well, they like the soccer field.

They're devoted to the Lord, but more to soccer.

A lot more.

-They like you a lot, so I've heard.

-You want to know my secret?

-Let's hear it.

-I play soccer, too. -Ah.

-I'm a very good center-forward.

People aren't worried much about their immortal souls.

They watch TV, go to the movies.

They read the papers with all those scandalous photographs.

But you're a reporter, aren't you?

-Yes. I work for a daily. -Things like this happen.

And the world is shocked. I'm sorry.

The water's turned off at 6:00.

-Oh. -You look for a culprit.

But no one ever asks

if the culprit isn't our would-be liberalism.

-No one? -What can a poor priest do?

Oh, I'm a friend of the news vendor.

And certain magazines aren't sold here.

In fact, they don't even get here.

-Cigarette? -No.

-They're free. -No, no.

-Go on.

That's a sort of censorship, right?

Mm-hmm.

-Do you think I'm wrong? -No.

But what can you do about that sort of thing?

I'm afraid the news vendor can't do very much about her.

-No.

-Well, Don Alberto, what have they decided in Rome?

Can you get married yet? -Mnh-mnh.

Ooh.

It's nice to see a little new masculinity around.

Oh, well, you will keep me informed

because I'll be very interested to hear.

Finished. How much?

-That's all right. I'll bill you later.

-I wouldn't say she's your most devout parishioner.

I know.

In fact, it's only since she arrived here

that funny things have been going on.

-What do you mean?

-Nothing.

Just sometimes you get suspicious of everyone.

-Who's that? -Uh, she was born here.

Her father made a fortune in Milan.

You might have noticed that

funny-looking, modern-type building on the way into town.

-Yeah. Is that her house? -Yes.

Her father owns it, but he only built it for show.

He never comes here. He hates the place.

What's the girl here for?

Wouldn't she be better off in Milan?

-Well, apparently she was implicated in a drug scandal

a few months ago.

I don't know any of the details,

but her father seemed to think she'd better stay here.

-Hello? Oh, hello. What? No. I'm alone.

No. Well, they're watching...

It's so late.

No. Who's afraid? No. I can go out the back door.

Nobody'll see.

-Here are your keys, Miss.

Oh.

-This is the type of picture Michele would like.

Call him.

-Michele's studying.

For one night in the week, he can do without it.

Aah! Aahhh!

-He ate with us up at the signorina's.

-This was on his table.

-Then he came back here to study.

-He's never stayed out all night before.

-Why were you and your husband so late getting in last night?

-Because Miss Patrizia was late.

She likes me to be there when she comes in.

She's been worried she'll find an intruder.

That's what she says.

Find our boy, our little son. Oh, please, sir.

-And does she make a point

of...of going out at night alone?

-No. Just once or twice, as I remember.

-The dogs can't smell a damn thing with all this rain.

-Yeah.

-Look. I've had it, Martelli. I'm soaked to the skin.

They'll certainly let us know if they find a clue.

-Go ahead. I'm staying.

-Okay. So long.

-I'm scared of thieves. I know it sounds silly,

but there's nothing I can do about it.

-But you're not bothered staying out in your car

from 9:00 until midnight.

Or am I mistaken?

-No. Your informers are right.

Your source of information wins an award this time

for accuracy.

And do you want to know what I did during those hours?

Nothing. I went up and down the highway like an idiot.

-For three consecutive hours? -Yes.

-Well, it's a simple remedy when you're nervous.

You've been very nervous lately?

-I wasn't nervous. I was...

Oh. What's the use?

There's no sense in being mysterious.

With all the gossip in town,

I'd be surprised if they hadn't told you already.

I used to take...

I used to take drugs, and now that I'm clean,

I occasionally get a craving.

-You saw nobody, did you?

-Nobody.

-And you never stopped the car at all?

-Why?

-You might have had to buy gas or get a cup of coffee.

-I don't remember.

-You've forgotten? We're talking about last night.

-I didn't stop.

-And so we finally see the face of the voodoo woman

who's messing with those black dolls and the steel pins

and the little burial sites.

And that woman is yet another larger-than-life sex symbol

who captivated the Italian film world

when she first arrived in Rome in the late '60s.

That's Florinda Bolkan looking amazing,

even under that homeless gypsy makeup.

And her story is even more incredible than Barbara Bouchet.

She was born in the boonies of Brazil,

the remote northeast in the little town of Uruburetama,

which is a tribal word meaning "land of the vultures."

Her father died when she was 14.

She worked as a secretary to support the family

while attending school.

She learned to speak English and French.

She became a stewardess for Varig,

the national Brazilian airline,

and apparently she was so good at it

that she got promoted to flight inspector.

So, she was in charge of cabin crews all over the world.

So, her job eventually took her to Rome, and while in Rome,

she fell in love with Marina Cicogna,

the first female film producer in Italy

and a very powerful figure in the business.

And Cicogna convinced Bolkan...

I'm getting these names totally wrong.

But Cicogna convinced Bolkan to stay in Italy

and become a model and an actress.

The two of them then proceeded to be

this larger-than-life power couple,

with Marina Cicogna producing movies

that had roles for Bolkan,

including "Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion,"

which was Elio Petri's political thriller that won

the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film in 1970.

Cicogna was an actual countess,

so the two of them lived this high-society life,

where they were sort of the only lesbians at the cool parties

in the late '60s and all through the 1970s,

and Bolkan ended up working on both of Lucio Fulci's

classic giallos -- this one and "A Lizard in a Woman's Skin."

But during the time they were making this film,

Florinda Bolkan was also involved

in a couple of scandals.

One scandal involved wearing some kind of backless dress

that got censored from the tabloids,

and the other one was stealing Richard Burton away

from Elizabeth Taylor.

And then in later years, it turns out

that Florinda had had a torrid affair with JFK back in 1963.

So, she was sort of a femme fatale on three continents.

She was on the cover of Playboy twice, in 1975 and 1977,

and she continued acting up until 2006,

when she retired and opened the Villa Voltarina,

which is a kind of Airbnb for the super wealthy

in the little lakeside town of Bracciano.

She's still there if you want to chat her up.

So, now I'm trying to avoid thinking about the death

of little Michele,

because it was hard enough to watch the first two kids die.

But I think everybody loved Michele

because they let us see a lot of his life,

and we wanted him to live long enough to have sex

for the first time, right?

-Yeah, it was heartbreaking.

-But let's get back to the movie,

where the police captain needs to move fast on these murders,

or else the town vigilantes are going to go old-school,

like rural Mississippi in 1895.

So, roll the flick. Go!

I should have mentioned this before,

but Lucio Fulci got hauled into court for that scene

where Barbara Bouchet comes on to the little boy in the nude.

-Hmm.

-But they let him go because he convinced the judge

that the boy and Barbara were never in the same shot together.

