All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s11e09 - Mr Octopus & Pottyhands

Pooph!

Yaow!
I just need to read that again.

SHE LAUGHS
Oh...!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to the penultimate episode
of this series.

As we enter the crucial final stages
of the competition
it's still all to play for.

And when I say "it",
I mean a papier-mache head

that doesn't look like anyone,

painted gold by an exhausted member
of the art department.

But as my grandfather always said,

it's not about the prize
it's about the competition.

He was, of course, a compulsive
gambler who lost everything,

including my grandmother
and access to his own children.

So who are the five comedians

willing to risk all for glory
tonight?

They are Charlotte Ritchie!
CHEERING APPLAUSE

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall.

And now, sitting next to me, a man
who I've got a secret respect for.

He's super talented and
he's a devoted family man to boot.

To my left over there is
Gary the cameraman.

How are you doing, Gary?

And also to my left, this idiot,
this hairy tube.

He's a plum, he's a goofball,
he's a lemon, he's a colossal loser.

It's little Alex Horne.

It's quiz time.
GREG SIGHS DRAMATICALLY

All the questions are about Greg
Davies. Yes or no answers, please.

You ready? OK. Yeah.
Yeah? Excited? Sure.

Has Greg Davies ever been
on Have I Got News For You?

Yes. Yes. What was that like?
It was all right.

Was it? Has Greg Davies ever been
on Saturday Kitchen?

Yes. Oh! What was that like?
Didn't mind it, I got free food.

Oh? Better. Well, it's relevant
for the final question.

Does Greg Davies applaud
when the waiter gives him his food?

No. No, you don't. Nope.

You've got all three right
and you've won $25

on a massive cheque.

Do you like it? It's like you go,
"What's going to wind him up?"

before the show's even begun.

I genuinely thought
you'd like that one. No!

No, the quiz? Did you like
the quiz element? It's weird, Alex.

It's weird!

What's the Prize Task category?

Well, we've asked them to bring in
the nattiest knitwear.

It's a term
I'm sure we're all familiar with.

You'll judge whose knitwear is
the nattiest,

give its owner
your maximum of five points

and then at the end of the show
one lucky winner

will take home
the nattiest knitwear. All right.

Lee Mack.

I've brought this.

Natty knitwear for children.
Whoa! That's horrific.

I was inspired by this.
I found it online.

I was looking for a knitting pattern
for kids' clothes

and I saw this and I thought yes.

That's lovely
cos their faces are kept warm.

Their bodies are kept warm.

MIKE: It's sewn into the skin?
No, it's not sewn into the skin.

No, it's...it's glued on
with superglue. Oh, right.

Is it a real thing?
This is what Lee's had commissioned
based on that.

So... Wow. Oh!
SARAH: Very unnerving.

That's a little bit more friendly.
I think they look quite comfy.

Comfy, Greg, but natty?

Natty? God, that's very natty.
Oh, is it? Sorry, yes.

That's harsh.
Good. Well done. Natty.

I'm glad you appreciate it.
Good natty start.

Yo. Yo. Mikey W. Hmm.
What have you brought in?

I've... I've done
some hand crafting again.

So I've made a handmade bespoke
piece of Taskmaster merch.

Wow.
Well, whose head is this, Greg?

Oh! Oh! Is it supposed to be me?
Well, it's for anyone.

I mean, I'm thinking you know,
if they make it into merch

then people can go and, you know,
parade around as the Taskmaster.

If you were to wear it
then, yes, you...

I mean, you could use it
as a disguise.

Or you can just warm your head up.
It's artisan. Mm.

Right. Jamali. Erm, honestly,
I didn't know what natty meant.

Yeah. So, uh...
You could've asked someone.

Yeah, I could've but you know, er,
it was, it was... I was at home.

Have you got internet? No. OK.

No, no. No internet at my house.
No internet, no phone.

No, no. Sorry. Sorry, Greg.
We don't all live like you.

So, er, what I did,
I got a jumper

and just to be sure I, I, er -
whatever that is - natty into it.

He embroidered the word natty into
it. Yeah. So it looks like this.

It's natty knitwear. That is
the nattiest cos it says natty.

It's a literal interpretation.
I like it.

That's one of my favourite jumpers
that I ruined for this show.

You do not own that jumper.
Yes, I do. Come on!

That? My dress sense is very
diverse. I'm a very layered person.

Every weekend he's down Cornwall,
hauling in his fishing nets, Jamali.

He's well known for it. Yeah!

Well, it's really nice. Thank you.
Is it worth maybe three points?

I think it might do better
at this stage in the game. Really?

Oh, I'll take that. Sarah. Yes.

So about, er, 15 years ago
at my birthday party

a very close friend of mine said,
"I know you love frogs,"

and then she gave me this jumper.

Here it is. I don't like frogs.
I don't talk about frogs.

I don't even have,
like, a frog anecdote.