Um, I don't know, Darcy.

Would anybody do that scene today?

-I don't think so.

-I mean, it was a different time.

What, was that 54 years ago?

But I remember a mainstream movie around the same time,

"Summer of '42,"

where teenager's spending the summer at the beach,

and he gets a crush on Jennifer O'Neill,

who's a lonely war widow, and they end up aardvarking.

And it's supposed to be like a rite of passage.

And everybody took the movie really seriously.

But I don't think anybody got upset about that story.

Everybody went, "Oh, that's so sweet.

That boy with that much older..."

-Not anymore, I don't know think.

-No? Also, "Private Lessons"...

-Oh, that's a good one, though. -...came out.

Remember "Private Lessons"?

15-year-old boy seduced by his housekeeper,

who was Sylvia Kristel,

Emmanuelle herself. -I'm saying.

-They marketed that as just a cute teen comedy.

-Probably not anymore.

-Also, isn't there some movie

where Robin Wright and Naomi Watts

are having affairs with each other's teenage sons?

-Yeah, And they got pretty slammed for that.

-They did? -Yeah.

-Okay, so I guess no dads take their sons

to Mexican border-town whorehouses anymore, right?

-We can't condone that, no.

-All the great Texas traditions are getting frittered away.

-...being purified by the sacrifice

and delivered from his sins may receive both pardon

and everlasting rest.

Absolve, O Lord, the souls of all the faithful

departed from every bond of sin and grace.

-Amen.

-My...he was my own baby. He was mine.

My boy. Michele. Oh, God. Why? Why?

-...shall be in everlasting...

-Do thou accept our sacrifice in behalf of this soul,

whom we this day commend to thee?

Grant, O Lord,

that he may pass from death to life with thy saints forever,

which thou didst promise of old to Abraham and his seed.

-Eternal light shine upon them, Lord, with thy saints forever

because Thou are merciful.

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord,

and let perpetual light shine upon them.

-O Lord, Jesus Christ...

-Which one?

-The one with the child.

-...departed from the pains of hell.

-The kid in the blue dress.

-Is that her daughter? -Yes. Her name is Malvina.

It's a shame she's like that, Commissioner.

Her brother is perfectly normal.

-Grant, we beseech thee, Almighty God,

that the soul of thy servant Michele,

who has departed out of this world,

being purified by this sacrifice and delivered from his sins,

may receive both pardon...

-He's here. -...and everlasting rest...

-He's here!

-...from our Lord Jesus Christ...

-I know he is.

-...who are with Thee and the Holy Ghost...

-Here. -...reigneth forever.

Here! I know! I know he is.

The killer is here with us!

I know it!

The killer! Oh! Oh-oh! He's here.

I know!

-You see, Commissioner, she went into the church

after everyone else was already inside,

as if she didn't want anyone to notice her.

Then, after a few minutes, she ran away.

Because this woman is running away.

-Yes, but her sudden flight from the church

could be explained by the fact that she practices magic.

-No, no, because Maciara doesn't practice a damn thing,

Commissioner.

They claim she's a witch

because she lives with old Francesco

but for no better reason than that.

Besides, in this part of Italy, witches, whether male or female,

work in close cooperation with established religion.

Understand me? -Yes, completely.

This so-called Francesco is some sort of magician.

He practices black magic?

-Yes. That's it, sir. He's very much in demand.

They come to see him from all over the place --

Sicily, Calabria, every place.

-I thought being a magician was supposed to be profitable.

-Oh, it's a paying proposition, all right.

Francesco's got a good-sized bank account.

He lives way out here because he likes it.

He's lived his whole life here in these mountains.

-No. Go ahead. -Mm.

-I can't understand why anyone would want to live like this.

-Day to you, Francesco. How have you been?

-Can't complain.

-Uh, uh...is Maciara here?

-If you don't see her, son, then she's not here.

-When will she be back? Any idea, Francesco?

-Ask St. Anthony.

I haven't seen her hide nor hair for over two weeks now.

-You mean she left two weeks ago,

and she hasn't been back here? How come?

-Mm. Ahh.

And who is this?

-Well, he's a friend of mine.

-Ah.

If you're looking for Maciara here, you're wasting time.

She does no evil, and she knows none.

You listen.

Listen to the words of old Francesco.

-I've just got one or two questions more.

Have you been looking for her, or aren't you interested?

-Sure I looked...

when she was near at hand.

I looked on Friday...

Friday at midnight.

St. Rocco came to me that night in a vision

and said to go to the oak near the crucifix.

-And what happened?

-I went to try and find her.

The rain was like a blanket over the forest.

-Did you find anyone there beneath a cross or by the tree?

-I found someone...the night and nothing else.

St. Rocco is a big liar! Yeah.

Put your faith only in St. Benedict.

Nobody's been betrayed by him.

-See here, Francesco. -Yes?

-A crime was committed,

as you must know, on that very spot Friday night.

-If you say so.

If St. Benedict reveals the killer...

I'll pass the word on to you.

-He's just fooling with us.

He ought to be arrested, Modesti.

Yeah, if you got a mind to start a revolution in Accendura.

Look, Francesco.

All we want is to ask Maciara a couple of questions.

-She hasn't been here for two weeks.

And when she's coming back,

only St. Benedict and St. Mark know that.

Excuse me. I gotta take a crap.

-If he's on the level, only St. Benedict can tell us.

That's for sure.

And I bet he ain't talking.

-He may not know where she is, but one thing's clear.

That woman has a reason for going into hiding.

Now, what do you suppose brings her here?

-Be mighty interesting to know.

-Take this down.

In latest developments, comma,

a large contingent of state police

has arrived here in Accendura from the regional capital.

Period.

Apparently, they will be used to search

the surrounding countryside.

But the reason

why the reserves are here in the town is not immediately clear,

as there is no news as yet

concerning the disappearance of any other children.

-Remember you asked me about

a lady called Aurelia Avallone?

That's her with the baby.

-I happened to notice her at the funeral the other day.

She seemed strange.

-We put up with her only because she's the mother

of the priest, you know.

-Can you hear me?

I know where you can find Maciara.

-Yes.

Yes, I know where it is, more or less.

Who's speaking?

-Someone who wants justice.

Squadron two, follow...

See something red just past white boulder to the left,

maybe an article of clothing.

Squadron three...

-Heh, we could have guessed this.

She saw us coming and flew the coop.

-Well, she's probably still in the vicinity.

Tell the boys at the command post to survey the area.

-Right. Telecontrol 20,

we found traces of the woman in the cave.

-What is it, boy? What you got, fella?

-My God, he's found something down there.

Go on, boy. Dig!

-Maciara's child, you think?

-Yes. Hers and Francesco's.

It happened 15 years ago, if that.