That's gross. Yeah, it's feral.

She forgot your birthday present.

She went into her own cupboard

and she found a frog jumper
at the bottom.

And she thought, "I'll have to try
and like psyche her out,

"make her think she's into frogs."

I don't... Do people do that? Yeah.

55 frogs on it.

Charlotte. OK. Sometimes
your extremities get cold. Yeah.

You've got to sort that out.
So, it's a nose warmer.

LAUGHTER

A company based in Sheffield
makes these. Wow.

They've been demonstrated
by Dr Hilary Jones. He loves them.

And Christine Bleakley had
a good giggle when she wore one.

If you squint it looks like a boil.

But I don't enjoy getting a...

I don't enjoy getting a cold nose.
That's awful. No, who does?

This one is wool. They also come
in faux fur or fleece.

OK, here's the good news.
I'm not giving anyone one point.

It's good news. Hooray!
That is good news.

Er, here's the slightly bad news.

LEE: You're all getting nothing.

I'm doing this to teach,
er, Sarah's friend a lesson.

You can't just get some
old frog jumper out the cupboard

and give it as a birthday present.

You're out of order.
She doesn't like frogs
and now she's only got two points.

Think.

Jamali correctly predicted
he's getting three points.

Well done! That's what I asked for.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah, lovely.

Appreciate it. I'm very suggestible
when it comes to you, young man.

I know. Well done. Joint four points
to these two clowns.

Erm, I don't like having
a cold nose

and I think if I saw Charlotte
out wearing that nose warmer

I'd go, "Phew! Natty."

Five points.
Five points to Charlotte Ritchie.
You're kidding.

There it is.
CHEERING

Right. On we go.
What have we got first, young man?

Ah, well. At last it's
the contestants' turn to play god.

GREG GASPS

SHE LAUGHS

How are you doing? I'm good.
This is cool. Oh.

That's not at all terrifying.

Little message in a bottle.
Is that my...my task? Maybe.

Shall we? I love this.

Boink.
Have you got your glasses?

Please can you not talk to me
like I'm 96, Alex.

I haven't got my glasses, actually.

I'll be able to read it.

Oh, my God. Look how small that is.

Erm... Would you like me to read it
to you? Can anyone read that?

"Make the most impressive
and realistic weather."

Oh, wow. "Make the most impressive
and realistic weather

"for Taskmaster Island."

"You have 30 minutes

"and your weather must last
for no more than a minute.

"Your time starts now."

Well, what have we got?
We've got rain.

Sun, snow.

We've got snow. Did I say snow?

I was going to maybe make it rain
and...and...and wind.

Maybe snow.
Snow might look better.

Rainbows.

It's not weather.

Do you have a fan?

Tornados. Hurricane. Twisters.

Whirlwind. Tidal waves.

That's not weather either.

And I might even set up a hairdryer
as well

because then it can be
like a blizzard.

Yeah, a blizzard!

Thank you. Do you mind if I, er,
toddle off and look for some kit?

Right. Lovely. Hmm. Weather.

Sarah, do you do
a lot of positive affirmation

when you're building up
to making a decision?

Do I do that? Alex. Yeah.

Can you show Sarah's
positive affirmation system

for once she's made a decision?

Yeah. I did isolate something.

Do you want to see it?
Yes, please.

And I might even set up a hairdryer
as well

because then it can be
like a blizzard.

Yeah, a blizzard!
LAUGHTER

See what I mean?
Who are you angry with?

It's like someone inside's gone,
"Not a blizzard!"

and you've gone,
"Yeah! A blizzard!!"

I do undermine myself constantly
and have to...

There is that sort of...

Yeah, that's actually a really
chilling insight into every day...

Oh. ..of my life.

Sorry to put it
on national television.
Ah, no, it's fine.

Well, we're going to start
with the two that look
the most like weather presenters

and that's Charlotte Ritchie and,
of course, Lee Mack. Here we go.

And what I might need you to do,
Alex, if you don't mind is

hold this colander there.

Up there. I don't mind.
So, sunny day.

Breeze in the air.

This doesn't look like a place
that's going to get fog.

Well, you're wrong, Alex,
for even thinking it.

Wait. What is this I see?
Is the fog descending?

I think it is, Alex.

A mysterious fog
on Taskmaster Island.

PLASTIC BOTTLE CRACKLES
There's something in the distance,

crackling away.

A little bit of...
And then the rain starts to pour.

Oh, no. It's particularly heavy
on that side of the island.

This is Greta Thunberg's nightmare.

It is. This is the smoke
from all the chimneys

that are destroying this planet.

But it's weather
for the competition,

so I'm not losing points for that.

It's fog. I've changed my mind.

Oh, wow. It's coming in now.

And then the lightning starts
to...to happen and it's...

Oh, no! Oh, no!

That umbrella's
never going to save me.

And then it's hail.

Hail. But hail in bursts.