When she was a girl, they brought her to Francesco

because she had the devil in her.

According to rumors in town, Francesco got rid of the devil

and in the process got the poor kid pregnant.

But I repeat, sir, it was only chatter,

because if there really was a child, nobody ever saw it.

It could have been born dead.

Others said it might have lived for a couple of years

and that she always kept it hidden away

because it was the son of the devil.

-A natural assumption. Who established the paternity?

-Ignorance, Commissioner.

That's what they say when a child is born deformed.

-You mean there was no investigation at the time

into these matters, then?

-No. No, there wasn't. I said these were rumors.

We've got enough to investigate.

-But, Captain, are these merely superstitions?

-I don't know.

I think you'd better ask Maciara.

-Aah! Let go!

Let me go!

I've murdered them.

I put them to death...

...all three of them.

I had seen the one called Michele near the place

where I had buried my son.

-Maciara, she's the one who put these here.

-Who said so? -I found her yesterday.

-You bastards! Go away!

-It's not your land, anyway.

-Don't you come back anymore!

I'll break you!

So, I warned them.

Instead, they came back and started digging around.

-Maciara's a witch!

-I saw that the ground was changed.

-We want Maciara's blood!

-But if you buried your son in a cemetery...

I couldn't.

He was a child of the devil.

-I told you.

-Yes.

To conclude, then,

you killed those three boys to punish them?

-That's right.

-You didn't mention it to anyone, like old Francesco?

-I know Francesco's innocent. I swear to God!

I asked him how to do it, but I didn't tell him

why I wanted to know.

-What did you ask Francesco? -How to do it.

-What do you mean to say? Strangle a child?

-But I didn't strangle them.

-You say you...didn't strangle them?

-I put them to death in a different way.

-In what way did you do it?

-I don't want to say.

-Talk! Answer the question.

-What do you care? I told you I did it.

Put me in jail, and that's it.

-No. How did you do it?

-I put them to death.

I warned them.

I said...

I said...

"I'll break you!"

They shouldn't have done it!

And they did. I told them not to!

They asked for what they got!

I gave it to them!

But they asked for it.

They went too far!

I said, "I'll break you!"

They shouldn't have!

They...they...they asked for it!

Death!

The bastards!

Aah! Raahhh!

-Hey, both of you, come in here.

-Lucio Fulci --

we have talked about him a lot on this show,

but usually we're talking about his straight horror flicks

from the early '80s, like "House by the Cemetery,"

"Zombie,"

"City of the Living Dead," "The Beyond."

What's his best straight horror film?

-Hmm...

-I feel like most people would say

either "Zombie" or "City of the Living Dead,"

but personally I love "New York Ripper."

-"New York Ripper"?

Quack!

-Just saying quack. -It has a quack in it.

-It has some quacking.

-Anyway, those films are what most people know him for,

ultra-violent fantasy horror with a supernatural element.

But Fulci had been working in the film industry for 35 years

before he made "Zombie,"

and he'd been making his own films for 20 years,

starting with a 1959 comedy called "The Thieves,"

starring the greatest Italian comedian, Toto,

the Italian Charlie Chaplin.

Have you ever seen a Toto movie, Darcy?

-Honestly, probably.

It sounds like something my kid would make me watch.

-Your kid would like Toto?

-Yes. I feel like he would.

-A lot of Fulci's movies,

including the one we're watching,

is about the clash between the sophisticated, urban,

modern Italy, symbolized by the city of Milan,

where the news reporter's from

and where Patrizia has been partying too much.

And that's contrasted with the bigoted,

superstitious small towns of the South,

symbolized in this movie by the fictitious town of Accendura.

And in that first Fulci movie, in 1959,

Toto played a sort of Inspector Clouseau police commissioner

who's promoted from a small town to supposedly clean up Naples

and all the big-city crime in Naples.

And of course Toto fails.

He thinks he's smarter than the thieves and con men,

but he gets outfoxed at every turn.

So, it's hard for us to conceive of it today.

In fact, if you read a Fulci biography,

it usually just says, "Well, he directed a few comedies."

But Fulci was considered a genius comedy director.

He was the go-to guy all through the '60s for comedy,

and he was not bad at musicals or Westerns, either.

He was often just a hired hand, though,

and he didn't get full artistic control of his films

until he made the hit erotic thriller,

"One on the Top of the Other" in 1969,

with a femme fatale to end all femme fatales,

played by Marisa Mell,

and the success of that film made it possible

for him to get backing for his pet project,

which was called "The Conspiracy of Torture,"

based on the true story of a young woman

accused of murdering her sexually abusive father

in 16th-century Italy.

The Catholic Church hated this film.

They not only hated it, but they ostracized Fulci.

They didn't excommunicate him,

but they made it known that he was not welcome

in Catholic circles,

and they told faithful Catholics not to go to the film.

According to Fulci, the Catholic bishops,

who were a lot more powerful then than they are today,

ensured that the film would be a commercial failure.

And that's when he turned to giallo,

partly because giallos were assumed to be fiction,

and he thought he could get away with narratives

that the government and the church couldn't control.

So his first giallo was

"A Lizard in a Woman's Skin" in 1971,

starring Florinda Bolkan, the voodoo woman in this movie,

as a London upper-class wife

who gets into a sexual relationship with the sex,

drugs, rock 'n' roll, free-spirited Anita Strindberg

with weird results for all involved.

And that movie was a huge commercial success.

In the U.S.,

It played grindhouses and drive- ins under the title "Schizoid,"

and that success made "Don't Torture a Duckling" possible.

Now, I'm going into all this detail about Fulci

to point out he was kind of a late bloomer,

and that may be why he doesn't get the attention

that Mario Bava and Dario Argento get.

There would be all kinds of stories in later years

about a rivalry between Argento and Fulci

that got pretty nasty at times,

and it could have been caused by something as simple

as Argento having a runaway international hit

with his very first film,

"The Bird with the Crystal Plumage," in 1970.

And Fulci, a guy who had worked on 50 films by that time,

still waiting on public recognition

or some kind of public recognition other than,

"Oh, that guy that hates the church."

So, it was believed in Italy

that the weird animal titles were what made

those early giallos successful. In fact,

Argento's next two films were the "Cat o' Nine Tails"

and "Four Flies on Grey Velvet,"

and so Argento might have regarded Fulci as a copycat.

Neither man was well-liked.

They both could be abrasive to people that they didn't respect,

and so it's not surprising

that when Fulci was asked about the animal titles,

they said, "Did you copy the animal titles from Argento?"

And he said, "No.

A lot of Italian genre directors are animal lovers.

Mario Bava loved cats.

Riccardo Freda loves horses, and Dario Argento loves himself."

So, back to the movie.

Fulci got hammered, though.

He got hammered for three scenes in this movie.

One is the scene we talked about,

the 12-year-old boy getting teased

by the naked Barbara Bouchet,

but he was also criticized for the over-the-top violence

in two other scenes -- one we're about to watch right now

and one that ends the movie, the very last scene in the movie.

And you know who did those violent effects?

-Carlo Rambaldi. -Yes.

-The guy who would go on to do "E.T."

and "Alien" and "King Kong."

And that's when he was working for guys

who didn't speak Italian.

Put him with an Italian like Fulci, and you get magic.

In fact, it was Fulci's film "Lizard in a Woman's Skin"

that made Rambaldi famous in the first place

because of the scene, the dissected-dogs scene,

another case where Fulci got hauled into court,

this time for animal cruelty.

Rambaldi had to go into court to prove

that no real dogs were used in the scene,

and then he still got attacked by animal-rights people

for creating that image in the first place.

But after all that,

Fulci goes, "Carlo, you are the man I want to work with."

And so we get the beginning

of ridiculously graphic gore in Italy.

I made three dolls out of wax and painted them black...

...because the spell was for death.

I stuck pins all the way through them.

You have to do it 13 times.

Then I said the words you have to say to command the devils.

Thirteen devils enter someone's mouth.

By the mouth, they infect the blood, and he kills.

-Who? Who does the killing?

-Anybody.

Man or woman.

-You sure you couldn't be mistaken?

You're not mistaking it with some other night?

-No. I'm certain it was Friday.

Why don't you check my book and see for yourself?

On the night when they killed poor, little Michele Spriano,

I found Maciara someplace near the ruined fort.

-Well, isn't that quite a distance from the oak?

-Yes, sir. A good 13 miles, sir.

Nobody could walk.

-But you saw her. You're very certain it was her?

-Yes. No mistake.

I even asked the girl what she was doing on a night like that.

And she swore at me.

-I see. Thanks. That's all.

-Are you convinced by that story?

The only thing that Maciara has in her conscience

is sticking pins in dolls.

-Yes, yes, I know. She's a bit crazy. That's all.

Still, I'd like to keep her till I'm absolutely sure.

-What's the point of that?

You're beginning to be like the people

who want somebody arrested at all costs.

-I'm trying to avoid trouble if I can.

-Expecting more trouble, are you?

-No. No, I guess not. She's innocent.

Nobody here says she's not innocent.

-Right.

-She's innocent. So, she can be released.

Yes, she can.

So, release her in the morning. -Yes, sir.

♪Rhythm ♪

♪Feeling in the rhythm ♪

♪Rhythm ♪

♪Rhythm ♪

♪That's the secret of creation ♪

♪Rhythm ♪

♪Leaving all it, baby ♪

♪Rhythm ♪

♪Rhythm ♪

♪So, a miracle sensation ♪

♪In the beginning, there was only man ♪

♪Until a woman came and raised her hand ♪

♪In the beginning... ♪

-Aaahh!

-And now here's the new generation.

Go away. Man, go away!

♪I've seen a lot of women ♪

♪But I've never seen a girl like you ♪

♪You got me going out of my head ♪

♪Doing things I'd never thought I'd do ♪

♪Yeah ♪

♪The first time I saw you ♪

-What?

♪Young kids giving me such a feeling ♪

♪The next thing to hypnotize ♪

♪My heart keeps on pounding ♪

♪My head goes round and round ♪

♪I worship everything you step ♪

♪Stuck on this old ground ♪

♪That's why I'm crazy ♪

♪Oh, crazy about you, baby ♪

♪Ow ♪

♪That's why I'm so crazy ♪

♪Oh, crazy about you, baby ♪

♪All right ♪

♪I seen a lot of bad things, things that make me mad ♪

♪Your loving keeps me so at ease ♪

-Aah!

♪The best love I ever had ♪

♪Yeah ♪

♪Every time I see you, my heart just stands still ♪

♪You've got me missin' about your love ♪

♪The way you... ♪

-Aahhh!

♪My heart... ♪

-Aah!

♪...around and round ♪

-A change of mood now.

Let's listen to the lovely voice of Ornella Vanoni.

Ornella, take it away!

-Aah!

♪Quei giorni insieme a te ♪

♪Io non li rivivrei ♪

-Aah!

♪E stata un'odissea ♪

-Aah!

♪Difficile, inutile ♪

♪Noi eravamo in due ♪

♪Che adoravamo te ♪

♪Una ero io, l'altro eri tu ♪

♪E non avevi il tempo di volere bene a me ♪

♪Ma io non so perché ♪

♪ Quel pochissimo che dai ♪

♪Agli occhi miei pare di piu ♪

♪Dell'amore che ho incontrato poi ♪

♪Quei giorni insieme a te ♪

♪ Io li cancellerei ♪

♪Ripeto fra di me: ♪

♪"Che stupida! Che stupida!" ♪

♪E mi vergogno un po' ♪

♪ Di averti detto si ♪

♪Oggi che ho piu dignità io ♪

♪Non accetterei l'amore in briciole ♪

♪Che tu allora davi a me ♪

♪ Come fosse carità ♪

♪Ma se è così, chissà perché penso ancora ai ♪

♪Giorni insieme a te ♪

♪Ma se è così ♪

♪Chissà perché penso ancora ai ♪

♪Giorni insieme a te ♪

-Ugh! That image of Maciara dying on the shoulder

of the autostrada?

The visuals in this movie are just amazing.

I think Matrciara did think she was guilty, though, right?

She thought the voodoo dolls had killed those boys.

She just didn't know who did the actual killing.

But the camera lingering on every wound

as she's hit with chains and boards and hands

and murdered by the whole town.

Florinda Bolkan said it took four days

to shoot the whole sequence, but Fulci was very helpful.

He would sit with her between shots

and reassure her

that she wouldn't have to suffer much longer,

which was probably a lie.

And then the song is being played while she's being killed.

That is a love ballad written by Riz Ortolani,

the film's composer.

But it's sung by a woman

whose voice would be instantly recognizable to any Italian

in the year 1972,

Ornella Vanoni, known as the "First Lady of Italian Song,"

and the words of the song are "Those days together with you

will never return,"

as though Maciara is thinking of her one true love as she dies.

Ooh!

Anyway, there is no town called Accendura in Italy,

but those white-walled streets are the town

of Monte Sant'Angelo on the Adriatic coast,

which to this day is mostly farmers and livestock breeders

and small-shop owners.

Population about 10,000.

And even though Fulci himself was a Roman,

he was always fascinated by the peasantry.

He saw rural Italy as a place

where the church oppressed the people,

and the people themselves

were full of superstition and backwardness.

But he was an avowed Marxist,

and that seems like a contradiction to me, actually.

If you're a Marxist,

you're supposed to be a fan of the people, right?

You don't go around saying they're all stupid.

-Are you actually asking me that?