It's really rolling in.

Is this...? I mean, I don't know
how good this looks on TV.

It's very hard to tell how this
looks because I can't see anything.

Oh, it's brilliant. Come closer.

There's lightning.

SHE PUFFS

Oh, no!
You've been blown over, Alex.

And then the lightning stops.

And the rain's stopping.

Phew! That was quite a storm. Yeah!

I call it the Lee Mack
hurricane pea souper.

Thank you, Lee.
HE COUGHS

APPLAUSE

In a very child friendly way,

Charlotte created
an entire weather system. Ooh!

There was thunder, there was rain.
Yeah.

There was lightning. Mm.
There was, er, wind.

There was an awful accident
that occurred as a result.

A man clearly perished
on the island. Yeah.

The lighting conditions changed. Mm.

And, er, Lee filled the room
with smoke.

He even started talking himself out
of one point halfway through

by saying that this was pollution.

And suddenly went, "Oh, no, hang on!
That's not weather."

There was... There was a bit of...
There was a bit of smog.

I mean, you know, fog and smog
can...can combine.

Smog isn't weather. It's pollution.
Mm.

Who's next?
Next it's our breezy Jamali Maddix.

Yeah, so it's a tropical island.
Yes.

And weather changes quickly.

So, it's like
I'm thinking there's thunder.

That... That was like
the lightning hit.

Lighting it on fire and that.
Yeah, the sea's on fire over there.

Yeah.

Do watch out for that flame.
All right, Dad.

F...!

So that's... We've had
the thunder and lightning.

It's not working.

Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry.

It has quite a strong smell,
this storm.

Like, the hail storm on top of it.

LAUGHTER

That's big hail.

Yeah, he's got pretty badly burnt.

The umbrella's intact though.

I mean, I gave it a go.
Yeah, that was really...

It was definitely impressive.
Thank you, Jamali.

All right, thank you, mate.
APPLAUSE

Right!

The task, I think, was
we wanted you to create
a weather system on the island

but I think you misheard.

You heard that we want you to fuck
an island up and kill everyone.

Was that not the task?
No but it can happen.

But it was weather and there was
lightning that was weather

and then there was hail storms,
which is weather, and rain.

Yeah, yeah. They were big
old hail stones, weren't they?

Yeah, so, some hail stones
can be the size of this, mate.

You never see...?
You never seen the news?

They were trying to create the most
impressive and realistic weather.

OK. It was impressive.

It may have been lacking
a little bit of realism.

You know, the sea being on fire
and all.

That might be the weather
of the future. Yeah, yes.

Maybe that's just...
See, that's what I was going for.

It's an apocalyptic vision.
I'll take that. Thank you.

OK, we're going to stop for a break.

Just time to set your partner
a task.

They've got three minutes
to give you five reasons to stay.

The time starts now.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

You find us at the start
of another part

and I'd like to hand over now to
little Alex Horne for the weather.

Well, tomorrow's going to be
so cloudy, man.

But inside the Taskmaster garage

the competitors are trying
to manufacture the most realistic
and impressive weather

over Taskmaster Island

and finally we're going to see
the attempts of Sarah Kendall
and Mike Wozniak,

who is, of course, already famous
for his wind production.

LAUGHTER

Oh, what's that?
A flash of lightning.

Erm, man doesn't know
what's going on.

This guy's going to lie down though,
which cows do when a storm's coming.

Or they stand up. I can't... It's
one or the other. Yeah, either way.

CLATTERING Ooh, distant rumble of thunder.

Oh, that's really fast.

If I do that...
Oh, it really goes out fast.

All right. Hang on.

Oh, no. Oh, no! Shit, guys!

Oh!

It's getting closer
and here it comes, the wind.

LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES

And a smattering of rain.

Smattering of rain.

Moving more into
a sort of downpour now.

And, very unusually
for a Caribbean island, hail.

That's done for the man
in a big way.

There we go.

A bit more.

There we are.

That's a heavy, er, snowstorm there.

It was, wasn't it?

It was quite localised,
wasn't it, over the house?

It was. It was like
they'd done something wrong, yeah.

It's dying down now.

Just a smattering of rain.
Just a little shower.

Then see if this works.

LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES

Is that a rainbow? It doesn't work,
does it? It's all...

Back-up rainbow,
back-up rainbow.

LAUGHTER

Back-up rainbow.
APPLAUSE

Back-up rainbow.
APPLAUSE

Erm, the most localised weather
we've seen so far... Yeah.

..that your island was centrally
affected by all the weather.

Yeah, I said, it's almost like
they've done something wrong.

I missed the narrative.
What...? What did happen?

There was an incident
inside the house.

It had sort of become folklore.

That's affected the weather?
Yeah, yeah.

Because it angered the Lord
and, er, that was really...

He, the Lord, was smoting the house.

With his salt, sugar and ice cubes.
Yes.