-Yeah. -Oh. I guess.

Marxism is all about the people taking everything over.

-Taking over things, right?

Everybody in the town, though, is a pervert.

I mean, Giuseppe is a voyeur.

He spies on the prostitutes from the city

when they're doing their thing.

It's interesting to me that prostitutes drive in

from the city to service the rubes, you know?

Anyway, all three of the dead boys are voyeurs.

That's what they were doing.

Patrizia is drug-addicted,

and in every scene there's some indication

that she's probably way off the scale

in the kinky-sex department.

-Which we like.

-Those men who kill Maciara

seem to enjoy their mission a little too much.

Maciara and Francesco have something going on.

We're not sure what that is.

May have created a dead baby a few years back.

Remember the dead baby?

All kinds of secret agendas raging through this little town.

And even though the superfast autostrada now cuts through

the valley and connects it to all the big cities,

nothing seems to ever change there.

So, back to the movie. Roll it!

You know, there was a whole slew of American movies

about small-town decadence back in the '50s,

and I love all those movies,

especially "Written on the Wind."

Did you ever see that movie?

-Rock Hudson and Lauren Bacall?

-Yes, but the character I'm thinking about,

though, is Dorothy Malone as the bad girl

in the Texas oil family.

Robert Stack is her daddy, but he can't control her.

She's wild and reckless and spoiled,

and she does that crazy dance in her bedroom

while Robert Stack is dying actually downstairs.

I like those sad movies from the '50s

about desperate people in small towns.

"Picnic" is another one. "Some Came Running."

"A Face in the Crowd" with Andy Griffith.

Small towns full of scandals and repressed desires

and forbidden sex and suicide and abuse

and way too much alcohol.

People want to escape the small town,

but they can't get out of this bleak place.

They should have a name for that genre, like film noir.

It's not film noir

because film noir has always took place in cities.

Ones in small towns

should be called backwater noir or podunk noir.

But don't you love those bleak movies

about small-town desperation?

No, I don't.

-Well, it's an acquired taste, I guess.

-I guess.

-A horrible crime, bred of ignorance and superstition.

We construct gleaming highways,

but we're a long way from modernizing the mentality

of people like this.

I'm going to discover the men who did it and punish them.

-Right you are, sir.

That means punishing the entire town.

Impallomeni? Impallomeni?!

Are you satisfied?

-Huh? -Listen here.

Every now and again,

it's a good idea to think twice and keep your mouth shut.

-But, Captain, I was telling the truth.

-I'm aware of that.

But a little truth goes a long way in this town.

Next time, remember that. -Yes, sir.

-Oh, look. Your doll's been broken.

Isn't there any way you can get it fixed?

-If you want, I'll buy you a nice, new one.

-Excuse me, Miss. She doesn't understand.

She's deaf and dumb. The little girl is subnormal.

Retarded.

-Oh, I didn't know.

But all the same, there's no reason

why she should have a doll without a head on its neck.

Is there a shop around here somewhere

where we can buy you another doll?

-There's a stationer's over there.

They also sell toys.

-Good. We'll buy you a brand-new one.

-Happy? -Martelli, get moving!

-I'm coming right away.

Well, Miss, I...

-I wish you'd stop addressing me like that.

All right? My name is Patrizia.

-A pleasure.

My name is Andrea Martelli.

-Hello.

-Martelli, are you coming? -I'll be there in a minute.

So, I'll see you.

-Ciao.

Now, don't be sad. I'll buy you a present.

-Come with me. It's all right. That's it!

Come on!

-We're going to buy you a nice, new doll.

-Come on. Let's do it another day.

Those two are always around.

-So, what? Say I spend all the dough.

Without any money,

those boys won't even let you watch.

-Look at those police.

Do you think all those police would be here like that

without some reason?

That's a search party for the killer

of those other kids, you jerk. Listen. I'm going home.

-Ah, the police are doing their mat training, stupid,

like last summer.

They already caught the killer.

Maciara is dead.

I tell you, the murderer is dead and buried.

Come on. You're just a scaredy cat.

-I'm gonna go anyhow. I'm not afraid.

I got enough money. They did it with Barra.

And he's crazy. You coming?

-I don't feel like it. I'm afraid.

-Scaredy cat! Come on now.

-No.

-Go on and play soccer, sissy.

You like that, don't you?

-I'm not a sissy.

-You're a sissy.

-You're a liar.

-Oh, go play soccer with Don Alberto!

-Mario! Mario, come back here! It's getting late now.

-Who gives a damn?

-Huh?

-Pass it to me! Come on! I'll get it.

-Okay, pick it up. Pick it up!

-I want to use my head. -That's good. Okay.

-Nice shot. Okay, go. Come on. Move it.

-Jiggle them real good. Kick it. Kick it nice and hard.

Okay. Right in the goal.

-Hey. What's wrong?

-Nothing's wrong. -He's worried about Mario.

-Just a minute.

What's he done?

-I told Mario not to go.

-What are you talking about?

-He went to the haunted house alone.

-Alone?

-Don Alberto,

the boys go there because...

-Because certain females go there.

-What's this? -A couple of girls who...

-But you're so young.

-Right here, right here. Come on.

I'm right in front of the goalie.

-Okay, we'll try it.

-You're just boys. Boys!

-Not us. Mario. He goes there. That's all.

-I told him not to go 'cause he might get caught by the,

you know, caught by the monster.

That's what I said. I swear.

But he said there wasn't any monster.

He said nothing would happen because Maciara's dead.

The murderer is dead.

-The murderer is dead.

How stupid can you be? People commit an act of folly.

And there's the result.

Mario, that idiot isn't scared of going all the way up there

because Maciara's dead and buried.

Peppino, no one's ever been killed because of magic.

No one. It's all nonsense.

-Don Alberto, that's just what I told Mario

because I said the killer was still around.

-That's what everyone knows. -Yeah.

-Thank God. The fool.

All of you stay here. Okay?

-Uh-huh. -Okay?

-Yeah.

-Why did you squeal on us?

-Go on. You couldn't wait for me to open my mouth.

-Get it!

-Come on. -Come on!

-Let's go. That's a good shot.

Very good. Okay.

-Well, you know how to change a tire?

-Let me have a jack.

-I'll give you 2,000 lire. All right?

Which would you prefer, a kiss or money?

-It's more than just a bruise this time.

It's a contusion.

-Yes. A violent blow by a blunt weapon.

-In my opinion,

the autopsy will show that the wound wasn't fatal

but that the boy died by drowning.

-Yes. Death by suffocation,

like what happened to Bruno LoCascio.

Only there the child was smothered.

He made an easier job of it this time.

-The priest found him.

He was passing on his bicycle and saw the child's body.

He guessed what had happened right away.

-What time was it exactly, Father?

-Do we question him? -Later.

-If and when the reporters decide to leave him in peace.

-Captain, one second. Captain Modesti?

This time, people can't blame Maciara.

-You don't think so?

I can't see any of them with a look of guilt on their faces.

The only thing that I can see is a look of fear.

-Ciao, Montanelli.

-Martelli, please.

-A rose by any other name, right?

Oh. Are you interested in this kind of literature?

-Not especially. Are you?

-Would you like a drink?

-No, thanks. I'm leaving right away.

-So, what did you come here for?

-To bring you back your lighter.

How'd you know it was mine? There are no initials on it.

-You know anybody else in town able to buy it?

-You're right. I paid a fortune for it.

I'm glad you didn't steal it from me.

Didn't you give it a thought?

-Actually, I did give it a thought.

I thought of handing it over to the police.

-Why?

-Because it was found lying not far away.

-Not far away from where?

-From where another boy was killed.

-No...not another one.

But when?

-You mean you didn't know?

-I don't know anything.

Stop it!

Martelli, your suspicions are bullshit.

You're the only one I've seen.

-Where were you tonight?

-That's my business.

Don't try to tell me that you've begun to have weird ideas.

-So, you're saying that inside of three hours

you covered 300 kilometers.

Without stopping, you mean?

-Just up and down, like an idiot?

-Yes, up and down, like an idiot.

Is there anything wrong with that?

-Yes. There's a little thing wrong.

The gasoline.

At that speed,

your car gets at the most five kilometers to the liter.

So, you'd have needed at least 80 liters.

-But my car has two tanks.

-Each holding 30 liters. Sixty. No, miss.

It's mathematically certain

that you must have stopped to get gas.

-All right, I stopped.

-Then why did you deny it?

-Because...

Because I didn't just stop to get gas.

Because I also made a phone call and I noticed

that the attendant jotted my number down.

-Then what?

-I called a camp at Maratea.

I knew there were two foreigners there,

two boys who had some stuff.

-Hashish?

-Well, marijuana. I didn't...

I didn't want to get them involved in anything.

-What's between you and old Francesco?

You have relations with him?

-What relations do you mean?

I don't have any relations with...

-You never go to see him?

-No, never.

-And if I say I saw you go to see him with my own eyes?

-All right. I went there two or three times.

You see, I...I like to read about black magic, and so I...

Oh, for God's sake, what's wrong with it?!

I'm bored stiff with this place.

I know every inch of Accendura by heart just...

just from riding around, trying to think of something to do.

And the people...

I can't talk to them because they don't understand me.

At least... At least Francesco, he makes...

He makes me laugh.

-You said this camp was in Alberobello.

-Yes. That's it. Alberobello.

-But a minute ago you said Maratea.

-Yes, yes! Maratea! Well, what do you want from me?!

-Just one thing for the moment.

You mustn't leave town.

-Sure. If I'd done as you suggest,

I'd have told the police he changed my tire.

My God, you're a genius.

If somebody told them that, I'd be in the clink by now.

I threw the lighter into the john.

I don't give a damn how much it cost.

-In my opinion, you're crazy.

I mean, why get rid of the cigarette lighter

if you're going to tell me about the boy?

-Well, I've got to talk to someone, don't I?

I mean, you're the only civilized human being

in this lousy place.

-Thanks a bunch.

-I'm damned if I know how my father got himself born here.

Look at it.

The hypocrites in this town make me sick.

They make a point of putting flowers

on the poor victim's grave,

and, meanwhile, the person who killed them is one of them.

And you people give them rope.

You know something?

-I like to think so.

-Well, this looks like the head

of the Donald Duck I gave Malvina.

-Oh?

Oh, yeah. I put it there myself...

...for that macabre touch.

I thought you bought her a doll.

-They were all ugly.

The only decent one was Donald Duck.

Where did you find it?

-Near the washtub.

Where do you suppose the rest is?

-Okay, Darcy the duckling. -Yes?

-I want to make sure

that I get this one plot detail absolutely correct,

because this is the key to solving the case.

Patrizia sees a copy of The Milan Standard,

the newspaper Martelli works for.

And on the front page there's a picture of Mario's body,

and next to his body there's a Donald Duck head,

which Patrizia recognizes as the head of the doll

she purchased for Malvina, the deaf-and-dumb girl,

Father Don Alberto's sister.

And the reporter for The Milan Standard

happens to be in her house at the moment

she sees the Donald Duck head in the newspaper,

because in the previous scene he had brought to her

her expensive lighter that he found near the crime scene,

because he figured that if Patrizia has anything

to do with the case,

he would find out and get the biggest story of the year

for his newspaper, but she seems genuinely shocked

that another boy has been killed.

But when she's questioned by the police,

she gets caught in a lie,

which is a lie related to her recreational-drug use.

But they don't have enough evidence to charge her.

Plus, they think she's just crazy.

And the result of all this information

is that Martelli says,

"Where do you suppose the rest of the Donald Duck doll is?"

And so, the two of them go searching for the rest

of the Donald Duck doll.

And that's what sets off the chain of events

that lead to the incredible conclusion

of "Don't Torture a Duckling,"

truly one of the best third acts ever written.

But -- so here's my point.

-Okay.

-If I could ask the two veteran screenwriters one question...

The writers were Roberto Gianviti,

who also wrote "A Lizard in a Woman's Skin,"

and Gianfranco Clerici,

who wrote such classics as "Cannibal Holocaust"

and "Emanuelle Around the World"

and "Nazi Love Camp 27."

Anyway, so my question for Roberto and Gianfranco would be,

"Why is it important to find the rest

of the broken Donald Duck doll?"

We already know the location of the head.

It's in that picture, so they know where it is.

Many writers have complimented this script

as being damn near perfect script.

This is one place I smell a cheat.

Why would you go looking for it?

Please argue with me if you disagree.

At any rate, we're now going to see why

Tomas Milian as Martelli, the newspaper reporter,

is in the movie.

Tomas Milian...oh, boy.

He was the son of a Cuban general

who was arrested by the new government in Cuba

when Tomas was 12 years old,

and his dad was so distraught from being arrested

that he committed suicide in front of his whole family.

That was when Tomas was 12 years old.

So, the family then fled Cuba for New York City,

and Tomas studied at the Actors Studio

under Lee Strasberg himself.

Then he appeared on Broadway.

He did a lot of serious theater.

And then he was "discovered" by the director Mauro Bolognini

and used in a lot of Bolognini's films and other films made

by the gay directors in Italy of that era.

Milian was not gay. He was so much as bisexual.

I think he was bisexual.

But Bolognini and Pasolini and Zeffirelli and Visconti,

all the big gay names in Italian cinema

tended to stick together,

and they shared the same actors and writers.

And he ended up being typecast as a sadistic killer

because of several brutal performances

in the spaghetti westerns of Sergio Corbucci.