The snow fall was impressive. Yeah.

But now that I know God's involved,

I also think it's realistic,
so it's really high scoring.

OK. Erm, Mike. Pleased with that?

I spent most of my 20 minutes
trying to construct a rainbow.

Couldn't really remember
how to do that.

Yeah, you had light, you had water,
you were trying to refract it.

You looked it up on the internet.

But in the end you used
three strips of gaffer tape.

When I saw you hold up
your, er, rainbow

I thought, that's the most tragic
tableau I've ever seen in my life.

This is the tragic tableau
of Mike Wozniak and his rainbow.

That.

I mean, look at the rainbow
next to it as well.

It's not my proudest moment
but I think you can see
that I know that at the time.

Here are my points.

Fog boy, one point.

Oh! Ooh, fog boy.

Wow.

Jamali was incredibly dramatic

but, you know,
until we reach the apocalypse

it wasn't very realistic.
Two points.

Oh! Then Sarah three.

Mike four. Charlotte five.

Charlotte! Another five points
for Charlotte Ritchie. Thanks!
APPLAUSE

Yeah, Alex.
It looked really realistic.

It did look realistic.
It looked realistic. Thank you.

Scores, please. We've got
three people in last place.

Jamali, Lee and Sarah
have all got five.

Charlotte's got
double their score with ten!

APPLAUSE

What are we going to see next, Alex?

We're going to see
our five contestants reach
their tipping points.

Oh, hi, L-Lee. Hi, Alex.

I got your name wrong a bit
when I said it.

Well, there's so many syllables.

Sarah. Alex.

Erm, OK. Build a tower,
then topple your tower

so that the yoghurt lands
in a numbered square.

Build a tower
and then topple your tower

so that the yoghurt lands
in a numbered square,
which is over there.

You have one yoghurt
and one toppling attempt.

Highest score wins. You have
20 minutes. Time starts now.

And it's got to stay in the circle?

You've got to build it
on the circle. Yeah.

And the height of the tower
isn't mentioned in this.

It's not saying build
the highest tower. No. Just any.

But you'll see the further you go
the higher the number. OK.

Do you have a number in mind
at this stage?

Well, you know,
shoot for the moon, right?

Go for number ten.

Hm. Toppling.

Er, just clarify the points system
for me please.

Well, the highest number
that the yoghurt went into

would get the highest points
in the game.

So splash counts.
Splash counts.

If they splash into a square
it counts.

Get some yoghurt
in the highest number.

If you want to get in the number ten
that's nine metres away
from the circle.

So you want to go nine metres up,
down. That's high.

That's high. That's high. Very high.

That's like, if you take
one metre, nine of them.

Yeah.
Let's see some towers toppling.

First we're going to see
Mad Rich Ken have a go.

That's Maddix, Ritchie and Kendall.

Build a topple,
pop the yoghurt on top.

Build... Build a tower.

Build a topple.
SHE LAUGHS

Ten's that way.
You're aiming for the ten? Yeah.

Yeah, it's the highest number,
isn't it?

On that board, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Not... There's other ones
out there, aren't there? Yeah.

I think we'll try for six.

How high would that be?
Really high.

Right.

It's quite a long distance,
actually.

What number are you aiming for? Ten.

Shoop!
SHE MAKES A SPATTERING NOISE

What's this?
What do you think it is?

DRILL WHIRRS

Jamali, you look like
you've got a plan. Yeah.

Have you got a plan? No.

Whoo! When do you think
you might start building?

Look, mate.

You give me four hours to chop down
a tree,

I'm going to spend three hours
sharpening the blade.

That was cool.
That was pretty cool, isn't it?

How am I going for time?

The time's going down.

No!

Is this part of the task?

How long have I got left?
You've now got nine minutes.

30...

Oh, that's nowhere near
close enough.

It's not as tall as you. No.

The cardboard's gone a bit wet
because of the rain. Yeah.

This hasn't done anything.
What's the point of that?

How long have I got?
Five minutes. You're joking!

It's not good when you break down
your life into sort of quantities,

you realise whether you've achieved
something during that time or not.

You got that? Oh, yeah.
Now lean it towards me.

Please.

Make sure you don't fall. Oh...!

Why did it fall down?

I don't think it was built
very well.

So the idea is, three of them
with that on top? Yeah.

Down we go. Bosh.

Ah.

You've got to hold it straight
cos I'm going to...

I can't see anything.

I'm really starting
to care about this now. How's that?

How are you going to get the yoghurt
on it? Can we do a sort of lean?

OK. OK.

To me, to me. There we go.

Wow. Yes. A lot of building.

Erm... You got very philosophical,
Sarah, with this... I did.

.."I'll spend three hours
sharpening my blade" business.

Who said that? Abraham Lincoln,
was it? I think so.

But interesting to have
it contrasted

with the fact that
you've never seen a drill before.

Yes, I know.

After you'd made
your philosophical point

about the importance of preparation,
I'm not sure what you did.

My anger got directed towards Alex
during this task. Rightly.

You said, "Why has this happened?"

and he says, "I think it's because
it wasn't built very well."

She didn't build it very well.
Yeah.

I mean, I'm amazed
you didn't attack him.

So, you know, you sit around
at lunch time

and you have a nice chat with Alex
at lunch and it's all friendly.

Yeah. Yeah, and then you go and film
and you just get this little bitch.

Yeah. And it's just stunning.

Awful, hairy little bitch.

You must have found it, Jamali.

He corrected your manners.
Did you notice?

He's a punk.
I genuinely don't like him.

He's a punk-ass bitch.
He's a punk-ass bitch, man.

But, er, I said it was cool when the
plastic bits spun round and round.

Did you? We agreed on that,
didn't we? Yeah.

It's pissing it down with rain

and we've got you muttering
"please" under your breath.

It's nice to say please.

Charlotte.
She tried to build a topple.

She did.

Because there's going to be topples
on her programme.

I can't stop it.
You give me reason.

I've honestly got nothing to say.

When you were envisaging
your tower falling down
you said, "Phoo! Splat."

And I'm trying to take her seriously
as a grown woman.

Are you?

My feeling is that Jamali's is
going to be the most effective.

We're looking for effective,
we're looking for numbers.

Shall I show you Jamali's in action?

Hit me up.
OK. It was one topple.

Here is Jamali's tower.

Do you want me to let go?
Yeah, three, two, one.

HE LAUGHS
Oh, shit!

I've got some on one.
Yeah, most of it's in one.

It's quite wet now.
Yeah. Can I go in now?

Yeah, you can go away now.

I was very supportive there.

What happened was it was raining

and it actually bent up
all the cardboard,

so when it fell it all toppled in.

Plus it...
I wasted everyone's time.

I appreciate that.

It looked like a good system to me.
It was, it was just the rain and...

There were supporting rods. It was
chucking it down with rain. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just someone
should've checked the weather,
then moved the event inside.

Yeah. That would've been...
Just used their brains.

I think it would've made it
a much more enjoyable and fair task.

But, you know -
it's your show, mate.

Do you want to see
Charlotte's tower? I do, yeah.

Can she beat Jamali's one?
Let's see. Ooh, hope so. Wheeee!

OK. You ready? Yes.
I'm gonna push it

in three, two, one.

Oh!

That's disappointing. Your tube
went all the way over there. Yeah.

Well, there's some in three.

There's some in four!
There is yoghurt in a lot of them.

Yeah.

Well, there we are.
There we are. Thank you, Charlotte.

Thank you.

I mean, it's basically
the equivalent of the, tablecloth
trick, really, is what you did.

You whipped your own device out
from underneath the yoghurt,

causing it to fall directly down.

Yeah, it's just a shame it didn't
fall straight on Alex's head,

which was the trajectory
it was going on.

Yeah, I-I... Maybe it's a physics
thing that it didn't work out.

Next up, Greg, Sarah. Do you want
to see Sarah's tower tumble?

Thank you. Here we go.

Are you ready? Yes. Good luck.

Good luck.

Oh, it's so close.

Oh! There's a bit of yoghurt
in the number two.

Is there? Not a lot.

Hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

Is it yoghurt
or is it poo?

It's yoghurt. Congratulations.

I probably should've used
the, you know...
SHE IMITATES A DRILL

You did what you did.
Thank you, Sarah. OK. Thank you.

All right, I don't know
what a drill is!

Don't know what a drill is!
Let's get that clear.

You definitely don't know
what one is.

Oh, well. Done. Maybe...

some of us didn't grow up around
drills. You prick.

In fact I think that Sarah's tower
blocked the yoghurt.

It was a bit of tower blockage.
It's the next level. It was a bit.

Thank you.
It was almost too well built. Yeah.

It's, it's almost like
the woodcutter spent
too long sharpening his axe.

That is the... That is the bit
that they didn't write down.

After Abe Lincoln said I will spend
three hours sharpening it,

but what you don't want to do
is spend five hours
sharpening the blade

for a three-hour chopping task.

Because then you'll get no yoghurt
on your square. You don't get
yoghurt in your square. Good.

Nice to see you taking a risk
on blinding yourself

by eating bird poo.

Sayonara, part two.

It was a brief but powerful affair
and I'll never forget you.

But you snore
and I hate your parents.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, hello. It's Taskmaster again
and it's part three.

I'm so buzzing I just need
to get it all out of my system.

Argh!

That's better. Before the break
they were trying to build a tower,

balance a yoghurt on top of it

and then topple it
into a numbered square.

Generally speaking, the further
the square, the higher the number

and the better the score,
generally speaking.

The last couple we're going to see

are two pillars of the community,
probably.

It's Mike and Lee.

One, two, three, four, five.