And he also played many killers

in action movies and police thrillers for Umberto Lenzi.

My point being that if an Italian audience saw him

on the screen,

they're going to think he's the killer right away.

Also, before we go back to the movie,

how cool is it

that Fulci got the great Greek actress Irene Papas

to play Malvina's mother, a relatively small role?

Irene Papas was not only a movie star.

She was still at the peak of her career.

She blew away critics with a string of classy performances

in the '60s -- "The Guns of Navarone," "Zorba the Greek,"

"Anne of the Thousand Days," "Z."

She frequently worked with Anthony Quinn.

She had a famous affair with Marlon Brando.

She always gave Elia Kazan credit for launching

her career in the '50s.

She was the very definition of A-list talent,

so the last place you expect her to turn up

is a giallo like this.

Maybe it's because she was also a member of the Communist Party,

and he was in the Communist Party of...

She was in Communist Party of Greece.

Fulci was Communist Party of Italy.

So, she and Fulci got along, I guess.

But she was also loved by the Greek Orthodox Church

because she recorded all their traditional songs and hymns,

and people in Greece

would will listen to those songs and hymns on holidays.

They still do. She was born in 1926.

Oh, this is Irene Papas' centennial year.

Born in the tiny village of Chiliomodi

and died of Alzheimer's in the same tiny village in 2022.

All right, Darcy. We're heading for the barn.

Roll the movie.

-All right. We're headed for the barn, are we?

-Yeah.

I never thought about why people say that.

It's a horse thing, I think.

-Probably.

-I think it means the horse goes faster

if you point towards the barn.

And from here on out, the movie really speeds up.

-I don't think that's something you've said before.

-No! I'm trying to go for the rural thing with this movie.

This is rural Italy.

-I feel like you don't have to.

-I realize that now. -Okay.

-Andrea?

There's nothing here.

-Go on. Keep looking.

-Where did you find that head, anyway?

-Right where you are now, a little behind you.

Keep on looking.

-It's useless. -Don't give up.

-A kid or a dog could have carried it away.

-I found another.

-Another head.

-It's just like I said.

The priest's house is right there.

Malvina came out that night and saw the kid being murdered.

She did the same thing to her dolls,

but she didn't mean to behead them.

She probably just squeezed too hard.

Apparently, what she'd seen had made

a horrible impression on her.

-That's very likely.

So, the poor child imitated the murderer.

A child is capable of such a thing.

And Malvina, you already know about her mental condition.

-Father...

if Malvina was there during the killing,

do you think she might be able to recognize the murderer?

-If she got a good look at him, why not?

-How is she going to be able to tell us what she knows

if she's deaf and dumb? And besides, she's--

-No, no, no, she's not a moron,

if that's what you're thinking.

She's retarded.

At the age of six, she has a mind of a child of three.

If we questioned her the right way,

we'd surely find out who she saw that night,

if she really saw him.

-Cigarette, Father?

-Mnh-mnh.

All it takes is a great deal of patience and gentleness.

You don't really expect that

from the local police, now, do you?

-She's right. We ought to do it.

-Mm.

-My son has forgotten one thing.

At night, the door is locked, always.

And not because of thieves but because of Malvina.

Precisely for her,

in case she got the idea of going out.

You know how careful I am, Alberto.

-Yes, Mother. You are.

That rather explodes the whole theory.

-Ah, I brought some candy for Malvina.

-Mm.

-The door is always locked at night.

So, Malvina didn't go out. She didn't see a damn thing.

And she tore off the heads just because she felt like it.

Is that the sort of crap they'll publish in your newspaper?

-The door was open.

Because her mother left it open on the way out.

-Oh, really?

And where does she go at that time of night?

Picking daisies?

-To kill those boys.

-Oh, honestly, where do you get all those crazy ideas?

-Let me tell you something I overheard.

Dona Aurelia's husband committed suicide.

In town, they say it was her fault.

Whether it was or not, one thing is certain.

She tormented him with her jealousy.

She's mad.

-But...what has that got to do with the kids?

-Apply the same thing to them.

They were all from the parish church.

They stole her son's affection.

A form of jealousy might drive her to murder.

-I think the whiskey went to your head, you know.

Hello? Oh. Hello, there.

No, I haven't.

But did she say that?

-No, I just had a feeling maybe she'd taken the child

to thank you for your kindness.

The candy. The doll?

-No one's been here.

Sure I will, if I see them.

Of course. Don't worry, Don Alberto.

That was Don Alberto.

He asked for Aurelia and Malvina.

He can't find them anywhere at all.

-You know her?

-Yep, I know her, but I haven't seen her.

-Thank you. Let's go.

-We should have gone to the police.

-You fool!

With this crazy story, they probably would have arrested me.

If she kills her, it'll be our fault.

We're the ones that made her realize

that she'd have to shut her up, even if she is deaf and dumb.

Poor, little thing.

-There's someone to ask.

Hello. Have you seen Dona Aurelia around here?

The priest's mother?

-Yes. I saw her up on the mountain

a little while ago with that little girl of hers.

-Thanks.

You think a mother could kill her own child?

-If she were mad.

If she's taken her up there,

we'll get there in time for the funeral.

-You're joking, I hope.

Because you don't have any kids.

-Do you? -Two boys.

-And I suppose you have a wife, too.

Too bad.

-No!

-No, Alberto! Leave her with me.

-No! Don't!

-Oh...oh.

-Wait!

-Alberto! -No! Alberto! You've gone mad.

Oh!

Alberto! Listen to me, Alberto.

-What is it?

-Save her or Malvina will be killed.

He'll kill her.

He's mad. My son is mad!

Malvina, too, will go to Paradise, Mama.

She will be with the angels in heaven.

It's not for myself that I do this.

It's for them...

...for all those blessed, innocent ones.

Nobody must stop me. I have to save them.

They are my brothers, and I love them.

-Don Alberto?

Don Alberto, you found Malvina.

Good. We'll take her to your house, and, uh,

and you can get some rest.

If you want, I'll carry the child.

All right?

Please?

Aah!

-Ooh! Aah!

Malvina, come here.

-I won't hurt you.

Aah!

Aah!

-Your face!

Oh! Aah!

-Ooh!

Aah!

-Ah...ah...aah...aaahhhh!

-Just certain females go there.

-They grow up.

They feel the stirrings of the flesh

and fall into the arms of sin...

...sin that God easily forgives, yes, but what of tomorrow?

What sordid acts will they commit?

What sins will they enact

when they no longer come to confession?

Then they will really be dead.

Dead forever, for all eternity.

They are my brothers, and I love them.

My children, I absolve you,

in the name of the Father and the Son

and of the Holy Spirit.