Yeah, so it's
about four of these'll do it.

The problem is,
how does it stay up?

Oh, this old chestnut.
Here we go.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Sorry.
I've never been very good at this.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

What's that for?

If anybody uses any of them
they're an idiot.

Now, how far am I in so far?

You've spent three minutes
making three boxes. Oh, right. OK.

Get the drill.

Ah!

All right, I've changed my mind.
HE LAUGHS

Only a very sensible person
would use these.

For the love of God.

Oh, for God's sake. I hate this.

Oh.

This looks extremely useful.

Oh, my gosh.

Abraham Lincoln said if I had
four hours to chop down a tree

I'd spend the first three hours
sharpening my axe

but the reality is if someone came
to your house to chop a tree down

and then you said afterwards,
"Sorry, mate, you only cut it
down, took an hour."

"Yeah, but I spent the first
three hours polishing my axe,"

you'd go mental. You'd go,
"I'm not paying you for that."

Sort of prop that up in such way
that I can hopefully reach it.

Don't worry about me,
just worry about me structure.

Now, how do I get that more rigid?

You... You're wobbling a bit, Alex.

I think it might hit me
on the head.

It's cardboard, mate.
It's not, you know...

I mean, one job!

Obviously, I need to make this
lower, don't I? One more. One more?

HE STRAINS

Uhhhh!

Uh, uh.

OK. And now for
the raising of the ladder.

Up it goes.
Up it goes.

Right, this is the hard bit
cos I'm now balancing a yoghurt

on something that could topple
at any second on its own.

How many yoghurts have you got?
Just the one.

That's relaxing.

Oh! Hopla!

You've still got 45 seconds left.
Oh, really?

OK. Got to be worth a try.

OK.

So, discovering the hidden ladder
was

perhaps not as useful
as you thought it was.

It made me arrogant and complacent.

I thought I had the keys
to the kingdom.

All he had to do was turn
the ladder upside down

and the yoghurt would've nestled
into the foot of the ladder.

Pfft! And the ladder would've been
high enough

but you created all this cardboard
chaos at the top of the ladder. Mm.

If someone had gone through
all of that trouble

and then got Alex embroiled in it

and then the yoghurt had fallen
down my back,

I wouldn't have said,
and I quote, "Hopla."

It's just what came out
at the time, you know?

And it's a very polite,
stark contrast to Lee Mack,

who increasingly, I think, is
starting to look

like an angry Northern farmer.

The relationship between you
and Alex is like, uh,

"What you doing there, lad?

"I wouldn't pay you with washers,
lad."

Often followed with,
"No, I bloody won't say please."

I enjoyed your
slightly Northern interpretation

of the Lincoln axe story as well.

Yeah, I think we've been eating
the same fortune cookies.

Can we see
the eccentric English robot

and the angry Northern farmer?
Yes.

Well, Mike and Lee both built
massive towers,

the biggest towers,

but did the yoghurt go the furthest?

Let's see Mike first of all.

Are we still going? If we can.

OK. You good?
Get yourself to a safe place.

Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh!

Where's the yoghurt?

It went backwards. It did.

That was unexpected.
That's your time up.

Thanks, Alex.

I appreciate... I mean, talk about
defeat from the jaws of victory.

And I don't know anyone else
in that situation

who wouldn't say, "Oh, shit!"

But Mike in the same space said,
"Get yourself to safe space!"

I didn't want...

I didn't want to be the contestant
who killed little Alex Horne.

Good legacy.

"Get yourself to a safe space."
"Get yourself a safe space."

I had visions of him being
completely skewered

by sort of bits of tent pole
and cardboard tubes and yoghurt.

Fascinating.
Let's see how Farmer Lee did.

Are you ready? Yeah.
Let go, Alex, let go.

I'm toppling in three, two, one...

Bullshit!

Bullshit!

Bullshit!

That was so close to the six,
if it had been to the right.

That is soul destroying.

I put so much effort into that.

Were you holding that when I let go?

I was holding it until you told me
to stop.

And then did you in any way grab it?
I didn't grab it.

That was going like that
and something took it to the left.

I'm just going to check the numbers.

You don't have to check. You can see
it's not gone anywhere near.

Don't do that.
That's very irritating.

That's really disappointing. Yeah.

Well, a complete disaster

but at least a human response
from you when it fell down.

You shouted bullshit.

Mike would've shouted,
"Everybody clear the area.
There might be spillage."

When Alex did do that,

I was tempted to tell him
to get to a safe space.

I really was. I'm not surprised.

Because that was irritating.

I like that you blamed him, though,
as any good farmer would. Yeah.

I really enjoyed it.
It's one of my favourite tasks.

Well done, everyone. Well done.
Well done for being so rubbish.

Lee and Mike were the only ones
who didn't get any yoghurt
in any of the squares.

Jamali, then, comes third,
so gets three points.

Sarah next gets four points.

Charlotte, cos a tiny bit
of yoghurt landed in number four,

incredibly gets five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I-I can't believe it.

Right.

I would love a task featuring
a spinning camera, please.

Oh, thank God.

Whoa!

Hello. Hi, Mike. How are you?

You all right?

Right. Do like what I've bought?
I love it.

It's, er, it's very nice.

It's, er, very hipster, very retro.

"Look the most different
in four photos taken by the camera."

"The camera will spin round
three times

"and take a picture
every time it faces the frame."

"You must not hinder the camera or
the spinning mechanism in any way."

"You must be in all four photos.
Most varied set of photo wins."

Can I just read it one more time?
Uh-huh. Thanks.

"The camera will start spinning
in 20 minutes from now."

Do you mind if I, er, pop off
for a tick?

Do you have a beard trimmer?

Oh, well.

This feels like it might be useful.

I don't know why I'm getting these.

Do you mind if I chop a thing up?

Oh, yeah. That's going to work.

How long have I got left?

Right, you ready? This won't stay on
long. It's not very sticky.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Miaow.

Right. Is that it spinning now?

Miaow!

Yeah.

Oh! That's actually really tight.

Oh, my gosh! It's coming!

Oh!

Into the future.

Space man. Journey into the unknown.

This is me without glasses.

Is that in the centre?

Rrrugh!

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Cool. Thank you, Jamali.

Thank you, Lee.

APPLAUSE

Would you like to see
Lee's set of photos?

Yes. Let's see how varied they are.
Yeah, so look at the contrast here.

A lot of different characters.
LAUGHTER

This is various phases
I've gone through over the years.

Do you want to talk us through
who character two is,

with the melon breasts
and the lobster penis?

Yes. That is, well, a character
I called Melon Breast Lobster Penis.

Ah! Yeah.
Likes to go on a bike ride.

Always delivering a romantic flower
to his girlfriend.

And the girlfriend is the...?
The girl... The girl underneath.

The sexy girl underneath.
The girl underneath.

She doesn't go anywhere
without her cow.

She rides round town on her cow.

She's like
a sort of West Country Lady Godiva.

So, it's builder, superhero
and a beautiful lady on a cow.

It's not a bad start.
Quite contrasting. Quite varied.

Quite varied. Do you want to see
Jamali's? Yes, please.

If we're talking about variety,
have a look at this.

LAUGHTER

What I see is a builder, yeah?

And then I see three pictures
of Jamali from a catalogue.

No, no, wrong. Completely wrong.

There's... You've got builder,
then you've got a banker.

He's the guy with the stick
and the top hat. Yeah.

Then you've got the banker
off work, playing golf.

With the same stick.

And then you've got a guy who...
I don't even know
who that last one is.

At the time
you said number two is a rich dude

and number three is a white dude.

Because he's playing golf. Yeah.

I have a very narrow view
about what you people do.

"You people"?

OK, part three has expired.

We'll be back for the final part
of the show

where someone will win Charlotte
Ritchie's quaint little nose warmer.

That's right - it's a nose warmer.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! Welcome back
for the last time today.

What a great welcome back.
Get yourself to a safe space.

Before the break the task we were
watching involved

trying to look the most different

in each of the four photos taken
by a spinning camera.

Each change in appearance had
to take place

during a rotation of the camera -
about 30 seconds.

Jamali's changes have been
the most subtle so far.

Now we're going to have a look
at Mikey-boy Woz's pictures.

LAUGHTER

There was a lot of miaowing
during your preparation time.

Yeah, well,
we want to get into character.

We wanted to sort of exude
pussy cat. Sure.

Pussy cat on a brick wall.
To his right we have noble Caesar.

What's the pink thing?
The... The Roman, er, sceptre

and then there is a space man
from the future.

Correct.

There's a man who's
a skull from the neck up

and a body from the neck down,

giving a thumbs up
with his remaining flesh. Yeah.

He's happy with his flayed head.

He's not happy about it
but he's sanguine.

I think he realises
that other people are worse off.

They're pretty contrasting images.

Shall I show you
four versions of Charlotte? Yeah.

OK, well, here is Charlotte,
Lottie, Charlie and Chaz.

LAUGHTER

Only two out of four go straight
onto the children's show.

Mr Octopus and Potty-hands.
Potty-hands!

Are you pleased?
Yeah, I am, actually.

I mean, there's a bloody octopus
there for God's sake.

How much of a contrast do I want?
My whole, entire body's transformed.

Finally, it's the four faces
of Sarah Kendall.

Hmm. Yeah, it's a real story.
Real story.

I had no idea there was a narrative.
Talk us through it.

Oh, well, the classic writer
staring out a window...

Yeah. ..dreaming, er, "What am I
going to write my story about?"

Sitting there for so long
that, like, a century worth
of hair growth just sitting there.

Er, after that,
deciding on a career

as a professional tennis player.