♪Quei giorni insieme a te ♪

♪Io non li rivivrei ♪

♪E stata un'odissea ♪

♪Difficile, inutile ♪

♪Noi eravamo in due ♪

♪Che adoravamo te ♪

♪Una ero io... ♪

-That final sequence on the cliff,

that has got to be in the top ten set pieces, don't you think?

-I do. It's amazing.

-And Fulci got ripped for what people call gratuitous violence

after the priest goes off the cliff.

But I have to say,

I enjoyed every jagged rock that he hit on the way down

and every gaping rip in his smug, self-righteous,

pretty-boy face.

That is more Carlo Rambaldi work.

So, "Don't Torture a Duckling" premiered

at the mid-sized Cinema Fiamma in Rome.

That's the same theater

that Fellini always used for his premieres.

And I'm mentioning that because it's a famous film place

that had to close in 2017.

But the mayor of Rome, Roberto Gualtieri,

worked behind the scenes and got it purchased by the state

and reopened it as a cultural center just this year.

And it continues to operate as a movie theater.

So, victory for the efforts to save Rome's

historic movie theaters.

The movie was a huge box-office success in Italy,

but it derailed Fulci's career

because he was blacklisted by the church

and friends of the church,

and so much so that he had to move to television,

make adventure movies and Westerns for a while.

He started to come back as a film director

five years later with another giallo

called "The Psychic," starring Jennifer O'Neill,

and made some more sex comedies.

He made a solid mafia drama called "Contraband,"

and then he made "Zombie,"

and he started becoming the horror legend that he is today.

He's the only director

who had three movies on the Video Nasty list in England.

And speaking of England,

"Don't Torture a Duckling" was never released in the U.K.

and never released in the U.S.,

possibly because serial child murder was just not something

American distributors were ready to sign up for at that time.

I actually don't understand the church's anger, though,

because yes, the priest is crazy,

but he's crazy in that theologically twisted way.

He's not a pedophile.

He wants to save children from the modern world

because he thinks the modern world is sending him to hell.

And that was Marc Porel as Don Alberto, the priest.

Porel was a Swiss actor who started working in Italy

in the late '60s

and quickly became well-known for his good looks

and his overall coolness.

He was romantically linked to several of his co-stars,

notably Barbara Magnolfi, star of "Suspiria."

But he developed a reputation for heavy drug use,

and that caused directors to grow wary of dealing with him.

He died in 1983, in Casablanca, at the age of just 34.

The official cause of death was meningitis,

but he had lifelong issues with heroin,

and that made people wonder what really happened

to him in Casablanca.

But that's "Don't Torture a Duckling,"

probably one of the best films we have ever had on this show.

-Why do you say "probably"?

-I say probably because when I praise a foreign film,

some of our fans say,

"Well, you're overreading it because it's exotic."

-I don't think that's true, necessarily.

-Here's the thing.

Italy has to be treated differently

because for a long time, Italy was the only country

that could compete with the U.S. in horror.

-Agreed. Mail time.

-All right.

-Here you go. Speaking of Italian horror,

one of our fans has written a really thick book

on "Cannibal Holocaust."

It's from Nathan Wardinski of Madison, Wisconsin.

-Big book here. Oh, here's the letter.

Okay. Dense type, 250 pages. Okay.

This guy loves "Cannibal Holocaust."

"Dear Joe Bob Briggs, enclosed is a copy

of my book 'Dissecting "Cannibal Holocaust."'

I thought you might be interested in it,

especially since "The Last Drive-In" screened the film

a few years ago."

And there are still people who are not happy

that we did screen the film a few years ago.

"The book takes a close look at 'Cannibal Holocaust'

and its connections to various film genres,

as well as anthropology, nature studies, ethics and censorship,

and media and journalism.

Although the book was published by an academic press,

I've approached the topic in a way

that ought to be readable by general audience.

I'm also the host of the public-radio program

'Sounds of Cinema,'

and I've been reviewing films for over 20 years.

Hope you enjoy the book.

Best, Nathan Wardinski. Madison, Wisconsin."

Well, thank you, Nathan.

As you may know,

because I've talked about it before,

I've just been overwhelmed by the number

of academic studies of films that,

when they were first released, played in grindhouses

and drive-ins

and were considered beneath the contempt

of even the daily-newspaper reviewers, much less professors.

It's like the world has turned upside down in my lifetime,

but in a good way.

So, I'll read this with great interest,

and I'll spread the word.

And I guess that's it for now.

Uh, stay with us for the second movie on "Don't Night."

"Don't Go in the Woods."

Yay!

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs with Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you that sometimes you're going to feel

like your life is in Season 5,

and the writers are just making stuff up to keep it interesting.

But all that means is that a spin-off with random people

you know is coming soon.

-What? What?

-And the drive-in will never die.

-Yeah.

-Newlywed couple meets with the pastor of a church

that they're interested in joining.

And so, the couple talks a while and the pastor says,

"I would love to have you two as members of my church,

but there's something I must ask before you can join.

You have to abstain from sex for two weeks."

So, the couple agrees to these terms,

and two weeks later they come back to see the pastor

and he says, "How did it go?"

And the husband says,

"Well, we almost made it the full two weeks.

But yesterday she bent down to pick up a package

of frozen vegetables.

And I was overcome with desire,

and I just couldn't help myself."

The pastor thinks for a moment. Then he says, "Well, I'm sorry,

but you're not welcome in my church."

And the husband says, "Well, I understand.

We're not welcome in Walmart anymore, either."

-Yay!

-One more. I have a rural joke.

-Okay. Let's see rural.

-A farmer has five female pigs, and times are really tough.

So, he goes to the county fair to try to sell his pigs.

But when he gets there, he meets a farmer who has five male pigs.

So, they kind of talk together,

and they decide it's better to mate their pigs

and split the offspring 50/50.

So, the two farmers live 60 miles away from each other.

So, they agree that they'll each drive 30 miles,

and they'll meet at the halfway point

and mate the pigs in a field. So, the first morning,

the farmer with the female pigs gets up at 5:00 a.m.,

loads the pigs into the family station wagon,

and drives the 30 miles to the meeting-up point.

So, while the pigs are going at it,

he says to the other farmer,

"How will I know if they're pregnant?"

And the other farmer says, "If they're in the grass grazing

in the morning, then they're pregnant.

If they're in the mud, then they're not pregnant."

So, the next morning they're rolling in the mud.

So, he hoses them down.

He loads them back into the station wagon,

and he tries again.

Following morning, mud again.

This continues all week long, until one morning,

the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed.

So, he calls to his wife, and he says, "Honey, look outside

and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

And the wife yells back at him, "Neither one.

They're in the station wagon,

and one of them is beeping the horn."

That was one of the best pig jokes ever told.

-I mean, I forgot what you were talking about,

if I'm going to be real.

It was something about pigs.