My God.

And then, of course, all stories
end in death, as we know.

This should help make your mind up.
Where do you want to start?

I'm loath to do it
but Jamali did put one costume on

and then had three pictures
of himself taken.

So I'm giving him
a very generous two points.

Sorry - two points?
Yes, unbelievably, I am. OK.

Because I'm putting these two,
Sarah and Lee,

I'm giving three points each.

What a generous man.
Aren't I?

Boring t-shirt head girl,
I'm giving her four points.

Mm-hmm. That's just what I look like
in real life,

the boring t-shirt head girl.
Just your clothes.

It's just me.
Huge apologies.

And, yeah, this weirdo.

Michael takes five.
Well done, Mike Wozniak.

Thank you.

Quick look at the scores.

She's almost on the maximum
but she is the leader.

Charlotte Ritchie has 19 points.

APPLAUSE Wow! Feels good. Wow.

All right, everyone.
Please make your way to the stage.

Why? Because it's the final task
of the show.

Hello. I've got my bucket.

Good boy.

Who's going to read the task out?

Mike. Michael.

I like this already. Yeah.

"Shove your fish onto the target
using your mop.

"You must shove your fish

"within ten seconds
of Alex laying down your fish.

"Furthest from the target
ten seconds after each round
is eliminated.

"Last shover shoving wins."

If your fish falls off the Knappett
at any point you're out.

Charlotte, you're up first.

Within ten seconds
of me laying it down you may shove.

Off you go.

LAUGHTER She's gone mad.

Look at that.
You've got to beat that.

Wow! Wow! Dear, oh, dear.

Erm, I quit.
It's Mike to shove next.

Off you go, Mike. Let's play on.

It's a good shove.
You next, Sarah. Oh, I'm next.

Sarah, please shove.

Ooh! Gentle. Jamali is next.

Yeah, can you like put it down,
then leave quick?

LEE: Ha! I like Jamali.

Quickly get away. Quick, quick!

All right.

Lovely. It's passed Sarah's
but will it stay?

Let's see. Good luck, Lee.

Oh, mine's... Mine's actually
trying to get free.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

He's having a nightmare!
I've had a mare. He scooped.

I've had an absolute mare.
He scooped.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Are you ready for round two, Greg?

I very much am.

Yes, we've lost Charlotte Ritchie
and Lee Mackerel, so it's time...

Nice(!) Oh, wow!

First in round two is Mike Wozniak.

Pike Wozniak, surely.
Off he goes, Pike Wozniak.

Pike Wozniak!

0oh! Confident.
Oh, it's similar, very similar.

Sarah, you're on blue, you're next.

It's down.

Ooh! Ooh!

Jamali could absolutely take
everybody out here.

Jamali. It wouldn't be the first
time he's done the unexpected.

Let's see what he's got.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Bold move.

WHISTLE BLOWS
We've lost Jamali Maddix.

It was a tasty move.
It was sick. It was a bold move.

It's the final, Greg.

I'm trying to think of a fish pun
around Sarah's name
but I can't do it.

No, I don't think there are any.
So it's, er, Mike first.

Off you go.

Go on! Ooh, lovely.

Nearly a hopla.

The final shove. This is it, Sarah.
This is for glory.

All right.

Oh! Oh!

ALEX: Three, four... Oh... No!

Five. No!
EVERYONE GASPS AND GROANS

High drama!
WHISTLE BLOWS

Heart breaking!
APPLAUSE

Four, five... No!

Wow! That's just...
That is cruel.

Right, let's add that
to the final scores

and see how it's affected things.

Come on down.

Hello. Hi, Greg.

So. Mm. That was an exciting game.

Well, it started with tragedy
and it ended with tragedy,
like a good film.

It was very exciting.

Yeah, I agree it was really
exciting, especially that final bit.

Oh, remember when the fish fell off
the side? Oh, when it fell off?

So, Sarah does get four points
despite the flapping thing.

Jamali three.

Charlotte and Lee both only get
one point

because they were eliminated
immediately

but the winner of that task was
Mike Wozniak. Yeah.

Oh! Wow. With apologies.

It's fine, Mike. I like you a lot.
Thank you.

I don't resent it at all.
Ah, that's cute.

And that means he's shot up
to second place

in both the episode and the series

but the winner of this episode with
20 points, it's Charlotte Ritchie.

Hurray! Oh, I can't believe it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Charlotte Ritchie wins. Please go
and nuzzle your natty knitwear.

WHOOPING

So what have we learned today?

We've learned that if you find
yourself swimming in the ocean

I have two pieces of advice for you.

One, there's absolutely no fish
that rhyme with Sarah Kendall.

And two, in the event
of a shark attack,

just before you swim away,
make sure you shout,

"Get yourself to a safe space!"
at the top of your lungs.

See you next time for the final

but for now it's tonight's winner
once more - Charlotte Ritchie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media